We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
I’m having a moral crisis. I met someone on craigslist a few months ago. The nature of the relationship was that we both wanted a FWB situation. The sex was fantastic! I eventually got curious about this man, looked him up, and discovered he had a girlfriend. I promptly ended our lusty relationship (my sister’s boyfriend cheated on her – she was devastated). Now all I can think about is telling the girlfriend what a cheating d-bag her boyfriend is. My rationale: I would want to know if it were me! Should I do this? Or stay out of it?
— The Messenger
What should The Messenger do? Let her know in the comments below.
^ Thing is, following your advice, she’d only be anonymous to the duped woman, and maybe not for long. The guy would probably know exactly who blew the whistle on him. He might then enact some crazy retaliation. Or, he might snap under interrogation by his partner. Or, she might stalk out the details – I’ve noticed that pissed-off women are the strongest sleuths in the world.
That’s why my REAL advice is to say nothing, for the same reasons you advise anonymity: staying the hell away from crazy.
Even after reading all of these really thoughtful responses, I’m still in the “if you decide to tell her just for her own health’s sake, keep as far away from the crazy as you can by being anonymous”.
I’m not sure why people so easily can urge “The Messenger” to get closely involved in a situation with someone she doesn’t know over having sex with someone she barely knows. She isn’t dropping “the corpse of her committed relationship on her porch”. Sounds like this guy has already turned the relationship into a walking-dead scenario.
A note that said something like… “Hey, I met your boyfriend online. We had sex. When I found out he was cheating on you, I ended it. I’m telling you this because if I was in your place, I’d want to know so I didn’t end up with a disease or wasting my life on a man who was cheating on me. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.”… is going to get the point across just fine. The Messenger doesn’t need to deal with it more than that. She did the right thing and ended it, but doesn’t have to open her life up to a potentially really nasty and messy situation involving a stranger’s life by telling the woman who she is.
I was recently in the same situation, only the guy I was seeing for 4 months was married.
I broke it off and told the wife. She didn’t want to know who he was sleeping with as long as he was leaving her alone.
I suggest telling the Mrs, give her all the info and your contact info for when she has questions.
Regarding the anonymous tipoff method: I am going to agree with Johnny and disagree with others. No matter how you tell them it’s going to hurt them.
If you ran over her dog you wouldn’t drop the corpse on her porch, ring the doorbell, and run away. Not even (and maybe even especially) if running over the dog was a complete accident. Not even if it was the dog’s “fault” for running out before you could see him.
Well. Neither should you drop the corpse of her committed relationship on her porch. And as in my analogy, “but it was his fault” doesn’t give you permission to ring the bell and run away.
And I think that actually resolves my earlier qualms: if you’re willing to own your part in telling her then go for it. Otherwise it would be better if someone with integrity let her know her partner has none.
figleaf
My first reaction was, “you sought out a casual sexual relationship on craigslist, and now you’re actually surprised that there’s a shady side?”
But maybe you’re unfamiliar with Craigslist hookup culture. Cheating, obese threesomes, and sexual predation are pretty much what the (hetero) Craigslist hookup board is for. Be thankful – it could have turned out way weirder. Consider this a lesson learned, and stick to proper dating sites from now on. The type where a guy has a face pic in the profile and the “single” box checked off.
I still say don’t do it, but if you must,t show yourself. No anonymous tips. That’s the cruelest way you could do it. Put yourself in her shoes – imagine an anonymous tipster told you your guy was cheating. Imagine the insane confusion you’d experience if you were forced to believe either your man, or a nameless, faceless accuser with a damning tale.
I…
I…
I think the best answer is “tell her if you’re really sure that’s what you want to do.” Otherwise I’m really, really not sure you should.
I’ve now lived in the very progressive Pacific Northwest for more than half my life. My PNW half says what could possibly go wrong. If this were a Portlandia script she might even thank you and you’d become wry “comrade in arms” coffee companions. I mean, you didn’t know, she didn’t know, you’re both wronged parties with the same ex in common. So no problem there.
The other half of my life, though, I lived in a healthy mix of Southern Appalachian culture — rural, urban, suburban, exurban. And in not a single one of those places would I ever recommend it. Not least because she probably, um, wouldn’t thank you. She might blame you (hey, knowingly or not you did have sex with her partner!) And in a lot of those areas there’s a sort of half self preservation half diplomacy tendency to overlook what you actually know is true… unless and until someone brings it up in a way you can’t overlook. At which point one becomes “honor bound” to pull the fire alarm.
Now.
Stereotypes aside there are actually plenty of people in the South who’d be all Portlandia with you. And there are plenty of people in Portland who’d publish your name with your transgressions and a warning all over Facebook, Yelp, Linked-in, Reddit, and maybe even on a billboard on your way to work.
Bottom line: if you’re equally comfortable with either praise or blame then go for it. If you’re expecting a medal there’s at best a 50/50 chance you’ll get one. If your conscience won’t let you remain silent then please don’t. If you just want revenge on the guy then… I dunno, I think revenge is a really lousy motive.
Final point: Would anyone’s advice change if the roles were reversed? Would you feel comfortable recommending that a man tell another man his girlfriend has been cheating with him? If your answer were the same either way then congratulations, that would be a good call. If you not then your answer should probably be no.
Great, tough question. Good luck with your decision. However you choose I hope it all goes well.
fl
Ack I didn’t even consider the health ethics aspect! I guess I just am more familiar with how damaging “the crazy” from situations like this can be than any health issues that have stemmed from them.
M’s anonymity idea is a really good one.
ew ew ew. You must feel so icky from this, I know I would.
I would say that you have a responsibility to inform her, maybe because of emotional ethics but DEFINITELY because of health ethics. If she thinks he is monogamous and she’s not protecting herself, she could be in physical danger.
I agree with M. Give her the information anonymously so you don’t get caught in the back lash or get blamed. She might just stay with him anyway but at least you tried.
I am The Messenger. I asked him if they had an open relationship (I really really hoped this was true) – it is not. He is indeed cheating on her. I just think my duty is to inform her. If she doesn’t want to believe me the choice is hers.
Tell her. Put together the information that you have (presumably his craigslist posting) and put it in her mailbox with a note saying if she wasn’t previously aware, you thought she had the right to know. I’d suggest not even leaving your name. Whether or how she wants to react is between her and her boyfriend.
I’m with you; I would want to know.
Not your problem. Don’t get involved.
I’d stay out of it.
Yes, he could be in a non-monogamous relationship. But not being honest about that sort of relationship with a regular sexual partner doesn’t really sit well with me. I’ll say it could be a possibility, but not a good one.
Chances are, if he’s a lying cheater, then the woman he’s with is pretty firmly wrapped around his finger. Maybe she knows something is wrong, but is in denial about it. Maybe she’s completely oblivious but would justify his actions if confronted. Maybe she just wouldn’t believe you – “everyone is just out to get my man away from me.”
The only way for a person to get out of a deceptive relationship is to come to the realization of how destructive it is on their own. Nothing anyone says really matters if someone is caught up with a manipulative liar.
Stay away from the crazy. Far away.
My first thought: How do you know that he’s cheating? Maybe he & his partner have an agreement that he can see other people (non-monogamous).
Right. Why limit yourself to the portions on a box. Truthfully cheating can be a passionate catalyst to solve whatever problems they would be having to be this insecure about the relationship. This is even more true when you’ve the man is amazing in bed ( I feel sorry for those lasting less than 5 minutes, you have my condolences, and my left overs (; … especially when it’s so easy, just look here ) and the sex becomes monotonous after doing all the same moves. Need to fix the underlying reasons nobodys talking about first.
Just to be clear JacksonK, when you say “cheating” you mean agreed upon cheating, as in an open relationship, yes? The word “cheating” connotes lying and breaking the rules, i.e. basically the opposite of a responsible open relationship, which is all about communication and agreed upon boundaries. But if you actually mean cheating as in sneaking behind your partner’s back without their consent when they believe you’re in a monogamous relationship, then we have to call bullshit: Saying cheating like this can solve relationship problems is like saying let’s use MORE pesticides to try to fix the disappearing bee problem, or filling your cabinets with sweets just test the strength of your diet, or having a baby together to solve your relationship problems. Not a good idea.