We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!
I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.
He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.
After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.
What Should I Do?
So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me, I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.
I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.
Is This My Fault?
I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.
It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?
— Frustrated & Forlorn
What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.
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Go (alone) to a counselor and talk through with them about the best way to have this converation w your husband. Because while we can bolster your confidence about being in the right for requiring change from him, a Real Person is better equipped to help you develop the assertiveness you need.
That’s really what comes through to me: you know what you want, you know his behavior is selfish and unhealthy, you know it’s not good for you to be treated this way, and yet… Standing up for yourself is difficult for you to do. Understanding why this is, and fixing whatever’s causing that lack of assertiveness, is going to help you not just with this issue, but in your life generally.
You wanna know what I would do? Right when he’s about to come, if your strong enough push him off or try to roll away from him, and start fucking yourself hard, crazy and sexy, When he looks at you in shock, tell him “Sorry, bebe you just felt so good.” let’s see how he likes it!!
Tess,
Your first two paragraphs bring up an interesting point. But don’t you think that long term couples who first got together in high school – and who respect each other – get significantly better at sex during their relationship?
Let’s see… You have been together for 8 years and you are only 25… so you have been together since you were 16 years old. I am going to guess/hope that he was also a teenager when you got together. Is it possible that neither of you have much (or any) experience with anyone else? And even if he has slept with someone else, it was teenage sex which is almost universally dreadful in retrospect.
And if this pattern is all that he knows, then you can’t expect him to just get it. To him, all of a sudden the rules about sex have changed, and oh yea he is also now a HORRIBLE lover. Which has to ding a person’s self worth and likely he is too freaked out or embarrassed to learn to be better.
“I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it.” —This is what needs to change.
1) Do not tell him that he can ask for pointers. Instead, give him feedback while he is doing something. Examples: “Please touch me (here)” or “bite my (location)” or even “To the Left!” If he gets off track, then redirect him with another suggestion.
2) Why, oh why are your letting someone put his penis in you when you aren’t ready? This one is on you. You need to stop doing this. If he tries to slip it in, tell him “not yet” and mean it. Don’t give in to “I can’t wait any longer” and if he ignores you, tell him he is walking that fine rape line and he doesn’t get to ignore your “no” so he also doesn’t get to ignore your “not yet”.
3) Your husband needs to be retrained where sex is concerned because this isn’t working. You can talk all you want, but it is your actions that have any hope of changing things. And if he STILL doesn’t get it, then at least try couple’s therapy before cheating or divorce or even an open relationship.
Oh boy, like hannah said, this is very bad. I can picture the threat of violence, as well as him forcing himself on you.
If there’s a chance of repairing this, I’d say that conditions need to be set and then absolutely ENFORCED. He’s gotten used to 8 years of you voicing concerns and then disregarding them, without consequences. Don’t let him accuse you of being petty and selfish if you deny him sex. There are plenty of examples of people being immature and using sex as a bargaining chip – that is not the case here. His egregious behavior regarding sex is a huge turnoff, ’nuff said.
It might be necessary for the two of you to see a counselor. Perhaps if he doesn’t take you seriously, he might listen to the opinion of a (male)counselor.
If nothing gets through to him, I hope you gather the strength to leave him, for reasons others have already stated.
Oh, and BTW, please don’t cheat on him. Taking the high road will serve you much, much better. You deserve peace of mind for the time when someone actually does please every inch of you.
Yeah, if there was no child involved, I’d say DUMP HIM… I mean that is bad. Very seriously bad. And it’s not as if you haven’t tried to tell him. Most men would be mortified if someone told them they sucked in bed, and they’d make really sure they never did it again. But then again most men care way too much about making women orgasm. If he doesn’t care at all, well, then I wouldn’t even see the point of having sex with him at all.
But keep in mind that training people is just like training a puppy… You need to be 1) absolutely consistent and clear, 2) overflowing with praise for good behavior, and 3) you should never ever reward bad behavior. Never. Just think if you pulled a slot machine 100 times, and then on the 101st time, you won… well next time, you’d be willing to pull it 102 times. You can’t just get good behavior once or twice and then let him slip back into bad habits. Either you get the foreplay you need, or there is no sex. PERIOD!!! You don’t have to be mean, but just say, You know, I’m not really ready yet, but maybe if you tried X, Y, or Z for a while, I might be able to have intercourse after that.
Well.
This is kind of an instant-classic situation for risk-free polyamory isn’t it? You can tell him you love him a lot, you want to be with him forever, and you trust him so much that you think you should have an open relationship.
What makes it risk free is that a) you’re giving him permission to have other partners while you have other partners but b) given his, um, proclivities there’s exactly zero chance anyone will take him up on it. Or maybe more accurately, who will take up with him long enough for their relationship to threaten yours.
—
On a more serious note, I’m always reluctant to speak of hetero sex in terms of transactions or even one-for-one reciprocity because there’s already so much baggage about men having to “buy” sex and/or women “giving” men sex in exchange for something else. So I’m going to point out instead that there are still matters of maturity, concern for one’s partner, and plain old inconsideration. All of which your partner appears to be missing.
Since interpersonal shame doesn’t work (um, does shame one’s partner ever work? The way one wants?) I’d recommend trying on social shame.
Ask him if all his friends know about his problem? Suggest that you might start asking around for advice about his problem with premature ejaculation (conveniently definable as coming before you’re satisfied.) Tell him it’s ok if he’s really oriented towards people or things other than adult women but it would be nice to know because otherwise the way he jack-rabbits with you is tough on your self esteem.
Yeah, it’s risky, but the point is to move the problem off of you and put it on to him. Where it belongs. The point of the suggestions is to imply (probably correctly, by the way) that it’s not your problem he needs to worry about (since he doesn’t) but instead that you’re worried about his problem.
Good luck.
figleaf
Ben, it’s nice to know there are guys like you out there who enjoy giving women orgasms. My ex was a very selfish lover, very much like the letter writer’s husband, and I rarely orgasmed. Thanks for giving me hope, and good luck to the letter writer in having a more satisfying sex life.
Why are you agreeing to being penetrated when you’re not ready, as Xenia says? You should be able to say ‘not yet’, and ‘yes, I’m ready now’. If the problem is that he comes too quickly, he could jerk off before you have sex so that he’s ready to go again with you, and hopefully last longer. But if it’s just simple selfishness, why would you put up with it for 8 years?
If a guy has to be told what to do on a consistent basis and refuses to care to remember about your needs, it will be construed as nagging and he will be put off.
Your husband might need some counseling of some sought…And pliz don’t divorce him.Sit him down once more and talk about this.There is a solution to that and i believe he isn’t the only one experiencing that.What if you divorce him and the next man is even worse? Are you going to leave him as well?Then at the end of the day,how many men are you going to end up with? Don’t mes sup your life because of a single problem that you and your husband can solve..above all seek the face of God,make sure you pray about it..with God nothing is impossible.
It only takes a couple of bad sex partners to turn a woman a sexual. The only reason to marry a second time would be for money. Unless she is lucky enough to find a man who loves going down on women & doesnt just say it.
Here’s what you do next time he finishes early and lies bed not offering to help you out. Go grab a vibrator and finish yourself off in front of him. If he says anything, simply reply “hey someone’s got to finish the job.” Maybe he’ll man up and help you out or he’ll slink off like a POS. Either way you’ll know what you’re dealing with and you will be the one in charge.
There’s no better sight or feeling in the world than seeing a woman lying quivering on the bed, exhausted, unable to speak from a mind blowing orgasm.
My husband watches porn for that.
Your husband sounds like he’s being selfish and inconsiderate, and possibly much worse. I would echo Xenia’s comment in that if he doesn’t respect your sexual desires and needs, then I suspect that he may not respect and honor you in other areas as well. In short, his behavior is not consistent with what I would call a healthy and happy relationship.
If things don’t change and you are staying with him because of your child, I would point out that you are modeling behavior for your toddler and they will want to emulate what they see. If you stay in a dysfunctional relationship, they will learn from that. Plus, unhealthy relationships will hinder your ability to be present for and parent your toddler because too much energy is going to go towards trying to solve a potentially unsolvable problem. So, don’t stay in a bad relationship “for the kids.”
One option would be to see a reputable marriage counselor/therapist to explore why he acts the way he does. If your husband puts up resistance to exploring this issue (which it sounds like he already does, passively) or seeing someone to help the two of you figure this out, then you should stand your ground and tell him how important this is to you. That’s obviously much easier to say than to do, but it’s worth it. Don’t go down the road of not honoring yourself – it makes you miserable, and it doesn’t work anyway. If, despite that, he continues to refuse to try to solve this as a partner or talk with someone, then divorce may be the only reasonable option left.
If he is unwilling and/or unable to change, there are definitely kind, considerate men out there who would love to fulfill your desires and see them as equal to their own rather than acting as your husband has.
If it helps, I just got out of a very unhealthy marriage, and as frightening as that was, now that I’m on my own I am far happier and healthier (and a far better parent) than I would have been had I stayed. I have found that the fear of divorce is much worse than the process itself.
Good luck!
Sounds like you deserve better and if there was no child in the mix this would be a no-brainer (DMTFA). Remember that your bedroom is not a separate space to your relationship – if he lacks respect for your needs in the bedroom that means he lacks respect for you as a person in the relationship and that is not ok. Have a go at standing your ground as the other posters said for the sake of your child, but if he doesn’t change, it is up to you to sail on to greener shores. You’re still young and have not had a ton of experience, but let me tell you that there are men out there who will be willing to please you, and you would not be the only single mum on the planet either. And stop agreeing to being penetrated without foreplay, it is your body and you call the shots about when he sticks it!
Take controll of your pleasure. He will get plenty and actually more if you make the love session last. My husband always kisses me, always gives me as many orgasms as I want. It took me telling him what I want and yes there are plenty of other men willing to step up for me. You get what you want it is only up to you!!!!
It may be annoying to have to remind him, but stand your ground for more than a few times! If he isn’t willing to get you into it, don’t let him into it.