We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
I hate going down on guys. Always have. I gag, I choke, I think it tastes gross. My boyfriend likes receiving oral, of course, and I want to make him happy, but I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do — and do do — to get him (and myself) off. Am I being unreasonable? I wouldn’t ask him to do something he really didn’t want to do. And I can’t help but think, If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up? (Btw, I enjoy receiving cunnilingus, but it’s not a deal breaker — I can take it or leave it. My boyfriend says he enjoys giving it to me, so that only adds tit-for-tat pressure!)
— That Blows
What should TB do?
No human being(regardless of their gender) should be forced to do a sex act that they are against doing. No matter their reason for being against it. Trying to guilt trip her with things like he’ll cheat if you don’t or he’ll break up with you is called coercing.
I also noticed a telling and sad commentary with most of the comments. In order for her to *compromise* she must ultimately do what her boyfriend wants. The man. How exactly, and by whose definition, is that compromise? Its the same old same old story. If a women truly doesn’t want to do something and her boyfriend, or husband, does his way is the default *right way* Where is the compromise again?
Also most of these comments keep saying give him what he wants etc or he will potentially resent you. No one seems to care about her resentment though. Since she’s female she should give into the male always. No compromise. Just his way 110%.
The natural act of vaginal sex should be more than enough for any normal couple. If you want to spice it up do some acts out of kama sutra,but anytime oral( or anal) becomes all consuming over the normal way there is something wrong in my opinion.
If she says yes to this sex act(even though she’s against it,but of course no one seems to care about that) out of coercing then when does it end? What if he came up and said if you loved me you will do this threesome.Or if you loved me you would put on this stripperiffic outfit or have an open relationship. Or if you loved me you will get this abortion or jump off this bridge. When can NO come in guys? Also when can respect join the party to?
Also just because a morally bankrupt and sex crazed society says oral( and anal) are normal acts of sex, and thus she must do it, don’t make it so. Vaginal sex is the only normal sex act both biologically and biblically. Both were made to fit perfectly with each other because of the ultimate goal of procreation. Any other sex act is all society’s doing.
No one should be made to feel like they are doing something wrong because they don’t want to put something a person urinates out of into their mouth, and don’t even get me started on ejaculating in the mouth. This goes for men who don’t want to that particular act to a women as well. The reproductive organs, as well as the mouth, are the most bacterial infested organs on the human body,and let’s not get started on potential std’s.
Any man or women who would break up or cheat(in a long line of their *you made me cheat* excuses of course) with their significant other over oral is grade a asshole in the first place and is not worth any decent person’s time. Let me tell you a hard and true fact love is a very powerful emotion and no man, or women, is going to hit the road over society’s sex act if they are in love. Of course I’m talking about actual men(and women) and not little selfish boys(and girls) in adult bodies who’s idea of sex is what porn stars do. Sorry guys if ‘my way or the highway’ instant gratification is what you want then I suggest you become a porn star yourself. I hear they are always hiring. Leave the men and women who actually care about being in love, and would not leave or cheat on the person who’s the object of that strong emotion, for the rest of us.Although a sex-mad society would have you think otherwise sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. Nor should it be. It can be a part of it, but it should never become all consuming.
TC don’t ever do a sex act that you are not 110% comfortable in doing. There are people out there who don’t like oral if your boyfriend can’t respect your stance on this to the point he would cheat on you.However, if he’s doing you and you don’t don’t want to do him, as you have said, then you need to tell him to stop doing you.Either both get oral or neither gets it, and they both have to want to do it if it’s the former.
BUY GOOD HEAD SOLD IN ADULT STORES…AND CHANGE YOUR POSITION TO LAYING FLAT ON YOUR BACK WITH YOUR NECK SLIGHTLY OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED…BOTH WILL HELP WITH WITH THE GAG REFLEX…YOU WILL NOT THROW UP AND YOUR GUY WILL BE TURNED ON BY BEING ABLE TO WATCH!! HAVE FUN
i think annie is just telling her the most no nonsense advice though. but it doesnt mean that she is right all the way. i think that there are women who dont like “giving” and it does not look like the guy, from her story is giving her pressure. she is confused and torn between giving pleasure without making herself feel “gross” or something. However, from someone who used to dislike giving oral sex, it becomes a thing a woman gets used to (my culture is kinda grossed out by BJ– the old school ones) but it needs a certain man for the job to understand you wants, needs, dislikes, etc. compromise is a must. however, if you really feel like going down to make him happy, then follow the above suggestions to see if it will change. if not, then i think that its just personality, and personalities are hard to change, and you shouldnt just because of one guy. i think annie is right about one thing when it comes to dating: dont go be “easy” and give away blow jobs on the first or second dates like candy. i personally told my now steady bf that i do give bjs but he has to wait. and he always said that its personally worth it. 🙂
Rachel, I love you. Took the words from my mouth. Nobody should ever have to do anything they hate in a relationship. It’s most likely not psychological. I don’t like giving blow jobs because I don’t want a penis in my mouth, simple as that. Do I do it occasionally anyway? Yeah, but I wouldn’t if it wasn’t so good for my partner.
Are you being unreasonable? No freaking way.
I cannot believe other commenters (*cough*ANNIE*cough*) are saying that no matter how horrible going down on your boyfriend is for you, you must keep doing it because it “comes standard” (which it absolutely does not). No one has to do anything they don’t want to do, and you aren’t simply saying “I don’t feel like it,” you’re having a physical reaction to it. The suggestions about diet and hygiene are helpful and they should make going down easier for you, but in my opinion you should be able to say “I’m not going to do that” and leave it at that. Otherwise he is basically forcing himself on you. Not cool.
I think someone already said this, but what about a “lite” BJ? Like, just the tip in your mouth while the hand does the rest of the work? Or licking and kissing without putting it all the way in?
Also, the shower & diet advice that everyone gave is on point.
And believe it or not (as I learned on this site) there are actually guys – seriously, for real, no-kidding – who dislike BJ’s. You could keep searching till you find one of those. Cause no BJ-loving guy is gonna go forever without one, no matter how much he loves you.
I’d jump into the bandwagon that you both work together to make oral less terrible for you, whether that involves changes in hygiene or sticking a vibrator in your panties while you’re going down on him. It comes standard. If you really want to never have to give a blowjob, you’re going to need to find someone who just plain doesn’t like them, and it sounds like this guy isn’t the one. Do you love him enough to put up with the blowjobs? Then give him blowjobs.
That being said, I once didn’t really care for blowjobs and now they turn me on like crazy. What happened? As a teen, I dated a premature-ejaculator with a short refractory period. So if I wanted to have sex for 5 minutes instead of 1, I had to give him a blowjob first and then wait 5 minutes for his erection to come back. The fact that I HAD to do it kind of ruined all the fun. Now, I do it because it makes me happy, but I don’t have to do it every time I want to have sex. With this experience in mind, I would say that you should do your best to give blowjobs SOMETIMES as a special treat, but he should not DEMAND them or expect them several times a week or anything. Telling him that he’s never going to get another blowjob is a dump-able offense, but giving it a willing attempt once a month is not too much to ask.
You didn’t tell him that going down on him makes you throw up, did you? Because I would immediately dump any partner who said that my genitals make him/her puke. Just sayin’. If it’s a gag-reflex thing, I’ve discovered that it’s all in my head. If I think I’m going to gag, then I will. Practice by brushing the back of your tongue when you brush your teeth, put on a positive attitude, and it will get better.
I’m going out on a limb here and say “No” you are not being unreasonable. Yes, oral (on both sides) is considered normal these days, but the word that makes me go against the pack is “pressure.”
Pressure makes sex bad. Doesn’t matter what kind of sex, if one member is being pressured into it, it’s going to be bad sex. And the step from pressure to force is not long.
Yes, bf may very well decide to leave TB if she doesn’t go down on him. But WTF, why should she stay if he’s ignoring her discomfort? (Hey, baby, you done pukin’? Wanna go some more?)
As far as the choking/gagging/puking, why are the previous posters schooling TB, assuming she’s doing something wrong? Is it just possible that bf is one of those sadists who enjoys grabbing a woman behind the head and forcing his dick down her throat? I’m not saying he must be, but let’s not assume out of the chute the woman is the one in the wrong. It’s one thing to learn new skills to a satisfying love life. It’s another to be dragged into doing something you didn’t want to do in the first place.
Yes, there’s ways to improve the taste, but the onus is on him to do them. Does he bathe regularly? Is he willing to clean up just before? Is he willing to change his diet or recreation habits, i.e. give up alcohol, tobacco, spicy foods, 420 if he indulges? If not, she has little recourse.
And, it may be TB just doesn’t like the taste. *Everyone* is different – as foreign as it is to me, there are people who don’t like chocolate – they don’t like it, they won’t eat it, wouldn’t put it in their mouths if it was the last food on earth. *And they shouldn’t have to*, especially not because their “loved” one (who, if they truly loved them wouldn’t ask for it) wants them to.
Just because other people enjoy fellatio, or have learned to tolerate it (I wouldn’t want sex with someone who was “tolerating” what I like, but that’s me) doesn’t mean she should.
There *are* guys out there who do not like BJs. The last guy I was with didn’t like them/didn’t come from them. I love going down on guys, and wanted him to like them. But would anyone here have said I should have insisted that he have laid back and “taken it like a man” and learned techniques to blow his wad from them for me? 😉
My particular advice: Get off this ride now. Find a man who appreciates what you bring to the table.
It sounds like everyone has given some great advice here. I just wanted to put my two cents in and say that I don’t love going down either but my b.f loves it and I love him.
You can give him a blowjob without letting him cum in your mouth. You don’t have to deep throat it. You can reach a compromise where he is getting some head but you are not crossing your boundaries. When you get used to giving him the watered down version of head, maybe it will stop seeming like such a gross chore. Just don’t push yourself to far to fast (no pun intended) and try to learn to tolerate it in baby steps.
The other comments are exactly right. It’s not an all or nothing thing and what you need to do is find a way to make them more palatable for you. For me, what works well is to integrate my hands into the action. That gives me a chance to take a breath or allows me to keep it from going too far back in my throat. Honestly, I didn’t like bjs the first time I did it, but now I love it. A lot of it is just learning about the other persons body and getting comfortable with performing. This is all hugely empowering and really raises the intimacy in the relationship. So don’t give it up all together, but definitely try some different things until you find something that works for you.
I think everyone here is being a little ridiculous. Bjs are not the end all be all of sex acts and as long as you’re both getting off you have a better sex life than most people. I’m not a huge fan of giving bjs myself but I don’t have quite the same distain you seem to. I would suggest first talking to him about it. If he wants to break up or is overly upset he probably isn’t the sort of person you want to be with any way. The other thing I suggest is to try to make it a special occasion sort of deal. Birthday, holidays, etc. That way you don’t have to do it as often, he still gets them from time to time, and they’re all the more special and exciting. If you only have to suffer through them occasionally it won’t cause as much resentment and should keep him happy. Plus most guys you ask will always pick the old p in the v-jay over bjs if they could only ever have one or the other.
TB-
I understand your complaints of taste and gagging. Though neither of this is personally an issue for me, I have many friends who are simply very sensitive and struggle more with the task than others. I don’t think your distaste for the act means that you are any less adventurous, but simply that you may be more sensitive.
That said, while I don’t think you should force yourself to perform an act you absolutely hate, I think that there are ways you can alter the activity so that it becomes more enjoyable for you. I agree with the other commentors that flat out refusing to go down could harm your relationship, and want to offer a few alternatives. After all, relationships require compromise.
To deal with taste, think of blow jobs as an appetizer rather than the main course. There is no reason you need to be gagging on his taste if it is repulsive to you. Unless your boyfriend, for some psychological reasons, needs to finish in your mouth, you could always get him close yet let him finish elsewhere on your body. I know many men who actually prefer the visual effects, and would be more than willing to strike a compromise. If you are really squeamish about getting dirty, then try using blowjobs as a warm up, before switching to some p and v action.
To deal with the gagging, stop thinking that oral means deep throating and consider all of the other options. Talk to your boyfriend- the tip is the most sensitive part of the penis and I’m sure he’d appreciate even some shallow lip action and a few flicks of your tongue. In order to simulate deeper action, use your hand in conjunction with your mouth to stimulate his entire package. This will still give him the sensation of your mouth and the psychological pleasure of watching you pleasure him, while saving you from any reason to gag.
Hope this helps, and good luck!
Agree with Annie that you need to work out exactly why you don’t like it. If it’s the choking/uncomfortable jaw stuff, go with kissing and licking the shaft and then sucking and licking the tip while you use your (well lubricated) hand on the rest of him. And if you don’t want to swallow, don’t swallow – either hold the spunk in your mouth and spit it out, or disengage as soon as he comes and let it spill all over him – he probably will cope.
If that all works, you could gradually work up to more ambitious blowing, or you could keep it at that level. But if you really can’t face even that, maybe you should ask yourself why you don’t like getting so close to cocks.
You certainly don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But your boyfriend doesn’t have any obligation to stay with you, either. Oral is pretty standard fare these days, and there aren’t many men who will just “take it or leave it.” Besides, while I’m assuming you’re young now, after a while there will be more need for sexual variety as good ol’ PIV sex gets routine.
You can work on your gag reflex when he’s not around – practice by yourself with a banana or another safe phallic object. Less pressure to perform, more ability to explore your own reactions.
But while you’re well within your rights, I’d advise against being the girl who doesn’t go down – it’ll make you undateable to a significant portion of the population. Instead take some time to understand which of the details bothers you and tailor your technique accordingly…
Good luck!
One note – you say “it tastes gross” – you do have the right to expect decent hygiene before you stick his junk in your mouth, so if the actual PENIS tastes gross, tell him to shower. If it’s the semen that tastes gross, use oral as an appetizer before vaginal intercourse, or make sure he ejaculates either outside your mouth or down your throat.
“Am I being unreasonable? Yes, yes, and yes.
Oral comes standard on every model or it gets put back on the shelf. That goes for both genders.
Now, some practical advice:
If the real problem is taste, there are a few things he can do to make himself taste better. First and foremost is to shower immediately before so that his penis is clean as it can be. If it is his semen that bothers you, he can change his diet. What a man eats completely affects the way he tastes. This is why DH is no longer allowed to eat asparagus or garlic if he wants me anywhere near his penis. Eating fruit, lots of sweet fruit, does help the way semen tastes. The old pineapple juice trick is not fiction. It works. Make him drink 1-2 glasses of the stuff per day and his semen will taste amazing.
If a change in cleaning and diet doesn’t improve his taste then either he has a health problem OR you have a psychological block. My guess is from the way you write your letter, it’s the latter. Because of your tone and saying things like this:
“If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up”
See, you don’t ask for ways to may it better. You see this as a zero sum game. It’s not, how do we make this work for both of us..you ask, how do I get him to give it up so or do I just have to suffer?
If you are throwing up, you are doing it wrong. Either he’s choking you, or he has a real health issue or you just have a mental block to sucking cock.
I suspect though, that your problem is not his taste, but that you just find the act degrading and disgusting. You need to spend some time on this and get to the root of it in your own head before you talk to him. No b.s., no excuses. If you aren’t honest with yourself about why you feel this way, you are only going to make yourself miserable and sabatoge this relationship. Have you EVER enjoyed giving BJS? (seems not, “I hate going down on guys) If your aversion to BJs as BJs is really what’s going on, you have two choices: (1) Be honest with him about what and why you don’t like it or (2) grin and bear it because you love him.
“I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do”
Doing things you don’t really enjoy, and even mildly dislike, is part of the give and take of an adult relationship.
Look, I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years and we’ve been together for 13. You will have to do a lot in a relationship that you don’t like in order to make the relationship work. This is not a problem so long as it is not one-sided and you aren’t asked to do anything that is really vile, outside your moral comfort zone, or damaging to yourself. He’s not asking for anal or three-ways. He’s desiring a sex act that the vast majority of people on the planet feel is natural and normal and part of an intimate relationship.
The sacraficing a bit goes not just for lovers, but for any close relationship. Of you even think you want kids, getting down on your knees once is a while is nothing, nothing compared to what kids will throw at you. Or your best friend. Or your boss.
Relationships aren’t 100% fun and games. They are hard work and require that we do things that aren’t driven by 100% short-term self interest. Reciprocal giving to your partner in the short term is what gets you a good long term relationship.
It sounds like you have a great boyfriend, given how much he loves oral and seems fun in bed. If that’s the case and you are otherwise compatible, then I think denying him this pleasure is a bad move. As I said, oral comes standard.
You need to know that if you can’t get over your aversion to BJs, you are cutting down your potential pool of mates significantly. No male I know would ever marry a woman who would not go down. Most women I know wouldn’t marry a man who could not find a clitoris with his tongue in the dark. So be prepared for the fact this may well be a deal breaker. He may or may not tell you immediately that it is. It may take months to work out. But trust me, the vast majority of men want access to blow jobs even if they don’t actually want them daily. Cutting off the possibility will cause problems.
And if he doesn’t stay with you and you find yourself back on the market DO NOT start giving BJS in the early phases and then cut them off after you feel secure. If you really “hate going down on guys” don’t. Be honest with your sex partners. But be prepared that many, many men may turn you down because you won’t go down.
In short:
(1) Figure out why you hate BJs and always have. If you can’t get it that yourself, don’t talk it out with your boyfriend. Find a trusted sex positive girlfriend, school counselor, etc. and get to the root of it. Only after you know what the true issue is.
(2) If it is his taste, follow the advice above. (Don’t think so, given your universal aversion).
(3) If it is the act itself, you need to figure out ways to make it more physical and psychologically comfortable for you. It can be done.
(4) You need to give some hard thought to what you are and are not willing to do in reciprocation in a relationship. If you can’t do that, you will have issues much larger than to give or not to give BJs.
(5) Promise that you won’t lead men on in the beginning of a relationship with giving BJs and then cut them off once they are into you. Not fair. In fact, it’s pretty emotionally and sexually fraudulent. If you really hate BJs, tell the guys once you start becoming sexual with them. Give them a choice of whether or not they want to fall in love with a woman who won’t.