We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
I hate going down on guys. Always have. I gag, I choke, I think it tastes gross. My boyfriend likes receiving oral, of course, and I want to make him happy, but I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do — and do do — to get him (and myself) off. Am I being unreasonable? I wouldn’t ask him to do something he really didn’t want to do. And I can’t help but think, If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up? (Btw, I enjoy receiving cunnilingus, but it’s not a deal breaker — I can take it or leave it. My boyfriend says he enjoys giving it to me, so that only adds tit-for-tat pressure!)
— That Blows
What should TB do?
Hey TB,
I have a super awful gag reflex, too. It totally sucks. I have actually barfed. It isn’t fun for anyone. I don’t think you should be forced to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but I’d thought I’d share my modified technique.
The way I get around the gag is to have the boy lie down. I approach at a perpendicular angle (like a “T”), lay hand against his stomach so that my hand cups the top of his shaft and focus on stimulating the entire exposed length of the bottom shaft. The most sensitive part on most guys is the part where the head meets the shaft, so I basically make out with it and the whole bottom side of his dick, using lots of tongue pressure. I’ll put the full tip in, but I really can’t go much further. Sometimes I just end up giving a really slobbery hand job with my mouth stimulating just the tip. Sometimes this isn’t enough for him to come, but we just switch to regular sex.
That’s the compromise that works for us. I too dislike the taste of semen, but I deal with it and think of it in my mind as a gift. Sometimes I just catch it with a towel. I’ll also jump him right after he showers, so that takes care of the crotch funk. I’ve noticed that he has caught drift of this and likes it, and will do the same for me. You may also want to consider body chocolates or something. I haven’t tried them, but I know there are kinds that you can just paint on and lick off in a way that is comfortable to you.
My partner understands the gag reflex, and he certainly doesn’t get off on me suffering or having my dinner all over his crotch. He really appreciates that I try with my handicapped efforts and absolutely reciprocates in different ways, not always sexual. I mean, sometimes I want a foot rub for my gross feet, and he will indulge, even though I know it’s not fun.
Anyway, if you decide to give it a shot, I’d love to hear if my solutions work for another gagger!
–Sioux
I was talking to a guy in a bar many years ago and he had a few drinks and became very loquacious. As we were talking about women he said “You know, I hate to eat pussy but the competition is really tough out there”. I about fell out of my chair laughing. One of the great quotes of all time. The funniest part was that the guy was deadly serious.
i don’t know how serious this issue is with you but many guys are able to deal with no intercourse as long as they get oral. and sometimes oral is better for us guys than the actual intercourse because we may be tired or not have enough time. it’s great that he loves to go down on you but i bet he would do it whether he liked it or not anyway. after all if him going down on you helps with your libido he would do it just to be able to keep having sex. the way you put it sounds like it’s a chore for you. you definitely need to figure out the real issue because if not he may leave. i know i would
this is not that uncommon. You should see the craigslist ads for m4m from guys whose girls or wives don’t do certain things. There’s always a place to get it, and there are plenty of guys who love doing it, NSA.
My husband won’t go downtown on me. I used to perform oral on him all the time but I don’t anymore. He complains that I don’t, but I think he is a hypocrit for doing so. He can’t expect to get oral fromme if I don’t from him.
You have to consider WHY men like blowjobs (and from the preceding comments, it appears that the vast majority do). Here are what I think are the reasons:
(1) They can lay back, relax, and simply receive pleasure. They don’t have to physically exert themselves, so there are no other sensations competing for attention in their brains which would drown out or distract from the sensations coming from their penis, e.g. no back getting tired from pumping away, no elbows or knees suffering from the pressure of supporting them or from rubbing on some surface, no having to think about if what they are doing to their partner is ‘working’. Being able to empty one’s mind and concentrate on the pleasurable sensations is great.
(2) It is a turn-on to have somebody want to give you sexual pleasure.
(3) It is even more of a turn-on to realize that the person giving you incredibly pleasurable sensations knows exactly what they are doing and has control over making you orgasm.
(4) It is something both intimate and a little bit naughty.
(5) The sensations from a mouth can be more intense than what the penis receives from going in and out of a vagina. Being well lubricated is a good thing, but in the end, it is the friction which creates the pleasure. Hence men’s predilection for ‘tight pussy’.
I count the last point as very important. Men can get less sensitive as they age, and need more stimulation.
Given all that, how can one give enhanced pleasure in some other way than a blowjob? I submit that your hands are capable of much, much more than your mouth. You hands can stroke, squeeze, circle, rub, twist, pull, and stimulate in many more ways than your mouth. If you learn to give a really good handjob, there is a very good chance that your boyfriend will prefer it to a blow job. Its an art. Just pumping away is just as bad as a guy just mindlessly pumping away. There are Internet sites dedicated to handjobs. I suggest checking them out and learning some techniques. You can take him to the edge of orgasm, and then apply the special two-finger squeeze to keep him from coming, prolonging the sexual tension until he is frantic. If you want some extra excitement, you can tie him spreadeagled to the bed, so that you have total control, and take you time, which will drive him wild. If you tell him, ‘Honey, I have this fantasy: I want to tie you up and then make you come like you’ve never come before’ then his heart will be racing for sure.
Please ignore Annie–she is an idiot. If you don’t like giving oral, don’t do it, period. If he leaves you for it, he wasn’t worth keeping. Not ALL men “require” oral–mine doesn’t. (And even when I was with guys who liked it and I indulged them, I NEVER EVER let them come in my mouth, or it was the LAST time they got it.) And not all women even like getting oral–I have always been bored out of my mind by it, doesn’t do a damn thing for me. We do other things that turn us on, but I would never ask my guy to do something he felt uncomfortable or turned off by, and he would never ask me to do them, either. It’s called mutual respect.
I think you’re being unfair, both to yourself and your boyfriend, by declaring sort of a moratorium on an entire class of sex act. I totally understand the pressure you feel. The first time my boyfriend went down on me, I felt pressure more than anything else, because I felt like I could take or leave oral sex, and I was not ready to go down on him. He said the same thing as your boyfriend, that he enjoyed doing it, which is the best possible reason to please your partner. But I wasn’t ready, and so for another month, he was a one man show. And when I was ready to dip my toes in, we took it slow.
I think you should start all over again with your boy. Of course he should have good hygiene; no one should have to put their mouth near anything unclean. And you can lick and touch in conjunction with your normal activities. It doesn’t have to be some big thing. Give a very “wet” handjob with a little mouth action. Here is where I think some reevaluation is needed on your part. You see, truth be told, I don’t like giving oral sex either, in that the taste is less than pleasant, and the activity itself is straining, and gagging is no fun for anyone.
I also love going down on my boyfriend. A lot of things are not terribly enjoyable if you think about them; exercise is gross. We sweat, we smell funny, we bend into positions we don’t like. Enjoy the acheivement. Making your boyfriend moan and being completely in control of his pleasure is like losing five pounds. Focus on goals, and markers of achievement, and take pride in what you do. I’m not saying I enjoy the taste of a hot mouthful of semen, but the taste of success, and knowing at that moment he thinks I’m a goddess? That tastes sweet. That feeling of pride, and sexual confidence can do wonders for your sex life. I recommend my favorite position to you, a sideways 69, because trust me, finding that rhythm can be just as much fun orally, and you’re missing out by not giving it a shot.
I have TMJ. My jaw is super tight and a true BJ would be impossible, unless the penis was super duper small. I can’t fit a good cheeseburger in my mouth, have to use a knife and fork.
I do the BJ lite. I use the “ice cream cone” technique and lick all the way up and down and spend as much attention on the head as a girl who can’t fit a head in her mouth can. Most of all though, I have perfected as many hand-job routines as possible. My own, magazines, girlfriends, boyfriends, everyone that has a trick, I want to know how it treats! I keep lube by the bed and I’m not afraid to use it. Work those magic hands girlfriend. Find your gifts.
This is so so so helpful! I have bad TMJ that makes even eating a sandwich difficult or impossible depending on how thick it is, so i was worried about the whole blow job issue and if guys really do break up with women because of that! Many of these comments have been depressing to read, but yours was helpful (great tips!) And nice to know someone else is dealing with TMJ issues (even though it is awful to have jaw pain and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone!)
Wow. No one has even mentioned this little secret: HAVE HIM WEAR A CONDOM. This way you won’t taste anything but rubber. Either that or just refuse to do it. ( And I’m a virgin!)
Taylor, who s**t in your cereal yesterday morning? WOW, everyone is entilted to an opinon but please get off the soapbox. Either it’s a deal breaker for the guy (it would be for me) or it isn’t. It seems to me she could simply talk to him and let him know that she can’t/won’t do it anymore and let them decide what happens from there.
First thought, echoing others here, you should never feel obliged to do something you really don’t enjoy in a relationship. That will just impact negatively on the rest of your relationship and cause resentment on your part that he ‘makes’ you do this and that can’t end well. If he is actually putting excessive pressure on you then he’s not worth it anyway and in Dan Savage style you should DTMFA! Ssecond thought, is he expecting above and beyond? A fabulous blow job does not need to mean deep throut, just suck the head or even jsut kiss and lick whilst your hands do the work, kiss and lick the shaft, get your hands involved and stroke him and play with his shaft and balls and generally do whatever you can think of that makes him feel good without going anywhere near his gag reflex.. and tell him very firmly (or even make it kinky and tie him down) that there will be no pushing down the top of your head to get more depth, you need to be totally in control (which you may find very sexy ;0) ) of what you do, when you do it and for how long.. then you might be able to relax and enjoy yourself and believe me he willlove you ‘worshiping’ his manhood ;0)
3rdly, if the smell is an issue, and you’ve exhausted teh possibilities of washing before hand, changing how he washes (my BF washes with soap and sanex shower gel as he felt just soap left him clean but smelling odd) and checking for infection etc then maybe you just aren’t that compatable.. pheromones in smell are what subconsciously tell you whether you are compatable (to produce healthy children, you need a good mix of different genes esp in the immune system to be healthy, that’s why inbred people and animals have health problems). When you meet a really compatable person you’re drawn subconsciously (or even consciously) to their smell, if the smell of your BF turns you off then maybe he’s just not the right guy.. lastly, if the taste issue is cum, then don’t swallow ;0) a good compromise here would be a very handsy (on your part) bj and then cum on your chest, or move to a different sex act entirely, that way he gets the enjoyment of your lips around him without you gagging and if you’ll hopefully feel happier about it adn be able to enjoy yourself.. but, just to reiterate, all this is only if you want to.. sex should always be about what feels good to both, there’s a difference between being GGG about something that doesn’t inspire and doing what repulses you becasue you feel you have to..
My rule b is no one should do something they don’t enjoy within a relationship. Otherwise it’s not a shared intimate moment, it’s just one being used as a masturbatory aide. You are just as important as your boyfriend in your relationship.
Explain to your boyfriend that you rather do something that turns BOTH of you on.
A good substitution to blow jobs is to break out the lube and engage in some titty banging.
Some people just don’t like giving blowjobs, it’s as simple as that. That doesn’t mean you should have to sacrifice your own comfort and boundaries when there are PLENTY of alternatives out there.
Mostly good advice here, even from Taylor who is clearly a twit that has never been to the Zoo, or a farm. Taylor, every mammal has some kind of “oral” sex – just because your mamma told you it was dirty don’t make it so.
TB doesn’t say what it is that she finds so terrible about oral sex but she ought to at least try and figure it out.
I’d agree that no one should do anything, sexual or not that they’re not comfortable with. But one should try anything and everything that appeals to you.
I’d date someone who didn’t like oral sex, but I wouldn’t get anything like serious if they couldn’t give me some sort of satisfaction once in a while. We guys are easy, a hand job with a few kisses and licks is a blowjob to most of us.
I agree with Rachel, and like her, I can’t believe some people are suggesting that you are being unreasonable. You most definitely are not. Never do anything you are uncomfortable with doing. If a guy can’t accept that then he’s not worth your time. I dislike giving oral as well. It makes me gag, and it hurts my jaw pretty bad. I know my boyfriend wishes I would do it more, but he understands my reasoning.