There’s no such thing as an “ugly vagina.” Here’s why…
Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina.
Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
— “Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oy. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news about your “ugly vagina”:
We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
What the double-standard fuck? Know this: they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news:
Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. There’s no such thing as abnormal.
Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. Blame porn.
You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Labiaplasty schmabiaplasty.
Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm — and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips probably won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. Love (and often mere lust) conquers all.
The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in head over heels for the man attached to that penis, so too will most men be a-ok with your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Can you say “nerve endings”?
Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, some of them may enjoy sex a little more because of it. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. Beauty standards are arbitrary.
You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, very few people stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should necessarily opt for re-growth to “hide” your vadge — you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of — but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop rueing the fact that it doesn’t!
7. Girly-looking vulvas are for little girls.
And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid?
8. The internet is NOT your friend.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. People and their body parts are diverse AF.
Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia may be “neat,” but they aren’t necessarily supposed to be.
10. There are plenty of unfussy fish in the sea.
If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t date with men who use the term “ugly vagina” and make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do date men who are respectful of women and seem genuinely happy to be given access to your genitals. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
Johnny,
You are right about nasty names. Some are just more humiliating than others. I nevet imagined in a million years that my body could be used against me in this way. I used to be so happy. Maybe someday Ill afford surgery. As for the girlfriend, shes perfect in every way. Trust me, Ive been forced to see it. Thanks for your words of encouragment.
^ Also – vagina-related nasty names aren’t the only names he calls you, am I right? That’s not the only thing he’s mean to you about, is it? Point is, it’s not your vagina. It’s HIM.
^ Another man WOULD love you. Not “anyway.” Just plain, another man would love you. Hell, if the new guy were just a negligent, thoughtless, emotionally absent, sexually inept slob, he’d still be a step up from the guy you’ve got now.
Seriously though, your “husband” is abusing you regularly, and his girlfriend is up next. He’s a cruel person. Imagine the effect this is going to have on your twins. You can’t live like this. You have to leave.
For the last 3 years of my 6 yr marriage I have lived with this shame. After the birth of my twins my vagina looks different… He makes sure I know it every day. Blown Out. Roast Beef. Wrinkley, saggy cunt. Looks like you have a dick instead of a pussy. Bolonga lips. I could go on for years with the things he has to say to me. Sometimes I think a different man would love me anyway… But from these comments, it appears that is untrue. I am 28 years old. My husband has a girlfriend because my vagina is too ugly. I will never have sex again.
I am one of hopefully the many women out there who is discourages with how our area looks. When i first noticed my problem i thought i would grow into it but i didnt. I have come to realize that it will never go away. I feel like men compare us true women to the porn models. It hurts me a lot to know that I am not good enough for men. I just want to find a guy who loves my body completely and rather look at me then porn 🙁
^ It probably is porn’s fault.
I guess I was a little put off the first time I experienced larger, darker inner labia. My mental trick was to go tactile. Close my eyes and think about how it felt against my fingers. She was so wet, and there was so much to play with, and it felt great. Two minutes later I was going down on her and loving it, and this was never a problem for me again.
Good thing, too, because I tend to date exotic women. Darker labes come with the territory. Why would a woman whose skin is brown everywhere else have a pink pussy!? Ridiculous to be surprised by that.
Spare of thought for the men of this world, like myself and Marcus.
I have been involved with two women in my recent past, both of whom I cared for very much. Both had Brazilian waxes, but one had an enlarged inner labia and one didn’t. When I found it difficult to “perform” for the girl with the enlarged inner labia I thought something was wrong with me! She is absolutely gorgeous too, so it got me thinking; has years of watching porn (as males do) conditioned me to only find the “perfect” type of vagina attractive?
As it turns out it, yes it probably has. It was something I just couldn’t get past. I would literally lose wood if I looked at it. I felt too embarrassed to say anything to her, I instead pretended to enjoy it and have since moved on. To this very day she does not know how I felt about it and why, I wouldn’t even know how to begin such a conversation.
This, ladies, is the male psyche. Sure we can be judgmental assholes and have unrealistic expectations but please remember we can not help it sometimes either!
I am almost 60 years old. I have been with a fair amount of woman in my life. All colors and persuasions. I have never seen a vagina that I did not grow to love and adore. Because it was a part of the woman I had grown to love and adore.
Occasionally a few had very strong aroma, but it was usually a medical condition from poor body chemistry balanced (caused by diet or stress) or a yeast infection. I always gently discussed with my girlfriend and with a little attention the issue was resolved.
Other than that long lips, small lips, large amount of hair, sparse hair, I never consider this organ could ever be considered “ugly”.
NOTE: The current trend to shave the vulva totally turns me off. I don’t want to be with a prepubescent girl I want to be with a woman. And the 5 o’clock stubble really sucks.
My first partner had a naturally “perfect female genitalia” as far as color, shape, size, smell et al. Her’s looked remarkably like the porn ideal. We were together for a long time, and after we broke up, it took me an embarrassingly long period to be with another partner. I only have been with a handful of women, and I am in my 30s. I just couldn’t help being put off by the sights and smells of the more common female genitalia. Please understand, I am not a snob. I just can’t help what I feel, and I have paid dearly for my narrow preference, let me assure you. Since my 1st relationship, sex has been something I put up with to have a relationship. I went to therapy, but it didn’t help much. I have never made any woman self conscious about her genitalia no matter how godawful I felt about it. This my cross to bear in life. I have missed out for most of my adult years on one of life’s greatest pleasures that for me was transformed into something that I grudgingly endure. Most of my male friends had a remarkably pleasurable sojourn with many women and that reminds me of what I have missed out on.
So ladies, if he does not like what your lady parts look like, he is the one who is going to have to suffer. If he is looking for a good woman who also has a “perfect genitalia”, he can look a lifetime and not find one.
AMEN TO THAT!
..the people (men and women) who scrutinize the most when it comes to t-t size,weight,
d-ck size,looks etc..are usually the ones who can’t really afford to be picky and are are often so nasty they themselves couldn’t get laid in a brothel.
I myself had this problem. My confidence got so low that I cried when guys would even joke about “ugly vaginas” around me. I thought they were making fun of me when none of them had even seen my vagina. I went to my GYNO and had a Labirctomy (getting them cut) and it was the most painful after healing process I’ve ever gone through. Now I am back to normal and have full sexual feeling in my vagina. My labia is still slightly sticking out but way less then it was. My boyfriend didn’t care either way but I am way more confident during sex now.
After seeing many vulva, I find most are what I would call, ugly. Not trying to say personal hurt. Just as a whole, compared to every other part of the female body, which is beautiful, I find that evolution forgot about making the vulva, a desirable organ, for the eyes. No argument on the taste, smell, or touch of vulva. Even some guys bits hard to look at. Time to go back to sex in the dark.
Um…I got news for you. If you find vulvas to be unattractive, then perhaps, fellas, you are gay.
Bottom line, though. Who cares what genitals (of either sex) look like. If you find yourself attracted to another person enough to want to engage in sex, who in their right mind stops to inspect the goods and judge them? Aren’t you overcome with horniness, lust and passion? Aren’t you thrilled to be with the person – body, mind, heart and soul?
If not, then perhaps you should keep it zipped and go back to trawling on the Internet for airbrushed pics of naked bits.
I read up to the 10 reasons and didn’t even have to go on. Sorry, but there are some god awful looking vaginas. In fact, most of them look like serrated wounds. Though not the fault of the “owner” it’s by no means beautiful just because it’s from nature, etc.. Just accept some things in life are hideous and leave it at that.