There’s no such thing as an “ugly vagina.” Here’s why…
Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina.
Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
— “Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oy. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news about your “ugly vagina”:
We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
What the double-standard fuck? Know this: they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news:
Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. There’s no such thing as abnormal.
Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. Blame porn.
You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Labiaplasty schmabiaplasty.
Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm — and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips probably won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. Love (and often mere lust) conquers all.
The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in head over heels for the man attached to that penis, so too will most men be a-ok with your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Can you say “nerve endings”?
Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, some of them may enjoy sex a little more because of it. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. Beauty standards are arbitrary.
You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, very few people stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should necessarily opt for re-growth to “hide” your vadge — you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of — but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop rueing the fact that it doesn’t!
7. Girly-looking vulvas are for little girls.
And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid?
8. The internet is NOT your friend.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. People and their body parts are diverse AF.
Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia may be “neat,” but they aren’t necessarily supposed to be.
10. There are plenty of unfussy fish in the sea.
If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t date with men who use the term “ugly vagina” and make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do date men who are respectful of women and seem genuinely happy to be given access to your genitals. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
after reading this it helped a bunch becuase i feel embarresed about the way i look down theyre. i shave and stay as clean as possible, i mean what girl wouldnt? im 17 and i dont want to make myself so upest about it but its hard not to get upset when you hear about guys saying some vag’s are pretty and some are not. but this reasures me that its beautiful no matter what it looks like.
You women think that men are sexist based upon on our personal feelings and preferences in pussies. We’re allowed to have whatever opinion we like. There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting a pussy that actually looks appealing. And that doesn’t mean that a man who uses words like vaginas instead of vulva is a sexist pig. It’s unrelated. And nobody says shit like that anyway because it’s not how normal people talk, just like how people don’t use “thy” and “thou” anymore. Get with the program. If a woman got pissed at me for saying vagina instead of vulva, I’d get pissed if she called my penis a cock or dick. Think about that. Would you really want to call it that instead of a cock or dick like a regular person? Also, just because men enjoy (again) something that actually looks sexy and feminine, doesn’t mean we want too look like a little girl’s. That is so disgusting to think about. I don’t know why you would even try to compare them, because they’re not even close. You don’t even know what men consider to be a pretty pussy. The best looking pussy I’ve seen had inner lips sticking out like a flower, except instead of it being all wrinkly and grey like an old lady’s it was nice and smooth and pink. It was glorious.
Wow, this thread has shocked me. Julie, please seriously consider leaving this horribly abusive person. You deserve pure joy in your life. He is taking it away from you, one word at a time. It’s dangerous.
About labia and penises. You know, just what is it that is so wrong with natural? I really like uncircumcised men. I think the extra skin is beautiful. Like a house for the penis. Men should leave their penises alone and be proud of what they are born with. And we women should do the same. Why alter what nature gave us? Big labia, small labia….It’s there to love. That simple.
I found a website called vaginasoftheworld.tumblr.com. If anyone is self-conscious of their vagina, I suggest you look at this website. Just found it last night.. and it has helped me so much it’s ridiculous. Turns out this article is right, every woman’s vulva is beautiful!
I am in my twenties and have never had sex with a man, but have done so much of everything else (mostly to myself), starting at a very young age, that my inner labia is darker and pokes out. I find it extremely unattractive, and I fear I’ll never be able to be intimate with a man, because when I tell them I’m a virgin.. they’ll expect everything to look ‘perfect’ down there and then encounter a big surprise. I’m an outgoing person and am comfortable with how I look everywhere BUT “down there”, so I meet many men that I’m interested in and have no trouble getting asked out on dates (not saying that to be boastful, I’m just illustrating my life), but I rarely go on more than two dates with the same guy because I’m terrified of what they’ll think of me when we take that next step. As a result, I have very many guy friends because that takes away the pressure of intimacy, but it also forces me to listen to ‘guy talk’ all the time, only talking about sex and ‘ugly vaginas’ that they’ve encountered. I join in and laugh, but little do they know… So I’ve come to the conclusion that I may just have to stay single forever. I’m not unhappy about that idea, but at the same time I wouldn’t mind sharing my life with someone either!
I liked reading this and knowing about other people’s experiences. It helped a bit.. however many people are talking about how everything turned “ugly” after having had children, and evidently I have not gone through that, so my anxiousness remains and probably will for a very long time.
Until women grow up and realize that uncircumcised men are normal, then men will have every right to call women out on their less-than-pornstar-like vulvas.
IF men are required to have their genitals maimed to suit scummy women, then it’s only fair that men demand the same “quality”.
The truth:
Everybody is self-conscious. I hit the gym 15-20 hours a week to keep myself feeling like I’m in top form, both in the bedroom and out of it. That’s pretty much a part-time job right there. I don’t really even use it for anything like sport, just to keep up appearances.
Let’s face it – my peers are mostly children. They won’t grow up til their in the 30s and even then, it could still take some time. Do what you need to do to feel confident, comfortable and safe. If that means making a guy wait 2-3 months before putting out, then do that. At least then you know he will love you regardless.
I was with the wrong girl a few years ago – everything about her appearances repulsed me. Another girlfriend was extremely beautiful, but the only time we had as a couple was pretty much in the bedroom, We had no contact. Don’t stop – learn from your experiences and search for the right partner. We are all different.
i hate my vulva with a passion. i’ve never seen anything uglier in my entire life. i look at it and just want to stab it. i could cry just thinking about it. i was as young as 12 when my friend told me something was wrong with me when she saw it because my inner labia sag so low. also thanks to a few men that let me know how they felt about it. if i saw a man with an ugly penis, i’d at least have the decency to pretend i cared for it instead of bashing him for the way he looks and telling all of his friends.
Women need to stop thinking so much. 84% of vaginas are beautiful, no matter the profile. Suprise keeps life interesting. Case in point, I’m attracted to many strictly naked females
It is strange but but I met my ex-wife at her age 33 and a virgin! Yes her vagina was like you see in porn movies but after we had two kids, it also flabbed out like you describe yours. But that had no influence in our relationship. After a while I noticed that she was becomming self conscious about it. First she got very jealous and I had no right to call my secretary about any job issue etc. I tried to find out what was going on but she wouldn’t tell me. Then she got violent. She is a big basket ball player and an expert swimmer. I cannot bear any thing in the domain of violence. I am a soldier and a master in the martial arts. Any mistake with my fingers would result in something I did not foresee so I hate violence in all its forms. One day, she exploded that I have a young secretary because I want “fresh pussy”. The realization rained down on me; I have never ever Never NEVER said nor behaved insolent towards her. And I have never dated my secretary, besides she met that girl under my orders.
In any case, what I want you julie to know is that you must leave your husband immediately. Vagina has never been any reason for divorce or contempt.
Next thing: guys myst understand that WOMAN is more conscious about her looks. Woman is eaSY TO BREAK BY A LITtle harsh word. Even if it is usual for women to mock our little cocks or big cocks etc, we wan withstand that more than they can. It you give back to a woman the same insult she gives you, you are sure to make her cry. So, for the respect of humanity, for the respect of woman who gave birth to us all, I request that we males, be kind to the women, even if they are sometimes harsh on us.
I am divorced now, but it is not a vagina problem. My girl at this moment is a 46 YO and mother of 4. She got long inner lips and I love her so bad, I get dizzy with sucking on the long lips. She likes it. Julie, leave that imp, fast!!! There is someone out there who will have you with all that is JULIE. Your vagina is not ugly!!! Hey, c’mon!! SHAPE-TIGRESS AND ENJOY LIFE
This article has really helped me out, i always thought my vagina was god damned ugly and abnormal compared to-yes- porn models, and i worried about what any future partner might say or if they’d be too turned off to do it with me.therefore i kinda resolved to always have the lights firmly off when i do start having sex.
i used to neat up the area and trim it low, but ever since seen one on tv, i’ve let the bush grow tall, and trust me its longggggggg. and i even considered bleaching the area cause i’m brown yet that area is darker and that really disturbed me, i might still bleach the area out to have even toned colouring but no surgeries are in my future since i love the idea of extra chances for pleasure!
good guy
male pity chauvinist is as bad as feminist pig btw. I see it 50|50 when it come to appearance but an ugly guy still got more chance.
Guys get ripped on their package size way more than women do on this and you KNOW people.Heck judging a guy on his size has been the butt of jokes for decades and now is socially acceptable and seen as female empowerment by many.Bash away we know you will and we know you enjoy it! We also know that women are often some of the biggest hypocrites,sexists and cruel,heartless beings on earth.Some of us have proven this,yet it is always the women who get round table discussions on how THEY can feel better about themselves.
Thank you
Julie, leave him, take the twins and go for a friends or family or even a hostel (he may not be physically aggressive as yet(or is he?) but this is definitely emotional abuse and I would imagine services for domestic abuse wouldn’t make the distinction and a verbally abusive man is likely to become physically abusive if he is allowed to get away with it) find some free or cheap advice on divorce and child maintenance and custody etc. I’m in the UK so I can’t recommend organisations who will help you but I’m sure someone else reading this will know. If it were me I wouldn’t want someone like this influencing my children, if you have boys they will learn that they can treat women this way, if girls they learn that a woman has to put up with this and may end up abused themselves later in life or your husband may turn his vitriol onto your children.. For your own sake and your childrens you need to leave this toxic man, no-one deserves this kind of treatment.