All posts by Em & Lo

Oh Come Let Us Adore Her G-Spot

The phrase “come hither motion” should be familiar to anyone who’s ever read anything about G-spot orgasms in women. It’s a very specific, very human touch (one or two fingers, usually), and it’s the key to stimulating a woman’s G-spot. And, as you might have discovered to your frustration, it’s not something a woman can easily do herself.

Until now. LELO just released two new toys, the INA Wave and the MONA Wave, which both feature a unique kind of motion called WaveMotion™. The toys feature a strong pivot that curls up and down to recreate the beckoning, come-hither motion of a lover’s fingers — a technology that has been long pursued in the sex toy industry. The INA Wave is a dual-action vibrator, more commonly known as a Rabbit-style toy — except this one also surges and plunges within you. And the MONA Wave is in the style of a G-spot massage — except, again, you guessed it, this one also surges and plunges within you. This animated gif (of the INA Wave) demonstrates the movement better than we ever could…

LELO’s admirable (and ambitious!) goal is to change the way a woman views her relationship with her body — and to help her take full ownership of her orgasm. As Steve Thomson, LELO’s Head of Marketing says, “Ownership of your orgasm is ownership of your body. This is a fundamental right as valid as any other, and one worth fighting for.” Yeah, yeah, we know: he’s in marketing. But still, it’s a concept impossible to argue with. And female sexual pleasure could use a good marketing campaign!

The idea behind these toys is that a woman can explore the full plethora of orgasms: clitoral, G-spot, blended, multiple, female ejaculation. Or, if you’re one of those people who are suspicious of the idea of different “types” or orgasm (hey, we get it) then think of it this way: Some orgasms stop and start. Some rise and fall. Some come from nowhere. Some come in, well, waves. Some are mild. Some go to eleven. And the WaveMotion™ will help you explore them all. Here are some more details about the two different toys…

INA Wave

The INA Wave is intended to help you experience blended orgasms. The tip rises and falls while it vibrates, as the flexible finger delivers powerful sensations to the clitoris, allowing you to enjoy a whole new spectrum of pleasure.

• The ultimate rabbit vibe for pleasure connoisseurs
• Rises & falls like an expert lover’s fingers
• 10 vibration patterns and with adjustable speeds
• 100% waterproof & rechargeable (2 hours’ use)
• Ultra-smooth, body-safe, all-over silicone design
• 1-year warranty, 10-year quality guarantee
• Insertable length: 110mm/ 4.3in.

MONA Wave

The surging motion of the MONA Wave massages your G-spot like a lover’s fingers.

• Contoured design for targeted G-spot massage
• Rises & falls like an expert lover’s fingers
• 10 vibration patterns and with adjustable speeds
• 100% waterproof & rechargeable (2 hours’ use)
• Ultra-smooth, body-safe, all-over silicone design
• 1-year warranty, 10-year quality guarantee
• Insertable length: 110mm/ 4.3in.

All this and guess what? Free holiday shipping, too! The MONA retails for $179, and INA for $199. And yes, they will easily fit in any holiday stocking. Like we said, Oh come let us adore her… G-spot, clitoris, and more!

34 Better (Swedish) Terms for Female Masturbation

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photo via WeHeartIt

We’ve long known that the Swedes do pretty much everything better when it comes to sex. They actually believe that comprehensive early sex education is important, and they even have impressively low rates of teen pregnancy and STDs to back up this crazy “theory.” And they even invented a gender neutral pronoun, hen.

But this time, they’ve really outdone themselves. The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education (known as RFSU over there) is holding a national competition to find a better term for female masturbation. “When it comes to masturbation, people mostly think about just men doing it and we don’t think of it as common for women,” says RSFU rep Kristina Ljungros. “If we don’t have a word in the language, how can we even talk about it?”

And she means a real word, one that respects the act as much as men respect their own me-time — not some old-school term that is steeped in frat-boy humor or sexism or shame (or all three). And the search was specifically for a single word — not a phrase or analogy. The organization first held an open competition seeking nominations, and then narrowed the entries down to the following 34 terms. And it turns out that you don’t need to speak a word of Swedish to appreciate how much better they are than anything currently in vogue…

Pulla
Klittra
Vibba
Fittra
Muffa
Runka
Scrolla
Slirva
Filla
DJ:a
Lippa
Smicka
Jingla
Rilla
Gniffa
Fibba
Hattla
Onka
Glimsa
Fappa
Rappla
Mippa
Viggla
Selfa
Jaxa
Klira
Laba
Mimma
Ryttla
Ponka
Stimla
Klimra
Rullva
Glitsa

The RFSU ultimately narrowed the above list down to five finalists, using feedback from Swedish voters, and will choose the winner from these five — to be announced in June 2015.

1. Klittra
2. Pulla
3. Runka
4. Scrolla
5. Selfa

In the meantime, we thought we’d give you, dear readers — both Swedish and non-Swedish readers alike — the opportunity to vote on your own favorite, from the five finalists:

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Wise Guys: When, If Ever, Is Cleavage Unsexy?

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: We know that men love boobs, but is there such a thing as too much cleavage? At what point — if any — does it become tacky to guys? Is it all about the situation and context?

Straight Married Guy (Matt): Yes, I guess there’s such a thing as too much cleavage. If I took a date to a wedding and she rolled up with 3/4 of her boobs out, I’d be a little embarrassed (and, okay — it’d probably turn me on at the same time). You see, my inner ape is endlessly fascinated with boobs, and seeing cleavage is always appreciated. But sometimes it’s inappropriate or tacky. I think all guys are a little schizophrenic about this. It’s like, man, that is a ridiculously cheesy outfit… but I wish I could see the rest of those boobs.

Straight Single Guy (Colin): I fall in love all over again with cleavage each day, but I guess when you really get down to it, there are a few specific contexts when it’s time to cover up. The scenarios are hard to distinguish. If you’re meeting my family, it’s a no-go on breast exposure, whereas if you’re meeting my co-workers, it’s totally okay. If we’re going to dinner, take them out, but if it’s Sunday brunch you might want to keep them concealed. If you’re a woman with real class, you’ll always find a way to pull it off. But please, double check with a friend who’s not afraid to hurt your feelings before you try something like J-Lo’s 2000 Grammy dress. (more…)

Your Call: Is My Boyfriend Secretly Gay?

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photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

What are signs that your boyfriend may be secretly gay?

— Beardy

What should Beardy do? Leave your suggestions in the Comments section below.

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How to Live a Complete Life Without Sex

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photo via WeHeartIt

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m 34 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I was molested as a child and raped as an adult. I’ve never had consensual sex. Yet I have intensely sexual dreams. I’ve had years of counseling, but the fear of having a sexual relationship remains. I isolate myself from men. The only ones I feel comfortable around are gay or married. I feel ostracized from a society which places such a high priority on sex, and I feel I am missing out on life because of my limitations. Am I really missing out? Is it possible to live a complete life without sex?

–Not Feeling It

Dear NFI,

This may sound strange coming from two women who’ve made a career out of talking about sex, but you absolutely can live a complete life without sex! It’s really not that big a deal. Well, it certainly is for some people (Tantric sex practitioners and right wing Republicans with secret gimp mask collections, for example). But for a lot of other people, sex is something they could simply take or leave — whether because of their body/brain chemistry, religious beliefs, or past experiences. And there are certainly many other things under the sun that can make for an interesting, fulfilling life. Orgasms are nice, but they don’t teach kids to read, or build Habitat for Humanity houses, or organize community activities, or run marathons, or pass a bill on Capitol Hill…

We know it’s hard being constantly bombarded by sexual imagery in the media, but please understand that the majority of it is a fantasy, one that’s often orchestrated simply to get us to buy products (even stuff as mundane as instant rice!). The reality is that while sex can be fun and exhilarating and bonding, it can also be messy and stressful and unfulfilling. We’re certain our society’s obsession with sex, especially idealized sex, has led to an awful lot of disappointment in the sack. Add to that the sad fact that sex can be used as a weapon of violence and subjugation, and we see nothing wrong with people — especially people who’ve been through the kind of trauma you have — choosing celibacy, if that’s what’s right and works for them.

Now, you mention that you do have sexual dreams, but you don’t say anything about masturbation. Just because you may choose to forgo partner sex, doesn’t mean you can’t (or shouldn’t) have sex with yourself! The great thing about self-pleasure is that you are in total control — of the pace, the timing, the techniques, the mood — without having to worry about anyone else’s good time. If you haven’t already, we’d really recommend getting an empowering book on masturbation — Betty Dodson’s classic Sex for One or Jayme Waxman’s Getting Off — and giving yourself permission to try to start enjoying the nerve endings you have, on your own terms. You can also browse the masturbation archive at our site, which includes articles like, “How to Make Masturbation Feel More Intimate,” and “10 Steps to Orgasming without a Vibrator.”

If deciding not to pursue romantic and sexual relationships doesn’t give you peace, and you still feel like you’re missing out on something, then we’d recommend getting a new therapist who might be able to make new headway with you (perhaps one specializing in post traumatic stress disorder and/or sexual issues), as well as joining a psychotherapy group for rape survivors (if you haven’t already), which according to the New York Times Health Guide, is one of the most effective treatments. While the world is full of horrible people (everyone from criminal monsters who commit unconscionable acts to little selfish assholes who have no qualms about casually breaking hearts), there are good guys out there who are kind, good, and giving — in life, in relationships, and in bed. But again, they’re not necessary for a rich life: some women really do need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

More power to you,
Em & Lo

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9 No-Duh Sex Moves Men Should Brush Up On

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by Eden Strong for YourTango | photo via WeHeartIt

Your sex life might be good but aren’t there always a few things that could make it, well, better? Quick answer: YES. How do I know? Over a glass of wine (or several), I flat out asked my friends if their sex life was everything they wanted it to be. I was surprised to hear their answers weren’t about what their partners were doing, they were about the things that they weren’tdoing.

While they unanimously agreed that their sex was swell, they also all agreed they just wanted a little more of these eight things. Listen up, gents!

1. Whisper in our ears.
When we’re getting our sexy on, we obviously want to feel sexy and when you whisper in our ear how sexy we are, it really gets us going. Tell us why you enjoy being with us and I guarantee we’ll reciprocate your efforts.

2. Tell us why you think we’re beautiful.

Every girl wants to feel beautiful, duh. But it’s not just enough to tell us that we are beautiful; us emotionally complicated creatures want assurance as to why you believe this to be true. Yes, we love that you think we have a “sexy ass” and “amazing tits,” but while you’re under those sheets, we’d also like to be reminded of our beautiful smile and our amazing eyes. Every lady wants to be beautiful from head to toe, not just boobs to ass. We want to be the women of your dreams, not just the women of your fantasies.

3. Ask us what we like … and really mean it.

Every single girl I know has been with at least one guy who was going at it while saying things like, “You like that? Oh yeah baby, you like that!” Um, if you’re telling us that we like it, chances are you didn’t even bother to ask us. So ask! And when you ask us, we want you to really ask us. Don’t make the act of asking a rhetorical ego booster that makes you feel like you’re “doing us right.” Ask if we like what you’re doing because you really want to do us right, not because you’re assuring yourself that you are. Trust us, ladies want to be having just as much fun as you would like to think we are having, but we don’t all like the same things so do yourself a favor and find out what gets us going.

4. More foreplay!

Most men I know can go from 0 to 60 in half a second but it takes women a lot longer. Sure, a quickie is nice every once in a while, but why rush it? We want and need foreplay to get us ready for the grand finale. We know you’re excited but give us a little time to get there as well. Not to mention that not only does foreplay feel hella good, but knowing that you’re focused on making our entire body tingle will make us want to return the favor.

5. We want less control. I mean more. I mean …

This one was a split pole when I questioned my friends. Half wanted their men to take charge and rough it up a bit. “He’s so respectful of me that he’s almost afraid of using any force in the bedroom but what I really want is for him to grab me and take control,” said one of my friends. I’m obviously not suggesting turning up the roughness to full volume without your woman’s consent but you’d be surprised how many of us enjoy playing a more passive role in the bedroom and want nothing more than for you to run the show. That’s one opinion. The other other half of my friends said they wanted their man to back off a bit and let them take the reins. “I feel like as a woman I have a lot less control in the real world than a man does and there’s nothing hotter than switching that up and being the one in charge in the bedroom,” another friend said. So for this one men, please refer to #3 and find out which side of this opinion your lady leans to.

6. Make sure we both finish.

This seems SO obvious, except apparently it isn’t. If you’re going to cum and then flop down beside us before we finish, we didn’t really need to be there because they make blow-up dolls for that. This sex thing, it takes (at least) two people so make sure both of those people reap the rewards of their participation.

7. Change it up.

We’re women, which means you’ll never completely understand us because we constantly change our minds! One day we want romance and the next, we want something else. So basically, in order for you to give us what we want, you’re going to have to constantly change what you give us. We love rose petals on the bed and candles around the tub because we love romance but we also love the thrill of being whisked away for semi-public sex. Not only will the change-up in sex excite us, but it’ll let us know that you’re interested in keeping things fresh.

8. Bring in reinforcements.

As much as we like your man parts, sometimes they just don’t quite hit the spot for us. In those cases, we want you to grab a few extra batteries and a buzzing little toy to help us get to where we need to be. As frustrating as it might be for you to not be able to finish us off with nothing more than your manhood, it’s even more frustrating for us to be left unsatisfied. Just because we need a little more, doesn’t mean you weren’t enough; it just means you’re man enough todo what it takes to please your lady. Trust us, we applaud you for your efforts.

9. Read our body language.

While we may want it rougher in some areas, there are a few areas – namely the clitoris and the nipples – where we’d like it gentler. Unfortunately, a lot of you dudes get so caught up in the moment that you fail to decipher our “ooo’s” and “ah’s” from our “ah’s!” and “ouch’s!” As my friends agree, we want you to be in tune with our cues so that you know when to lighten it up a little bit. Good sex starts with good communication, so be a great partner and listen to what our body is telling you, especially if our body is flinching, fidgeting, or jumping. Ouch!

This article originally appeared on YourTango

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Comment of the Week: DTMFA!

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Reader Inness channeled her inner Dan Savage this week (DTMFA — look it up) with a heartfelt response to the post, “Help: My Inability to Orgasm Is Ruining My Relationship.” Now what we want to know is: How can we ensure that our snappy acronyms make it into the Urban Dictionary?

DTMFA. This guy is shaming you and the way your body works. He’s not threatening to break up with you for SELFLESS reasons, and certainly not because you’re broken in any way. He’s making this threat because he’s an insecure asshole. You should tell him that the absolute WORST way to get someone to orgasm is to stress them out about it, then go find someone whose ultimate goal in bed is to have fun with you and to make you both happy, not to make you orgasm the way that makes him feel most like a man. Again, dump the motherfucker already. Or at least give him a very stern talking to.

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How to Determine Whether Your Dating Age Gap Is Embarrassing

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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week, a straight woman asks, “How much younger than them do you think most guys are comfortable dating before it becomes embarrassing? Or is there no limit as long as the youngster in question is legal and not a complete airhead?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Yes, there is an age too young for anyone to date. But I think it happens only after you hit 35. Any dating combo of two people both under 35 (provided both are over 21…yes, 21, not 18) is probably not a big deal. No one really considers themselves that old before hitting 35.

After 35, all bets are off. If you’re over 35 and you date someone more than 10 years your junior, you will — and rightly so — be mocked (and silently envied) by your friends and enemies for such dating hubris. It will put you squarely in the “oh please” zone. And this goes for both men and women: Dating much younger than yourself connotes a power dynamic that is creepy yet totally gender non-specific. Both sexes look entirely ridiculous parading their toy around, be it male or female. But if you’re over 35, you can date anyone — of any age disparity — who is also over 35. A 65-year-old and 37-year-old? Sure, why not.

This might seem arbitrary, but age designations exist for a reason. The good people of corporate America have decided that once we’re older than 35, we are no longer a desirable marketing demographic. That’s real science, people. After 35, big age differences are obviously apparent, but both parties have fully exited the nubile stage so no one really cares. You are no longer hip, cool, or capable of dating someone who had a “The Voice”-themed Bar Mitzvah. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it. Hell, if someone of the Gen Next persuasion wants to tap your old bones, consider yourself lucky. Besides, anyone who mocks you, well, your old ears won’t be able to hear them anyway, so who cares.

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): For guys in their twenties, like me, up to guys in their mid-thirties, I think the lowest we should go is 21. If I cannot legally have a glass of wine or cocktail with a girl, I don’t want to date her. It’s not that I am some sort of alcoholic or can’t have a good time sober, but there’s something sexy and intimate about sitting in a bar that cannot be substituted by Starbucks or Jamba Juice. It also makes me feel like an old man if I am with someone that has to use a fake ID to buy a beer. Besides, if the girl in question is still in school, the conversation will usually leave something to be desired due to her lack of life experiences and responsibilities — it’s hard to listen to tales of college papers when I’ve got bills to pay and employees to manage, you know? There is a lot to be said for being in the same place in life, age-wise at least.

But generally, I think women a good five years younger (so long as they aren’t under 21) work well since women tend to be more mature than us guys. For an older man, say in his forties or fifties, a fifteen year age gap is socially acceptable and generally comfortable. And I think once a woman passes the age of thirty, up to a twenty year difference with an older guy is just fine.

Straight Married Guy (Jim): Come on, give us guys some credit: most of us know there’s a huge difference (emotionally, intellectually, maturity-wise) between someone around our own age and an 18-year-old with AP credit. She’d have to be a Rhodes Scholar studying quantum physics if the difference in their ages was more than about 25% of his. So, what does he teach?

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Help: My Inability to Orgasm Is Ruining My Relationship

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for a few months now but he’s becoming frustrated that he can’t bring me to orgasm. For a little background information, it has never been easy for me to reach orgasm especially with another person. I have somewhat successfully mastered being able to reach orgasm with a vibrator. But never through manual stimulation and only a handful of times during oral sex.

My boyfriend isn’t doing anything wrong, is the problem. It feels absolutely euphoric and I get right on the edge of climaxing, but then it just doesn’t happen. My boyfriend blames my vibrators and feels insecure that I can orgasm with them but not with him. He feels like he’s failing in the sex department when it’s completely opposite.

I love having sex with him and we go at it like animals. But this orgasm frustration is really starting to interfere. Tonight he suggested breaking up because he feels like he’s not fulfilling my sexual needs, and it’s killing our relationship. We usually have so much fun together, and I love being with him. I don’t want to see us break up over this. Help!

— On the Edge

What should On the Edge do? Leave your suggestions in the Comments section below.

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Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide!

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This is our five-part series on sexy gift giving this holiday season. We start with the affordable gifts around 10 bucks and work our way up with gifts priced around $25, $50, $100 and $150+. They’re not all sex toys, so you’re sure to find something for every adult on your shopping list!

Gifts for Around $10

Gifts for Around $20

Gifts for Around $50

Gifts for Around $100

Gifts for $150+

Your Weekly Horoscopes: 12-01-14

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometimes it’s not about who has the best lines or the firmest butt or the biggest bank account. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of stamina — who stays the longest and the latest. This week, your Energizer Bunny-like persistence will work in your favor.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week — but somehow, this will only add to your charm. (We never said any of this astrology stuff had to make sense.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
God, your hair is perfect. Your teeth? Like a friggin’ Crest White Strips commercial. When you walk into a room, everyone turns and stares, mistaking you for a celebrity. You’ve even got an entourage that’s just one hanger-on short of a harem. Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, because someone’s going to expose you for the charlatan you are. And when they finally tell everyone about the time they caught you naked with the Jell-O mold, then where will you be, huh?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s not paranoia if they’re really talking about you. And do you really think your partner would be planning a surprise birthday party for you six months in advance? Are you sure that’s the explanation for the late-night hushed phone conversations, the unexplained hang-ups after midnight, and their sudden need for a pint of ice cream from the deli at two a. m.? Wise up, sucker.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your mother would like you to know that she thinks it’s about time you thought about settling down. The stars agree.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Think about what you are doing. Or maybe just think about who you are doing. Is he or she really right for you? Just like forest green makes you look washed out, that lame-o bimbo/himbo you picked up at the conference in Tulsa makes your ass look fat. Pick partners that bring out the color in your eyes, bring out the best in you, and most importantly bring out the trash. For reals, the people you’ve been dating lately simply are the trash.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your easygoing nature will attract romantic interests this week. But then your need to spill your guts will send them away screaming.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Yeah, you’re a freak. But that’s O-Kay. Who wants to be like everybody else? Predictable is boring. If someone doesn’t understand your borderline-sexual obsession with dolls, or your job at the morgue, or your collection of antique speculums, well then, they probably aren’t good enough for you anyway.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, before Netflix and Hulu and Amazon on demand, there were these things called “video stores.” And if you went to the video store in the mood for a real tear-jerker, you didn’t hang around the sci-fi section hoping someone would have accidentally filed a Meg Ryan flick there. And if only Mystic Pizza would do (like we said, this was a looooong time ago), and the store was one of those asinine, film-snobby places that filed everything (even the schlock) according to director, then you didn’t just stand there looking lost until one of the clerks took you by the hand and led you to Julia. No, you went after what you wanted, and if you couldn’t find it, you asked the video store clerk, no matter how much of a stuck-up, condescending, filmmaker-wannabe he or she was. Take a tip from the good ol’ days and act this way in your love life. Jeez, if it was worth doing for a five-day rental, surely it’s also worth doing for the potential love of a lifetime, or even just for a five-minute lunchtime quickie.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’re going to be moodier than a goth teen who’s grounded on the only night the Cure is in town. This is mostly a result of you being confused regarding your feelings toward a certain someone. Of course, in typical moody-teen fashion, you will take out your bad mood on this same “someone.” Dude, we’d ground you, too.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The stars suggest that you “Start the week off by letting potential partners come to you. By the end of the week you should be in a position to make your choice and make your move on whomever you feel is the right lover for you.” Which sounds to us like a 168-hour orgy. But then again, we once yelled out “giant poo stacks!” when driving past the dark brown hills surrounding Phoenix, Arizona. Assuming you’re a tad more mature than that, enjoy taking the high road, with your well-chosen lover by your side. And we’ll take the dirt road, heh heh.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, plead the fifth when you can and you’ll get the sex. Say the wrong thing and it’s all over but for the crying. Chances are, if you do open your mouth, you’ll say the wrong thing. So like we said, plead the fifth.

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Happy Thanksgiving Weekend!

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This Thanksgiving, we are giving thanks for turkey porn, addictive podcasts, our awesome and innovative BFF sponsors LELO, good friends who are not embarrassed when they accidentally leave their Diva Cup behind at a dinner party, reproductive rights (while we still have them, at least…), the “All About That Baste” parody video, husbands who shop for feminine hygiene products, and six-year-old daughters who ask questions like, “Why do all the girls get saved by boys in Disney movies?”

We’ll be taking a break from this site for the rest of the week to appreciate all of the above. In the meantime, but sure to check out our Thanksgiving Issue: Love in the Time of Turkey for everything you need to survive this holiday — except the recipes! We’ll be back to our regular schedule on Monday.

20% OFF & Free Shipping on all LELO Pleasure Products Through Cyber Monday!

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photo via LELO

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LELO is offering EMandLO.com readers a whopping 20% off this Black Friday Weekend, from Thanksgiving Day through end of the day Monday! Plus, they’ll throw in a free bottle of LELO personal moisturizer (read: lube) on any orders over $100! Just use code EM&LO1 at checkout. Now is the time to get your partner that couple’s massager, your best friend a new best friend, and yourself some quality alone-time! The holidays are here, so put some OH OH OH! in your and your loved ones’ lives with LELO!

4 Ways to Tell a Guy You’ve Been Faking

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Are you a liar, liar, whose pants, unfortunately, are not on fire at all? If you’ve been faking orgasms with your boyfriend or husband, you need to fess up — after all, the only way to get orgasms is to be honest about what does and doesn’t work for you. You know all this, right? But you just can’t figure out how to tell the truth after all this time. If this sounds like you, then you have four choices:

1. Tell him you’ve been faking.

Explain that you only lied because you were scared and insecure (or embarrassed, or shy, or whatever your reasons) and you’re telling the truth now because he means so much to you and you feel he deserves the truth. Apologize profusely. Make him feel really special, like he’s the only guy who’s ever earned your trust enough to be told the truth, like he’s the only one you’ve ever met who’s man enough to handle the truth. (Do not tell him that other guys have been able to make you climax during intercourse, even if that’s the truth.) Explain to him that the majority of women (like 70%!) don’t climax from intercourse alone — it’s just the way our bodies are built. Then show him exactly how you do climax. And make sure he knows you’d love nothing more than to figure out various ways to get you off together, whether during intercourse or not.

2. Keep on faking and living a lie.

As the years go on, the fights and the sex will both get worse until just the way he holds his fork will annoy the shit out of you and you’ll end up taking it out on him by sleeping with his best friend and then later when you get really mad at him you’ll scream, “I hate you! I’ve always faked with you! But you know who I don’t fake with? Your best friend!”

3. Dump him and find a new man to start over with, this time being honest from the start.

Hey, we never said these were four easy options!

4. Ease into the truth.

For the record, we don’t recommend this approach: when it comes to fessing up about faking, we think option #1 — the band-aid approach — works best. But if you’re feeling really wussy, we guess this approach is better than faking for the rest of your life (#2) or dumping a guy (or even a husband!) you really like (#3).

Start by increasing clitoral stimulation during intercourse — and there are plenty of ways to do it. Encourage him to use his hand on you, or use your hand on yourself. Or bring a little vibrator into the bedroom, or get him to wear one of those vibrating love rings or finger vibes. Or try out positions that are high on full-body contact, like the famous coital alignment technique. Gush effusively about how amazing the sex is when you do these things together for a little Pavlovian conditioning.

Next, encourage him to spend time using his hands on you or going down on you before intercourse — no reason why you can’t have your orgasm before the intercourse starts. And for the record, climaxing during oral sex is climaxing during sex. Same with getting off on handwork. They’re just different varieties of sex, and there’s no shame in favoring one over another. Also, you may well find that intercourse feels even better — perhaps even orgasmic — after you’ve climaxed once. For more tips on how to make sex better for you, check out the advice we gave a while back to a woman who couldn’t orgasm with her boyfriend.

Assuming that at least some of these tips work, eventually you’ll get to a point where some of the stuff you do together makes you climax — and some of the stuff doesn’t. Eventually you might actually be able to tell him, in all honesty, that he made “the earth move like no other.” And if the gods are smiling on you, you might even be able to phase out the faking without your guy catching on.

But assuming your guy is actually paying attention to you in bed — and if he’s not, then that’s your problem right there! — we’re guessing you’re still going to have to fess up. At this point, however, the truth won’t hurt so much — because it’s not like you’re telling him that you’re a big fat faker and nothing he does has ever made you climax. No, you’ll be telling him that you’re a medium-sized faker and some of the stuff he does works better than other stuff. Gentler on a guy’s ego, we have to assume.

That all said, however, we still think that just sitting down with your man — outside the bedroom — and telling him the truth is the way to go, not only because honesty is the best policy, but because guys need to learn that intercourse isn’t the be-all-end-all for a lot of women.

We’ve talked to numerous women who’ve had this conversation with their guys, and the most common reaction is that the guy takes it as a challenge: He wants to jump into bed right then and there and not come up for air until the faker in question has climaxed for reals. Hey, maybe your boyfriend or husband is that kind of guy. And if he’s not? Well, he wasn’t really a keeper after all, was he? The truth hurts, but a life of faking hurts way more.

When It’s Okay to Invite a Guy Home for Thanksgiving

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One of our favorite Thanksgiving movies, Pieces of April

One of our favorite Thanksgiving movies, Pieces of April

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “When will a guy feel comfortable being invited to his partner’s family’s place for Thanksgiving?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Each guy is different with regards to when he would feel comfortable, and frankly, there isn’t a formula that goes, “I’ve been with this guy for X amount of time and it is then correct time to introduce him to my family on the holiday most often reserved for blow-outs and confrontations.” Why guess and why worry about whether or not it’s the right time? Be direct. Communicate. You’re not psychic. Ask for what you want. If you feel like you want to introduce him to your family, then tell him so and tell him why you want to. He’ll either agree that it’s “appropriate” and be cool with with the idea, or he may balk and reject going for his own reasons, which I’d hope he’d articulate. But most importantly, don’t guess when is right, find out by just asking him.

Straight Married Guy (Mark Luczak): For the most part, I’d say the family Thanksgiving comfort level is reached when there’s a firmly established exclusive relationship. If it’s serving specifically as the Meet The Family (gasp!), that’s always a big benchmark — while the pageantry of any holiday can be an additional pressure, on the other hand it may be as good an opportunity as any to get the big introduction over with, if both partners feel ready (kind of pulling the band-aid off all at once, heh).

But in the case where some family has already met him, mutual comfort between one’s relatives and one’s partner usually mirrors the seriousness of the relationship to begin with. If your family has been gradually getting to know the guy and starting to recognize that things are perhaps becoming more serious, then it’s likely it’ll be identified as a situation where you’d want to bring him, and he’d equally want to be your plus-one.

james_glazebrook_100 Straight Married English Guy (James Glazebrook): It depends — is he Native American? Is it cool for me as an Englishman to joke about this stuff? I’m not clear on the history of it all. In fact, everything I know about Thanksgiving comes from that Friends episode when Joey gets his head stuck in a Turkey — and I’m thinking that’s no basis for relationship advice.

Over here, the equivalent is probably being invited over for Christmas dinner. In which case, unless you’re just “having fun” or in that weird hinterland between dating and being boyfriend and girlfriend, then go for it. There’s going to be free food and drink, gifts and great TV (I’m not sure you get presents at Thanksgiving, but you’re definitely blessed with football), and your family will be at their drunkest and therefore their most entertaining. The only uncomfortable feeling should be heartburn, and that’ll soon pass.

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Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married English Guy is James Glazebrook; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our other Straight Married Guy is Mark Luczak. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Your Call: Do I HAVE to Go to My Partner’s Family Thanksgiving?

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photo via flickr

Hi,

My boyfriend of eight months invited me to his family Thanksgiving, which is sweet, but I’ve met them and I’d really rather not go through the pain of it (they’re religious, Republican, old fashioned). I don’t have any alternative plans (my family is too far away for me to make the trip, plus they’re their own kind of crazy) though I could probably crash in on some friends. Although being alone wouldn’t be as bad, I think, as spending forced “quality time” with his family (in separate rooms! we’re in our late 20s/early 30s). We’re good, but I’m not sure he’s “the one” and that we’ll be spending the rest of our Thanksgivings together. I know he’ll be hurt if I bail, but I really, really don’t want to go. One crazy family is enough! Am I in my rights to decline?

Thank you!

Pardon This Turkey

What advice do you have for P.T.T.? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

10 Ways to Win Over Your Partner’s Parents This Thanksgiving “Engage in no more PDA than your partner’s parents do” — and other invaluable advice for the holidays.
Turkey Cooking Tips for Better Sex Cooking turkey and having sex have more in common than you think!
Your Call: Why Didn’t He Invite Me to Thanksgiving? It’s obviously too late to help this reader in particular, but the debate in the comments about when to invite a partner for Thanksgiving is evergreen.

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