All posts by Em & Lo

Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Ireland)

1. Cheating on your wife won’t just mess up your marriage — it could seriously impact your future relationships, too. Because at some point, your new girlfriend is going to ask, “So, er, hey, what happened with your marriage?” Then you’re going to have to admit that you cheated on the mother of your child. And the chances of your new girlfriend sticking around after that — especially if she has already admitted that her greatest fear is being cheated on — are slim to none. No rose for you buddy, sorry. (Oh, and a side note: If you’re going to admit to cheating on your wife, have a little dignity and put on a pair of socks with your boat shoes first, please.)

2. Jealousy and insecurity can be a huge turn-off. Especially when it’s been made abundantly clear to you that this is not a monogamous relationship — at least, not yet. When Shawn showed up at Kaitlyn’s room, she was terrified he was going to mention the fact that she slept with Nick. She was teary and contrite. And then when she realized that Shawn was just there to whine about the fact that they weren’t boyfriend-girlfriend yet, even though she’d told him she rilly rilly liked him — well, suddenly the power dynamic shifted. His neediness and insecurity and jealousy were suddenly incredibly annoying. And suddenly his future with Kaitlyn doesn’t seem quite so certain.

3. Being a shoulder to cry on will put you in the friend zone immediately. Ben Z thought he was being smart by stealing Kaitlyn away from all the teary drama and taking her outside, where they cozied up under a plaid blanket while he asked her if she was hanging in there. She was incredibly relieved to have a little friendly, undemanding company — but guess who went home without a rose? Ben Z, that’s who.

4. Kissing and telling will bite you in the ass in the end. Nick lied through his teeth when he told Kaitlyn that he hadn’t bragged to the other guys about how “intimate” they got together. She believed him. It’s important to her that he be a gentleman about this, and not dish like he’s in a locker room. Guess who’s going to be out on his ass next week when Kaitlyn finds out what he really said? Big mouth braggart Nick, that’s who. (That’s our best guess, anyway.)

5. Wearing a bright blue suit with black satin lapels (or were those black leather lapels? We’re not sure which would be worse) is never a good look. Sorry, Shawn. Especially if you have a body like Michael Phelps…but a face like Michael Phelps, too.

6. Real men cry when they get dumped. Even successful dentists who have blinding white, perfect teeth! We lost count of how many manly tears were shed on this episode, but Cupcake definitely wins, with his Ireland cliff edge dramatic weeping into his plaid scarf while Kaitlyn flew away from him in a helicopter. Ouch. Weep it out, baby.

7. Real women shouldn’t vocal fry when they apologize to their partners. It makes them sound like teenagers apologizing to their parents for breaking curfew. Kaitlyn: Speak up, own your words!

8. Feelings are so intense. Yeah, they really are. They’re, like, these feelings, you know? And they way they feel, it’s just so intense.

9. It’s okay to tell yourself that someone’s just “scared” or “not ready for a relationship” when they dump you. Clearly Kaitlyn is just not into Cupcake, despite the great teeth, but for him to admit this to himself would only make things feel worse. And so he tells himself — out loud, fortunately, so we don’t have to read his mind — that she’s “a mess” and she’s just not ready for a commitment. But hey, if this gets you through the first terrible hours of a breakup, we’re all for it.

10. Relationships are like driving stick shift — you can’t go too fast, or too slow, or you might stall out. Straight from the mouth of Katilyn, that wisdom! Not that she’s taking things particularly slow with anyone. But she definitely learned the hard way that saying too much, too soon, before a relationship is strong enough to handle it, can cause that baby relationship to crack under the pressure.

How Do You Round the Final Bend When Sex Feels Amazing But You Don’t Orgasm?

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photo via Pixabay

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

I am afraid that I can’t orgasm. Oral and vaginal sex feel amazing — and even masturbating does, too. I begin to get different sensations, but then it gets to where it either hurts or just goes away, and there is no actual release. What’s wrong with me?

Sincerely,

Trouble in Paradise

What advice do you have for T.I.P.? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

A Beginner’s Guide to Anal Sex

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photo via Pixabay

Freud really screwed things up. Add ass play to the long list of fun sex acts he turned into big social no-no’s. Sure, he said fascination with your own bum was an important and necessary part of a child’s development, but then he diagnosed that same pleasure in adults as immature and dysfunctional. Why should kids have all the fun? Admit it: There’s nothing quite like a satisfying poo. After the sneeze, it’s probably the closest bodily function to an orgasm.

Freud’s not the only party pooper, though; there are myriad reasons why people still have a bug up their ass about anal play, even a hundred years later. Germaphobes worry that it’s too dirty — and not in that good, naughty way. Prudes worry that it’s too dirty in that good naughty way. Tight-asses worry about pain, loose sphincters, and incontinence. Homophobia’s a biggie, too: Hetero men (and even their girlfriends) worry that using his exit as an entrance will “turn him gay.” Or at least turn him girly — which stems from a long, uncool tradition of rigidly defined gender roles and sexism. And some people just don’t like the color brown.

Pshaw, we say. First of all, having anal sex is as likely to turn you gay as listening to Elton John. (And believe it or not, many gay men never go dirt-roading.) We all have plenty of nerve endings back there, and nerve endings aren’t gay or straight — they’re just there to make things feel good (or bad, if you do it wrong). There are also simple ways to keep things tidy so you don’t end up with a sepia-toned crime scene in your bedroom. As for the prudes, they should know better than anyone that breaking taboos is half the fun. And with enough relaxation, communication, lubrication, and TLC, anal sex can actually strengthen your sphincter muscles. Plus, all that communication can really foster intimacy. Finally, everyone knows that brown is the new black.

But before you become backdoor friends, you need to do a bit of homework. Unlike garden-variety front-door sex, there is a wrong way to have anal sex. (Hint: If it hurts, you’re doing it the wrong way.) When it comes to good old-fashioned backdoor lovin’, understand that the anus and rectum are not like the vagina: they are not self-lubricating, their tissue is much more delicate, and they don’t expand to fit the penetrator. Ready to go spelunking? Here’s our fifteen-step guide to anal sex, whether your tool of choice is a penis or a strap-on dildo.

1. Like a Good Chef, Prep Ahead of Time

There’s no need for an enema, just make sure you’ve got enough fiber in your diet for solid deposits — yes, that means you should eat your bran flakes! A daily dose of fiber in your diet will make things cleaner and more comfy back there. You should also avoid beans and anything else that makes you gassy 24 hours prior to the act; drop the kids off at the pool; and shower thoroughly immediately beforehand. (This is polite behavior, not prudish!)

2. Get Used to the Idea on Your Own

Speaking of the shower: this is a good place to test the back waters. We’ll be honest, it feels kind of funny at first. So, to get used to the sensation, stick a soapy finger where the sun don’t shine next time you shower. (Just be sure to rinse thoroughly afterwards, as soap residue can be a little irritating back there.) FYI, you should do this whether you plan on being the receiver or the giver — it’s helpful to know the sensation your partner will be experiencing.

3. No “Oopsing”!

Advance communication is key, and anal sex makes for a terrible surprise gift. If you want your partner to actually enjoy this, then discuss it first — don’t pretend you accidentally knocked on the wrong door. In fact, communication throughout the act will be key, so anal sex is something best practiced with someone you know well and trust. Hey, long-term monogamy has got to have some benefits!

4. Don’t Be Drunk

Just as you shouldn’t operate heavy machinery while under the influence, you shouldn’t experiment with anal sex while drunk, either. Pain is a sign you’re doing something wrong, and if you’re wasted, you won’t know when to stop.

5. Use Manmade Lube

Don’t ever go near the backdoor (not even with a pinkie) without a generous supply of manmade lube-spit’s just not enough. In fact, it would be downright deviant not to use the ass-istance of manmade lube. Try Liquid Silk, and be liberal in its application (we recommend a hand pump dispenser for easy one-handed reapplication). And steer clear of lube with numbing ingredients-you’ll want all your pain and pleasure sensors fully operational.

6. Start Slow

Don’t go in like gangbusters: Remember, there are no anal sex starter kits that come with 12-inch dongs! Work your way up slowly, first with a little teasing on the surface, then go in gently with a well-lubed pinkie (hint: trim your nails!), then an index finger, then a small (okay, average) penis, dildo, or butt plug. At each step, pause so that both parties can appreciate the line that has been crossed. The receiver may find that deep breathing helps them accustom to the unfamiliar sensation.

7. Get the Angle Right

The rectum is not a straight line! So don’t go thrusting in and out like it’s a vagina. Even small, contained movements feel pretty intense back there. If you want some examples of the correct angle for the penis, check out videos from sites like porn-hd.xxx. Once you’re in just past the two ring-like sphincters of the anus, angle your penetrator towards the receiver’s bellybutton to avoid hitting the rectal wall.

8. Any Toys Must Have a Flared Base

When using something other than your own finger or penis, make sure it was made for bum play (i.e. has a tapered tip for smooth entry, no rough seams, and a flared base so it doesn’t get lost up there).

9. The Receiver Sets the Pace

Beginners should maintain eye contact at all times (assuming the position allows it — see below) as you figure out the best depth, speed, and rhythm. First-time receivers may even want to guide the penis (or strap-on) in with their hands.

10. Consider the Missionary Position

Don’t limit yourselves to doggy-style-missionary position anal sex is often easier for the first-time receiver. In this position, the receiver lies on their back with their legs bent at the knee and up a little, so they’re almost resting on their chest. This position is great for both communication and also intimacy. Hey, who knew anal sex could be so romantic?! Another great beginner position is sideways anal sex. Tip: have the inside spoon use a wall for leverage. If you’re wanting to find about some other positions that could be beneficial to experiment with, you could always have a look at some anal scenes using tube videos hd or similar websites.

11. Don’t Go from Back to Front

Just like women are taught to wipe front to back: to avoid a nasty post-sex infection, keep anything that’s been in the bum (a penis, a finger, a toy, a tongue, whatever) away from the vagina and the mouth to avoid infection.

12. If It Hurts or Bleeds, Stop!!!

Duh, right? But our lawyers insist we say this. Pain and blood should not be part of your anal sex experience.

13. Wrap It Up

Unprotected anal sex is the one of the riskiest forms of sex in terms of STDs, so always use a condom.

14. No Fast Exits!

Always pull out slowly and gently, even if your partner is screaming, “Get the f*&$ out!!” The movement can feel even more intense in the reverse direction.

15. Cuddle

Anal sex can be pretty intense, especially for the first-time receiver, so don’t forget to spoon when you’re done.

Interested in a Butt Plug?
The Top 5 Rules of Engagement for Backdoor Toys

Your Weekly Horoscopes: June 29th, 2015

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photo via Pixabay

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you’re not with someone who’s got their head in the game (or at least between your thighs), start thinking about trading players.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s probably best to avoid slipping some Spanish Fly into your partner’s cocktail, attempting stealth hypnosis, or tying them to your bedpost in the middle of the night while they’re in dreamland. Ambushing: never a good idea. Instead, try honest communication to get what you want this week — you’ll feel better about yourself in the morning and avoid incarceration altogether.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It may have worked for Danny Zuko and Sandy, but we suggest you stay away from any kind of song-and-dance routine this week. We know, sometimes it seems like no one can better express what you’re feeling than Elton John (“It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside . . . “) — but now is the time to be yourself, use your own words, and avoid being extravagant or out of the ordinary simply to impress someone. Of course, if you can convince us that tap-dancing to “Bitch, I’m Madonna” is the move that works for you, then by all means . . .

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
As Salt-N-Pepa once said, Push it. Push it real good. No matter what those wussy Tauruses say.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If, at any point during the next week, you feel compelled to exclaim any of the following, do it — and stick by your word:
It’s time to fish or cut bait, Honey.
Shape up or ship out, Snookums.
If you can’t take the heat, Poopypie, get out of my kitchen.
Either shit or get off the pot (pardon my French, Fuckface).
Note: terms of endearment are optional.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We see hot sex in your near future. Enjoy it, would ya?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you insist that your partner go see ted2 with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone with good taste in movies. Or if you pressure your lover to open their backdoor before you agree to meet their ‘rents, that lover may open said backdoor all over your closet of expensive shoes before leaving your sorry ass and going back home for a nice family visit. This week, make especially sure that your actions will result in desirable equal and opposite reactions.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The bad news is that Monday’s going to suck. But Tuesday will suck a little less. Ditto Wednesday. In fact, your week will steadily improve all the way through to Sunday, by which point we expect you to be having wake-up-the-neighbors sex with the man/woman/sex toy of your dreams.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Vow to never forcefully push your way into an elevator, a relationship, or a body cavity. Likewise, keep your finger on the “close door” button whenever you’re so inclined.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If someone was giving a test on igniting the flames of desire this week, you’d ace it. You could probably get a doctorate in it. You could become a professor. But why waste your gift in the classroom? Don’t teach, do.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you must take candy from strangers, make sure it’s wrapped.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Just pick up the damn phone and ask them out. Yeah, right, like it’s that easy. Well, a friend of ours is currently reading one of those sleazy seduction books, and he swears by this particular tip: Say “hi” to at least seven women a day. Don’t try to talk to them, just say “hi” and move on — on the bus, the sidewalk, whatever. That way (the theory goes), when you do meet someone you want to talk to, it’ll feel more natural. Or maybe people will just start referring to you as Freaky Hi Guy on Main Street. But anyway, practice is the thing we’re talking about. Practice your technique on the Dominos operator or your bank’s customer service rep or the talking clock. The worst they can do is hang up. And maybe you’ll get free breadsticks.

How Not to Be a Dick About a Guy’s Small Penis

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photo by Ryan McGuire

Ladies, you know how you feel when you’re overweight and even your fat jeans don’t fit anymore? Or you’re having a bad hair month at the same time your best friend scores a role in a shampoo commercial? Or what about when you’re finally forced to admit that you’re not, in fact, a B-cup bra size but are actually a double A?

Multiply these feelings by, like, a billion, and that’s what it feels like to have a small penis. Except that no diet or hair stylist or padded bra from Victoria’s Secret can do a thing to change a guy’s penis size. (And no surgeon should either — penis enlargement surgery is both incredibly dangerous and pretty much ineffective, too: here’s why.)

But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about your partner’s small penis. In fact, how you talk about your guy’s penis, and how you act around it, can make all the difference in the world to him. Say the wrong thing, and you could seriously hurt a penis’s feelings (like, permanently). But say or do the right thing, and you may just transform your entire sex life. Because the worst thing about having a small penis is how it affects a guy’s sexual confidence in bed — but you have the power in you to boost this confidence. Here’s how:

1. Lie About His Penis, But Tell Small, Believable Lies

Yeah, yeah, we know we’re big proponents of the truth on this website. But when it comes to penis size, we’re okay with a little truthiness instead. Think back to what we were saying about gaining weight: Would you really want your guy to be totally blunt about the way you look? Or would you rather he say something really complimentary about your curves, and convince you he’s still madly lusting after you?

Same goes for penis size. But you have to tell believable lies. Telling a big whopper that is very obviously a lie (“Omigod that’s like the biggest penis I’ve ever seen, you should totally be a porn star!!”) is no better than the harsh truth (“That’s the smallest penis I’ve ever seen”). It’s worse than the truth, in fact, because it’s condescending to boot.

If he feels really self-conscious, why not suggest buying the 5 Best Penis Enlargement Pumps – Penetric to boost his confidence? It’s important that you both feel comfortable in this situation. It’s okay to admit that you’ve seen a bit bigger, but make sure you mention that you’ve seen a lot smaller, too (and it’s definitely okay to lie about this part!). Tell him that a good fit is what counts, and his penis fits you perfectly. You might also add that being too big can be uncomfortable, and make a lot of positions uncomfortable or even impossible.

2. Talk About What His Penis Does For You

Take the focus away from the size of his penis and shine a light instead on what his penis does. Talk about the ways his penis makes you happy. Tell him you love taking him into your mouth. Tell him you love the way his penis hits your G-spot. You could even tell him that his penis is better at reaching his G-spot than any penis you’ve ever known. (Given that the G-spot is just a few inches in, this is probably true.) Tell him you love feeling him get hard in your hand. Most of all, tell him how happy you are in bed with him, and remind him that his penis plays a starring role in this state of affairs.

3. Tell Him He’s Great in Bed

And don’t just tell him once. Tell him this a lot. (Trust us, guys will never get sick of hearing you extolling their sexual prowess.) And be specific about what makes him so good in bed — maybe it’s his advanced oral skills, or his hands, or the way he grinds against your clitoris and labia during the Coital Alignment Technique. The more specific you are with your compliments, the more believable they’ll be. As a bonus: when you compliment the things he does well, he’ll know to do more of those things in the future!

4. Suggest a 69

The great thing about small penises is how easy they are to go down on. You’ll feel like a porn star when you can take his entire penis into your mouth. But if you sense he’s insecure about this, then suggest a 69… he’ll be distracted enough going down on you that all he’ll be able to take on board is how good your mouth feels on his penis. And the Pavlovian conditioning of this act is awesome… you will probably moan in response to the cunnilingus, and his brain will take on board the fact that you’re moaning in pleasure while his penis is in your mouth. There’s a sexual confidence booster if ever we heard one!

5. Tell Him Exactly What Makes You Orgasm

Chances are, your clitoris is quite involved in your orgasm. Chances are, intercourse alone is not enough to bring you to orgasm. Which means that the size or girth or his penis is not necessarily part of your orgasmic equation. Make sure he knows this! Show him how his hands and maybe a small toy, when combined with intercourse, push you over the edge. Not only will this ensure that you get as many orgasms as possible, also he will realize that size really doesn’t matter when it comes to bringing most women to climax.

6. Consider Anal Sex

We’re not saying you have to have anal sex with your boyfriend or husband, and we’re not saying that every guy with a smaller than average penis should expect that his partner will be up for some backdoor action. But would you at least consider it? Sure, with a larger specimen, anal sex might have seemed about as appealing as a root canal, but this is different. You might actually enjoy it — if you do it right. (You’ll find a bunch of how-tips here — the most important tips being LUBE and TIME. Lots of both!) Because there’s no better way to convince your guy his penis is special to you than to let him christen a new entrance. No pressure, of course! Just, you know, bear it in mind.

7. Talk Dirty

Talk dirty about his penis during sex. Talk about other stuff, too. Narrate what’s going on. Be very vocal about your enjoyment. This will make the sex extra hot, and is a nice way of reminding your guy that you’re not lying there thinking about how small his penis is.

8. Buy Him a Vibrating Cock Ring

Because giving a gift is a great way of showing you care! Tell him the vibrating ring is for you — which is no lie, by the way. A vibrating silicone cock ring can provide vibrating clitoral stimulation during intercourse. What’s not to love? This puts less pressure on his penis to do the job. Plus, some guys find that their erections are a little more impressive when they wear a love ring. We like LELO’s Tor 2. Or, if $199 is too steep for you, GoodVibes.com sells a wide range of vibrating silicone cock rings for as little as $23, like this one and this one. You might have to play around with a few different designs until you find the one that’s the most comfortable fit for you and your partner.

9. Initiate Sex

There’s no better way to convince a guy that you like his penis than to be the one who initiates sex. It’s as simple as that.

10. Love His Penis

Lavish attention on it — with your mouth, with your hands, with your bare feet under the table during dinner. Objectify it. Lust after it. The penis is a simple thing, and will thrive under this sort of attention. Even if you don’t think this is the guy you will marry, loving his penis is a gift that keeps on giving — it will help him go out into the big bad world with increased sexual confidence. And sexual confidence trumps penis size any day of the week.

Rocking a below-average peen? Read:
“15 Ways to Make the Most
of a Small Penis”

11 Ways to Make Intercourse More Comfortable for Your Vagina

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For a lot of women, intercourse is not always like pizza: i.e. even when it’s bad it’s good. Nope: when intercourse is bad due to pain, it’s really bad. There are many reasons why intercourse can hurt: an infection, an STD, vaginitis, vulvodynia, PTSD (perhaps due to a previous sexual assault)… But if you’ve ruled these possibilities out with your doctors (and if sex is always painful for you, you must see a doctor), then we hope some of these tips for making intercourse more comfortable for your vagina will help:

Insist on foreplay. And lots of it. Think extended erotic buildup. In other words: get your partner to tease, tease, and tease you. And then tease you some more. The more turned on you are, the more room there is in the back two-thirds of your vagina, the better penetration will feel to you, and the greater chance for your own natural lubrication to supplement all the man-made lube you’ll be using (see next point).
Use lube! Do you know what we like to say about lube in the sex biz? Too much lube is almost enough. A water-based or silicone lubricant can really help ease friction. Keep reapplying it throughout the sesh (a pump dispenser is great for one-handed reapplication). And don’t be a cheapskate — K-Y might seem like a bargain, and it might be the closest at hand in your corner drugstore, but it can’t compete with the higher-end, longer-lasting, heartier lubes available at sex toy outlets like Goodvibes.com. There you can get sampler packs to experiment with until you find the one that helps you fit together the most comfortably. Or treat yourself to a nice bottle of love that’s glycerine free, paraben free, and fragrance free like Lelo’s Personal Moisturizer. Something sturdy like Maximus – popular with anal sex fans — will last a while, but don’t be afraid to re-apply, especially if you’re having a marathon session (i.e. anything longer than 10 minutes).
Try condoms (if you’re not using them already). Not only will it help protect you against STDs and pregnancy (duh), it may also help facilitate a smoother entry and less internal tissue tearing, especially if it’s lubricated (just avoid the ones with Non-oxynol 9.) And make sure the added lube you’re using is compatible with latex. Condoms might also protect you if his semen is irritating to your vagina (a possibility). So invest in high quality, super-thin condoms with added sensitivity for him — you don’t want some thick, cheap rubber desensitizing him, resulting in the urge/need for him to thrust harder/faster/deeper to get to his own happy place and resulting in vadge burn for you! (See next point.)
Do it differently. Jackhammering is not the only way to get busy — in fact, for most women, it’s a terrible and unsatisfying way to have intercourse. With penile penetration, have your fella focus on shallow penetration and slow, gentle thrusting. Remember, the outer third of the vagina tends to be more sensitive. Plus, shallower penetration gives him a greater chance of stimulating your G-spot (if you’re into that — see the next point). Experiment with the Coital Alignment Technique. Or have your partner hold still so your you can control the motion (rather than vice versa). Or get on top so that you can set the pace (rather than vice versa). Play around with other positions until you find the most comfortable ones.
Avoid G-spotting. For some women, having their G-spot targeted is actually painful. Maybe that’s you. So have him skip any come-hither handwork before intercourse, and avoid positions that target it, like Doggie Style, to see if that helps.
Work on strengthening your pelvic floor muscles. Many natural birth advocates encourage preggos to do their Kegels religiously, since having toned PC muscles not only means you can contract them at will, but you can also relax them when it’s time to make way for a baby to come out — and we don’t see why this wouldn’t work in the opposite direction in your case.
Keep the clitoris content. If clitoral stimulation is necessary for your sexual satisfaction, then by all means make sure that your clit keeps getting the attention it needs and deserves throughout intercourse — whether that ‘s via his hand, your fingers, a vibrating penis ring, or a sexual position that keeps pressure on that area during intercourse (like the C.A.T.). Considering the vast distance between the clitoris and the vaginal canal (everything’s relative), then you’ve got to be proactive about keeping it in the game, especially when a lot of intercourse positions leave the clit sitting out on the sidelines.
Try it at different times of the month. You may find that it’s more or less comfortable at different times during your cycle. For example, you may find you have to abstain from penile penetration the week before and during your period.
Think sexy thoughts. As they say, your brain is your biggest sex organ. So be in the moment. Stay in the moment. Fantasize. Focus on the pleasant sensations your body is experiencing. Rather than closing your eyes, look in your partner’s eyes, or at your bodies. Don’t let nagging or negative thoughts distract you. If you have some issues that may need to get worked out with therapy or medication, by all means go see a professional — so you can be more present during sex, which will make it more enjoyable.
Don’t date big dicks. Not the emotional kind, but the ones with actually footage in their pants. Perhaps that’s a little difficult to discover really early on in a relationship — “Hi, my name’s Mary. How big is your penis?” — but if it ever, shall we say, comes up (e.g. you can get a sense from his tight jeans, you know an ex girlfriend of his, he brags or warns you about it), then don’t go on a second date.
Stop thinking of intercourse as sex. Those two things are not the necessarily the same. Intercourse isn’t the be-all end-all of sex, despite wide reports to the contrary (gross exaggerations, if you ask us). Spend lots of time on naked grinding, massage, “titty fucks” (just please, for the love of god, don’t call it that), handwork, oral sex, sex toys, mutual masturbation, etc. In two words: reconceptualize sex. When you do get to the intercourse, make sure he realizes patience is not a virtue with you; that when it comes to the duration of penile penetration, endurance is not appreciated. As long as you’re having fun and getting off, those things can be just as good (if not better, especially in your case) than the old in-out. Instead of thinking of intercourse as the main course, think of it as the occasional side dish or dessert of an already satisfying meal.

Want to dethrone intercourse? Read:
5 Ways to Reconceptualize Sex!

10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

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photo via Pixabay

Saying “I love you” can become a form of punctuation in a long-term relationship. People say it at the end of a phone call, or on their way out the door, or as they’re falling asleep at night. And there’s nothing wrong with this. Expressing love often is a good thing! And it’s a nice way to check in with your partner each day — or multiple times a day. Except that when you say it so often, the phrase often becomes rote. How often do you say those three words, “I love you,” without stopping to think about the fact that you love this person? Most of the time, right? Again, there’s nothing wrong with this. We’re all busy. We have jobs to do, Facebook statuses to update, weeds to pull, mail to open, sex to have. If we paused to consider what it means to love someone every time we said “I love you,” we’d never have time to shop for groceries.

That all said, sometimes it’s nice to stop and actually think about how much your partner means to you. So here are ten things you can say to your partner to convey this — words that are much harder to recite without thinking about what they really mean. Especially the parts that make you blush. Just don’t use them all up in one day!

1. You’re so fucking hot.

That sneaky swear word is there to say: I’m so overwhelmed by how good-looking you are that only an f-bomb will truly convey my feelings.

2. I’m more in love with you today than I was yesterday.

We like the specificity of this. It’s not just that you love your partner more than you used to, it’s that today you actually sat down and thought about the fact that your love grew in the past twenty-four hours.

3. You just made me laugh so hard I almost pooped my pants.

Okay, maybe skip the poop mention. But you get the idea: fortunately, for long-term monogamous couples, a sense of humor doesn’t droop in the same way an aging penis or aging boobs do. Still, though, it’s easy to forget how funny your partner is. This is a reminder to take the time to make each other laugh… and to appreciate it when it happens.

4. I love your body.

When’s the last time you objectified your partner? Sure, they know you love them, but do they know you still lust after their body? Stare and ogle all you like — at some point in a relationship, this starts to feel like a compliment.

5. I hate everybody today, but you — you I can stand.

Because sometimes a muted compliment is the best compliment of all. And on some days, the best we can hope for in marriage is that we’re with someone we can stand, day in and day out.

6. I love watching you run/give a speech/play an instrument/take a photograph.

Standing back and admiring your partner is a way to increase the erotic distance between the two of you… and to remind you and your partner what it was like when you two met, and you thought each other the bee’s knees.

7. I love it when we talk, and I love it when we don’t.

Talk is cheap, but companionable silence is something you have to work for.

8. You look even better now than when I met you.

Because aging gets everyone down. Even better if you can be specific: Find something about your partner that has improved with age — a leaner face, perhaps? a more muscular torso? — and compliment them on that.

9. I love to fuck you.

Because it doesn’t always have to be missionary when it’s monogamous, and it doesn’t always have to be “making love,” either.

10. I fucking love you.

Just try saying this without meaning it. It’s impossible!

7 Ways to Keep the Magic After You Move In Together

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photo via flickr

When you move in together, what you lose in mystery you make up for in intimacy. But lack of mystery can kill romance and passion. So here are 7 steps to make sure living together doesn’t ruin good lovin’.

1. Be courteous. People often assume that manners are meant to govern the interactions of strangers and acquaintances rather than live-in lovers. Politesse gets a bad rap, as if it’s some kind of veneer that’s meant to wear away as we get to know each other. But actually, good manners are the foundation of a happy home, too. And we all know what a happy home leads to: hot, dirty sex. So say your pleases and thank yous.

2. Compliment each other. It’s all about not taking each other for granted. Remember those compliments you used to dole out when you first dated? You probably expected compliments back then, and may have barely even noticed them (plus, you just assumed the giver was trying to get into your pants). But now, in the throes of cohabitation (when the sex is on tap…one would hope), the simplest compliment gets a lot more mileage. Just try it next time you’re about to open your mouth to ask where the hell your sneakers are.

3. Live up to the compliments. Should your partner return the favor (and we reckon they will since compliments are contagious), you should strive to live up to their praise, rather than sinking into it.

4. Still spend time prepping. We’re not saying you should abandon your favorite pair of sweatpants — after all, hanging out in your comfy TV outfit is one of the prime benefits of cohabitation. But commitment is not a free pass to slobbery. Don’t stop going to the gym or surprising your partner with a home-cooked Rachael Ray dinner, just because you’re no longer competing on the free market. (more…)

10 Considerations for Adult Virgins Who Date

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photo via flickr

We often get advice questions from virgins (usually straight and female) asking how long they can make a guy wait, if it’s realistic to hold out for the right person, and whether or not there are straight non-virgin guys out there who are willing to wait. To them, we offer these 10 inquisitive ruminations on virginity for their consideration:

Go with God (if that’s your thing). Are you a virgin for religious purposes? Are you waiting until marriage to have intercourse because you believe that’s what God desires? If so, then you should probably only be dating people within your religion who share the same belief system. If you’re unsure whether someone you’re interested in subscribes to the same religion/shares the same beliefs, then you should make your beliefs known and find out theirs within the first date. No use falling in love with someone who’s eventually going to hell. If you’re a virgin just waiting for the right person, read on…
Thinking of sex as something sacred, meaningful and important definitely has its merits. Non-virgins would do well to take sex a little more seriously — at least sometimes. Getting to know someone, figuring out your emotional compatibility, and learning about their sexual history and health status are all smart steps in the progression of a mature relationship that are almost always better taken before, rather than after, sex. Less heartbreak, less risk of infections, and more emotional satisfaction. Good on you.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, so don’t be coy about your beliefs. If and when it comes up, be honest. It’s uncool to lead someone on who’s sexually attracted to you, just to get them to stick around longer than they might otherwise (in the hopes of them falling hopelessly in love with you and having no choice but to wait forever…an unlikely scenario).
Sexuality is a normal part of being human. And sex is something that is often shared by people who care about each other — in fact, sex is one of the many ways that that care can be expressed. The majority of adults enjoy sex with a partner they’re dating, especially if they’re in a serious, committed relationship. It’s one of the perks of being in that kind of relationship! So just as you expect to put off sex (perhaps indefinitely), understand — and respect — that almost all of the people you date (unless they’re conservatively religious) expect sex to happen, if not within a few dates, at the very least once you establish a committed, caring relationship together.
There’s no one right perspective. Because most people want their loving relationships to include sex, you should expect a lot of potential partners to not want to wait for you. Them not wanting to wait is not a personality flaw, just as your wanting to wait isn’t either. These are preferences — just as yours need to be respected, so do theirs.
Be realistic about your odds. Because the chances of finding an adult who’s willing to forgo sex — at least for an extended or indefinite amount of time — are much slimmer than your chances of finding someone who wants sex in any given American population (outside of Evangelical circles), you should expect more rejection than the average dater. You should probably plan on going on more dates than the average dater, too, just so you can up your chances of finding someone who will wait. Finally, because most adults are interested in sex, those willing to wait might have higher rates of sexual hangups, insecurities or disinterest — which would not bode well for a first time.
Do NOT to do anything you don’t want to do — it’s that simple. You’ll feel better if you stay true to yourself without someone than you’ll feel if you get pressured into betraying yourself WITH someone. And don’t buy any lame excuses from them about everyone else doing it, sexual frustration (i.e. blue balls/blue box), doing it for love, or doing it for your country. That said, make sure you haven’t built this one act up in your mind into an impossible ideal that can never be attained.
Sex is not just intercourse. It’s mutual attraction, arousal and often satisfaction, gained in myriad ways: kissing, heavy petting, hand work, oral, mutual masturbation, phone sex, and playing around with toys. Just because none of this is penile penetration doesn’t mean it’s not sex. If you’re engaging in any of it, with or without clothes, you are sexually active. Be sure you’re not buying into this antiquated notion that part of your worth as a person is somehow tied to your intact hymen (or, if you’re a straight guy, that’s it tied to never having poked a hymen with your dick).
Everything is relative. Expecting someone to wait 3 years when you’re 15 is fine. Expecting someone to wait 3 years when you’re 25, or worse, 35 (when childbearing limits start to come into play), is not so fine. We mean, you can certainly ask them to wait that long, but you can’t demand it.
Consider the law of diminishing returns. The longer you wait, the more expectations you’ll have, thus the greater your chances of being disappointed. The longer you wait, the less novelty your virginity will have for partners, the less (and less longer) they’ll be willing to wait. The longer you wait, the more frightening and/or overwhelming the prospect of intercourse will be, the more you’ll start to avoid it entirely, even if you do find a worthy partner. The longer you make a person wait, the more that person has sacrificed for you, the more they may start to harbor resentment for sexy time lost. The longer you wait, the older you’ll get, the less flexible, taut, pert, and wrinkle-free you’ll be. We’re not saying not to wait until you’re ready, we’re just saying that waiting is not without its own risks (just like having sex with abandon has its own risks).

Need convincing to cash in your V-Card?
“Top 10 Cons of Being a Virgin”

Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Dublin)

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photo via ABC

If you constantly have to talk about how smart/cool/deep you are to your date, then you are none of those things. As your 9th grade English teacher at Deerfield should have taught you: show, don’t tell.

PDA should have some limits. Yes, you’re out and about on an amazing date in a cool city with a person with whom you’ve got great chemistry. A stolen kiss up against an alley wall is understandable, even acceptable. But not everyone wants to be an unwitting witness to your extended game of tonsil hockey, complete with audible spit swapping (like the octogenarian at the pub who’s just trying to enjoy his whiskey in peace). Not every venue is appropriate to basically dry hump in (e.g. churches, war memorials, etc). We’re happy for you and the passion you have, but to put it simply: get a room.

Be fun. Don’t dominate the limited time you have on early dates with personal sob stories. Yes, you can have moments of real honesty and vulnerability, but make sure you balance those out with some levity and laughter. Debbie Downers get dumped.

First-date sex is fine. You both want it? Go for it. You want to do it with multiple people around the same time and they’re down? Woohoo! However, if you happen to be dating multiple people who are looking for a long-term, monogamous commitment, it is responsible of you to make clear to them that you are not going to be “exclusive,” at least not at this early juncture. Giving a person the false impression that you only have eyes (and other body parts) for them, when that’s not the case, even if it’s just a lie of omission, is not cool.

Don’t kiss and tell. It’s nobody else’s business. You’re not honoring your burgeoning love, you’re just stroking your own ego and, if you’re on “The Bachelor/ette,” engaging in psychological warfare.

Read last week’s love lessons from “The Bachelorette.”

The 10 Best Intercourse Positions for Small Penises

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photo via Pixabay

Last week we told you about 15 Ways to Make the Most of Your Small Penis in Bed. We basically covered everything except plain old intercourse, because sex involves so much more than in-out penetration. In fact, for many women, the old in-out is the least likely route to their orgasm.

That all said, intercourse can be pretty fun, too! So here are 10 positions (for male-female intercourse) that are well-suited for a smaller than average penis. More than just well-suited, actually: many of these positions feel better with a smaller than average penis. Take note, ladies!

1. Reverse Cowgirl

Any woman on top position is great, but this one is extra fun. He is on his back and she sits on top of him, facing away. He can lie down if he wants to relax and enjoy the ride. Or, if he wants to reach around to her clitoris with a hand or a toy — highly recommended — he might find it easier to sit up, leaning back against a wall or headboard. If she’s down with a little anal play, this is also a perfect opportunity to tease her with a well-lubed pinkie back there.

2. The Tight Squeeze

She lies flat on her stomach with her legs together, and he enters her from behind. She may need to part her legs slightly to let him in, but then she can squeeze them together again — or he can push her legs together with his hands. The more she squeezes her thighs and butt, the more snug this position will feel. He can either sit up, or lean forward, so long as he’s supporting himself and not crushing her with his full weight. When her legs are together like this, her labia will be stimulated, which is likely to apply pleasant pressure on the clitoris, too. Sliding a small, body-conscious, pebble-style vibrator under her body (we love the Nea by LELO) is even better — she can move her hips to grind against the toy (or her hand) at her whim. Try adding a pillow beneath her hips or belly, too, in order to arch her body toward his — both partners may find this more comfortable.

The great thing about this position is that it allows for deeper penetration and a tighter fit, taking care of both length and girth issues in one fell swoop. If you find penetration tricky starting in this position, then begin with Doggy Style (see below) and slide down into the Tight Squeeze. Switch it up: If he can angle his penis down in this position, by moving his body up higher, he may be able to stimulate her G-spot, too.

3. The Shoulder Stand

She lies on her back, supporting her weight on her shoulders and arms, and he kneels in front of her and raises her hips to his penis. She rests an ankle on each of his shoulders (or both ankles on one of his shoulders, whichever feels better). Raising her hips in a sharp angle like this allows for deeper penetration — it’s one of those positions that probably feels uncomfortable or even painful with a larger penis. Switch it up: She lies on an elevated surface, e.g. a tall bed, while he stands.

4. Doggy Style

Or doggie style, if you think the “i” makes this position seem more approachable (just please don’t dot the i with a heart!). Any rear entry position is good for more modestly sized penises, as this allows for deeper entry, and doggy style is a classic of the genre, as they say in the biz. She supports herself on her knees and either her hands or forearms. If he leans forward over her back, getting as much body contact as possible, this position can feel incredibly intimate. You can take it in turns stimulating her clitoris with a hand or toy.

If you’re looking for kinky rather than intimate, then this is an ideal position for spanking, so long as she’s down with this. A good spank can reverberate throughout her vagina, making penetration feel even more pleasant. This position can nicely transition into the “Tight Squeeze” (see above). Switch it up: She can bend over a low piece of furniture to make this position feel even dirtier — and that piece of furniture will conveniently stimulate her clitoris, too. If she bends over something higher, he can stand, which will help him thrust up, toward her G-spot. These variations may also help her spread her legs a little wider, allowing him to penetrate even more deeply.

5. Folded Missionary

Sure, rear entry and woman-on-top positions are ideal for smaller penises, but that doesn’t mean there’s no missionary in your future. You just have to know how to make it work for you. A cushion under her hips will help, as this arches her back, leading to deeper penetration. The real key to deeper penetration, though, is bending her legs back toward her head. If she’s on the less flexible end of the spectrum, then she can just pull up her knees toward her chest and he can press down on them (just not too hard — he needs to support his own weight!). If she’s more of a yoga type, she can loop her knees all the way over his shoulders, if he’s leaning close to her, or place her ankles on his shoulders, if he’s in a more upright position. And if she crosses her feet/ankles behind his head, she’ll contract her inner thigh muscles and pelvic floor muscles, which will cause her vagina to hug him tighter.

Again, this is one of those positions that is often too intense and deep with a larger penis. Note: The more a woman raises her legs like this, the farther your penis will be from her clitoris, which means you should pay it extra special attention, either with your hands or a small vibrating toy. Switch it up: She crosses her legs, pretzel-style, which rotates her hips and raises the angle. This sounds like a position meant for yogis, but it’s surprisingly achievable for mere mortals, too.

6. Never Let Me Go

This is another form of missionary that will work for you: She wraps her (straight, or slightly bent) legs around him and grips him with her entire lower body. She grinds into him, pulling him close to her, and she uses her lower body strength to control the entire thing — movement, speed, rhythm. Some people call this the Vice Grip position, but we think Never Let Me Go sounds more romantic, don’t you? Switch it up: She can put her legs underneath him and close them tightly together, squeezing her thighs/legs/kegels like she’ll never let him go from this position, either. Hopefully, that emotion is a good feeling for both of you! (If not, may we suggest a game of chess instead?)

7. The Rocking Cowgirl

He lies on his back and she sits on top of him, facing him. Except instead of bouncing up and down on his penis like he’s a kids’ hop ball, she rocks her body back and forth, going slowly enough to appreciate all the parts of her vagina his penis touches. Remember, small penises are often better at stimulating her G-spot, as this potential hot spot is located just a few inches into the vagina, on the upper wall. (We’ve even heard some women claim that they can only ejaculate with a smaller than average penis!) Switch it up: If she leans all the way forward in this position, she can rub her clitoris against his pelvis while she rocks.

8. The Coital Alignment Technique

This missionary position is about full-body contact, with a focus on the clitoris and pelvic mounds — in other words, the focus of the Coital Alignment Technique (a.k.a. C.A.T.) is not on the length or girth of his penis. For a step-by-step guide to this zen-like style of intercourse, check out our Coital Alignment Technique how-to article. Switch it up: May we suggest a round of Reverse Coital Alignment Technique, too?

9. Scissor Sister

She lies flat on her back with one leg stretched out straight and the other leg bent at the knee. He straddles her extended leg, holding onto her bent knee for leverage if necessary. In this position, he can get every inch of his penis into her vagina. Even better, this position provides maximum genital to genital contact, meaning it’s the best chance at stimulating her labia and clitoris. Remember: the more she’s stimulated externally, the less pressure there is on his penis to get the job done internally. Switch it up: She can sit up and put her arms around him for a more intimate version with extended eye contact.

10. The Spork

She lies on her side, with her top leg raised a little. He straddles her bottom leg, which will offer a unique angle of penetration — it’s the ideal way to explore potential new hot spots inside her vagina. He might find that he has to angle his body lower to insert his penis fully. Switch it up: If he angles his hips toward her butt, this may help his penis hit her G-spot (assuming she’s into G-spot stimulation — remember, not all women are!). Kink it up: If he holds her wrists behind her back (with her permission, duh), her back will naturally arch, and you’ll add a whole kinky BDSM element to the position.

Remember, though, at the end of the day: Intercourse is just one element of great sex! If you need a reminder, check out our 15 Ways to Make the Most of Your Small Penis in Bed.

Your Horoscopes in Song Lyrics: June 22nd, 2015

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) Today, it’s “Your Stars in Song Lyrics”! Bonus points if you can find a karaoke bar this week to belt out your own personal lyrics.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s raining men! Hallelujah, it’s raining men! Every specimen. Tall, blond, dark and lean, rough and tough and strong and mean. — “It’s Raining Men,” The Weather Girls

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht, your hat strategically dipped below one eye. You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte, and all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner. You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. — “You’re So Vain,” Carly Simon

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
People, let me tell U somethin’. If U didn’t come 2 party, don’t bother knockin’ on my door. I got a lion in my pocket and, baby, he’s ready 2 roar. (Yeah.) Everybody’s got a bomb, we could all die any day. (Oh.) But before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away. Oh, they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! (We’re runnin’ out of time.) So 2night I’m gonna party like it’s 1999! (We gonna, we gonna, oh!) Say it one more time: 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! — “1999,” Prince

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand. All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands and touch me. Hold me close, don’t ever let me go. More than words is all I ever needed you to show. Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me. Cos I’d already know. — “More Than Words,” Extreme

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Stay away from my window. Stay away from my back door too. Disconnect the telephone line. Relax baby and draw that blind. Kick off your shoes and sit right down. Loosen off that pretty French gown. Let me pour you a good long drink. Ooh baby, don’t you hesitate ’cause tonight’s the night. It’s gonna be alright. ‘Cause I love you girl. Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now. — “Tonight’s the Night,” Rod Stewart

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Turn your heart-ache right into joy. She’s a girl, and you’re a boy. So get it together, make it nice. You ain’t gonna need any more advice. — “Love the One You’re With,” Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Celebrate good times, come on! There’s a party goin’ on right here–a celebration to last throughout the years. So bring your good times, and your laughter too. We’re gonna celebrate your party with you. It’s time to come together. It’s up to you, what’s your pleasure? Celebrate! — “Celebration,” Kool & the Gang

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
I love myself. I want you to love me. When I’m feelin’ down, I want you above me. I search myself; I want you to find me. I forget myself; I want you to remind me. I don’t want anybody else; when I think about you, I touch myself. — “I Touch Myself,” The Divynls

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do. Oh, I’m so tired. My mind is set on you. I wonder should I call you but I know what you’d do: You’d say I’m putting you on. But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm. You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain. You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane. You know I’d give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind. — “I’m So Tired,” The Beatles

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Tell him. Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes. Reach out to him and whisper tender words so soft and sweet. Hold him close to feel his heart beat. Love will be the gift you give yourself. — “Tell Him,” Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
I want a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch. I want somebody who will spend some time, not come and go in a heated rush. I want somebody who will understand when it comes to love, I want a slow hand. — “Slow Hand,” The Pointer Sisters

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Shake your arm, then use your form. Stay on the scene like a sex machine. You got to have the feeling sure as you’re born. Get it together right on, right on. Get up, get on up. — “Sex Machine,” James Brown

I’m a Woman Who Climaxes Quickly and Easily, Is that Normal?!

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photo via Pixabay

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve never been a girl who has difficulty reaching an orgasm. I started masturbating in college and learned pretty quickly what I like and what I do. Now when I’m with a guy, I find that I get off — really quickly and really hard. With my most recent hook-up, we were fully clothed and I came screaming hard. I’ve read so much about girls not being able to get off and I’m worried that something might be wrong with me. And I’m also really worried that guys will think that I’m faking. What should I do?

— Getting Worried About Getting Off

Dear GWAGO,

Now, we try to take every question we get seriously. But come on, this is a joke, right? You can’t possibly be serious!

Okay, okay, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and trust for the moment that you’re really concerned about this. Our advice: don’t be! You have a gift — freaking enjoy it!

Yes, plenty of women have trouble reaching orgasm, especially with a partner — whether because they’re young, they don’t masturbate, their partner isn’t providing the right stimulation, they’re not communicating to their partner what the right kind of stimulation is, they have body image issues, they’re stressed or depressed, they’ve experienced sexual trauma in the past, or their plumbing is a little different. For some women — in fact, the majority of women — it can be extra difficult during intercourse since the old in-out often doesn’t provide the kind of clitoral attention they need to reach their happy place. But there are many lucky, lucky women who can reach orgasm fairly effortlessly. This is a good thing.

Now, if you were having spontaneous orgasms every hour — in the middle of an office meeting, during sad movies, while talking to your parents on the phone (there have been cases) — then that could be a problem. But you’re simply orgasming easily when you want to — during masturbation and hookups with guys you like. Again, what’s the problem here?

We think most guys will love your enthusiastic reaction to being with them. If you really fear they’ll start thinking you’re too good to be true, simply reassure them that you’re not faking (unlike some naughty girls): you just happen to know what you want and your body always cooperates wholeheartedly while your mind doesn’t let any hangups get in the way. To be nice, you could also add that you’re just so turned on by the guy in question, he makes it easy! We’re guessing 99.999% of the time they’ll take your word for it.

Now stop your fretting and go with the flow before you give yourself a hangup!

Em & Lo

11 NEW Ways to Touch Her Vagina!!!

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photo via flickr

This week, the Men’s Health’s newsletter reached an epic low in shameless click baiting with their lead article “16 New Ways to Touch Her Vagina.” We tried to imagine how new these moves could possibly be, since Men’s Health sends this kind of email out three to four times a week! Here are the fruits of our creative labors, without even having read the original article. Even though we only came up with 11 instead of 16, we think we nailed it:

Sound the alarm! Take an air horn, hold it about two to three inches from her vulva, and then blow it! The subtle vibrations will give her a new, unexpected sensation. If nothing else, the discombobulating shock of the ear-piercing noise may put her in the mood to have other things pierced as well, if you know what we mean.
Be a love baker. Think of her vulva as a soft mound of warm doughy dough. And you’re the baker: roll it, and pat it, and mark it with a B (or whatever your initial is). Let her feel how strong and capable your hands are. As you kneed her challah loaf, you’ll feel her need for you grow, and soon she’ll be craving a bite of your baguette.
The Hot Mic. We’ve all heard of humming a ditty during oral sex, but why not part the labia and just belt out a tune? Bohemian Rhapsody works well here.
Use the element of surprise to your advantage. When she’s sleeping or reading with headphones on, dress your penis up in a Scream mask or a cobra head or whatever her greatest fear is, then sneak up on her vagina, whip out your disguised junk, and yell “Roar!” She’ll be so relieved it’s just your harmless penis, her vagina will want to have sex with it right then and there.
Play annoying little brother. Remember when you were a kid, how your sibling would flick your earlobe over and over while you were trying to play on your Playstation? Do the same thing to her, except instead of her ear, flick her mons pubis. The unexpected repetitive sensation will build up erotic tension in her downtown area. Either that, or she’ll probably have sex with you just to get you to cut it out.
Touch her with a ten foot pole. Literally! Show her you find her so desirable, you’ll to touch her with anything: your hands, your mouth, even a ten foot pole! WARNING: this is for external use only. You may find padding her end of the stick with a hand towel helpful, since wielding a ten foot pole delicately is harder than it looks.
Tickle her with your toes. Fingers and tongues are overrated. The newest trend in vagina-touching involves your tootsies! She won’t be able to resist those cute little nubbins of yours trying — and failing — to dexterously deliver desire to her downtown. Don’t forget to play “This Little Piggy” on her clitoris. And remember, toes will make any penis seem huge by comparison!
Reiki her world. Take a tip from the ancient Japanese art of hands-off healing to get her off. Massage the energy field around her vagina by placing both of your palms over, but not directly on, her genital area. Think pulsating, sexy thoughts. Within seconds she’s guaranteed to have the most explosive orgasm of her life!
Baby, it’s cold outside. Different textures can provide different sensations.So don a pair of gloves the next time you want to go diddling: leather driving gloves, fuzzy winter mittens, latex gloves, gardening gloves, even the sequined number from the zombie Michael Jackson costume you wore to that bad taste party. Keep your socks (or rain boots, or galoshes…) on to complete the look.
The Gameboy : There’s a famous “secret” cheat code to get unlimited lives on Nintendo: up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A, START. What the gamers didn’t tell you is that there’s a similar secret “unlock” code to unlock unlimited orgasms. That’s all we’re saying.
Play puppet master. Have her tie a necktie around your wrists (one around each). Make sure she ties them very tightly, so as to cut off circulation completely. Then, once your hands have gone numb, have her pull the tie ends up and down so your limp hands touch her in a way she finds pleasing. Call it marionette masturbation! Possible risks to you include wrist bruising, nerve damage, and amputation. But it’ll be so worth it!

8 Steps to Convincing Your Straight Boyfriend to Let You Peg Him

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photo via flickr

Approaching anal sex for the first time — whether you’re the giver or the receiver, whether you’re straight or gay — is not something to wing or take lightly. Not only is it a psychologically loaded act, but it’s one of the few sexual acts that can be done “wrong.” The anus is not self-lubricating (unlike vaginas and mouths) and anal tissue is delicate. You’ve got to educate yourselves about anatomy, prep and technique — especially if you’re trying to convince a reluctant partner to share their precious starfish with you…especially especially if that partner is a straight guy. This list is a good place to start — follow the links below for further enlightenment:

Be the honey, not the vinegar. Rather than pressuring him into this, or threatening to withhold his favorite sexual treats until he acquiesces, or shaming him about not being experimental or adventurous or brave enough, try to sweet talk him into it instead. Explain to him how this is your ultimate fantasy, how much this would turn you on, how much closer you think it’ll bring you two together for him to be so vulnerable with and trusting of you. If you sense he’s worried about being emasculated, then ixnay on how you just want to pummel that sweet little ass of his. If you think he’s worried about seeming gay, make sure he knows that there’s nothing sexier for you than a guy who’s secure enough in his masculinity to say screw you! to old fashioned attitudes about sex and gender. And assure him that this won’t make you think any less of him — just the opposite, in fact. Finally, explain to him that you love him so much, you’d love to get as close to seeing from his sexual perspective as possible: if fucking me is so great, why wouldn’t fucking you be amazing, too?
Appeal to his inner scientist. Male anatomy is male anatomy, whether he’s gay or straight. All men have a prostate gland that can be massaged for not only its health, but its pleasure, as well! There’s a reason the prostate, a.k.a. the P-spot, is called the “male G-spot.” When stimulated through the top, belly-side wall of the rectum with a finger, a butt plug or a (strap-on) dildo pressing a few inches inside toward the navel or the back of the pubic bone, the happy prostate can make climax even more intense! Who wouldn’t want to at least try that once?
Allay his fears about cleanliness. If he’s worried about hygiene, tell him you two can plan for any time you want to experiment — no heavy meals 24 hours beforehand, lots of water, little to zero coffee (a diuretic), and some added fiber (psyllium husk powder in orange juice is a miracle worker). And you won’t start playing until he’s “dropped the kids off at the pool” and had a shower, including his butthole getting up close and personal with his own soapy finger. You can even use medical gloves for any finger probing, which may help facilitate a smoother entry — but then again, may just make him feel like he’s at the doctor’s office. Give him the option, but don’t push it.
If you want to dish it, you’ve got to take. A.k.a. what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, or in this case, vice versa. If you think he should be willing to try anal sex as the recipient, then you have to be willing to try it out, too. This is another good opportunity to prove that all anuses, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, are surrounded by enervated tissue and muscle that feels good when it’s stimulated correctly by someone they’re attracted to.
Promise to start small. You can’t just get a big ol’ strap-on set and go to town. As with all kind of anal play, the giver and recipient have to start out with the basics and gradually work up to more advanced moves. Make sure he realizes you aren’t planning on going in like gangbusters — that, instead, you see this sexual adventure involving taking baby steps along a hershey highway of pleasure that he can take an exit ramp from at any time. First, you’ll try out some external massage with lubricant; if that feels good, you can try the slightest insertion with a well-trimmed, lubed-up pinkie, reminding him to breath and relax (because a clenched butt is no one’s friend here). If all is going well, upgrade to an index finger. Still okay? Then keep inserting slowly and gently, aiming toward his belly button, until you can feel his prostate and start to gently stroke it in a come hither gesture. Save experimentation with small, then bigger, butt plugs, for their own dedicated sexual sessions, until he’s ready for a strap-on.
Let him pick out the sex toys. You’ve got to let him have some say in this fantasy. Together, pick out a progression of sex toys — perhaps an entry-level (ha!) butt plug, then a prostate massager, then a small dildo and a harness, and finally — if he gets into it — his own size equivalent (just not realistically veined if that’s too weird for him!). Perhaps you’ll find something you both like that vibrates a bit to heighten sensation even further, for both of you! You can vote for a double dildo, to be used with or without a harness, so you can actually get some internal stimulation during your backdoor play.
Guarantee him lots of foreplay and simultaneous stimulation. You cannot whip out a new buttplug, have him bend over, insert it, and then expect him to explode in orgasm (like this contributor of ours tried). For many (if not most, at least straight) men, they will not climax from anal play alone. They need some attention given to their penises. In many cases, the anal play just enhances the male orgasm that’s achieved through more traditional methods (handwork or oral). So make sure he knows there’s going to be lots of foreplay before and lots of simultaneous attention paid to his member. His penis will never feel left out!
Give him some quick, inspirational reading. Have him check out this site for all the posts on strap-on love. We’ve had many thoughtful commenters and contributors sing the praises of anal attention within a straight, loving couple.

Why Online Dating Is Much Rougher on Men Than Women

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photo by Ryan McGuire

MVP reader Johnny said the following in response to our post, “New App: Online Dating Protection” (he was responding in particular to a concern we voiced that, rather than protect women, this app would just make it harder for jerk guys to disappear):

Ahem. I have to disagree with your math on who’s going to use this app to jerkiest effect.

Most men will strike out most times when it comes to internet dating. Let’s say – since we lack actual figures – that half of the minority of men men who do get laid from internet dates are interested in more. Let’s also give the average guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that half of all disinterested guys will be respectful enough to end things properly.

That’s a fairly small minority of guys using this app to give women the slip.

… whereas every one of those most-of-the-time strike-out dates gives a woman the opportunity to pull the same. Unfortunately flaking has become the modern woman’s de facto mode of rejection these days. And most of the guys who get flaked on won’t be stalkers – they’ll just be regular guys who she doesn’t have the basic courtesy to reject.

Come on. There’s NO WAY churlish players are going to outnumber no-manners women here.

Phrased better: the percentage of internet dates that end in a lay is very low compared to the percentage of internet dates that end in rejection; online dating is a woman’s game, so most of the time a woman is doing the rejecting. Even if churlish vs. honorable personal character is evenly dispersed between genders, women will have far greater opportunity to take the easy-yet-scummy way out of an uncomfortable situation.

Toys You'll Love

1. Like a Good Chef, Prep Ahead of Time

2. Get Used to the Idea on Your Own

3. No “Oopsing”!

4. Don’t Be Drunk

5. Use Manmade Lube

6. Start Slow

7. Get the Angle Right

8. Any Toys Must Have a Flared Base

9. The Receiver Sets the Pace

10. Consider the Missionary Position

11. Don’t Go from Back to Front

12. If It Hurts or Bleeds, Stop!!!

13. Wrap It Up

14. No Fast Exits!

15. Cuddle

Interested in a Butt Plug? The Top 5 Rules of Engagement for Backdoor Toys

1. Lie About His Penis, But Tell Small, Believable Lies

2. Talk About What His Penis Does For You

3. Tell Him He’s Great in Bed

4. Suggest a 69

5. Tell Him Exactly What Makes You Orgasm

6. Consider Anal Sex

7. Talk Dirty

8. Buy Him a Vibrating Cock Ring

9. Initiate Sex

10. Love His Penis

Rocking a below-average peen? Read: “15 Ways to Make the Most of a Small Penis”

Want to dethrone intercourse? Read: 5 Ways to Reconceptualize Sex!

1. You’re so fucking hot.

2. I’m more in love with you today than I was yesterday.

3. You just made me laugh so hard I almost pooped my pants.

4. I love your body.

5. I hate everybody today, but you — you I can stand.

6. I love watching you run/give a speech/play an instrument/take a photograph.

7. I love it when we talk, and I love it when we don’t.

8. You look even better now than when I met you.

9. I love to fuck you.

10. I fucking love you.

Need convincing to cash in your V-Card? “Top 10 Cons of Being a Virgin”

1. Reverse Cowgirl

2. The Tight Squeeze

3. The Shoulder Stand

4. Doggy Style

5. Folded Missionary

6. Never Let Me Go

7. The Rocking Cowgirl

8. The Coital Alignment Technique

9. Scissor Sister

10. The Spork

Interested in a Butt Plug?
The Top 5 Rules of Engagement for Backdoor Toys

Rocking a below-average peen? Read:
“15 Ways to Make the Most
of a Small Penis”

Want to dethrone intercourse? Read:
5 Ways to Reconceptualize Sex!

Need convincing to cash in your V-Card?
“Top 10 Cons of Being a Virgin”