We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
My boyfriend just told me he was bisexual. He said in the past he has had sex with other men, but that it will never happen again. I want to believe him. I’m pregnant with his baby and he said he wants to get married. My problem is I don’t know if I can handle knowing that and still stay with him. I know it’s in his past, but how do I know it will stay there? As of right now I cant even look at him without feeling disgust, and I can’t stop crying because he’s still the love of my life. But I just dont know how to cope with what he’s done, or what he might do. I really don’t know how to feel ok with it, as bad as I want to, I still find it repulsive. Please help.
— Knocked Up and Knocked Out
What should KUKO do?
jennyp,
Oh boy. I shall enumerate my thoughts on your response.
1) I think the previous posters would agree that everyone should be judged on their own merits, bi, straight, or gay. There’s no agenda there.
2) You said your husband is bi, but then went on to describe a pseudo-closeted gay man who’s living a lie with you.
3) Saying that you’re not a homophobe because you have gay friends is like your husband saying he’s not gay because he has a wife.
4) “he is too immature to control his actions”. I agree, but that is YOUR husband, not KUKO’s bf.
5) “I don’t know him or you so it is not possible to judge”. If you mean this, I’m not sure what that whole anecdote about your husband shows KUKO.
6) “Only you can understand your feelings”. True enough. If she definitely can’t get over her feelings, only she can know that. We were trying to persuade her that those feelings were irrational and biased.
So many of the responses you have are pure crap with obvious agendas of their own that have nothing to do with your problem. I am married to a bi man. Had I known about it, I NEVER would have married him, and now I stay for my kids alone- until they are big enough. I dread the day that they find out their dad is not who they think he is. I am not a homophob by any means, my best friend was a gay man – until he died. I have plenty of gay friends, and am not repulsed. I think it is a very tough life, and everyone has to make their own happiness in their own way–but never at the expense of others. Mine- he cheats, he propositions friends of mine- all the time. He embarrasses me in public because he is too immature to control his actions. Frankly, I am impressed that your guy told you ahead of time- honoring you enough-putting you first to make that choice. Yes, mine picked me too as so many of the other responses point out, and he keeps picking others over me as well. Again, mine doesn’t go after other women – just men. He is gay, and I am disgusted that he lacks respect and honor to our marriage, by continually straying. The thing is- he doesn’t know that I know, and have for the past few years, so I watch him GLEEFULLY “keep pulling the wool over my eyes”. My advice to you- don’t get married. Have the child -keep him in your life, live together as a family in love. It is a common enough thing to do. Live with it a while, see if you can either come to terms with it or not. If you are still disgusted and can’t get over it- he will be the father of your child, and your friend for life. But you can still find true love with someone who will be as committed to you as you are to him–there are lots and lots of choices, a good marriage is for life- do not start one with questions w/o answers. I don’t know him or you so it is not possible to judge (hear that everyone else-its not possible to judge). Only you can understand your feelings. People that call others names are not worth listening to…
It’s simple. You’ve had sex with other men, so had he. He’s also had sex with other women. You’re having a child out of wedlock. I fail to see the problem here with him having slept with other men. Everyone has basically said everything I want to say…
Haven’t you had sex with men too? Eeewwww!
I think my point has pretty much been summed up by serious as well as amusing answers 😛
Your man, by the sounds has done nothing wrong, yet you’ve worked yourself up in your head all because you’ve been brought up with the idea that homosexuality is wrong and that he will automatically cheat on you because he is attracted to both genders.
That’s not a good enough reason to doubt him, bisexuality isn’t some mental illness where a person is attracted to EVERY single person in the world and cannot help them self but have sex with them all.
Where is your logic coming from? He is with you now, he chose YOU.
If you’re not able to see him simply for that the person he is anymore, then that is YOUR choice and your problem.
Honestly, nobody deserves to live with someone so narrow and un-accepting of the way they are naturally.
If you can’t accept him then end it, give him the chance to be with a better person than you who will love him for the person he is.
Trying find some empathy in some way for you, but I cant.
I’m not going to lie, you are just offensive and you need a good wake up call.
See a psychologist and work through that muck that has collected in your brain.
figleaf: so true & well said. it IS so much of an honour to be singled out by a bisexual 😉
jillian: what delightful wit! A sharp tongue is the best defense against bigotry– so definitely keep yours sharp! Thanks for putting things in perspective and making me smile.
ana: yeah, I agree– it’s a hot thing to think about. hope you get your MMF!
I mean no disrespect to the poster or whatever pain she’s experiencing, but it just illustrates the fact that rigid ideas about sexuality aren’t good for anyone…
I was going to write in with advice for KUKO, but I kept feeling disgust over her sin of sex and pregnancy out of wedlock. If I propped her up, and she went out into the world, having more illegitimate kids, I don’t think I could handle knowing I contributed to that. I realize this conception is in her past, but still.
I think you should probably look for a nice Mormon boy who was raised in a Skinner box. That way he will never have had sex with anyone else, and may not even know if he’s gay, straight, or bi. That’s the dream, anyway.
I’ve dated a few bi men (as a bi girl I guess that kinda makes sense? I find the image of him having sex with men oddly hot. Of course, I really enjoy gay porn, and having a bi boyfriend ups the chances for having an MMF threesome, which would be awesome. You’re under no obligation to enjoy and celebrate his sexuality, though it would be neat if you could.
I’m a tall redheaded woman. My boyfriend recently confessed to me that he has slept with short blonde women in the past, before he met me. He was soooo brave to admit this; I admit I am repulsed but he promised it would never happen again. I want to believe him! But what if he secretly fantasizes about short blonde women? ewwww. I know that if a man has “that” kind of urge he will always have it. I can’t stop crying!! How can I cope??
signed,
heterophobe
As a bisexual, I’m personally offended by your homophobic question. Let me start by saying that your boyfriend may have slept with men in the past (and women as others have pointed out), but in the present and the future (though monogomous) – he’s still a bisexual man. His general interest in both genders is not going away… and he shouldn’t have to worry about keeping it bottled up inside to win your approval.
Whether he’s acting on it or not – he likes men too. It’s a big part of who he is. What makes him – him. If you find something as basic as his ability to love regardless of gender to be SO vile – then you have serious issues.
Nothing about him has changed – you’re the one with the problem – and it’s completely in your head.
Eh. The good news, if you want to look at it that way, is that there are forums all over the planet full of men expressing the exact same feelings of revulsion about women who’ve previously had sex with men. I promise I don’t mean this in a mean way but you might find more sympathy there. 🙁
The important thing to remember about bisexuality is that it’s… pretty much exactly like heterosexuality. Except with a bisexual partner who’s committed to a monogamous relationship with you is there’s the even more flattering realization that he or she has picked you over twice the number of potential partners: out of all the women and men in the world he’s choosing you! He’s forsaking all others! That’s the fairy-tale-romance gold slipper! The question you need to be asking yourself is are you worthy enough to wear it?
Rather than lying awake at night worrying about his past partners you might worry instead about whether he’ll be a good father. (Chances are, yes. Past partners don’t determine one’s parenting ability any more than it determines their likelihood of cheating.)
Good luck with your new family!
figleaf
Has he cheated on you? If not, what is your reasoning for assuming his bisexuality won’t stay in the past? Bisexuals can be monogamous, too. You say you can’t cope with “what he might do” – like what? Be a great father and a devoted husband? Heterosexuals don’t have the monopoly on making great families.
Like others have said, he’s likely slept with other women before you, and you’re not having an issue with that, it’s the act of sleeping with men that you find repulsive. Clearly this is just a homophobic response. Homosexual behaviours show up in many different species, and as far as I know, humanity is the only one that persecutes others for it. My advice to you is grow up and get over it.
If you were scared he’d cheat on you with another man, I’d understand all this.
But it sounds to me like you’re just grossed out because you’re a homophobe. Like F said, are do you feel “disgust” about the other women in his past?
As for “coping with what he’s done,” come on. We’re not talking about murder here. You actually don’t have anything to “cope” about, beyond what you’re inflicting on yourself. You weren’t even there.
Just a heads-up, I’m going to be harsh. Besides the fact he’s slept with men, your partner has also very likely slept with other women. Nevertheless he chose to be with you. If the idea of your partner sleeping with other people disgusts you, it’s up to you to stop imagining it.
Unless there is any evidence of unfaithfulness, you should be able to trust him. If not, get help to find out why you’re crying so much.
At the end of the day he admitted it, which shows he trust you and cares about you enough to let you know the real him, and it’s in his past. If he is as committed as he says he is it shouldn’t matter. You have to look at it from his point of view. If you were bisexual and felt confident enough in your partner to tell them something that you would otherwise keep private, you would want them to accept you for who you are and not dwell on your past. The vast majority have unsavoury pieces in their pasts, but it should be about what you have now and what you’re going to have in the future.