We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
My boyfriend just told me he was bisexual. He said in the past he has had sex with other men, but that it will never happen again. I want to believe him. I’m pregnant with his baby and he said he wants to get married. My problem is I don’t know if I can handle knowing that and still stay with him. I know it’s in his past, but how do I know it will stay there? As of right now I cant even look at him without feeling disgust, and I can’t stop crying because he’s still the love of my life. But I just dont know how to cope with what he’s done, or what he might do. I really don’t know how to feel ok with it, as bad as I want to, I still find it repulsive. Please help.
— Knocked Up and Knocked Out
What should KUKO do?
I’m a bi guy and the idea that because I’m bi I’m supposedly a liability for the principle of monogamy is fantastically offensive. I’ve been in a relationship with a beautiful woman for nearly a year. I would never in a million years think of cheating on her (despite numerous opportunities having thrown themselves my way). I am not a “closet gay” as one woefully misinformed poster suggested KUKO’s parter was…mostly because I know what I want and quite frankly the sex is as good as I’ve ever had it. Bisexuality isn’t a repulsive malady, it’s a legitimate and identity which is pliable to a relationship with whichever person you fall in love with. It doesn’t mean you ‘share’ that person with the opposite gender any more than a straight person shares his partner with all women in the world. I hope your bigoted disposition has settled by now because frankly your boyfriend doesn’t deserve someone as close-minded as you.
I’m a bisexual guy and can relate to a lot of what others have said on here. For what it’s worth, here’s my two cents:
This girl has every right to her feelings. I might think she’s misinformed on some level, but by no means do I consider her a bad person. Personally, I’m upfront about my sexuality when it comes to dating, and it kind of bothers me that he waited until after they became pregnant to tell her. I can understand why he didn’t tell her initially about it, but if you’re with someone that you truly feel to be “the one” then you should feel confident that they’re going to love you for ALL that you are.
Unfortunately, for a lot of people, the word “bisexual” conjures up images of 70’s swingers, open relationships, and/or inevitable cheating. Which means A LOT of rejection for bisexuals. So I can also very much empathize with her boyfriend. A lot of women (non-homophobic, progressive, and otherwise open-minded women) don’t want to date bisexual men for any number of reasons, and that means a lot of guys keep that fact from their significant others longer than they should, because we all fear that rejection.
Friends tell me I’m lucky that the entire population is a potential date (insert laughter here if you’re a bi male). Many straight and gay people seem to view it this way, and for someone in a relationship with a bisexual it doesn’t seem like such a leap to assume that the entire population has gone from a potential date to a potential home-wrecker. And for reasons that I have yet to figure out, the thought of that infidelity being with a member of your significant other’s same gender seems to be worse than hetero or gay cheating. As far as I’m concerned, cheating is cheating.
Here’s the thing though, straight men cheat. Gay men cheat. Bisexual men cheat. Straight women cheat. Lesbians cheat. Bisexual women cheat. Members of every orientation cheat. Any time you enter enter into a relationship with someone and give your heart to someone else it comes with the risk that it’s gonna get broken. It’s also what makes successful monogamous relationships so rewarding.
And as far as his past goes, if you really can’t get past him having sex with other men then break up with him. You ARE entitled to a preference. And he deserves to be with someone who will love and embrace him for who he truly is. Or, if you feel that you truly do love him, and you realize that really nothing of any real substance has changed (personally, I don’t think anything has) then forgive him, tell him never to keep anything like that from you again and happily move on to the business of starting your family. Either way, best of luck to you both and congratulations on the baby.
If you are having difficulty coping with your partner’s past relationships try reading I HATE HIS EX by Alex Cooper. I had loads of issues with my fiance’s ex and I have now resolved them thanks to the advice in this book! You can get it on Amazon! Definitely worth a read! 🙂
Grr, keyboard.. should read : If your question is : Are you scared that his bi-sexuality will rub off on the child and you don’t want that?
I think you need to ask yourself what you think is the problem here,
Are you scared that because he has twice as many people to cheat on he is more likely?
Are you scared that because this is something you didn’t know about him and your finding out now, that your going to discover more about him later which will also scare you?
Like many people here suggest, Are you homophobic?
Answer? Grow up, and do it fast, you have a baby on the way you are going to impart the knowledges that you have gained to, and need to have it together for him/her.
The World is full of people, who in turn are full of human emotions and chemistry and make good and bad choices, they can fight against it and they can give in to it, Its LIFE. If you judge someone for the rest of their lives based on mistakes thay have made, or will make, your going to mess up any chance of happiness. People make choices and mistakes. If you judge everyone based on this, you’ll never be happy, always resentful, always watching over your shoulder, always sneaking around to ‘catch’ them.
You’ve been with this guy long enough to understand if you trust him or not. He’s admitted his past which is important, he didn’t have to, he’s trusting you with this, show him some trust in return. If your repulsed by this, ask yourself.. WHY?
But if your q
If this is about your choices in raising your child, then Ok I agree with this one point, if you don’t want your child to be raised thinking that its ok to be gay because that’ll mean you have little chance to have grandkids, Ok, this is a different point, you have ideals for your future, if you want dark skinned kids you’d date a black guy, if you want red-haired kids you look for a ginger, if you want straight kids you’d want to raise them with straight values (choice) or with a straight parent (genetic).
Everyone does not feel the same way or like the somethings. The comments on this post sadden me as a person who has also just found out that her bf was bi. Everyone is tryna to push their own feelings on her. Im guessing that alot of the people ma king these harsh comments are gay and don’t want others to push their beliefs on them. This is how she feels and is just having a hard time dealing. Just as you can choose to be with whatever sex she can choose to be with someone who only likes women.
I totally feel for the poster and think that some of you are being too harsh, while defending your own opinions. If someone is gay…fine…if someone is bi… fine but if someone chooses not to be with a person that is of either persuasion then they should not be lied to. I too found out after moving in with my boyfriend that he was bi. Although he stopped seeing other men at about the same time he started seeing me he still carried on online webcam mutual masturbation with me and woman and set up a threesome, on my birthday none the less, but didn’t follow through with it. Poor poor him…He had a sexual addiction. Well okay but he didn’t need to lie to me and pull me into a world of hurt with his deception. This is the type of thing you talk about before making a commitment to someone by living with them or getting them pregnant. Have any of you heard of HIV?
Please break up with him and give him custody of the child. No one deserves to be judged in such a way. A marriage between an open minded, honest guy and a bigot will only end badly.
Ok, a lot of people have already summed up my feelings on this, and others have been outright hateful. However, I’m going to give this a shot.
From the sounds of it, if you’re just finding out about this now, yes, I would be shocked too. HOWEVER, he did tell you, and seems to be trying to clear the air and tell you something very important about himself. That is a sign that he’s trying his best to be honest with you, which is very important in a relationship. He’s communicating, also important. He may be a reserved person when it comes to his sexuality, or, having found you, is embarrassed about it.
You will have to talk to him about this, but try to understand how this may have been very, very hard for him to tell. He HAS chosen you, and seems to want to commit himself to you.
Also, you did say you are pregnant. Right now your body is going through a lot of changes just so it can help grow your child. It screws with your brain chemistry, and may be enhancing everything that upsets you, hence why you’re crying so much. Ask your doctor about it, or do some research online.
In the end, you need to sit down and really, really think about this. Yes, he’s bi, but seems to want to make this work with you. You aren’t happy about it, but (I’m assuming) he’s shown he’s been faithful to you. If you love him so much, do your DAMNDEST to make this work.
You may have to try to open your mind about all of this. Me personally, I’m bi, and I’m married. I don’t cheat on my husband with other women, and I told him about it before we got married. In the end, it worked out.
I sincerely hope that this works out for you both!
to nastassia regarding your statement: “The boyfriend is most likely gay but can’t fully come out.”
There is no way for you to know that. Bisexuals exist on their own merit, it is not just a stepping stone to gay. While this statement is not impossible, being in a long term relationship with the OP also makes it implausible. “most likely” is hardly the correct term.
Completely agree with Jen. I’d be completely shocked and feel duped by that kind of revelation. Monogamy is hard enough-now I have to worry about other women AND men?! No Thanks.
The boyfriend is most likely gay but can’t fully come out.
I’m wondering why its such an issue. You assumed he slept with other women, right? Its not really much different.
Now if you assumed he was a virgin then I can understand you being angry. Hell I’d be angry.
But I say this to you as a woman you is attracted to both genders. It has nothing to do with faithfulness. He can be attracted to men AND women and still be 100% faithful to you, just as you can be attracted to other men and be faithful. Its normal. Its natural. I hope you don’t decide to break up with him over this. I think you’d cheat yourself out of a great man if you did.
Why is he a DOG or should I ask “What is a DOG” ?
jennyp, I’m really sorry about your marriage. But the problem isn’t that the guy is bi (and in fact, it sounds like he isn’t) — the problem is that he’s a DOG. Unrelated.
Wow. I’m really shocked at how mean and harsh everyone was.
So she was shocked to find out her future child’s father is bisexual when she had thought he was straight. I would be shocked, I’d be angry he hadn’t told me sooner, I’d be scared, it would be really hard to adjust my idea of who my SO is. It’s a whole part of him she didn’t know. I think a lot of people would feel that way.
I’m not a homophobe and I’m not against bisexuals, I just think it’s hard to learn that everything isn’t as you thought it was. It’s hard when you assume your SO has only slept with women to find out he has also slept with men. Despite the fact that there are a lot of bisexuals out there it’s not exactly something you’d expect to hear. It’s easier to accept something you thought of as a given in the first place (like a guy having slept with other women in the past.) I don’t know many women that expect their man to have slept with other men. She has every right to be weirded out at first.
Why don’t you guys be more compassionate and understanding. She’s having trouble getting used to it. Got any positive constructive ideas to help her adjust or are you just looking to bash?