Your Call: How to Tell Your Husband It’s Okay to Ravish You (a Little)

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m just about as open as u can get when it comes 2 sex w/ my husband. I’m the one pushing toys, anal play . . . I’ve noticed that it turns him on when I say “ouch” or “please.” His arm creeps around my neck and I go w/ it, biting him, feeble “faux” struggling.

I trust him. How can I tell him that it’s ok if he likes to fantasize about these things? I wouldn’t mind a little pain at the right moment, but he has 2 learn when I’m ready. I was raped and I think he is afraid of pulling that up but we’ve been together 15+years (since 16) & I know he will never do anything I don’t want him to.

I love it when he pulls my hair/bites my neck/shoulder. So how do I bring this up so we can set up cues 4 when I’m ready and when it’s 2 much?

— Take Me

What should T.M. say to her husband? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.



  1. Reading a good book on this together would be one option. While I haven’t tried this (I’d certainly love to with the right person!), one option is to use colors for traffic signals. Green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop.

    I’m sure that there are other ways, but the big thing is that if there’s a way for you to communicate how things are without “breaking the mood” (so to speak) then that may help in defusing his fears.

    Bonus points to both of you for having what sounds like a healthy relationship. 🙂

  2. I was once doin’ it with a woman, and she took my head in both her hands, pulled my ear down right next to her lips and whispered, “be mean to me…”

    When I looked down at her she was wearing the apprehensive, fake-scared expression of a bad girl who expected to be punished.

    That was pretty awesome.

Comments are closed.