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Top 6 Sex Ed Lessons from The Bachelorette
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photo via ABC

The Bachelorette is kicking ass and taking names! Having a baby breakdown because you didn’t get picked for the team? Kaitlyn’ll embarrass you further by calmly telling you to take your ball(s) and go home. Playing hard to get and not paying attention to her on a date? She’ll call you out for the disrespect in front of everyone. Pretending to be into her because you want to stay to have a gay secret love affair with one of the other contestants? She’s coming for you! (Alas, not until next week.)

Last night was chock full of great moments and great lines: He’s a babe soda… I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy [repeated word-for-word at least 12 times]… Villains gotta vil… He’s one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history. Tony’s pecs, twitching in new-age anger, were quite a site to behold. Shawn B taught the world how not to be subtle after a kiss: compulsively wiping the spittle off his lips with the back of his hand and adjusting his shirt to hide an uppity boner. And we really appreciated the equal opportunity objectification: if female contestants on The Bachelor are forced to walk down a public L.A. sidewalk in their bikinis, then male contestants on The Bachelorette have to publicly sumo wrestle in loincloths so revealing their balls are in jeopardy of getting sunburnt — that’s cosmic justice…fucked-up cosmic justice, but justice just the same.

The highlight of the night was, of course, the bromance (and then some) brewing between Clint and JJ. We thought for sure the promo for last night’s episode hinting at their secret gay love affair was just a cheap marketing ploy created with some creative editing of quotes taken out of their context. But, to our amazement, it actually seemed legit: there was the topless cuddling on the couch, JJ pulling a hankie out of his right back pocket (a gay signaling code), apparently Clint lovingly popping some of JJ’s back zits in the shower, and Clint confessing — on camera, in one breath, without any cutaways — that he’s fallen for a man. Have the producers finally realized that casting bisexuals is a great way to foster drama in the house? That’s some next-level evil-genius shit right there. But you know what’s even more evil than that? Producers convincing contestants to pretend to be gay as a hilarious lark in order to foster drama in the house, because gay people are dramatic and hilarious. So funny we forgot to laugh:

As sex writers, what horrified us the most last night was the group date in which the guys tried — and spectacularly failed — to teach a sex ed class to adolescents. Their embarrassment about the topic, their ignorance of basic anatomical and reproductive knowledge, their narrow-minded views of what constitutes sex — these were all glaring examples of how far we have to go in terms of educating not only kids, but adults about sexuality. It didn’t help matters that ABC felt the need to bleep and blur out certain parts of the lesson, as if basic, straightforward info about the way bodies work reproductively and sexually is obscene. This is what’s wrong with American sex education!

So below are our corrections to and improvements on the sex ed lesson the guys gave to the kids and, indirectly, to Bachelor Nation:

  1. Sex ed should be an ongoing, life-long, often self-started process. Not one health class in school. Or a single conversation about “the birds and the bees” between parents and kids. And if the entirety of your sexual education has come solely from observing the cows on your farm, you are obligated to do the job your parents and your public school failed to do by reading and learning from respected books, articles and websites (like ours!) on the topic of sex, reproduction, anatomy and technique. Even if you got decent sex ad as a kid, keep learning — or at least brushing up — as an adult.
  2. Not all sex is heterosexual. Both Ryan  B. and the teacher made several statements that assumed all sexual activity happens between only men and women: [The vagina] is an important part so I want to let all the guys know where it is….If you want girls to like you, you should know where [the clitoris] is… [The clitoris] is something stimulated on the female, and that’s what makes her want to have sex with you [a boy] again… Sex can happen alone, with someone of the opposite sex, or with same sex partners.
  3. The vulva and the vagina are not the same thing. The vulva is the external genitalia of females, including the clitoris, urethral opening, inner and outer labia, and vaginal opening. The vagina is the canal between the vulva and the cervix (the opening of the uterus) through which blood during menstruation and fetuses during childbirth may pass.
  4. Sex is not a linear series of steps culminating in heterosexual intercourse. “The bases” are a terrible road map for kids — or anyone for that matter — to use to navigate their sexuality. We need to reconceptualize sex so that hetero intercourse is not the be-all-end-all of sexual activity. There’s masturbation, frottage, manual sex, oral sex, and toy play that, again, can occur alone (ok, maybe not the oral), with an opposite-sex partner, or with a same-sex partner.
  5. Periods are not gross. Using phrases like “don’t be freaked out” and “the lining of your uterus basically dies” when explaining the process of menstruation only adds to the pervasive social myth that it is something to be feared and grossed out by. When kids have an overwhelming “Ew!” reaction to one of the most basic bodily functions of half the population, they need their bad attitudes to be checked — gently, of course. And they’re called tampons, not tempens.
  6. This is how natural heterosexual reproduction works. Points to Ben H. for a creative and loving portrayal of reproduction, but he made some factual errors that need to be corrected: Sperm (plural) travel to the egg (singular), which is in the fallopian tube (not the ovaries), after being released from one of the two ovaries. There, one sperm (singular) may fertilize the egg which begins  the process of cell division. The fertilized egg moves into the uterus and implants in the lining: conception is complete and pregnancy begins.  It should be noted that there are other ways for reproduction to occur with the aid of technology and without intercourse.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelorette.”

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Top 20 Tips for Graduating College Students
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photo via flickr

Tis the season for viral commencement speeches, when celebrities from the D-list all the way up to, oh, Bill Clinton, tell college grads how to reach for the stars and find their way in this world and use sunscreen. Our favorite speech of all time remains David Foster Wallace’s “This Is Water,” which he delivered at Kenyon College in 2005. (Watch it here, or get it as a miniature coffee table book here.)

Believe it or not, most commencement speakers won’t tell you how to make long-term monogamy work, or what the etiquette is for post-college booty calling. So while we are decidedly below D-list status, we would like to share our advice for heading out into the big, bad, real world.

1. Dating gets better. We know you’ve been told that college years are the best years of your life, and this may be true when it comes to, say, drinking until you fall over and facing zero repercussions when you sleep until four the next afternoon. But it’s not true when it comes to dating. Your best dating years are ahead of you. Sure, you will experience some horrendous first dates — probably many. And we’re fairly sure you will also suffer at least one heart-rending breakup — an experience so bad that you will want to curl up in a ball in your bathtub and never come out. But, in general, people in their twenties and thirties are much better at dating than college kids. For one thing: They actually date.

2. Monogamy doesn’t come naturally. It takes work. If you decide that monogamy is for you — and we highly recommend it — then you’re going to have to work to buttress it. In other words, don’t put yourself in temptation’s way — no boozy late-night drinks with former booty calls.

3. Monogamy isn’t for everyone. And that’s okay. What’s not okay is pretending you’re good with monogamy, and then lying and cheating your way through a supposedly monogamous relationship. If you’re not ready to be with just one person — and maybe you’ll never be ready for this — then explore the possibilities of non-monogamy. Like monogamy, it has many pros, and like monogamy, it takes work.

4. Condoms are more important than sunscreen. Okay, so sunscreen is important, too, especially when sunbathing naked (ouch), but condoms matter, too.  Also, get tested for STDs frequently, and be honest about your sexual history. And get that HPV vaccine! It’s not too late.

5. We don’t care what the Princeton Mom says: Rape is not a “learning experience.” In case you didn’t learn this in college (and current statistics suggest you probably haven’t): Even if you know the person, even if you’re drunk, even if you’re on a date with them — if you don’t want to have sex and the person continues, then it’s rape. With or without duct tape. And if anyone (ahem, Princeton Mom) attempts to call it “a clumsy hookup melodrama” or a “fumbled attempt at a kiss or a caress,” then you just tell them to go back to the seventies where they belong. This is 2015, and rape is rape.

6. Being good at sex is like studying for a test: Sure, there are some general test-taking skills that are useful to know, but to really ace a test, you need knowledge specific to that test. Put it this way: Just as someone who says they’re “a really good test taker” won’t necessarily ace the MCATs if they didn’t take any pre-med classes, so someone who thinks they’re “good in bed” won’t necessarily be able to please their partner if they don’t know that partner’s quirks and wants. So ask questions, and listen to the answers. Pay attention to body language and moans and groans, too. Consider each new sexual experience a blank slate (but not in that Taylor Swift way).

7. You don’t have to like casual sex. Sure, you might feel way too young to settle down, but that doesn’t mean that you have to embrace one-night stands and drunken booty calls if that’s not your thing. Serial monogamy has its perks, too — and if you believe point #6, above, then this may just lead to better sex.

8. But if you enjoy casual sex, don’t let anyone shame you for this. Especially if you’re a woman. As long as everyone in bed is being safe and honest and having fun, it’s all good.

9. Think twice before texting a nude photo of yourself. Consider cropping your face if you just can’t resist. Here’s a rule of thumb: if you’re not ready to introduce the recipient to your parents, then it’s probably a bad idea to trust them with your dirty pics.

10. That said, no matter what you think of the body you have now, one day you will look back on it in awe, so consider preserving it for posterity. Ask your partner — or even a good friend! — to shoot you nude. Better yet, get a professional to do the job. You’ll thank us later.

11. Porn is not worth losing a partner over, no matter where you stand on the issue. There’s always a compromise to be found.

12. If you like someone, just ask them out already. That goes double for you ladies.  If they think you’re desperate or needy for asking, then screw them and the insecure horse they hobbled in on.

13. There’s no such thing as normal in bed, whether you’re graduating a virgin or you like to role-play in a sweater vest in bed. There’s only what you like… and what you don’t.

14. You don’t have to be friends with all your exes, and you certainly don’t have to be Facebook friends with them. But you should be Facebook friends with us (and we’ll never break your heart).

15. In the best relationships, sex keeps getting better. But this is not an excuse to settle for someone you don’t have chemistry with — sex can’t get that much better.

16. Lube is not a crutch. We’re not joking. You may be young and nubile, but that’s no guarantee that the rivers will be flowing down there. There’s no shame in reaching for that pump dispenser — in fact, it makes sex better for everyone.

17. Don’t ever do something in bed just to get someone to like you. It won’t work, and it’ll just make you feel shitty in the morning. This goes for blowjobs, getting kinky, taking nude pics, or just plain sleeping with someone.

18. About once a millennium, a booty call matures into a real relationship. You are not the exception to this rule.

19. It’s okay to like Taylor Swift. Ditto One Direction, or rom coms, or putting ketchup on your steak. The easiest way to find people — both friends and lovers — who like you for who you really are is to be yourself.

20. Write your own damn commencement speech. We’re serious: actually write something down. Or, whatever, type it if you can’t remember how to hold a pen. Pick ten or twenty things that you want to remember, or things you want to do, or things you swear you’ll never do. Repeat every June, and pay attention to the things that appear year after year. This is more important than anything a commencement speaker has to say. Except condoms — and sunscreen on your naughty bits.

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Fortune Cookie Week (June 1st)
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photo via Pixabay.com

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we get our inspiration from the best place to get life advice (besides here): fortune cookies.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Socializing will lead to interesting conversations . . . in bed.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Ask and you shall receive . . . in bed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Work to become, not to acquire . . . in bed.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
An intellectual approach to life and work will win you many influential friends . . . in bed.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar . . . in bed.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Secrets and lies will do more harm than good . . . in bed.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The cautious rarely err, and rarely have any fun . . . in bed.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Confucius says, Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance . . . in bed.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do not to give your heart too freely to someone greedy . . . in bed.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Beware the perils of peer pressure . . . in bed.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
A friendship should not be treated like a business relationship . . . in bed.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be careful not to open up too quickly with those you know little about . . . in bed.

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8 Rules for Shooting Naughty Videos with Your Partner
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photo via Flickr

Thinking of playing a little very candid camera with your other half? Engaging in your own sexual shoot, whether as the star or the director or both, can automatically make things more dramatic and theatrical, even if you end up keeping most of your clothes on or refuse to make any cliched “orgasm faces.” But, without thinking things through, the results can be unflattering, embarrassing, or even publicly humiliating (much more likely results than the empire born out of the butt of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape). So take heed:

  1. Only do it with someone you trust with your life. Or at least someone you have incriminating dirt on so you have something to bargain with should they threaten to release your video to the public.
  2. That said, you probably shouldn’t make a sex “tape” unless you’re okay with it ending up online. You just never know.
  3. You don’t have to look, sound, or act like a porn star or producer to whip out a camera during your next romp in the bedroom. So don’t stress about “dialogue” or dirty talk — just do your thing. The mere fact that you’re recording the act will feel dirty enough.
  4. You don’t have to include your full bodies in the shot. You don’t even have to show anything that dirty. Try a cool angle, like from the head of the bed (but remember, never from below lest you look like beached whales) or a close head-&-shoulders crop: the focus can be on your expressions, your sounds, and the intimacy of the moment. Or shoot everything but your faces.
  5. Along the same lines of less is more, if you have any body parts you’re self conscious about, then by all means use an item of clothing, a blanket, a pillow, dramatic chiaroscuro lighting, or your partner to hide them.
  6. If your video camera’s got one, turn on its night-vision feature — it obscures imperfections and creates a funky, sci-fi look. Plus, you can shoot entirely in the dark, which is a tequila-free method of loosening inhibitions.
  7. If your squeaky mattress gives the video a slapstick feel, then cut the sound and replace it with your favorite in-the-mood song. (A million Hollywood directors can’t be wrong.)
  8. To be on the safe side, consider erasing all incriminating evidence immediately afterwards. And no, that doesn’t defeat the purpose: Creating a naughty video together is more about the process than the end result. Plus, if you delete it immediately, there’s no chance that Aunt Mabel will accidentally stumble upon your “art” when she’s nosily scrolling through your camera at the family reunion.

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20 Sexy Poem Quotes to Tattoo On Your Body
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photo via Flickr

Forget angels and butterflies — the latest trend in tattoos is words. Check out Flavorwire’s roundup for the best literary quotes ever tattooed, for some awesome examples. We also love their feature on celebrities with literary tattoos — did you know that both Lena Dunham and Elliott Smith inked Ferdinand the Bull on their arms?

Anyway, we here at EMandLO.com decided that the world needs more sensual literary tattoos. After all, this is your own body we’re talking about. And we’re sure there are plenty of people who get a kind of kinky thrill from the pain of a tattoo. So, to balance out all those “Southern Comfort” tattoos in the crotch region, here are some highbrow sexy words to ink on your body…

1. “Whatever happens with us, your body will haunt mine” — Adrienne Rich

2. “this is that taste” — Adrienne Rich

3.  “lightly and you utterly will become with infinite care the poem which i do not write” — e.e. cummings

4. “Lady, i will touch you with my mind” — e.e. cummings

5. “to break is to be sanctified. to find in the body a safehouse where all your monsters get to be raucous”
— Marty McConnell

6. “The thin red jellies within you or within me, the bones and the marrow in the bones” — Walt Whitman

7. “O I say now these are the soul!” — Walt Whitman

8. “all falls aside but myself and it” — Walt Whitman

9. “please master drive me thy vehicle, body of love drops, sweat fuck body of tenderness” — Allen Ginsberg

10. “in your rhythm thrill-plunge & pull-back-bounce & push down” — Allen Ginsberg

11. “Eat me, drink me, love me” — Christina Rossetti

12. “Like a vessel at the launch When its last restraint is gone” — Christina Rossetti

13. “Let us roll all our strength and all Our sweetness up into one ball” — Andrew Marvel

14. “You are the one I am lit for” — Lucille Clifton

15. “Licence my roving hands, and let them go, Before, behind, between, above, below.” — John Donne

16.  “All fact contact, the attack and the interlock Of tongues, the charms of arms.” — W.H. Auden

17. “And when I left you, I was so on fire” — Catullus

18. “how they glowed, remember, in the eyes gazing at you; how they trembled in the voice, for you, remember, body” — Constantine Cavafy

19. “Let’s shut up and dance. Let’s shut up and grind and get sore.” — Krystal Languell

20. “You do shots of bourbon, I’ll pretend I’m Nick Cave.” — Krystal Languell

 

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Your Call: Does a Blowjob Still Count, Even If You “Finish” with Intercourse?
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photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
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Advice Service!

 

I prefer to give head for a while, and then hop on to finish the deed. Is it still considered a blow job if he finishes during intercourse? I guess I’m mostly interested in the male perspective. 

— Breeze Job

What should BJ do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Last Chance For FREE Lelo Shipping During the Masturbation Month of May!
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photo via LELO

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May is international Masturbation Month, and there’s really only one way to celebrate. To help you observe this holiday in style, LELO is offering free shipping for the last few days of May! Find something shiny and new to spruce up your or your honey’s masturbation routine, and then just enter the following code at checkout: OHLELO

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Yes, Guys Fake Orgasms Too — Here’s How to Tell
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James Franco proves guys can fake it too, in When Harry Met Harry

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer, quite diversely, the following: Do guys fake orgasms?

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Of course! We probably don’t faux the Big O as much as women do, but every now and then the circumstances might call for us to fake. If our endurance is flagging and she’s begging us to finish, of course we might pull a Sally Albright so we can just go to sleep. Obviously it’s a bit more difficult for us to fake a finish considering the visual evidence that comes with our climax, but if the lights are off (or we’re experienced street performers in sleight of hand) we might try and pull a fast one on you if we have to. It’s not you, it’s us. Unless it happens more than once — then it might be you.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): I haven’t heard many guys talk about faking an orgasm (I can’t think of a single one, actually). Guys do sometimes talk about trying desperately to delay an orgasm with a new girlfriend or someone who really turns them on, but not so much with the faking. I have personally only faked once; it was after a girl I was dating and I had already had sex once, and I think she thought she was doing me a favor by initiating a second round. After we’d been going at it for a while, she told me not to wait for her, as she could only have one orgasm per night and had already had one. After some time, being no closer to getting off, I performed my one and only fake orgasm. I was young then, and didn’t realize it would have been just fine to tell her that, like her, another one for me just wasn’t happening.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): If guys fake orgasms, then I ‘d love to know how. Did I miss something? Maybe I’m way behind in sexual know-how, but I can’t think of ever having faked an orgasm. I have wanted to orgasm quickly and get the hell outta there, but that’s just wishing for godspeed, not faking it. I don’t know how or why I’d ever fake it. Boys’ orgasms are so…visual and fun! In your face, on your face, inside you, all over you. Woohoo! I’m curious to see what situations your readers come up with involving guys faking orgasms, ’cause I just keep it real, baby.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: May 26th, 2015
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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, beware of smooth talkers, smooth criminals, smooth moves, and X-Lax.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Spontaneity will win you friends-with-potential. So will picking up the tab.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know that person you’ve been thinking about every time you rub one out lately? It’s time to let them know where they lie in your affections. You might want to go with a euphemism, though — try “I can’t stop thinking about you,” and just leave it at that.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, say it with flowers, say it with concert tickets, say it with oral sex, say it with breakfast in bed, say it with a brand-new sex toy, say it playlists curated just with them in mind, say it with more oral sex — say it with anything but words.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will have a gut feeling about how to spend your fun time this week. Follow it. For example, if you are suddenly consumed by an unexplainable fear that the movie Pitch Perfect 2 won’t even come close to the original, then avoid buying a ticket to it at all costs. If you are overcome with the urge to see how long you can make out with one of the statues at a wax museum before you get thrown out on your perverted ass, run with it!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your sex drive is going to be sagging a little this week, but not to worry. It’s not like your partner is going to take it personally or anything. No, just go right ahead and pop off to your Scrabble tournament, stay up all night to re-watch the first season of Breaking Bad, get stumbling drunk with your friends, watch home improvement shows on TV. No, don’t bother explaining yourself. Really. That would be too much like communication, wouldn’t it?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’ll be the first to admit: Dating’s really hard. What other game do you know where every player has their own set of rules (which are constantly in flux and not always obeyed)? However, this week you make it all look easy. Have you considered getting your own talk show?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: Those damn expectations — of others, of yourself, of life — get you every time. You want things to be a certain way, indeed believe they should be that way, and end up utterly disappointed when they aren’t. (For example, you want the sex but don’t want to have to ask for it, so you send out signals, which in your book are about as subtle as a Klaxon horn, and then get upset when nobody takes the bait.) Here’s your solution: Try to ride the fine line between having hope and being delusional this week — be Zen about it, use the Force, try yoga.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your sensitive, emotional nature will make you a candidate for love this week. It will also make you a candidate for president of Chess Club. But watch out for back-stabbing in both electoral races.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Where does a saucy three-way end and a messy love triangle begin? That’s for you to figure out this week.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Sometimes persistence can be annoying. But annoyingly persistent people get what they want more often than polite wallflowers.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s like that old Leiber & Stoller song “Is That All There Is?”: If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing. Let’s break out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is. Well, that’s all there is for now, so tie one on and seriously get down this week.

 

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Kaitlyn’s First Dates)
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via ABC.com

The Bachelor/ette franchise may have finally been completely ruined for us last nigth after Amy Schumer’s guest appearance during one of Kaitlyn’s group dates. That’s how brilliant she was, turning the show into what it really should be, what it was meant to be. Schumer was her usual, inappropriately hilarious self, but it’s a testement to her craft that she was able to refrain from bringing up any “Bachelor” aborshes, no matter how tempting — the comedian can read an audience (or else the censors just kicked in). After mentoring several contestants on penning their own stand-up routines, hosting the group date at the Improv, and realizing after only half a day that she wants to spend the rest of her life with Kaitlyn, Schumer proved that she should be on every episode of “The Bachelorette,” either as the host (sorry, Chris Harrison) or the bachelorette herself, returing every season, again and again. Now we fear the show may truly be unwatchable from here on out — it was just that good:

Oh, who are we kidding? There are still plenty of love lessons to be learned from the mistakes of those who continue to foolishly go on national television to find love. Here are a quick five from last night:

  1. There is no shame in walking away from a fight. In fact, it’s a sign of character to know your own limits, exhibit more reason than machismo, and be an embassador of peace and love. Plus, why would you want to risk getting your nose broken before a date? Dumb as rocks. Just as everyone who voted for Britt should have walked away from this “process,” everyone other than the “200 pound human brick wall” should have walked away from the ring.
  2. There’s a fine line between confidence and cockiness: don’t cross it. (We’re talking to you, JJ.)
  3. If someone’s made it to age 31 without ever having been in love before, there’s a reason for that — and it’s probably not a good one. (A person using the term “love virgin” is grounds enough for walking away.)
  4. When trying to get someone interested in you, don’t complain to them that they’re not showing enough interest in you. Prove you’re worthy of attention; don’t whine that you’re not getting any (Kupah).
  5. As Britt and Katy Perry will tell you, “After a hurricane comes a rainbow. Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed? So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.” Getting rejected — whether on national television or not — could be the best thing that happens to you.


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Men Who Hate Receiving Blowjobs: Yes, Reader, They Exist
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Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a guy and I hate getting blowjobs. Maybe it’s because I had a few too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences or I’m just a little too sensitive down there, but when a girl starts kissing me all the way down, I grit my teeth and prepare for the worst. It’s finally to the point where I simply flat-out tell the woman whose head is drifting that way to save the energy for other things. The only problem is, now I’m in a committed relationship and my girlfriend feels like it’s her fault I don’t like it, which is entirely untrue. She says she feels guilty when I go down on her and she can’t get me off in return. I’ve been very clear about it but occasionally she will try to surprise me with a “gift” BJ, and I don’t have the heart to tell her no, even though it usually ends up leaving my johnson useless and uncomfortable without any of the pleasure I’m sure other guys get from it. How can I keep her from going down on me? And please don’t tell me to count my blessings because every guy would love it. I’m a guy and I do not.

— Sam I Am

Dear Sam I Am,

Wow. Consider us speechless. We hate to make generalizations when it comes to sex, but if we were forced at gun-point to make just one generalization about sex, it would probably be that every guy enjoys receiving oral sex. And we’re pretty sure that our Wise Guys would have our back there.

But then here you are, and you do not like them, Sam I Am. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be!

Sorry, we’ll stop now. We’re sure that a useless, uncomfortable johnson is no laughing matter to you. It’s just that, as Julia Roberts once said, very few people surprise us. [Editor’s note: Em inserted that Pretty Woman reference; Lo takes zero responsibility for it.]

As far as our advice goes, we’re afraid it’s pretty simple: You’ve got to be blunt and tell your girlfriend, Dr. Seuss-like, that you don’t like BJs ever. Anywhere. On any occasion. You’ve got to be even more clear than you’ve already been. Keep repeating, over and over, that (a) you’re extremely sensitive and it actually hurts, and (b) this has always been the case for years and years. Reassure your girlfriend that the lack of oral in your life doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t feel like you’re missing out. Oh yeah, and make sure she knows that you actually like going down on her — it’s no duty, and you don’t feel like you need to be “repaid” for all your hard work down there.

That said, perhaps you can think of a different nice thing she can do for you in bed, for those times when she really wants to treat you. We understand how the lack of oral sex reciprocity might bother her — bless her, she’s obviously internalized the golden rule of sex! But explain that there are other things she could do that would make you much happier and more turned on. Like, for example…well, that’s your department. Perhaps it’s a back massage or a light spank on the bum or a nipple tweak or just a certain position you really dig. Basically, you need to let her know what sort of “gift” you’d enjoy.

Your only other option is to take advantage of this opportunity of being in a committed relationship and make double-extra-sure, via experimentation, that you really don’t like any blowjobs. If it really is a matter of too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences, then perhaps you can coach your girlfriend toward a BJ that works for you. After all, one of the upsides of a committed relationship is that you have plenty of time to practice and communicate your needs. Perhaps you could tell your girlfriend that you’re super-super-sensitive and have never enjoyed oral in the past, but if she’s willing to try a few different techniques, you’d be willing to lie back and be her lab rat. (And yes, we realize that 99.9% of the male population is currently laughing out loud at how preposterous this scenario sounds.) Tell her to steer clear of the extra-sensitive head, and to start with soft kisses and gentle licks around the outside, not even attempting to put your sensitive specimen in her mouth yet. Take small steps together and maybe you’ll start to enjoy them a little more. We say this simply because, from what we hear, BJs are a pretty fantastic experience for most men, and it’d be a shame if a few bad experiences in the past caused you to miss out on them for the rest of your life.

But, then again, no pressure. There’s no rule that says you have to like blowjobs. Plenty of women could care less about receiving cunnilingus, though they seem to have an easier time skipping it — perhaps because their partners aren’t quite as giving as your girlfriend. And, of course, plenty of women don’t like giving blowjobs (and would probably line up to date you should things not work out between you and your current GF). So while we’ll resist telling you to count your blessings because your girlfriend wants to give you a BJ, we will tell you to count your blessings because you have an awesome partner who wants to please you in bed. Now it’s up to you to let her know how she can do it. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.

Seussily yours,

Em & Lo

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The Best of #WifeBonus on Twitter This Week
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Earlier this week we posted our poem, “13 Ways of Looking at a Wife Bonus,” in response to the news that some Upper East Side stay-at-home moms, married to hedge fund managers and bankers and otherwise rich men, allegedly get end of year “wife bonuses” for good housekeeping (amongst other things). We’re not the only ones a little bit obsessed by the news. It turns out the wife bonus even has its own Twitter handle, @WifeBonus. Here are some of our favorite tweets on the topic so far:

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The Forthcoming Slut-Shaming of the Bachelorette
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Last night, during part two of the season premiere, Bachelor Nation quickly learned that the producers had in fact stacked the deck against Britt to ensure Kaitlyn would take her rightful place as The Bachelorette. But even being staunch supporters of the Kaitlyn campaign did not make watching Britt’s unceremonious dismissal enjoyable. The Highlander gimmick — as with most recent Bachelor gimmicks — seemed incredibly cheap, manipulative and just not worth it. “Hey, we’re going put you on a shaky pedestal, just to watch you fall off!” At least the singer-songwriter Brady followed his heart, pulled himself out of the game, and went in search of Britt, hopefully saving her from a life on ChristianSingles.com. (Maybe yoga-dork Tony should’ve considered walking the walk more, like Brady, instead of just talking all his apparently disingenuous new-age talk.*)

Unfortunately, shaky pedestals are mostly what The Bachelor/ette franchise trades in. And so we discovered in the season highlights featured at the end of the show — undeniably the most dramatic minute of last night’s entire 1-hour episode — that just because Kaitlyn was crowned Bachelorette does not mean she’s going to get off scot free. Oh no, prepare to be taken down a peg or 12!

Apparently, Kaitlyn has sex on this season of “The Bachelorette.” To which you might say, “Yeah, we all know the Bachelor/ettes usually have sex with the three people who end up in their three fantasy suites, so what? This is sanctioned, encouraged, practically obligatory in the world of ‘The Bachlor/ette.’ Nobody judges because it’s understandable that you want to sample the sex before you sign on for a life of it.”

But Kaitlyn has sex before the fantasy suites – Dun dun DUN!!!!!! Cue the foreboding music, the outrage, and, of course, the slut shaming.

We’ll admit, it may not be the nicest or the classiest thing in the world to have sex with one person while you’re dating several others. But then that standard should be applied across the board, even in the fantasy suites — after all, which god deemed that multiple sexual partners is sanctioned only within the sacred confines of a petal-strewn hotel room in the tropics? It’s all so arbitrary!

Which begs the question: is the level of interrogation, judgment and resulting tearful self-indictment that Kaitlin apparently experiences, as suggested in the teaser, really warranted? On his own season, Juan Pablo, who had (some kind of) sex with Clare in the ocean, was spared similar treatment — no, all the ire was directed at Clare, not him. Apparently, women are the guardians of sex; they alone have the burden of good judgment, self restraint and appropriately-timed purity. Men are off the hook, because they can’t help themselves (duh) — women, on the other hand, should really know better.

We can hope the producers just exaggerated the drama and threw up some red herrings to get us to tune in this season (as they’re notorious for…and which we’re suckers for). But even if that’s the case, the producers still edited the package to run Kaitlyn over the rails. They may as well have had wardrobe put her in a shirt with a scarlet letter on the front (made out of rose petals, natch)!

When people are put in impossibly romantic situations, with mood lighting, bathing suites, hot tubs, hotel rooms and countless glasses of champagne — all with at least the spoken intention of finding and falling in love — can we really blame them for taking a hot and heavy makeout session to the next obvious level? And if we can, then we’ve got to be consistent with our blame: If women are expected to abstain, then men must be too; if sex on “The Bachelor/ette” is not okay in regular hotel rooms, then it shouldn’t be okay in the fantasy suites.

It seems like Kaitlyn has the ability to keep things in perspective: at one point she says, “I don’t think I’m a bad person and I’m not ashamed of myself. [I just] made a huge mistake.” Let’s hope the men on the show and, more importantly, America can too.

* As cringe-inducing as Tony is, he did come up with one of the best new terms for masturbation that we’ve heard in a long time: “There’s one water fountain now and we’re all standing in line,” said Tony, after they sent his first choice, Britt, home. “I’m feeling like going home and digging my own well.” Digging my own well. We’re gonna use that!

Read our take on the first part of the season premiere of “The Bachelorette.”

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In Defense of Juan Pablo
Comment of the Week: A Cautionary Tale About Cuckolding
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photo via Flickr

Reader Simon offered this cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts“:

Been there, done that; don’t try. I did this 8-9 years back with my wife, and I insisted, although she was more than reluctant. She was totally opposed in the beginning, but gave up after almost a year of having the same discussion over and over in bed and outside of bed. When she finally said “ok,” more or less to please me, she refused to go alone, so we met a few times at a motel with someone I found online, married, clean and nice otherwise.

The relationship went on for a few months, and eventually he gained our trust, so she started going alone from time to time if I couldn’t join her. At first, she was telling me before, every time she was supposed to go, then I noticed she started to “forget” mentioning when he was calling her at work to meet.

To make it short, one day he suggested they would save money if they started meeting at one of his friend’s house. She was stupid enough to trust him, and went there, where he and two of his friends practically raped her. She was too ashamed to tell me on the spot, because she felt guilty for seeing him lately without my knowledge.

She admitted years later to have been involved with him emotionally. Being raped made her break up with him, but still she didn’t tell me the whole truth until four years later, when I wanted to try again the same thing. Obviously this time she said “no” and she meant it.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The BacheloretteS” (Kaitlyn & Britt’s Season Premiere)
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Life began again last night with the premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelorette”— or should we say, “The BacheloretteS”? After all, this season’s big twist was pitting last season’s two favorites — Kaitlyn Potty-Mouth Bristowe and Britt Insincerity’s-My-Middle-Name Nillson — against each other in a Highlander-esque cocktail party where they had to outcharm 25 fairly unimpressive guys in order to score the most roses by night’s end.

We haven’t read any spoilers, so simply going off of last night’s episode intel, here are our theories (read: hopes):

The producers know Bachelor Nation (i.e. middle aged married moms who like to make themselves feel better about their life choices by watching young people make such bad ones*) will not stand for Britt winning, not with her kitten voice, her requisitely long-flowing princess locks, and her beautiful brown eyes, so colored because of the amount of shit she’s full of. And so they’ve stacked the party guests in down-to-earth Kaitlyn’s favor, so that we may all rejoice again once more in a melodramatic tear-fest performed by Britt when she’s quickly and unceremoniously ejected.

Either that, OR . . .

Mr. Drunky McDrunk Ryan was just a plant who was enlisted to destroy the tie-breaking rose — while wearing a wet Speedo — in an over-the-top display of drunken disdain and disrespect for the two women and this “process”, serving two purposes: 1) Produce the requisite blackout scene every viewer of Bachelor/ette cocktail parties has come to know, love and expect. And 2) Force a tie between the two women which will magically spur the producers to decide to let the women parallel-play dating roullette for at least a little while longer (i.e. until the majority of men realize that Kaitlyn is the only viable choice).

OR…

The best-looking and smartest-seeming men could not prevail over the more meatheaded Neanderthals who were hypnotized by Britt’s shiny sparkly-ness and the feelings it stirred under their loincloths, resulting in Kaitlyn’s premature departure tonight. But because of the collective yearnings of Bachelor Nation, the producers will be compelled — indeed, they’ve planned it all along! — to bring Kaitlyn back in dramatic twist that gives the remaining contestants the chance to mutiny, jump Britt’s ship and take their rightful place alongside Kaitlyn.

These are not guaranteed predictions — we can’t see the future (because we refuse to read spoilers). But we can guarantee that if you learn the love lessons imparted on last night’s episode, you’ll fare far better than pretty much all the people who’ve ever been on an episode of “The Bachelor/ette”:

  1. In the immortal words of host Chris Harrison, delivered with total earnestness and not even a whiff of irony, “Change is hard.” For those of you who need help unpacking that heavy shit: Put your big girl pants on, expect curveballs, and instead of whining about them, embrace them with as much grace as possible (which in Kaitlyn’s case, may not have been much, but at least she tried…really, rilly hard).
  2. Probably a good idea not to call someone you’re hoping to date, have sex with and/or marry a “bitch” or a “ho”, even behind their back. Respecting other people is one of the first steps toward respecting yourself…Ryan.
  3. Gimmicks — a “carpool” or a “cupcake car” — are not necessary to make a good first impression. In fact, more often than not, they’ll backfire and make a bad first impression. All you need is a sense of humor, good hygiene, and the wisdom not to get totally blotto on your date.
  4. Speaking as veteran sex coaches, please don’t take the name of what we do in vain. Calling yourself an “amateur sex coach” as simply a jokey come-on line is an affront, not only to the serious work we do (e.g. watching “The Bachelorette” with a box o’ wine and then writing snarky commentary on it), but it’s an affront to your date as well: Guaranteed she does not want to talk butt plugs right now. We should know: we’re experts.
  5. Stop touching your hair on your date! Really, please, just leave it alone. It looks fine.
*Or maybe that’s just us.

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photo via The Bachelorettes’ Twitter feed

Why Men Cat-Call, According to Men
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photo via picography

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week, they answer the following: Why do men cat-call?

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): Oh boy, where did I just see a link to a TV clip of a woman walking up to men who cat-called her and asked them why?  (You can answer in comments if you’ve got the link.)  Anyway, the men all acted completely embarrassed when put on the spot about it. Which, I think, actually says a lot about why men do it: not because they’re actually interested in the women they cat-call.  Instead (based, I’m embarrassed to say, on my own behavior as a construction worker in my teens and twenties) it’s about a) letting other men you’re with know you’re straight — dumb, I know but there you go — and maybe calling on other men to confirm they’re straight too, b) bonding with other men through “bravery” — even dumber, I know, but again there you go, and c) attempting to compliment women you find attractive but (and this goes back to item B) you’re pretty sure wouldn’t actually be interested in you.

Feminist analysis would probably add other things like keeping women in their places, telling women they’re valued only for their sexiness, etc.  But I think those are only side effects of what’s really mostly male-to-male communication.  Which is why I think men are embarrassed and even shocked when a woman they’ve cat-called tries to start a conversation. Final bit of evidence: at least in my experience, most men don’t (or at least didn’t) cat-call women they think they might actually have a chance of asking out later.

Gay Married Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Men cat-call because some atavistic impulse leads us to believe that it might get us sex.  Any time a man cat-calls at you, a part of him he isn’t aware of in any meaningful way is really hoping you’ll immediately stop whatever you’re doing, come over, knock him down, and have your way with him.  It’s like a mating ritual. Please understand that I’m not saying any man thinks this is actually going to happen (though there’s always Dimitri the Lover, so who knows).  This is all happening below the level of consciousness. (more…)