Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
Hello im 29yrold female that is really looking for answers during the begining of sex i tend to tighten up almost fighting him and those including foreplay its so painful getting started i have been trying to get pregnant but cant been told i have a small uteries and pelvic i want to learn methods why i am so tight and how to relax
Sex used to be fun for me and comfortable. After I had my daughter, nothing has been the same since. My OBGYN also suggests lube and foreplay. This helps only a tiny bit, but before her suggestion, I had been using numbing agents to take my pain away and it probably wasn’t a great idea. I’m right there with you all, fearing sex instead of wanting it and facing divorce from my husband for my lack of desire for intercourse simply because of the pain. A pain he doesn’t understand or thinks of when he prepositions me. I’m so frustrated and on the verge of possibly being single forever if I’m to be divorced because of this stupid problem that I didn’t cause nor have any control over. All I can do is hope.
Just go to the bathroom before you sex it up, to make sure. Then you have the knowledge that you WON’T pee so feeling like you have to pee doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter simply because you won’t piss no matter how much you want too, because you already did.
ha that’s logic not reasoning, making it so you can have a solid backing on what you are doing
anywho
I have no clue otherwise. Ask ur mom. heh
I just started havin sex.started last week.yesterday was my second time.its really pepery especially when my guy goes inside more,I feel asif I want to use the toilet or pee pls is that normal
Thank God I’m not alone! I lost my virginity to my now ex-boyfriend about 7 or 8 months ago. We had been together almost a year at the time and I was so excited because I was finally ready to go all the way with him. We did quite a bit of foreplay and used a lubricated condom but it was very painful for me when he tried to enter me (he wasn’t very big, either girth or length-wise). The first couple of inches were actually okay, but after that it was just a sharp pain and when he attempted to thrust I couldn’t even handle it. Also, his penis kept popping out for some reason lol. We tried many different positions but with little success. I haven’t had sex since then, so I can’t really say whether or not things have changed but I’m assuming they haven’t. Again, it’s very comforting to see that so many other women are having the same difficulties.
Hi I have and two kids already and since me and my husband started having sex it has also either burned inside the vaginal or it gets swollen and red I tried lubricant but lubricants make my entire vaginal area starts to burn as soon as I put it down there
I really would love to know a way to make sex stop being painful I was told my ovaries were lower then most women but I highly doubt its because of that
Me and my bestfriend decided to lose our virginity together on tuesday, I was expecting pain which I did get but if you stop because of the pain then you’ll never be able to do it. A lot of it for me was willpower and after a few minutes, it got really good quite fast. I don’t have any comparision like.I know its weird but sex isn’t the problem its blood? he popped my hymen I think cause I bled straight after a lot but now I’m still bleeding moderately is this normal? Thanks for any help 🙂
Omg are we all on like the same boat becuase you girls are taking those words right out of my mouth. Sex really hurts and it hurts even more knowing that you have to allways say NO to your (BF)what is a girl to do
ok so me and my bf(who is kinda big) have had sex and it hurts alot. We’ve tried everything nothings helping the only thing that feels relotly good is wen i’m on top and that’s only because I control it. Idk what to do anymore i don’t even wanna have sex this is horrible and i don’t understnd what’s going on. Someone give me some advise
okay my boyfriend and i had sex for the first acouple days ago and it hurt me sobadly i told him to sotp. he was only in acouple inches and i feel soo bad. What do i do to make it not hurt as much, we used a condom also.
hi friend,
i want to less my sex how i can less it please help me
i forgot my point : DONT HAVE SEX IF IT HURTS! you dont have to just to please your guy. figure out the cause first, or else you are going down a very painful spiral.
when it comes to virgins and newbies its usually a matter of practice. i remember sex hurt for the first 10-20 times. give it some time. also, there is a difference between thinking that you are relaxed and actually being relaxed in a sexual context, often this is subconscious. i remember when i was 19 or so, i was sleeping with a guy who i was seeing at the time. deep down i didnt trust him, i wasnt relaxed with him but i still enjoyed the sex. eventually i developed vulvodynia, according to gynos. the boyfriend cheated and left. im pretty sure the whole thing was psychosomatic. the problem didnt disappear until years later, when i gave up on sex and forgot about the whole thing, and met someone nice. i still cant have too much sex, say several times in a row, the area is sensitive. but im healthy and after 10 years of sexual experience, i know what works for me. so take it easy girls.
http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-symptoms
at the moment my ….private parts hurt and my boyfriend wants to have sex tonight i dont want to put him off but the other night it really hurt me all the way through i had to stop my self screaming in pain , thing is he has bout me a hair cut and style today and i think thats my way of paying him back so ……….. dont know what to do about it , it really hurt and it will tonight , it was my tampons that caused the sore ness , so what do i do ? he knew it was hurting the other night as he could see my face and he saw i started crying , i couldnt help the tears it hurt so much . its down to me having less money this month so i bout 1 pound tampons thats made me soar as hell . What do i do ?