We very nearly skipped your question, as we are tempted to do whenever we get a letter that makes our heads hurt. But you sound so nice and you’re clearly trying so hard to do the right thing that we feel obliged to answer — even if we’re not sure that we have a simple answer for you.
One thing we will say is that there are two kinds of desire when it comes to sex: there’s a physical desire to get naked, and then there’s an emotional desire to be close to your partner. You clearly have the emotional desire. And you know what? Maybe that’s all you’ll ever have. Or maybe you’ll feel emotional desire most of the time and once in a blue moon your physical desire will show up.
But that doesn’t mean you’re “broken inside.” To think that way is to take a very male-centric approach to libido. Just because your physical drive doesn’t match your boyfriend’s, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just means you’re different.
We commend you for being so open to trying new things! You may not think it, but your boyfriend is a lucky guy. That said, we don’t think you should force yourself to do anything that doesn’t feel good. But five or ten minutes of fun in bed is nothing to sneeze at — maybe you two should just compromise at regular quickies. Plenty of women are happy with ten minutes of sex at a time, there’s nothing strange about that. In fact, most women who masturbate regularly can climax in just two or three minutes — so don’t get hung up on this idea that you should enjoy hour-long sex sessions. For some people, that’s heaven — and for others, it’s just plain annoying. You’ll see a lot of women on sites like sexm lasting for a while and that’s totally normal too! The point is, we’re all different so not everything is going to work for you.
There are a million more things we could say on this topic — because it’s not a simple question, and there’s no simple answer. Rather than try to wrap up this letter with a snappy one-liner, we’d like to reprint an article we wrote a few years back for Red magazine in the U.K. It was inspired by an excellent memoir on this very topic called I’d Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido by Joan Sewell. The article begins below — at the very least, we hope it will convince you that you’re not broken inside. You can also click here to read everything in our archive related to libido.
The Libido Cure
by Em & Lo
Can you imagine any of the men you know “working on” their libido? Do they linger in a bubble bath to awaken their nerve endings, do they hit the treadmill to get their juices flowing, do they insist on a backrub to help them warm up to the idea?
Not so much, right? In fact, a strong breeze gets most guys in the mood. So how come it can be such hard work for the rest of us?
According to recent research, 33 percent of American women and 32 of the ladies over here have “low libidos.” Of course, the astute reader will notice that therefore 68% of British women don’t have sagging sex drives (just hope your best friend isn’t one of them when you finally get up the courage to confide your libido woes!). But still, how is it possible that a third of all women experience this so-called sexual dysfunction? Are we that screwed up? Or could it be that what’s really screwed up is our concept of “normal”?
“The gold standard is men, that’s what we’re being measured against”, says Joan Sewell, author of the new memoir I’d Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido. [read an excerpt here] “It’s politically correct to say that we have equal libidos because we want to feel equal to men socially, but anthropologists and socio-biologists all agree that, across all cultures, women have a far lower libido than men.”
Pity the poor woman with a low libido – these days she doesn’t even have cultural stereotypes on her side. Once upon a time it was pretty much assumed that women weren’t as sexual as men, or weren’t even sexual at all. Then along came feminism, the discovery of the clitoris, and decent sex education, all of which gave women permission to embrace their sexuality. But now, thanks in part to shows like Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, and Footballers’ Wives, having anything less than a hyperactive sex drive is considered, well, kind of uncool. “It’s become a point of pride,” says Sewell. “Women brag about their libidos and talk about men as if they’re consumables, and if you don’t feel that way, you’re branded as inhibited or sour grapes.”
Don’t get us wrong: We think it’s brilliant that women are now comfortable dishing about their sex lives over tea or cosmopolitans. But sometimes all this openness results in inflated expectations that can make sex feel like a competition. And those women who aren’t “winning” may experience a double-dose of anxiety: They worry “How is my partner is coping without a regular roll in the hay?” and they wonder “What the hell’s wrong with me?”
“My libido is really, really low and I hate it,” says Francesca, a 35-year-old mother and business owner who is still head over heels for her husband – but that love just isn’t translating to lust right now. “I feel guilty, not just on my partner’s behalf, but on my own, too, in a way.”
Unfortunately, thinking that you’re somehow defective in bed can be a self-fulfilling prophecy: Nothing squashes an already anemic libido quite like diagnosing yourself – based on a particularly moving episode of Oprah, perhaps-as sexually dysfunctional. In other words, if you can’t beat that 32 percent, then join them.
Dr. Patti Britton, PhD, author of The Art of Sex Coaching, thinks we shouldn’t give in so easily. “There’s this trend toward the medicalisation of sexuality,” she says. “The model is: There’s something wrong with you, we can diagnose and name it, and then we can give you a pill or a cream to cure it.” Like Sewell, she believes that our approach to what is normal in the sack is problematically male-based. “We are not bags of raging hormones who are horny around the clock,” she says. “That’s just not how female desire works.”
The traditional model for sex has five phases: desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. And, sure, sometimes it happens in this order for women, especially in a new relationship or after a week apart or a few vodka tonics. But not always – which doesn’t mean these women are out of whack, it just means they have a different natural order.
“Many women need to actually be aroused and move up that scale and feel excitement and maybe even plateau in order for desire to kick in,” Britton explains. “They don’t initially have desire, they have an openness and a willingness, and then, lo and behold, that desire shows up as a desire to continue.” In other words, what looks like low libido might just be a delayed start – and a so-called low libido doesn’t necessarily mean that a woman enjoys sex any less.
In fact, almost every woman we interviewed who claimed to “suffer” from a low libido said that when her partner initiates and she just goes along for the ride, she typically ends up having a good time: “I often have sex when I’m not in the mood,” says Amy, a 39-year-old divorced writer. “But it’s with the full knowledge that the mood will kick in – and it usually does.”
“Women need to understand that they’re not usually going to feel like they’re about to explode in the groin like their male counterparts,” says Britton. “And men need to understand that the reason she doesn’t ever initiate is that she’s not itchy, so she’s not going to scratch it.”
“My husband can never understand how I can happily have sex with him five nights a week, but then if he goes away for two weeks on business, I won’t think about sex once!” says Melanie, a 34-year-old TV researcher who’s been married for two years. “He’ll masturbate every night in his hotel room, and he can’t believe that it never occurs to me to do the same.”
Often, a woman won’t even realise that her partner is the one making all the first moves. We asked a couple who have been married for nine years who typically initiates sex. “It’s about 50-50,” reports the Missus. “Um, it’s actually more like me 90 percent of the time,” says her husband. “Oh!” she replies. “Well, I love it that you’re always asking me to have sex.” In her mind, the ratio is 50-50 because she figures she’s enjoying the sex at least as much as her husband. But no one could blame him for thinking that his sex drive is nine times as powerful as his wife’s.
Of course, waiting for your guy to initiate and then lying back, thinking of England, and hoping for the best is not exactly a proactive (or particularly healthy) way to get what you want in bed. That’s where Britton’s holistic M.E.B.E.S. (Mind, Emotions, Body, Energy, Spirit) approach to sex comes in. Understanding that the libido often manifests itself differently in men and women is only the first step in this plan (“Mind”). Step two, “Emotions,” involves dealing with all the guilt, shame, and fear that are part of the package. The panic can set in: If I don’t lust after him, maybe he’ll turn to someone else who does. “Many times, it’s in her imagination,” says Britton. “If she talks to her partner, those fears are often stilled. He might say, I have no intention of leaving you, I just wish we could have sex a little more often!” And then at least your worst-case scenarios are dismissed. Because giving a blowjob just so your husband’s secretary won’t isn’t exactly the number one way to get in the mood.
“We used to have lots of long chats about our sex life,” says Maggie, a 34-year-old floral designer who got married a few years ago. “It involved lots of crying, hugging, sympathizing and apologizing. Now, we giggle about it and make it part of our daily conversation, like, You know, we haven’t had sex in about a month, and I feel very distant from you these last few weeks, wanna go away for the weekend and reconnect?”
Next comes the all-important “Body” step. A research presentation at the most recent gathering of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality showed that body image is now the single most important component of a woman’s sex drive. “If a woman doesn’t have a good image of herself, she probably has low desire,” says Britton. “It’s almost a correlate you can count on.” So accepting the things you can’t change (aging) and courageously changing the things you can (with decent nutrition and regular exercise) is essential.
But it’s not just a matter of how you feel about your boobs or your belly: It’s what you (or your partner) can (or can’t) do with that body, too. If you think you’re not good in bed or at giving head – or if you know that your partner is skilled at neither – then it’s no wonder you’re not giddily rushing into the bedroom. Britton’s recommendation? Educational DVDs about sex: “Watching people being sexual is the best teacher of all.”
But all the blowjob skills in the world won’t matter if you’re just too tired to get down there (the “Energy” factor). “With email and texts and P.D.A.s, we’re always in demand and on tap,” says Britton. “There’s not a lot of energy left to be sexual.” Her suggestion is to allocate time when you’re not on-tap: turn off the phones, turn down the lights, use scented oils. And don’t pressure yourself into feeling that this is supposed to be “sexy time.” It’s simply “me-time” – and you may have to bank quite a bit of it before you’re ready to invite someone else along.
Finally, there’s “Spirit,” which basically just means not losing your sense of self in the process. We live in such a fix-it culture that it’s tempting to approach something like a low libido as if it were simply a matter of changing the batteries or oiling the parts. But this step is about figuring out what works for you. “Most women don’t use sex as a way of recharging,” says Britton. “Whereas for men, sex is often their de-stressing zone. It’s their discharge and their recharge!” For you, maybe it’s a day at the spa, maybe it’s tantric sex, maybe it’s a little masturbation before hubby gets home – and maybe it is a bubble bath, the treadmill, or a backrub.
Heidi Raykeil, author of Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I Found My Lost Libido, went searching for her sex drive after the birth of her daughter, and along the way addressed all five of Britton’s steps without even knowing it! First, she got her head straight: She tells us, “I just accepted that I have my own, sometimes fickle, sometimes feral sexuality – not some TV version of sexuality.” Second, she and her husband dealt with their emotions: “In the process of writing about what was not going on with us, we actually started talking about it. Not fighting, or blaming, or guilting – but really communicating.” Third, she got medical help with a thyroid problem that was negatively affecting her libido. Fourth, she found more “me-time” with her husband’s help: “He realized there was a connection between me feeling sexy and getting time away from the baby, so he would take her more or arrange childcare he knew I trusted. Also, as lame and old-school as it sounds, he started cleaning more and helping out around the house. Not as a trade for sex, but because he realized that walking past a stack of dirty dishes on the way to the bedroom doesn’t do much for my mood.” And finally, they figured out what they each needed to feel sexy individually (sleep, time alone, exercise, de-stressing), and what they needed to do to stay feeling sexy as a couple (turn off the TV, have fun outside the house, communicate better). Raykeil says, “When we connect emotionally and spiritually, the door opens a lot wider for us to connect physically.”
But Raykeil’s story may make a libido-makeover seem easier than it is. Sewell, the author of I’d Rather Eat Chocolate, tried everything: therapy, thongs, naughty thoughts, dirty talk, quickies, slow sensual sex, chocolate icing (for his penis), housework (by him), instructional videos, initiating, masturbation, romance, role-playing, and just going along for the ride to see if she’d get in the mood (she didn’t). None of this changed the fact that she just couldn’t imagine wanting sex more than three or four times a month – and even then, she’d always choose chocolate or a good book over the boot-knocking. Her husband, given his druthers, would like it five to six times a week.
It wasn’t until Sewell’s relationship was headed for divorce court that she finally hit on something that worked. She did it by figuring out what she dreaded most about sex (soldiering through it no matter what) and what she didn’t mind so much (dressing up in lingerie, doing stripteases, and, luckily for her husband, giving blowjobs). So they came up with a kind of sex contract: “I agreed to sexual contact three times a week, so long as I could determine both the pace and the content of these sessions,” says Sewell. This meant her reserving the right to take a break in the middle of sex if she needed to – maybe she’d grab a can of Coke from the fridge, stretch her legs, have a Kit-Kat. It also meant that on some nights, there’d be full-on sex or a blowjob, while on others, she’d just entertain him with a lapdance while he rubbed one out.
Now, she no longer dreads sex – in fact, most of the time she kind of enjoys it. (And trust us, if she can, then almost anyone can.) Oh yeah, and her marriage got a lot better. “Kip became a more loving, attentive, and communicative man,” she writes. “Our marriage became more intimate in other areas. He became more affectionate, happier. To me, it was impossible to fathom that sex could make such a difference, but it did.”
While Sewell’s plan is intricately tailored to her relationship, her approach can be generalized to anyone’s situation: Be honest with yourself and then your partner about what you like most and least about sex, and then work your love life around that. Maybe your only problem is that six nights a week doesn’t give you enough time to miss sex – and chances are, your partner would rather have you gagging for it once a week than going through the motions night after night. Or perhaps the rapid-fire jackhammering so fancied by men (and most pornos) doesn’t appeal to your sensibilities.
“My husband and I have much better sex when a bit of time has passed between our seshes,” says 34-year-old Anne, whose husband usually waits for her to initiate so he knows she’s really in the mood. “Still, he’d like it more. So I’ve told him, If you want it more, then the onus is on you to get me in the mood and do it the way I really like.” For Anne, that means building up slowly with lots of teasing, occasionally tying her up, and limiting actual thrusting time to ten minutes.
Finally, after all the self-exploration and self-improvement and mutual compromise, remember that it’s okay to just say no. After all, consistently having sex when you don’t want to can lead to bad sex, which can lead to not wanting to have sex even more. Explains Heidi Raykeil, “Saying No, I don’t want to do it tonight without hemming and hawing or lying or making excuses is a lot more empowering and feels a whole lot better.” And if you go to sleep feeling good, then who knows? Maybe you’ll wake up in the mood for a little morning nookie.
Five Easy Ways to Feel Really Good
Have you heard of oxytocin? It’s known as the body’s feel-good hormone (not to be confused with the infamous feel-good drug OxyContin), and studies show that when we don’t have enough of it, we’re not going to feel much like reaching out and touching someone. “Oxytocin won’t necessarily increase your sex drive,” says Dr. Laura Burlen, M.D., Ph.D., who has studied the role of hormones in women’s sexual health for decades. “But it does make you more receptive to touch, it helps with increased vaginal lubrication, and it makes the climax better.” We’ll take that for starters! Burlen recently founded the Balencia Wellness Spa, where she often prescribes her low-libido clients oxytocin in the form of a pill or nasal spray. But she also prescribes simple human touch, which can naturally boost oxytocin levels. This is why a low libido is often a vicious circle: The more oxytocin we have, the more we crave touch, so touch begets touch – and no touch begets, well, no touch. But the good news is that this touch can come from anyone. Here are Burlen’s favorite D.I.Y. tips for upping your oxytocin levels this week:
1. Get a facial or a mani-pedi during your lunch break.
2. Make an appointment to have your hair straightened-and then spend the night in.
3. Have lunch with your girlfriends. Who knew that scientists actually studied this stuff? But yep, a good natter with good friends can up the feel-good factor, too.
4. Snuggle up on the couch together for Dancing with the Stars.
5. Get a professional massage, either alone or with your partner.
And if you’re wondering why you often crave the massage or the pedicure instead of sex? “The massage is just bringing you up to the normal level of oxytocin,” says Burlen. “Then you need more touch, like foreplay, to get the surge you need before sex.” So the ideal date night, according to Burlen? “A facial, then a massage from your husband, and then sex!” Just tell your bloke it’s what the doctor ordered.
As Christian knows, you dampen one or two senses, it heightens the rest, particular your sense of touch. In the trilogy, they use an airline sleeping mask, which we’re all for. But come on, billionaire Grey has to steal the in-flight paraphernalia for his kinky fuckery? Not buying it. More plausible would be an elegant silk number like LELO’s Intima Collection, perhaps in red to match the blood red walls of his upstairs dungeon. If you need to improvise, scarves work well — just be sure to tie the knot to the side so your blindfold-ee doesn’t have to lie on it.
Christian uses everything from the iconic woven tie on the cover of the first book to metal handcuffs, from leather cuffs to silk ones. Ties will work if you’ve got nothing else handy, but they can also pinch if they’re tied too tightly, cutting off circulation, which is a no no. And you read about the booboos Ana got from the metal handcuffs. As for the cable ties Christian bought from Ana in the hardware store: Don’t go there! (Way too dangerous for newbies. See our book “150 Shades of Play” for why). No, best to go with purpose-made cuffs that keep you secure without causing bodily harm, like Etherea Silk Cuffs for more vanilla play, Sutra Chainlink Silk & Suede Cuffs for Red Room play. If you indeed are thinking about re-enacting any “50” scenes, read up on our 10 Rules of Wrist Restraint.
Often sold as “back massagers,” these big boys are for external stimulation, usually of the clitoris. They pack such a powerful punch that the recipient of its vibrations may get over-sensitized. Which, if you’re into sensual torture, could be just the tool for you. The most famous is the Magic Wand, but has their own beautiful line of “Smart Wands” that are rechargeable and waterproof!
Just like purpose-made wrist restrains, accept they attach to your biceps and hook behind your back (NSFW!), limiting movement and sticking your boobs out for you. You can also improvise with a set of wrist cuffs, as long as they’re big enough for your biceps, fit comfortably and don’t keep falling down around your elbows. Or go for a hip corset with attatched wrist restraints.
Also known as Ben Wa Balls, Geisha Balls, or Vaginal Beads. They can be free-floating, or connected by a cord. They can be hard and shiny, or made of softer material. Inside each is a weight that moves when you move, causing your vaginal muscles to involuntarily contract. The sensation is subtle and will be better at promoting pelvic floor health — which should be a priority — than it will be at giving you instantaneous orgasms. In fact, you can wear them and pretty easily forget about them. That is, of course, unless you’ve got a hot 27-year-old billionaire spanking you at the same time. LELO has the bestselling beads in the world, including a luxury 20-karat gold version for Grey-types. Read much more about balls and beads from us here.
This is a “pain relieving gel for bumps, bruises, sprains, sports injuries & over-exercising.” Applied after a bottom spanking (as Christian did on Ana’s red tush), this ointment may reduce bruising. You can also try applying beforehand as well. Either way, you get a nice sensual butt massage out of it. Read up on our Spanking Tips here.
Disciplinary devices for horses and errant submissives. Newbies should use it for teasing and tantalizing, not beatings. (Or for simply completing an outfit.) The power of a crop swing should equal that of an enthusiastic love pat, and only then should its target be the fleshiest parts of someone’s bottom. Anywhere else, and you’d be wise to use the impact of a feather. Reread the scene from the first Fifty Shades, and do what the kinder, gentler Grey does (“This is not going to hurt. Do you understand?”) with something like the GoodVibes Riding Crop.
Stiff bars, usually two to three feet long, with a cuff at either end, used to force the wearer’s ankles or wrists into a spread eagle pose during bondage play — most bars can be adjusted, depending on how much yoga your own “Ana” practices. They’re handy if you don’t have bedposts for attaching cuffs to. Instant self-contained bondage! Sure, your prisoner could still get up and walk around if they were particularly coordinated, but they’d look mighty funny doing so. And you’re not going to believe this, but Amazon sells one for a mere $35 bucks — and it’s available via Prime!
The kind Christian uses are bejeweled “tweezer clamps.” GoodVibes sells the official Fifty Shades version with beaded charms (they’ll do fine). They also have Alligator-Style Clamps on a chain. All versions have rubber tips and are adjustable, so you can start with a very light squeeze. Test the grip on your inner wrist. And remember those playground fights? The less skin you pinch, the more it hurts, and the bigger and wider the clamps are, the less they’ll hurt. Grab the nipple close to the base, or even on the areola, for a gentler hold. Test them on yourself first before you put them on anyone else (yes, men have nipples too!) — that way, you know what you’re both getting into. Just remember, you don’t want to go too tight or for too long (no more than 10, 15 minutes). And it’s gonna hurt like hell when you take them off, so ease the tension off them slowly — at least until you become more accustomed to playing around with them.
The pom pom of the BDSM world. (“Give me a W! Give me an H! Give me an I! Give me a P!”) A popular flagellation tool, a flogger consists of a fairly stout handle and several “tails” of equal length (from one- to three-feet long) made of leather, suede, nylon, pleather, rubber, or even ribbon. One of Christian’s had little beads on the ends, which beginners should steer clear of (too dangerous): instead, go with a well-made, small, light-impact flogger like the Sensua Suede Whip. That and a light touch will evoke more giggles than actual cries of pain.
The anal area is chock-full of nerve endings just dying for some attention. And a butt plug can do that for you — filling you up, giving your sphincter something to contract around, and raising all-over goose bumps when it’s finally removed (you know you know that feeling). But you’ve got to start small with a little finger and then work up to an inanimate object, but only one designed specifically for the tush (lest you end up in the E.R. with an embarrassing story to tell). As with any toy, go for safe, hygienic materials, quality design and durability: the Little Flirt is a good start for both guys and gals. If you’re a genuine “Christian,” then you can afford the 24K gold-plated Earl for gentlemen (what’s a measly $2590?).
This is a piece of bondage furniture for serious kinksters (they are pretty pricey) named for the X-shaped cross that Saint Andrew was allegedly crucified on. It features restraining points at the wrists, ankles, and sometimes the waist. We can’t imagine all the soccer moms devouring Fifty Shades are really going to install a bondage cross in their basement next to the storage boxes of winter hats and coats, but here are a few examples from Metalbound.com for you anyway.
:%20I%20don%27t%20know%20how%20I%20compare%20to%20the%20rest%20of%20the%20world%20of%20single,%20straight%20guys,%20but%20I%20still%20open%20doors,%20hold%20chairs%20(though%20less%20often%20than%20the%20door),%20and%20buy%20dinners.%20I%27m%20not%20exactly%20sure%20where%20in%20the%20realm%20of%20online%20dating%20and%20pornhub.com%20chivalry%20died,%20but%20it%20seems%20to%20me%20that%20all%20of%20my%20girl%20friends%20are%20going%20dutch%20or%20paying%20for%20meals%20on%20their%20dates.%20I%27m%20not%20a%20rich%20guy,%20but%20if%20I%20can%27t%20afford%20a%20nice%20dinner,%20I%20cook%20one.%20And%20if%20I%20can%20afford%20dinner,%20I%20pay%20for%20it.%20I%20hold%20doors%20open%20because%20it%20is%20the%20polite%20thing%20to%20do,%20not%20because%20I%20am%20stronger%20than%20my%20frail%20little%20trophy%20dates.%20Sometimes%20I%20help%20old%20ladies%20cross%20the%20street%20or%20out%20of%20a%20taxi.%20I%20carry%20stuff%20for%20people,%20men%20and%20women,%20and%20I%20say,%20%22Thank%20you,%20sir%22%20and%20%22Can%20I%20help%20you,%20ma%27am?%22%20Maybe%20that%20makes%20me%20old%20fashioned,%20but%20I%20think%20it%20makes%20me%20fucking%20cool.%20%20%3Cstrong%3EGay%20Married%20Guy%20(%3C/strong%3E%3Ca%20href=%22http://jonrosspot.blogspot.com/%22%20target=%22newwin%22%3EJon%20Ross%3C/a%3E%3Cstrong%3E):%20%3C/strong%3EFor%20me,%20at%20the%20heart%20of%20chivalry%20is%20respect%20and%20consideration%20and%20therefore%20it%20does%20play%20a%20role%20in%20gay%20relationships.%20However,%20chivalry%20does%20have%20very%20specific%20gender%20connotations%20that%20would%20be%20a%20little%20bit%20ridiculous%20applied%20to%20a%20gay%20relationship.%20I%20would%20be%20extremely%20put%20off%20if,%20for%20example,%20a%20date%20held%20out%20a%20chair%20for%20me%20at%20a%20restaurant.%20However,%20small%20gestures%20like%20holding%20a%20door%20for%20me,%20offering%20me%20a%20seat%20on%20a%20bus%20or%20train,%20or%20even%20offering%20me%20his%20jacket%20if%20I%27m%20freezing%20would%20all%20be%20appreciated.%20In%20that%20respect%20both%20gay%20and%20hetero%20relationships%20are%20the%20same.%20However,%20guys%20can%20easily%20overdo%20it.%20No%20one%20should%20be%20treated%20like%20a%20frail%20and%20helpless%20object,%20rather%20with%20the%20respect%20and%20consideration%20everybody%20(well,%20most%20people)%20deserves.%20%3C!--more--%3E%20%20%3Cstrong%3EStraight%20Married%20Guy%20(%3Ca%20href=%22http://manflet.blogspot.com/%22%20target=%22_blank%22%3EJames%20Glazebrook%3C/a%3E):%20%3C/strong%3EYes,%20chivalry%20is%20antiquated%20but%20just%20like%20sonnets,%20bodices%20and%20horse-drawn%20carriages,%20it%27s%20also%20romantic.%20I%27ll%20always%20hold%20the%20door%20open%20for%20my%20wife,%20or%20carry%20stuff%20for%20her,%20or%20give%20her%20my%20coat%20when%20it%27s%20cold%20--%20not%20because%20she%27s%20a%20woman,%20but%20because%20I%20love%20her%20<sigh>.%20As%20for%20other%20women,%20I%27ll%20hold%20the%20door%20open%20--%20I%20afford%20even%20men%20that%20courtesy%20--%20but,%20apart%20from%20that,%20they%27re%20on%20their%20own.%20Pretty%20much%20all%20of%20the%20social%20conventions%20we%20haven%27t%20done%20away%20with%20by%20now%20are%20those%20designed%20to%20get%20us%20what%20we%20want.%20Just%20like%20a%20salesman%20will%20shake%20your%20hand%20and%20say%20%22nice%20to%20meet%20you%22,%20the%20average%20guy%20is%20only%20going%20to%20lend%20you%20his%20coat%20if%20he%20wants%20to%20get%20in%20your%20pants.%20%20%3Cspan%20style=%22font-size:%200.8em;%22%3E%3Cem%3EOur%20%22guys%22%20are%20a%20rotating%20group%20of%20contributors%3Cspan%20style=%22font-size:%201em;%22%3E.%3C/span%3E%3C/em%3E%3C/span%3E%3Cem%3E%3Cspan%20style=%22font-size:%200.8em;%22%3E%3Cspan%20style=%22font-size:%201em;%22%3E%20Th%3C/span%3Eis%20week%27s%20Straight%20Married%20Guy%20is%20%3Ca%20href=%22https://www.emandlo.com/about/index.php#glazebrook">James Glazebrook</a> of <a href="http://manflet.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Manflet</a>, our </span></em><span style="font-size: 0.8em;"><em>Straight Single Guy is <a href="http://www.chrisdiclerico.com/" target="newwin">Chris DiClerico</a></em></span><em><span style="font-size: 0.8em;">, and our Gay Married Guy is <a href="http://jonrosspot.blogspot.com/" target="newwin">Jon Ross</a></span></em><span style="font-size: 0.8em;"><em>. </em></span><span style="font-size: 0.8em;"><em>To ask the guys your own question, <a href="../../2009/contact/" target="_self">click here</a>.</em></span>){kind=link}