There’s no such thing as an “ugly vagina.” Here’s why…
Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina.
Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
— “Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oy. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news about your “ugly vagina”:
We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
What the double-standard fuck? Know this: they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news:
Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. There’s no such thing as abnormal.
Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. Blame porn.
You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Labiaplasty schmabiaplasty.
Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm — and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips probably won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. Love (and often mere lust) conquers all.
The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in head over heels for the man attached to that penis, so too will most men be a-ok with your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Can you say “nerve endings”?
Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, some of them may enjoy sex a little more because of it. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. Beauty standards are arbitrary.
You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, very few people stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should necessarily opt for re-growth to “hide” your vadge — you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of — but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop rueing the fact that it doesn’t!
7. Girly-looking vulvas are for little girls.
And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid?
8. The internet is NOT your friend.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. People and their body parts are diverse AF.
Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia may be “neat,” but they aren’t necessarily supposed to be.
10. There are plenty of unfussy fish in the sea.
If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t date with men who use the term “ugly vagina” and make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do date men who are respectful of women and seem genuinely happy to be given access to your genitals. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
I found this site by Googling ‘ugly pussies’. I have been watching porn for the last few months and was curious of the high percentage of women with IMO, hideous hanging vulvas. As a Lesbian I have seen many vaginas and have never came across anyone whose inner lips could be seen without ‘spreading’. I automatically thought they(porn stars) were simply ‘overused’. This article has opened my eyes, I didn’t know women where born with ‘extra skin’. It does make perfect sense, women have various body types…so EVERYTHING would be included in the mix. Great article:)
I only brought the weigh issue in, Lucy, as an example of how people need to turn the tables of judgement in order to feel good about their own bodies. I know weight is an entirely separate subject. I was just hurt by the way they implied that my small neat vulva somehow makes sex less pleasurable for me than someone with long inner lips. That’s all. I believe we can help people feel good about their bodies without making others feel BAD about theirs!
I’m a bit shocked at some of the responses from women in this thread… bringing weight into the vagina-shape discussion? Weight has nothing to do with the shape of your vagina. I think it’s great that you’re in-shape and happy with your body… there’s no need to slam anyone here at all. Just because you “take care of yourself” does not mean you will not have a symetrical vagina.
I repeat. WEIGHT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SHAPE OF A VAGINA.
As other people have said, if you love someone, you love their bits… massive or tiny… there is nothing wrong with liking a “neat” vagina, and nothing wrong with liking an asymetrical vagina.
The same goes for male genitalia. There’s no point in me talking about my personal examples of this as I’m just one person, for reference sakes though I don’t care what shape a man’s penis is. However, out of the 100’s of women that I have known and discussed sex with, I know only two women who have admitted to only liking a certain shape of penis, and neither of those women would call it a deal-breaker, either.
I think the only “normal” preference to have regarding genitalia is that we don’t want our partners bits to look like a childs genitalia. This is not to say that I totally agree with the opinion that women (or men) should NOT shave because of this. You can still shave without looking like a child.
If genitalia is a deal-breaker for you then it is my opinion that you’re pretty shallow… but what shallow person cares that they are shallow? However just the nature of a lack-of-depth means that you are already hightening your chances of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
Already my comment is too long, I could go on about this forever. I just don’t like how we got to this place in society at all. As Chris said earlier “porn has probably screwed up our whole generation.”
Maruato, I also completely agree with everything you said. Don’t feel bad about your dainty slit! Small inner labia are not some sort of sexual punishment; my “neat” pussy has certainly never denied me pleasure or orgasms.
@maruato
Totally agree!!! I am thin, work hard to stay in shape, and have “compact non visible” inner labia. I have women treat me unkindly out of their insecurities, say anorexia comments. Those are not ribs, they are abdominal muscles – serratus or intercoastals. I am completely shaved…..have yet to meet a man who hates that look. It feels better, and who wants to perform oral sex with all that nasty shit in your face. I love giving head & pleasing – but only when man is closely trimmed or shaved. I gag otherwise…..yuck. Manscape already! Maybe you’re right that there are more nerve endings in large inner labia. I believe the best sex & orgasms come from feeling confident about your body. So……for the other side, with shaved, tidy, compact pussy, we also look amazing!!!!!
Okay, I was with you until reason #5. Then I got pissed. You are saying now that large inner labia is BETTER? Are you saying my small inner labia is making me less orgasmic, and I am not experiencing the same pleasure as these women with “ugly” vulvas? Now you just made me feel bad about my “neat, perfect vagina.” I will never understand why we cant make the self-conscious feel good about themselves without putting down the other side of the spectrum! Its just like how overweight women cant embrace and love their bodies without first telling skinny women (like me) that we aren’t what men want and that no one finds us sexy and that we are anorexic bags of bones a gross. Why couldn’t you just say BOTH are good. Your statement about large inner labia making sex better is bollocks and downright hurtful. Shame on you. I didn’t even read the last five reasons.
Pierre, totally agree with you!
I too prefer woman who is natural, hate the shaved off..just love them for being themselves! Woman are to be loved, there is no such thing as ugly Vagina..love how it “blossoms” with the right kisses.. :p
I am a bloke and have recently only just encountered these discussions, I feel really bad if I have ever added to the stereotype of neater is better. I agree porn has probably screwed up our whole generation.
However isn’t it wierd to say all vulvas HAVE to be considered beautiful as certaintly society doesn’t say or think all penises are perfect!
Unfortunatly society will always want to push some stereotype or other, maybe better sex ed is needed!!
I think it all comes down to the person, if you love someone, you’re normally into what they look like. No one should ever make you feel bad for what you look like!
@ Justin, thanks for commenting! We really do play the insecurity game and I’m always having to reassure my partner about whether he is ‘big enough, wide enough, shaped normally, curved wrong, long enough, hard enough, good enough’. Porn does not make sex education. All penises, all vulvas, all breasts, all bums are perfect and gorgeous as they are- naturally!
Pierre has said it all.
It’s a personal preference that’s all and anyone is entitled to like what they like. If someone finds one look more appealing than another then than live and let live. I wouldn’t critize a man who is attracted to tall, blondes with huge boobs but I know that I wouldn’t never be his girlfriend. No offense taken he likes what he likes and he’s entitled to it that doesn’t make me hate my height and if I allowed personal preferences change how I see myself then I’m the one that needs help.
I must say at first I was a little taken back by my girlfriends Vulvas because from my experience from past girls and yes watching porn I had not seen one like that. Its funny at first I also wondered how it got like that and I thought jeez probably a lot of sex, or her ex must have been huge! But I loved her and she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen so it did not matter to me one way or the other. I did always wonder though until I fell upon this thread. I am glad now I am more educated!
Vulvas, just like breasts, just look their best when they are NATURAL.
I really hate the tendency nowadays for the shaved look and the trimmed pussy lips, there’s nothing left! I agree with the authors: who wants a vulva that looks like a 7-year-old’s?
Bring back the 70s when women were natural, confident, and not put under so much stress about what is supposedly “normal”.
I for one put in one more guy’s vote for just loving women for being women! And for enjoying sex with a woman because I love her AS A PERSON and therefore find her attractive, not because her anatomy matches a blueprint of what is supposedly perfect.
There is nothing to feel self conscious about. I found that women that have large “lips” enjoy oral sex much more and have more and easier orgasms. If a guy has the chance to become your lover, he is thanking his lucky stars to just get a near you. Enjoy your condition, many guys would love to enjoy it as well.
Well if women are going to say men need circumcision to improve the appearance of their penis, then I think its only fitting you ladies do the same.
No seriously why cant we all just love what is there naturally ?