There’s no such thing as an “ugly vagina.” Here’s why…
Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina.
Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
— “Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oy. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news about your “ugly vagina”:
We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
What the double-standard fuck? Know this: they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news:
Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. There’s no such thing as abnormal.
Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. Blame porn.
You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Labiaplasty schmabiaplasty.
Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm — and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips probably won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. Love (and often mere lust) conquers all.
The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in head over heels for the man attached to that penis, so too will most men be a-ok with your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Can you say “nerve endings”?
Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, some of them may enjoy sex a little more because of it. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. Beauty standards are arbitrary.
You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, very few people stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should necessarily opt for re-growth to “hide” your vadge — you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of — but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop rueing the fact that it doesn’t!
7. Girly-looking vulvas are for little girls.
And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid?
8. The internet is NOT your friend.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. People and their body parts are diverse AF.
Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia may be “neat,” but they aren’t necessarily supposed to be.
10. There are plenty of unfussy fish in the sea.
If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t date with men who use the term “ugly vagina” and make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do date men who are respectful of women and seem genuinely happy to be given access to your genitals. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
I bet a good number of women who are so self-conscious about their “ugly” genitals have laughed an “uncircumcised penises are so gross or funny looking” type joke, the kind of which are popular in movies and TV shows.
How many women with “ugly” vaginas have had their sons circumcised because it “looks better” or “I don’t want him to feel different in the locker room”
Your genitals are your genitals. Accept them for how they are. Just make sure that you’re holding yourself to that own standard when it comes to others and call out your friends who point out “ugly” penises and such.
Hello Julie. I feel so sad for you but don’t be discourage hon. I know your spirit is crushed but once you find the strength to leave this price of trash (who obviously thinks woman value based on their labias/ vagina.
Let me tell you a story.
When I was younger I felt that I was rather attractive because I have many many boys chasing me everywhere I went. So anyways I ended up with someone who really liked me at first. I got pregnant after a year. He was incredibly verbally abusive starting at this point. Calling me “elephant” didn’t want to be seen with me. After the baby he would insult me and say I was not attractive to him anymore. I felt really bad inside but I still knew I was a good person.
Anyways, I became self conscious especially after a baby your body really changes. I felt that maybe no one would find me satisfying to their liking until I met my husband. He was always so turned on by me and we would do it 2-3 times a day. He would complement me on my body all the time. At first I didn’t believe him and thought he was just a horny guy. Then after several years (we always talked freely about our sexual desire) he confided that I had the perfect labia/ pubis. He described it as a little mound. He liked the fact that my area down there was somewhat puffy. This got me curios.
So I looked in the mirror one day at my labia and need I remind you I was not impressed. I have seen it many times before and was rather put off myself about it. Just because I have seen many porn movies and it wasn’t as nice as what I saw in the movies. Anywho, whatever my opinion is and my ex’s opinion that nearly crushed me. It ses I have found the right man that loves my “style” we are married 12 years and he loves it still after 2 kids. He asked to see it everytime we do it and he can do it twice a night if I let him because he says it turns him on so much. Occasionally when we see a nice plump puffy labia on porn he would say “that’s what yours looks like” which I feel O hardly come closed but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Besides maybe I am not seeing it fully from his angle.
So don’t be discourage. Sounds like your husband is over anal about what your’s should look like and that’s not much you could do about it but however there will be a man out there who is looking for a labia/vagina just like yours. You just have to find him. Good Luck. You deserve better, especially since your “ugly” vagina has earn the respect of giving him twins. A better would worship it!
The short version – whether or not a woman has large (or small, or medium, or whatever) labia is perfectly fine with me. I can’t recall ever seeing a vulva where I thought anything negative about how it looked visually unless something was medically wrong (I am a health provider, and have seen literally hundreds of vulvas), such as a Bartholin’s Cyst or an active, overt infection. When I first heard of the concept of an “ugly vulva” (in my 30’s), I was frankly shocked as I had never heard of nor even considered the concept.
So, for anyone out there who thinks that their vulva is unattractive and would interfere with a relationship, there are definitely guys out there who 1) believe that your vulva looks perfectly fine, and 2) care much more about who you are as a friend/lover/potential mate. ’nuff said.
Hey in adding comments to jonnhy’s situation me also abused by my boyfriend that i have an ugly vagina,more then an year we were dating…though he used tosay he loved me.He used to say my love, i am mad of on the other hand heabused me remarkabley torturing comments which he didn’t realized how i was puzzled.From first dating he commented about my body figures and vagina .Frrom very first i shocked withguilty feelings .Finnally i decided to breakup as it destroyed my feelings though mostly men easly attracted to me.After this breakup iwonder if i would be able to carry on thinking of a gay.
What in the fuck? The only person that I have ever heard refer to a vagina as ‘ugly’ is you, so get off your pedestal of man bashing and stop generalizing men from the sample of 14 year old boys and porn addicts. Sure, we use terms like ‘roast beef’ and ‘cheeseburger’, but these words aren’t used negatively, they simply are funny ways of describing what specific types of vaginas look like. You would be lying if you say women don’t give funny names describing man’s penis. The truth of the matter is that pretty much every guy doesn’t give a flying fuck about what the vagina looks like, and as far as I can see women seem to care far more about the way a cock looks. You are right about one thing though; the myth about the cheeseburger being the result of fucking too much. Once guys pass their teen years, we figure out that it isn’t really related. (especially since, generally, people in active relationships have sex more frequently than those that are not, albeit with the same person, hopefully. Yet the vagina stays the same.
This is funny considering another thread stating porn is harmless…obviously.. Not.
You can help it Sam. Stay alone and fuck yourself and leave women Alone.
Wow, fuck you Marcos, Sam, and whoever else. Ffffffuuuuuckkkk you!
This is why I hate porn. It has severely distorted people’s perceptions of what is normal and driving people to mutilate their freaking genitals for crying out loud. Cutting your labia is a bad idea, this can cause infection, since part of its purpose is to protect it from bacteria. Some women are dark down there and that is perfectly normal! I know girls as young as 13 who are very stressed about if their vagina is “normal” and attractive and even considering surgery. They feel completely ugly unless they looked like a drugged up porn star with fake tits and perfectly pink vagina. It has also caused men to feel if they don’t have a 12 inch dick they are small. The average global penis size is about a 5! No knife should go down there for anything other then real medical emergencies! (I am also against circumcision before anyone calls me a hypocrite.)
LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN!!!! There are woman in porn with inner lips protruding and guess what? MANY MANY MEN LOOOOOVE THIS. THEY PREFER THIS. WE SEARCH FOR THIS. The perfect pussy in our minds IS THIS TYPE. Do not be discouraged or opt for surgery!! No fucking way. The fatter, the more lips, the more there is to suck on and it is amazing watching our penises plunge into this beautiful mound of flowering flesh. TRUST ME.
Wow Bob.
Here’s the thing women. A perfect vagina is always celebrated and coveted. It can actually make a man more successful or more faithful. Believe me, it’s true. If a woman is not desirable sexually, the male will not strive to keep her.
Now. That being said. Here’s the good part for you. Yes, natural selection will weed out all of us who aren’t the ideal. But, sometimes something different is fun. It’s taboo or exotic. And this alone can make a guy extremely attracted to it. You just have to learn how to flaunt what you have. If you have long lips, figure out a way to market them. Just like black women who have to work with big butts as a marketable asset. The only thing that doesn’t for sure turn men on, is a smelly vagina/anus. If you want a pleasant tasting and smelling vagina, you need to keep away from red meat, which women should not be eating anyway because it’s protein and hormones which builds larger muscles and causes things to get fattier and less tone. Try to limit the greasy, fatty, meat laden foods, and eat fruits and vegetables. Especially fruits. And NEVER use pads, use only tampons, and keep that thing reasonably trimmed, hair collects sweat and smell. Moisture allows sliding, so if you are a big girl, I suggest loosing weight and keeping dry. When you come home from work, change your panties, I’ve never known a woman who smelled bad that changed her panties twice in a day, and make sure you are wearing cotton or some other absorbent panty, and use an almost undetectable amount of baby powder on your butt crack and between your inner thigh and crotch, this will prevent further chaffing and absorbs moisture.
After reading this article I feel way better about the way my pussy looks. I thought that because my pussy didn’t look the same as all the porn girls, that it was abnormal and ugly. I feel better now knowing i’m not the only one with longer lips than usual 🙂
I just happen to be from the opposing camp. The bigger the clit and the bigger the inner lips, the better! I like a mouthful when I go down to “play”. I could spend 30 minutes “nursing” at the Y. What I have found is that girls lacking a protruding clit and/or lips lose out on climax opportunities that their “larger” counterparts get. Enjoy what you have! It just takes finding the right man to comets the puzzle. We are out here. Don’t give up!
Great Article! There are documented 9 variations or types of vagina’s, all beautiful in their own way. Here is a link to the book that shows them.
http://www.amaracharles.com/