We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This time, a woman finds herself married to a selfish lover. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Help! I’m Married to a Selfish Lover!
I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). First let me say that I enjoy/love pleasing him. I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is a selfish lover.
He wants sex right away, no foreplay whatsoever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I don’t understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.
After having sex yesterday he climaxed and rolled over while I just lied there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said, “Well gosh, you just feel so good!” (So pretty much I made him climax fast, so I get punished by not climaxing myself.) Then he turned the other way and the snoring started.
What Should I Do?
So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed, which makes me feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me, I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him, but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.
I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. Part of me wants to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue, but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally. It boggles the mind: after 8 years I can count on one hand the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said “This is about you tonight,” and made me orgasm several times.
Is This My Fault?
I kind of feel bad for myself, but then I wonder, “Did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long?” I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be.
It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home who is afraid to make me climax! I mean, is it really that hard?
— Frustrated & Forlorn
What should F&F do about her selfish lover? Let her know in the comments below.
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I stumbled upon this by accident. My problem is that my husband is always too focused on getting me off that he becomes superman and can’t climaax, himself. However, that does not mean that we always have sex in the same positions that get me off. My advice would be to get yourself a clitorous stimulator that makes vibrations. If he gets of before you, continue on without him. You can also use it during sex. The problem that I see is that he is too selfish and that alone is not good on the marriage. You can also use the stimulator to punish him, so to speak. Use it without him, hell, infront of him. Maybe even let him know you prefer the toy over a quicky with him…maybe that will get a serious conversation rolling. Good luck!
Hi there. I’m in a similar sort of situation.
I have been with my partner just short of five years, we do have a great sex life there’s no denying that but there always feels like there’s something missing.
He always recieves some sort of pleasure, be that oral or a hand job before sex is actually fully initiated. But when it comes to myself, I’m just left there to grab the lube and put it on him. He’s explained before that he doesnt enjoy oral, which is absolutely fine! But there’s no touching involved, I have a selection of vibrators and various toys that he could use on me and I have asked him to but the response is always the same “not tonight babe” “I can’t be bothered” “it takes ages to make you cum”.
All pretty disheartening responses, right?
I can’t help but think that there’s a specific reason why he doesn’t want to touch me. I have a very high sex drive, I buy toys and outfits to keep the spark there but everything’s always about him and I just don’t know what to do. When he does finish, the sex finishes; he then usually rolls over and goes to sleep and I’m left to finish myself off (if my self esteem hasn’t been damaged too much).
I’ve just had enough now, sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it would be nice to feel at least wanted once in a while, right?
That’s horrible! I’m so sorry that happened! He’s like that every time??
This is sooooo my relationship. I love him but he goes straight for the boobs or vagina. I don’t get affection before at all. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t wanted to have sex in 2 months. We have been married for 10 years.
Don’t let him put it in until he’s satisfied you first. The wait will drive him crazy and the sex will be better and you get your pay off.
Yes, that works. In personal experience. 😉
Oh my….same with me.My husband Muslim as well.First year all was fine but I felt he doesn’t care much to give me oral sex but was quite active. ..meantime he became more religious and we r on that stage when no any oral sex (I’m not allowed to do that either)no hand job…years was in arguing about sex…I got the answer -I should have orgasm by intercourse no other ways.Simply that. …I read about muslims some group say oral sex not allowed. ..some say yes…how pity my husband belonging to the wrong group.I’m really fed up to satisfied myself for years. ..but I know he won’t change. …I tried to communicate but he absolutely doesn’t care what I want.really fustrated to live so I can’t sleep but I don’t want to talk to him because I know his reaction already. ..I never expect that he will treat me so badly. I have to say he doesn’t know what love is. ..how these idiots find out about sex ….He told me the problem is with me …. 🙂 now I can think what’s wrong with me but ….nothing .
I love him but surely I won’t stay in this.
I thought we r just few regarding our neglect but I seen the comments. …
What the hell with men????
Sad ending ahead.
I hope that you have left him by now!!! Don’t wait- we don’t get younger!
Im in the same boat but the other way around.. Despite when we do have sex we both climax.. Sometimes she is wanting more.. But when I make her skirm to the climax.. I have to stop. Because she feels socks. Can’t handle anymore.. I’m not an animal at least I don’t think I am.. But if she climaxed many times the least she could do is make sure I can sleep soundly without having the doubt she could of done more ..
This guy I am seeing is really affectionate, loves cuddling and is a great kisser but he won’t even try and make me come. He’s gone down on me once (didn’t come) and I can’t count how many times I’ve given him head. The other night I gave him head he came and nothing for me. Next morning I gave him head again to try and get some but nope, nothing. He came and then got up and left me there craving more. So I finished myself off. I was not impressed with this behaviour as my ex would always make me come first then himself… I don’t know whether this is because it’s a new relationship or what but I’m kind of getting really uninterested in him really quickly. I’d rather be single than have a guy who has no interest in making me come. I am 24 and he’s younger..
Hi Pippa! We posted your comment in its own post, inviting readers to offer up advice, and it got some good responses, in case you’re interested (see link below). Thanks for participating on EMandLO.com – we hope you’ll come back often!
xo,
Em & Lo
https://www.emandlo.com/my-boyfriend-doesnt-care-about-my-orgasm/
Uau, I had no idea so many women had this problem, I’m sort of on the same boat, and this is new to me, as with previous relationships I didnt have that issue at all.
Sex is good, but the only pleasure that matters is his. This is really frustrating, and because of that I dont even want to finish myself off. We have been together for a year, and this is been like that since the beginning. I dont know what to do.
Guys who dont care just dont care. My husband will go down on me about twice a year now. It used to be every 16 to 24 months. The last time he had a big smile on his face and told me he was going to do me a favor. Worst thing to say to a woman you neglect. I dont need any fuck*ng favors. What, am I supposed to kiss your pinky ring afterward ?
I have been married for over 20 years and I now have the man of my dreams. It wasn’t always like that though. We had a great relationship and good sex, but he could be selfish at times. In the early years, if I said something to him about him not satisfying me, he would turn it around and make me feel like the selfish one. I finally got wise and realized we had a communication problem. I was determined to have him see it my way. It just wasn’t right that I was always concerned with pleasing him, but he wasn’t always concerned with pleasing me. For a few years we had many discussions, arguments and even a few blow-ups. This might sound extreme, but it broke down the wall. He needed to see that it wasn’t just the lack of satisfaction that was affecting me, but it was the fact that he didn’t seem to care. It was just as much about my feelings as it was about the sex. Well, I finally got through to him. We have the most open and honest communication now. It has strengthened our intimacy one thousand times over. He always tries to satisfy me now. In fact, he’s not satisfied until I’m satisfied. If you want a relationship like this you MUST open those lines of communication. It’s painful at first, but the reward is worth it.
Since you’ve done this successfully, what specific tips would you give to people who want to communicate like this? For instance, when & where do you have the talk(s), how do you avoid putting a partner on the defensive or making them feel insecure, how do you keep them from interpreting it as “I think you suck in bed”, etc?
How did you finally make him care after years of him knowing and not doing it for you?
Hi very good
There is no cure for this. I am married to the same type of jerk. Any man who doesn’t care that his woman is pleased in bed is a selfish jerk. That nonsense statement of ” oh you just turn me on so much, that’s why I climaxed in two minutes” is an excuse. They can hold off and try to please you if they want to, they just choose not to do so. It seems that men like this are also sexist, and see women as their pure little lady or whores. They don’t want their wives to enjoy sex, it somehow threatens them. I have given up on my husband ever wanting to satisfy me. He is a sexist jerk. I am Persuing an affair and would leave him if I had the money. A man who leaves his woman hanging sexually unsatiafied on a regular basis despite her talking to him about her needs is no man. It’s not hard to please a woman. We will tell them what we want. When they still don’t attempt to please us they just don’t care.
Absolutely 100% agree with every word there Anon. I got one of those jerks. Spanish and absolutely CRAP in the bedroom and the last time we, sorry, HE had sex, I told him I would never have sex with him again. And I haven’t. He has told me he is what he is and if I don’t like it,… It’s so horrid cos I am very highly sexed but I would rather not let him use me and retain my dignity.
omg this is my husband totally. 18 years of this crap. Rolls on top, comes quickly, rolls off, no regard whatsoever to how it is for me. No foreplay. Hes selfish and mean. I would love to leave, im praying I can get some money too. My dream is to find a kind man who satisfies me in bed and out of it.
Thought about leaving my husband for someone who cares enough to want to satisfy me. Sadly after reading all I have read it would be like trading in an orange for an orange.
I left my selfish husband of 30 years in hopes of finding that magical unicorn who cares about a woman’s pleasure. You are correct that all you will be doing is trading in an orange for another orange. Just by reading all of the other comments here, you can tell there are too many men who want what they want and are unwilling to give women what women want. I have had four long-term relationships and, in each relationship, I spoke up about what I wanted. Only one man in those four relationships even attempted to learn how to stimulate my sex organ. Three of those men out and out refused to touch my sex organ and even when I spoke up time after time after time, touched it for no longer than five minutes and then it was time to give him a pat on the back for his “effort” and give him stimulation however he wanted it as a reward for his “effort.” And now that I am divorced and dating, men are still refusing to touch my sex organ even though I have made it very clear to them that I want them to touch it. But I have had sex their way and they get their rocks off on me. First you start out asking, then begging, then pleading, then bitching, then yelling, then World War III. They have the audacity to tell me I shouldn’t be so bitchy even though I have made it clear they are frustrating me by ignoring my sex organ. And then they call and text me for months after I’ve broken up with them asking why I broke it off. I have finally come to the realization that there is no magical unicorn out there. My best revenge against men is to no longer have sex with them. I would much rather not have any sex than be frustrated anymore by bad sex. Bad sex only gets his rocks off. I will not let another man get his rocks off on me. Instead, I will thank God he gave me the ability to have multiple orgasms when I masturbate and thank him for the invention of B.O.B (battery-operated boyfriend). Men should do womankind a favor and invest in blow-ups dolls and leave us alone.
As a Muslim I am obliged first to have sex with my wife up to her satisfaction. I am also obliged not to hurry so that my wife orgasm as equal as I do, otherwise I will be breaching the contract of marriage. On the other hand, I thing going down and sucking clitoris or pussy , sucking dick is something differ from one partner to another, as it relates to the place an cleanness, but this does not apply if done with hand or fingers.
As wife and husband, such matter can be solved amicably. It is unwise to consider the option of cheating or do cohabitation outside marriage relationship.
My husband has the same problem! Its very frustrating! I hate to think that he’s just cold hearted and selfish but its probably true! I am very giving in bed I do everything he wants and enjoy pleasing him. But I have recently decided to try something I am not going to give him sex unless he inspires it by eating my pussy massage and putting my needs first I have tried before to do this but have always gave in but this time I hope its different. And I hope that by doing this I can inspire some changes I just hope he doesn’t say fuck you bitch and go watch porn like he usually does I have been with the man going on 9 years we have three beautiful kids so I hope I can figure out how to fix this please let me know if you have found anything that has worked
I recently broke up with a boyfriend whose behavior was just like what is described in the article. In the 2 years we were together, he only went down on me twice after I basically begged him to, and I didn’t come because he didn’t know what what the hell he was doing. I had even sent him web links with tips on how to go down on a woman, but I could tell he never bothered reading them. Sex generally consisted of him lying there and waiting for me to start caressing, kissing, and going down on him. I always had to take the initiative, but he would enjoy all the pleasure and I would get nothing. He would come, roll over, didn’t want to cuddle, and didn’t even want me to touch him as he was falling asleep. He also seemed to have no interest in foreplay. I tried every time to take things slowly and build up to them, but he seemed to have no interest and always wanted to “cut to the chase”. And he was a terrible kisser, basically shoving his tongue in my mouth in an unpleasant way. I would tell him little things that I specifically liked (e.g. kissing my neck), but he never did these things on his own unless I specifically asked him to. I would basically have to beg him to pleasure me, which felt absolutely humiliating. He would even blame things on me sometimes, saying after coming that I should have “forced him” to pleasure me, or that I shouldn’t have made him come so fast, or something similar.
I eventually realized that his sexual selfishness was just one of many symptoms of his extreme emotional problems. He is a cold, repressed person with extremely low empathy, incapable of maintaining long-term relationships, or of truly bonding with others. He is also emotionally abusive and controlling, and this was most obvious when he was drinking. It was hard to eventually realize that I wasn’t really a “person” to him, I was more of an object that he could play with when he felt like it. When I broke up with him, his lashing out confirmed this, as he got very angry and said things that made it clear he had no respect for me or my feelings. If any woman out there is dealing with a man who acts selfishly in bed, it could be a sign of serious mental and emotional problems on her partner’s part. Beware of men with no friends, who are emotionally cold, secretive, and selfish! Stay far away, and do not put up with their emotional abuse – the sexual neglect could just be one red flag of many to watch out for.
I feel like if I’m included then it’s on the house. You want to just care about yourself then my prices start at 1500 an hour. That’s just to pretend like I am interested. Any other addons ie: bj are subject to an upcharge.
Break it off. Find a man that cares just as much about your sexual pleasure as his own. That’s extemely selfish and I wouldn’t tolerate it
If there’s one difference I’ve noticed between the experience of unfucked male/female partners, it’s this:
Women report that their lazy, selfish male partners use them as human masturbatory aids, like a Realdoll. Men report that their lazy, selfish female partners stop having sex with them altogether, except when she occasionally lies there and assumes the role of Realdoll just to shut him up about it.
Then simply dont treat her like a real doll. She requires foreplay and clitoral stimulation.