We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
So, I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend for around 4 months. Not long but we’ve fallen absolutely head over heels for each other.
He told me recently that he’s also attracted to men/’cock’.
He has kissed a couple of guys kind of as a joke whilst drunk at parties but never done anything more, sexually, with another guy. Yet he is certain he is bi.
I am not homophobic. Well, at least I don’t think I am. I’ve had plenty of gay friends and never had a problem with it/felt uneasy about it what so ever. Yet when my boyfriend told me he felt that way I instantly felt repulsed. If I think about it, the thought makes me feel ill and anxious. I’m not worried he will cheat, I just hate the thought of him feeling that way.
I know this is my problem/issue. I know it’s fantastic that he felt comfortable enough to tell me and that I shouldn’t feel this way. But… I do. I don’t know why. Any insight as to why I feel this way, and, most importantly, how to move past it?
— Bi Shy
Share your advice with Bi Shy in the comments section below.
Talk to him about it. It sounds like most of what you’re not comfortable with is the not knowing – not knowing if he’s checking other people out, not knowing if he has feelings for other people. Maybe you’re not comfortable enough with each other yet to just talk about that stuff, but why not make a game out of it – have a giggle together when the waiter serving you is good-looking, or compare notes on which celebrities you find attractive!
The thing you most need to understand about his sexuality is this – say you’re blonde, and he tells you he’s attracted to blondes and brunettes. How would you feel? Would you be worried that he’s always checking out brunettes? He’s attracted to people, and right now you’re the person he’s choosing to be with. He’s not attracted to ‘more’ people necessarily – say if he was straight, he’d notice two attractive women when walking down the road, but as he’s bisexual maybe he’ll notice one man and one woman. (Obviously it’s not always that simple!)
I’m bisexual, so I can’t give very much helpful advice for what it’s like to be in your shoes. But I do know that in any relationship you have to find a way to get over feeling jealous and insecure. One way of looking at it is, he’s attracted to a wide range of different types of people – but he’s choosing to be with you.
Bisexuality is different for different people. I’ve had periods of years where I’ve only been attracted to people of one gender or the other. Talk to him about it and find out more about what his sexuality means to him!
Thanks for your comments!
I’m not getting better, probably just in denial,, every time we’re out in public I am paranoid he is checking out girls and guys now. Maybe I’m just super insecure and this has made me more insecure. I hope I can grow to feel okay with it 🙁
I can’t really put myself in your shoes on this subject, but I’m reminded of the first time I went to a gay bar with a gay friend. It was a laid-back kind of place, with some girls hanging out too. Still though, it had monitors up above showing gay porn. The first time that an upward glimpse caught two guys really going at it, I involuntarily shuddered. I doubt anyone would blame a straight guy for having that feeling.
If your stated opinions on this are accurate, I think your feelings can change. Don’t beat yourself up if they don’t change in time to benefit this relationship.
BTW, if OKCupid is any indication, then plenty of otherwise progressive women wouldn’t date a bisexual. I feel disappointment when I see that, but I should probably get over it. Hardly any feminist women ask guys out. **shoulder shrug**
Well, I’ve kinda faced a similar situation recently. My boyfriend is an amazing guy and I really think he’s the one, although we haven’t been together too long. He defines himself as more bi-curious because he hasn’t ever acted on it. At first, it freaked me out a bit and inspired a some insecurities about whether I would be enough for him. But, as time has gone on, I’ve realized it’s actually not a big issue.
I think the best advice is to just sit with your feelings for a bit. See if you don’t start to feel more comfortable with the idea. It can take some time to accept some things in a partner, especially if it’s new territory for you. Don’t be too quick to end things with someone great just bc it takes some emotional work. I’m certainly glad I didn’t bolt from my relationship.
But, also be realistic that he will always be bisexual. If it continues to make you uncomfortable, then you need to cut him lose. He deserves acceptance just like you deserve to feel comfortable. Best of luck to you both!