We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!
I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.
He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.
After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.
What Should I Do?
So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me, I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.
I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.
Is This My Fault?
I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.
It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?
— Frustrated & Forlorn
What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.
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PLEASE, I know you’re frustrated. But to the people telling you to leave him.. Consider this, is he fulfilling you in other aspects of your life? The internet is an amazing way to reach out to people.. But so dangerous when you let strangers convince you what is right for your personal life. Marriage is more than sex– it is love and compassion, respect, true enjoyment being with that person. Please don’t be convinced to leave so easily… Everyone nowadays thinks if you’re unhappy, leave.. But everyone is unhappy at points in your life.. And marriage is hard.. You both sacrifice a lot to make your lives work together.. But it should be more good than bad, and though these things are hard.. If you guys communicate right and honestly, you CAN do this.
That being said.. Sex is very important, and when one person isn’t being satisfied it is hard. One person constantly feeling empty and eventually, feeling loss of self worth because partner wont take time to appreciate your body or please you… I have this same problem too, thats why I’m out here looking. But as I see your cry for help.. I just want to be sure you get grounded advice.
Be honest with him, talk to him. Tell him this is really important to you, ask him to imagine what it’s be like to only have an orgasm X amount of times in 8 years if marriage..?? Tell him you enjoy pleasing him but you want him to legitimately enjoy pleasing you..and not just once in a while.. Always. Just be honest.. Make him communicate and try things.. Tell him what you like, you can have a hands on learning session.. On how to please you, because once he gets it down your sex life will skyrocket. Its worth the effort. He won’t get it immediately. Let him keep trying. See if he likes to watch you touch yourself at all, if he does, he can learn and get excited that way too. Ask him how he can get excited to pleasure you.. If those things don’t work.. Make him bring you closer to orgasm before you start to have sex. Then your chances of having during will increase (you can ask him tonuse a vubrator on you, slightly guide him.. Let gim know your enjoying it id hea doing things right.. (Noises, guys like that. But don’t fake, make him work for it.). you’re not denying him sex, but you’re making him take his time and work for it.. How it should be. If he doesn’t want to do that.. Then there’s a problem of respect. For you, your feelings, and your body. In that case, I would recommend a few sessions ofncoypkes therapy. It’s amazing how helpful it can be with the right therapist.
It seems like my boyfriend is embarrassed by his penis so he won’t Let me touch it I tell him that it’s big and he just doesn’t believe me also when we have sex it feels great but he always stops early and I told him I want him to make love to me for hours but he just says I can’t help it it feels so good
Leave people who don’t put in the time to take care of you or prepare to live your life unhappy.
I am in my early 30’s and my husband is in his late 50’s. He has ED and we haven’t had sex for about 2 years now. When we married, he was still into sex and takes Viagra. Now, he still has those pills but doesn’t take them no more and doesn’t have sex with me no more. He knows how I long for his touch and affection. It is just crazy that I have to ask him when we are going to have sex again but he just replies “I don’t know”. When we are on our bed, sometimes, I would rub his penis. I would ask him rub my boobs, vagina and finger me but he refuses. I don’t understand why he is acting like that. It is just so frustrating. I really need and want him. I’m always willing to satisfy him but it seems like he is not interested. I don’t resent him for not having an erection but I wish he would try to satisfy me in some other ways. Am I asking too much that he can’t do it? I just don’t know what to do. I love him. He is a good husband in other aspects but fail sexually.
Do not please him. Period.
Your value has been derived from pleasing him, but that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. He needs to feel what you feel, then he may get it.
He doesn’t respect your feelings. You’ve got to make him feel them.
I feel like I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We started out as best friends and now we have been dating for about half a year. Things were great at first, he made me happy in so many ways including sexually. He has made me orgasm more than any past boyfriend ( not a huge accomplishment, but still was nice for me). I even told him that at one point and I’m starting to regret it. I feel like since he knows he has done better than the rest, he thinks he doesn’t have to try anymore. Our sex use to be equally benifical. We would kiss and get each other going, then he would get off from the sex and then he would play with my clit to get me off. I do have to admit that I take longer to finish than he does, but I believe that is normal. Back then I use to secretly wish that I could be the one to get off first bc it would happen so much faster since he would still be turned on. However I never wanted to say anything bc I felt lucky enough to get off in the first place. Now he just complains that it takes too long so I started just taking care of myself while he would talk dirty to me. Now he doesn’t even do that. After he is finished he is practically joking around which really turns me off, so then I get frustrated bc I feel like he doesn’t even care at all. I have tried talking about it but then he just starts acting even worse. Saying things like, ” well maybe I should just buy you some sex toys since I’m not good enough”. IT IS SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING. Like I’m trying to talk to him about how I don’t feel satisfied and then I am the one to blame! I hope I’m not the only one to realize that this kind of reaction is completely ass backwards. I could really use some advice on how to better handle the situation.
Thanks,
Another confused woman
I am not a psychologist of any sort, but it does make me wonder if your husband watches pornography? When a person watches porn it over time conditions them to only receive, and not give. This may sound unorthodox, but sometimes it is a sign of porn addiction. Sometimes they cannot physically wait because the “foreplay” has been going on in his mind for a while already, maybe even a lot of the sexual fantasies, but they ultimately need that physical stimulation to finish off the mental state of pleasure. Also, pornography tends to, and you may have heard it a million times, objectify women. Over time he may see those women as you, or you as them, without emotional and physical desires for yourself. Even if he understands that intellectually, his brain has taught him it has to reach pleasure for itself, since porn doesn’t ask for the same satisfaction back. Like I said, I am not a psychologist but I did attend a pornography addiction course by a psychologist who works with children addicted to porn. One last thing, if you are using sex toys you are also training yourself to be satisfied without bonding. Your body may eventually want sex without ever reaching emotional satisfaction. I hope it helps, and wife to wife, I wish you the very best!
That’s an interesting thought re: porn addiction training a guy to only receive rather than give. We could definitely see how this could mess with a young guy’s head, if he watches a lot of porn in his formative years (even if he’s not necessarily “addicted”). We’re not so sure we buy the argument about sex toys, though. Does a guy who masturbates furiously train himself to be satisfied without bonding? Those guys seem to want sex just as much, if not more. How about a woman who masturbates with her hands? Why should a sex toy be any different. If anything, it teaches a woman how to orgasm without any outside pressure.
But every time a woman mentions any issue with her guy the answer will always be that he must be watching porn – if not totally addicted 🙂
From a guy’s side I’d say look at a couple of things. First why does he watch porn when he should have all he wants at home – there’s probably a reason for that beyond that he’s a pervert/inadequate/has problems/is immature etc. More importantly what sexual frustrations does he have. I’d bet if there was a poll on this site asking men their biggest frustration 80% of guys (at least) would give the same answer.
It wasn’t an answer, but a simple suggestion.
Most people that watch porn simply watch it because they want something stimulating while masturbating. After a while, they feel the “need” to watch it every single time or almost every single time they masturbate. Some people might get to the point regular sex gets less pleasurable, and even normal regular people less attractive. It happens. And that in no way means the person is necessarily a pervert/inadequate/problematic/immature as you said, but simply had their psychological/emotional/sexual reactions “messed up”, molded by porn.
I was in the same situation. Well, it’s an ongoing issue, but it’s getting better.
For those of you who commented saying that your husband or bf laughs at you or degrades you, your relationship needs drastic changes. For those whose man is causing physical pain or other abuse, if you are married seek serious professional help, if you aren’t married, get out of there now!
But for those, like me, who are in stable loving relationships, but aren’t getting the orgasms you need, is time to look outside the box. Try some of these ideas, and try thinking of some of your own.
My guy didn’t understand how big of an issue it was till I lovingly suggested we keep track. He had no idea he was getting orgasms so much more than me. (Yes, I wanted to scream). Guys aren’t always that observant and have selective memories sometimes. Keep a tally board or calendar in your bedroom. Also make sure he knows how often would be nice for you to climax.
Try making up games. Use his weaknesses. Is he competitive? Use your strengths. Keep it loving and fun. “I bet you can’t manage to kiss and lick every part of my body during sex tonight”, “if you give me an orgasm first, I’ll do the dishes”
Get in the mood first. Watch a romantic movie. Listen to some sexually charged music. Dance alone in the dark. Make him wait and watch while you touch yourself. (He’s not allowed to touch you or himself). Half the time they are on their way to orgasm, we are usually still trying to “get it up” so to speak. Being ready is half the battle.
Practice makes perfect. When you masterbate, try to make the things he already does more sexy. Imagine him as he is. The things you get off to when you are alone will be a help or a hinder when he’s there. For example, now when he complains or criticizes, I think in my mind, “yes, I was naughty. Take my body if you can!” Or some such.
Atmosphere matters to women more. Get silk sheets. Light candles. Put on some sexy lingerie. Make a playlist that turns you on. Be selfish with these little things, after all, you obviously need it more.
Set rules! Make consequences that are light and fun but still motivating. Be firm. Don’t let them get away with breaking the rules. Talk about it.
Also, men lose the romance after they get off. This is natural. So you need to accept that either you get more tough on demanding foreplay, or you don’t get an orgasm. Don’t try to take it out longer after he has ejaculated. Masturbation while he watches helps so much! Do it when he is really horny. The way he will look at you will help you get there faster and easier.
I hope this helps. 🙂 good luck!
My Fiance is the same way. We have been together for 2 years the sex used to be amazing now it’s still good as long as I start the sex, that way I am turned on. Tonight I pleased myself twice while he played his games because he denied me sex and so I pleased my self. Just 5 minutes after I was done he wanted me to blow him. I have no issue with it besides the fact that I don’t get it back. I did as he aaked then he turned me over and just put himself in. I started crying before he turned me over completely. I bit the pillow and screamed in pain. I hadn’t been any bit turned on or prepared down there. So it hurt and I knew it would I didn’t want to fight him because the last time i did it was worse. I stayed on my side and cried he just rolled over and went to sleep. He won’t kiss me, or any part of me. He use to turn me on and make me feel good. Now all he will do is put his spit on me for lube. The last time I was turned on by him he thought my water broke, I didn’t tell him, but it wasn’t my water I was just truly turned on. Sadly he finished and that was it I got up to go pee and set on the toilet crying. He says its to hard to give me an orgasm it’s to much work.
He makes it out to be my fault for not being easy enough, when really if he tried it wouldn’t be hard. I told him all I need is kisses on my neck and chest that will get me started and comfy. But all he does is try rubbing my clit or slapping it with his penis which it doesn’t r feel good. He won’t even finger me. It hurts that he can’t spend the extra kisses he would rather technically rhape me and put me in pain for a few days. I use to try so hard every day I’d fix myself up and wear sexy underwear, but all I would get was why are you wearing makeup, you didn’t go anywhere. Then he would proceed to get on his games and complain about something i didn’t do right that day. I just don’t understand what happened.
Annaec, I think the only good news in your post is that this guy is your fiancé and not your husband. Get out now while you still can! Or, if you insist on going forward and marrying him, then he needs to seriously change his attitude. Perhaps you could see a couples’ counselor together? Because this is not sustainable. If you’re miserable now (and you sound miserable), a wedding ring is certainly not going to change that.
I’m going to say skip the couples’ counseling and run for the hills. This is terrible behavior, and is no one you want to be married to.
Sounds like a Dick love. Get out now. What, you think it’ll get better? How exactly? Stop bein a doormat and tell him to fuck off.
Big auto corrected from BJ. He goes limp stimulating me, and instead of getting me off, asks for a BJ so he xan get hard and then finish. And then the sad cycle of apologising and me trying to not deflate his ego…
WHY DO I TOLERATE THIS?
How do you finish yourself? When my husband does this to me i am so frustrated i can’t finish myself. I get so angry i really have to control myself to not yell at him.
Then he apologizes and says he wishes he could do better but he never takes the steps to try to make it better. Its like he assumes any day now i am magically going to enjoy the 3 minutes of getting pumped so much that eventually that is all i need to orgasm.
When i tell him “you need to get me off orally first” then i get a few minutes of him pleasuring me, followed by him going limp and needing a big so he can get hard again and pump me for 3 minutes.
Then he wonders why i have lost interest?
Going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 6 years. Our sex life has been fabulous and satisfying but for the last 2 month…. since I’ve moved into his home. All he wants is oral sex. I will oblige thinking I too will be satisfied by oral or other. However lately he will reach orgasm and then he rolls over soon to be snoring. Knowing he is sound asleep I head to the shower with my vibrator… im getting sick and tried of the plastic and not having his touch. No children involved and I need to feel a man’s desire for me. I read the previous comments and taking my options in.
I am sad to see so many of us in the same boat . I do feel that a man should automatically be willing to give of himself in the bedroom , and that he should take pleasure in the knowledge that he is making his woman happy….sex is a sacred act, taking the man you love into your body , it’s as close as you can get without donating an organ to each other . When my bf and I started making love I was thrilled with his slow and sensuous style , my ex had never understood that I need it slow to climax. After three years , I am still incredibly attracted to him, don’t want to cheat bc I only want him, love his body and moves but growing ever more angry at his lack of concern for my pleasure . He had never given oral before me so I asked that he try it bc I refuse to do without. To his credit he researched online for techniques and brought his own sensual style to the table , and I expected it to be kind of bad while he learned but it was the best oral I have ever had . So what’s the problem right ? For one he rarely does it, if I ask he will but I want him to want to taste me. My ex once came giving me oral and while I was slightly frustrated it was mostly a huge ego boost. I felt like I was important enough and so sexy that my pleasure sparked his….I would like to have that feeling with the man I love today. I often give him oral,no need to ask me, I love giving him pleasure . ..I touch his dick and stroke it and I would happily explore his body with touch, taste, everything , for hours. I want the same from him. We have sex daily and he has the habit now of putting my hand on his dick as we lay in bed watching tv, and then hopping up on me, a few kisses and then a few minutes of sex while he watches tv out of the corner of his eye. I feel like an unattractive , unloved, piece of meat. He is basically jerking off with my vagina. So why do I allow it? I have low self esteem I guess , I feel afraid to ask for what I want because if he rejects me I will be completely devastated. I have told him how I feel and he replied with , if you don’t like it , there’s the door . So with that comment he made me feel that I don’t matter at all n he could give a shit if I stay or go. I don’t believe he really feels that way , I think he reads into my comments that I’m dissatisfied incorrectly , thinking I am insulting him or his body or his ability . ..I’m not, at all. I adore him. He is as insecure as I am , but in a different way . So it’s two people basically just settling for nothing bc I am afraid of demanding respect and love and perhaps he is afraid trying to give me the love I crave , afraid that he will give all of himself in the bedroom and I will still be unhappy . And then there is nothing left , n he will have failed . But the fact is , the only failure is not trying . Bc I would never be disappointed in him if he was simply focused on pleasing me. The willingness to care and show it intimately is all I need to be turned on. If he’s touching my skin , then it’s already perfect . If he’s interested in what I like , I’m going to be amazed. I have a high sex drive too, I’m already turned on…I truly believe it’s the knowledge of his indifference and my feelings of insecurity in the face of this that prevent my climax . I have to find a way to tell him he is great while telling him that he has no chance of failure , and that I need him to love me better, without being emasculating, insulting , insensitive or overbearing . ..talking to men is like speaking swahili. But overall for all of us sex ally frustrated females we have to believe that we are worthy of love and respect . That’s the hardest part of the whole thing . ..
I felt like I had wrote that myself. I’m actually crying for you. I’m in the same boat.
I have the same problem and am trying to decide which of the following to do:
– send him some info on the female orgasm. He knows how to make me come, he’s just damn lazy.
– Tell him unless he is prepared to give me an orgasm, he shouldn’t approach me for sex.
– Next time once he’s inside me and I know that I’m not going to come, because on the rare occasion it happens, I come first, then I should push him off
It’s very frustrating and is causing me to loose self esteem. I’ve not had such a selfish lover all my life. Sods law that I married this one.
I start remembering my ex boyfriends who always went down on me and I came every single time. For me the sex is just rubbish.
I’ve also thought about suggesting we get a vibrator he can use on me. Somehow, I think that will go down like alead balloon. Though it might make him think how much the lack of orgasm is affecting me.
I’m worried I’ll tell him to shove off when he approaches next time. When he does finger me, it’s irritating. Poor use of his hands without actually pushing his fingers in. Iresort self pleasure as he refuses to satisfy me. It’s making me feel so low and upset.