There’s no such thing as an “ugly vagina.” Here’s why…
Dear Em & Lo,
A male acquaintance recently started a conversation about “ugly” vaginas with my friends and me. He said that some vaginas resemble “kebabs” and that a lot of guys are really put off sex when they get a hot girl naked and find that her vagina isn’t as “neat” as they imagined it would be. It made me feel really self-conscious about my own, even though I never have been before.
Anyways, as I have never really seen many vaginas before, I decided to Google “ugly vaginas.” I was curious about what an ugly vagina actually is, and whether mine was one of them. Oh my god! I was shocked. What I thought was normal is actually “kebab-like”!!!! There were images of “beautiful” and “ugly” vaginas. The Vagina Institute in particular compares the two. The “beautiful” ones have plump outer labia and you can’t see the inner labia poking out from them…but the ugly ones are just like mine, when you can see the inner lips slightly.
It has made me feel so self-conscious. I hate to think of my ex and future partners being turned off by my vagina, especially as I try to keep it neat by trimming and waxing! Now I feel like growing a bush to try and hide my lips! The horrible things is, I think when I was younger my vagina was more beautiful (I’ve seen the pictures of me running around naked on the beach as a child)…at least it looked more like the beautiful vagina pictures. It looked more like a little bottom than an adult vagina.
Do you think that I have made it look worse by having lots of sex or something? Or is it just where I am older (I am 22 now). Can you have surgery on your vagina? I really want my inner lips to be made smaller. Is it possible?
— “Ugly” Betty
Dear U.B.,
Oy. Where do we start? We could write an entire book on this topic. And it would involve a lot of ranting and swear words. Let’s try for the abridged version.
First of all, the bad news about your “ugly vagina”:
We hate to say it, but yes, there are plenty of guys out there who, like your pal, use terms like “roast beef” or “kebab” to describe what they consider to be “ugly vaginas.” (Ignoramuses! The correct terminology for external female genitalia is vulvas, not vaginas, so we’ll be using that from here on out.) We wish we didn’t live in the kind of world where sexist idiots come up with insulting names for female anatomy, but damn it, we do, and much as we’d like to lie to you and tell you that all guys are just happy to get access to any vulva, no matter what it looks like, we can’t.
These same guys will probably tell you (if you ply them with enough drinks) that a so-called “ugly vagina”, where the inner lips protrude beyond the outer lips, looks that way because the woman has had too much sex. And this is why they find “imperfect” genitalia a turn-off — it makes them think the vagina has too much “mileage.”
What the double-standard fuck? Know this: they’re flat-out wrong. Sex does not make your labia “grow.” Let’s say that one more time: The size and shape of a woman’s labia has nothing to do with the number of notches on her bedpost.
But now the good news:
Just because some guys think this way, doesn’t mean they all do. Nor does it mean you have to put up with it. Say no to vulva prejudice! Here are ten things you should know that may help you fight the good fight.
1. There’s no such thing as abnormal.
Even though seedy quack operations like the Vagina “Institute” (no link for them, they’re assholes) will tell you that vulvas like yours are “abnormal,” they’re not. There’s no such thing as abnormal when it comes to labes. (Okay, maybe if you could play hackysack with your inner labia, that would be a bit abnormal.) Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Most women’s aren’t symmetrical, and it’s incredibly common for a woman’s inner labia to protrude beyond the outer labia. (It’s for this reason that we always use the terms “inner labia” and “outer labia” rather than “labia majora” and “labia minora,” which falsely represent the scale).
2. Blame porn.
You know the only place where the vast majority of vulvas do look “perfect” (i.e. the same)? Porn. And it’s for the same reason that most of the ladies in porn have big boobs: It’s a job requirement, so if they weren’t born that way, they go under the knife to get that way. It stands to reason, therefore, that guys who watch a ton of porn are more likely to have strong (and wrong) opinions about your labia. Check out this Australian (NSFW!) report on how porn is responsible for the rise in labiaplasty operations.
3. Labiaplasty schmabiaplasty.
Yes, you can have surgery on labia. And NO, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS. If you don’t believe us, Dr. Kate says the same thing. Your labia are full of nerve endings. Every day we are inundated with letters from women saying they can’t orgasm — and you want to lessen your chances?!! Labiaplasty (that’s the “technical” term) to trim your inner lips probably won’t make sex feel better for you, and it definitely could make sex less pleasurable or even painful.
4. Love (and often mere lust) conquers all.
The more a guy is into you, the less likely he is to give a shit what your vulva looks like. Sure, there are some guys out there who have an unbending aesthetic preference, love be damned, just as there are some women out there who can’t imagine sticking it out with a guy who’s less than average-sized. But just as most women will overlook a man’s size if they’re in head over heels for the man attached to that penis, so too will most men be a-ok with your labia. Hey, it’s not the worst thing in the world to hold off on getting naked with a guy until you’re sure he likes you for more than just your genitals.
5. Can you say “nerve endings”?
Some of our best friends have classic “ugly” vaginas. And you know what? Anecdotally speaking, some of them may enjoy sex a little more because of it. Like we said, the inner labia are chock-full of nerve endings, and they encase the clitoral head, which means that during intercourse, there’s a whole lot more friction going on. Friction = stimulation = Big Os for her. So there, you vulva fascists.
6. Beauty standards are arbitrary.
You know what we think is ugly? That plucked-chicken look a vulva gets a few weeks after a full Brazilian (or sometimes even a few days after). Sure, maybe that makes us vulva fascists, too, but we’re just saying is all: Back before people started taking it all off down there, very few people stressed out about their “ugly vagina”, so far as we know. We don’t think you should necessarily opt for re-growth to “hide” your vadge — you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of — but you should know that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s, with or without pubic hair. So stop rueing the fact that it doesn’t!
7. Girly-looking vulvas are for little girls.
And you know what? We’re kind of glad that nobody’s adult vulva looks like a little girl’s. Who wants their vulva to look like a 7-year-old’s? Or a little mini tushy on a kid?
8. The internet is NOT your friend.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about a body part, do NOT Google it. The Web is overrun with horny 13-year-olds who have unlimited access to porn and very limited knowledge of real women.
9. People and their body parts are diverse AF.
Libraries are supposed to be “neat.” Office cubicles are supposed to be “neat.” A lawyer’s side part is supposed to be “neat.” Your labia may be “neat,” but they aren’t necessarily supposed to be.
10. There are plenty of unfussy fish in the sea.
If, like us, you wish we didn’t live in this kind of world, then start changing it, one man at a time: Educate your guy friends. Don’t date with men who use the term “ugly vagina” and make you feel self-conscious about your vulva. Do date men who are respectful of women and seem genuinely happy to be given access to your genitals. Educate your female friends. Love your vulva.
Yes, we just lit a patchouli-scented candle.
Em & Lo
It’s a shame (and a sham) that we live in a world where you ladies always take the few outspoken males, who talk about sex like a middle school kid, and lump all men into that category. I know a few assholes like the one mentioned in your article, but that makes up maybe .01 percent of the entire male population. The guys who many women might find as pleasing, respectful companions don’t blab about such ridiculous nonsense. Unfortunately, human nature doesn’t favor nice guys. To be a nice guy is considered by many women to be a doormat, and for some reason women don’t take earnest, sensitive men seriously until they’ve dated every asshole on the planet. even then many don’t get any wiser. If you wanna change the world, then do it. No one is stopping you. the only reason men have been in charge for so long of history is that most women are happy not challenging the status quo, and settle for a role in the background complaining. Everyone’s life is difficult, with the exception of a few, and it’s childish to say things like “men have it so easy”. We don’t. We are constantly blamed for things like not listening by a woman who doesn’t know how to listen. I have been fortunate to have met a diamond in the rough who doesn’t infer with bullshit. She actually knows how to communicate.
That was a great article for confidence boosting, I am of the “ugly” variety, though bald as a coot lol, can’t bear the idea of hair!
I have to say that I agree with some previous posts that comment 5 is really harsh, girls all talk to their friends about this stuff and none of my “neat” amigos have any issues with sex.
What does make a difference however is confidence, if you love yourself and are happy with your partner sex is always fantastic. This is why I am planning to get surgery on my labia. I prefer the “neat” look and feel uncomfortable receiving oral from my partner, he is indifferent to what I look like down there but I want to enjoy every aspect of our sex life to the full.
Everyone should be able to love and appreciate themselves and be empowered to make changes if this is not the case.
i am 20 years old, and have the “longer labia” and thank god i came to this website and and a few more. I just got into a relationship with my best friend, we have known eachother for almost 6 years and we are currently in 2 separate states. Im going to see him soon and I was worried because in the past he’s talked about vaginas and how he hates the “roast beef look.” we Skype sometimes and he wants to see my body almost all the time and i won’t go anywhere past my underwear. It’s really hard to try to be or talk sexual to him when im not feeling too good about myself. i didn’t think it was a problem and hope it wont become one for him. it would suck losing a relationship and friend over something so stupid.
I hope there are a lot of women out there that read this through this thread. .
I was very insecure about my LLS(LongLabiaSexiness<-Clever hey? Haha) most of my youth.
When I met my husband a few years ago, I decided to face my fears and google "what men really thought" about a vagina like mine. Stumbled on a website that contained comments, discussions and explicit(but classy) pictures involving longer labias and was astonished by how much sexier I felt!!
Just like a man saying he'd prefer a "neat" tidy little area. It is all preference.
What I think is interesting is where that preference stems from?
I think my sense of LLS(lol) was heightened immensely by educating myself on the internet.
I think Men who enjoy pornographic material have obviously become accustomed to seeing this so called neat pkg.
Do you think the opinions of men and women would be different if mainstream porn contained all types?
And I don't believe this would have been a topic 50 years ago.
So obviously media influence does play a good and not so good role in our "opinions."
It can create expectations that a man does not understand, but can also show women like myself that their goods are just as tantalizing 😉
Now everyone get off this forum and go enjoy the big OR small beautiful labias in your lives!
-sry for the rant. My first time commenting on a forum 😉
im a guy,aged 26,im in my 4th of studying medicine, i have been with a reasonable number of women, all i have to say is: I LOVE VAGINAS, they ALL look so tasty.
This whole thread is ridiculous. Why would anyone fuss so much over one inner labia that may be a few MILLIMETERS longer than some other one? It’s so minuscule. I am a female and I don’t even want to say if I am “neat” or “ugly” because just using those labels make me disappointed in society. We are ALL neat.
Listen. Some balls are big, some are small, some are hairy, some are smooth, some are white, pink, brown, yellow, some hang to the right, to the left… Some penises are long, some short, some thin, others thick, some straight, curved, smooth, rigid, cut, uncut… Some vaginas are bald, others hairy, some are more plump others are small, LIPS; inner and outer come in ONE general shape that may vary my a few millimeters. There is nothing in this paragraph that should be considered “ugly”
In the end, it’s just a ball sack, just a penis, and just a vagina. If you’re going to be concerned about anything, be concerned that your bits are healthy, clean and working the way they should.
I have a closed in “neat” vagina…. to be honest until I watched the doco on Vagina’s I had no idea there was any other kind. I also read that it’s not normal to have small labia if your a grown womean – well I have plenty of sex and it’s never changed. Don’t put down women with “neat” ones though just becuase so many other women have bigger labias. Who really cares though??? Everyone wishes they could change something about themselves. Just focus on what assets you do have.
I am so glad that I found this thread. For many years I was in a relationship where the jackass used to say that my female genitalia looked the way it did from having a lot of sex with numerous guys. Prior to him I had only been with 3 men so I was a little confused but I let myself believe that if I maybe would have had sex with only one i would still have the “perfect” look. When we would fight he would say nasty things about how he didn’t believe i was a good girl and that he thought I was a whore because of the way I looked down there. After hearing it for so long it took a long time for me to finally look down and think to myself “its pretty”. If you love yourself, you will find confidence and beauty in everyone of your physical attributes. NO ONE has a “perfect” down there. no man or woman, but then again who’s to say what perfect is? Go ahead and Google “pretty pussy” the image results you get will surprise you it is the widest range of different looking genitalia you will see in your life. The funny and interesting part is after all those years of him tearing me down with insecurities, I think he was trying to make up for what his ego told him he was missing. My genitalia actually looks like what that awful “institute” claims “pretty” or “normal” is, its kinda frustrating after so many years of believing it was ugly…even if it was ugly i’d still love it because I now Strongly love myself and everything about me. So again who is or can really be the judge of what “perfect” is? NO ONE!!! I hope my story helps someone. And I wanna say thank you for this article, I hope someone out there who is currently going though the same thing I did years ago gets a chance to read this and see a woman’s body no matter what is pure beauty…just love yourself first!!!
Sigh.. I hate to say it but its kind of a big deal ladies.. And I say that with the utmost respect.
I’m currently dating the love of my life, and I was so terribly devastated to discover that she doesn’t have a neat little box. As this article points out, it’s not the end of the world, and I like her so much that I’ll do what it takes to get past it, but it’s SUCH a turn off for me. I know it has nothing to do with past lovers, but it def gives the impression of an old worn out pussy that’s been around the block a few dozen times… Not exactly what a guy wants to be thinking about while having sex. I’d say it’s comprable to a girl dating a guy with a 3.5 inch wee wee. Can she get past it? I’m sure she could convince herself to look beyond it… But ultimately she’d prob end up craving something more.
Sorry to be pessimistic. Just thought I’d share a mans pov here. I’m sorry to hear that surgery isn’t a viable option..
^ HIYOOOOOO!
LOL @ Matt…maybe your fiancee is on another forum wishing you had “more to play with” down there too. Just a thought.
Personally I like the look of a “neat” vulva, I actually prefer the look better over “ugly” ones. My girlfriend has an “ugly” vulva but it doesnt stop me from enjoying it or loving it! Just the same as I prefer curly haired brunettes(which is what my girlfriend is) over blondes. Do I think blondes are unnatractive? Hell no! Women are beautiful in all colors, shapes and sized.
Ridiculous!!! My fiancé has a “neat” vagina, and I find myself fantasizing about the so called “ugly” vaginas more often than not.. I miss that and wish she had one….. More to play with! =)
Love the article. My ex used to tell me how much he loved my inner lips, which are longer than the outter. I’ve always been self conscious so I appreciate reading things like this.
I’m curious why there are links to what appear to be the same type of trashy web sites that would criticize this larger inner lips just above the comments.
Kristina- just because bitches have been rude to you doesn’t mean you need to stoop to their level and call anybody’s anything “nasty shit”. Sounds like you’re the one that’s insecure.
I think women should be proud of what they’ve got no matter what it is. And I also feel nobody should ever go under the knife unless it’s absolutely necessary.