There’s no such thing as an “ugly vagina.” Here’s why…
Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina.
Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
— “Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oy. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news about your “ugly vagina”:
We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
What the double-standard fuck? Know this: they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news:
Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. There’s no such thing as abnormal.
Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. Blame porn.
You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Labiaplasty schmabiaplasty.
Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm — and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips probably won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. Love (and often mere lust) conquers all.
The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in head over heels for the man attached to that penis, so too will most men be a-ok with your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Can you say “nerve endings”?
Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, some of them may enjoy sex a little more because of it. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. Beauty standards are arbitrary.
You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, very few people stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should necessarily opt for re-growth to “hide” your vadge — you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of — but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop rueing the fact that it doesn’t!
7. Girly-looking vulvas are for little girls.
And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid?
8. The internet is NOT your friend.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. People and their body parts are diverse AF.
Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia may be “neat,” but they aren’t necessarily supposed to be.
10. There are plenty of unfussy fish in the sea.
If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t date with men who use the term “ugly vagina” and make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do date men who are respectful of women and seem genuinely happy to be given access to your genitals. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
Thank you for this beautiful article….. :)xxx
There are very few attractive vaginas in porn especially those that look neat most do look worn out but thats because they do have sex a lot so i wouldnt compare an average woman vag to a porn stars vag
I haven’t seen a real vulva, but in porn closeups they all look incredibly ugly and impractical. Erotic photos that don’t show the parts down below are generally better. I’d rather wish women had penises, which would also make their life easier… if many of them had them that is. I’m not sure how photo-edited the pictures of transgender women are, but they look much neater than the trimmed pussy.
I stumbled across this while doing a search on ugly pussies. My whole sexual life I had never put any thought into what my vagina looked like until a group of my closest guy friends were scrutinizing a picture of a girls vag. They all commented on how disgusting it looked because of the coloration and labia size. They referred to her as “beat” and “roast beef”. I went home and pulled out a mirror and realized that my labia were larger, darker, and longer than the girls. I actually thought her vag was quite pretty! As if I wasn’t being stupid enough, I ended up dating one of these moron guys for four years. He refused to do oral sex on me. I hated my “ugly” vagina. Now that I am older I realize how stupid it is to feel that way. My husband thinks my crotch is awesome and can’t get enough of it! As for that guy I dated years ago… trying not to be cynical or poke fun, but one day it dawned on me. Yeah he thought it was ugly and wouldn’t go near it, but he also never lasted more than 10 seconds, so there must have been something good about it!
i am pleased to see that its not only men who worry about their sex parts. i am 56 and have had multiple sex partners. some women had small labia minora, some larger. it made no difference to me. smell and taste were more important. all women are beautiful to me. i once had a woman tell me my penis was to small for her. yes, it hurt my feelings and made me feel less confident in bed for quite a while. but i got over it. to all you lovely ladies out there, you are beautiful just the way you are. but remember, if you judge men, then its only fair that men judge you. i have never judged a woman for the looks of her vulva. don’t even care if its trimmed or not. being clean is important for both genders. i love going down when she is clean. i love being able to please her orally. but i could care less about the looks of her labia.
just my two cents worth.
You are a sweet man,Dave
I want to say thank you because I’ve always felt this way about myself, that my lips were too large. They honestly aren’t that large! Not one person I’ve been with has thought so or disliked the way I look. I honestly don’t know where the idea came from. I’m in love with the greatest guy who adores me and my vagina, tells me how beautiful I am and it is everyday. I still can’t kick this surgery idea… I told him about my thoughts…. He said are you crazy you’re perfect! Id be devostated if i lost feeling down there. i have no issue with orgasms actuslly i can have quite a few during sex and oral sex! What the heck Is going on in my head that I still think there’s something wrong with me 🙁 I want so badly to just accept, be comfortable and love myself entirely. This website has been a great insight though. I’m going to keep trying to find positive information. Thank you ladies!
I’m the opposite. I don’t like plain boring ones. I like ones with character
I suppose my kitty would be considered an “ugly” vagina- but that’s besides the point. I came here to talk to all the girls with “neat” vaginas ( or so society thinks) you should stop posting comments about how you feel put down! This is NOT about you! Look at porn if you wanna feel good about yourself！ all of them have well kept vaginas. this is for the women who don’t feel particularly well about that area and this is not your place to bitch about it.
Sure sure, you feel like reason 5 was offending but, really!? Why?? She wasn’t offending anyone! The author never stated anything about a larger being BETTER all they said was that it gave more friction and face it that means more pleasure- but if you’ve never had an issue about how much pleasure you get, why are you complaining?!
I came here after googling “why do I think vaginas are ugly”, and I am a woman. I KNOW they’re not ugly but honestly I become physically ill at the sight of most vaginas. I am bi curious and love everything about women except vagina.
It’s strange. I don’t like it. And I don’t know why I feel this way. I’ve only recently started to like how my own vagina looks. I always thought it was ugly and now I am realizing that it isn’t ugly, but I still find most vaginas to be not appealing (to put it nicely).
And for all the men who are wondering why women lump these few outspoken assholes into one group and think our vaginas are ugly… Well, men love vaginas- when we think ours is ugly or different, it makes us not want to show it off. Then we have people like Jack a few comments up who is TERRIBLY DEVASTATED that the love of his life doesn’t have a “neat little box”.. well Jack, that’s ridiculous. You’ve found the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. Most people NEVER FIND THAT. So don’t be posting online that you don’t like her vagina. If she ever saw your post on here, I think she’d drop you in a heartbeat.
So men and women who are offended by this article because you either have a “neat perfect pussy” or because you prefer that, THAT IS FINE. But stay off of this thread!!!!! We aren’t saying that your pussy isn’t amazing and beautiful! I’m sure it is!!!! These threads are out here to try to help the women who feel self conscious because they don’t have your “neat perfect vagina” … So consider yourself lucky that you don’t have this self conscious issue and google something else.
Hi everyone! I’m a 23 year old female who has been feeling “ugly” for quite a while now! I never felt this way until I started dating my current boyfriend. We’ve been together for 2 years now and I know he thinks I am very sexy. BUT, he also doesn’t hide the fact that he enjoys porn (past partners have). So I started watching porn as well- sometimes with him but sometimes on my own. That’s when I started getting the idea that my vagina was “ugly”. It really, really made me sad. It made me not want to even be naked with him- and that’s our favorite thing to do! When we hang out at home or whatever, we’re very often naked. Some days I feel more self conscious than others but some days it’s so bad I will keep my clothes on and he doesn’t know why. I want to talk to him about how I feel but it’s embarrassing and painful. When I started watching porn and thought that my vagina wasn’t as “pretty” as others, I started remembering things from high school. Guys would say that some girls had “roast beef” vaginas or better yet, I remember a song that went something along the lines of.. “Do your lips hang low, do they wobble to and fro…” It’s really hard to feel sexy when these thoughts are attacking your brain as soon as your clothes come off. I’m really glad I have access to posts such as these and to know that I’m NORMAL and beautiful! It’s sad that women feel this way. I KNOW that I am an attractive 23 year old woman, but when my panties come off, all that goes out the window. Thank you everyone for the comments! We are all BEAUTIFUL- no matter what!!!!!!!!!!! And any man who thinks differently doesn’t deserve any of us!
I LOVE my wife’s labia. They are big enough to slightly protrude when she’s unstimulated. When she’s aroused, her inner labia swell and spread even further over her external labia. I will admit to being a cunnilingus addict, so I doubt there would be any natural woman that I’d have problems with by sight (smell and taste??). OTOH the thought of having those sensitive bits sliced off, unless they were truly interfering with their owner’s motions, etc., just seems barbaric. I suspect that being old enough that I wasn’t exposed to the vast quantity of porn that exists online before I was exposed to real live girls and women helps shape my attitudes. I find it shocking that any horndog would be willing to criticize a woman that was willingly sharing her lower lips with him.
I can personally vouch that longer inner labia are more sensitive. Like Candi, i have one long and one short lip. The long one is extremely sensitive and is my “go to” spot. I often can’t orgasm unless that lip is stimulated. When i was about 20 i dated a guy who when angry would make rude commentsabout my “oversized lip”. I refused to let that bother me. Of the dozen or so men I’ve been intimate with, he was the only one who ever said a word. They knew they were lucky to be with me! I can also vouch that large lips have nothing to do with how much sex you’ve had. Mine was that way long before i lost my virginity.
I’m so glad to find this site but I’m still a bit insecure when it comes to my vulva. Reading through all these comments about long and short inner labia make me feel even more of a freak because one side of my inner labia is short and pink while the other is long and dark. It’s so uneven. Thank goodness I married a man who loves me for me (stretch marks and all) though we still make love with the lights out per my request.
Bahaha! Most men don’t care what it looks like, as long as it don’t smell & taste good!
I got a fat cat n I hate it, but men love it. There is always going be something we don’t like about ourselves 🙂