Advice from three of our guy friends. This time they answer the following: “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”
Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate.
For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week.
So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy. Generally, most guys watch porn. But there are lots of different varieties and types of porn and that is where things get more complicated. Lots of men like teen porn, like that on college porn, but some prefer things a little more taboo.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”) No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.” I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms. Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies).
Straight Single Guy (Max): While it’s hard to believe, I think that most men view masturbation (which we’re addicted to, by the way) as completely separate from our sex lives. When you’re living the solo sex life, you’ve got your fantasies as well as hormones to answer to. The only solution is masturbation. Many turn to pornography. It’s sad. I understand then, that it must be confusing to women when we continue to masturbate, even while having great and consistent sex, after you’ve saved us from our lonely and always wanting existence.
Unfortunately, no matter how much we may love our lady friend and the sex that we have with her, it’s incredibly hard to fulfill our voyeuristic and most fantastic desires. We don’t want to cheat (most of us). And yet we have thoughts of other girls, other places and impossible situations. Thus, we masturbate. It’s the eternal answer to everything that plagues men. Don’t take it as an insult to your skills in bed. Because trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask us or the guys your own question, click here.
This post has been updated.
stupid ass people. If you have a beautiful girlfriend.. spend your time enjoying her, not fake ass women on porn sites..
Its really great to have you all on board, 😉 hahaha, these are the emotion and acts that every body tries in a life, and most of them happen when your partner is apart. If you partner is with you there is no need to do any thing that stupid.
I can’t answer the question, “Why do MEN masturbate…?”
Can anyone ever speak for everyone else?
I am in my sixties, and I can tell you this one truth that I know. I never masturbated while in a close relationship with a woman, unless she was holding out on me for reasons that only she could know.
If we were being close enough, often enough, there was never a need.
The need only arises when it gets to be too long since the last closeness.
Looking back, I can see that those times usually signaled the beginning of the end of the relationship, so, I say to all of you, male and female alike, if you are in that position, its time to have a real good heart-to-heart, gently, and without recriminations. You DO love each other, don’t you? If not, you SHOULD part.
@ Dewdazzle: Aw, shucks. Thanks for stopping by!
@ Laurie: Maybe ask him if you can watch next time he does it, see if he likes that? If he does, then maybe you can take care of yourself while he takes care of himself? And who knows what that will lead to…
I too touch myself while my husband and I have sex. It’s AWESOME !!!!! And he loves it too. He says thats DAMN HOT! I masterbate alone and with him and he has just now after 19 yrs of marriage gotten comfortable enough to allow me to watch. And I will tell you now dont EVER assume that we wont do those naughty things because we are married or sweet or whatever you wanna call it, I too am like beth because I am a kinkie lil bitch too and my man loves it !
What if he masterbates instead of wanting to have sex and we live together. I am very open sexually and like to try a lot of different things but he won’t do it. We’ve talked about it but he claims he doesn’t know why which is bull shit!
I cannot believe I am just discovering this delicious little delight of a site. Kudos to the two of you…and all who participate; you are now in my favorites! Men masturbate -and I assume this holds true for women as well- because no one knows quite how to touch us like we touch ourselves…it’s not a mystery, everyone knows, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself…
My boyfriend and I of 2 years started taking pictures of me for him to masturbate to. Even so, I laugh whenever I find porn sites on his internet explorer history. It’s totally normal to masturbate, for both sexes, and I find it hilarious that guys try to hide it, or think it’s so bad, like Julia’s boyfriend.
My boyfriend of 6 months recently “confessed” that he masturbates “to me” when we are not spending a night together. He made it sound as if it is a crime, but i was so touched and pleased and let him know that i was! I dont know who he was seeing before me, but she sounds so immature! A woman should realize that guys will masturbate and watch porn and while she may not embrace either of these traits, she should remember that in most cases they are harmless or, if embraced may even bring her man closer to her… and yes, i masturbate too when im not with him and it just makes me want him more when we are together
I love to masterbate while my fiance does it with me, it helps us bond more together, and over time it has made me feel alot more comfortable with my body and my self esteem. my fiance tells me how sexy it is when I do it with him, I dunno but something about him getting off at the same time I do really turns me on.
Interesting – I hadn’t ever come across Dr. Kellogg’s anti-masturbation manifesto. Interesting point of view, though I can’t believe it is terribly healthy. Regarding masturbation in general I think people have a pretty broad spectrum. I have had girlfriends that never, ever did it – honest – and some that were more comfortable with it. Some guys do it all the time, others don’t need it so much. That said, I can’t believe there isn’t an intimate relationship that wouldn’t benefit from it on both sides. I think I personally would go insane without it.
William, I suspect you might own a copy of Dr. Kellogg’s 19th century anti-masturbation manifesto. Guess what? It has been totally debunked in the intervening 140 years.
Just to bring you up to speed, there’s also something called penicillin now, and they’re showing “talkies” down at the cinema.
Hey fellas you might want to think about how vital that fluid you are ejaculating is and just how hard it is for your body to make more. The unconscious waste of semen is why so many modern men are weak, balding and so easily pushed around by overly strong women (who abound these days). Listen there is nothing wrong with masterbating, just dont ejaculate. 50 small orgasms are much better than one big one. Learn a little self mastery now before that little blue pill becomes your best freind. She will thank you too when you can last longer than 3 minutes or however long it takes for you to calm yourself of your pathetic “stress”.
i think playin with urself in front of ur partner is a turn on 4 me .We should all do it i masturbate in front of my women n she love it .Our sex life rock. Im a lesbian so that my view