All posts by Em & Lo

15 Ways to Make the Most of Your Small Penis in Bed

The topic of penis size is an evergreen one here at EMandLO.com. A while back, we wrote a post titled “My New Boyfriend Has a Small Penis…At Least, It’s Small to Me” — and to this day, it remains one of the most popular articles on our site. Penis size leads to high amounts of distress and an equally high amount of Googling. If you are concerned about your penis size then there are some tips on How To Increase Penis Size if you feel you need them.

But we realized recently that for all we’ve said about penis size on this site (girth matters more than length; it’s the motion of the ocean more than the size of the boat; use penis pumps with caution; do not get surgery on your penis; etc), we’ve never actually given advice on what to do with a smaller than average penis.

So here today, finally, are our top fifteen tips on how to make the most of your modest penis in the bedroom. (While the focus here is on heterosexual sex, many of these tips can be also applied to gay sex, as well.) After you’ve made it through this list, don’t forget to also check out our 10 Best Intercourse Positions for Small Penises.

1. Start with at Least 15 Minutes of Foreplay

The more turned on your partner is before intercourse begins, the more they’re going to want your penis — any penis, really! Also the more turned on they are, the more likely (and the sooner) they are to climax from penetration, meaning there’s less work for your number one guy to do. Think: kissing, teasing, sensual massage, hands and tongue everywhere.

2. Play Around with Power Roles

Part of the appeal of a big penis is the idea of being overwhelmed — of being taken. But there’s more to this sort of fantasy than penis size. In fact, we’d venture that penis size is the least important aspect of this fantasy. If your partner is into this sort of thing, then play around with dominance in the bedroom and take charge: playful spanking, sensual biting, hard kissing, a little light bondage (e.g. wrist restraints). All of this can happen both as foreplay, and during the poking itself.

You might even get to have fun with a little hard and fast pounding action during power-play intercourse — but make sure to ask your partner if they’re into this first. In general, we counsel against a jackhammer approach to sex — most women don’t enjoy having their cervix rammed, and this kind of intercourse can be irritating or even painful, even with an average-sized penis. But guys on the smaller side have a little more leeway when it comes to this sort of motion — they’re much less likely to chafe their partner. And while few women will climax via jackhammering (no matter the size of the penis), some women do find the idea of slightly rougher intercourse sexy. Just remember that a little of this action goes a long way (pun intended).

3. Get Really Good at Oral Sex

We mean really good. Like, your partner’s eyes are rolling back in their head and they forget their own name. And remember that oral sex is often a user-specific skill (especially when it comes to cunnilingus). Don’t assume that what worked on your last partner will work on your current one — practice makes perfect. Try different things, ask questions, and pay attention to your partner’s body language and moans. Branch out while you’re down there: consider playing with your partner’s nipples during oral (if your arms are long enough), or supplement the downtown action with a small toy, or slip a well-lubed pinkie in your partner’s back door. And if your partner writhes around and begs you for sex, keep going just a few minutes longer. Be sure to check out our Top 10 Ways to Make Oral Sex More Fun for Both Partners.

4. Going 69 Means Everyone’s a Winner

We have mixed feelings about the sixty-nine position, but in the case of a smaller than average penis, we think it’s a great idea — either as foreplay or as the main event. Because here’s the thing: going down on a penis like yours can make your partner feel like a sexual god/dess. They can deep-throat you! They can try all sorts of complicated techniques on you. They can really enjoy themselves without stressing out about whether they’re taking enough of you in or worrying that they’re going to gag. And what could be better in bed than your partner enjoying the giving end of a 69 as much as the receiving end? This is the flip side to the power play we mentioned in #2, above: when your partner goes down on you, they feel like they’re in charge, and that’s sexy as anything.

5. Make Friends with the Clitoris

It’s been said before, but it’s worth reciting to yourself again every time you curse your small penis: most women don’t climax from intercourse alone, no matter how big the penis in question. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if men with large penises were less likely than men with small penises to bring their partners to orgasm, simply because they get lazy and assume that a big swinging dick means they don’t have to really do anything in the sack. (If there are any research scientists reading this: For the love of god, will you please conduct a study and prove our theory to be true? Think of the joy you could bring men with small penises across this great nation!) Anyway, you should be paying attention to the clitoris during foreplay, of course, but also during intercourse itself — with your hand, or by directing your partner’s hand to the clitoris, or by enlisting the help of a vibrating toy. Speaking of…

6. Bring Sex Toys Into the Bedroom

Don’t think of sex toys as competition, think of them as your helpmates. There’s no need to be intimidated by them — after all, just scan this post: how many items on this list can a sex toy accomplish? Zero, that’s how many! (Okay, except for maybe #5 — clitorises and vibrators go way back. But vibrators can’t spoon, remember.) And why would you want to discount bedside accessories that could make sex so much more interesting and orgasmic for both of you? This is your chance to be the awesome boyfriend who embraces your partner’s sex toys rather than complaining that “my penis doesn’t do that.” News flash: no one’s penis vibrates at 6,000 r.p.m. for a solid twenty minutes without taking a break (that’s what the Hitachi Magic Wand is for). And in the many decades that vibrators have been around, women still seem remarkably attached to penis owners. So we don’t think you’re going to get replaced anytime soon. But if you can’t shake that fear, then invest in toys that don’t look anything like your penis, like external vibrators and specially curved G-spotters.

When you’re ready to shop: we really like LELO’s line of pleasure objects specifically for couples. For example, with the Lyla 2, you get a wireless remote control, which means you can have fun driving the vibrator with just the touch of a button (while using your other hand to simultaneously touch your partner’s buttons, wink wink nudge nudge!).

Once you start to become comfortable with all the wonderful bedside accessories out there, you may even decide that you’re confident enough to invest in a dildo that’s larger than your penis, to treat your partner to the occasional “filled-up” experience. But don’t be surprised if your partner doesn’t consider this such a “treat.” There’s a reason, after all, that all the best-selling dildos are in the three to five inches range, while the really huge silicone schlongs are relegated to the novelty/serious kink/bachelor and bachelorette party aisle: that’s what women like. That’s what feels good to them. In fact, for many women, dating a man with a big penis is a novelty that wears out very quickly. (Trust us: you should see how many letters we get from women complaining that sex is uncomfortable or painful or simply lacking pleasure, or that that certain positions are impossible due to their boyfriend’s above average size.)

Finally, remember that if our ancestors had shunned tools, we’d still be living in caves and having sub-par sex (seriously, how much clitoral stimulation do you think the average cavewoman received?!). Speaking of vibrating devices…

7. Wear a Cock Ring

And we’re not talking about the black leather kind of cock ring that calls to mind San Francisco’s Castro district (too hard to clean, for one!), or the solid metal rings (too dangerous! hello, emergency room). Cock rings — or love rings, as we prefer to call them, and you may too — have entered the modern era, and they are now made of comfortable/safe/hygienic silicone. Better than that, though, some of them vibrate! Like LELO’s Tor 2, for example. Or, if $199 is too steep for you, GoodVibes.com sells a wide range of vibrating silicone cock rings for as little as $23, like this one and this one. You might have to play around with a few different designs until you find the one that’s the most comfortable fit for you and your partner.

And here’s why you should try one: Some guys find that their erections are a little more impressive when they wear a love ring. More importantly, though: Remember what we said in #5 about making friends with the clitoris? Well, a vibrating cock ring provides vibrating clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Cue the choir of singing angels! No penis in the history of penises, no matter what the size, has ever been able to do this on its own.

8. Talk Dirty

Get creative with your dirty talk. Experiment with monologues that would make a porn star blush. Ask your partner what they want. Offer very specific, very dirty suggestions. Ask your partner if they like what you’re doing. Again, be specific and dirty. Narrate the action, or make your partner do it. Share fantasies with each other. Or if porny dirty talk isn’t your thing, then try just sensual conversation during love-making instead: simply look into your partner’s eyes and tell them how much they turn you on or how sexy/gorgeous/beautiful they are. Feel free to compliment specific body parts! The vocabulary is up to you and your partner, considering what’s a turn on to both of you. What’s important is that you’re turning on your partner’s brain, which is an organ that is (a) key to explosive orgasms, especially in women, and (b) completely inaccessible by even the biggest, most swinging-est dick. Check out our 5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight, and, for the more shy, How to Talk Dirty Without Being Dirty. Oh, and when you’re apart from each other, try warming up to the dirty talk with a little sexting — here’s how.

9. All Hands on Deck

A reader on this site once said, in an attempt to cheer up smaller-than-average men everywhere: “Just be glad you’ve still got two hands!” And it’s true: statistically speaking, your hands are just as likely, if not more likely, to bring your partner to climax. And you’ve got two of them!

Hand work gets a bad rap. This is probably because back when you were first experimenting with sex, you poked around with clumsy fingers, never thinking to use lube (on both of you), take your time, and educate each other on what you really liked. But hands and fingers are so much better than mouths, penises and vaginas at dexterously manipulating genitals — which is why for many women, handjobs are the only way they can climax. So stop fighting it, and start enjoying it! As foreplay, during intercourse, or as the main event. If you don’t know where to stay, ask your partner to show you how they touch themselves. You’ll be surprised how sexy this is. If your partner is feeling shy, offer to touch yourself at the same time… it’s one of the most intimate acts you will ever experience, and probably most couples’ best shot at simultaneous orgasms.

Oh, and teen hand jobs weren’t all bad: you can re-create a bit of that puppy lust by putting your hands down each other’s pants next time you’re at the movies (though good manners would dictate that you make sure you’re at a drive-in).

10. Fake Sexual Confidence

Or rather, fake it ’til you make it. We promise you that a lack of sexual confidence is a much bigger turnoff in bed than a small penis. And we know, we know: it’s your small penis that’s to blame for your lack of confidence in the sack. But why should your penis get to call the shots? Read and re-read this list until you feel sure that you have the potential to be an awesome lover. Then hop into bed and act like that awesome lover. Once you start acting with confidence, your partner will be more turned on, the sex will get better, and pretty soon you won’t have to fake anything at all. Note: this is the only kind of faking we condone in the bedroom!

11. Become a G-Man

Once you’ve made friends with the clitoris, consider adding the G-spot to your circle of trust, too. Hands, G-spotting dildos, and, believe it or not, smaller than average penises all have a better shot at targeting the G-spot than the average penis. (In fact, we’ve heard of women who can only enjoy G-spot stimulation and/or female ejaculation during sex with a small penis.) For tips on manually stimulating a partner’s G-spot, check out our guide here. And remember that the G-spot is only a couple of inches inside the vagina, on the top wall. In other words, when it comes to intercourse: a small penis + a rear entry position (e.g. doggy style) = pretty good G-spot odds. (Just bear in mind that not all women enjoy G-spot action.)

12. Help Your Erection Be All That It Can Be

NO WE DON’T MEAN YOU SHOULD GET SURGERY ON YOUR PENIS. Sorry for yelling, but we wanted to make sure you could hear us through all that spam! It’s one big ball of don’t, and here’s our post explaining why. The short version: it’s expensive and dangerous and it usually just increases the flaccid length and width, which is kind of beside the point, right? While we’re on the subject, you should also stay away from jelquing ( it doesn’t work and it could do some serious damage to your penis). However, some guys report that a penis-pumped erection is a little more impressive than a regular one – you can read more about penis pumps in BestPenisPumps.org and similar online resources.

But there are other ways to get fully inflated. We already mentioned cock rings, in #7 above. You may also find that having your partner stimulate your P-spot helps you stand more firmly to attention. Your partner can stimulate the P-spot indirectly, by pressing on the perineum, or directly, with a finger or toy in the rectum during foreplay or intercourse — check out our P-spot guide here for more details.

There are things you can do on your own time, too: In general, good cardiovascular health will improve a guy’s erection, because they’re both about good blood flow. As a bonus, being in shape will make your penis look bigger… and less fat in that general area will mean you can “reach in” more.

Also, kegel exercises can improve the strength and even girth of your erection! Seriously, they’re not just for the ladies. Check out our how-to guide for kegels for dudes. (Of course, your partner can do kegels, too, and this will certainly help matters — check out our how-to guide for kegels for ladies here — but make sure you suggest this in a loving way, e.g. by telling her that you read kegels can make her orgasms more intense. This is true, by the way! Just remember that no matter how shitty you feel about your small penis, blaming a stretched out vagina is even shittier — and this is also a guarantee of terrible sex… or no sex at all.)

Grooming can help, too — at least in terms of aesthetics: if you don’t already, consider trimming the downstairs beard, or even getting rid of it entirely (though the latter is an acquired taste). You will look a little bigger with a trimmed hedge.

13. Be a Backdoor Friend

You know when size does matter? When it comes to anal play. And in the case of the back door, guess what? Smaller is better!

Stimulating your partner’s backdoor during vaginal intercourse (assuming she’s down with this) can help make her feel more filled up, because you’re stimulating the other side of her vaginal wall. This can lead to bigger and stronger orgasms for her. Start on the outside, just stimulating the surface of her anus with a lubed finger tip. If she’s up for more, take a very well-lubed finger and dip just the tip in. Eventually you may be able to build up to a few inches of finger, or even a diminutive butt plug. Just make sure that any toy going in the back door has a flared base! Get our 5 Rules of Engagement for Backdoor Toys here. And you can also read up on a woman’s PS-spot.

And maybe, just maybe, if all this experimenting goes well, there just might be some anal sex in your future. We’re making no promises, of course. Some women will just never enjoy this act. But your odds are way higher than those of a guy with a giant schlong. That guy is never getting in the backdoor. But you? Well, we’ll cross our fingers for you.

14. There’s More to Sex Than Vaginal Friction

In fact, you could even try thinking of penis-in-vagina intercourse as “vaginal friction” — the unsexy phrase might help knock this unnecessarily elevated act off its pedestal. (Speaking of friction, however, you might want to skip the lubed condoms, and avoid adding extra lube during intercourse — a little friction can be your friend.) Penis-in-vagina intercourse does not equal sex, got that? There would be a lot more female orgasms in this world if more people remembered this.

Good sex is about listening to your partner and paying attention to their body “until you can play it like a harp,” as one wise Reddit commenter said. Another woman in the same forum posted this: “As a female, the best sex I have ever had was with the one that made me feel sexy, loved, accepted, not which one made me orgasm the fastest or who was the biggest.”

“Sex” includes mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, 69, handjobs, sex toys… we could go on. It doesn’t have to include intercourse of any kind, nor does it have to end with simultaneous explosive orgasms.

15. Chemistry Matters More Than Anything

Sure, there are women out there who will be disappointed in a small penis. We won’t lie about that. But for most women, you know what trumps penis size every time? Sexual chemistry. And as we’ve detailed here today, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to give your partner mind-blowing orgasms, no matter the size of your penis. Give a woman these kinds of orgasms with someone she feels massive sexual chemistry with, and she’ll never want to leave.

Your Next Step: Check out our 10 Best Intercourse Positions for Small Penises

Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (San Antonio)

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photo via ABC

Don’t suffer through an outdoor date if the weather is bad. We don’t care if you’ve rented out CitiField for the evening: if it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside, jog once around the bases and then get yourselves inside to a deluxe box and stay there! Adapt to the situation — it’s what helped us modern Homo Sapiens beat out the Neanderthals.
The local Texans’ wisdom on long-term love is spot on, except for the part about someone needing to lead: there is such thing as an egalitarian relationship, even in Texas (okay, maybe just Austin):

Relationships are a lot like dancing…If you’re good dancers, that means that you have to have a real communication…~~Somebody’s gotta lead~~…You’ve got to trust each other…You have to know each other’s moves…You have to put up with each others’ mistakes…You have to be in sync. You have to care about each other, and it really shows when you do.
If you get a bad haircut, get it fixed before you’re next date. We don’t care if you have to fly a stylist in from the nearest cosmopolitan city, just do it!
If you want to be a gentleman — indeed, if you say you are a gentleman — then don’t make a breakup harsher than it needs to be. Unless you were the recipient of some kind of abuse (and “not being that into you” is not abuse) — then simply say, “I don’t think this is working out. I wish you all the best.” Then leave with your head held high and your ex’s self worth still intact.
On that note: Avoid dating narcissists. They will talk endlessly about their accomplishments, their specialness, their worth. And when they are not given the attention they think they deserve, they will turn on you. Problems in a relationship are never partly their fault, they are always the complete fault of their “sorely lacking” partner. They will put you down to raise themselves up and bury their insecurities. Become familiar with these warning signs so you can spot them in a partner — or, even more importantly, in yourself.

New App: Online Dating Protection

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photo via Tinder

It’s like your online-dating-site bodyguard. ShieldMe-DS — the DS stands for Date Shield — is a new app launched this past Friday (available on Android and IOS) aimed at making all your sketchy hookups via Tinder et al less sketchy. First, let them reel you in by scaring the crap out of you:

The world just isn’t safe anymore. Think about it: anyone who has your mobile number can call you or text you any time they want, as often as they want to. It is not just angry ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends or friends who don’t understand that you may not want to be contacted at odd hours or at work, but hackers and identity thieves. Even the National Security Agency (NSA) can track your movements and listen to your conversations, with only your phone number.

Enter Date Shield (the makers of ShieldMe’s for physicians and corporate executives). They’re here to protect you by basically keeping your real phone number a secret (it’s basically the same service, different [kinda lame] logo):

With DS, you will never need to give your mobile number out to anyone again. Empowering the women of today to decide who calls her, when they call her, and if she no longer want to receive calls, DS gives its users the ability to deny access to anyone by simply deleting him or her. Even if a deleted contact tries calling DS user back, DS platform will ensure the call will not get through. DS not only shields users Mobile number it also shields their location using state of the art technology by preventing reverse Number look ups. DS gives the control back to you.

We like the idea of this, in theory: It’s protection, mostly for women, from creepy stalkers who can’t take no for an answer after a connection has been made. But we have a sneaking suspicion that it’ll be used more by jerks, mostly men, who want an easy way to just disappear after first-, second- or third-date sex is achieved. It also seems like a great app for people who want to pretend to be someone else, without a paper trail.

Targeted to users of “Tinder or POF or Grinder or even Meet.com or especially any of the adult dating websites,” ShieldMe-DS may have just made online hookups either much more safe or much more sketchy. Both?

Here are more details, if you’re interested:

Prevent any reverse number look-ups (no one can find out where you live or work)
Every connection Number is unique. Only between you and your Friend no one else can use that number.
Prevent Hacking or Identity theft or any snooping.
Enjoy your personal time without any disturbances.
Complete control on who can call you when they call you and when they cant call you.
Benefits
Unlimited friends can be added to the app- Fair usage policy applies.
Each friend will be assigned a unique one on one paired number.
Unlimited talk time, No limits on talk time talk all you want DS doesn’t charge its users for any air time, in coming or out going or numbers.
Works everywhere, your home and office even when you are on the road, if you got coverage DS has you covered.
Works seamlessly on 2G – 3G – 4G LTE networks and its NOT VOIP so crystal clear

I Married a Slob and She Won’t Do Anything Around the House

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photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

When my wife and I started dating, I noticed she was a bit of a slob. That’s not the way I was raised. My mom was the first one up and gone to work. After 8-10 hours as a nurse, she would leave work. Stop at the grocery store, buy something to cook for 5 of us. While dinner was going on she was doing laundry, washing, drying, and folding clothes. My dad would get home about 5:00 pm, cut grass, and do other yard work. Homework would be checked, then eat. I guess I grew up too idealistic, I thought that would be how it would be when I married. Man, was I in for a surprise.

She was raised a little differently. There was someone on the payroll to do these things. I addressed this when she lived in an apartment which was not just a mess, it was awful. So awful I cleaned it myself several times. She explained that when we got married and got something of our own she would change. At 21 years old, boy was I played.

After the wedding we had to rent an apartment, nothing changed, raised hell. Again she explained, it wasn’t ours. This was 8 months into the marriage, and I realized I had made a mistake, but didn’t give up. Kept my part up. Grass cutting, weed eating, helping a lot inside the house, thinking I have —– up.

Finally in late 1999 we bought a 10 year old house. I went to work, planted seeds, and sodded some grass. Painted 3 bedrooms and a playroom in the basement, and laid tile in a 24’x24′ room by myself. It was important to make sure that our electrics, heating, and plumbing were right too, so I had companies like www.summersphc.com/greenfield/services/plumbing/tankless-water-heater/ on speed dial just in case something went wrong, so it wouldn’t be too hard for her to help out. Guess what, no change, at all. I did as much or more of the laundry as she did. Loaded dishwasher, mopped, and vacuumed as much as she did for about 9 years. Started feeling like a fool. Many arguments and hard feeling. After all that time of begging, crying, I made the realization she had lied to me the whole time. I worked 10-12 hours a day and got plenty done after I got home.

I started going to a dark spot. It got to the point I could not look at her. I would ask her to mop the floor, and she always had a reason. She knew how I felt about these things. I just decided this was as good as it was going to get. I did not want to leave. We have an 11 yo and a 15 yo.

It got so awful I left, then I hear she has had an affair. I went to a place I had never been before, I was angry, hurt, and betrayed. Time has passed, the boys and I are doing great. She is miserable, she won’t let me get my stuff. I trusted this girl for 30 years so I let her handle the divorce.

What could I have done differently?

— Mr. Clean

Any advice for Mr. Clean on what he could have done differently, or what he can do now? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

Your Weekly Horoscopes: June 15th, 2015

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The time to take action is now, but don’t do it with force — use your head. Your ability to be convincing will lead your lover in the direction you want. Sex Tip of the Week: Lots and lots of oral sex.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Expect a blast from the past this week. It will get you in touch with some lost emotions. You’ll feel like a kid again! Sex Tip of the Week: Engage in a little backdoor pinkie poke and it’ll feel like the very first time all over again.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It’s never too late to approach someone who’s been on your mind. Don’t play games this time and you’ll get much further. Sex Tip of the Week: Go for that first kiss — just plant one on them.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in the mood to make lurve. You’ll get the response you’re looking for if you prepare your partner for your intentions. Sex Tip of the Week: Indulge in sensual sex — candles, soft music, drawn baths, etc.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t exaggerate or you’ll find yourself in a mess for which you can’t be redeemed. Your lover will be quick to pick up on your dishonesty. Sex Tip of the Week: Don’t fake it. (But while we’re at it, don’t ever fake it).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve made all the right moves and now it’s time to reap the rewards. Tell your partner what your intentions are and you’ll be surprised at the response you get. Sex Tip of the Week: Talk dirty.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll feel anxious if you can’t persuade your lover to take part in fulfilling your fantasies. Don’t push your luck or you’ll be minus a partner. Sex Tip of the Week: Stick with the missionary position.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to love this week. Your actions will be the deciding factor when it comes to getting your lover to do as you please. Sex Tip of the Week: Tie your partner up (with their permission, of course).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, you will do well to take a deep breath, take a step back, and look at the whole picture. Decisions made in the moment or based on single events will backfire. Sex Tip of the Week: Don’t make any decisions when you’re horny.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Let your relationship grow this week. Get to know your partner better. A lot has changed, and you have to catch up mentally before you can get physical. Sex Tip of the Week: Abstain for seven days.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Slow down a little. You’re likely to upset someone you like if you keep trying to get them to do everything your way. Back off and give them a chance. Sex Tip of the Week: Let your partner tie you up.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Things are beginning to heat up for you in the romance department. Don’t appear too eager if you really want things to go your way. Sex Tip of the Week: Be a tease.

Rethinking Male and Female Sexual Anatomy

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photo via Pixabay

So often we focus on the differences between men and women. But we’d do well to consider how alike we are, too — especially when it comes to sexual anatomy. Rather than thinking of a woman’s parts as inferior, miniature versions of his, embrace the fact that they are equitable, albeit more internal, sexual structures that enjoy stimulation just as much as his. There are important parallels between his and her sexual machinery that will help you both understand how best to use what you’ve got on your own and with your partner. For instance, did you know that he has a clitoris too?! Going beyond the inadequate anatomy lessons we got in high school sex ed will help us all find more common ground in the bedroom.

10 Awesome Things About Miley Cyrus, Crusader for Social and Sexual Justice

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photo via Miley's Instagram page

In the most recent issue of Paper magazine, Miley Cyrus proves she’s more than a punch line to a cheesy Robin Thicke joke. In fact, she’s a social activist, a vegan, and a woman who doesn’t want to be judged for who, or how, she loves. And she doesn’t want anyone else to be judged for this either. Here are ten awesome things we took away from the article:

1. Miley Cyrus is one hundred percent comfortable with her sexuality — and she doesn’t feel a need to label it. “I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn’t involve an animal and everyone is of age,” she says. “Everything that’s legal, I’m down with. Yo, I’m down with any adult — anyone over the age of 18 who is down to love me.”

2. She is also one hundred percent comfortable with gender fluidity — and again, she doesn’t feel a need to label it. “I don’t relate to being boy or girl,” she says. “And I don’t have to have my partner relate to boy or girl.”

3. After her darling dog was attacked by a coyote, she became a vegan and is now passionate about animal rights.

4. Miley cares deeply. No, seriously, she does! Especially about kids who get bullied and persecuted for their sexuality. After Leelah Alcorn committed suicide when she was forced to undergo “conversion therapy” for being transgender, Cyrus started a non-profit called the Happy Hippie Foundation, which raises funds and awareness for homeless and LGBT teens. She says: “We can’t keep noticing these kids too late.”

5. She is not at all down with the super judgy, super moralistic, super hypocritical, super invasive tactics of the Religious Right. And this despite being raised on a farm in Tennessee, despite being brought up as a Christian, and despite having a mullet-wearing country singer for a father. “That’s fucking insane,” she says about fundamentalists who take the Bible literally. “We’ve outgrown that fairy tale, like we’ve outgrown fucking Santa and the tooth fairy.” Also, she gets that religion isn’t just a personal matter: “[They shouldn’t] get to make our laws.”

6. She loves her parents deeply, despite all their faults — and she’s not blind to their faults, either. She admits they are “conservative-ass motherfuckers” (not a compliment in Miley World) but still calls her dad a “cool hippie psycho freak” (definitely a compliment) and says her mom is “a complete optimist, the fucking cheerleader of the universe” (who wouldn’t want to be thought of in that way by their kid?!).

7. She is a shining example for how to communicate with parents who see things differently (ditto, her mom on communicating with kids who don’t see things the same way). “I remember telling [my mom] I admire women in a different way. And she asked me what that meant. And I said, I love them. I love them like I love boys. And it was so hard for her to understand. She didn’t want me to be judged and she didn’t want me to go to hell. But she believes in me more than she believes in any god. I just asked for her to accept me. And she has.”

8. Dolly Parton is her godmother. Just think about how awesome that is for a second. Cyrus says: “She taught me how to treat people well.”

9. She cares about poor people, too. She says: “I can’t drive by in my fucking Porsche and not fucking do something. I see it all day: people in their Bentleys and their Rolls and their Ubers, driving past these vets who have fought for our country, or these young women who have been raped.” Sure, she’s still driving that fucking Porsche, but at least she’s driving it to the Happy Hippie Foundation.

10. She’s still the Miley you love (or the one you hate, or the one you love to hate). “I was doing a show two nights ago, and I was wearing butterfly nipple pasties and butterfly wings,” she says. “I’m standing there with my tits out, dressed like a butterfly. How the fuck is that fair? How am I so lucky?” Because even socially aware, LGBT superhero vegans like to wear nipple pasties sometimes.

The Pros & Cons of a Wife Bonus

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It’s the topic that just keeps on giving! First, we wrote about the new book, “The Primates of Park Avenue” (actually, we imagined several responses to the book about rich men giving their wives bonuses for “good performances” in poem form). Then we had to feature The Best of #WifeBonus on Twitter — because it was pretty hilarious. After that, we featured Johnny’s defense of the wife bonus: basically that these are consenting adults whose riches most of us are just jealous of. That sparked a thoughtful exchange between Johnny and new visitor, Matt — which we’ve saved from new-site-technical-snafu-hell and preserved here for your enjoyment:

Matt:

Fair point, Johnny–there’s always the question of envy. I think what people are reacting to, though, is the fact that the wife works in all of these ways to support her husband. It seems to me they’re both contributing meaningfully to those earnings, so why is he the only one in control of them?

I earn most of the money in our household, and my wife does more of the dealing with kids’ pick-ups, etc. But all of our earnings go into a joint account, which she doesn’t have to ask me to access. If either of us were going to make a big expenditure, we’d run it by the other… but as far as I’m concerned, she has every right to spend what she wants when she wants. We don’t have a spare $50k lying around, but if we did, I’d feel exactly the same way. Why should I get to decide whether she “deserves” it or not? It’s our money, not mine.

Johnny:

That’s how I roll too, Matt, but I don’t think the mega-rich get that way by being generous and nice when it comes to money. Especially not with their wives! That’s the one person who stands to take the most from them.

Also, I’m glad you trust your partner that much – I trust mine too – but so did most now-divorced people when they got married. Any divorced man – which at this point is half of all men who got married – will tell you to protect your assets. They wince when you say, “… MY wife is different. MY wife is honest and I trust her.” They did too, once.

It’s easy to discount the advice of unhappy cynics when everything is going great for you, but their numbers are too vast at this point to ignore them. At least 50% of guys, and the odds are worsening, will wind up paying out tons of money to a once-loved woman who is now an enemy.

Not criticizing your choices, because like I said, I’ve more or less made the same ones. But I’ve always been the type to play with fire. I consider myself an informed and calculating risk-taker. I get very nervous when I watch one of my friends proceed down the same path from a place of naivete.

I don’t blame any man who keeps his finances separate from his feelings.

Matt:

Eh, who wants to walk around not-trusting–especially their partner? Life’s short, we’re all leaving this planet without any money (or anything else), so honestly, I’d rather trust completely and be wrong than sit there sweating and holding the purse strings.

Sure, it’s possible that anyone could get financially hosed. They might get cheated on. All the worst things you can imagine may happen. That’s why we have this whole systematic, patriarchal control and domination over women that’s been going on for millennia. Our fragile male egos can’t take the thought that they might be unfaithful and/or screw us over somehow. So look what happens: men try to control women, over and over, in every part of the world. They keep them from going to school, driving, voting, showing their bodies in public, owning property, earning the same as men–you name it.

I honestly think wife bonuses fit squarely into that same paradigm, which is why I have a problem with them. I also have a problem with someone keeping their wives from accessing joint funds–especially if she’s doing more of the household work, child-rearing, etc. and doesn’t have the same opportunity to earn in the workplace.

Yep, my wife may some day leave me–of course it’s a possibility. I choose not to go around worrying about it, though, as it’s 100% out of my control. All I can do is love and support her, and yes… trust her with everything we have. Between living like that–with love and faith (the non-religious kind, in my case) or attempts at self-preservation at the expense of her equality and sense of personal freedom, it’s a no-brainer.

Johnny:

Here’s the crux of the disagreement: I do not agree that we have systematic, patriarchal control over women. I’d say we HAD that, but that paradigm has been totally up-ended. Not talking about the whole world here, just where I live.

So what I see isn’t financial oppression, but two free adults, who could each do whatever they wanted, voluntarily entering a mutually pleasing agreement that either of them could walk away from – profitably, in the woman’s case – at any time.

I agree that the male ego can’t handle the thought of female infidelity, but I put financial screwings in a totally different category. That’s not ego. That’s material. Money is a limited resource that most people work hard for. How a person handles what they earn isn’t something I feel it’s my place to judge.

Also, what makes you so sure she’s shut out of the money on a regular basis? “Bonus” to me implies that it’s extra money on top of the usual money. I doubt that deprivation for the rest of the year is a problem that these women face.

Matt:

Sure, money is a limited resource that people work hard for. And when those people have someone picking up their kids, folding their laundry, making sure the house is run properly, etc., there’s a shared effort behind those earnings. One person “handling what [he] earns” by making sure his partner has less access to it is controlling. Money means freedom and power, and making sure you have more access while another has less is a means of control.

The mere use of the word “bonus” (which is always awarded by a boss to a subordinate, by the way) tells us all we need to know about the financial power dynamic at play here. We can imagine that the women in this situation share an equal amount of access and control over their own financial situations, but I’d wager that’s far more often not the case. A Wall St. guy at a friends’ barbecue mentioned to me two weeks ago something about his soon to be ex-wife, telling me he was going to ensure she walks with nothing if it’s the last thing he does. Do we really think, in that world, that he’s an exception? I don’t think so. In any case, having the option to battle your husband in court is not the same thing as having equality during the marriage.

We can certainly agree that people feel they have a right to keep what they’ve earned. I just happen to find that sort of self-preservation selfish and controlling when there’s a supporting partner. As you said, though, most people don’t get mega-rich by being generous and nice when it comes to money. On that point, I couldn’t agree more.

20 Things That Will Happen at Your 20th College Reunion

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It’s college graduation season, which means that it’s reunion season, too — that time when college alumni go back to their alma mater and drink heavily to forget how old they really are. Here are twenty things that will (probably) happen when you go back to your twentieth college reunion:

1. You’ll get drunker than you have in years. But you won’t be able to sleep in. Instead you’ll wake up bright and early because you have to pee or you’re parched or the sun is in your eyes or the dorm room bunkbed you’re sleeping on feels like a bag of marbles beneath your creaky old spine.

2. You’ll dance like no one is watching. Because they aren’t watching. You’re forty-two, remember. You’ll feel bummed about this for about thirty seconds, and then the D.J. will play “Funky Cold Medina,” and you’ll go right back to dancing like no one is watching.

3. You’ll say to a current student, “Hey, you know who Tone Loc is, right?” You’ll get a blank stare and then a polite shake of the head in return.

4. You won’t remember anyone’s names. But you will remember all the moves to the “Macarena.” You’ll pretend to be annoyed when the D.J. plays this song, but secretly you’ll be thrilled.

5. You’ll think, hey, I could pass for thirty. And then a current student will ask you if you’re back for your thirtieth reunion.

6. You’ll still have moments of feeling socially awkward. But this time around, you’ll realize that everyone else has these moments, too. You’ll also realize that you’ll be having these moments for the rest of your life.

7. You’ll bump into everyone you hope you won’t. That awkward hookup in the dorm shower? Check. That one who gave you crabs? Check.

8. You’ll wonder why you were so intimidated by other college students back then. They were just college students, you’ll think now. They didn’t even know how to fry an egg or do their own laundry — much less find the clitoris. (Related: You will realize how much better sex got after college. Especially if you’re a woman.)

9. You’ll feel schadenfreude about someone who was always more attractive or cooler than you in college, and who is now pudgy/bald/divorced. Immediately after, you’ll feel bad for thinking this, and you’ll go over to talk to them to make amends. You’ll find out they’re actually a really good person.

10. You’ll get so drunk that you can’t find your way across campus, and you’ll marvel that you survived four years of college without getting date-raped. You’ll wonder whether times have changed, or men have changed, or you simply got lucky.*

11. You’ll wonder how you can possibly teach your daughter to be strong enough to be safe, and how you can teach your son to be strong enough to be respectful. For a brief micro-second, you’ll consider home-schooling.

12. Despite all this, you will experience overwhelming nostalgia for a time when your only responsibility was to show up to class on time. Or, at least, not be late every time.

13. You and your friends will find yourselves discussing what time you go to bed. (“Yeah, I feel so good if I’m in bed before ten.”) Someone will remark on how old this makes you, so you will stop, but in a matter of minutes you will find yourselves discussing espresso machines or aching limbs.

14. Pretty much everyone’s hair will be thinning a bit. Yep, even the women. Late-night, you may find yourself discussing the benefits of Rogaine.

15. You will remember how good it feels to flirt. With old flames, with friends, and with your spouse, too.

16. You will remember how good pizza tastes at two a.m. But even in your drunken state, you may still decide to dab the extra grease off your slice with napkins.

17. You will have one conversation that will make you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything in the past twenty years. Hey, there’s always going to be one asshole who uses their twentieth reunion to put people down. Move on, get another beer.

18. You will have many more conversations that will make you grateful for all you have accomplished and amassed in the past twenty years. You will toast all this with beer.

19. You will realize that you don’t regret any of it, because regrets are for people who don’t realize how precious life is, and why would you want to undo any of it? Even the hardest parts brought you to where you are now.

20. You will wonder how you spent four years drinking cheap beer. You don’t even like beer.

* If you were one of the unlucky ones: We’re so sorry. And we hope this didn’t keep you away from your twentieth college reunion. If you went back, we hope the trip at least provided some sense of closure.

Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Kaitlyn Takes NY)

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photo via ABC

JJ thought he’d score points with Kaitlyn and the community, oddly, by embracing “bros before hoes” and, we guess, “bros before foes” ideology when he told Clint to apologize, not to her, but to the other guys in the house for being a Bachelorette-bogarting douche. However, all he did was earn the derision of his castmates — and Bachelor Nation — by throwing his supposed best friend under the bus. Lesson 1A: Let your friends dig their own graves; don’t pick up a shovel to help.
Lesson 1B: Don’t call people “hoes,” JJ.

Out of the mouths of crazies, often comes deep, deep wisdom. Zany Ashley S. from her and Kaitlyn’s Bachelor season with Prince Farming popped up at the salon to prepare Kaitlyn’s side-do for her fancy-schmancy Metropolitan Museum of Art date with Jared. When asked about the importance of sexual chemistry in a potential life partner (e.g. Nick), Ashley had these choice words: “But that’s lust…In relationships, like, you’re always going to have times when your lives are not in sync exactly, and it’s really important to have another connection, like a friendship.” Even if the producers spoon fed her that line, we’re down.

When trying to say something deep and meaningful about love, remove your silly hat first.

While we appreciate Kaitlyn’s willingness to go with her gut, and Nick’s weirdly romantic gesture of volunteering to be Clint’s replacement as show villain, there is something uncool about saying, “I’m into you, but not enough to stop seeing new people” — even if you happen to be saying that to a whopping fourteen guys. Best not to date like you’re sampling a poo poo platter. Commit to one dish, see how it tastes, if it disagrees with you, order something different the next time. (A grosser analogy than we intended.) In other words, if you’re really looking for a lasting commitment, stop thinking with your clit.

No more rhyming date poems now, we mean it! (Anybody want a peanut?)

Read up on last week’s sex ed lessons from “The Bachelorette.”

Your Call: When Should You Go to Couples Therapy?

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photo via Gratisography

Dear Em & Lo,

I love my boyfriend: we share the same values and the same tastes. We’re totally attracted to each other. But we fight all the time. Over little things: like cleaning up (I’m messy), choice of words (his are often not PC), extended family (we both aren’t crazy about the each other’s), indecision (he never has an opinion), etc. We’ve only been together a little over a year (living together for half that), so it seems premature to consider couples’ counseling, though I can’t imagine breaking up with him any time soon. I also can’t imagine spending my life with us fighting like this. At what point do you decide to try therapy and when do you just break up?

— Ninja Girlfriend

What should N.G. do? Let her know in the comments below.

Your Weekly Horoscopes: June 8th, 2015

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If you’re going to share your soda with a complete stranger, don’t forget to use separate straws, if you know what we mean.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ve got an itch and you’re going to have to scratch it yourself this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Nothing can express your horoscope better than the poetry-in-motion that is “Reunited,” as sung by Peaches and Herb:

I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you ’cause I want you bad, hey, hey
Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited ’cause we understood
There’s one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited ’cause we’re reunited, hey, hey

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t date anyone from work. However, picking people up at the grocery store is completely acceptable.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve overdosed on “where is this relationship going?” talk. Have a break, have a Kit-Kat, have a quickie. Do not discuss how the quickie made you “feel.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We’ve always appreciated that scene from “Sex, Lies, and Videotape” where the sister explains to her brother-in-law, with whom she is having an affair, that her sins are not as bad as his: “I never got up in front of a bunch of people and God and promised to be faithful to Anne,” or something like that. Because you know, it’s always “the other woman” (or in some cases, “the other man”) who seems to get all the blame. Still, that’s just bad karma, man. So stay away from your in-laws, or other people’s in-laws.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s major decision time this week, so dig a little deeper than usual. This decision may change the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your summer), so try not to base your choice on fleeting factors like six-packs and six-pack abs. Get a spine and make the grown-up choice, ya big wuss.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You are the greatest lover on the planet. Some suckers will actually believe this.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Here’s your problem: You always want it right-here-right-now, so you tend to focus on who’s available rather than who’s your ideal partner. Here’s your solution: Next time you’re tempted to go on a date/go home with someone who’ll “do for now,” just say no; instead, go home and masturbate to the fantasy of Mr./Ms. Right.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You may feel like you’re out of control on the tilt-a-whirl of love, but really it’s just hormones. Enjoy the ride (and we’re not talking metaphorically, if you know what we mean).

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will make a physical connection with someone who is warm, loving, and sensitive to your needs this week. And you know what that spells, right? Give us an OHHHHHHHHHH…

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You have been letting physical attraction overrule intellectual appeal. What are you, human or something? You don’t have to date anyone who got beat with the ugly stick, but you might want to at least rule out anyone who can’t name our president.

Strap-on Sex Won’t Turn You Gay (If You Aren’t Already)

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photo via flickr

We usually don’t dignify the crazies with a response, but we just can’t let this one go: A string of reader responses got us so infuriated that we decided to dedicate an entire column to setting him straight (no pun intended). We’ve edited his comments for space and readability while maintaining their warped content and spirit:

Hey Em & Lo,

What will happen when a straight couple who’s used a strap-on splits up? After months of penetration and a subsequent break up, where is the guy going to satisfy his newly acquired desire to be penetrated? It is not easy to find another woman that would want to do this to a guy. Yes, online it appears all women do it, but in real life, most women would be horrified at the idea of using a strap on on their BF and would make fun of a guy who enjoys getting penetrated. So it will take time and effort to find another woman like that.

In the meantime, with whom is this man going to talk about his desire to be penetrated? To his straight friends? I do not think so. To his female friends? Not unless they are strap-on girls, which is highly unlikely. Will he talk to homosexual guys about the issue, not because he himself is homosexual, but because they have something in common? Will he someday allow a man to penetrate him even though he still considers himself straight because he does not like men, because he thinks “It’s basically just the same thing as a strap on.”

Let me make an analogy: After a few years in a war zone becoming desensitized to guns and killing and shooting humans, a normal citizen could end up becoming a criminal. Now, not all men are secret criminals. A guy might not be genetically predisposed to become a criminal, but the the trauma of being in a military situation that involves weapons training combined with his confusion, weakness, stress and financial issues might make him prone to falling into a life of crime.

Similarly, a guy can become desensitized by getting dominated with a strap on. I am not saying that a straight man that gets done with a strap on will automatically become gay (unless he is already gay, a closeted homosexual or a feminine guy learning he likes that). What I am saying is that man, once alone, without the GF that used to bend him over, will still crave being penetrated. The guy in question might not become gay because he was a secret gay man, he might become gay because he needed to satisfy a need (penetration) that developed from a risky experiment with a girl that he wanted to try it with or that once asked him to bend over. Once the defense mechanisms are gone, he might end up somewhere he never intended nor wanted to be.

Women seem to play with bisexuality like a game, they go in and out of it with no real consequences. But men are different: a man that plays with homosexuality never goes back like women do. By bending a man over for her pleasure, she’s not necessarily turning that man into a homosexual, but yes, she’s taking him to the doorstep of that road. Does she have the right to do so? I think these women are destroying a human being just for the sake of their fantasy. If it was a married couple, I see no problem: the woman has the commitment to stay with the end product of her making. But if it is just a BF/GF thing, guys beware, you might end up becoming a completely different person. Would you turn gay? Not necessarily, but by parallel destinations, you might end up in gay guys’ company, the only ones able to hear you once you are alone.

All I am saying is that it is a ride with no return. Once you are used to being penetrated, you will never go back from that.

— James

Hey James,

It’s time to bend over. Not for a strap-on session, but for a spanking! Because you’ve been a very naughty boy, tainting our usually thoughtful comments section with your own brand of crazy. But don’t worry, we promise you won’t become a reluctant BDSM lifestyler from our walloping…

There are several holes (oh man, the puns are effortless) in your argument. But before we begin poking at them, let’s all agree that we are not talking about repressed homosexuals who are in denial about their sexual orientation. Okay then:

First, you cannot compare an otherwise well-adjusted person’s experience with intense military combat involving the massacre of human beings that results in post-traumatic stress disorder to a pleasant, consensual sexual experience between well-adjusted adults. In the simplest terms: the former is bad, the latter is good. One is outside the realm of healthy human experiences; the other is well within the realm of healthy sexual experimentation with someone you trust.

Second, if some people were so desperate for a specific sex act after a break-up — let’s say, oral sex — then by your argument, there would be many more cases where otherwise well-adjusted people felt compelled to turn to their golden retrievers for their similar licking abilities. We’re not saying this hasn’t happened in the history of sex and pets, but that’s not a legitimate, reasonable or logical reason for people to avoid cunnilingus or fellatio altogether with partners they care about.

(In fact, you inadvertently make butt sex sound soooooo enjoyable — enjoyable enough that it would drive people to extreme lengths — that we’re sure you’ve convinced a few people to see what they’ve been missing out on.)

Third, if you’re a decidedly straight guy who enjoys anal play but suddenly finds himself without a female partner, there’s no need to go against every sexual instinct you’ve experienced since childhood and suddenly go gay: you can simply choose from a plethora of butt-safe toys to replicate the sensation during masturbation. Sheesh.

Fourth, while you say not every guy would automatically start engaging in homosexual acts, you suggest that bum-loving is a ride you can never get off. We will happily admit that some people may try a sexual activity, enjoy it thoroughly, and then want to include in their repertoire on a regular basis from then on. Everyone has their preferences. But to suggest that once you go “back” you can never go back — no matter who you are — is ludicrous. Plenty of people are happy to try new things, enjoy them, but then can take them or leave them. Again, the average person could certainly go without, due to a breakup or an unwilling partner they cared about. And plenty of guys will try strap-on sex and not like it (believe it or not!).

Fifth, you talk about women who enjoy wearing strap-ons with their male partners as if they were all master sexual manipulators stripping men of all willpower and masculinity without a care for anything but their own sexual fantasies and satisfaction. Um, it takes two to tango. If a guy doesn’t want his backdoor knocked on, there’s no way his girlfriend is somehow sneaking in a strap-on dildo. Even if his girlfriend is Angelina Jolie.

Speaking of masculinity, if you think being penetrated is feminine, then you’re sexist. If you think enjoying anal play is gay, then you’re a homophobe. And we don’t tolerate either around these here 21st-century parts. As we’ve said before, nerve endings aren’t gay or straight, people are. Sex is all about context, which is why almost no women get turned on by tampon insertion. You engage in sexual activities with people you are attracted to — that’s a large part of what makes them enjoyable. If you’re not attracted to the person on a primal level, you’re not going to enjoy the sex. So if you’re not into guys, you’re not going to enjoy one of them intimately massaging your prostate. But if you’re into girls, then you very well may like having one travel down your hershey highway, because it’s chockful of nerves that respond to stimulation (the right kind of stimulation, whatever that is for you).

All this is not to say that for some people sexual orientation is not fluid. Many people are bisexual, of course. And there’s nothing wrong with experimenting with partners you trust, whether they fall in line with your current sexual orientation or not. Would that make you gay? Only if you want it to. The range of sexual activity is so wide that we believe you should define yourself however you see fit, even if it’s not neatly black or white. It’s your sexual identity — own it. So please don’t go poo-poo-ing others for wanting to play around with sexual roles. That’s usually where they can broaden their horizons, see how ridiculous some of the assumptions they have about sex or gender roles are, and have the most fun!

Now go blow it out your arse,

Em & Lo

Hoping He’ll Bend Over?
8 Steps to Convincing Your Straight Boyfriend to Let You Peg Him

My Penis Is Too Big for Sex

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photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I will cut to the chase: I’m not bragging here but I have a much larger than average penis (it’s almost 11 inches) and it’s ruining my sex life. Every ex-girlfriend I have had has said it hurts them and one even just turned around and said no way and broke up with me a couple of days later. I have yet to have sex with my current girlfriend due to fear she will do the same or I will end up hurting her. Is surgery an option? Or is there any thing I can do to make her more ‘accommodating.’ I really need some advice!

The Jolly Peen Giant

Hi JP,

We suppose if you complained to your straight guy friends about this, you’d probably get a lot of responses along the lines of “Cry me a river,” and “I wish I had your problems” and “Oh, poor wittle baby with a big probwem, boo hoo” and so on. But just as a particularly small penis can cause a lot of sexual difficulties, insecurities and/or fears, so can a particularly large member. We’re not medical experts and cannot speak to any surgical possibilities (if there are any), but we can give you a few tricks and techniques to try before you talk to your doctor about medical intervention:

Insist on foreplay. And lots of it. Think extended erotic buildup. In other words: tease, tease, tease. The more turned on she is, the more room there is in the back two-thirds of her vagina, the better penetration will feel to her, and the greater chance for her own natural lubrication to supplement all the man-made lube you’ll be using (see next point). Also, if perineal massage by doulas works for women in labor, it just might work for you, too!
Use lube! Do you know what we like to say about lube in the sex biz? Too much lube is almost enough. And in your case, we’d say, double it. A water-based or silicone lubricant can really help ease friction. Keep reapplying it throughout the sesh (a pump dispenser is great for one-handed reapplication). And don’t be a cheapskate — K-Y might seem like a bargain, and it might be the closest at hand in your corner drugstore, but it can’t compete with the higher-end, longer-lasting, heartier lubes available at sex toy outlets like Goodvibes.com. There you can get sampler packs to experiment with until you find the one that helps you fit together the most comfortably. Or treat yourself to a nice bottle of love that’s glycerine free, paraben free, and fragrance free like Lelo’s Personal Moisturizer. We’re guessing that something sturdy like Maximus – popular with anal sex fans — will help get the job done. (Though let it be stated for the record that we don’t see a lot of anal sex in your future!)
Try condoms (if you’re not using them already). Not only will it help protect you against STDs and pregnancy (duh), it may also help facilitate a smoother entry and less internal tissue tearing, especially if it’s lubricated (just avoid the ones with Non-oxynol 9.) And make sure the added lube you’re using is compatible with latex. Invest in high quality, super-thin condoms with added sensitivity for you — you don’t want some thick, cheap rubber desensitizing you, resulting in the urge/need for you to thrust harder/faster/deeper to get to your own happy place. In fact, you should come to terms with the fact that hard/fast/deep thrusting is just not in the cards for you. But not to worry — see our next two points!
Do it differently. Jackhammering is not the only way to get busy — in fact, for most women, it’s a terrible and unsatisfying way to have intercourse. With penile penetration, focus on shallow penetration and slow, gentle thrusting. Remember, the outer third of the vagina tends to be more sensitive, anyway. Plus, shallower penetration givers you a greater chance of stimulating her G-spot (if she’s into that). Think of the missionary position as your friend — if you think it’s boring, then experiment with the Coital Alignment Technique. Or hold still so your partner can control the motion (rather than vice versa). Or let her get on top so that she can set the pace (rather than vice versa). Play around with other positions until you find the most comfortable ones — for example, if regular doggie style feels too deep for her (which we’re sure it will), have her try lying flat on her stomach and keeping her legs fairly close together. Call it Sleeping Doggie. Try sex on your sides, to limit the depth of penetration as much as possible. You could also try having her put her hand on the base of your shaft to keep you from entering her up to the hilt.
Stop thinking of intercourse as sex. Those two things are not the necessarily the same. Intercourse isn’t the be-all end-all of sex, despite wide reports to the contrary (gross exaggerations, if you ask us). Spend lots of time on naked grinding, massage, “titty fucks” (just please, for the love of god, don’t call it that), handwork, oral sex, sex toys, mutual masturbation, etc. In two words: reconceptualize sex. As long as you’re having fun and getting off, those things can be just as good (if not better, especially in your case) than the old in-out. Instead of thinking of intercourse as the main course, think of it as the occasional side dish or dessert of an already satisfying meal.
Encourage your girlfriend to work on strengthening her pelvic floor muscles. Many natural birth advocates encourage preggos to do their Kegels religiously, since having toned PC muscles not only means you can contract them at will, but you can also relax them when it’s time to make way for a baby to come out — and we don’t see why this wouldn’t work in the opposite direction in your case.
Experiment with sex toys first. This would require some time, effort, cash, and an enthusiasm for experimentation, but you could try getting a series of increasingly large dildos or vibrators to help her work her way up to your level. The idea isn’t to stretch anything (the myth of the literally loose woman still endures), the idea is to just condition her pelvic muscles.
Try it at different times of the month. She may find that it’s more or less comfortable at different times during her cycle. For example, you may find you have to abstain from penile penetration the week before and during her period.
Try to date tall women. We know, we know, you can’t really help who you fall for. But it would be way better to team up with a woman who’s your height and plays in an adult women’s rugby league rather than going for a 5-foot, 100-pound yoga instructor.
If all else fails, you can always become a porn star. Just kidding.

Good luck to you…and even more luck to your girlfriend!

Em & Lo

Sheryl Sandberg’s Post Will Make You Want to Lean In…To a Loved One

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photo via Sheryl Sandberg's Facebook page

One month ago, Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, author of the bestselling book Lean In, and the woman behind the “Ban Bossy” campaign, lost her husband, Dave Goldberg. He died suddenly while they were vacationing in Mexico. The eulogy she posted on Facebook a few days later was a stirring tribute to a partnership that was both completely equal, and also deeply passionate. (Two things that some “experts” claim don’t co-exist easily in marriage.)

Today marks the end of sheloshim for Sandberg’s husband — the first thirty days of mourning. In Judaism, family and friends “sit shiva” for a loved one for seven days after the burial, and after that most normal activities resume, but it is the end of sheloshim that marks the completion of religious mourning for a spouse. Sandberg chose this occasion to write again about her marriage on Facebook — about what it means to mourn, and what it means to attempt to move forward.

The result is a gorgeously heartbreaking piece of writing on love and loss. She says, “I have lived thirty years in these thirty days. I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser.” And this post, detailing how Sandberg has leaned on friends, family, and, yes, work, is intentionally public. Sandberg writes:

While the experience of grief is profoundly personal, the bravery of those who have shared their own experiences has helped pull me through. Some who opened their hearts were my closest friends. Others were total strangers who have shared wisdom and advice publicly. So I am sharing what I have learned in the hope that it helps someone else. In the hope that there can be some meaning from this tragedy.

But it is her closing message that is truly inspiring:

I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave. I want option A.” He put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”

Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave.

If you can make it through the entire post with dry eyes, then we suspect you of having a heart of stone. But dry eyes or no, we hope it will remind you to lean in to a loved one, and appreciate the option A of your life, whoever that may be.

Why a Wife Bonus Isn’t As Bad As You Think

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photo via IMDB

MVP commenter Johnny wrote the following in response to our post “The Best of #WifeBonus on Twitter”:

Is there not just a touch of sour grapes about all this? Because I’ll tell you my main feeling on the matter: envy. Green, ugly envy.

I wish I had as much money as those people. I wish I had multiple million-dollar homes and a hundred thousand bucks to toss my wife at the end of they year. If I could express my appreciation for everything she does with more than words or heartfelt gestures, I would. I’ve got a fantastic woman and if I had riches I’d shower her with them.

I wish I had so much money that my wife never had a care in the world and could devote herself totally to raising our kid and pleasing me. Which I believe would make her happy, actually.

And I don’t believe that most women would really rather bust their asses to make a mediocre living than be kept by a millionare. Sorry. Not buying it.

I mean, we assume there’s something insidious at play, but what if there’s not? What if it’s not just about the money, and those women just happen to really love a guy who’s filthy rich enough to keep them up in style?

I’m inclined to think those relationships are real, beyond the financial, because any one of those women could at any time ditch her husband and lay claim to the greatest wife bonus of all: alimony. Man. Instead of a bonus, she could HALF of all that shit, and pre-nups be damned. Those aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.

I just don’t have the problem with this that everyone else has. Or, anyway, I have a different problem with it.

And here’s what happened when I ran this by my gal:

I said, “babe, if I gave you a cash bonus at the end of the year for doing all sorts of wife stuff, like cooking and cleaning and staying hot for me, would…”

She popped up with a big grin and went, “bonus!?”

I said, “wait, hang on, this is just hypothe-”

She cut me off. “How much?”

“I don’t know, like fifty grand or…”

At this point I couldn’t stand to keep it up because she was getting too giddy at the thought of a bonus I can’t afford to give her. When she settled down and told me her real thoughts, these were her conditions:

1. She’d be cool with a bonus as long as there was no flip-side of financial punishment for falling short.

2. Quote: “if you gave me fifty grand I know exactly what I’d do with it. By next year I’d turn it into a hundred grand.”

3. She’d want her obligations clearly spelled out. It couldn’t be based on my whimsy. There would need to be a list of clearly defined and achievable criteria.

4. Being a bit of a perfectionist, she pretty much does everything right anyway, so why not?

As I type this she sulks because there is no actual bonus. Damn it, I should never have brought it up.

Toys You'll Love

1. Start with at Least 15 Minutes of Foreplay

2. Play Around with Power Roles

3. Get Really Good at Oral Sex

4. Going 69 Means Everyone’s a Winner

5. Make Friends with the Clitoris

6. Bring Sex Toys Into the Bedroom

7. Wear a Cock Ring

8. Talk Dirty

9. All Hands on Deck

10. Fake Sexual Confidence

11. Become a G-Man

12. Help Your Erection Be All That It Can Be

13. Be a Backdoor Friend

14. There’s More to Sex Than Vaginal Friction

15. Chemistry Matters More Than Anything

Your Next Step: Check out our 10 Best Intercourse Positions for Small Penises

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