Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
I have some what of the same problem as the other women. I’m 20 and have been active for a few years now. It hurt during my first time and years later it still hurts with soreness, burning, and sometime I feel no pain and no pleasure(it take a good 5minutes for entry alone). I feel my vagina is very sensitive because I experience pain even with a poke of a finger and during PAP’s and etc. most times I can get past the penetration and it’ll get better but I don’t experience the O-M-G feeling that I hear about so often. I’m convinced it’s a mental thing seeing as that’s where the stimulation occurs first. If so, how can I change my mind set?
Me and my last boyfriend were together for 10 months and after he took my virginity i thought all of the pain was over. It burned really bad when it was happening and i couldnt sit on any hard chairs for a few days. When we broke up i hooked up with my best friend and he was a lot bigger than my boyfriend. He went really fast so i didnt really feel pain during the sex but i did after. I have had sex about 15 times. Why is it still hurting?
My boyfriend and I are at a loss. Sex really hurts for me and sometimes foreplay does too. I’m what we call “damaged” for a good 2-3 days after we have sex. We can’t use lube because I’m very allergic to it. Just wanting some answers
I’ve been having similar pain issues. However, I’ve found that no matter what I do I still seem to be real tight. I’ve found that I can only handle a regular size tampon not even the super kind because they hurt, how do I make myself a little bigger to accomidate. I’ve been dealing with the pain for my boyfriend and his pleasure but I’m not getting any pleasure from it and have gotten to where I hate it. I don’t know what to do. I tried lubricant and it still doesn’t work. My gyno said I still had a portion of my hymen still attached and that could cause the pain. She said I may need surgery to remove it but I was wanting to see what you thought before I agreed to surgery
So my last boyfriend and I were together for about 4 months. When we had sex it was not terrible but it wasn’t…. Well, I’ve never had an orgasm. After about an hour it got really painful and I had to make him stop. And I would still hurt for about an hour after.
With my current boyfriend, though, it still hurts, but I last a bit longer before I push him away. But it hurts for much longer after. He’s bigger than the last guy, so it wasn’t a dffference in size that made the actual sex more bearable but the after pain worse.
My question is this: what are some reasons for the changes in discomfort?
Dear Dr kate
me and my girl friend want to have sex with out a condom but we are scared of her being pregnant, i can control my self i can not come in her i can do the pull out method but we are scared off the pre cum its that even if there is pre cum in the vagina the girl still be pregnant tell me how can i have sex with out making her pregnant and with out a condom there must be a way
my bf want to sex with me….m 19 nd he s 25 ,,,once we tried it with protection but somehow pain dint allow me to ve more…what to do?
OMG you guys make me feel like I’m not the only one and I thought I was. Sadly just got out of a relationship, and I’m not 100% sure why he dumped me, but I think it was related to the fact that after 6 months of amazing sex (mostly for me, he wasn’t coming at ALL- another reason he may have dumped me), I had a series of issues. I had 3 UTIs in a row, and then it’s been basically messed up since then. Last time I went to the doctor they found a yeast infection, no UTI. I got that treated and it switched. I was really trying hard to get treated, but with just access to Planned Parenthood and no insurance it was hard. Now I got insurance recently but I’m unmotivated because it just seems impossible. It sucks because I actually do like sex, and when we tried it it would feel good then bad. I would sometimes even come but it would still hurt.
Ladies Ladies Ladies
I have multiple orgasms when i have sex with my husband. He was not my first, not even close.
However, sometimes it just doesnt work for like three weeks in a row and then we will have like months of it working.
Sex is a spiritual, mental and physical act. So make sure that you are spiritually, mentally, and physically prepared. No ttired, stressed, cranky, full.
It gets much much better you just have to practice.
I have found that the deeper my connection with the guy the better the sex.
So work on the cuddling, massaging, trusting, loving and it will happen naturally.
I’m 22, I got married on the 27th of May, I was a virgin and he was not, and my husband and I have had sex 4 times. The first time we tried him on top, but I tightened out of fear and he couldn’t get in. Every time after that we’ve done me on top and I can get him in but its a slow process because of the pain. Sometimes he loses his hard on half way through. Once we get going its kind of a quiet ache that I can live with but I’m not getting any enjoyment out of it. We use foreplay and lube, he tests with his fingers to make sure I’m ready, and he’s very patient and loving but it still hurts. I’ve also never had an orgasm, either through intercourse, fingering, or oral. We’re still trying though and marriage is the end all be all for us so we’ll have to figure it out eventually but its super painful and I just want so badly for sex to be fun for the both of us not just a chore that we’re doing because we’re married.
Im 19 just had sex for the first time with my lover. I dont know if I would even consider it sex because after maybe a min we had to stop. It hurt me andd he said it hurt him aswell. He said he felt like I was strangulating his penis. We tried it again and thesamethimg happend. Idk what to do
i am 26 years old and recently get married.both of us are virgin.the problem is my orgasm occurs too fast but only for once.it doesnot happen again no matter how long we do foreplay.during penetration i feel pain even if i am wet enough.i use lubricant.why do i feel pain still that is making me frustrated.can anyone help me?plzzz
So im 18 and I have been trying with my boyfriend for about two years now. Every time we have sex it kills me. But its just in the beginning. The pain is so unbearable that i cringe when he starts to enter me, even when i try and relax it feels like his penis is a knife that is ripping me apart. After a while it stops and we are able to enjoy it. We really want to have sex alot but sometimes i reject because i am too scared of the pain. He does not pressure me and we do it when i feel im okay with doing it… I have gone to the gyn doctor and of course heard that “there was nothing wrong” but i do not want to be this way forever, foreplay and lubricants do not help. I just need something to help us especially if we pursue in a longer relationship as in getting married and having children. If i cant have sex how am i supposed to have a child? Im so glad that i am not alone in this. although i know it sucks.
please help! thanks
Hi. I’m 21 years old. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. I lost my virginity to him just days before turning 20. When we first started having sex, I used to get wet a lot. Than after a while, when we would have sex I get really dry and so we have to use lube almost all the time. I’ve noticed it’s bothered him. He tells me that lube has not been a necessity with his past girlfriends. It kind of makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve been taking birth contol pills. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. A lot of times when I’m in doggy stile, he wants me arch my back till my butt is all the way up and it really hurts and bothers my bladder when he penetrates me. Sometimes i get wet for a little while and then i dry up quick, so then we have to use lube constantly. Please help!
Hi. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. When we first started having sex, I used to get wet a lot. Than after a while, when we would have sex I get really dry and so we have to use lube almost all the time. I’ve noticed it’s bothered him. He tells me that lube has not been a necessity with his past girlfriends. It kind of makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve been taking birth contol pills. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. A lot of times when I’m in doggy stile, he wants me arch my back till my butt is all the way up and it really hurts and bothers my bladder when he penetrates me. Please help!