Swedish pop star Zara Larsson’s condom-ed leg, via Instagram
The film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, the first book in the mega-selling erotic trilogy by E.L. James, is almost here! It arrives in theaters Valentine’s Day weekend (ladies, get your limos ready!). With the casting of Jamie Dornan (The Fall) as Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson (The Social Network) as Anastasia Steele, many diehard fans cried foul, saying that the filmmakers got it wrong. We’re not sure any casting would have been universally warmly received (short of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart), but we do think the film has a chance to definitely get some other things right. Behold, our top 10 improvements on the book we hope to see in the movie:
1. No cable ties: In the first book, when Christian visits Ana at the hardware store and picks up some DIY bondage supplies, it’s implied — intentionally or not — that he’s hoping to use cable ties as wrist restraints on his next guest in his Red Room of Pain. Big mistake. HUGE! If used in such a way, cable ties could cause cuts, poor circulation, and a little thing called nerve damage. The only thing they should be used for in BDSM play is organizing all the cords of your various plug-in vibrators.
2. No explosive orgasms from Ben Wa balls. It’s just not realistic, at least not for the majority of women. Giving them the same power as, say, a vibrator just sets women up for yet another sexual expectation most can’t meet. Balls (like LELO’s Luna Beads) are better suited for working out your pelvic floor muscles and thus improving pelvic health, which can lead to better sexual sensations. But as little balls full of cosmic orgasm potential? Uh uh.
3. Give Ana some sexual experience. Just a smidge. We’re supposed to believe an adult woman who’s not a member of the FLDS can graduate college with absolutely no sexual interest, no experience with men, and no attempts at masturbation ever? It perpetuates the myth that women aren’t sexual creatures until the right man comes along. Please. She’s the virgin and he’s the stud, and they save each other — gross. And even if we were to believe that such a mythical woman could actually exist, it would be totally irresponsible — reprehensible even — to dunk her over her head into the world of BDSM.
4. Full disclosure on the slave contracts. Christian doesn’t ever clearly articulate to Ana that slave contracts are not actually legally binding — you know, thanks to Abraham Lincoln and that whole abolitionist movement. Here’s a kid, for all intents and purposes, who is not what you would call worldly or business savvy or lawyered up. Not cool for a romantic interest who’s supposedly falling in love.
5. Easy on the controlling, abusive, stalker-ish behavior. Christian spies on her and tries to control who she can see, where she works, what she eats — and she is not down with it. She’s afraid he’s going to hurt her; he causes her physical and emotional pain she doesn’t want — that’s not a D/s relationship, that’s abuse. And where’s the aftercare? Christian is a terrible top. The movie should make him a better one.
6. More well-adjusted kinky characters. It would be nice if the movie could add a character or two who’s into kink who isn’t royally fucked up. In the book, it’s Christian the controlling abusive boyfriend, his crazy gun-wielding ex sub, and his statutory rapist from when he was a kid. Not exactly the best advertisement for the kink community, the majority of whom are uber-responsible, law-abiding, stable citizens.
7. Drop Ana’s issues with eating. With Ana forgetting to eat all the time, not being hungry and being forced to eat by Christian, it’s like she’s got an eating disorder. Maybe EL James was just playing around with a woman’s ultimate fantasy of never being hungry, but it’s a distracting issue — let the girl have a healthy appetite.
8. Have Ana enjoy the kink more. She can be conflicted about it, sure, but she should ultimately love it, embrace it and not be so afraid of it.
9. Make the sole minority character less date rape-y. Jose, basically the one minority in the book, is on a clear path to sexual assault as he tries to take advantage of Ana when she’s super drunk outside the bar. He tries to kiss her even though she keeps saying no and trying to push him away. He continues to hold her in a bear hug and is about to commit a crime before Grey breaks it up. Criminal tendencies aren’t a great quality in a “really good friend.”
10. No Ana narration. We hope and pray the movie dispenses with Ana’s insipid internal dialogue. Please no voiceovers about the “ghost of a smile” on Christian’s face or her cartwheeling Inner Goddess.
For an awesome book about kink that should be made into a documentary movie, check out our award-winning “150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink” — now available as a Kindle E-book!
By Amanda Chatel via YourTango.com | photo via Flickr
Let your DNA do all the work for change while you just sit back and enjoy the benefits.
When it comes to chemistry, it’s all about DNA. As we’ve learned with microbes, what’s going on in the inside of our bodies has a direct effect on what’s going to go on with the rest of our life, too. While looks and wit may initially win you over in the dating department, that’s just superficial stuff. If there’s no chemistry, then you can’t expect it to last-no matter how much he may look like Idris Elba.
Enter: SingldOut-Yes, that’s right, no E in there, so as not to be confused with that MTV game show of the 90s. Singldout came to be when matchmaker, Elle France, met up with client, Jana Bayad, to discuss finding her a possible match. What the two women ended up discussing instead were the pitfalls of dating, the disappointment that comes with meeting someone in person who isn’t who they claimed to be online, and how there had to be another way to match people. Because, really, is online dating as good as it gets? I should hope not.
So the women went the route of science, several levels above your average online dating site that chains you to your computer with hour-long questionnaires and clothing catalogue type searches of one photo after another, to match people at their core, literally. Because, as France points out, when you have actual chemistry involved in the dating process, it makes for a “more enjoyable ride.”
As their site explains, they’re the “first in the online dating industry to bridge the gap between the digital and biological world of Love.” SingldOut really is the first site of its kind on the internet.
Those looking to give SingldOut a try sign up through LinkedIn (so you know you’re dealing with other professionals), then you’ll get your DNA kit in the mail. It works similarly to how a Secaucus DNA testing center would gather your DNA, once you swab your cheek to retrieve your saliva sample, you send it back to SingldOut. Next up, you’ll complete a personality assessment while scientists match you both genetically and psychologically to those who will actually be compatible in more ways than one.
Can you imagine the possibilities? And all the free time you’ll have by not wasting your precious minutes on dates with people who just aren’t for you? It’s like a world of opportunity has unfolded unto your lap and the fun is just getting started!
Elle France and Jana Bayad have certainly come up with something revolutionary. They took the good ol’ fashioned “sweaty t-shirt” experiment a couple steps further to really insure that you can weed out the wrong ones and get to the right one quicker and with less hassle. They’re also the only women out there in the online dating industry at the helm of a company, and, if we’re being honest, women are instinctively more nurturing by nature, so you know you’ll be in good hands.
“It’s everybody’s right to love,” Bayad told YourTango, and she couldn’t be more right. So if you can skip the disillusion and discouragement that comes with your usual brand of online dating, wouldn’t you? Let your DNA do all the work for change while you just sit back and enjoy the benefits. You deserve a break after all those past dating experiences.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How A DNA Test Can Lead You To Your Perfect Match
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The season premiere this week of “The Bachelor” got us thinking of nuptials, both solid and doomed. So we turned to Getty to see what a wedding search would yield, and we were barraged with a bunch of weird, wacky and, in some cases, downright wonderful wedding toppers.
This comment by reader Erica got lost in the holiday shuffle, but it’s worth going back for. She made it in response to our post, 10 Reasons Why Your “Ugly Vagina” Is Normal and Gorgeous. We feel really bad for her 12-year-old self and hate the culture that created her, but are so happy to hear she’s come so far and evolved so much on this topic:
I have large inner lips. My partner has a smaller than average penis. We have incredible sex. Anyone who will judge you based on what your genitals look like, be they male or female, is a shallow ignorant loser and is definitely not worth your time or affection. I used to be intensely insecure about my labia because of crap I read online. I even tried to cut them off with a razor blade when I was twelve and ended up needing stitches, not to mention a psychological evaluation. Society places standards on every inch of the female body. It is impossible to meet them all. It took years but I have learned to love and accept myself. Also, I have had a lot of sex with both male and female partners and not one of them has ever turned me down or insulted my pussy. When people make stupid jokes or comments, call them out on it. It sucks that we have to deal with all of these sexist attacks. Resist by loving yourself and being nice to other women. Also be nice to guys and dont be a hypocrite by making fun of smaller penises. Size really does not matter; cleanliness and technique, not to mention confidence and being a nice person, is all that really matters.
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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
So, I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend for around 4 months. Not long but we’ve fallen absolutely head over heels for each other.
He told me recently that he’s also attracted to men/’cock’.
He has kissed a couple of guys kind of as a joke whilst drunk at parties but never done anything more, sexually, with another guy. Yet he is certain he is bi.
I am not homophobic. Well, at least I don’t think I am. I’ve had plenty of gay friends and never had a problem with it/felt uneasy about it what so ever. Yet when my boyfriend told me he felt that way I instantly felt repulsed. If I think about it, the thought makes me feel ill and anxious. I’m not worried he will cheat, I just hate the thought of him feeling that way.
I know this is my problem/issue. I know it’s fantastic that he felt comfortable enough to tell me and that I shouldn’t feel this way. But… I do. I don’t know why. Any insight as to why I feel this way, and, most importantly, how to move past it?
— Bi Shy
Share your advice with Bi Shy in the comments section below.
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: What is a guy-friendly date?
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Seriously? Anything that doesn’t involve talking about feelings.
Straight Married Guy (Fred): If he’s into you, anything is a guy-friendly date. Okay, maybe not ballroom dancing for a football guy. But then again, with ballroom dancing, he gets to put his hands all over you, so that could still be good. Watching “Dancing With The Stars,” that would be unfriendly to guys (note to wife). To make a date really enjoyable for guys, food and sex is really all it takes, but let’s just focus on the entertainment portion of the evening. One of my favorite dates was driving mini-race cars. Another was going to Coney Island in NY. Another was when my car broke down and we had to wait for hours in the closest bar for the tow truck. I would guess sporting events would be an enjoyable date for most guys, but I’m not a sports guy so that wouldn’t work for me. I know a man who’s into vintage hot rods and floral arranging (I did not make that up), so it’s difficult to narrow in on what will please guys in general. Everyone’s different. But again, if he’s into you, you are the main attraction.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I’m tempted to say something macho like a football game or a Demolition Derby, but actually I’d rather do that kind of guy stuff with my guy friends. On a date, I want to get to know a girl but at the same time have a little fun, so a guy-friendly date would be something fairly brief (we don’t need a lot of time to figure out if we like someone), not too expensive (are we telling the truth here or what?), and of course the best dates are the ones that end up, well…between the sheets. (Hey, don’t blame me — guys are just made that way.)
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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish.To ask the guys your own question, click here.
It’s been a long, grueling wait, but last night we finally got our fix with the live season premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelor”! This season features “Prince Farming” and Bachelorette runner-up, Chris Soules — a guy who’s so deep in the Iowa boondocks, the closest Starbucks is over an hour away! Absolutely bone-chilling. But somehow, the producers were able to find not 20, not 25, but 30 brave women willing to marry him and move there, basically sight (and site) unseen. Let the dating mistakes begin, be made, and be learned from!:
@AkashaZarafshan! Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a brand new INA WAVE from LELO! The ultimate rabbit vibe for pleasure connoisseurs (with 10 vibration patterns & adjustable speeds) is now yours, thanks to your enthusiastic public display of resolving to love better in 2015!
It was a very close race between @AkashaZarafshan and @DavidWindmuller. And since we want everyone to make out in the end, like David said, we’ll be sending him a copy of our latest book, “150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink,” now available in ridiculously affordable e-book form!
Below are all the entries:
Akasha Zarafshan @AkashaZarafshan
David Windmuller @DavidWindmuller
For those of you who didn’t win/enter, you can still get yourself or someone you love a beautiful new INA WAVE to start off 2015 with a bang!
Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, in honor of the new year, your sexy ‘scopes are in resolution form:
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are wise to question your motives this week when it comes to love. Self-deception is likely. Whoever you are interested in will probably give you a false impression. Love triangles may cause problemos. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous post-holiday party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars can be so high and mighty — but that’s because they’re so far away. They see the big picture, they see what’s important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). Your New Year’s resolution: Be deeper than a kiddie pool.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: “Look for that person who will challenge your thoughts, change your world and blow your mind.” Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day? Well, Cancer, before you get all cocky like us, stop and think for a second: When was the last time you really went after someone you wanted bad, someone you thought you couldn’t get? Are you settling to avoid rejection? Do we sound like your shrink yet? Have you called your mother lately? Your New Year’s resolution: Shoot for the moon and maybe you’ll end up shagging a little star. And call your mother.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When we look at your week, Virgo, one phrase comes to mind: “Charming the pants off.” Turns out Santa didn’t put out this year — but you can make up for that in the new year. Your New Year’s resolution: Let it all flow — the booze, the compliments, the sweet talking. Just let it flow. And carry condoms everywhere.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be very popular this week — we’re talking Taylor Swift popular, the new iPhone popular, even “Frozen” popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every post-holiday party you’re invited to, as well as the ones you wish you were invited to. Your New Year’s resolution: Party like it’s 1999!
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When someone asks you “Are you single?” don’t say “Yes, I’m alone.” That’s having a bad attitude. Listening to the song “One Is the Loneliest Number” on repeat when you don’t have a companion for the new year isn’t helping either. You’re not alone, you’re number one! Your New Year’s resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your daisy-petal-picking technique for making important romantic decisions is getting old fast. Your wishy-washy behavior will turn the person you’ve been hanging out with running in the other direction. Your New Year’s resolution: Grow a spine.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll have more energy than a brand new puppy waiting for his walk. And you know how some people are dog people and others would rather piss on a fire hydrant in public than show a canine a little love? Well, the same goes for you: Your crotch-sniffing, drippy tongue act will be a little much for all the wrong people. But there’s one special person out there who’s going to just love it, and it’s gonna be just like that spaghetti scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Ain’t puppy love grand? Your New Year’s resolution: If you sense a kindred spirit in the room, go straight for the crotch. And stay off the furniture.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with “B” — yes, we’re that old.) Anyway, we’re talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. “Cuts Like a Knife,” that’s it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the woman in the video. But you don’t have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there’s any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. Your New Year’s resolution: Wait at least fifteen minutes after eating before you go swimming.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. We just got over the holidays — everyone’s too exhausted to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.
We hope you have a great New Year’s Eve, a very mild New Year’s Day hangover, and a nice long weekend off! We’ll be back with our regularly scheduled program on Monday. In the meantime, don’t forget to make your New Year’s Resolutions with the help of our kinky guide. A great way to help you fulfill those resolutions is to buy our book — now in Kindle e-book form! — 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Start 2015 off with a bang! More importantly, get prepped for the release of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” — it’s right around the corner!
Thanks for a great year on EMandLO.com!
People often say they love Mindy Kaling because she is “relatable,” but we’re going to avoid that word because we think it’s kind of a backhanded compliment. We can imagine the Underminer saying it. Like, the only reason you love Mindy Kaling is because she doesn’t make you feel bad about your muffin top or the fact that you drunk-dialed your ex last night. Then again, we suppose there are worse reasons to have an imaginary friendship with a celebrity.
We love Mindy Kaling because she is wicked funny and simultaneously self-deprecating while not being afraid of a little self-promotion. We love her because she’s her own freakin’ boss. We love her because she fantasizes about being the oldest sister in a Jane Austen novel, with Taylor Swift as the youngest sister. (We didn’t even know until she said it that it’s totally our fantasy, too.) We love her because she told Howard Stern that she can never say no when someone suggests shots. And we love her because she confessed her B.J. Novak crush on the Howard Stern show and then right after, she went on Twitter and was all like, “Um @bjnovak I talked a little about you on @HowardStern.” Who can’t, well, relate to that?
Fine! Fine. She’s relatable. But she’s also hilarious about life, alcohol, and the pursuit of the opposite sex. Here are our 35 favorite @MindyKaling tweets from 2014:
A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Kiss
Brush up on your midnight pucker up.
20 Naughty New Year’s Resolutions
Screw the gym membership.
What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Good wine. Good food. Good friends. And maybe a disco beat?
One More Time: What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Three more of our Wise Guys lay it out for you.
Your Sex-Related New Year’s Resolutions
More great ideas for the brand new year.
Is Your New Year’s Resolution to Be Single? Hello, D-Day!
January is the season for divorce, but don’t blame it on office holiday party nookie.
The Married Person’s Top 10 Resolutions
Make it like the first year, all over again.
New Year’s Kisses in NYC
Crazy Times Square pucker-uppers.
Top 10 Kinky New Year’s Resolutions
Which includes buying our book 150 SHADES OF PLAY, of course! (Now on sale for less than ten bucks so as not to conflict with your any budget-conscious resolutions! It’s even a handy E-book for less than 5 dollars!)
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We hope you’ll get to spend at least part of this week eating too much, drinking too much, and maybe even having post-t(of)urkey comfort sex (assuming you’re not sharing a bedroom with your nerdy eight-year-old cousin at an over-stuffed family reunion). We’ll be taking the rest of the week off, back for a bit next week, then off again for some serious New Year’s partaying. If you want to make our year — what’s left of it! — then you can buy our award-winning book 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink to keep you company while we’re gone: the beautiful fully illustrated print book is less than 10 bucks, and the new Kindle e-version let’s you flip from topic to topic with the touch of a finger from any page — for only $4.99! In the meantime, don’t forget to enter our #LoveResolution Contest for the chance to win a shiny new INA WAVE from LELO. You can count down to the holidays with our 12 Days of Kinkmas. And you can catch up on any holiday posts you might have missed at our Naughty and Nice Issue. Now… get thee to some mistletoe and make out like a teenager!
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We’re suckers for a good Twitter meme, even if they do make us feel like the clumsy kid who always gets picks last in gym class (i.e. when we contribute to a meme in what we consider to be a hilarious fashion, and are met with resounding Twitter silence). But like the clumsy kid in gym class in a John Hughes movie, we refuse to give up. Our favorite Twitter meme this week is #MakeAComedyScary. We happen to think that an unhealthy proportion of romantic comedies have a terrifying approach to love, dating, and sex, so this one is perfect for us! Below, you will find our top 25 romantic comedies turned very, very scary. Oh, and you if want to make us feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, you should go ahead and follow us on Twitter @EMandLO.
1. Harold & Maude 2: Love in a Morgue
2. It Happened One Night But Nobody Believed Her
3. Pretty Woman Doesn’t Know She Has Chlamydia
4. My Big Fat Gay Wedding (okay, so this one is only terrifying to Republicans)
5. The Porn Shop Around the Corner (ditto)
6. (500) Days of Zooey Deschanel
7. The 40-Year-Old Virgin Suicide
8. Pretty in Pink Because She’s Been Culturally Conditioned to Shun Blue
9. Four Weddings and Four Funerals, Then One More Wedding
10. When Harry Met Sally’s Expectations
11. How to Lose a Guy By Doing Everything Cosmopolitan Magazine Tells You To
12. 10 Things I Hate About Your Teddy Bear Collection
13. Breakfast at Bill Cosby’s
14. Bridget Jones’s Red Room of Pain
15. Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Safe Word
16. Knocked Up in a State with Restricted Access to Abortion
17. My Best Friend’s Shotgun Wedding to a Guy Who Thought She Was on the Pill
18. Love Actually Doesn’t Conquer Mismatched Libidos
19. Three Republican Men and a Fetus
20. Sleepless in Seattle 2: Crabs vs. Bedbugs
21. Some Like It in Furry Animal Costumes
22. The Princess Child Bride
23. Say Anything So Long As It’s About Me
24. Clueless About Sex Ed
25. 13 Going on 30: Unrated
