We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!
I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.
He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.
After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.
What Should I Do?
So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me, I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.
I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.
Is This My Fault?
I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.
It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?
— Frustrated & Forlorn
What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.
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This topic clearly resonates with a lot of people. Not to be a downer here, but I’ve gotta say, I’ve never seen a relationship recover from this.
Admittedly I talk to men about this more than women, but this seems like one where who’s a man and who’s a woman doesn’t matter. The problem is the same: one partner is sexually lazy and selfish, and the other is frustrated and unfulfilled.
I suppose every couple has sexual peaks and valleys, rallies and slumps, etc. But when sex comes to a grinding halt and stays that way, with no end to the drought in sight, it’s generally over based on all I’ve seen and heard.
There’s a common theme in all these comments: “I’ve talked to him and voiced my concerns and nothing’s changed.”
The best options are leaving if you can’t bear it, or opening the relationship if you want to stay with the same partner. A lot of people choose to cheat, and while that’s absolutely the most exciting, satisfying, vindicating option, it can lead to huge problems. You wouldn’t believe how possessive someone who HASN’T GIVEN A SHIT ABOUT YOU SEXUALLY IN TWO YEARS can get if you “cheat.”
Been having the same problem for quite a while. I’ve tried to tell him a couple of times. and he did make more of an effort for the following few times we had sex and things went back to how they were before.It’s really frustrating because I love him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by raising this issue again and making him feel bad/inadequate. At the same time,I don’t understand how he can be so selfish to me and my needs. Started thinking that maybe he is insecure to be a bad lover so he gives up trying to make me cum altogether?
Lack of courteous, only-fair reciprocity boggles the mind. Who is raising these people to think getting BJs while refusing to go down on her is okay?!?!
Standard porn and male sexual entitlement/sense of superiority. Both, together, as one supports the other.
I think society tells us girls early in life that we shouldn’t want sex, sex is bad. Girls that do like sex or God forbid had a sex drive were slu**s, who**s, etc. Men on the other hand, were not shamed about thier sex drive at all. Now we are all grown up in marriages or long term relationships and still these ideals carry over into our sex life. Men held on to the ideas, that women don’t have a drive, need, or desire sex like guys do. It seems men think that when it comes to them, they are his “needs”. When it comes to women and sex, our needs are merely “wants”. It’s not that big of a deal if we are really satisfied because girls aren’t suppose to have a sex drive in the first place.
I feel your pain. I’ve been married for three years,and my husband is not only selfish,he is lazy as fuck in bed. Won’t go down on me, or do foreplay,but i give him sex and go down on him whenever he wants. I’m so fed up with this crap. Everytime i bring it up he argues with me. I’m about to go postal.
Dump his ass
I feel your pain. My problem is that I love getting there when my husband goes down on me. However, he does it for a little bit and tells me to climax in other ways, i.e., riding him with a toy. We fight about this issue because I tell him that I want to climax while he’s going down on me. He thinks that I should climax in other positions. Am I being selfish for asking him to get me there with his tongue?
No, you’re not being selfish. It’s like he’s throwing the pasta in the water and not turning on the heat. HE is being selfish. Do you finish him when you’re down on him? It goes both ways.
I am with my guy now 4 years. I hate to say this, but I’m close to leaving his ass. I suggest anyone with no kids or baggage to run. I’m ditching him, I’m starting to hate him because of this. I’m 41 I’ve been around a little. Get the hell away before you cheat. I know I have to or I am gonna cheat. My guy is 28 and sucks in bed. He’s got no experience, but guess what ladies? It’s not my problem as soon as I leave his ass. It’s 415am here and I’m so pissed I can’t sleep. Asshole cums in 5 min, won’t go down, barely knows where the clit is. Fuckin men you best watch some porn and learn some shit. I’m way past showing idiots what to do. Get rid of the selfish asshole because that’s what they are fuckin selfish
.
Well I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He barely ever wants to do it because he has a low sexy drive but his drive to make me finish is even lower. It makes me kind of resent him: it used to be great when we were first together but now I have to get off myself when he isn’t home because otherwise I never would. How am I supposed to picture ola future with him if it has to be with not getting off.
I’m right there with you. I feel like there is something wrong with me, but I know there’s not because it’s never been a problem before.
I’ve said something to my husband multiple times over the 7 years we have been together and still nothing. Each time we’ve discussed it, it turns into an argument, and he turns it around on me somehow.
I’m at a breaking point now. There is so much built up frustration. I just can’t take the loneliness.
Just read this and WOW its like reading about myself. I also feel lonely ans sexually frustrated as i too do not feel satisfied. I am at my wits end and i am going to speak to a counsellor tomorrow by myself
I would not allow him to climax. Just pull him out before he climaxes and then you masturbate in front of him until you have an orgasm. If he wants more, hand him the lube and tell him to handle himself. Roll over and you go to sleep. He’s being very selfish and lazy. You are allowing it to happen so that means you have the power to stop it. Stand up for yourself.
I think the only answer is to leave the man and start a new relationship with someone less selfish. I tried giving my husband a dose of his own medicine and we just ended up at a stalemate. No sex for nearly a year. Just loneliness, anger and frustration.
I go through the same thing my boyfriend always make sure that he gets his and can give shit less if I get mine at all when he’s done in a minute or two in laying there waiting that maybe just maybe I’ll get mine but no he says let him rest for a couple of minutes and then hell take care of me which is a lie I haven’t had an orgasim for about a month now, in the beginning it was of the hook we had sex like all day long, but now I don’t get no kind of for play it nothing and I won’t cheat on him I could not because I love him too much to do him like that it’s just that I really wish he would put more effort in pleasing Me once in a great while I don’t know what to do it’s always cause he’s hurting but your fingers don’t hurt you so what’s the problem it’s sad he’s got a good size dick but don’t know how to use it
I can relate. My husband doesn’t even try, or offer up a reason why he doesn’t . Perfect example…last night. I initiate sex, I give him oral sex, he doesn’t even try to hold back, he orgasms within 3 minutes, and then , he rolls over and hugs me, and just lays there. I wait, thinking, ok, maybe this time he will try. Nope, nothing. I lay there at 11:58 pm fuming inside and incredibly frustrated. Yes, I have talked with him about this during other times, not while in the bedroom. Still, nothing. I just don’t get it. I want to please him. Why doesn’t he care about pleasing me ??
Just happened to me right now. Exactly that! I made the move gave him oral and he climaxed. I came out of the sheets maybe hoping okay he’ll make a move now and kiss me or something. But nothing. He gives me a kiss on my forehead tells me he loves me and he falls asleep. I don’t get it. I’m so hurt and feel so unattractive. And also I’m 7 months pregant.
These men sound like they are evangelical christians who believe women have no right to sexual satisfaction.
Pack up and get out. You may be 7 months, but it will be worse after the baby comes.
Get a good lawyer, and make sure he is required to support the child, and if possible you as well. To call him a jerk is an understatement.
Oh come on – boorish of him, but “get a lawyer and get out” because he rolled over one time? I don’t think this situation calls for the nuclear option yet.
I’ve got to disagree with the “it’ll get worse after baby” thing. I have a strong suspicion it may get better. A huge number of guys find pregnancy – while beautiful in a miracle-of-life sort of way – sexually unappealing in the extreme. Which sucks for women, because I’ve heard that they’re off-the-charts horny during pregnancy. Nature is cruel.
I’d give it a few months at least before tossing the whole relationship.
So what if men find sex unappealing with a pregnant wife?! How selfish.
Whether it is not caring, selfishness, or he is one of those men who feel you are his property and you have no right to be sexually satisfied or something else is unknown. If he will not try to work with you, get a good lawyer, and get out.
In my opinion you should drive the lesson home by withholding sex until he learns to fulfill your needs first. Stay strong in that no matter what, and don’t allow him to orgasm unless you do too, and preferably first.
I’ve been doing that now for over 30 days. He still hasn’t touched me.
Does he know why you’re withholding sex? Meaning, did you make it clear to him that there’s no sex until he pays attention to your orgasm? Or does he maybe think you’re just not that into sex right now?
Tell him once with no results, shame on him. Tell him twice still no results, blame on him. Tell him thrice no results & still with him, shame on you.
Yeah That don’t work. 8 months now and still waitin! Dick just watches porn but is stupid enough to think I don’t know. It’s not a long term solution though. That’s the problem.
Okay, I’m going to be the one to say this: Is anyone else thinking that this is just what happens when you marry the guy you meet at 17, and have a kid at 22 or 23? Deb is right in a way — this guy IS a boy still. 25 year olds still have SO much to learn about how to be good in bed, and most of them learn this over a 10-plus-year period of being single/dating around… i.e. when they hear something from enough women over the years, they finally believe it. I know this isn’t particularly useful in this case, but I felt it had to be said.
I totally agree. I have been with my husband since i was 15 he was 16. I think this is what to expect
Get it somewhere else. He’s not a man, he’s a boy. A selfish spoiled asshole of a boy.
But is that reason enough to act like a selfish spoiled asshole of a girl? I mean, I guess if her goal is simply to make a good point, before destroying their entire marriage, then this would be the way to go. (And she certainly has a very good point to make, and few people would fault her for being tempted to cheat in this case.) But it seems like she wants to fix her marriage, not fuck it up…
The idea of life is to live. If a woman has a selfish man and you gave to beg him for love it’s not worth it. Every woman is worth more than that. No one wants to stay married for 40yrs to the same selfish man. That’s called an unhappy life. I had a selfish husband for 15yrs. Yes, he was sexually satisfied but I wasn’t cried many nights. We had talks and I expressed my feelings at the end of the days he was the same selfish person. I’m 46 and in a relationship with a 55 yrs with e d. Most loving man. He can not reach an orgasm but he makes sure my needs are met. We have intimacy and we share each other.
Did you ever think that maybe you just can’t? Many women have trouble climaxing it’s totally normal…so I hear anyway I think it’s a matter of knowing your body and knowing what you want. I masturbated a lot as a teenager so I know exactly what to do how hard and in what position I know how to make myself come in almost every situation. So play around with yourself. But it is pretty selfish that he gets off before you and doesn’t care about it it may reflect on his personality too. Does he act selfish in day to day things? Is your relationship a good one or do you just think it is? Is he treating you well? I think it’s time you evaluate your relationship
And I wouldn’t threaten him by saying you can’t help considering elsewhere.. But its OK to mention it in a non threatening what if it comes up in your communication working things out. Make sure that he knows its not that you don’t want him.. It’s that you need him to meet your needs. (Emphasis, NEED) sending love, good luck.