We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!
I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.
He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.
After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.
What Should I Do?
So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me, I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.
I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.
Is This My Fault?
I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.
It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?
— Frustrated & Forlorn
What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.
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I can understand that saying no is hard when being a giving person and from going so long without. He’s touching, giving some attention and one’s hold out hope. Yes, he’s being very selfish and lazy and he is disrespecting by taking but not giving. He know he wouldn’t like it if you did the same to him and you have told him this but he doesn’t care and he wont care unless he feel threatened but as soon as the threat passes he will go back to his selfish ways and then you have a choice of living with it or living without him. If it were me, I would tell him that you can’t go any longer living this way and that you need a divorce so that you can respectfully remarry someone that will respect your needs because cheating on him to meet your sexually needs is disrespectful to both you and him. Tell him that you and him love each other but you are not compatible File for divorce because unless he is under this threat he will not change a thing. If he cares he will repair the marriage to get you back but if he doesn’t then you will at least still be young enough to remarry a man that will be happy to please and respect your needs. This may sound harsh but again spending 8 years without is harsh. You’ve given him 8 years to change, you’ve talked to him till you are blue in the face and he flat out doesn’t care about the way he’s making you feel. Do this because this is the only way you can take charge and put him on the spot to save the marriage.
I had a boyfriend just like that. I just went on top the next couple of times. And right before he was gonna finish. I’d just get off him and go to sleep.
I’m so sorry to hear about this absolutely horrible matter in your realationship , I’m also experiencing the same problem , I’m not married but I do have a child involved and I say to myself everyday that if there wasn’t a child involved I’d be gone a long time ago . My boyfriend only has sex with me 5 times a month which makes this even more of a battle for me , I too often think about sleeping with some one else but I feel like I would be disrespecting my family by doing so , so I just get myself off but since we are going through the same thing I understand that , that is not ENOUGH you want the one who you love and care about to make you orgasm . My boyfriend is so selfish I’m lost and do not know what to do which is why I’m here, and only the ones who are in this situation knows what it’s like some is saying its not means to divorce or cheat but listen if your STUCK with a selfish lover for life it really starts to eat at the person you are it hurts and makes you feel very confused , just hang in there that’s what I’m trying to do but it’s really wearing on me….. It really is . I’m sorry I don’t have exact advice because its really up to him , then when and if he does do it you want it to be genuine not forced. Sorry for your struggle hope things get better, quickly !!!.
my husband and I have been married a year and together for 2 years. never have I believed he doesn’t love me 100 percent. he used to make me orgasm when we first got together. but for the past 8 months it has been non stop just him… I have gotten to the point I simply don’t want sex anymore.sad because I actually have a high sex drive. but he cums once no foreplay and inqm etc wanting. he has no reason for this lacking response.. “I thought you didn’t want to orgasm…….” even though each time it happens I complain. idk it leaves me depressed and hurt. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel like I deserve more. it got to the point he said, ” well I guess I will have to work on it more” which he never does. am I wrong to feel this should be something a man doesn’t need to work on? shouldn’t this be natural? I hope I am not being selfish. I just can’t bring myself to any sort of orgasm till he cums and when he beats me I am left wanting to cum but can’t at all… I guess I am ruined.
Im also goin thru the same thing,,,im 25 and have never had that nice feeling of sex or an orgasm,,my husband dsnt even care as long as he is good thats it,,,,im almost at a point of giving up and tell myself i will neva enjoy sex ever and it hurts,,,so you are not alone,,,,i would really want to have an orgasm but im scared if i confront him about my issue he will stop even having the bad sex with me:(
It’s so sad to know that here are so many women out there experiencing the same issues I am. I’ve been with my husband almost five years, married less than six months. Sex is very one sided and it’s obvious he doesn’t care if I reach orgasm. There is little foreplay if any, French kissing maybe a few times a year if I’m lucky and oral; well I can count on one hand how many times that has happened in five years….
I’m an attractive woman with a very healthy sex drive. At least once every day would be great if it was up to me, but that’s just not the case.
This is a very painful situation to be in. It makes you depressed, feel insecure, unwanted and unattractive. I just like one of the other women that commented, can literally use my vibrator right next to him in bed and he will roll over and snore. No interest whatsoever!
We are going go counseling to help us communicate better. Sex hasn’t come up yet, but I think next session I’m bringing this out in the open. I’ve tried to talk with him about it, but he’s always got an excuse. I say excuse because the most common thing I hear is ” Well, you just ruined it! I was really in the mood and planning on tonight, but you just had to say something. Forget it now”
I’m getting to the point where I’m getting bitter and angry and I’m not really good
at biting my tongue.
My advice is simple: Get out now. I was in a similar situation. Kept thinking things would change but they never did. He obviously had issues that prevented him from having sex with me. We had absolutely no intimacy, no affection and I cried too many nights. One night he even pushed me away so he could sleep. But I stayed because I had no support or anyone to turn to for help. After a feeble attempt at having sex a few years later I became pregnant. Of course after that it was too late to leave. 25 years later I am still with him because I didn’t have the strength to leave. Do it now while you are young, have no children, or before you buy a house. It will be much easier to walk away but you have to do it. Believe me when I say people don’t change. Your life will never get any better. I just spent the last 8 years (!!) with zero sex, no affection, no hugs, nothing. Find someone who wants to love you, it may take time but that person is out there. Don’t end up like me – miserable, fat and 50. I have no chance anymore and menopause is just around the corner so please don’t waste your life.
Wow.. the advice in most of these comments is horrible. Male here, married 14 years.
There needs to be a sit-down, face to face conversation about this. But, this does NOT need to happen during any kind of sexual situation. And it doesn’t need to be confrontational, you need to express how much you love and appreciate him and then throw in the the “but” and tell him exactly what you need and why.
I have a high sex drive, my wife doesn’t, and just in the last 5 years, she’s learned how to move/use her body so that she climaxes when we’re having sex. I make 90% of intercourse about making her cum.
I am experiencing the same thing with my husband of only 5 months but relationship for 3 years. It’s very frustrating.
Hi, My case is even worse than you, No oral sex whatsoever, and once he finishes it’s done, also he comes into me before even i am ready. And that too might happen say once a week or fortnight.
I have no idea what to do, we love each other a lot. Just this part leaves me angry and frustrated. We are both just 25, have been together for 5 years now and married for 8 months.
He is a man, and your husband. He is entitled to fuck you and other women till he climaxes. My husband doesn’t letme masturbate, as my body belongs to him.
I feel for you! Im in the exact same spot. Its heartbreaking! I have major depression, resentment, bitterness and anger because of it. And because I would never cheat, my husband just has to deal with it and its especially sad that he prefers to see me this way rather than just give me what I need. I guess we just have to deal with this for the rest of our lives! We made a vow! Good luck to you say your prayers!
I can’t say I’m an expert at anything, but I have been fortunate enough to have had some great lovers.For the record some of them had never had an orgasm or so they said and with me had not just one but several.I’ve always felt that it was a real mans responsibility to make love to his partner and nice guys finish last. If I were the lady we’re talking about I believe its past time to wake up her partner.She has at times but then lets him go right back to slam bam thank ya mam.Yes, I said lets him. He obviously knows what to do hes just too lazy.Tell him to shape up or ship out.If you’re not ion control of your lovemaking and he doesn’t at least acknowledge that then your bed partner is guilty of date rape.
Your post describes my marriage perfectly and I feel for you as I feel for my situation also. I am 27 and have been married for five years and my husband is also a very selfish lover. He sticks it in whenever he wants and never attempts to satisfy me.
I find some of the responses interesting but also obviously not from people in the same situation. The suggestion of finishing yourself of with a vibrator was a good suggestion when I first heard it, however made no difference. My husband sleeps next to me while I get myself off. Actually it was when I told him of my dissatisfaction in our sex life that he presented me with a whopping big vibrator to help me out (thanks babe right?)
I honestly can’t offer any advice because in my experience it doesn’t get better. The only reason I haven’t gotten my rocks off elsewhere is because I respect myself too much to go sleeping around.
I’m sorry were both going through this. It really sux.
Relationships ebb and flow. Thats just part of being in a committed relationship.
Divorce is NOT an option- and this issue is certainly not divorce worthy, as I’m sure u know.
Fantasizing about other people is normal, but clearly you want your man. Don’t stray…
Getting married changes a lot but having a child changes everything!!!
Sexually, I’m sure your husband still thinks twice before taking you.
The mother/newborn child leaves most men feeling like the 3rd wheel. You were the vessel securing his infants survival in the womb and if you breast fed- out of the womb too.
The dynamic has changed. You can fix it.
Noone likes to be shamed.
Maybe showing him what you want by taking the lead. Change up your lovemaking routine. Really learn the art of giving a great blow-job, incorporate some new foreplay techniques. Make him orgasm then if he falls asleep, allow him a cat nap then wake him up with another blow job. Im betting he will last longer!
If you go completely nympho on him be cognizant that he might get a bit overwhelmed/scared but with time I’m sure y’all wil come together in orgasmic bliss! The best thing I’ve incorporated into my marital bed has been cocoanut oil- it makes blow jobs and any kind of foreplay easier and much more enjoyable.