Dear Dr. Kate: How Can I Make Sex Less Painful?

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health.  She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.

Dr. Kate,

Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!

— In Pain

Dear In Pain,

No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.

You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.

The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.

There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.

Are any of you struggling with painful sex?

Dr. Kate

This post has been updated from the original.

Read more about possible causes of pain:
Dr. Kate’s Sexual Dysfunction Series


  1. Have been having sex with my former boy Frnd no complains.. Till I had sex with my present boy Frnd after the sex my tummy started hurt me down to my back I could not stand up right cause the pain was soo sever. He is will long and big

  2. I’m getting ready to go to my boyfriends house and have sex for the first time. I’m so scared that it will hurt or bleed or burn etc. What should I do to make myself less stressed?

  3. my boyfriend and i have been together for a year and sex does hurt now. it onlyy happens after a while i am wet we tried a warming lubercabt and thats what was hurt me. i burn when ever he is in me. how do i stop this from hurting?
    sarah powers 20 yes of age.

  4. Dear Dr. Kate,

    I’m typing this with my wife next to me. We usually spend a decent amount of time for foreplay (usually involving a finger or two). During that time there’s no pain. It’s not until after I enter her that she starts having unexplainable pain. Just last night she was almost at tears, so we stopped. She has gone through childbirth three years ago, but up until about six months ago there was no pain. She feels pretty lubed up when foreplay is done, but we can’t tell for sure. We plan to take your advice and try to see if additional lubricant would be helpful. It’s really putting a strain on her as she feels she can’t pleasure me (it’s disappointing sometimes but I love her for her). I know you’ve answered several like questions before, but anything further you can provide would be appreciated.


  5. i have a girlfriend that is 30 years old and she is a virgin. we are trying to have sex and she feels pain in her vigina. the first time i entered in and really did not go all the way in. i went in a 1/4 of the way and she had a little blood. then we continued to try sex again and she feels continuing pain. please tell me why is her pain continuing when we are trying to have sex? and if there is more blood to come because maybe she needs to have her insides to break through for little more blood so we can have full intercourse. please answer my question because i need help with this?

  6. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half and we have sex very regularly. To this day it still hurts, more after than during. Sex just isn’t enjoyable for me. When he puts it in it hurts right away, almost like I have a cut on the bottom of the vaginal opening. We have tried taking a break for about a month but it didn’t help. I am usually fully lubricated and aroused but that doesn’t seem to help either. It has gotten to the point that I am just having sex for him, not because I want it. I just want sex to be as enjoyable for me like it is for him. Every time it either feels like nothing or it hurts. We have tried using astroglide but it just burns and irritates my skin. And when we do have sex it always hurts like my left wall of my vagina, either during sex, after sex, or both. The pain after sex usually lasts for about two days. He’s not extremely big either, I would say that he is average. Can you please please help me. I feel like if sex doesn’t get better we are going to break it off. I can’t keep dealing with the pain and miserable sex. Sometimes I think that it’s him, so then I start to think about sex with other guys. But then again i’m not sure if it’s me. Please help!!!!!!!

  7. Few suggestions for you all having this issue…

    One of the biggest issues for this is not being properly stimulated before sex. It is very rightly said that you need a good amount of foreplay to get really aroused. Take it slow. Let your guys do enough of kissing, licking and teasing with your body first. Before he goes down on you, even if its for an oral, make sure you are wet enough down there.
    When you are ready, let your guy give you a nice oral. And only after you are completely “in the mood”, go all in. Let him go slow first. Try different position and see which fits best for you and your partner.

    With these tips, I hope you all will be able to enjoy your sex life again!

  8. hiya I have problems with sex I don’t no what it is but every sex parter I have it hurts I have been to the doctors about it and they said nothings wrong

  9. I don’t know why, but right at the beginning of sex, when my fiancée tries to enter me, it hurts and burns so bad that it is unbearable. It gets a little bit better as we go on, but there is still such pain. I also have problems having an orgasm like this. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I bleed occasionally during sex, and this thick, brownish red stuff comes out of me. Can you help tell me what is wrong?

  10. I’m 22 and just lost my virginity last August. I was born with a small vagina and had to have vaginal reconstruction. I had it done a bit later in life because of other health issues that needed taken care of. My boyfriend and I have been together a few months now and I’m not too quick to want to have sex. I almost feel it’s a chore. It hurts in certain positions and it just doesn’t feel good. I also can’t give my self an orgasm by stimulation. When I use my toy I can orgasm, but not on my own. I also definitely can’t get off with my boyfriend. The sex doesn’t feel good and oral isn’t great either. How can I fix my issues?

  11. So I’ve had sex about 7-8 times. Everytime I do it feels good, but hurts afterwards. I get swollen, and it hurts from about 1-2 days. I don’t honesty know why, but it makes me not want to have sex.

  12. Hello, i have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years, and right as he enters it kind of hurts a bit.. Even when i go to pap tests or pelvic exams they have a hell of a time getting it in because i tighten up and it hurts so bad even when im relaxed. I would like to know why it hurts so bad? I have never been pregnant, and only slept with 10 guys and im only 21 years old. Lost my virginity when i was 16 (raped).

  13. Dear Dr. Kate,
    So I’ve been with two different guys recently. One’s about 5 inches, and the other about 7. Though it doesn’t hurt to have sex with the man with the smaller penis, it does to have sex with the larger. Is there a reason for this? Is there any way I can make it less painful and more enjoyable for myself and him?

  14. dear dr.kate i have been with my boyfriend for 4 months now and we had a active sex life and i used to when we first started i could get on top and now its becoming very painful for me. my question is how do i still fulfill my boyfriends needs of me getting on top but still be less painful?

  15. Dear. Dr. Kate

    I would like to know if there is a surgical procedure women can get done in order to make their first time sex less painful? I would like to know if such a procedure exists.

    THank You

  16. Me and my bf have been together for 2years now, and we had only started having sex recently. The problem that we’re having is that it won’t insert properly and it causes me a lot of pain also. I was just wondering is their a correct way to insert it properly without any pain?

  17. hello, yes i have the same problem.. i need help also my current boyfriend that i lost it to is getting teased mad and upset, hes saying he never had problems like this we both think im mental and werid, cus it was my 1st time i was crying so hard it hurt me alot, and everytime we do it STILL noting same pain , somtimes even more pain then it was, please help if someone has somthing to say to me, i really want to make love and all that but the pain wont leavemy mind, and thats why im never having the good time or the OMG pleasure:(

  18. iam really very worried sex.though am interested i could not make it out.its alaraedy 8 months since we got married.1m 23.i did nt try foreplay even.am really tensed.it is hurting my husband a lot.so please suggest me some idea.help me out to overcome this problem.

  19. My girlfriend and I use lube and even going super slow doesn’t help. We have tried lube, vagina exercises, long breaks, sex toys, and even went to the gyno; still nothing.

  20. I have some what of the same problem as the other women. I’m 20 and have been active for a few years now. It hurt during my first time and years later it still hurts with soreness, burning, and sometime I feel no pain and no pleasure(it take a good 5minutes for entry alone). I feel my vagina is very sensitive because I experience pain even with a poke of a finger and during PAP’s and etc. most times I can get past the penetration and it’ll get better but I don’t experience the O-M-G feeling that I hear about so often. I’m convinced it’s a mental thing seeing as that’s where the stimulation occurs first. If so, how can I change my mind set?

  21. Me and my last boyfriend were together for 10 months and after he took my virginity i thought all of the pain was over. It burned really bad when it was happening and i couldnt sit on any hard chairs for a few days. When we broke up i hooked up with my best friend and he was a lot bigger than my boyfriend. He went really fast so i didnt really feel pain during the sex but i did after. I have had sex about 15 times. Why is it still hurting?

  22. My boyfriend and I are at a loss. Sex really hurts for me and sometimes foreplay does too. I’m what we call “damaged” for a good 2-3 days after we have sex. We can’t use lube because I’m very allergic to it. Just wanting some answers

  23. I’ve been having similar pain issues. However, I’ve found that no matter what I do I still seem to be real tight. I’ve found that I can only handle a regular size tampon not even the super kind because they hurt, how do I make myself a little bigger to accomidate. I’ve been dealing with the pain for my boyfriend and his pleasure but I’m not getting any pleasure from it and have gotten to where I hate it. I don’t know what to do. I tried lubricant and it still doesn’t work. My gyno said I still had a portion of my hymen still attached and that could cause the pain. She said I may need surgery to remove it but I was wanting to see what you thought before I agreed to surgery

  24. So my last boyfriend and I were together for about 4 months. When we had sex it was not terrible but it wasn’t…. Well, I’ve never had an orgasm. After about an hour it got really painful and I had to make him stop. And I would still hurt for about an hour after.
    With my current boyfriend, though, it still hurts, but I last a bit longer before I push him away. But it hurts for much longer after. He’s bigger than the last guy, so it wasn’t a dffference in size that made the actual sex more bearable but the after pain worse.

    My question is this: what are some reasons for the changes in discomfort?

  25. Dear Dr kate

    me and my girl friend want to have sex with out a condom but we are scared of her being pregnant, i can control my self i can not come in her i can do the pull out method but we are scared off the pre cum its that even if there is pre cum in the vagina the girl still be pregnant tell me how can i have sex with out making her pregnant and with out a condom there must be a way

  26. my bf want to sex with me….m 19 nd he s 25 ,,,once we tried it with protection but somehow pain dint allow me to ve more…what to do?

  27. OMG you guys make me feel like I’m not the only one and I thought I was. Sadly just got out of a relationship, and I’m not 100% sure why he dumped me, but I think it was related to the fact that after 6 months of amazing sex (mostly for me, he wasn’t coming at ALL- another reason he may have dumped me), I had a series of issues. I had 3 UTIs in a row, and then it’s been basically messed up since then. Last time I went to the doctor they found a yeast infection, no UTI. I got that treated and it switched. I was really trying hard to get treated, but with just access to Planned Parenthood and no insurance it was hard. Now I got insurance recently but I’m unmotivated because it just seems impossible. It sucks because I actually do like sex, and when we tried it it would feel good then bad. I would sometimes even come but it would still hurt.

  28. Ladies Ladies Ladies

    I have multiple orgasms when i have sex with my husband. He was not my first, not even close.

    However, sometimes it just doesnt work for like three weeks in a row and then we will have like months of it working.

    Sex is a spiritual, mental and physical act. So make sure that you are spiritually, mentally, and physically prepared. No ttired, stressed, cranky, full.

    It gets much much better you just have to practice.

    I have found that the deeper my connection with the guy the better the sex.

    So work on the cuddling, massaging, trusting, loving and it will happen naturally.

  29. I’m 22, I got married on the 27th of May, I was a virgin and he was not, and my husband and I have had sex 4 times. The first time we tried him on top, but I tightened out of fear and he couldn’t get in. Every time after that we’ve done me on top and I can get him in but its a slow process because of the pain. Sometimes he loses his hard on half way through. Once we get going its kind of a quiet ache that I can live with but I’m not getting any enjoyment out of it. We use foreplay and lube, he tests with his fingers to make sure I’m ready, and he’s very patient and loving but it still hurts. I’ve also never had an orgasm, either through intercourse, fingering, or oral. We’re still trying though and marriage is the end all be all for us so we’ll have to figure it out eventually but its super painful and I just want so badly for sex to be fun for the both of us not just a chore that we’re doing because we’re married.

  30. Im 19 just had sex for the first time with my lover. I dont know if I would even consider it sex because after maybe a min we had to stop. It hurt me andd he said it hurt him aswell. He said he felt like I was strangulating his penis. We tried it again and thesamethimg happend. Idk what to do

  31. i am 26 years old and recently get married.both of us are virgin.the problem is my orgasm occurs too fast but only for once.it doesnot happen again no matter how long we do foreplay.during penetration i feel pain even if i am wet enough.i use lubricant.why do i feel pain still that is making me frustrated.can anyone help me?plzzz

  32. So im 18 and I have been trying with my boyfriend for about two years now. Every time we have sex it kills me. But its just in the beginning. The pain is so unbearable that i cringe when he starts to enter me, even when i try and relax it feels like his penis is a knife that is ripping me apart. After a while it stops and we are able to enjoy it. We really want to have sex alot but sometimes i reject because i am too scared of the pain. He does not pressure me and we do it when i feel im okay with doing it… I have gone to the gyn doctor and of course heard that “there was nothing wrong” but i do not want to be this way forever, foreplay and lubricants do not help. I just need something to help us especially if we pursue in a longer relationship as in getting married and having children. If i cant have sex how am i supposed to have a child? Im so glad that i am not alone in this. although i know it sucks.
    please help! thanks

  33. Hi. I’m 21 years old. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. I lost my virginity to him just days before turning 20. When we first started having sex, I used to get wet a lot. Than after a while, when we would have sex I get really dry and so we have to use lube almost all the time. I’ve noticed it’s bothered him. He tells me that lube has not been a necessity with his past girlfriends. It kind of makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve been taking birth contol pills. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. A lot of times when I’m in doggy stile, he wants me arch my back till my butt is all the way up and it really hurts and bothers my bladder when he penetrates me. Sometimes i get wet for a little while and then i dry up quick, so then we have to use lube constantly. Please help!

  34. Hi. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. When we first started having sex, I used to get wet a lot. Than after a while, when we would have sex I get really dry and so we have to use lube almost all the time. I’ve noticed it’s bothered him. He tells me that lube has not been a necessity with his past girlfriends. It kind of makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve been taking birth contol pills. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. A lot of times when I’m in doggy stile, he wants me arch my back till my butt is all the way up and it really hurts and bothers my bladder when he penetrates me. Please help!

  35. Hello im 29yrold female that is really looking for answers during the begining of sex i tend to tighten up almost fighting him and those including foreplay its so painful getting started i have been trying to get pregnant but cant been told i have a small uteries and pelvic i want to learn methods why i am so tight and how to relax

  36. Sex used to be fun for me and comfortable. After I had my daughter, nothing has been the same since. My OBGYN also suggests lube and foreplay. This helps only a tiny bit, but before her suggestion, I had been using numbing agents to take my pain away and it probably wasn’t a great idea. I’m right there with you all, fearing sex instead of wanting it and facing divorce from my husband for my lack of desire for intercourse simply because of the pain. A pain he doesn’t understand or thinks of when he prepositions me. I’m so frustrated and on the verge of possibly being single forever if I’m to be divorced because of this stupid problem that I didn’t cause nor have any control over. All I can do is hope.

  37. Just go to the bathroom before you sex it up, to make sure. Then you have the knowledge that you WON’T pee so feeling like you have to pee doesn’t matter.
    It doesn’t matter simply because you won’t piss no matter how much you want too, because you already did.

    ha that’s logic not reasoning, making it so you can have a solid backing on what you are doing


    I have no clue otherwise. Ask ur mom. heh

  38. I just started havin sex.started last week.yesterday was my second time.its really pepery especially when my guy goes inside more,I feel asif I want to use the toilet or pee pls is that normal

  39. Thank God I’m not alone! I lost my virginity to my now ex-boyfriend about 7 or 8 months ago. We had been together almost a year at the time and I was so excited because I was finally ready to go all the way with him. We did quite a bit of foreplay and used a lubricated condom but it was very painful for me when he tried to enter me (he wasn’t very big, either girth or length-wise). The first couple of inches were actually okay, but after that it was just a sharp pain and when he attempted to thrust I couldn’t even handle it. Also, his penis kept popping out for some reason lol. We tried many different positions but with little success. I haven’t had sex since then, so I can’t really say whether or not things have changed but I’m assuming they haven’t. Again, it’s very comforting to see that so many other women are having the same difficulties.

  40. Hi I have and two kids already and since me and my husband started having sex it has also either burned inside the vaginal or it gets swollen and red I tried lubricant but lubricants make my entire vaginal area starts to burn as soon as I put it down there
    I really would love to know a way to make sex stop being painful I was told my ovaries were lower then most women but I highly doubt its because of that

  41. Me and my bestfriend decided to lose our virginity together on tuesday, I was expecting pain which I did get but if you stop because of the pain then you’ll never be able to do it. A lot of it for me was willpower and after a few minutes, it got really good quite fast. I don’t have any comparision like.I know its weird but sex isn’t the problem its blood? he popped my hymen I think cause I bled straight after a lot but now I’m still bleeding moderately is this normal? Thanks for any help 🙂

  42. Omg are we all on like the same boat becuase you girls are taking those words right out of my mouth. Sex really hurts and it hurts even more knowing that you have to allways say NO to your (BF)what is a girl to do

  43. ok so me and my bf(who is kinda big) have had sex and it hurts alot. We’ve tried everything nothings helping the only thing that feels relotly good is wen i’m on top and that’s only because I control it. Idk what to do anymore i don’t even wanna have sex this is horrible and i don’t understnd what’s going on. Someone give me some advise

  44. okay my boyfriend and i had sex for the first acouple days ago and it hurt me sobadly i told him to sotp. he was only in acouple inches and i feel soo bad. What do i do to make it not hurt as much, we used a condom also.

  45. i forgot my point : DONT HAVE SEX IF IT HURTS! you dont have to just to please your guy. figure out the cause first, or else you are going down a very painful spiral.

  46. when it comes to virgins and newbies its usually a matter of practice. i remember sex hurt for the first 10-20 times. give it some time. also, there is a difference between thinking that you are relaxed and actually being relaxed in a sexual context, often this is subconscious. i remember when i was 19 or so, i was sleeping with a guy who i was seeing at the time. deep down i didnt trust him, i wasnt relaxed with him but i still enjoyed the sex. eventually i developed vulvodynia, according to gynos. the boyfriend cheated and left. im pretty sure the whole thing was psychosomatic. the problem didnt disappear until years later, when i gave up on sex and forgot about the whole thing, and met someone nice. i still cant have too much sex, say several times in a row, the area is sensitive. but im healthy and after 10 years of sexual experience, i know what works for me. so take it easy girls.

  47. at the moment my ….private parts hurt and my boyfriend wants to have sex tonight i dont want to put him off but the other night it really hurt me all the way through i had to stop my self screaming in pain , thing is he has bout me a hair cut and style today and i think thats my way of paying him back so ……….. dont know what to do about it , it really hurt and it will tonight , it was my tampons that caused the sore ness , so what do i do ? he knew it was hurting the other night as he could see my face and he saw i started crying , i couldnt help the tears it hurt so much . its down to me having less money this month so i bout 1 pound tampons thats made me soar as hell . What do i do ?

  48. Hi this is my fisrt time of haveing sex I mean its been such a long time that it harts when me and my bf have sex its like I’m going through it all over agen so how can we make it so it dose not feel that way

  49. Jazmin – You didn’t specify whether it was your very first time having sex. If this is the case it is perfectly normal for it to hurt on the first time and the blood would be from the torn hymen. If it isn’t your first time you may have a condition called vaginismus. It is very common in young women like yourself. I had the condition myself when I was younger. You can get more information about this from your doctor. It is a psycholgical condition but results in pain during sex. It is curable so it’s nothing to worry too much about. If you have had this problem before then it is very likely it is vaginismus.

  50. Tiffany
    January 27th, 2012 at 12:39 am
    i think it is stress being stress does cause muscular tightness,is it with-or without a condom? because in rare cases people are allergic to latex or even a mans sperm,but i would say stress and hard feelings…relax and meditate or something

  51. Me and my BF just had sex for the first time the day before yesturday,we did lots of foreplay and stuff but it hurt alot,like after i bled,does that mean im totally incappaple to have sex?,he only got a inch in and i begged him to stop,ever sence ive been feeling crappy about it :/ im not old enough to go buy lube or anything,i get condoms at school soo what should i do?

  52. I am 19, practically 20, and my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. When we first started having sex, it was great every time just about. But for the past 3 to 4 months, sex is extremely painful. I didn’t get off for at least a month straight. I do get off from time to time, but it’s rare. I feel like I have to pee DURING intercourse a lot of the times, and other times, it just will never stop hurting! Initial penetration isn’t really where the pain starts. Its when we get more into it and I haven’t started to feel much pleasure when it begins to hurt more. And there have been times where I fell like I will orgasm but out of no where, the pain spikes up again and takes away my pleasure. Symptoms I have are frequent urination, and I’m talking like 6/7 times a day, all just little squirts here and there, then another like 10 minutes later. Cramping coming out of no where (not period cramps) abdominal pain/discomfort. Sonstant fatigue, tightening of the chest, and breast tenderness.There are more, but I can’t think of them off the top of my head. Could this be related to stress? I work full time at a job that has me working from 10 to 9 (with an extended break) and I go to school 2 to 3 days a week. I also have a brother who does nothing but play video games all day everyday while I have to bust my butt to pay the electricity and internet for my mom… Could it be because of stress and harbored hatred that I need to let go of? I do feel as though I may have endometrosis or a cyst. Because I know for a fact I am not pregnant and I always feel cramps and abdominal discomfort in between my periods. Please, someone help me gain some sanity back because this is driving me so crazy. It’s frustrating not to be able to make love to the one person you want to express your love to.

  53. I am 24 and have been with this guy for the past two years,at first we were enjoying sex well until late this year when it began to be painful..it has come to a point where i can’t even take him any longer,the thought of him on me makes me shiver but i wanna please him coz i love him so i won’t tell him.i suspect that maybe his dick is extra large for me please help me coz i think if he ever touches me again i will tear up

  54. i lost virginity quite late at 23 years old and was hell painful. now i am 28 and still is. and i try to get preggars and cannot. who know perhaps hassomething to do with it. my gyn. doc told me after i have a baby my vagina will get bigger and will be ok. but since i cannot even get pregant:D anyway i guess the easiest is try maybe strange but good position 4 U.for example as many we tried, the least painful was me laing on belly, just like when u sleep and he just lay on me. this is the only way that we can do it, althought cannot say would sort the problem by itself, at least it makes it not painful. use ur imagination when u r the most relaxed – for example when u sit and he simply has to find the way to get in -in that position

  55. the problem with most of u guys is that you are leaving a lot to fate. Sex to some women is painfull while to others it isnt. If u are among the ones to whom it feels lyk a fire burning in your crotch, it is upon to you to make it painless. Contrary to belief, making sex painless is not a difficult task. It just requires a lot of practice and dedication jus lyk everything else. Communication is key in sex. U have to tell your partner what it is exactly what you want and this isnt in the least easy if u dont even know what u want. U should explore your body fully before setting to have some slip himself into you. Im talking, of course, of masturbation. U should prepare the setting well. Dont just start begin to rub yourself straight away. Make sure you are severely aroused by either watching soft porn that involves a lot of kissing and touching(not the hard stuff that involves ramming coz it just turns you off),reading erotica,listening to soft music or even fantasizing about someone. The need to touch yourself will come naturally. To make it last longer, u should ignore the hunger in your crotch and proceed to touch other parts like nipples,armpits etc till you feel you are sure that you are wet. Proceed then to your pussy(use a lot of lube) and begin inserting your finger little by little. It might be painful but remember that the pain is what you are trying to beat. Continue to slowly advance with more and more fingers(ul find that the more you continue,the less painful it becomes). After yot have mastered fingering,proceed to dildoes and go through the same process. On doing this for a while,you can now proceed to take in a dick. The first time might still be a little painfull but if the pain is still there the second time,send me the foulest insults you can come up with at joemunuve@yahoo.com. If still you cannot take either a dick or a dildo no matter what you do,pay your gyno a visit. ( am a gynaecologist in training by the way)

  56. I was a virgin when I first met my boyfriend (he’s my first and last – we’re engaged!) I never knew what to expect for the first time. My boyfriend had plenty of girlfriends in the past and was experienced in this department. The first time he went rough and hard. It was so painful. We tried so many positions but I couldn’t bear it. Everything else in our lives was perfect but when it came to sex I couldn’t go on and he got frustrated.

    The second time he got me more aroused and then went in, but it was still painful. He’s very large and told me my opening was tiny compared to what he was used to in the past. So instead he used his fingers slowly making the opening bigger and I enjoyed that. It wasn’t painful. It as fun for me and he didn’t get sexually frustrated.

    The third time (recently) I was very aroused in the car (we were traveling) but by the time we made it to the hotel it seemed I just shut off. My boyfriend thinks its because I became nervous knowing that sex brings on pain and my sub conscience mind knows that. He wanted the lights on when I wanted them off. He said he couldn’t see. He tried to get me aroused we used lube. Nothing worked. I went from being a rain forest to a desert. I could not get aroused no matter how hard I tried. It was 2 months since the last time we had sex and I wanted to make him happy so we tried but the pain was unbearable so we stopped and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and just.. jumped me. The lights were off, I felt comfortable and he didn’t give me a chance to think. We used lube and he went right in. Initially everytime he pushed thru the opening it was painful and always will be I’m sure. But once he was in it felt good, sore but I enjoyed it for the first time. I could only handle one session but it was enough for my boyfriend. We’ve come to the conclusion it all rests on how comfortable I am with the current situation. It’s a slow process but we’re learning and taking it one step are a time. 🙂

  57. Why is being a girl so hard lol?!!? My boyfriend and myself have been together for a year and 2 months and we are both virgins. We’ve been messing around lately and we’ve tried having sex but it hurts so freakin’ bad, so we have to stop. :'( I feel like in a way that I am disappointing him.. Idk if my nerves down there are really sensitive or im not relaxed enough.. I just want to get it over with so we don’t have to go through this anymore..

  58. i have had sex only 3 times now. but i can’t seem to get a penis in all the way. & it hurts. i tried the other night with someone & i felt bad for making him stop.

  59. I am 14 and scared to death of my first time cause when we partake in foreplay my body tightens and tenses up and just last night we tried and when he tried to put it in me it wouldn’t go so we tried another 3 1/2 hours of foreplay and tried again and it still dont work and we tried today and i was hand cuffed to the bed (my choice) and when we tried again it was down right painful when he tried and i couldn’t do anything cause i was trying to picture it as pleasurable as possible and i heard him moan in pain and so i dont know what to do anymore we used lube he fingered for 45 minutes and we did foreplay and it still hurt the both of us and his is on the rather large side so someone please help i would be so great to not hurt myself and him trying to do what everyone else can do

  60. Hi, im really scared about having sex for the first time!….EVERYONE says it hurts…..and you may even bleed….i speak to my friends about it but they’re virgins too.
    Please Help me realx.

  61. my first time haveing sex was yesterday at first he fingered me and i felt very unconfortbal we done some foreplay and i put lube on we tryed many times to put it in, in the end he went on top and it was kinda pain kinda pleasure it kept falling out tho and it was alot easier when he you no what cause it made it more moist is this feeling gunna be everytime or was it just my first? help please

  62. ok so heres a pattern….were all women with one issue…painful sex and lusty but hopeful boyfriends..i’ve had sex twice now..and it hurts like hell..not completely unbearable but yeah damn painfull. i do it to please him and in hopes try to please myself in the process only to end up feelin torn. So the question is ….”What the hell do we do about it?”
    1. find new partners…lol not likely.
    2. more foreplay (obviously not working)
    3. try new positions. i actually like this idea. for those of you who are usually doing the missionary try something different. maybe it will feel different at another angle. ^-^
    4. relax a lil more. if your nervous or stressed out during the start of sex then it will most certainitly not feel very good. its because your clamping down. you need to ease up and relax. let your self smooth out.
    5. picture and object. Something that really turns you on. for me ( paul walker) just sexy lol so picture something that stimulates you. maybe picturing another guy isnt really awise idea tho ..wouldnt want you screamin his name while with your love.
    6. let your fantasies come alive. tell your partner what you fantasize about. like not a cheesy senario but a way you picture making love. maybe if you tell him you two could try it and it would help relax. 😀

    ok im just a 18 yr old girl but i have the same problem. as i realize im very inexperienced when it comes to sex i just thought to put some imaginative ideas out there. but if you have any other great ideas please let me know. . im sick of sex feeling like a punishment. nobody should dread sex.

    ~ sidda

  63. I have been having sex since I was 16, Im now 24. I ended up with HPV a few years ago and I went through a period that I was so dry down there I had to use lubrication all the time. Ever since I first got diagnosed with it it hurts to have sex with anybody. I is painful from start to finish and usually feels like they are trying to rip my insides out. It sucks because I do like sex but It is so painful I often forget to breathe while in the act.

  64. I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend the other night.
    I’m petite and he’s EXTREMELY girthy.
    It hurt like hell and I’m not sure what to do about it.

  65. Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have always loved and enjoyed having sex. After we had a baby sex got so painful and i have been to see a doctor and gyno they both said it will go away if we use lube. We use lots of lube for foreplay and sex, but it desnt help. My boyfriend knows how to turn me on during foreplay but as soon as he puts his penis in it really hurts and we have to stop. Sometimes we are both slowly trying to get it in and i try relaxing in every way possible, but it still doesnt work. I really need some help, anyone know what i can do?

  66. hello 🙂
    My name is Janis and the other day I had sex for first time with my BF…
    It was very Painful for me and it still hurts :S
    I guess I was stressed, and not feeling ready but anyway i would like somebody’s opinion. I can’t go tell my friends i feel so bad and freaky :S
    Pls Help!!!!!!!!!

  67. I want to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I’m sixteen and I know it will hurt but we’re planning to do a lot of foreplay before we have sex but we want to use a condom and I just want to know, do condoms make it hurt more or do they help make sex feel better?

  68. My boyfriend and I were both virgins and the first time didn’t hurt too much. But now the pain is just getting worse. I feel bad because I don’t want to have sex because of the pain but I know he really wants it. I can only get an inch of him in me before the pain is too much to handle and we have to stop. I just want to know what we can try. We have used lube and foreplay.


  70. I’ve already gone through the worst of the pain and it still hasn’t gone away. but like you MARIA me and my boyfriend were both virgins and inexperienced. I want to have sex all the time but when it comes to the point when he asks all i remember is the pain and i reject him. I feel crappy but I don’t know what to do.

  71. I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend (on and off) for 3 and a half years. We wanted to wait until we were completely ready and steady to have sex. Both of us, having “waited for love” to have sex arrived at this problem as virgins. Using lube, condoms, tons of foreplay, and even letting him go down on me before attempting penetration has not helped to take the pain away. My gyno says that I’m normal, and I know that we’re really really ready to have sex.

    I have a very small body for a 23 year-old, and my boyfriend has a really girthy penis. For some reason, I haven’t been able to take him in more than a couple inches, the pain is completely unbearable, and I find that my body resists him no matter how much I try to relax. He loves me, and pleases me in other ways, but our struggle is making our intimate time together more stressful than fun.

    Sure, this is a problem, but I find it to be an even bigger problem that so many women have posted similar complaints and questions on this thread (and elsewhere), and there seems to be no help in sight. Searching for help seems hopeless, because there is little advice besides “it really really really hurts, but you just have to bear it once, and it will get better.” Clearly the women who have posted here are continuously trying and the problem isn’t going away.

    Sex shouldn’t be a chore or a form of torture, and we shouldn’t be afraid of it, so why is this a problem for so many of us, and how can we solve it? It’s nice to know that I’m not alone, but women are posting on these threads because they’re looking for support and suggestions for a perfectly normal problem. Anybody have anything they want to share with the class?

  72. its been a year that i have been dating my boyfriend.n he thinks its time for us to have sex. i am afraid as both of us are virgins.reading all the articles above has got me wondering as to if i will hurt or not. please tell me if lubricated condoms will lessen the pain. i think we vil give me ample time of say, 30 mins of foreplay to be ready.. but still, what do i do? if i am going to worrying about the final moment of him entering me, how can i reduce my pain?how do i relax myself? and please also tell me if there is need to use lube with lubricated condoms?isnt it that more the lube, lesser friction and lesser pain it will cause? he has a normal sized penis.. about i think 6 to 6.5 inches..please help me.. i am very tensed..

  73. When my bf enters he’s penus I’m okay, but as soon as he starts moving he’s penus up further in, it feels as if I’m being rammed to deep it hurts, I mean I can handle the pain but there’s just no pleasure in it for me, I know I’m super horny and wet after four play & oral, we don’t need lube we use condoms, is there any easier position? Or anything that we can try to ease my pain would be healpfull, he’s a little but on the big side problably 8inches long & 3 inches thick..thanks

  74. hi, im 17 and still a virgin. my boyfriend is 19 and is still a virgin. we both want to have sex but i’m afraid because when we dry hump, by that i mean go through the same motions as sex with my panties on, it hurts so much. the first 2 times it felt amazing, i thought i was 100% ready for real sex. but the more we do it with my panties on the more it hurts. to the point now when even the next day it hurts. it didn’t used to but now its almost unbearable when he fingers me, like my area is swollen and closed up. he alwasy tells me im reeeally wet when he fingers me, but it hurts so bad. i try to pretend it doesnt hurt since were not even having sex, but he sees right through me and now is afraid to do anything that might hurt me. not everything he does hurts bad enough to outweigh the pleasure, but it does hurt. also i noticed a spot of blood in my panties after a long night together and i thought my cherry popped, but it still hurts, if not worse. what should i do, i understand sex may not be an option for a while, but how can we pretend without it hurting me.

  75. I’ve read through a few of these and it seems to be a similar problems as well as the questioner above. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now and have only had one partner before him in which only had sex with twice so both of them times werent great but im guessing thats just because it was my first time. Me and my boyfriend have stopped using condoms as i think i am allergic to them and i’ve gone onto the pill. However sex is still very painful. We try often but have never lasted longer than 5-10 minutes. He is very considerate and understands but obviously i would much rather sorting the problem so we can both enjoy ourselfs. Please help!

  76. Please help. I was reading through these and a lot sounds familiar! I went to the gyno to tell the doc about all the problems i have been having for a few years. when i have sex it doent matter if i use lube or not or even if we play around for forever or not it still hurts. we have tried several different positions and stuff. my problem is that it feels like someone has my overies(sp) in a vice grip. It really hurts. My bf is a medical student and can very clearly feel that he is not hitting my cervix.(which he has done before and did not hurt) When i told the gyno about this he checked me for endimitriosis(sp) which came back negative. I just dont get it and really gets to where sex is more of a chore than it is fun!!

  77. I’m not sure if I have the same problems… I just recently started having sex and it only hurts whe he first enters me.. After five to ten minutes it doesn’t hurt anymore. Is this just because I haven’t had sex much, or is it a medical problem?

  78. well i have this same problem my vag is dry i have had three kids cesection and im 23 years old i dont know why this is we use lub and evert thing it SUCKS and HURTS this amn is my husband so i love him and im attracted to him so some times i cant even get in the mood ok i hardley ever get in the mood why ??/ help

  79. I have been having discomfort/pain during sex off and on for the last eight months. I’ve been diagnosed with sensitive skin (so I’m careful with my soaps and laundry detergent), latex allergy (now use non latex condoms), yeast infections and bacterial infections (went on antibotics and treatment for both). Right now, I’m going to an acupuncturist which seems to really be helping.

    I’m also keeping a detailed diary of my symptoms, when they occur, if they are connected to sex or something else. I would recommend this for anyone seeking medical help. Make sure you find a doctor who is going to take the time to listen to you – and help them by being as prepared as possible.

    Besides drinking A LOT of water and focusing on a healthy lifestyle (both diet and trying to reduce stress) the thing that has helped me the most is my boyfriend. He has proved time and time again that sex is not a girl “duty”, I shouldn’t feel like a bad girlfriend just because I’m have some physical problems that I’m trying to treat. We have focused on non-penetrative sex and other ways to be intimacy which a little penetrative sex throw in to test the waters. I’m in control of the starting and stopping of that sex. This is a process and I believe that it will get better. Sex is a really important part of a relationship but it’s not the only part and you can’t let your problems define the rest of the relationship.

  80. After loosing my virginity, I thought that the pain of sex would eventually go away and become more pleasurable. Unfortunatly, every time since then has just been VERY painful for me, and I have to stop after a minute of sex or so. I’ve tried condoms, LOTS of lube, and LOTS of foreplay. I’ve even came once before intercourse, but it still hurts. What can I do?

  81. im 17 and my bf is 18 ill be 18 in two months we are engaged and as any other couple we have sex well try to were fine during the forplay but when he starts to penitrate it hurts him i use lube and im wet but hes complaining im to tight?? we mess around for a good 30 or 40 min but he still complains about tightness and the sex feels great for me but hes in pain and he wont really talk to me bout it i think its bc hes embaressed but idk how we are gonna work somthing out if he wont talk to me please help me

  82. My first time having sex was pretty painful i admit but i did foreplay before hand to loosen up a little bit and when my boyfriend started to penetrate me he went slow and when it started to go in he would stop rub it around and go a little farther and he would start to move in and out nice and slow even if he wasnt in me very much just to loosen it more and it helped alot when he moved in and out cuz it helped it go in my vagina more when he pushed farther in and when he was fully in he went slowly in and out to help me get used to it cuz going to fast before your used to it can hurt more. So go slow and try what i said it helped alot. I won’t say its gonna be pain free because that would be a lie but once you start doing it more you get used to it and it doesnt hurt when it goes in, it just feels tight.

  83. I am 20 years old and i’ve never had sex before,and i think im ready…i know my boyfriend is ready,but the only thing holding me back is the fear that it will really hurt…please give me a response on what to do

  84. I haven’t had sex in years, but when I was, it hurt a lot and the guy also the the feeling of hitting a brick wall when only about an inch in. I still have the pain and difficulty most of the time when I try to use a toy. But, I finally found out during a pelvic exam that I have a tilted cervix and that can cause those problems. Don’t know why the other docs never mentioned it. Make sure you are very very aroused and don’t forget to add more lube after you get started, those can both help.

  85. I recently married a virgin. I didn’t think we would have any significant problems with sex as long as we had plenty of foreplay, took it very slow, and used plenty of lube. But, sex hurts her tremendously every time. She keeps wanting to try because we know it’s got to get better, but I have a hard time staying in the mood when I know I’m hurting her. I’ve never gotten more than a few inches in, and the last few times we have tried have ended with me not being able to get in more than an inch before it became just too painful. She has been dealing with constipation, too, but it doesn’t seem like that fully explains her pain. She says her vagina doesn’t hurt before or after, so I don’t think it’s just soreness. But, as soon as we try any penetration, the pains starts up strong. I try to talk softly with her and get her to relax. She seems in the mood and says she badly wants to keep trying right away, but the last few times, she had felt tighter than ever. Could this possibly be a normal tight virgin adjusting to having sex for the first few weeks, or is this a sign of a true problem that is calling for a doctor’s appointment?

  86. Plus, worried, why is he CONTINUING to have sex with you, if he KNOWS it’s so painful, and just “apologizing?” A good man would accompany you to the doctor and not force you into sex, if it hurts. How are you two setting the stage for an equal and honest relationship, if he is having sex with you, knowing you are hurting badly, and you are ‘pretending’ it doesn’t hurt and seeing sex as something a woman “gives” a man?

    Please, something needs to be done, both your body and the relationship need help.

  87. worried, have you been to a competent GYN for a complete work up, and has he or she made absolute sure you DON’T have vaginismus? It isn’t something a lay person can diagnose for themselves.

    Don’t “Give it to him and pretend it doesn’t hurt.” HOW does that make your relationship honest and better? If it’s that painful (and it has NOTHING TO DO with “tightness” as if the vaginal muscles are working properly, even a new virgin will accommodate a large penis) something is wrong, and you need medical help.

    Please, don’t put up with it, stop looking at sex as something you “give” your man, (supposed to be a sharing activity, not one of only one person enjoying it, and the other making some kind of sacrifice) and please see a medical provider for help.

  88. I got married two months ago and experienced the same issue with him going in a few inches before pain. It helped me to have him rub my legs or another part of my body while we were having sex. He also would periodically remind me to relax, which helped as well. Lastly, I would recommend trying new positions to everyone with this problem. For us, it seemed like missionary was more difficult than other positions. We found a similar position that worked much better for us – alternate legs. Starting in missionary (initial penetration was easier here), but then have him move one of his legs over one of yours. Maybe it was just us, but it helped a lot! Also, go slow, and maybe ask him to do lots of small strokes back and forth to help loosen up.

    As for our problems, the entrance to my vagina often gets very sore during sex, sort of like a mild rug burn. We do use plenty of lubricant, so I don’t think that’s the issue. And it really doesn’t hurt anywhere else. It’s very frustrating and I would like to know if there’s anything I can do to help the situation. Thanks!

  89. me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and though i feel so ready and we have lots of forplay before sex its always uncomfortable for me.. he says it’s because i’m so tight.. but the pain is pressure not actual ripping or burning like the first time.. im scared somethings wrong with me but have no idea what to do about it.. please help!

  90. I dont have vaginismus and we always use lube,but it still hurts like crazy when we do it. He’s really big and I can feel him stretching me when he enters. Most times If I can put up with it for about ten minutes or so, the pain eases up a bit.But sometimes its just intolerable. It makes me feel terrible because he feels bad that he’s hurting me. The last time we did he was apologizing the whole time. He’s a bit older than me and has a bit more experience and he’s never had this problem with any other woman;So I know its me. I dunno what to do. Its really embarrassing because anything other than missionary is basically intolerable. I try to just give it to him and pretend it doesnt hurt but then I end up bleeding and sore for days. I’m lost….

  91. Fragola, your health is more important that what your parents think. If you are at least 18, You should be seeing the doctor for a PAP every year, even if you aren’t sexually active, anyway. WHY is it their business? If worse comes to worse, go to Planned Parenthood, and you pay what you can afford. No doctor can tell ANYONE, parents or not, why you go to see them or even that you went to the doc. It is actually illegal for doctors to reveal this information.

    I know my older girls didn’t want a “family doctor” for their pelvic exams (neither had any pain, but still they needed a PAP and Pelvic and eventually birth control) and wanted to take control of their own health, so they both went to Planned Parenthood, and I only knew because they CHOSE to tell me. If they had chose, I never would have known.

    Ladies, sex SHOULDN’T be this painful unless something isn’t right. Please see a well trained doctor or midwife to find out what it is. There is no reason to miss out on the beauty and ecstasy of sex, due to something fixable like vaginismus, an imperforate hymen, or adherent clitoris. Please, see a doctor who knows what he or she is doing so you can enjoy yourself.

    And NO doctor has ANY right to tell your parents a damn thing about why you saw them. Often bills can even be made vague enough so they can be read by parents who are still living in the dark ages and for some reason don’t think their adult children deserve medical care for their female organs.

  92. hey… me and my boyfriend of over a year tried to have sex for the first time yesterday. After barely a few inches he couldnt get it in farther. I was feeling too much pain; it was intense. I cant evenstand it when he finges me— it hurts too much. People are saying lube, and more foreply, and i’m starting to have hope… but at the same time it sounds like a lot of people are having the same problem and theres really nothing to help it. Im ready to give up my virginity to him, but…..i cant because of the pain. and honest to god it sucks.

  93. I too am having problems with sex. I must admit that on the odd occasion if I grit my teeth and bare the pain it sometimes gets better, but after a decent amount of time I feel as if I am almost “drying up” and I get a burning sensation during sex. But for the majority of the time, I have to stop my boyfriend as I simply cannot bare the pain, especially if we don’t have sex for a certain amount of time, eg during my period. Once we go back to having sex again I feel that we’ve landed back at square one and the pain is intense again. This is really frustrating me and my boyfriend, and I would very much like to go and see a doctor, however I am still relatively young (although I am legal! Don’t worry ;p!)and I still live with my parents, I don’t want to arouse any suspicion on their part by going to the doctors as tend to be very nosy, and I don’t think they’d be very understanding ! Anybody know any excersises or home remedies for my problem ;x!

  94. Becca, your doctor should have addressed the problem. As he has not bothered, you NEED a new doctor. I have never heard of ANYONE putting a hole in their vaginal wall from any kind of digital penetration. (I’m a nurse, not a doctor.) Nor have I heard of anyone “getting close” to doing so.

    You may have vaginismus, a tightening of the muscles of the vagina, which can be very painful. This needs to be addressed by an GYN MD or Nurse Practitioner.

    Hormonal birth control can cause vaginal dryness and yeast infections in some women, but not “holes” in the vaginal wall or the muscular tightening you are describing.

    As for penetration with a dildo on your own etc, WHY does your boyfriend have a say in this? It isn’t HIS vagina. One of the treatments for vaginismus is graduated pessaries, (or dildos, in the vernacular) to help the muscles relax and get used to penetration.

    You need to see a doctor who will listen to you. This isn’t normal and you shouldn’t be in pain during sex or any type of stimulation AND your doctor doesn’t seem to know what he is doing, IMO.

    Please see someone more dedicated and knowledgeable about the female body, as there is no reason to be in pain.

  95. I just stumbl;ed upon this site, and just wanted to note that I seem to be having problems very similar to those posted here- however, I’ve done some playing around with myself and experimenting.

    first of all- my situation: I started on nuva ring last august. (dont know if that was related, but its something to note, if it is) since then, i started a long-distance relationship and didnt have sex much- and because he didnt want me to, I didnt use any kind of dildo for penetration either. now- understand that although I could handle something reasonably large, if I had lots of lube, I was already tight to begin with, and I do kegels on a regular basis. so… I went some 6 1/2 months with very little penetration after the first coule of months when I had This complication:

    at first I would use my fingers for penetration and would sometimes dig the pads of my fingers pretty hard into my g-spot, which had my fingernails digging into the more delicate tissue right above the g-spot. after doing that one time, I looked down and noticed that my hand was covered in blood- and it was NOT menstrual blood. my doctor said that it was being all torn up (i did Not manage to tear an actual hole in my vaginal wall, But he said i was getting there) from the fingers and the constant irritation of the nuva ring. he had me take out the ring, wait two weeks for any kind of penetration, and then to put a new ring for the next month. and to not use my fingers any more I did as he said, and have not really had much penetration since then.

    since then: I have noticed that I have gotten tighter, and tighter- and sex has gotten more an more painful. at this point, I cannot take anything even resembling penis-sized into my vagina without an intense pain. and I should mention that in my poking around with myself, and trying to stretch myself out using my fingers, I have noticed that it is an intense pain in TWO areas, not just one: one of them is inside the vagina- the vaginal walls about a couple of inches in (and that’s about how far in a guy can get before I cringe and grit my teeth)- but the other, is in what’s left of my hymen- its like THAT has gotten tighter too- like, its pulled together and the hole has gotten smaller. when I have sex (no matter how wet or lubed up I am), I feel like I’m re-losing my virginity each time. I feel like I’m tearing, and I’m sore for a few days after… now, I’m a bit of a masochist so to a certain extent i like this pain… but the point is: its gotten bad enough that even as a masochist, I know that this isnt right- that something is wrong.

    I dont know what is causing the problem- if it is simply the lack of penetration for a while (and contracting hard when I cum from clit play), and I just got tighter again… or if I caused some damage and scar tissue is causing me to tighten. I dont know if the hormones from the BC could have done something, or if its the ring itself- just the object being there that’s causing me harm. hell, for all I know, there could be some kind of infection, and its simply some inflamed tissue between the vagina and rectum. i’m really at quite a loss.

    in the hopes that the nuvaring is the problem- or at least part of what’s making it worse- I have removed the ring and am looking into other methods of birth control. I hope that someone has some idea of what’s actaully going on- not just my hypotheses, and can help me figure out a way to reverse it.

    does anybody else recognize these symptoms? does anyone else have a story similar to mine? any clues as to what has happened? or what I can do?

    good luck to everyone- I hope you find your answers as much as I hope to find my own.

  96. What I’ve heard of from a cosmopolitan magazine (I think), is buy a dildo. Work on putting it in yourself every chance you can, and eventually you’ll get deeper and deeper without hurting yourself…this stretches the vagina – and remember lots of lube!

  97. Hi, i was reading these comments and i have the same things!!!! I tried to lose my virginity at an age when i wasnt ready and my boyfriend really pressured me into it, sinc he was older and it was very painful for me! Like excrutiating, but i know that i wasnt wet or at all in the mood for it and was so scared that time. However, ive been with a guy for over a year, am 18 now, and trying to lose it to this guy i love and am very sexually attracted to. However, after like 2 or 3 inches its sooo painful, also the lube weve used burns me and makes it worse. I will try lube without additives though. When he fingers me it can burn also and doesnt feel good unless its at the top with the clitoris. What can i do to help?

  98. Zack, you were probably hitting her cervix (that thing at the back of her vagina.) The cervix is the opening to the uterus, and although when very aroused many women find it pulls UP and OUT, when a woman nears orgasm it comes down to accept semen. Also, if she isn’t used to sex, pressure on her cervix can be VERY uncomfortable.

    You may want to get a good book about sex (Em and Lo have a bunch) or Our Bodies Ourselves (yeah, I’m old school) and look at some pictures of female anatomy so you can see where her stuff is.

    If she was a virgin, she might be uncomfortable at first. A good water based, non glycerin lube could really help, also, for the time being, less deep thrusting could help.

    Go slow and follow her cues, and as she gets more experienced at sex, things will get better. And IMO, there is little better to arouse any woman than a nice long oral sex session. For BOTH of you. 🙂

  99. Katie, be careful what is IN your lube. I didn’t even know this until recently (from the info I got with an order from Babeland.com) but many women get VERY sore from lubes with GLYCERIN, menthol, peppermint and other additives.

    I realized that a lot of my Urinary tract infections and yeast infections were from these additives.

    Both KY and Astroglyde make non glycerin, water based lubes, and although I have not tried then yet Babeland has several of their own lubes without these additives. If you use the Astroglyde, get the one with the GREEN cap, the purple cap has glycerin and other things in it. And although ID is a popular brand of lube, I haven’t been able to find one without the additives.

    Also, anything which promises to “tingle” or “warm” will probably also irritate you. So sensitive girls and boys need to stick to the less exotic lubes and go with plain KY or green cap Astroglyde. Or an other lube without menthol, peppermint, glycerin and other additives.

    Good luck.

  100. I had sex with my girlfreind for the first time. I am larger then al her previous partners. She was in immense pain. We were have foreplay for hours teasing each other.I want to make this better cause I really like her and she was crying cause of pain and cause we could not make love properly. I want her to enjoy it and be happy. I also noticed that when I was far inside I could feel something in the back? Please help me I want to have a long relationship with this girl and any advice would be VERY much apprecieated

  101. I’ve read through many of the comments because my girlfriend and I have had similar problems. One thing we have learned is that lube can make it worse. Light water-bases lubes don’t get as sticky as the wetness wears off and silicone lubes are the thickest and can be worse in wet locations. Some lubes can cause irritation, burning, and can detract from your natural wetness. For us it hurts going in but a little spit and forplay goes along way. Another thing is that if you’re a girl that masturbates and would be comfortable doing that with your partner before sex then try it. In our experience it helps her relax, makes her more wet, and makes the pain almost all go away. Hope this helps.

  102. I am currently having this problem and am looking for help because it is affecting my relationship. My first time has been with my current boyfriend of 4 months. We’ve had sex a few times and most of the times penetration hurts…We have plenty of foreplay and lubrication but I think it may be a mental thing. It’s not that I’m not attracted to my boyfriend but something in my mind stops me. Like a mental block. I want the both of us to be able to enjoy our sex life more without having to worry I’ll be in pain. What can we both do to make this better? I don’t want him to be scared of hurting me. Please Help!!!

  103. Hello I am also experiencing pain during sex. Me and my boyfriend have used lube before and my boyfriend says I’m really wet but it is still very painful when he first enters me. We haven’t been able to have sex for months because of this. I don’t want to be scared of sex anymore. Please help!

  104. So I also have plenty of foreplay before, and I’m “SUPER WET” as my boyfriend says, but it HURTS UNBEARINGLY with penetration. He tries his best to make it comfortable, but after 2-3 inches in, I’m in immense pain. One very sexual intercourse occasion this has been the problem, which explains why my sexual activity count is less than ten! I want to feel the pleasure of sex, so I can relate to this girls when we’re having GIRL TALK. PLEASE HELP!

  105. Dear Dr Kate,I met my fiance two months sex is awesome for me especially since he’s on the Large size,but he says he feels sorta like walls on inside when he’s in me he even has bruises .Could me having had a hysterectomy be one of the reasons or because Im not streathed out enough.Im 50 years and you wouldn’t think that would be the reason .please help us I enjoy our love making and I want it be good for both of us.

  106. Ok, I know this works for me,
    If you are dry, try drinking more water throughout the day. If you drink lots of coffee, tea etc. You aren’t actually hydrating yourself. Good hydration = good wetness, at least in my case.

  107. okay , so i was reading all of these comments and .. i have this problem. i have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months , and it still hurts like HELL . and after a while i dry up ? its not that im not attracted to him , he is sexy , and we rub around on each other , oral and everything before we start . i know it cant be im not into him , he is in the marines and is totally buff as can be , who dont like muscles? well anyways , i really hate this and i know he does too.. any suggestions ?

  108. I would hate for any of you to give up on sex – or even sex with your current guy. Katie, there are a variety of lubes out there (water-, oil- and silicone based), so consider trying another type…you can even spot-test it on yourself first to see how your vagina reacts, before you try it during sex.

    With regards to the cervix, yes, sometimes he can bump up against it…but it’s at the back of your vagina (so 4-6 inches in). If you’re feeling like he’s hitting a wall after only 2-3 inches of penetration, it’s not your cervix – it’s more likely the walls of your vagina tightening together (like a spasm). This may be vaginismus, or it may be that you’re not physically or mentally ready for sex in that moment. You can see with your gyno as well, for an exam and recommendations.

  109. I have the same problem as Dani, except lube does not work for me. In fact, it makes hurt more and makes it more irritated. No matter what I do I can’t seem to figure out how to fix this problem, and it’s gotten so frustrating that I”m about ready to give up on sex because I don’t know how to fix the problem. Any suggestions?

  110. So I’ve been reading these comments and they sound very familiar! This is what I’ve found: During foreplay, the cervix ascends to make room for the penetration of the penis it knows is on the way. The “wall” that you feel your SO hitting is the unascended cervix, either you haven’t given it enough time to get out of the way or its not moving properly. My suggestion is to continue foreplay, some women (me included) need 45 minutes to an hour of foreplay to really get things primed. Just try it, keep foreplaying until you think you are ready for penetration, then foreplay for 15 minutes longer, you’ll be suprised at the effect. Good luck ladies!

  111. It seems that a lot of girls are having the same problem I am.
    I can get my bf in a couple inches and then, bam, no more. The first couple times I was scared and realized that was the problem but recently we have been really, really ready to do the deed with tons of foreplay and it doesn’t help at all.

  112. I’m having the exact same problem as many of you here, and I havent found a solution. It really does feel literally like he’s hitting somthing inside me, and although i doubt it is bone (unless my knowledge of basic anatomy is very wrong) but thats what it feels like, literally that hard. Annnnyyy help would be greatly appreicated, as my boyfriend is very experienced and I know that HE knows it’s something with me, since he’s never had this before. Although he is on the large size, its really not helping our relationship and i can tell he’s getting frustrated, even though he’d never say it. If anyone can explain what might be going on and how to resolve it I’d really appreicate it 🙂

  113. My problem has started more recently. Every time my fiance and I have sex, I start to tear and after a few minutes, I can’t handle it anymore. I stay sore for a few days, sometimes a week, before I heal completely. He thinks it’s because of him or that I’m not attracted to him and that’s why I start to dry up during sex. I keep trying to tell him that it’s not, and it could possibly be from stress from college, but he doesn’t really believe me. We just bought some lube and we are going to try that the next time I go home to see him. Either way, it has been very discouraging.

  114. I have the same problem as Jenna. My boyfriend can only get about 2 or 3 inches in before the pain is too intense for me and we have to stop. it’s literally like somethings blocking it. we’ve tried lube but i don’t think that’s the real issue… we’ve decided to go to the doctor together about it because it’s really frustrating.

  115. well..i have this problem too… but what i suggest is to make yourself relax…no tense…get free all other problems in your mind (mind’s free)… just enjoy the excitement, adn explore… unless you’re not really into him, then how hard you tried, i would tell you, you wouldn’t enjoy your sex…

  116. I have these problems too, except I’m not exactly sure what to do. It seems like I can only fit in the first inch, then it is almost as though I he hits a brick wall. I haven’t been able to find anything that works, but maybe I should try more floor play. I feel bad for anyone else who has my problem; it is very discouraging.

  117. Presuming you’re going the safe route and using condoms, it may be that you’re experiencing latex sensitivity! There seem to be only 3 non-latex condom options available that are also able to protect against STDs; Durex Avanti, Lifestyles Skyn, and Trojan Supra (lambskins only keep out the sperm, not the cooties). Try switching to one of these and see if that helps.

  118. I have sensitive skin, to the point where I have to be really careful to use laundry detergent with no fragrance and watch every single product I use. A few months after my (now) husband and I started having sex I was in pain every time. We finally figured out I was having a reaction to the slight residue of soap on his skin. He switched to my soap and that fixed the problem.

  119. Um. This is kind of icky. Make sure you’ve poo’d recently. I have had very painful sex and then realized it was my, um, matter both pushing my vagina down so it was shorter and making it tighter. So…poop before you play.

  120. I have trouble with painful sex, too– on a regular basis. My situation sounds similar to the questioner here, but I’ve found a pleasant solution. The only way I can be (almost) sure not to hurt after a few minutes of intercourse is to have an orgasm before intercourse starts– many ways to that goal, of course.

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