Sometimes, a comment on our site is so out there, so ill-informed, so close-minded, so staggeringly wrong that we feel compelled to share it, simply so that all of you can join in the chorus of disapproval. Please tell us, dear readers, that this commenter is in the minority amongst you! This post on bisexuality was submitted by reader Bobby B in response to the article, “Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality”:
Your boyfriend is not a bi sexual (there is no such thing having sex with a person of the same gender makes yo a homosexual bi sexual is a word that homo’s have made up to lessen the sting of the fact that they can’t admit just what they are even to themselves) he is a straight up queer who has sex with men.
Your best bet would be to find a man who is not a queer and only has interist in sex witp persons of the opposite gender and then make sure that he does not run off and have sex with every menber of the opposite gender that he meets.
The likelyhood is that you will have a much better outlook on your new boyfriend if you were to stick to faithful hetrosexual males who are attracted to you rather than remaining with a homosexual who needs to have a woman around to convince himself that he is not queer only”bi sexual”.
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Does the average hetero guy really care if his girlfriend/wife has had sex with more people than he has? And if so, why?
Straight Married Guy (Jamie): I may be somewhat in the minority here in that, while I have an extremely liberal philosophy about sex, I haven’t had a particularly high number of sexual partners (I was always a “girlfriend guy” and just didn’t rack up the big numbers). I’ve also never bought into the whole men-as-players/women-as-sluts double standard. Many of the female friends I admire most have had lots of sexual partners, but are also all well-adjusted, independent women. To be honest, I’ve always been more attracted to women who have an air of worldliness. I think it’s a turn-on to be with a woman who is confident sexually and knows what she likes. And if that confidence came at the hands (or whatever) of more former lovers then I’ve had, well that’s just fine by me.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): As a gay man living in a major metropolitan city, I’ve lost track of the amount of sex I’ve had. How then can I hold a partner to a different standard? I recommend that everybody have enough sex so that both the boy and the girl can honestly say, “I’m not really sure,” and leave it at that. That said, I asked my straight cousin, whose wife has always been very sexually free, and he said that his biggest worry had been that their kids’ attitude toward sex would develop far too early as a result, but this has turned out not to be the case. I loathe children, so I’m going to stick with the “I’m not really sure” recommendation.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Totally. He also cares if she’s stronger, smarter, or wealthier than he is. It comes down to our primal need for dominance. Unless a guy’s got a fetish or extreme dominance in one of those areas (i.e., a body-builder won’t care about a girl’s bulging biceps), it’s a turn-off to be second banana or subordinate. Truth be told, he’ll also feel a little bit jealous (it’s a big competition between guys since we were teenagers). And lastly, we want our girl to be a virgin slut, and we need to pretend that if we’re not the first, then at least we’re the best.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Some days, we simply don’t have the time, and others — like today — we don’t have a clue. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Yay for crowd-sourcing grownup swinging! Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
As a married ‘straightish’ couple we have had a very serious love affair for the last 26 years, 25 married. We take pride in our lust for each other and the frequent passionate sex we have. Naturally as we have matured, there have been times we needed to work harder than others to keep the bedtime romps above our 3 times a week threshold (one of us starts to lose it when sex drops below that).
We sleep naked, we shower together and we text and talk dirty fairly often. We’ve had sex in planes, trains, cars, parks, on beaches… Then a few years ago we took a huge risk and visited a Las Vegas sex (swingers) club. It freaked us both out and we ran from it. Then a year ago we tried again at a new venue in NYC called Bowery Bliss.
The first time there was enjoyable enough to both warrant a second visit and to ramp-up our sexual appetite for several weeks after. We were having incredible sex more than 5 times a week. The next few visits were also worthy, with other younger couples gravitating to us and being stunned when they learned of our long marriage and age… then the place changed a bit. The types of couples attending changed too. The sex seemed more mechanical and less passionate… more gratuitous than real sex with real couples. It seemed earlier visits were truer to the rule that woman are in charge and the last two visits were more about guys being guys rather than women being catered to. On one recent visit we didn’t even bother to have sex in the club at all… a first.
We are not sure we will attend that venue again and wonder if we will try anywhere else. So we need to find a way to replace that great experience and hope to find similar adventures somehow.
My wife has high standards when it comes to her sexual satisfaction and activities. Lesbian sex is a big turn on to her and we have yet to find that experience beyond watching porn.
Is there a way or place to find lesbian couples interested in flirting or playing with a bi-sexual woman who is happily married? Are there places like Bowery Bliss that caters to more bisexual and lesbian cliental?
— Mr. and Mrs. Jones
Any thoughts on where Mr. and Mrs. Jones could swing with like-minded grownups, no douches allowed? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.
Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait until they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps, and most likely to get on well with your parents.”
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars really surprised us this week, with quite the unexpected, rash, go-get-’em-tiger guidance for Taurus. So here it is, in its original, unabridged form: “You need to get laid.” Oh you saucy stars!
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
As Roy Orbison sang, “Anything you want, you got it.” Pursue your sexual fantasy this week; it can only strengthen your relationship. Unless you’re not in a relationship and your sexual fantasy involves your best friend’s grandparents, in which case you might want to stay home and live vicariously through old Orbison LPs.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re pretty damn convincing when you use your head. And no, we don’t mean that special head-butt maneuver you learned from Pogba (though that has been “convincing” in the past). You’re going to have to think outside the box this week to get your partner to see things your way. We’re talking seriously out of the box. Like, Transformers-style. “Robots in disguise! More than meets the eye!” Be the robot.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Just because you’re in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash doesn’t mean you should go wherever they lead you. Wait a minute, what are you doing in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash?! This week, the stars tell us that someone you least suspect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. So, you know, you might not want to be wearing a dog leash — it will only make things easier for them.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to lust this week. But you’re not always particularly good at expressing yourself anyway — so consider yourself off the hook! Do unto others as you would have done to yourself . . . with your tongue.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that we’re always encouraging you to “explore your fantasies” and “talk to your partner” and “communicate your dirty little fetish.” And we always say, “How will they know what you want if you don’t tell them,” or, “You don’t know they’ll say no until you ask.” This week, you can scratch all that: for the next seven days, it’s gonna be vanilla ice cream or no ice cream, if you know what we mean.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently you should be all lovey-dovey with your sig oth this week, according to the stars. The stars are so insensitive sometimes, aren’t they? (Not to mention obvious.) What if you don’t have someone to love right now? Like you needed one more reminder that this week would be a particularly nice time to be all loved up. Pshaw! We say, drink beer, eat ice cream, and download Shirley Valentine.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t hide your light under a bushel this week. Hmm, sounds kinda dirty. We mean: Don’t hide all your jiggly bits under baggy clothing. Just kidding, they’re not that jiggly. Let’s try again: Think of the one thing you’re most shy about (voicing your opinions, changing your hair color, changing your mind, changing your underwear) and make an effort to not be shy about that anymore. Feel free to give your reflection in the mirror rousing words of encouragement each morning.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don’t come crying to us when you can’t climax because it was the second case.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be a tease if you’re not prepared to follow through; that hottie will make a fine friend, but a nasty enemy. Fatal Attraction, anyone?
Joan Rivers died yesterday at the age of eighty-one, and we can’t be the only ones to be relieved that she died due to complications following throat surgery — and not, say, while getting another face lift. Because we want to remember her not for her plastic face (she liked to joke that when she died, they’d donate her body to Tupperware) but for the groundbreaking, glass ceiling-smashing comedian that she was. Some people might call her ballsy, but we prefer to say: The woman had labes. She once joked, “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.” Meryl, ya hear that? We really think you should show up.
Without further ado, here are our top ten favorite Joan Rivers quotes about sex and love. (If some of your favorites are missing, it’s because we excluded her most self-deprecating jokes, especially the ones she made later in life, about her own body and her lack of sex appeal.)
1. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
2. It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
3. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.
4. All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
5. It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up who.
6. Never floss with a stranger.
7. Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.
8. Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say “My wife makes a delicious cake” to some hooker?
9. My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
10. Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
When a reader asked “Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker?“, Henry’s response concisely showed how having a better attitude — i.e. being more generous, looking at things from a more positive perspective — can make all the difference in a relationship:
I’ve been married 14 years. I’ve always thought my non-college educated woman a bit “simple.” Recently though, she explained some things about the work she does in such an eloquent way that I realized that perhaps I was all along judging her on my experiences and priorities, not hers.
In honor of today being World Sexual Health Day, our friends at LELO have put together their top ten tips on selecting a sex toy that ensures sexual well-being. Because at least half of what’s out there shouldn’t go anywhere near your private parts! Especially anything labeled “for novelty use only.” Remember, the sex toy industry is still largely unregulated (unlike, say, kid toys or even dog toys) — which means that the onus is on you, dear reader, to find out for yourself what is and isn’t good for your body.
Without further ado, here are the top 10 tips (and they apply to all sex toys, not just those made by LELO!). And don’t forget to follow LELO on Twitter to check out their giveaways all day today! To celebrate this day, they are giving away a set of Luna Beads, a Mona 2and an Ida. (Scroll down for more details.)
1. Look for certifications, avoid fakes
The pleasure product industry, like every industry, has its fraudsters who copy popular products, produce them cheaply and cut all the corners to make a profit. You can steer clear of these products by checking certification and buying from reputable retailers. Check the box also for the phrase “novelty use only” — it’s basically the same as saying “we are not accountable for the safety of this product.”
2. Never, ever settle for second best
When it comes to issues of intimacy, pleasure and health, you shouldn’t compromise. Don’t buy a cheap pleasure product because it looks like an affordable version of a more trustworthy brand. It’s just not worth the risk.
3. Keep your toys clean
Love your pleasure products and they’ll love you back. Treat them well, and they’ll treat you well. Wash them before using them, store them properly, check the materials for breaks, and use anti-bacterial wipes.
4. Sharing is caring, but…
If you’re sharing toys in the heat of the moment, it’s best to cover them with a condom and replace it each time. It’s just good sense, really.
5. Avoid the jellies!
A little knowledge goes a long way when it comes to using pleasure products. For example, the “jelly rubber” many sex toys have been made of is a material that’s been treated with one of any number of plastic softeners, or “phthalates.” Phthalates are potentially harmful, even carcinogenic. It’s that kind of information that will help you make the right buying decision and keep you safe.
6. Choose silicone…
Silicone is a remarkable material, resistant to bacteria and widely used by the most reputable brands in the pleasure product industry. Smooth, comfortable for use and easy to clean, it’s generally a sign the manufacturer is doing things right. Just avoid the sticky kind of silicone, which can attract dust.
7… and pay attention to glass and metals
While these products are excellent for cleaning, make sure any glass products of high-quality and perfectly smooth, while be sure to avoid any metals that may cause allergic reactions.
8. Read Reviews
Go online and check out what people are saying about the pleasure products you’re interested in. There’s a massive online community of sex toy bloggers and reviewers who can be trusted to give you all the information you could need.
9. Website
Make sure you check out the website of the brand who produces your sex toys. If they haven’t invested in a website, perhaps they won’t invest in safety either.
10. Nose-Testing purely for pleasure
And not to forget the pleasure aspect, if you are browsing for products in your local store, try looking like a professional and raising gently to your nose like a wine connoisseur. If the vibrations are strong enough to make you want to sneeze, it’s likely to bring full satisfaction when used elsewhere.
Every time my boyfriend and I “engage,” he turns me on then asks me to give him a BJ. After I do, I’m not as interested anymore. It happens every time. I’m very uncomfortable when I perform a BJ, and it takes away from the pleasure.
I want to know if it’s normal for me to lose interest so quickly, and if I’m being selfish by not wanting to please and not be pleased (he also prefers me to blow him without sex a lot).
Also, why does he ask for head more than sex? Am I doing something wrong sexually, or is it normal?
— Uptown Girl Living in a Downtown World
Dear U.G.L.I.A.D.W.,
We would answer you, except that you’re asking the wrong questions. So, before we can answer your questions, we’re going to rephrase them for you. Here’s what you should have asked:
Q: Is it normal for my boyfriend to ask for a BJ every time we “engage”?
[A: No.]
Q: Is it selfish of him to expect to be pleased without pleasing me?
[A: Hell yes!]
Q: Is it okay if he prefers me to blow him without sex a lot?
[A: If it’s not okay with you, then: Hell no!]
Q: Is he doing something wrong sexually?
[A: YES YES YES YES YES!!! He is paying zero attention to your needs and desires and instead treating you like a human suction machine.]
Okay, so maybe one of your questions did need to be asked:
Q: Am I doing something wrong sexually?
[A: Yes you are! Does your boyfriend have any idea that you feel the way you do? Have you told him? Because before you can accuse him of being a terrible listener, you have to start talking. We’re sure your body is giving off plenty of negative cues, but guys can be pretty blind to those cues, especially when oral is on the table.]
So: Speak up, girl! Start asking the right questions… of him. And if he still won’t listen, then find yourself a decent Uptown Boy instead.
I’ve been married for four months and my husband has no drive. We are both in our 20’s and he refuses me all the time and I am hurt. He bought me a toy but when I use it he calls me disgusting and nasty. Help me! I am drowning in my marriage. It’s his way or the highway.
— Like the Desert Needs the Rain
What should LtDNtR do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.
Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
May we suggest you channel your need to take control into sexual (rather than emotional) endeavors? Every time you feel the need to give your partner career advice, break out the handcuffs instead — and if you’re tempted to tell your sweetie how to handle their mother, grab the riding crop instead. (With their permission, of course. “Em and Lo said we should” is one way to broach the subject.)
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sex is like chess. Actually, sex is nothing like chess. If you think sex is like chess then you’ve been playing too much chess. But relationships — now there’s something that requires as much patience, forethought, and stamina as chess. If you want to check your mate, play wisely.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll surprise a new partner with your witty words and humorous outlook. We’re not suggesting you break out the fake dog doo-doo, rubber snakes, or sneezing powder in bed. Just be sure not to take yourself too seriously, ’cause you’ll need a sense of humor when you make a Whoopie Cushion sound without a Whoopie Cushion the next time you have sex.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Life is like a box of chocolates — you want to sample as many as possible without getting sick or fat. Indulge your desire to sample this week, but beware of biting off more than you can chew. Who knows, you might find your very own Snickers, something that satisfies for a lifetime. Or at least a few months.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule out spending time with someone who interests you intellectually. But this week, we think you’re going to find yourself in the fortunate position of not having to answer the following question: Was it love, or was it the Kanye-Kardashian-esque jet plane to Paris for a private eight-course candle-lit dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower?
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
See that big juicy steak over there? Can you smell the french fries? And, mmm, mmm, mmm, those caramelized onions drizzled over it all are almost too much to bear. So anyway, that steak’s for us, you’re eating leftovers. We bet those leftovers would have tasted pretty good if you hadn’t started to fantasize about our steak, huh?
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, go to your local sex shop and pick up something you’ve never tried before — or never would have even thought of trying: high-quality vibrator with multiple extensions, strap-on with studs, gimp-style ball-gag, edible underwear (on second thought, those things taste terrible), anal beads that jingle, etc. Then run home and convince your partner to play along — gently, gently.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that this summer was long and slow and dry for most of you Scorps out there (at least, it has been for those few Scorps who wrote in and tried to blame it on bad horoscoping). But things are about to change! The stars have decided to take it easy on you. Way easy. In fact, the toughest decision you’ll face this week is who most deserves to be dazzled with your charm and sprinkled with your body glitter. Wish we were there — send us a postcard!
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If Hollywood were high school (wait, you mean Hollywood isn’t one big high school?), then George Clooney would be prom king and homecoming king and class president and captain of the soccer team, too. And try as you might, you just wouldn’t be able to dislike him, because he’d be so nice to all the geeks, even you. Except you don’t live in Hollywood so you don’t have to be the geek, you get to be George Clooney! Yeah, that’s what we meant to say: If your life were Hollywood, then you’d be the impossible-to-resist George Clooney this week. And you didn’t even have to date Renee Zellweger or star in 1988’s Return of the Killer Tomatoes: The Sequel to be that way.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We’re all made of the same stuff. Atomic particles are passing by and through us all the time, from decades ago. This week, some of the particles that once made up Madonna have found their way to your clump of anatomy. Ride the wave…like a virgin!
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Secret affairs will lead to disaster if you don’t control the situation. Shakespeare wasn’t making this shit up, you know.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If ever there were a time to admit to your ultimate fantasy (you know, the one about being a monk in a medieval monastery who gets ravaged by the brethren) as a way to solidify your relationship, then this week is it!
I’ve been in a serious, committed relationship with a gorgeous woman for almost a year. We first met as friends and then somehow found ourselves being more than friends after 9 months or so. During that time, we learned much about what makes the other tick. We have found our personalities, including our sexual appetites and interests, to be very compatible. We communicate well and have been very good about helping each other understand one another. Our lives together have been great including the sex (frequent with lots of O’s).
Here’s how she’s stumped me during sex: a couple of times after she has orgasmed strongly during vaginal intercourse, she’s then bursts into tears. As a guy, I’m a bit freaked (did I do something?) but she tells me that it feels chemically triggered. We take the time to settle back into the groove (she doesn’t want to stop) and then continue almost as if nothing has happened. Do you have any idea what could be going on?
–Tears in Heaven
Dear T.i.H.,
Wow, let us count the ways that your life is totally awesome:
You fell in love with a good friend. Meaning, you like each other’s company (almost) as much as you like each other’s genitals.
Okay, so you’re great friends, but you don’t just like playing Scrabble together; you also have awesome, orgasmic, communicative sex.
You really listen to each other.
Basically, you’re so freakin’ happy you make Pollyanna seem like a downer.
Oh, and one more:
Your girlfriend feels so close to you, and her orgasms feel so intense with you, that sometimes, after she has one, she cries.
Which is totally normal, by the way. The orgasm is a sudden release of this intense hormone build-up in your body — a few blissful seconds (or more) of rhythmic muscle contractions which let all that pent-up sexual energy flow back into the universe, like a whistling teapot from Xanadu. (Aw yeah.)
So it is chemical, in a way — think of it as a very miniaturized, very fleeting version of PMS or post-partum depression. When this happens, some women moan, some sigh, some laugh, some tear up, and many, many women cry. (Apparently some men do, too, by the way.) It’s just the body’s way of putting a period at the end of the sentence. Or rather, in a woman’s case, a semi-colon — lucky ladies get to keep going after an O! Now that’s the kind of run-on sentence we approve of.
Sure, this isn’t always the reason that all women cry after sex. Sometimes women cry because of some issue they’re dealing with — depression, past abuse, negative body image, unhappiness in a relationship, etc. If you suspect that any of these may be the case, that she’s keeping something from you, then you can very gently bring it up outside the bedroom by telling her you care for her very much and just want to make sure she’s alright and is she sure there’s nothing else going on here…? If there is, then maybe she needs some professional help to work through it.
But from everything you say, it doesn’t sound to us like your girlfriend is distressed or traumatized or sad in any way — it’s just her body reacting to all those crazy love chemicals. And if you are really confident that she is telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth about this “chemical trigger,” then the only advice we have for you is to keep doing that thing you do. And always keep a box of Kleenex on your night-stand!
Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:
I dreamt that it was Halloween and I was walking next to a house with a really big display and haunted house when someone runs at me wearing a mask and yelling so I run away. They grab me laughing and take off their mask and it turns out that it’s a man that I know from high school that I’ve previously had sex with and he had a small crush on me. He invites me into his house to hangout. We end up in this barn type enclosure full of hay and we start kissing and have very sweet but intense sex on top of the hay. Then someone walks in on us and my dream is over.
Lauri: Unless this guy has been on your mind or you’ve interacted with him right before this dream, he is probably not playing himself. Instead, he represents some part of yourself that you have masked.
Have you been putting on a front, putting on a display or an act that is not how you truly are? Maybe even putting on a false image of yourself on social media? Whatever the case, your dream seems to be telling you that it is time to remove the façade, put on a brave face and be yourself.
I think your dreaming mind chose to use the guy that used to crush on you to show you that you are totally likeable exactly the way you are; no need to behave in a way that is not true to yourself. The barn and the hay are all about simplifying your life and ridding yourself of unnecessary complications. And the way your dream ends is always where the most important part of the message is… you have a fear of getting caught, getting found out. Come clean before this situation “haunts” you!
When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. As the summer swimming season winds down, today’s installment highlights some of the best underwater kisses (who knew this could be a whole category?).
All posts by Em & Lo
Sometimes, a comment on our site is so out there, so ill-informed, so close-minded, so staggeringly wrong that we feel compelled to share it, simply so that all of you can join in the chorus of disapproval. Please tell us, dear readers, that this commenter is in the minority amongst you! This post on bisexuality was submitted by reader Bobby B in response to the article, “Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality”:
MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:
photo via flickr
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Does the average hetero guy really care if his girlfriend/wife has had sex with more people than he has? And if so, why?
Straight Married Guy (Jamie): I may be somewhat in the minority here in that, while I have an extremely liberal philosophy about sex, I haven’t had a particularly high number of sexual partners (I was always a “girlfriend guy” and just didn’t rack up the big numbers). I’ve also never bought into the whole men-as-players/women-as-sluts double standard. Many of the female friends I admire most have had lots of sexual partners, but are also all well-adjusted, independent women. To be honest, I’ve always been more attracted to women who have an air of worldliness. I think it’s a turn-on to be with a woman who is confident sexually and knows what she likes. And if that confidence came at the hands (or whatever) of more former lovers then I’ve had, well that’s just fine by me.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): As a gay man living in a major metropolitan city, I’ve lost track of the amount of sex I’ve had. How then can I hold a partner to a different standard? I recommend that everybody have enough sex so that both the boy and the girl can honestly say, “I’m not really sure,” and leave it at that. That said, I asked my straight cousin, whose wife has always been very sexually free, and he said that his biggest worry had been that their kids’ attitude toward sex would develop far too early as a result, but this has turned out not to be the case. I loathe children, so I’m going to stick with the “I’m not really sure” recommendation.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Totally. He also cares if she’s stronger, smarter, or wealthier than he is. It comes down to our primal need for dominance. Unless a guy’s got a fetish or extreme dominance in one of those areas (i.e., a body-builder won’t care about a girl’s bulging biceps), it’s a turn-off to be second banana or subordinate. Truth be told, he’ll also feel a little bit jealous (it’s a big competition between guys since we were teenagers). And lastly, we want our girl to be a virgin slut, and we need to pretend that if we’re not the first, then at least we’re the best.
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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Some days, we simply don’t have the time, and others — like today — we don’t have a clue. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Yay for crowd-sourcing grownup swinging! Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
As a married ‘straightish’ couple we have had a very serious love affair for the last 26 years, 25 married. We take pride in our lust for each other and the frequent passionate sex we have. Naturally as we have matured, there have been times we needed to work harder than others to keep the bedtime romps above our 3 times a week threshold (one of us starts to lose it when sex drops below that).
We sleep naked, we shower together and we text and talk dirty fairly often. We’ve had sex in planes, trains, cars, parks, on beaches… Then a few years ago we took a huge risk and visited a Las Vegas sex (swingers) club. It freaked us both out and we ran from it. Then a year ago we tried again at a new venue in NYC called Bowery Bliss.
The first time there was enjoyable enough to both warrant a second visit and to ramp-up our sexual appetite for several weeks after. We were having incredible sex more than 5 times a week. The next few visits were also worthy, with other younger couples gravitating to us and being stunned when they learned of our long marriage and age… then the place changed a bit. The types of couples attending changed too. The sex seemed more mechanical and less passionate… more gratuitous than real sex with real couples. It seemed earlier visits were truer to the rule that woman are in charge and the last two visits were more about guys being guys rather than women being catered to. On one recent visit we didn’t even bother to have sex in the club at all… a first.
We are not sure we will attend that venue again and wonder if we will try anywhere else. So we need to find a way to replace that great experience and hope to find similar adventures somehow.
My wife has high standards when it comes to her sexual satisfaction and activities. Lesbian sex is a big turn on to her and we have yet to find that experience beyond watching porn.
Is there a way or place to find lesbian couples interested in flirting or playing with a bi-sexual woman who is happily married? Are there places like Bowery Bliss that caters to more bisexual and lesbian cliental?
— Mr. and Mrs. Jones
Any thoughts on where Mr. and Mrs. Jones could swing with like-minded grownups, no douches allowed? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.
Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait until they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps, and most likely to get on well with your parents.”
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars really surprised us this week, with quite the unexpected, rash, go-get-’em-tiger guidance for Taurus. So here it is, in its original, unabridged form: “You need to get laid.” Oh you saucy stars!
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
As Roy Orbison sang, “Anything you want, you got it.” Pursue your sexual fantasy this week; it can only strengthen your relationship. Unless you’re not in a relationship and your sexual fantasy involves your best friend’s grandparents, in which case you might want to stay home and live vicariously through old Orbison LPs.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re pretty damn convincing when you use your head. And no, we don’t mean that special head-butt maneuver you learned from Pogba (though that has been “convincing” in the past). You’re going to have to think outside the box this week to get your partner to see things your way. We’re talking seriously out of the box. Like, Transformers-style. “Robots in disguise! More than meets the eye!” Be the robot.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Just because you’re in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash doesn’t mean you should go wherever they lead you. Wait a minute, what are you doing in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash?! This week, the stars tell us that someone you least suspect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. So, you know, you might not want to be wearing a dog leash — it will only make things easier for them.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to lust this week. But you’re not always particularly good at expressing yourself anyway — so consider yourself off the hook! Do unto others as you would have done to yourself . . . with your tongue.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that we’re always encouraging you to “explore your fantasies” and “talk to your partner” and “communicate your dirty little fetish.” And we always say, “How will they know what you want if you don’t tell them,” or, “You don’t know they’ll say no until you ask.” This week, you can scratch all that: for the next seven days, it’s gonna be vanilla ice cream or no ice cream, if you know what we mean.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently you should be all lovey-dovey with your sig oth this week, according to the stars. The stars are so insensitive sometimes, aren’t they? (Not to mention obvious.) What if you don’t have someone to love right now? Like you needed one more reminder that this week would be a particularly nice time to be all loved up. Pshaw! We say, drink beer, eat ice cream, and download Shirley Valentine.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t hide your light under a bushel this week. Hmm, sounds kinda dirty. We mean: Don’t hide all your jiggly bits under baggy clothing. Just kidding, they’re not that jiggly. Let’s try again: Think of the one thing you’re most shy about (voicing your opinions, changing your hair color, changing your mind, changing your underwear) and make an effort to not be shy about that anymore. Feel free to give your reflection in the mirror rousing words of encouragement each morning.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don’t come crying to us when you can’t climax because it was the second case.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be a tease if you’re not prepared to follow through; that hottie will make a fine friend, but a nasty enemy. Fatal Attraction, anyone?
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Joan Rivers died yesterday at the age of eighty-one, and we can’t be the only ones to be relieved that she died due to complications following throat surgery — and not, say, while getting another face lift. Because we want to remember her not for her plastic face (she liked to joke that when she died, they’d donate her body to Tupperware) but for the groundbreaking, glass ceiling-smashing comedian that she was. Some people might call her ballsy, but we prefer to say: The woman had labes. She once joked, “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.” Meryl, ya hear that? We really think you should show up.
Without further ado, here are our top ten favorite Joan Rivers quotes about sex and love. (If some of your favorites are missing, it’s because we excluded her most self-deprecating jokes, especially the ones she made later in life, about her own body and her lack of sex appeal.)
1. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
2. It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
3. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.
4. All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
5. It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up who.
6. Never floss with a stranger.
7. Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.
8. Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say “My wife makes a delicious cake” to some hooker?
9. My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
10. Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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When a reader asked “Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker?“, Henry’s response concisely showed how having a better attitude — i.e. being more generous, looking at things from a more positive perspective — can make all the difference in a relationship:
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In honor of today being World Sexual Health Day, our friends at LELO have put together their top ten tips on selecting a sex toy that ensures sexual well-being. Because at least half of what’s out there shouldn’t go anywhere near your private parts! Especially anything labeled “for novelty use only.” Remember, the sex toy industry is still largely unregulated (unlike, say, kid toys or even dog toys) — which means that the onus is on you, dear reader, to find out for yourself what is and isn’t good for your body.
Without further ado, here are the top 10 tips (and they apply to all sex toys, not just those made by LELO!). And don’t forget to follow LELO on Twitter to check out their giveaways all day today! To celebrate this day, they are giving away a set of Luna Beads, a Mona 2 and an Ida. (Scroll down for more details.)
1. Look for certifications, avoid fakes
The pleasure product industry, like every industry, has its fraudsters who copy popular products, produce them cheaply and cut all the corners to make a profit. You can steer clear of these products by checking certification and buying from reputable retailers. Check the box also for the phrase “novelty use only” — it’s basically the same as saying “we are not accountable for the safety of this product.”
2. Never, ever settle for second best
When it comes to issues of intimacy, pleasure and health, you shouldn’t compromise. Don’t buy a cheap pleasure product because it looks like an affordable version of a more trustworthy brand. It’s just not worth the risk.
3. Keep your toys clean
Love your pleasure products and they’ll love you back. Treat them well, and they’ll treat you well. Wash them before using them, store them properly, check the materials for breaks, and use anti-bacterial wipes.
4. Sharing is caring, but…
If you’re sharing toys in the heat of the moment, it’s best to cover them with a condom and replace it each time. It’s just good sense, really.
5. Avoid the jellies!
A little knowledge goes a long way when it comes to using pleasure products. For example, the “jelly rubber” many sex toys have been made of is a material that’s been treated with one of any number of plastic softeners, or “phthalates.” Phthalates are potentially harmful, even carcinogenic. It’s that kind of information that will help you make the right buying decision and keep you safe.
6. Choose silicone…
Silicone is a remarkable material, resistant to bacteria and widely used by the most reputable brands in the pleasure product industry. Smooth, comfortable for use and easy to clean, it’s generally a sign the manufacturer is doing things right. Just avoid the sticky kind of silicone, which can attract dust.
7… and pay attention to glass and metals
While these products are excellent for cleaning, make sure any glass products of high-quality and perfectly smooth, while be sure to avoid any metals that may cause allergic reactions.
8. Read Reviews
Go online and check out what people are saying about the pleasure products you’re interested in. There’s a massive online community of sex toy bloggers and reviewers who can be trusted to give you all the information you could need.
9. Website
Make sure you check out the website of the brand who produces your sex toys. If they haven’t invested in a website, perhaps they won’t invest in safety either.
10. Nose-Testing purely for pleasure
And not to forget the pleasure aspect, if you are browsing for products in your local store, try looking like a professional and raising gently to your nose like a wine connoisseur. If the vibrations are strong enough to make you want to sneeze, it’s likely to bring full satisfaction when used elsewhere.
Here are the winners of LELO’s “UnDesign Award,” which asked designers in three categories to replace connectivity with genuine connection:
1. Fashion & Accessories Winner
Title: “Toque”
Designer: Aline Darc Piculo dos Santos
What: Lingerie with a micro sensor of touch that lights up when someone touches it.
About: “Nowadays, everyone is busy…” READ MORE
2. Graphic, Illustration & Painting Winner
Title: “Helios”
Designer: Ana D’Apuzzo
What: A series of paintings dedicated to the Sun, “celebrating its Energy, Love and Life and its connection with a humans and nature.”
About: “I experienced the bad side of life…” READ MORE
3. Technology, Products and Spaces Winner
Title: “The City Lung”
Designer: Floriane Aubrit, Dan Baczynski, Paul Bouisset, Corentin Fabry
What: A “living” object that represents the air pollution index of different cities around the world.
About: “The aim of our object is to gather people…” READ MORE
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Dear Em & Lo,
Every time my boyfriend and I “engage,” he turns me on then asks me to give him a BJ. After I do, I’m not as interested anymore. It happens every time. I’m very uncomfortable when I perform a BJ, and it takes away from the pleasure.
I want to know if it’s normal for me to lose interest so quickly, and if I’m being selfish by not wanting to please and not be pleased (he also prefers me to blow him without sex a lot).
Also, why does he ask for head more than sex? Am I doing something wrong sexually, or is it normal?
— Uptown Girl Living in a Downtown World
Dear U.G.L.I.A.D.W.,
We would answer you, except that you’re asking the wrong questions. So, before we can answer your questions, we’re going to rephrase them for you. Here’s what you should have asked:
Q: Is it normal for my boyfriend to ask for a BJ every time we “engage”?
[A: No.]
Q: Is it selfish of him to expect to be pleased without pleasing me?
[A: Hell yes!]
Q: Is it okay if he prefers me to blow him without sex a lot?
[A: If it’s not okay with you, then: Hell no!]
Q: Is he doing something wrong sexually?
[A: YES YES YES YES YES!!! He is paying zero attention to your needs and desires and instead treating you like a human suction machine.]
Okay, so maybe one of your questions did need to be asked:
Q: Am I doing something wrong sexually?
[A: Yes you are! Does your boyfriend have any idea that you feel the way you do? Have you told him? Because before you can accuse him of being a terrible listener, you have to start talking. We’re sure your body is giving off plenty of negative cues, but guys can be pretty blind to those cues, especially when oral is on the table.]
So: Speak up, girl! Start asking the right questions… of him. And if he still won’t listen, then find yourself a decent Uptown Boy instead.
Kisses,
Em & Lo
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photo via Flickr
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been married for four months and my husband has no drive. We are both in our 20’s and he refuses me all the time and I am hurt. He bought me a toy but when I use it he calls me disgusting and nasty. Help me! I am drowning in my marriage. It’s his way or the highway.
— Like the Desert Needs the Rain
What should LtDNtR do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.
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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
May we suggest you channel your need to take control into sexual (rather than emotional) endeavors? Every time you feel the need to give your partner career advice, break out the handcuffs instead — and if you’re tempted to tell your sweetie how to handle their mother, grab the riding crop instead. (With their permission, of course. “Em and Lo said we should” is one way to broach the subject.)
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sex is like chess. Actually, sex is nothing like chess. If you think sex is like chess then you’ve been playing too much chess. But relationships — now there’s something that requires as much patience, forethought, and stamina as chess. If you want to check your mate, play wisely.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll surprise a new partner with your witty words and humorous outlook. We’re not suggesting you break out the fake dog doo-doo, rubber snakes, or sneezing powder in bed. Just be sure not to take yourself too seriously, ’cause you’ll need a sense of humor when you make a Whoopie Cushion sound without a Whoopie Cushion the next time you have sex.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Life is like a box of chocolates — you want to sample as many as possible without getting sick or fat. Indulge your desire to sample this week, but beware of biting off more than you can chew. Who knows, you might find your very own Snickers, something that satisfies for a lifetime. Or at least a few months.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule out spending time with someone who interests you intellectually. But this week, we think you’re going to find yourself in the fortunate position of not having to answer the following question: Was it love, or was it the Kanye-Kardashian-esque jet plane to Paris for a private eight-course candle-lit dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower?
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
See that big juicy steak over there? Can you smell the french fries? And, mmm, mmm, mmm, those caramelized onions drizzled over it all are almost too much to bear. So anyway, that steak’s for us, you’re eating leftovers. We bet those leftovers would have tasted pretty good if you hadn’t started to fantasize about our steak, huh?
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, go to your local sex shop and pick up something you’ve never tried before — or never would have even thought of trying: high-quality vibrator with multiple extensions, strap-on with studs, gimp-style ball-gag, edible underwear (on second thought, those things taste terrible), anal beads that jingle, etc. Then run home and convince your partner to play along — gently, gently.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that this summer was long and slow and dry for most of you Scorps out there (at least, it has been for those few Scorps who wrote in and tried to blame it on bad horoscoping). But things are about to change! The stars have decided to take it easy on you. Way easy. In fact, the toughest decision you’ll face this week is who most deserves to be dazzled with your charm and sprinkled with your body glitter. Wish we were there — send us a postcard!
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If Hollywood were high school (wait, you mean Hollywood isn’t one big high school?), then George Clooney would be prom king and homecoming king and class president and captain of the soccer team, too. And try as you might, you just wouldn’t be able to dislike him, because he’d be so nice to all the geeks, even you. Except you don’t live in Hollywood so you don’t have to be the geek, you get to be George Clooney! Yeah, that’s what we meant to say: If your life were Hollywood, then you’d be the impossible-to-resist George Clooney this week. And you didn’t even have to date Renee Zellweger or star in 1988’s Return of the Killer Tomatoes: The Sequel to be that way.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We’re all made of the same stuff. Atomic particles are passing by and through us all the time, from decades ago. This week, some of the particles that once made up Madonna have found their way to your clump of anatomy. Ride the wave…like a virgin!
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Secret affairs will lead to disaster if you don’t control the situation. Shakespeare wasn’t making this shit up, you know.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If ever there were a time to admit to your ultimate fantasy (you know, the one about being a monk in a medieval monastery who gets ravaged by the brethren) as a way to solidify your relationship, then this week is it!
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Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been in a serious, committed relationship with a gorgeous woman for almost a year. We first met as friends and then somehow found ourselves being more than friends after 9 months or so. During that time, we learned much about what makes the other tick. We have found our personalities, including our sexual appetites and interests, to be very compatible. We communicate well and have been very good about helping each other understand one another. Our lives together have been great including the sex (frequent with lots of O’s).
Here’s how she’s stumped me during sex: a couple of times after she has orgasmed strongly during vaginal intercourse, she’s then bursts into tears. As a guy, I’m a bit freaked (did I do something?) but she tells me that it feels chemically triggered. We take the time to settle back into the groove (she doesn’t want to stop) and then continue almost as if nothing has happened. Do you have any idea what could be going on?
–Tears in Heaven
Dear T.i.H.,
Wow, let us count the ways that your life is totally awesome:
Oh, and one more:
Which is totally normal, by the way. The orgasm is a sudden release of this intense hormone build-up in your body — a few blissful seconds (or more) of rhythmic muscle contractions which let all that pent-up sexual energy flow back into the universe, like a whistling teapot from Xanadu. (Aw yeah.)
So it is chemical, in a way — think of it as a very miniaturized, very fleeting version of PMS or post-partum depression. When this happens, some women moan, some sigh, some laugh, some tear up, and many, many women cry. (Apparently some men do, too, by the way.) It’s just the body’s way of putting a period at the end of the sentence. Or rather, in a woman’s case, a semi-colon — lucky ladies get to keep going after an O! Now that’s the kind of run-on sentence we approve of.
Sure, this isn’t always the reason that all women cry after sex. Sometimes women cry because of some issue they’re dealing with — depression, past abuse, negative body image, unhappiness in a relationship, etc. If you suspect that any of these may be the case, that she’s keeping something from you, then you can very gently bring it up outside the bedroom by telling her you care for her very much and just want to make sure she’s alright and is she sure there’s nothing else going on here…? If there is, then maybe she needs some professional help to work through it.
But from everything you say, it doesn’t sound to us like your girlfriend is distressed or traumatized or sad in any way — it’s just her body reacting to all those crazy love chemicals. And if you are really confident that she is telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth about this “chemical trigger,” then the only advice we have for you is to keep doing that thing you do. And always keep a box of Kleenex on your night-stand!
Big girls do cry,
Em & Lo
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photo via YourTango
Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:
I dreamt that it was Halloween and I was walking next to a house with a really big display and haunted house when someone runs at me wearing a mask and yelling so I run away. They grab me laughing and take off their mask and it turns out that it’s a man that I know from high school that I’ve previously had sex with and he had a small crush on me. He invites me into his house to hangout. We end up in this barn type enclosure full of hay and we start kissing and have very sweet but intense sex on top of the hay. Then someone walks in on us and my dream is over.
Have you been putting on a front, putting on a display or an act that is not how you truly are? Maybe even putting on a false image of yourself on social media? Whatever the case, your dream seems to be telling you that it is time to remove the façade, put on a brave face and be yourself.
I think your dreaming mind chose to use the guy that used to crush on you to show you that you are totally likeable exactly the way you are; no need to behave in a way that is not true to yourself. The barn and the hay are all about simplifying your life and ridding yourself of unnecessary complications. And the way your dream ends is always where the most important part of the message is… you have a fear of getting caught, getting found out. Come clean before this situation “haunts” you!
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