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Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been married for four months and my husband has no drive. We are both in our 20’s and he refuses me all the time and I am hurt. He bought me a toy but when I use it he calls me disgusting and nasty. Help me! I am drowning in my marriage. It’s his way or the highway.
— Like the Desert Needs the Rain
What should LtDNtR do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.
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I agree with all the other posts. Get a lawyer and start the divorce process ASAP! Any partner who degrades your sexual desire/appetite/activity is a huge red flag.
I’m curious though, did his sex drive suddenly drop off after your wedding or was it always low? If it changed suddenly after you got married, is there a particular reason? If it was always low, use this as a learning experience for future partners: you can’t change a person’s level of sexual desire so try to find someone with similar drive as you.
Does he have any substance abuse issues or take any SSRIs? Either way, his attitude (seeing your body as shameful and disgusting) is atrocious. Was he raised in a religious environment?
Wow. He buys you a toy and then degrades you when you use it. That’s deep-seated. At the very least, he is sex-negative. I suspect he is negative or bitter about other things too. Combine that with his guilt-free judgment? It’s a totally explosive combination. Not only will he insult you, but he won’t feel bad about it. And just wait until his anger truly bubbles over one day. Run before too much shrapnel rips into you. Oh, and BTW, he wasn’t being kind when he bought the toy for you. He was trying to get you off his back.
Agreed – cut your losses and move on.
Nikki is pretty much dead on. At 4 months you shouldn’t be having these type of problems in a marriage. You need to get out if at all possible because you will be miserable for as long as you are with him. He obviously doesn’t care about you if he is trying to make you feel guilty like this.
I don’t mean to sound flip, but take the highway. If you are having this much trouble only four months into a marriage, it doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship. And someone who tries to make you feel shameful for having sexual desire? Just say no. Your letter doesn’t mention children, so I assume you don’t have any. Best to leave this relationship now before children come into this marriage you have found yourself drowning in.