All posts by Em & Lo

Poet John Donne’s Hard Sell of Sex

Update the language, and John Donne’s “To His Mistress Going to Bed” could be an R&B sex song on the radio today. All about trying to get his lady buck nekkid, this late 16th/early 17th-century British elegy employs hilarious metaphors and euphemisms for body parts and bodily functions (e.g. his soldier is tired of standing, aw yeah). Elegy XIX can be interpreted many different ways: one reading gives you a lecherous, older man using his patriarchal power to pressure a young virgin to have sex with him; another gives you a pathetic guy so desperate to have sex he gets totally naked while she’s still fully dressed; yet another gives you a narrator who’s an Elizabethan hippy trying to even the playing field gender-wise and extolling the lofty idea that erotic love and spiritual love are two sides of the same coin. Whatever your take, you can’t deny that it’s one of the best poems ever written about the power of desire.

Elegy XIX: To His Mistress Going to Bed
by John Donne

Come, Madam, come, all rest my powers defy,

Until I labour, I in labour lie.

The foe oft-times having the foe in sight,

Is tir’d with standing though he never fight.

Off with that girdle, like heaven’s Zone glistering,

But a far fairer world encompassing.

Unpin that spangled breastplate which you wear,

That th’eyes of busy fools may be stopped there.

Unlace yourself, for that harmonious chime,

Tells me from you, that now it is bed time.

Off with that happy busk, which I envy,

That still can be, and still can stand so nigh.

Your gown going off, such beauteous state reveals,

As when from flowery meads th’hill’s shadow steals.

Off with that wiry Coronet and shew

The hairy Diadem which on you doth grow:

Now off with those shoes, and then safely tread

In this love’s hallow’d temple, this soft bed.

In such white robes, heaven’s Angels used to be

Received by men; Thou Angel bringst with thee

A heaven like Mahomet’s Paradise; and though

Ill spirits walk in white, we easily know,

By this these Angels from an evil sprite,

Those set our hairs, but these our flesh upright.

Licence my roving hands, and let them go,

Before, behind, between, above, below.

O my America! my new-found-land,

My kingdom, safeliest when with one man mann’d,

My Mine of precious stones, My Empirie,

How blest am I in this discovering thee!

To enter in these bonds, is to be free;

Then where my hand is set, my seal shall be.

Full nakedness! All joys are due to thee,

As souls unbodied, bodies uncloth’d must be,

To taste whole joys. Gems which you women use

Are like Atlanta’s balls, cast in men’s views,

That when a fool’s eye lighteth on a Gem,

His earthly soul may covet theirs, not them.

Like pictures, or like books’ gay coverings made

For lay-men, are all women thus array’d;

Themselves are mystic books, which only we

(Whom their imputed grace will dignify)

Must see reveal’d. Then since that I may know;

As liberally, as to a Midwife, shew

Thy self: cast all, yea, this white linen hence,

There is no penance due to innocence.

To teach thee, I am naked first; why then

What needst thou have more covering than a man.

Want more hard sells from the 17th C?
A Poem About Love Being Nothing Without Sex

Say YES to Girl Scout Cookies (& Planned Parenthood)

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With Girl Scout season upon us, the below meme has been making the rounds again:

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It was originally created two years ago by ALL.org, or American Life League, which according to its website is the largest grassroots Catholic pro-life education organization in the United States. This year, Pro-Life Waco has re-launched the campaign with Cookiecott 2016. Here’s their explanation for the boycott:

The national organization—GSUSA—maintains memberships, alongside abortion providers, in pro-abortion organizations; and confirms that its local councils and troops may collaborate with Planned Parenthood. Additionally, GSUSA honors Congresswomen Nancy Pelosi, Sheila Jackson Lee, and Barbara Lee, all ardent advocates of abortion who even support partial birth abortion.

The international organization—World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts (WAGGGS)—which is funded by GSUSA, demands “non-judgmental sexual and reproductive-health information and services to all,” in its campaign The World We Want For Girls 2015.

To us, these all sound like excellent reasons to support the Girl Scouts! So we’ve responded with our own campaign: #CookieRush

Now here’s something you don’t see every day:
Pro Life But Also Pro Sex-Ed & Birth Control

Is Rape Natural?

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photo via lipstiq.com

Sometimes a reader comment demands more than just a “thumbs down” or a two-sentence rebuttal. Sometimes it warrants its own full-length post. J Male’s recent response to “Why Women Have Ravishment and Rape Fantasies” was one such comment. Our reply is below his:

“Rape fantasies were a way [for women] to avoid taking blame for their sexual desires” — …there’s a simpler [explanation for why women have rape fantasies] established by natural common sense rather than research:

Males were created physically stronger than females. Males were created with greater sexual volition than females. The former is like the dominant rat while the later is like the attractive hole. Presuming they’re pieces of the life puzzle, how should they fit? Do the math… The fact is – during the earlier evolution of man, there was nothing like dating, introductions, ‘getting to know someone’ and so on. At that time human language was minimal while their senses were very strong. The strange male simply read the signs of heat on the strange female, ‘took’ her, then she would submit and naturally adapt to being with him while he made it a life duty to protect and care for her. It was that simple. Though thousands of years of evolution and civilization has eroded much of that reality from our societies, we still have those instincts “A man is an animal”…

Therefore, while I’m here having the same ravish fantasies to grope a woman, suck her breast and eventually fock her while enjoying / ignoring her subtle female resistance, a woman is out there hoping someone like me to do the exact same thing to her. So why are we not getting on with it? Why are we not exploring and enjoying these very natural desires? Read on…

1. The lack of volition by the female, as I mentioned; due to her inability to control / predict the outcome especially with the ‘perfect male stranger’. This is mostly caused by thoughts of the violent elements that have come to be associated with this, and / or her uncertainty that this experience could remain a secret.

2. “Political correctness” advocated by Feminists (lesbian butches and their wussy male supporters). They even have a legal term for it “rape” which scares everyone even more…

Luckily I found an online project that helps us all explore these desires. With so many thousands of members it lets us understand that this desire is not nearly as weird as people deem it to be. They’re absolutely natural and they can be explored secretly and safely. In fact, as instinctive as it is, every human should experience this at least once in a life time, because it helps with self-discovery and better understanding one’s sexuality. I hope this helps.

— J Male

Dear J.M.,

Nope, not helpful. Here’s why:

First, your jumping off point — the quote about the assumption that women had rape fantasies in order not to seem slutty for having their own sexual desires — represents an outdated theory that doesn’t apply to the modern woman. The new research found that the more likely a woman was to have fantasies about being ravished, the more likely she was not only to be confidently sex positive but also to have fantasies about ravishing a man. You can’t have your cake and eat it too: considering your “common sense,” if women have fantasies about being raped because they’re built by nature to be raped, then why would they have have fantasies about raping men if they’re not equipped to rape?

You’re using tired pop evolutionary psychology to justify criminal tendencies (and evo psych can be used, quite creatively, to explain or justify just about anything, e.g. Why do girls like pink? Because they were berry pickers! Never mind the fact that in the early 20th century pink was considered a boy color). Yes, let’s wax nostalgic for a time when early humans and their ancestors were significantly LESS intelligent, altruistic, cooperative, and empathic; when their “language” was feces-throwing and violence; when they often died prematurely literally from stupidity.

We humans have evolved quite quickly and drastically over hundreds of thousands of years, intellectually and socially, to understand that acting on every base urge is not ethical, moral, smart or even simply tenable. Just because you may have an impulse — and having it automatically allows it to be termed “natural” — doesn’t make it right. (And here, we can’t help but imagine you singing, a la George Michael, “Rape is natural, rape is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should!”)

Let’s replace rape here with murder — you may have urges to kill people who disagree with you or annoy you or threaten you in some way, but it would be ludicrous for you to say that these are all natural inclinations left over from our early hominid origins that should be encouraged and explored, because “natural.” “Hey, let’s hope everyone gets to experience the natural animalistic act of killing someone with their bare hands — which is their birthright — at least once in their lifetime!”

Calling all feminists “butch lesbians” — as if that’s an insult — shows that you have no understanding of the vast diversity in the feminist movement. There are plenty of straight feminist women who love to be spanked, have their hair pulled, and get consensually roughed up during sex. Not one of them wants to actually be raped. Feminist men are not wusses (again, with the poop-throwing!) — they are humans with balls (we’re guessing bigger than yours) who understand that Paleolithic mentalities have no place in 21st century relations, thanks to evolution.

Not wanting to be raped is not “political correctness”, it’s the reality of all women: we want bodily integrity, freedom from violence, and the right to have whatever sexual fantasies we desire. The emphasis here is on fantasy, a controlled imaginary experience in one’s head or else a negotiated role-play scene done consensually with agreed upon limits. It’s the opposite of real-life rape, which is unwanted, coerced, not pleasurable and often violent. And hey, if you want to fantasize about raping every woman you see, that’s your prerogative — but to so flagrantly blur the line between fantasy and reality and to suggest that you and other men should act on these fantasies is dangerous and irresponsible. It contributes to the rape culture that blames and shames victims, promotes myths like “there’s no such thing as marital rape,” and feeds the sexism that keeps domestic violence and sexual assault at epidemic proportions. It’s how you get six men all beating and gang-raping a 23-year-old intern to death.

If you want to negotiate a relationship with a willing participant who likes you to take charge and be dominant sexually, goodie for you — but don’t tell the rest of us that deep down we all want to be sexually assaulted against our will but just don’t realize it because wanting pay equity somehow clouds our judgment.

Not yours,

Em & Lo

P.S. We do, however, approve of the term “fock.”

Read the post that started it all:
Why Women Have Rape/Ravishment Fantasies

10 Clues You’re Dating a Keeper

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photo via flickr

Here are a few questions to ask yourself about the person you’re dating before offering them a permanent position. Three strikes is forgivable (otherwise neither of us would pass our own test), four is a bit sketchy, and as for five or more…don’t make us say “we told you so.”

1. Are you the center of their universe? It might feel nice to be worshipped for a while, especially if you’ve been dumped recently, but that’ll get old fast—particularly when they call four times in the middle of your favorite TV show/sports game. Basically, a partner with their own life is more likely to respect yours.

2. How do they treat waitstaff? More importantly, how do they treat the bussers? Are they polite and patient, even if a brand new employee accidentally nudges their elbow when clearing? Do they say please and thank you? Would they be horrified if you referred to the staff as “the help”? If the answers to all the above are “yes,” then they’re a keeper, for if they’re kind to strangers, especially ones most people barely notice, just imagine how nice they’ll be to you.

3. Do they call their mom more than they call you? There’s nothing wrong with familial love; in fact, a close relationship with the ‘rents is a sign of stability (look ma, no baggage!). However, unless their mom is in the hospital or recently widowed, a grown woman or man shouldn’t need to check in multiple times a day with “Mommy.” If those apron strings aren’t cut, you’re bound to get tangled in them.

4. Do they constantly bitch about their co-workers? If so, all that criticizing might just be a cover for being hopeless at their job, as well as an excuse for not getting off their ass and improving their situation. The person you’re dating doesn’t have to be in their dream job, but they should at least have a plan for getting there.

5. Do they turn their cell phone off during a date? This is the modern equivalent of him opening her car door and her unlocking the driver’s side door from the inside after he’s opened the passenger side for her. If they’re fiddling with their phone at the movie theater — its light blinding, its vibrations humming — they obviously don’t care about the comfort of others around them, including yours. And if they answer their phone or respond to a text while you’re actually sitting at the dinner table in mid-convo? Call us old fashioned, but that’s grounds for walking right out.

6. Do they agree with everything you say? Yawn. You want someone with an opinion. Not someone who plays devil’s advocate around the clock, but someone who will hear out your position and defend theirs when they feel strongly about it. Studies have found that couples who have heated spats but are able to make up have a better future in the sack than best-friend couples who never fight. So let the sparks fly!

7. Can they go with the flow? So let’s say you’ve got an opinionated partner with great date ideas who’s planned the perfect evening out, with fun-filled activities scheduled every fifteen minutes. But then it rains right when you’re supposed to picnic on the upper deck of a sunset harbor cruise. Is the black cloud above mirrored in your partner’s expression? Freaking out when the date they planned doesn’t go exactly to schedule does not bode well for how they’ll deal with real crises.

8. Are your zodiac signs compatible? That’s a trick question. Who cares whether your signs are compatible? All that matters is whether you two make a great pair, star signs be damned. If they put any serious stock in heavenly bodies, chances are they’re a terrible decision maker who can’t take responsibility for their own actions.

9. Do you have a sneaking suspicion that your partner may be brighter than you? That’s a good thing. The best relationships exist between two partners who each think the other is a bit smarter.

10. Are they too good to be true? Then they probably are. Anybody can read a self-help book on how to snag a partner — and if you’ve looked at bestseller lists over the past few years, you know plenty of them have. Everyone has a few flaws, and a sincere, honest person will admit to theirs when they feel comfortable with you. A faker will seem flawless. Beware the perfect partner, because nobody’s perfect.

Should looks determine a “keeper”?
Don’t Be a Beauty Fascist When It Comes to Dating!

Allen Ginsberg’s Date with Walt Whitman at the Grocery Store

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Allen Ginsberg wrote “A Supermarket in California” in his 1956 masterpiece, Howl and Other Poems, in honor of the centennial anniversary of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Its focus is on modern American consumerism, but there’s an undercurrent of “counter-culture” sexuality throughout: Ginsberg (the narrator of the poem), Whitman (the focus), and 1930s poet García Lorca (the side character) were all gay. Not easy in the mid-20th century, let alone the 19th century.

A Supermarket in California
by Allen Ginsberg

    What thoughts I have of you tonight, Walt Whitman, for I walked down the sidestreets under the trees with a headache self-conscious looking at the full moon.
    In my hungry fatigue, and shopping for images, I went into the neon fruit supermarket, dreaming of your enumerations!
    What peaches and what penumbras! Whole families shopping at night! Aisles full of husbands! Wives in the avocados, babies in the tomatoes!–and you, García Lorca, what were you doing down by the watermelons?

    I saw you, Walt Whitman, childless, lonely old grubber, poking among the meats in the refrigerator and eyeing the grocery boys.
    I heard you asking questions of each: Who killed the pork chops? What price bananas? Are you my Angel?
    I wandered in and out of the brilliant stacks of cans following you, and followed in my imagination by the store detective.
    We strode down the open corridors together in our solitary fancy tasting artichokes, possessing every frozen delicacy, and never passing the cashier.

    Where are we going, Walt Whitman? The doors close in a hour. Which way does your beard point tonight?
    (I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in the supermarket and feel absurd.)
    Will we walk all night through solitary streets? The trees add shade to shade, lights out in the houses, we’ll both be lonely.
    Will we stroll dreaming of the lost America of love past blue automobiles in driveways, home to our silent cottage?
    Ah, dear father, graybeard, lonely old courage-teacher, what America did you have when Charon quit poling his ferry and you got out on a smoking bank and stood watching the boat disappear on the black waters of Lethe?

Want some sexy Walt Whitman?
His Poem That Praises Women Who Love Sex As Openy As Men Do

10 Tips for Hosting a Sexy Sleepover

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photo via flickr

If you’re planning on having a new guest over to “look at your etchings” for the first time, follow these 10 rules to ensure there’s a next time:

Only invite a guest over when you won’t have to rush out the door the next morning.
Warn any roommates that you will be entertaining that evening.
Remove all dirty laundry & dishes, any evidence of prior partners, and anything age-inappropriate (like dolls or teddy bears) from your bedroom and hide them. In fact, we’d recommend selling all but your most favorite cuddly toy on eBay.
Turn off your phone — especially if you expect your recent ex to call at 4am asking to be taken back for the 25th time. And don’t obsessively check it like a 13-year-old.
Take a tip from Hollywood movies and use dramatic, flattering lighting wherever you think you might end up doing it. Kill all fluorescents and any overhead lamps that have harsh, bright bulbs. Instead, use low-wattage bulbs in lamps tucked away in corners. Install dimmer switches for adjustable brightness. And light a few candles (no more than three, though—let’s not overdo it).
Have an extra toothbrush on hand, still in its packaging, and a fresh towel for them to use.
Have a sexy playlist ready to go, making sure that what you think is sexy isn’t too too overplayed and cheesy (anything by Marvin Gaye or Al Green).
If you have a beloved pet who usually bunks with you, don’t assume your partner is an animal lover, too. They want to sleep with you, not Fluffy and Muffin. And letting your pets watch the two of you do it may creep them out. Banish all wildlife from your bedroom until you’re sure an ill-timed bark won’t kill the mood.
In your bedside drawer, have ready a) quality condoms, b) a box of tissues for quick clean up, and c) a good brand of personal lubricant. The lube will make a nice addition to any handwork you two engage in, and will help you go long for any marathon sessions. The smaller the container the better, to help keep their insecure thoughts about previous partners at bay. Individual packets are ideal.
Cook them breakfast in the morning if it’s the weekend; toast and coffee will do if it’s a work day.

Here’s how to be ready for a sleepover anytime:
7 Must-Have Handbag Items for Spontaneous Casual Sex

5 Fixes for Saying the Wrong Name in Bed

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photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I like this man so much. But I called him my ex’s name when he was going down on me and I wasn’t even thinking of my ex or anything! I was with my ex for 2 years and this guy 3 months. I’m done with my ex but the new guy is mad. It’s been a couple of days, but I notice things are different now. I’m scared he will leave.

— Shoe Eater

Dear SE,

We feel your pain. And so do a lot of other people! It’s a common mistake many people make with new partners, especially if they’re coming off a long-term relationship. Here are 5 fixes for this kind of fuck-up, some of which are inspired by our own readers’ responses to previous advice questions on this exact topic:

1. Put yourself in their shoes. As one reader of ours, Diz, asked, How would you like it if they called you by their ex’s name while you were doing it? It would suck! So sympathize with them, validate their feelings, and understand their need to distance themselves a bit. Don’t get defensive or be dismissive of their hurt.

2. Emphasize the meaninglessness. Reassure your partner that this was simply a case of misfired synapses, not a Freudian slip. (You can mention that Freud was a creative crackpot whose theories have mostly been debunked.) You were in the moment, you weren’t thinking clearly (you weren’t really thinking at all!), and it just popped out like an old habit or muscle memory. Press upon them that there is no hidden meaning here, you weren’t thinking about your ex, you’re not still hung up on your ex, you weren’t comparing your current partner to your ex — it was just a stupid brain fart.

3. Keep it light. While you should apologize, reader Evan suggests you don’t need to act like you got caught cheating or took away their ice cream cone. It was a silly mistake! If your partner has a decent sense of humor, then making a joke out of it is usually a good way to go. Another commenter of ours, Marty, did just that: “Realizing what had just happened, I started rattling off other girls’ names, with each one getting a punch in my shoulder [from my girlfriend]. Then she grabbed a pillow and started in [on me] by name 30. [Finally, she] giggled and started laughing. I survived and was in better standing than ever before.”

4. Stroke their ego. Convince your partner that you are totally into them and only them. Make it clear that they are better than your ex in every way. Be present and mindful in your relationship from here on out. And don’t just do this in the moment — in fact, as reader Hannah suggests, you may want to hold off until you’re out of the bedroom to avoid appearing like you’re protesting too much — fluff them up throughout the entirety of your relationship (good advice whether you’ve blurted out someone else’s name or not).

5. Implement a No-Name Policy. If you really don’t trust yourself to use the right name in the heat of the moment, at least with a new partner, then make a habit of not employing proper names; instead, use generic nicknames like “Baby.” As commenter Epiphany told us, “‘Oh God’ seems to work just fine.”

What if you really WERE thinking of your ex?
Having Secret Fantasies Is Natural & Normal

How to Negotiate a Night of Casual Sex

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photo via flickr

It’s called a “prenook” — and if you’re interested in casual sex, you should get one.

We have nothing against casual sex so long as everyone is being safe and the casual nature of the sex is completely mutual. And “mutual” is where things get tricky. May we introduce you to the concept of a prenook? This is the casual-sex equivalent of the prenup. The pre-nook is more about honest communication than the literal presence of a fifteen-page signed document—it verbally outlines both party’s intentions and expectations. If you have absolutely zero interest in seeing someone again, it would be wrong to lure them home with promises (even implicit promises) of a beautiful relationship. And if you think your booty call partner is just hanging in there in the hope of converting you into a boyfriend or girlfriend, you must retire that booty call number ASAP.

There is no one-size-fits-all pronouncement that secures a prenook—after all, “Let’s have a one-night stand” or “Let’s explore every inch of each other’s bodies and then pretend we don’t know each other in the morning” or “Is it okay if I never call/text you again?” will kill the mood for most people. That said, any of these lines—as with cheesy pick-up lines—might work if spoken with the right dose of humor.

A prenook is kind of like porn: You know it when you see it. Be honest, ladies and gentlemen: Usually you can tell when someone is falling hard for you. These people have most definitely not “signed” your prenook. (If they’re a really good liar and manage to convince you otherwise, the heartbreak is on them.) But if you screw up and “accidentally” (riiiight) go home with someone who wants to go for a long walk in the park the next morning, do not lie to make a quick escape. Do not say you will call/text unless you plan on it. Tell them you had an awesome time and that maybe you’ll see them around. Feel free to high-five if the moment feels right.

By the way, in certain sexed-up circumstances (say, spring break in Cancun, or a swingers’ convention in Tampa), the prenook goes without saying. At times like these, the implicit promise is that you will get laid, and you will get laid tonight. Therefore, a spring break prenook operates in reverse: a) You must fess up before getting to the bedroom if you suffer from erectile dysfunction, and b) you should provide a heads-up if all you’re in for is a kiss and a cuddle (though it goes without saying that anyone can change their minds as to how far they are willing to go at any point—we’re talking to you, date rapers). The reverse prenook allows the recipient to look for their jollies elsewhere, should they so desire.

The prenook is the first step. Here are:
10 More Steps to Getting Casual Sex Right

Astrological New Year’s Resolutions 2016

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Self-deception is highly likely this week. Question your — and your partner’s — motives. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a love triangle. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars can be so high and mighty — but that’s because they’re so far away. They see the big picture, they see what’s important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). Your New Year’s resolution: Be deeper than a kiddie pool.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Did you ever play Frogger on Atari when you were a wee thing? On one of the levels, you had to jump from moving lily pad to moving lily pad as quickly as possible without biting it big-time before you reached the next level. This week, you’re the frog, and every lily pad is a person you’ll meet. The only difference is . . . okay, one of the many differences is that should you land on a comfy lily pad you like, take your coat off, stay a while, and use a condom. Your New Year’s resolution: don’t waste your life playing video games.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
According to the stars you need to get up, get moving, and stay moving to find and keep your soulmate. Your New Year’s resolution: Make like Olivia Newton John and get a little exercise. Spandex optional. The stars aren’t entirely clear why this is a particularly good week (or year) for you to work out; we’re guessing it’s cliche new year advice. But hey, rock-hard abs are rock-hard abs.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When we look at your week, Virgo, one phrase comes to mind: “Charming the pants off.” ‘Tis the season for you to be getting boo-tay! And it’s not just ’cause everyone’s too hungover from the holidays to care who they get lucky with, we swear. You’re sparkling like your jacket is still lined with holiday lights, and everyone’s going to be lining up to sit on your knee and whisper in your ear what they really want but didn’t get this holidays season. Turns out Santa didn’t put out this year — you can make up for that now in January. Your New Year’s resolution: Let it all flow — the booze, the compliments, the sweet talking. Just let it flow. And carry condoms everywhere.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be very popular this week — we’re talking Adele popular, the new iPhone popular, even the BB-8 Droid from Star Wars popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every party you’re invited to in 2016, as well as the ones you wish you were invited to. Your New Year’s resolution: Party like it’s 1999!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Woah. Buzz kill. This week, the stars advise you to consider friendship before becoming an item; apparently if you rush to a relationship, that special someone might be disappointed in you. That’s either a dis on your bedside manner, your hygiene habits, or your secret lasagna recipe that your friends always swore they loved. Whatever it is, best not to take the risk. Your New Year’s resolution: Bide your time before getting nekkid, sharing a toothbrush, or inviting them over for a candlelit dinner. And that story you love to tell about the time your toe-hairs got tangled? Can it.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your daisy-petal-picking technique for making important romantic decisions is getting old fast. Your wishy-washy behavior will turn the person you’ve been hanging out with running in the other direction. Your New Year’s resolution: Grow a spine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll have more energy than a brand new puppy waiting for its walk. And you know how some people are dog people and others would rather piss on a fire hydrant in public than show a canine a little love? Well, the same goes for you: Your crotch-sniffing, drippy tongue act will be a little much for all the wrong people. But there’s one special person out there who’s going to just love it, and it’s gonna be just like that spaghetti scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Ain’t puppy love grand? Your New Year’s resolution: If you sense a kindred spirit in the room, go straight for the crotch. And stay off the furniture.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with “B” — yes, we’re that old.) Anyway, we’re talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. “Cut’s Like a Knife,” that’s it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the chick in the video. But you don’t have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there’s any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. Your New Year’s resolution: Wait at least fifteen minutes after eating before you go swimming.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s the curse of the shy person: People mistake your vibe for cool aloofness. Indifference may appeal to some people, like the ones who never got over being rejected by the “cool crowd” in high school and are constantly trying to rewrite their past. But most people with the basic insecurities will just think you’re not being nice to them because they’ve done something wrong or you don’t like them. Your New Year’s resolution: Make every effort to come out of that shell and prove to people you’re not a cold-hearted snake, but a warm, outgoing person with just a bit of a librarian streak.

Happy New Year!

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photo via Pixabay

May 2016 be full of body confidence, epic makeout sessions, new sexual experiences, and much love. We’re back next week with more great romantic advice — until then, check out our New Year’s Issue for some realistic resolution ideas.

Your Weekly Horoscopes: December 28th, 2015

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photo via Pixaby

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex in 2016 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would I be just as happy with a game of chess?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Remember that Paul Newman quote about infidelity: “Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?” We give the sentiment two thumbs up (yay monogamy!), but the analogy is a little weak. Sometimes you do just want a hamburger, right? Even when you’ve got steak at home. You’re thinking ketchup, onions, tomato, swiss cheese, bacon, mushrooms, special sauce — the works. Especially this week. And right now, no one’s making you choose between hamburger, steak, sausage, chicken, and the other white meat — so why should you? Just make sure that next week, you stick to lettuce leaves and carrots to give your heart (and soul, and gentials) a break. And after that palate cleanser, we suggest you make it your New Year’s resolution to make like Paul Newman and find a dish to call your own.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Remember when Geraldo drunk-Tweeted that topless selfie in the middle of the night? (How will any of us ever forget that image?) There are things in this world that are meant only for the person you share a bed with. So sext like crazy, send dirty SnapChats to the one you love, but keep it private, people! And for every minute you spend on social media, make sure you spend at least a minute lavishing attention on your other half.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: Don’t settle for anything less than someone who can stimulate you intellectually and spiritually and sexually. Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Resolve to never forget that, despite the dodgy suit jackets and bad hair days, the Supremes got it right: You can’t hurry love.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will be in a mood to party this week. Which is fortunate, because it really sucks to be in a “Why don’t you all just go screw yourselves” mood at this time of year. Accept all invitations to party: a connection made at one event could be long-lasting. Unlike the connections made at all the other events, which will be fleeting, superficial conversations about the hype of New Year’s Eve and how many needles their tree has shed.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can’t always get what you want. And sometimes, when you don’t, you have a tendency to punch, kick, scream, and bite. Let’s work on some self-control issues in the new year.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It’s time to conquer your fear of all things sensual: start with candles, work up to soft jazz and bubble baths — by this time next year you could be an expert in erotic massage!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
In Pedro Almodovar’s Talk to Her (his perviest, most disturbing — yet somehow sweetest — film), a man is asked, “Are you single?” and he responds, “Yes, I’m alone.” Which is kind of how you’ve been feeling lately: “One is the loneliest number,” and all that claptrap that seems so much more depressing when you don’t have a date for New Year’s Eve. But maybe your attitude isn’t helping. You’re not alone, you’re number one! So wen you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This year, do not shag the married, the recently dumped, the commitment-shy, the strange (both weird and unknown: get to know them first) or the gay (unless you’re gay, in which case, don’t date the straight).

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. It’s the holidays — everyone’s too stuffed with crescent rolls and eggnog to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.

A Bittersweet Christmas Fantasy in Poem Form

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Walter de la Mare (25 April 1873 – 22 June 1956) was an English writer best known for his childrens’ works, psychological horror stories, and poetry (he also wrote plays and non-fiction). According to the Poetry Foundation, he’s “is considered one of modern literature’s chief exemplars of the romantic imagination. His complete works form a sustained treatment of romantic themes: dreams, death, rare states of mind and emotion, fantasy worlds of childhood, and the pursuit of the transcendent.” That entire description is perfectly exemplified by his 1913 poem below, which invokes fantasies, longing, and ghosts. Merry Creepy Christmas!

Mistletoe
Walter de la Mare (1913)

Sitting under the mistletoe
(Pale-green, fairy mistletoe),
One last candle burning low,
All the sleepy dancers gone,
Just one candle burning on,
Shadows lurking everywhere:
Some one came, and kissed me there.

Tired I was; my head would go
Nodding under the mistletoe
(Pale-green, fairy mistletoe),
No footsteps came, no voice, but only,
Just as I sat there, sleepy, lonely,
Stooped in the still and shadowy air
Lips unseen—and kissed me there.

Want more haunting poetry?
Baudelaire’s Naughty Ghost

2015: The Year in Bad Sex

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Beautiful, honest, legal, egalitarian sex took a lot of hits this year. Below you’ll find 13 of the worst offenders.

Jared Goes to Jail
Subway’s main frontman likes his sandwiches one foot tall and his dates not much taller. He was sentenced to 15 years in prison after admitting to distributing and receiving child pornography and paying for sex with minors.

Josh Duggar Pisses Off God
Not only was Josh one of the stars of TLC’s now-canceled “19 Kids and Counting”, which chronicled the holier-than-thou Jesus cult that is the Duggar family, he also worked at the holier-than-thou, right-wing Family Research Council. So it was both surprising and totally expected when his checkered past came to light this year. First, it was revealed he’d sexually abused five girls when he was a teenager, four of whom were his own sisters. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he admitted to cheating on his wife after his name was on the list of clients hacked from the marital affair website Ashley Madison. Oh wait, one more! He’s also being sued by an adult film star for battery during their affair.

Bill Cosby Is Evil in a Sweater
Fifty-five accusers and counting. Not a TLC reality show, but the number of women claiming that Bill Cosby had drugged, sexually assaulted and/or raped them. Read the devastating New York Magazine article on the accusations. This many women can’t be wrong.

The Aforementioned Ashley Madison Hack
Not only was Josh Duggar’s name on their list of clients looking for a little extramarital nookie, so was Christian YouTube sensation Sam Rader, Florida State Attorney Jeff Ashton, Louisiana GOP official Jason Doré and thousands of other government workers.

Celebrities Break Up
First it was Ben Batman Affleck and Jennifer All-American Garner, rumored to have broken up after 10 years together over his drinking, gambling and cliched fucking of the nanny. Then it was adorbs Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, who either broke up after only 4 years of marriage because she cheated on him OR because of something terrible he did — who knows? But the worst was Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, a seemingly perfect rock couple married for a whopping 13 years (that’s almost an eternity in celebrity years), because — surprise, surprise — he allegedly fucked the nanny. Yawn. Now we have to watch opposites-attract Gwen and Blake rebound all over each other in public. Wasn’t Adam Levine bad enough on “The Voice”?

Charlie Sheen Is H.I.V. Positive
So many people were trying to extort money from him for keeping his secret, he decided to come clean, as it were.

Madonna Kisses Drake
This was wrong on so many levels. First, the kiss (planted by Madonna on Drake during a Cochella concert) was unscripted and therefore pretty unconsensual — had a male star done the same to a female singer, it wouldn’t be cool. Second, while he seemed to enjoy the macking at first, when she let him go, his reaction suggested she might have thrown up in his mouth a little (Drake apparently said afterwards that while he liked the kiss, it was her “nasty lipstick” that was the problem). Finally, that reaction gave a green light to all the boring, ageist, sexist commentary about Madge being old and disgusting, because she still dares to be a sexual woman after the age of 50.

The Weeknd’s Misogyny
We love the catchiness of “Can’t Feel My Face” and “The Hills” as much as the next person. It just gets tricky to sing along with lines like “I just fucked two bitches ‘fore I saw you.” And the video for “Earned It” betrays its lyrics about the specialness of one paramour by parading before him a faceless battalion of female kink-bots in ass-less panties and not much else. Dig deeper into his discography, and you’ll find, as Lauren Martin writes, the “uncomfortable exoticism of Asian women, violent tendencies and obsession with prostitutes and/or strippers.” The video for “Pretty” glamorizes a jilted man brutally killing his girlfriend and her extracurricular lover while mixing female eroticism with extreme violence in a way that would make CSI proud. “Initiation” is about getting a naive fan so wasted she’ll agree to a gang bang by his crew. Nothing wrong with exploring the depths of male depravity through art — but after a while, when your villainy becomes your schtick, artistic license can sound an awful lot like artistic condonation.

Fifty Shades of Blah
Sam Johnson — an impressive, feminist, powerful artist — not only directed The Weeknd’s “Earned It” video (WTF? see above), she also directed the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie. While she valiantly fought with author E.L. James to try to elevate the rubbish story-telling a bit and succeeded in giving the main character more sexual agency than she has in the book, Johnson utterly failed at giving female movie-goers some of the eye-candy they were hoping for. Where were the long, loving shots of Christian Grey’s naked form? We needed more butt! And would a little bit of stem have killed you? We ladies can admire a male form, too. We thought Fifty Shades would be the film to finally deliver, seeing as it was such a straight-female-driven phenomenon, but it played by the tired old assumption that audiences are only comfortable with “more beautiful” female form.

Dad Bod
All we want to know is, where the hell was the Mom Bod adulation this year? Tit for tat, people. Or should we say, tit for fat?

Get More: Comedy Central,Funny Videos,Funny TV Shows

Trump Wants to Bang His Daughter
In a Rolling Stone interview this year, he said of his 34-year-old daughter Ivanka, “Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father …” To which The Daily Show responded with this hilarious analysis.

Morrissey Wins the Bad Sex Writing Award of 2015
In his debut novel, “List of the Lost,” one-time Smiths frontman and famed celibate Morissey tried — and apparently failed — to nail sex on paper: “At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.’

Amy Schumer Wins the Bad Sex Scene Award
And we mean that as a good thing! In her hilarious 2015 hit, Schumer has one of the most awkward and hilarious sex scenes in the history of cinema with her character’s jacked-up, meathead, and probably closeted boyfriend. The scene was mostly ad-libbed by professional wrestler John Cena, who should truly win an Oscar for lines emulating misguided dirty talk like “I’m gonna put my green drink in you, yeah, beta carotene and vegetable mix.”

Don’t kiss like Madonna in the new year:
A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Eve Kiss

A Line-by-Line Take Down of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

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The song performed in the 1949 musical “Neptune’s Daughter”

’Tis the season to be sexist, with the “traditional” Xmas pop played on an eternal loop, reinforcing old gender stereotypes about boys only wanting cowboy boots and guns while girls insist on walking, talking dollies. There’s the infernal Love, Actually movie which, despite its charming British accents and treacly warm-fuzzy moments, is mind-bogglingly offensive in its depiction of women as nothing more than the embodiments of men’s romantic and/or sexual fantasies. But the worst offender is the classic winter song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

To be fair, the tune was written in 1944, long before The Pill, Roe v. Wade, Free to Be You and Me — and only a measly 24 years after women got the right to vote. There was “no such thing” as marital rape back then (in fact, it wasn’t until 19-freakin-93 that marital rape became illegal in all 50 states). If you think our date rape culture is bad now, imagine it back in the 40s!

Which begs the question: if our rape problem is still so bad today, 70 years later, but we’re at least aware of said problem, then why does this creepy song still get so much play? Most of its new versions have been recorded in the last decade, with three new versions released last year alone! Yes, it’s a catchy tune, with some linguistically clever back-and-forths that make for a fun (or at least, fun-to-record) duet — even we can’t help but sing along! But in the age of campus rape awareness (finally!) and Bill Cosby allegations, how can so many contemporary artists (and listeners) not be more conflicted about a song that basically sanctions date rape, roofies and all?

Let’s break it down:

I really can’t stay / But, baby, it’s cold outside

I’ve got to go away / But, baby, it’s cold outside

This evening has been / Been hoping that you’d drop in

So very nice / I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice

Okay, she states her intentions clearly and they’re immediately met with his undermining tactics and pressure. And did he just subtly suggest that she’s “frigid”? Nice negging.

My mother will start to worry / Beautiful, what’s your hurry

My father will be pacing the floor / Listen to the fireplace roar

If her mother and father are waiting for her, then she’s probably still living at home — she may not even be old enough to legally drink (or legally give sexual consent!).

So really I’d better scurry / Beautiful, please don’t hurry

Never trust someone you’re still getting to know who calls you “Beautiful” instead of your actual name — you are not an individual, you’re a notch.

Well, maybe just half a drink more / Put some records on while I pour

Do not let him do the pouring! Stay with your drink at all times.

The neighbors might think / Baby, it’s bad out there

Say what’s in this drink / No cabs to be had out there

How can listeners not be picturing Bill Cosby in a garish Christmas sweater right now?

I wish I knew how / Your eyes are like starlight now

To break this spell / I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

The incessant flattery is a pretty creepy attempt to break down her will.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir / Mind if I move in closer

Okay, it admittedly gets a little fuzzy here (but maybe that’s because of what he put in her drink!). She shouldn’t mince words, she should say “no” flat out — and she does, later in the song! But here, let’s not blame the victim. And, yes, good for him that he asked permission to move in closer, but does anyone listening believe he would respect her wishes and not inch nearer if she said, “Uh, thanks, but I’m good.”?

At least I’m gonna say that I tried / What’s the sense of hurting my pride

I really can’t stay / Baby, don’t hold out

[Both] Baby, it’s cold outside

Ugh, now we’re getting into the tired, well-trod territory of the sexual double standard: how women need to protect their reputations and deny their own sexuality, while men have to be virulent sexual creatures as a matter of pride. Add to that his underhanded attempt to appeal to her socially-constructed feminine desire to be accommodating and inoffensive and friendly. And please, let’s not use the Blurred Lines, I-know-you-want-it excuse that she obviously would like to stay and have sex with him but can’t because of the cultural mores of the time: a person can be conflicted about their feelings, but ultimately assert their intentions clearly, as she does — and those intentions need to be respected.

I simply must go / Baby, it’s cold outside

The answer is no / Baby, it’s cold outside

There it is! Couldn’t be clearer.

The welcome has been / How lucky that you dropped in

So nice and warm / Look out the window at the storm

He’s starting to sound like Kathy Bates in Misery.

My sister will be suspicious / Gosh your lips look delicious

My brother will be there at the door / Waves upon a tropical shore

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious / Gosh your lips are delicious

But maybe just a cigarette more /Never such a blizzard before

So the lesson for boys is: ignore her, break her argument down at every turn, steal a kiss, and that’s when you’ll start to get somewhere sexually. Classy.

I got to get home / But, baby, you’d freeze out there

Say lend me a coat / It’s up to your knees out there

You’ve really been grand / I thrill when you touch my hand

But don’t you see / How can you do this thing to me

Blue balls are no longer a valid defense in the court of public opinion.

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow / Think of my life long sorrow

And the lesson learned by girls is: your number one priority is not to be perceived as a slut.

At least there will be plenty implied / If you caught pneumonia and died

When all else fails, use the threat of imminent death as your P.U.A. power play. Isn’t that one of Mystery’s moves outlined in the The Game?

I really can’t stay / Get over that old doubt

[Both] Baby, it’s cold

[Both] Baby, it’s cold outside

The answer to the question of why this is now a Christmas “standard” is, of course, that sexism is alive and well today as the one remaining prejudice that’s still socially acceptable to entertain publicly. Because it’s funny. Because it’s no big deal. Hey, lighten up! Tell that to the women in this New York Times magazine article who said no, were ignored, and froze during their on-campus assaults.

The only way this song even remotely works in this day and age is with the roles reversed: a man singing the call and a woman singing the return — though still questionable, at least it’s subversive and philosophically interesting. They did it in the 1949 musical Neptune’s Daughter, which features both versions and seems pretty revolutionary for the time (the pushy man is pretty sleazy; the pushy woman is pure slapstick). And those recordings are happening more often. But which of the Zooey Deschanel versions are you more familiar with: the She & Him one which turns the tables, or the traditional version with her and Leon Redbone (from the movie Elf)?

And that’s why, to all the traditional (read: sexist) versions we hear on the radio, we say “Bah, humbug!”

Want more between the lines?
What the Song “Honey I’m Good” Gets Right About Marriage

5 Ways to Stay “Koselig” If You’re SINGLE This Winter

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photo via Pixabay

Last week we introduced you to the awesome Norwegian word koselig, which means a sense of coziness. According to a Fast Company article, koselig is “like the best parts of Christmas, without all the stress. People light candles, light fires, drink warm beverages, and sit under fuzzy blankets.” And according to recent research by a Stanford PhD student, koselig is how Norwegians make it through the period from late November to late January, when the sun never makes it above the horizon. Instead of bemoaning the season and succumbing to Seasonal Affective Disorder, Norwegians make the most of the cold and the dark.

It’s easy to think of ways to get koselig this winter (isn’t that what the missionary position was invented for?!) — but what about if you missed cuffing season and now find yourself single for the winter months? We’re here for you, petal. Here are five ways to stay koselig without a partner:

1. Invite Friends Over to Watch The Bachelor and Drink Red Wine

Or whatever crappy reality TV show is your current guilty pleasure. Gather around the TV together like it’s a roaring fire, and get drunk on cheap red wine while you make fun of the contestants. Hey, it works for us! If you’re feeling extra generous, make your friends a cassoulet, which is a traditional French dish made in a Dutch oven, and will make your entire house smell divine and cozy. Here’s a great recipe. For vegetarians, make a gourmet mac-n-cheese instead. That said, we find that a block of cheese and a box of crackers works just as well.

2. Treat Yourself to a New Robe

Because you know who gets to tell you that 6pm is too early to change out of your work clothes and into a cozy robe? Nobody, that’s who! We like the hooded sweatshirt-style robes by L.L. Bean — both for him and for her.

3. Treat Yourself to a New Vibrator

Because once you’re curled up on the couch with a brand new cozy robe, the only thing missing will be the kind of predictable, no-reciprocation-necessary, toe-curling orgasm that only a high-end pleasure object can offer. We like the Lily 2 for her, and the Loki Wave for him, both by LELO.

4. Read the Kind of Book You Can Get Lost in for Weeks

Like A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, or My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante (and its three sequels!), or, if you’re feeling really ambitious, the entire My Struggle series by Karl Ove Knausgaard. When you’re finally ready to emerge into the real world again, you’ll feel both smarter than and superior to all your coupled-up friends, who never have time for such long books because their other half is always nagging them to do something or be social.

5. Indulge in a Steamy Online Affair

Whenever we advise people on online dating, we always tell them to meet up as soon as possible, rather than wasting time on email or phone calls before you know whether or not you two will have chemistry. But who can be bothered with all those drinks or coffee meetings when it’s so freakin’ cold outside? Instead, indulge in virtual affairs, and email and text to your heart’s delight. Enjoy the fantasy and don’t stress about whether the reality will live up to your expectations — that’s what spring is for, after all.

Single and horny?
Make sure you know our “25 Rules of the Booty Call”

Your Holiday Horoscopes

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photo via flickr

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Some people really know how to put the “sex” into “quality time with your loved ones this holiday season.” Like Mariah Carey, for instance. Or another for instance — you! All you want for Christmas is to get your freak on. And your holiday dream may well come true… so long as you’re not sharing a bedroom with your eight-year-old twin cousins.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll be a joiner this week, eager to partake of all the festivities going on around you. You will be charming and free-spirited and all your family and friends will be glad you came home for the holidays. And you’ll make your partner dress up like Santa for sex and say ho ho ho when s/he comes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If there’s a piece of mistletoe in the room, chances are you’re standing under it this week with your eyes closed, your lips pursed and some really strong Velcro on your gloves to snare passersby. And believe it or not, it might actually work. Have fun, but remember that a holiday party fling doesn’t always lead to a serious long-term relationship. Shocking, we know.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be in a really sensual mood this week. Unfortunately, it’s kinda freaking out your grandmother. You might want to tone it down a bit around the family — they’re starting to wonder what you’re doing in the bubble bath for so long, and the way you moaned over the butternut squash lasagna made everyone blush. Once you’re out on the town, go nuts — we have a feeling even Santa’s celibate elves won’t have a chance around you.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This horoscope goes out to all you single Leos. Apologies to the Leos in secure, loving relationships. (Why don’t you guys cook dinner for each other or something? And don’t you have any mistletoe to make out under?) Anyway, back to the singles. Someone may try to set you up on a blind date this week. Don’t do it! Especially if someone in your family is behind the set-up. Usually, we’re all for this kind of thing, but right now we think you’ll have more luck using all five senses to seek out a potential mate. Besides, would you really trust someone in your family to set you up? Remember what they got you for Christmahanakwanzika last year?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Others will find you difficult to keep up with this week. Maybe it’s because you got a snowmobile for Christmas and they just got a new scarf. Slow down and give the cute ones a chance to catch up: the wait may be worth your while.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t accept a ride on any old reindeer. Wait until you meet the one who really makes your bells jingle.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Remember how when you were a kid and your mom told you to make a list for Santa and you really thought you could ask for anything? Remember wishing for world peace, a new kidney for your sick neighbor and a better hair day for your math teacher? (What? That was just us? You asked for a pony? Greedy brat.) Anyway, we got older and we started to ask for things we knew we’d get. Sometimes we even stuck Post-It notes on certain pages of our favorite catalog to make sure our parents got it right. Or even more shamelessly, created an Amazon.com wishlist. We sure do miss the magic, but at least we get great presents now. Anyway, where were we? Oh, your sex life, right. You should temper your expectations if you want to relate romantically. In other words, don’t ask for the equivalent of a hover scooter when it comes to sex, or you’re sure to be disappointed. We should know.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This is our favorite time of the year, when the only decision we have to make is whether or not to have seconds. Okay, scratch that: the only decision we have to make is whether or not to change into our stretchy pants before eating seconds. You, on the other hand, have a big decision to make. Yeah, you know what we’re talking about, the massive decision that’s been hanging around like an elephant in a Santa suit. Go ahead and make up your mind, you won’t regret it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll be hard to resist if you attend social functions this week, and you won’t have to say much in order to attract attention. Your body language will speak for itself. Of course, if instead you spend the week stuffing your face and getting drunk on eggnog while playing board games with your family, then all that charisma will just float up the chimney. But hey, we’re sure there’ll be other weeks like this.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Have you ever wished that you were a bimbo or himbo for a night? That you could just stand in the corner looking all cute and that would be enough? Well do we have a holiday gift for you! It’s a one-week, all access bimbo-himbo pass. This holiday season, your animal magnetism is all it will take to literally charm the pants off the object of your desire. Nothing you say will change their mind either way. Except for maybe your joke about the seal and the cappuccino. Yeah, we’d retire that one for good.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tis the season to be jolly, to overeat, to go deeper into debt and to get drunk and embarrass yourself at your office holiday party. Isn’t it just easier to admit that to yourself right now? Don’t fight the feeling — we know you’ve been waiting all year to proposition the occupant of cubicle #247.

STOCKING STUFFER ALERT!
150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink
**is on sale now for any Fifty Shades fans on your list!**

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Now here’s something you don’t see every day: Pro Life But Also Pro Sex-Ed & Birth Control

Read the post that started it all: Why Women Have Rape/Ravishment Fantasies

Should looks determine a “keeper”? Don’t Be a Beauty Fascist When It Comes to Dating!

A Supermarket in California by Allen Ginsberg

Want some sexy Walt Whitman? His Poem That Praises Women Who Love Sex As Openy As Men Do

Here’s how to be ready for a sleepover anytime: 7 Must-Have Handbag Items for Spontaneous Casual Sex

What if you really WERE thinking of your ex? Having Secret Fantasies Is Natural & Normal

The prenook is the first step. Here are: 10 More Steps to Getting Casual Sex Right

Mistletoe Walter de la Mare (1913)

Want more haunting poetry? Baudelaire’s Naughty Ghost

Beautiful, honest, legal, egalitarian sex took a lot of hits this year. Below you’ll find 13 of the worst offenders.

Don’t kiss like Madonna in the new year: A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Eve Kiss

The song performed in the 1949 musical “Neptune’s Daughter”

Want more between the lines? What the Song “Honey I’m Good” Gets Right About Marriage

1. Invite Friends Over to Watch The Bachelor and Drink Red Wine

2. Treat Yourself to a New Robe

3. Treat Yourself to a New Vibrator

4. Read the Kind of Book You Can Get Lost in for Weeks

5. Indulge in a Steamy Online Affair

Single and horny? Make sure you know our “25 Rules of the Booty Call”

STOCKING STUFFER ALERT! 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink is on sale now for any Fifty Shades fans on your list!

Elegy XIX: To His Mistress Going to Bed
by John Donne

Want more hard sells from the 17th C?
A Poem About Love Being Nothing Without Sex

Now here’s something you don’t see every day:
Pro Life But Also Pro Sex-Ed & Birth Control

Read the post that started it all:
Why Women Have Rape/Ravishment Fantasies

Should looks determine a “keeper”?
Don’t Be a Beauty Fascist When It Comes to Dating!

A Supermarket in California
by Allen Ginsberg

Want some sexy Walt Whitman?
His Poem That Praises Women Who Love Sex As Openy As Men Do

Here’s how to be ready for a sleepover anytime:
7 Must-Have Handbag Items for Spontaneous Casual Sex

What if you really WERE thinking of your ex?
Having Secret Fantasies Is Natural & Normal

The prenook is the first step. Here are:
10 More Steps to Getting Casual Sex Right

Mistletoe
Walter de la Mare (1913)

Want more haunting poetry?
Baudelaire’s Naughty Ghost

Don’t kiss like Madonna in the new year:
A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Eve Kiss

Want more between the lines?
What the Song “Honey I’m Good” Gets Right About Marriage

Single and horny?
Make sure you know our “25 Rules of the Booty Call”

STOCKING STUFFER ALERT!
150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink
**is on sale now for any Fifty Shades fans on your list!**