There’s no such thing as an “ugly vagina.” Here’s why…
Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina.
Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
— “Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oy. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news about your “ugly vagina”:
We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
What the double-standard fuck? Know this: they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news:
Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. There’s no such thing as abnormal.
Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. Blame porn.
You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Labiaplasty schmabiaplasty.
Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm — and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips probably won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. Love (and often mere lust) conquers all.
The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in head over heels for the man attached to that penis, so too will most men be a-ok with your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Can you say “nerve endings”?
Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, some of them may enjoy sex a little more because of it. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. Beauty standards are arbitrary.
You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, very few people stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should necessarily opt for re-growth to “hide” your vadge — you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of — but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop rueing the fact that it doesn’t!
7. Girly-looking vulvas are for little girls.
And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid?
8. The internet is NOT your friend.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. People and their body parts are diverse AF.
Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia may be “neat,” but they aren’t necessarily supposed to be.
10. There are plenty of unfussy fish in the sea.
If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t date with men who use the term “ugly vagina” and make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do date men who are respectful of women and seem genuinely happy to be given access to your genitals. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
Nick, you are soo right! Ha ha! Ladies, most guys that are talking about ugly vaginas don’t get to see a lot of vaginas up close. Johnny’s point was also right on!
I’m a guy. There are no ugly vaginas. There are lots of guys who have never seen a real vagina that are ‘experts’ though.
I just want to say that I feel for women worrying about their vaginas. I for one don’t really care much about how it looks. I would like to say that this though, is not a case of sexism. I have had women and society making me feel bad about my penis for years. I’ve also had women talk for hours about terrible sex with men in front of me further making me feel really worried. This is something both sexes do in order to escape insecurity about their sexuality. Its a little game we all like to play. After years of staring at my penis to make sure its ok, I realized that it is fine. Just like your vagina is fine. When it comes down to it, that guy doesn’t care. He is just saying that to give himself the upper hand in the insecurity game. Don’t let it work.
Haha omg, this is great. I smiled the entire time while reading this. I honestly can’t ever imagine any vagina being ugly.. But I know a lot of guys can and mine would be included in that. Thank you for this beautiful article.
Love life, enjoy sex & immediately dismiss the idea of an “ugly” vagina from your brains.
Who are these CRAZIES? Who gives a FUCK if the person you are with doesn’t have a vag like your favorite porn star? Newsflash – THEY’RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Vaginas come in many varieties, just like penises. This is such a non-issue.
I never understood why vaginas were considered to be like flowers because well, I look at mine standing up in the mirror and it basically looks like this W, right ladies?
To the lady with twins whose husband calls here names – dump the mother trucker immediately. You don’t need a minute of that – you bore & birthed 2 children! That were his too! What a pig from hell.
Congrats on your feat of carrying and birthing 2 babies!
First off; many women with long inner lips find the sensation of penetration painful as it drags the lips into the vagina and it feels super painful. So don’t judge anyone for getting labiaplasty. I get most of the response however
I have one issue with this; I rarely see ‘neat’ vag in porn. Loose looking lips aren’t appealing to me either and I’m a straight woman. I am often looking for porn and I’m always seeing those crudely labelled ‘roast beef’ types. Humans are chemically driven to like symmetry. Obviously their are exceptions. I don’t have to love everything about the opposite sex, I’m not a fan of bent dicks or hairy men, and it’s not because of porn. I developed preferences on my own. Some men like neat and don’t want hair in their mouths during oral (same for girls!) some men like the lips because they’re fun to tease and play with. Requiring or expecting people to think parts of should be attractive to them isn’t a healthy expectation.
I love my vagina. Libia sticking out and dark colour. The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice lol. When I was younger I hated the way it looked. 22 years old now and I don’t care. If he says it smells and tastes good then thats good enough for me. Us ladies always seem to find something wrong with ourselves physically all the time even if we are told that we are beautiful… The sooner you accept your body, the happier you will be…
This issue is mostly New World Order control over womens bodies and minds. Making us obsess about non-issues instead of real things like: They think rape is mostly justifiable, abortions are never permissible, daycare should be paid by you, not the state, women earn less, pay more for healthcare and dry cleaners, there is a pervasive paedophilic sexualization of pre-teens and teens and on and on.
Having a pussy that looks like a pornstar is not a priority.
That said, I do condone surgery if the labia are interfering with whatever they could be interfering with but not your ego.
I understand having preferences but not prejudices. No cock or pussy is ugly. Ever.
Be happy with the cock/pussy you have.
Take pleasure in it and the parts of the one you are with. A good and loving attitude towards each others genitals and your own will reward you a million times over!
Wow.
I don’t give a fuck what a man thinks about how my pussy looks.
I care that he likes the smell, taste and feel of it. That is the important part.
My pussy is crazy orgasmic, smells good and lo-ves sex. And that is good enough. In fact better than good enough!
Cocks and balls look ridiculous. Seriously. All of our bits are weird!
My labia minora are big. All I can say about what I have experienced sexually is that it seems to offer more texture and sensation than not having them be prominent.
I have a brazilian wax not because I think it looks good. In fact I think bald and semi bald pussies look a little embarassing but for me it feels better for sex.
I came to this site because my new lover has a definite phobia regarding her vulva. She thinks it’s ugly, but she’s apparently never really looked at herself or explored. I think she’s gorgeous, but she refers to her vulva as “down there”, and if I make love to her orally, I have to go brush my teeth before she’ll kiss me again. She denies sexual abuse, and claims not to know the source of her dislike of her anatomy. She also doesn’t enjoy extended foreplay or touching of her genitals. She wants an orgasm fast, and then can’t bear to be touched for a while because of the sensitivity. I’m 57, and have known many women. I love all vulva’s, the look, smell and taste. I’ve never met anyone like my current lady though, and it doesn’t affect my love for her, but I would like to be able to understand her better, and I feel like she’s missing out on a lot of pleasure. Any ideas ladies?
I am 20 years old and i have not had sex due to the fact i thought my vagina was “ugly”. i couldnt bare the thought of someone else seeing it when i couldnt even look at it myself! I am not completely over this but your article has helped a lot thank you!
I’m also one of so many self concious women about our anatomy. I’m 42 and my vulva is a lil wrinkly and a lil loose, I don’t like it 🙁 . I have a boyfriend, he is doing time right now, but he will be out next year, and my biggest fear is that when we start our sexual relationship and he sees my vulva he will get grossed out or something. It’s probably all in my head, but i’m just scared of that.
Oh man.. you know whats funny? I totally hate how my vagina looks.. like seriously its gross to me, call it what you like, say I’m in denial w/e I still thinks its gross and personally, I’d like to know if there ARE ways to lighten up the color, just because I personally don’t like the way it looks. My fiance? He could care less about what it looks like, if I shave or not, but I do..
So meh, maybe its not all just guys x) I’m probably just as bad lol
But yeah, I guess I can understand but then again its kinda the same as us chicks looking at a guy whos circumcised and being grossed out or thinking that ugly. (personally, my fiance is “uncut” hehe looove it! -w-) So I guess it’s just how you feel, if you like it you do, if you don’t well thats just how it is.
I mean, come on, how many of us have certain standards, like “I won’t date someone whos obese”, or “I won’t date a guy with a small ****” We all do it, even in small ways, so is it really fair to critisize guys or chicks who have preferences for “porn vaginas” or “uncut penises”?