All posts by Em & Lo

Your Weekly Horoscopes: October 5th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Being a slut…er…playing the field will be your M.O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you “lead on” this week will come a’calling next week with bells on. Literally. They’ll have little jingle bells sewn onto their sleeves. You’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile away so you can attempt a quick getaway. But although you can run, you can’t hide.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Be careful what you wish for. Twelve-inch penises are way overrated, money can’t buy you happiness, and don’t let Brangelina fool you: Fame is a bitch. Being popular usually just means you’re constantly surrounded by people you don’t like. Take a closer look at someone outside of your inner circle. He or she won’t love you for your fame or money. They’ll just love you for you. Well, you and your big dick.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Friends don’t let friends make serious commitments under the influence. Which is why we need to tell you: It may feel like lurve, but that’s just your genitals trying to trick you into a good lay. This week, they’re the boss of you, so don’t go signing on any dotted lines or buying any rings. It might turn out to actually be true lurve, but there’s no way to tell that for sure until you’ve sobered up a little and taken off the beer goggles.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Remember how your momma always promised you that one day, someone would realize that all that glitters is not gold? That was just a nice way of her telling you that man, was your acne ever bad. Nowadays kids don’t understand the struggle that we had back in the day before acne treatment was a thing. Fortunately, little duckling, you’re all growed up now. But Momma was right: This week, someone special is finally going to figure out that it’s always the quiet ones. Someone is going to realize that sexual bragadaccio does not a good lover make. They’re going to see that the dirtiest dogs are the ones who are all bite and no bark. And you’re going to be the one to do all the enlightening.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Get out there and do some of the things you find most exciting and adventurous: skiing, surfing, skydiving, online poker. You may not meet any potential partners while you’re doing these things, but at least the adrenaline rush you experience will get the blood flowing and the heart pumping. Which is the next best thing to sex.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
There’s someone standing behind you reading your horoscope over your shoulder. Quick, look!…Too late, they’re gone now. Don’t worry about it though, the stars say it wasn’t a serial killer. They also say you should be up front with your partner about your feelings. And they want you to stop procrastinating and clean your room.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Take a look around. Someone has their eye on you. No, not that creepy freak at the grocery store who always seems to be waiting for you in the toilet paper aisle. We’re talking about someone with real potential. Play hard to get and you might get them in return. Just make sure you’re stocked up on T.P. because there’s nothing worse than running out when the two of you come home stumbling drunk at 3 a.m. for your first love sesh after a night of Mexican and beer.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There will be plenty of opportunities for you to win over the heart of your beloved this week. Don’t make us come over there and smack you upside the head: Take one of them! Open up that window. And not just a crack. Fling it open with all your might and gracefully leap out of it into the open arms of love. Kind of like a drunk girl trying to win beads at Mardi Gras who accidentally slips off the balcony and falls on a passed-out frat guy in the gutter.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
With risk comes reward, and with no risk comes a string of lonely nights in front of the television watching Comedy Central reruns. Wouldn’t it be nicer to have someone to cuddle with on the couch to make those reruns seem actually funny? So take a chance and ask them out already. We forbid you to whine about long lonely nights until then. Sure, they might say no, but at least then you’ll have earned your right to whine about long lonely nights.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
With great charisma comes great attention. Except it’s not all great. When everyone wants to be by your side, you’re bound to get a few wackjobs and jerkfaces nipping at your heels. They pretend to be something they’re not to get into your “inner circle.” Next thing you know your pants are around your ankles. You think you’re in heaven, then suddenly their mask slips off mid-sesh. You feel betrayed, used, taken advantage of. You have a baby breakdown. But you pick up the pieces and move on to the next backup dancer/bug-eyed singer/gimp in a maroon one-zy… So what does J. Lo’s life story have to do with you? It’s screaming at you to choose your partners wisely.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If someone isn’t warming up to you, there may be a good reason. For instance, they may hate your guts. Instead, look for someone gullible who will fall for your sleazy charms. Now that’s what we call a match made in heaven.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You know how when you get drunk so you’ll feel better, you always feel doubly bad the next morning–depressed and hungover? Well, slumming it in the sack just ’cause you’re lonely is the same thing. Now, slumming it just ’cause you’re horny is a whole ‘nother story. But if you’re really honest with yourself, your loneliness trumps your horniness right now, doesn’t it? There, there, it’s going to be alright. Come here and give your Auntie Em and Auntie Lo a big hug. Next week things will all be (slightly) better.

Sex Poetry: Sylvia Plath’s Ode to Young Love

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photo via Pixabay

Sylvia Plath did for confessional poetry what Kim Kardashian did for the selfie. Wait, that didn’t come out quite right. Sylvia Plath did for confessional poetry what Hunter S. Thompson did for gonzo journalism. Or: she did for confessional poetry what John Stagliano did for gonzo porn. You get the idea. Unlike Kardashian, Thompson, and Stagliano, Plath was clinically depressed for most of her adult life, and committed suicide in 1963 (age 31). Just before she died, her semi-autobiographical novel The Bell Jar was published, and in 1982, she won a posthumous Pulitzer Prize for her Collected Poems.

Plath wrote this week’s poem, “Mad Girl’s Love Song,” when she was still a student at Smith College, and while it might not be as polished as her later work, it’s a lovely, raw take on young love.

Mad Girl’s Love Song

by Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Want more hot verse?
Walt Whitman’s Poem Praises Women Who Love Sex as Openly as Men Do

10 Steps to Getting Casual Sex Right

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photo via Pixabay

At least half of all problems associated with casual sex can be traced back to its name: People think that “casual” means the sex takes no thought and fits as comfortably as sweatpants. But the truth is, you have to date for years before sex gets like that. (Monogamy does have a few benefits, after all!)

In fact, this is one of the reasons why the two of us often refer to casual sex as recreational sex instead — or rec sex for short. It’s a kinder, gentler term, making us think of sex on a picnic blanket — as opposed to the term casual, which makes us think of people being sloppy-drunk and mean.

Here are ten steps to getting recreational sex right:

1. Be Nice

Just because you’re never going to see someone again doesn’t mean that your manners should fly out the window.

2. Don’t Worry So Much About Inner Beauty

One of the best things about casual sex is that you can forget all about soul-mates and long-term compatibility and just focus on a pure, chemical connection: You can sleep with someone just because you like their accent, for example. Or you can sleep with someone who is far too young — or too old — for you. And you can enjoy a guilt-free rendezvous with someone who has a surplus of outer beauty but is somewhat lacking in other departments.

3. Be Honest

Just because you’re doing away with guilt, doesn’t mean you should do away with honesty, too. Don’t ever lie about your intentions to get someone into bed. Man up — or woman up — and admit you’re just looking for a roll in the hay. And never give a fake number or ask for a number you have no intention of calling.

4. Be a Decent Host…Or At Least a Polite Guest

We don’t care how casual the hookup, it’s just plain rude to kick someone to the curb at 5 a.m. Let them sleep over. And make them a decent cup of coffee in the morning. That said, be aware that snuggling for more than 15 minutes may send a mixed message — but that said, don’t be confused if your one-night stand wants to spoon all night. Some people like a little casual intimacy on the side. If you hate to spoon strangers, then go back to your hook-up’s place instead, so you can sneak out at 5 a.m. And be sure to leave a cheery note; phone number not required.

5. Be Safe

Always always always use protection correctly. And know that condoms may not always protect you from everything (herpes, HPV…), so ask questions too (e.g. “Do you always use protection?” and “When’s the last time you were tested?”). Oh, yeah, and don’t let a complete stranger tie you up during sex, either!

6. Don’t Be Yourself (Unless You Feel Like It)

Your one-night stand has no idea what you’re usually like in bed… so take advantage of this and don’t be your usual self! Casual sex is the perfect excuse to reinvent yourself sexually — to be extra dirty or to try something new. In other words, to potentially make an ass of yourself, because your flavor of the moment has no idea what you’re usually like in bed and will probably never see you again. Remember, too much missionary is missing the point. Women especially may relish this freedom.

7. Hold the Romance

The following activities are not appropriate foreplay during casual sex: drawing a bubble bath in a candle-lit bathroom; reciting your poetry; playing love songs on your guitar. Remember, a casual encounter is too fleeting and flimsy to bear the weight of such romance-laden activities — save those for your monogamous partner, who has no choice but to listen to your “modern take” on Extreme’s “More Than Words.”

8. Keep Things Light

Don’t talk about any prescription drugs you may be hooked on or what your therapist thinks of casual sex or how your parents’ divorce affects your ability to sustain a relationship.

9. Be a Grownup

When it comes to the sex, don’t sulk if you don’t get everything you asked Santa for — only people in relationships are allowed to complain when things don’t go their way in bed (and even then they should stop focusing on the negative and just be grateful someone puts up with them). Just because casual sex is supposed to be fun, doesn’t mean it comes with a money-back guarantee—nor is it necessarily consequence-free (especially if you don’t wrap up). In fact, it can often be just as complicated as a relationship, if more fleeting: the heartache, the jealousy, the awkward brunches, the unreturned phone calls, the bloopers, the bad pick-up lines, the hangovers, the STDs, and the earnest attempts to stave off soul-sucking loneliness by simply connecting with another human being.

10. Have Fun, Goddammit!

Enjoying casual sex doesn’t mean you don’t take sex seriously—it just means you enjoy a romp in multiple contexts. If you’re not having a laugh, then you’re missing the point.

Want your next casual encounter to be dirtier?
5 Ways to Spice Up a One-Night Stand

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 28th, 2015

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photo via Little Visuals

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Concentrate on making money rather than on making sweet love. But when you think about it, what’s the difference?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A friend or relative will introduce you to someone new and (keep your fingers crossed) interesting. Of course, this could mean you’ll be meeting your Aunt Myrna’s renowned and flamboyant gastroenterologist. But let’s be optimistic. If someone wants to set you up on a blind date, then be set up. The worst that could happen is that you’ll get some free samples of Tums.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Secret affairs always begin on a high note: furtive glances over the cubicle wall, work emails full of double entendres, desperate gropings in the supply closet, “working late” again (at least, that’s what we imagine goes on in other offices). But then you realize that you’ve got no one to watch Scream Queens with and you start to wonder what it might be like to have sex in a bed without your underwear stuck around your knees. Before you get seduced by a clandestine tryst, remember that there won’t be any cuddling. And cuddling’s nice sometimes.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Put on the full-body armor: Someone is about to take you for a ride and then throw you out to the sidewalk without slowing down.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The spotlight will flatter you this week, so do whatever it takes to get into it. (Doing “The Tuck” à la The Silence of the Lambs at parties does not count.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If you don’t care to share your feelings then the person you care about is likely to think that you don’t care. Don’t be like Pierre.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If you have the ability to make someone feel good (and you know you do), why don’t you exercise that ability? If you don’t, that nice muscle will just atrophy. Then you’ll end up a miserable flabby old crab. Improve your karma and spread some damn sunshine, will you?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The Green-Eyed Monster is usually just a harmless tag-along, someone you humor and hang out with on rare occasions. But be careful, because this week he might get you totally hammered at some dive bar while talking shit about whatever game you’ve got going. Then you’ll wake up on the sidewalk somewhere with the vague recollection of having done something really stupid to mess up your, in hindsight, pretty perfect romantic sitch. And G.E.M. won’t be around to hold back your hair while you hurl.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We kinda hate the saying “No one on their death bed ever wished they worked more.” Obviously, people who use that phrase are lazy, unmotivated, and don’t stress as much as they should. We know you’re with us on this one, Sag. That said, working late this week could apparently really mess up your chances of finding true romance, or at the very least, hot sex. We know, we can hardly believe it ourselves. Just force yourself to indulge in some social time this week, or you could end up on your deathbed saying, “If only I’d had more sex.”

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Abort mission! It’s impossible. Though you may dance around your living room in your underwear, you’re no Tom Cruise.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just pick up the damn phone and ask them out. Yeah, right, like it’s that easy. Well, a friend of ours who’s read those sleazy seduction books swears by this particular tip: Say “hi” to at least seven people you’re attracted to per day. Don’t try to talk to them, just say “hi” and move on–on the bus, the sidewalk, whatever. That way (the theory goes), when you do meet someone you want to talk to, it’ll feel more natural. Or maybe people will just start referring to you as Freaky Hi Guy/Gal on Broadway. But anyway, practice is the thing we’re talking about. Practice your technique on the Dominos operator or your bank’s customer service rep or the talking clock. The worst they can do is hang up. And maybe you’ll get free breadsticks.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We think you’re finally ready for true love. If you’re already in it, great! Our job is done. But if you’re not, then it’s probably time to move on from that soulless relationship devoid of any real emotion but full of great, mind-blowing sex. Wait a minute, who just said that?!

6 Ways to Stimulate Your Senses During Sex

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photo via LELO

1. Wear a Blindfold

You could light some candles or twist in a red lightbulb to alter the visuals. It would be a good idea to go for candles, especially the ones that are fragrant. Many studies reveal that scent can have an impact on sexual experience. Though you may not notice it instantly, you could feel the changes in your mood after some time. Moreover, decades of research show that when it comes to mating, humans tend to follow their noses. So, how about lighting a tealight in an elegant wax melt burner (for a more dramatic effect)? Put some romantic music on and that is it! However, do not stop at that! Because the most dramatic thing you can do with your sight is to turn it off. In doing so, all your other senses will be enhanced: you’ll hear your own breathing, taste the salty-sweet sweat of your partner’s skin, smell the clean notes of their body soap, and feel their every caress MORE. You could just close your eyes, but there’s always the temptation to peek. With a blindfold, you don’t have a choice — and with limitation, ironically, comes liberation. Go for something soft and opaque and be sure to tie the knot on the side, so your partner doesn’t have to lie on an uncomfortable nubbin. The purpose-made blindfolds, like LELO’s silk “Intima,” look less kidnapping victim, more hot Ana-Steele-style submissive.

2. Insert Ear Buds

Headphones are the next step, after blindfolds, on the sensory deprivation ladder. Anything from white noise to relaxing nature sounds to the official soundtrack to the “Fifty Shades” book series (which includes all the classical songs the characters copulated to in the books) to Insane Clown Posse (if that’s your thing) will help set, if not the mood, then a mood. Whether you employ headphones or even just earplugs, you’ll be deprived of aural clues and distractions, insulating yourself from sounds like your breathing, the smack of a warm hand hitting your skin, the dog barking, etc. — all of which restricts your ability to anticipate touch. You can only speak when spoken to, and you can only be spoken to when your partner chooses to lean in real close and liberate one ear. This will help you focus on your other senses, especially touch.

3. Assign Certain Scents Just for Sex

With your sense of smell tied so powerfully to your memory, a scent associated with an ex-lover (e.g. the best you’ve ever had), a favorite vacation destination (e.g. Paris), a certain type of sex (e.g. kinky or romantic), or even a particular position (e.g. from behind) will forever transport you back to that sensual space and time every time you get a whiff of it. So it’s worth introducing new scents to your sex sessions on a regular basis: a perfume or cologne, a new deodorant or nice-smelling shampoo, a scented candle or massage oil. LELO makes a combination “Flickering Touch” massage-candle in three sophisticated scents: Vanilla & Creme de Cacao, Black Pepper & Pomegranate, and Snow Pear & Cedarwood. LELO even makes a scented vibrator! The new Lily 2 – a discrete, waterproof pebble vibe with 8 powerful vibe settings (pictured here) — comes in fresh, romantic aphrodisiac scents with relaxing notes: Bordeaux & Chocolate, Rose & Wisteria, or Lavender & Manuka Honey. Unplug it from its USB-charger, give it a whirl under your sniffer, then a swirl down below — whether alone or pressed between two bodies during lovemaking. It’s like subtle, sexy smelling salts for sex!

4. Brush Your Teeth Before Oral

Don’t even bother with the flavored lubes or chocolate body paint at novelty stores — chances are they’ll taste terrible. Better to go with a sip of nice champagne or a bite of fine dark chocolate before a kiss. One of the simplest ways to improve taste — and smell — during sex is to brush your teeth right beforehand. The minty-ness might give your partner a little tingle on their naughty bits, but more importantly, it’ll give your saliva a much nicer scent — crucial for your partner when you’re slobbering all over their mouth; critical for you when you’re slobbering all over their genitals. Any unpleasantness you might detect is much more likely your own bad breath rather than their junk.

5. Apply New & Unexpected Textures

Are you bare down there? Grow back your bush for the winter! Have you always rocked a full 70s carpet? Then wax it all off for a change! Are your sheets 100% cotton? Invest in some silk ones. Grab an ice cube from your cocktail on a hot summer day and awaken sleepy nips. Apply the patterned rubber of a ping pong paddle to the fleshy parts of your luvva’s ass. Gently – and we mean gently – trace your partner’s curves while palming a sheet of soft sandpaper. Or go with something more deliberate: LELO makes a nice little affordable feather teaser that elevates your texture play from D.I.Y. to D.I.Sigh. (We’ll be here all week, folks!)

6. Touch Overlooked Body Parts

Someone once told us that the body parts with the least amount of hair have the most nerve endings. To prove whether that’s true – at least for you – you can conduct a fun little experiment: compare and contrast the sensations evoked from stroking barer skin – like the ears, the collarbone, the hip bone, the inner thigh, the back of the knees – with those sensations evoked from more hirsute areas. Whether or not one type is better than the other, it’ll just be nice and novel to deliberately touch spots that might often get overlooked in the heat of the moment. But one surefire way to guarantee that the hairiest part of your body wins the sensitivity contest? Have your partner use the Tingler on your scalp during foreplay — you’ll find goosebumps in places you didn’t even know you had goosebumps!

Want to turn your partner’s sense of touch up to 11?
A Guide to Couples Toys, from Beginners to Advanced

My Libido Makes Me Sleep with Mr. Wrong

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photo via Pixabay

Dear Em & Lo,

I feel like I’m stuck right now. I meet plenty of young men that are very interesting, and eventually, after spending some time with them, I get attached. Something that sounds very normal but turns out to be very painful in the end. So here’s my problem: no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself from getting intimate with all these guys quickly. (I respect the “no sex on the first date” rule but I’ll go for it sooner than later.) Also, these guys are never “available” to be a boyfriend to me because they are so busy with their lives. They all seem to have something else on their minds that prevents them from building something with me. So I end up happy in bed (most of the time!) but lacking for anything to call a relationship. It never seems to stick, like as if there was a problem with my approach. I really enjoy sex and I’m afraid that it’s jeopardizing my chances to fall in love.

— Stuck in the Booty Ghetto

Dear S.i.t.B.G.,

You don’t have to give up sex to get a relationship, and you don’t have to give up relationships to get sex, but you DO have to figure out (a) whether or not the person you’re seeing is relationship material, and (b) if they’re not, then whether or not you’re one of those people who can enjoy sex without becoming TOO attached.

If you’re not one of those (b) types, then, yes, you’ll have to sacrifice partner sex until you find a guy who’s relationship material. (Hey, that’s why god made vibrators.) But if you are, then the solution to your problem is really just a mental trick: Sleep with the guy whenever you feel like it, but if he’s not relationship material, then just be sure to tell yourself — in a very stern voice — “This is just scratching-an-itch sex.”

However, based on your history of getting attached to interesting young men, we’re guessing that you’re not really made for scratch-an-itch sex. In which case, you’ll want to avoid sleeping with guys who aren’t relationship material. And this is the really tricky part. We wish we had a fail-safe solution for you. Normally, our default position is communicate-communicate-communicate — which, in this case, would simply mean asking point-blank, “So are you looking for a relationship, or is this just a casual thing to you?” Unfortunately even if a guy IS looking for a relationship, a question this blunt very early in a courtship — like, on the second date — may scare the shit out of him.

Which means that you’re just going to have to learn from experience. Why don’t you look back at all these guys who blew you off and see if you notice a pattern. For example, did they not return your calls or texts, or did they take a week to do so? Did they seem uninterested in hearing about how your day went? Was it always you suggesting the next date? Did they text you at 11pm “just to say hi”? Once you’ve established some kind of pattern, be extra wary of guys who seem to fit the type. And by “extra wary,” we mean DON’T HAVE SEX until you get to know them a little better. And once you know them a little better, then it’s more than acceptable to break out the R word.

For the record, we’re not big proponents of “holding out” on having sex in order to steer a guy toward a relationship. Sure, there’s a lot to be said for not having sex on the first date — some guys are just weird about that (fortunately not our wonderful Wise Guys, however!). But holding off on the sex until you’re comfortable with them and trust them and feel like they might want a relationship — you do that for YOU. You don’t do it because you think it’ll change the guy’s opinion of you. Because if a guy is only interested in you for the sex, then he’ll disappear as soon as he’s reached that goal, whether you made him wait 24 minutes or 24 dates for the pleasure.

All that said, we would be remiss if we didn’t mention a third thing you may have to figure out: c) if there’s something about you that’s scaring everyone off. A propensity to talk about your exes or Oprah, an immediate clingy-ness that borders on stalking, a creepy teddy bear collection…? We’re not assuming it’s “your fault” — you could be a real catch, but plenty of young guys just aren’t interested in anything serious — we just want to be sure we cover all the bases.

No attachment without written approval!

Em & Lo

Not ready to give up on that playa?
5 Steps for Getting a Pickup Artist to Commit

The Sexy (and Sick) Parts of Ovid’s Metamorphoses

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"Pygmalion" by Jean-Baptiste Regnault, 1786

This epic poem from the Roman bard published in 8 A.D. outlines the “history” of the world through 250 transfomative-themed myths over 15 books. Sexual desire was traditionally described in ancient Rome as a burning flame (not much changes over 2 millennia), so Metamorphoses has a lot of hot imagery. But it’s not all positive. Like a provocative, male-centric, Hollywood movie, it’s got the good, the bad, and the ugly:

Objectification

He looks at Daphne’s hair
as, unadorned, it hangs from her fair neck,
and says: “Just think, if she should comb her locks!”
He sees her lips and never tires of them;
her fingers, hands, and wrists are unsurpassed;
her arms — more than half-bare – cannot be matched;
whatever he can’t see he can imagine;
he conjures it as even more inviting.

Longing

When Echo saw
Narcissus roaming through the lonely fields,
she was inflamed with love, and — furtively —
she followed in his footsteps. As she drew
still closer, closer, so her longing grew
more keen, more hot — as sulphur, quick to burn,
smeared round a torch’s top bursts into flame
when there are other fires close to it.

Rape & Racism

The sight was quite enough; the flame of love
had taken Tereus, as if one had set
afire ripe grain, dry leaves, or a haystack.
It’s true she’s fair, but he is also spurred
by venery, an inborn tribal urge.
The vice inflaming him is both his own
and that dark fire which burns in Thracian souls.
His impulse was to buy his way with her,
to bribe her closest friends or faithful nurse
and then, when he’d corrupted them, to tempt
the girl himself, though that might cost his kingdom;
or else to ravish her, and then defend
his rape by waging unrelenting war.

Homosexuality & Transgenderism

(Iphis — raised as a boy, in love with & betrothed to another woman, Ianthe — thinks to herself):
“Even now there’s no
desire of mine that’s been denied; the gods
have been benevolent — they’ve given me
as much as they could give; and what I want
is what my father and Ianthe want,
and what my future father-in-law wants.
It’s nature, with more power than all of these,
that does not want it: my sole enemy
is nature! Now the longed-for moment nears,
my wedding day is close at hand: Ianthe
will soon be mine — but won’t belong to me.”
(Later the gods turn her into a man.)

Objectophilia

[Pygmalion] is enchanted and, within his heart,
the likeness of a body now ignites
a flame. He often lifts his hand to try
his work, to see if it indeed is flesh
or ivory; he still will not admit
it is but ivory. He kisses it:
it seems to him that, in return, he’s kissed.
He speaks to it, embraces it; at each
caress, the image seems to yield beneath
his fingers: and he is afraid he’ll leave
some sign, some bruise.

Incest

This was the time when women, for nine nights,
shun union with their husbands; any touch
of man is banned. Cenchreis, the king’s wife,
has joined the throng; she shares these secret rites.
When, in her wretched zeal, the old nurse finds
that Cinyras is drunk with wine, deprived,
without his lawful wife, she tells the king
that a young girl is now in love with him;
but she does not reveal the girl’s true name –
the girl whose beauty she is quick to praise.
And when he wants to know the young girl’s age,
she says, ‘the same as Myrrha’s.’ When he tells
the nurse to fetch that girl, she runs to find
her Myrrha and, ‘My dear, we’ve won,’ she cries”

Mean-Spirited Love Spells

(Venus, in Orpheus’s song):
“I saw that I would have
to make them serve as an example: I
incited my own self against that pair.
One day, they chanced to pass before the shrine
that, to fulfill a vow that he had pledged,
Echion built: a temple for Cybele,
the Mother of the gods, a shrine that stood
concealed within the shadows of deep woods.
The pair had journeyed long; they needed rest;
and I ignited him: Hippomenes –
such is my power as a deity –
was struck with an indecent, sudden need
for Atalanta’s body.”

Big Dicks

(Large members=good luck=bad luck for theives):
Pomona feared the peasants’ brutish ways,
fenced off her orchards, and avoided men –
she never let them in.
How hard they tried –
young Satyrs, with their dancing, leaping steps
and Paris, whose horns were garlanded with pines;
and he whose years were more than what he showed,
Silvanus; and Priapus, he whose scythes
and penis are a sight that terrifies
all thieves – they tried, but they did not succeed.

Sneaky Seduction

(Vertumnus, disguised as an old woman, trying to persuade Pamona to get with Vertumnus):
“And, too, your tastes show similarities:
you tend your fruit with love, but is not he
the first to welcome what you offer – glad
to hold in his right hand your gifts of fruit?
But now he is not bent on what your trees
may bear; nor does he care for garden herbs,
however sweet the juice: what he pursues
is you alone – and nothing else will do.
Have mercy, he is burning; act as if
the plea that you are hearing from my lips
had come from his own self.”

Want more ancient erotica?
The Bible’s “Song of Solomon”

5 Super Nice Ways to Say “You’re Not Good in Bed”

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photo by Ryan McGuire

Sex is so easy, even chickens with pea-sized brains can do it. (Speaking of: If you’re looking for a hilarious and enlightening post about how, exactly, chickens do it, go here. You’re welcome. Em has a coop in her backyard with eleven hens and one very lucky rooster, and even she learned something.)

But if sex is so easy, how come so many of us get it wrong? Over the past fifteen years of writing an advice column, we have heard from numerous people, both women and men, who have been married for literally decades and are still unsatisfied in bed.

Unfortunately, saying, “You suck in bed” is not an option. Not only is it entirely unhelpful — what does it mean to suck, and how do you “unsuck,” as it were? — it’s also mean as hell. Plus, telling someone that they suck in bed is likely to kill their sexual confidence, not to mention their desire to please you in bed, for good.

That said, sometimes it needs to be said. Sometimes, someone really needs to be told that what they’re doing is just not doing it for you. So, for times like that, here are five super nice ways to tell someone that they’re scoring a zero in the sack, as far as your sexual pleasure is concerned. Oh, and you can get yourself pumped up for this gentle confrontation by checking out our Top 9 Songs About Bad Sex.

1. The Faux Casual Suggestion

Say: “I just read about something different that I’d love to try tonight.” If your partner asks where you read it, feel free to name-check EMandLO.com!

2. The Hands-On Demo

Say: “Let me show you something that really works for me.” If you’re shy of the limelight, maybe ask your partner to do the same thing, at the same time — but remember that the busier your partner is with their own hands/toy, the less likely they are to be paying attention to the specifics of what gets you off.

3. The You-First Approach

Say: “We’ve been together so long, I can’t remember the last time we talked about what we really liked in bed. Will you tell me one thing you wish we did more of when we have sex? And what about something you wish I did more of in bed?”

And just in case your partner is a complete doofus and doesn’t take this not-so-subtle hint to ask you the same question in return, you then say, with grace: “Now can I tell you something I wish we did more often in bed?”

4. The Mime

Say: Nothing. Tell your partner with your body. Guide your partner’s hips/body/hands in the right direction with your hips/body/hands. If you like a position, get into it. If you need a toy, buy it. If you want to be dominated, buy a pair of wrust restraints. In other words, don’t ask for what you want, just make it happen!

5. The Risky But Brave Move

Say: The truth. But doused with kindness. And don’t forget to blame yourself for keeping this important news to yourself until now. Something along these lines: “I feel so close to you, and I feel like I can tell you anything, but there’s one thing I’m holding back from you, and it makes me feel really bad that I’m not being totally honest with you. I would hate to think there was something you couldn’t tell me. So I need to tell you that I don’t enjoy some of the things we do in bed as much as I’d like to, and I’d like us to try some new things together that we’ll both enjoy. It’s important to me that we continue to connect romantically and sexually, and I don’t want to lose that. Can we work on this together?” Avoid making big, sweeping statements like “I don’t enjoy our sex life,” as if there’s nothing redeeming about any of it — that can really knock the wind out of someone. And try to frame things as positive suggestions — such as “I’d really like it if we…” and “One of my favorite things we’ve done/we do is…” — rather than as negative accusations: “You never do X, Y and Z!”

Want more advice on talking to your other half?
10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

When Anger Is Helpful in a Relationship…And When It’s Not

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photo via Pixabay

Count to ten before you speak, we’re often told, especially when fighting with a partner. Take a deep breath and remember you’re talking to someone you love, the advice goes. Being angry means you’ve lost control, the theory goes. But is there ever a time when you shouldn’t count to ten — when a little anger might actually be helpful? We say there is. It all depends on the context and the content of the argument. And, as it turns out, new research on business negotiations, to be published in an an upcoming issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, backs us up.

According to a report in the Times, researchers tested the effectiveness of expressing anger in three types of negotiations: (1) cooperative negotiations (e.g. starting a business with a partner); (2) competitive negotiations (e.g. dissolving a shared business); and (3) negotiations that are a balance between cooperation and competition (e.g. selling a business to a buyer). And what the researchers found was that negotiators made greater concessions to people who expressed anger — but only when the negotiation was a balanced situation. If the negotiation was cooperative, the anger was interpreted as hostile and inappropriate, and if the negotiation was competitive, the anger just caused everyone’s tempers to rise.

Sure, marriage isn’t a business transaction — but effective communication lies at the heart of both. So what we can learn about using anger in relationships from this research? Below are three situations when anger could be helpful to resolve an argument, i.e. when the negotiation in question is a balanced one. And below that are three situations when anger could actually make things worse, i.e. when the negotiation in question is either a cooperative or competitive one.

3 Situations When Expressing Anger May Help Resolve an Argument

1. You Don’t Know Where You Stand in the Relationship
Yeah, we’re talking commitment issues. Maybe you’ve been dating for months and your partner won’t give you a firm answer on whether or not you’re exclusive. Or you’ve been dating for years and your partner still doesn’t want to talk about marriage. Or you’re in your late thirties and your partner doesn’t want to discuss kids just yet. Getting angry can help communicate to your partner the degree to which this bothers you, and how you need a little more certainty in order to go forward. Without anger, this situation can sometimes drag on indefinitely, and your partner may not realize quite how necessary the clarification is for you. Warning: Insisting on defining the terms of the relationship may not bring the answer you want… but it will definitely provide the answer you need.

2. Your Partner Is Not Meeting Your Emotional Needs
Let’s say you’ve been married for decades and your partner still doesn’t have your back during extended family gatherings at the holidays. Or perhaps your partner is stonewalling you whenever you try to discuss something, refusing to engage with you on certain topics of his or her choosing. A little controlled anger can make it clear that things cannot go on like this, and you need a change. Note: According to the researchers, anger is most effective when it’s directed at a situation rather than at the person responsible for the situation.

3. You’re in Therapy Together
According to the same piece in the Times, anger is most likely to help when it is “low in intensity; expressed verbally rather than physically; and takes place in an organization that considers it appropriate.” And what better, more appropriate place than a therapist’s office? A therapist can help channel your anger in a helpful, rather than destructive, direction. In fact, if you never get angry during couples’ counseling, then we’d say you’re not getting your money’s worth!

… And 3 Situations When Anger May Make an Argument Worse

1. Your Partner Is Not Meeting Your Sexual Needs
Anger in this situation is more likely to make your partner defensive and insecure than helping them to consider your point of view. This is a much better area to approach as a team, i.e. How can we improve our sex life together? Remember, people are weird about sex. No one wants to think they’re not good in bed. So if you want to tell someone how to do sex better, you need to tread carefully and sensitively.

2. You Think the Division of Household Labor Is Unfair
The more emotional and passionate and heated you get when discussing something like who spends more time cleaning the house or driving the kids to school or shopping for groceries, the further away you’ll end up from being able to figure out, rationally and together, how best to split up this sort of thing. If you use anger, you will most likely cause your partner to angrily list all the things he or she does around the house that you never notice.

3. You’re Upset About Money
Sure, maybe you feel like your partner isn’t nearly as worried about money as you think he or she should be. Perhaps your partner is cheap. Or maybe you feel like your partner spends frivolously, or doesn’t care about long-term savings and retirement, or is too controlling over how you spend money. However money is stressing you out, anger will probably be much less effective than trying instead to express your disappointment or fear or concern instead. Angry fights about money have a tendency to turn real ugly, real fast.

Want more advice on making your relationship work?
10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

Should I Tell My Sibling What I Think of Their New Partner?

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

My sister has a long history of dating douchebags. She’s smart, beautiful, successful, but always picks losers. It’s seems to be getting serious with this latest guy — who’s low class, uneducated, crass, vulgar, sexist, conservative, ugh — and I’m afraid they might get engaged, or worse, elope. I know it’s not up to me, she has to make her own mistakes, I’m not the one that has to be with him really, etc, etc, but I worry she can’t even see the mistake she’s making because of what I can only guess is low self esteem on her part or some Jedi mind trick he’s playing on her. Can I tell her what I really think of him and their relationship, or do I have to just grin and bear it, perhaps for the rest of my life, God forbid.

— Potential Hater-in-Law

Should they be honest with their sibling?
Leave your advice in the comments section below

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 21st, 2015

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Top Chef” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather gimp suit, day in, day out. You may never have described yourself as “kinky” before now, but your latest partner is one of those “Top Chef”-watchers (we mean that in the nicest way). You are Kink Master. Your partner likes being Kink Student. Make them earn some extra credit this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we wanted to tell you to “strut your stuff” without sounding like your parents, how would we do it? (Does anyone actually have “stuff” to “strut” anymore? ) Anyway, we don’t suggest you attempt an actual strut (John Travolta was apparently the last person to pull one off, and even that’s debatable), but a gentle stroll can’t hurt.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week’s advice is very hard for us to dish out. It goes against everything we believe in, and it gets at the very core of what is wrong in so many relationships. But it’s only temporary, right? Short-term evil for long-term good? The ends justify the means? We hope you appreciate the gymnastics of self-justification we go through in order to stay in the business of advising you on your future. Anyway, here it is, we’ll say it real fast and pretend it never happened: Playalittlebithardtoget.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Uncertainties will continue to cloud your emotional decisions. Be an observer and you will gain the respect and confidence of someone who interests you. Be a self-centered narcissus who keeps talking just to hear the sound of their own voice and you will gain a one-way ticket to the German town Spaankenzeemunkee.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. Hey, don’t even think about whipping out that black leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If we weren’t such generous, kind, selfless people, we’d say, “Stop polluting the dating pool!” Your charm is raising the barrier so high the rest of us just can’t compete. Fortunately, it makes us happy when you get laid.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re on the verge of a whirlwind romance. Lucky you!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you insist that your partner go see the Maze Runner sequel with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone with good taste in movies. Or if you pressure your lover to open their backdoor before you agree to meet their ‘rents, that lover may open said backdoor all over your closet of expensive shoes before leaving your sorry ass and going back home for a nice family visit. This week, make especially sure that your actions will result in desirable equal and opposite reactions.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up–and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their decaffeinated coffee with regular.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We hope you’ve got your Amber Vision shades at the ready, because this week the stars want you to “gallantly jump into the limelight.” We’re not quite sure how one “gallantly jumps,” but you might want to wear Spandex and stretch first, just in case. The response, the stars tell us, will be “overwhelming.” That’s right, ’cause nobody can resist the power of Amber Vision.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Things you should take a chance on: growing a beard, eating vegetarian; telling potential partners that you used to be a folk singer but it made you too sad; posting your resume online; the original Danish/Swedish version of “The Bridge.” Things you should definitely not take a chance on this week: having sex with someone you barely know (yes, that includes oral); leaving the bathroom door unlocked while you rub one out in the office; waxing your butthole.

How NOT to Spice Up Your Relationship

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photo via flickr

We’ve been in the magazine business for more than fifteen years, and we are still suckers for those stupid headlines like “537 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life TONIGHT!” We just can’t help flipping to that article while we’re stuck in the check-out line. What if just one of those “guaranteed” 537 tips is neither ridiculous nor something we’ve read a hundred times before? In an effort to turn our bad habit into something worthwhile, we thought we’d break it down for you, and list ten things that are supposed to improve your sex life, and definitely don’t. And then, so we don’t depress you completely, we’ll throw in five things that do, actually, work. As with any sex tips, your mileage may vary — think of this simply as a map to point you in the right direction.

10 Things That Suck

Chocolate body paint. We know that it’s “creative,” but OMG the mess! What’s so hot about sex that has to be followed immediately by some quality time with a stain remover and a load of laundry? Plus, the taste is way overrated. If we feel like eating chocolate, we’re going to buy the real stuff, not some chemical-tasting chocolate impersonator. But be careful, because the real stuff gets super sticky and borderline painful if you try to use it anywhere besides in your own mouth.
Shower intercourse. Good luck finding — and maintaining — a position in the shower without getting a cramp, wiping out, or knocking the soap dispenser off the wall. As for finding a position that’s actually satisfying, for both of you? No chance. We say, enjoy some manual or oral sex in the shower and then move to the bed (or other sturdy object) for actual intercourse.
Food for oral. Stuff like whipped cream, jelly, etc., — anything containing sugar, basically — near a woman’s sensitive parts can lead to infection.
Licking your partner from head to toe. That’s a lot of acreage to cover with a tongue, and by the time you’re done you’ll feel like you just walked through the desert with no water. And your partner will start to feel chilly as all that saliva starts to evaporate. It’s even worse if your breath isn’t totally, perfectly fresh!
Humming during oral sex, a.k.a. a hummer. If you can pull this off — both giver and receiver — without cracking up or getting weirded out, then you’re stronger specimens than we are.
Accessorizing blowjobs and handjobs with anything besides lube. Magazines will tell you to put everything from a scrunchie to a donut to a pearl necklace to ice on his johnson. These magazine articles are never written by men. We even read one tip that a woman should put frozen grapes in her mouth before giving a blowjob. Just in case, you know, a guy gets turned on by chipmunks.
Real handcuffs. The metal, police-style handcuffs are painful and can actually cause nerve damage. Plus, good luck if you lose the key. Better to use purpose-made cuffs that are more adjustable, more comfortable, easier to undo quickly, and all around safer.
Tracing the alphabet on her clitoris with your tongue. Sure, it’s good to try different strokes and speeds and pressures. But concentrating on your ABC’s will take you out of the moment so that you’re not paying attention to what actually works for her. Remember, all clitorises are different, and even the same clitoris in your life can have mood swings.
DIY sex toys. Go ahead and use your ping-pong paddle as a spanking device. But anything vibrating or insertable should be custom-made for the job. Put down the electric toothbrush and walk away. (Yes, we’re talking to you, Cosmo.)
Novelty intercourse positions. We’re talking the “Wheelbarrow,” the “Little Dipper,” the “Pile Driver,” etc. Intercourse positions that a) make you feel like rejects from a Cirque du Soleil audition, b) can cause serious injury, and/or c) have zero chance in resulting in orgasm? Um, no thanks!

And 5 Things That Don’t Suck

Ripping off each other’s clothes. We don’t care that it’s a Hollywood cliche; it’s still totally hot. If you don’t want to spoil your fancy underwear or nice shirt, buy some cheap second-hand duds and wear them to bed. (Just wash them first, please. Otherwise it’s the bad kind of dirty.)
Embracing the dating cliches. Spend three hours at dinner and share a chocolate dessert. Hold hands in the rain. Sit in the back row at the movie theatre. Go for long walks on the beach. You don’t have to tell any of your friends what a cheeseball you’ve become, though when you see what it does for your sex life, you might just be tempted to fess up.
Faking a sense of urgency. When you’ve been together for years, you don’t necessarily feel urgent about sleeping together. It’s on tap, after all — it has been for years, and you assume it will be for years to come. This can make you nostalgic for the kind of frenzied coupling that takes place early in a relationship. But you can fake your way to this feeling. For example, instead of getting undressed before sex, make the first move while you’re fully dressed and leave some clothes on during the act.
Fabricating delayed gratification. In the same way, you can force yourselves to wait for sex, like you had to as a teen or in the early days of dating. Make out at the movies or in the car on your way to dinner. (And we mean really make out, like you never do in public anymore.) Grope each other under the table at a dinner party.
Reading sex advice manuals. Glossy magazines aren’t necessarily terrible places to learn about sex, but there’s a lot missing. For example, we were once assigned to write an article for a woman’s magazine about “the one thing men wished women did more in bed.” We interviewed a ton of guys, and the overwhelming majority mentioned a well-lubed pinkie in the backdoor. We submitted the piece, and our editor said, “Um, could you ask the men what else they’d like women to do?” Books, on the other hand, tend to be less squeamish about the details, because they’re not dependent on prudish advertisers.

Want more ways to really spice things up?:
10 Simple Steps to Fifty-ize Your Love Life

Walt Whitman’s Poem Praises Women Who Love Sex as Openly as Men Do

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photo via flickr

Walt Whitman (1819-1892) is famous for his poetry and essays, and for being a transitional figure between transcendentalism and realism, incorporating both views in his works. He’s one of the most influential poets in the American canon, and is sometimes referred to as the father of free verse. Also, he’s famous for being the author of the dirty poetry collection, Leaves of Grass, which Monica gifted to Bill. Oh, the humanity. Perhaps it’s been long enough now that we can appreciate Whitman’s sexy verse without thinking about that stain on the dress…

A Woman Waits for Me

A woman waits for me, she contains all, nothing is lacking,
Yet all were lacking if sex were lacking, or if the moisture of
the right man were lacking.

Sex contains all, bodies, souls,
Meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations,
Songs, commands, health, pride, the maternal mystery, the
seminal milk,
All hopes, benefactions, bestowals, all the passions, loves,
beauties, delights of the earth,
All the governments, judges, gods, follow’d persons of the
earth,
These are contain’d in sex as parts of itself and justifications
of itself.

Without shame the man I like knows and avows the
deliciousness of his sex,
Without shame the woman I like knows and avows hers.

Now I will dismiss myself from impassive women,
I will go stay with her who waits for me, and with those
women that are warm-blooded sufficient for me,
I see that they understand me and do not deny me,
I see that they are worthy of me, I will be the robust
husband of those women.

They are not one jot less than I am,
They are tann’d in the face by shining suns and blowing
winds,
Their flesh has the old divine suppleness and strength,
They know how to swim, row, ride, wrestle, shoot, run,
strike, retreat, advance, resist, defend themselves,
They are ultimate in their own right–they are calm, clear,
well-possess’d of themselves.

I draw you close to me, you women,
I cannot let you go, I would do you good,
I am for you, and you are for me, not only for our own
sake, but for others’ sakes,
Envelop’d in you sleep greater heroes and bards,
They refuse to awake at the touch of any man but me.

It is I, you women, I make my way,
I am stern, acrid, large, undissuadable, but I love you,
I do not hurt you any more than is necessary for you,
I pour the stuff to start sons and daughters fit for these
States, I press with slow rude muscle,
I brace myself effectually, I listen to no entreaties,
I dare not withdraw till I deposit what has so long
accumulated within me.

Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and
America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic
girls, new artists, musicians, and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-
spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and
you interpenetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as
I count on the fruits of the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death,
immortality, I plant so lovingly now.

Want some more examples of “classic” smut?
Top 5 Dirty Works of Literature You Can Read in Public

How to Masturbate with Style (If You’re a Man)

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photo via flickr

Masturbation should always be your bit on the side, whether you haven’t got laid in months; or you’re juggling two booty call partners and still finding time for the occasional one-night-stand; or you’ve finally decided to settle down. It’s not just a consolation prize for the lonely hearts. It’s not cheating on your partner, and it’s not cheating your partner out of an orgasm. It doesn’t mean you’re not getting it enough from your partner, nor does it mean you’re oversexed. And it shouldn’t be a dirty secret that you have to sneak in when your partner’s working late.

But people haven’t always agreed on this point. For many centuries, everyone just pretended that sex wasn’t meant to be fun. Then, in the eighteenth century, a Swiss physician named Tissot compounded the problem by trying to introduce “science” to the matter—he claimed that not only was sex not fun, but its resulting shifts in blood flow could actually lead to nerve damage and insanity. If sex was risky, then masturbation must have been a death wish. Across the pond, American physician Benjamin Rush bought Tissot’s line of BS and dashed off a series of inflammatory articles on the subject that scared the hands out of everyone’s pants. Throughout the nineteenth century, men wore spiked metal tubes over their johnsons and boys’ hands were tied to the bedposts at night. And here’s where it gets really good: Staunch anti-masturbationists like Will Keith Kellogg and Sylvester Graham believed that a bland diet would promote sexual restraint—and thus Kellogg’s Cornflakes and Graham Crackers were born. We shit you not.

It wasn’t until the fifties that super-sexologist Alfred Kinsey came to save the day. He stuck his tongue out at Freud for calling masturbation immature, and proved that most mature adults enjoyed the occasional nubbin rubbin’, without consequence.

Okay, okay, we’re probably preaching to the choir here. But just in case you need the help, here are four things to bear in mind during your next bout of “me time”:

1) Accessorize.

Try a well-worn soft cotton sock, an extra large condom with lube on the inside, a ski glove with satin lining, a pearl or beaded necklace, running water, a velvet blanket or a purpose-made masturbation sleeve.

2) Play with the boys.

Tug on your balls, rub them, fluff their fur, massage the nooks between them and your thighs. Press on the skin between the balls and the anus, known as the perineum (a.k.a. the taint, i.e. t’aint the ass and t’aint the balls). This will indirectly stimulate your prostate, a.k.a. the male G-spot. Or go straight to the source by sneaking a finger about two inches in the back door (please note: this won’t turn you gay if you aren’t already).

3) Want a more impressive money shot?

Abstain from any “happy finishes” for several days to build up semen steam. Drink lots of water. Once you begin a sesh, make it last for as long as possible, to increase sexual tension and arousal. But remember, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. Having a stream that can leap tall buildings in a single bound is no more a prerequisite for great masturbation than having a six-pack is. Some men may never have explosive expulsions simply because their urethral opening is not small enough to create the pressure necessary for long-distance spurting. And even those with the smallest of holes will experience a decrease in velocity with age. Them’s the facts of life.

4) Don’t stick your dick anywhere it could get stuck.

We’re talking bottles, small auto parts, mail-slots. Because once it gets stuck, it swells; and once it swells, it hurts; and once it hurts, it starts to panic; and once it starts to panic, it’s ER City for you and your choking victim. Same goes for vacuums, even if you can safely fit Him in the attachment. Because once the “on” switch is flicked, no matter how much of a dreamer you are, it will never give you a safe blowjob that actually feels good.

But above all, remember this: As long as you’re paying the rent, calling your parents regularly, and not hurting anybody, then it’s okay to be a little obsessed with self-love. If you’ve got dick burn or callused hands, it probably just means you need more lube. So spank away!

We’ve given you the HOW; here’s the WHY:
8 Reasons to Have More Orgasms

How to Introduce Your Guy to His Prostate

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The Bruno by LELO

Given how much pleasure can be found in the prostate, it’s amazing how many straight men still can’t bring themselves to try anal play. Some men worry that enjoying a little prostate massage will turn them gay, or at least girly. Others think it’s too dirty, both literally and figuratively. Still others are afraid it’ll hurt. And then there are those men who worry they’ll enjoy it a little too much!

Because of all this, the taboo has lingered well into the twenty-first century. Of course, this taboo may be part of what makes anal play so fun. But that’s not reason enough for us to let these old-school misunderstandings hang around. For the record: Enjoying anal play is as likely to turn you gay as watching Brokeback Mountain. Nerve endings aren’t gay or straight — they’re just there to make things feel good (or bad, if you do it wrong…more on that below). And if you think that being penetrated with a finger or toy is feminine, then you’re sexist. Sex is all about context, which is why almost no women get turned on by tampon insertion — and why almost no men get turned on by a doctor’s prostate examination.

So how can a guy enjoy a little prostate attention? The key is to be more prepared than a Boy Scout — you need to know your anatomy, you need to know the right tools to use, and you need to know how to use them. When you get prostate stimulation just right, your guy may well experience an orgasm that goes up to eleven — in fact, one study found that the male orgasm is 33% bigger when the prostate is stimulated. Ready to try? Here are, yes, eleven steps to get him there:

**1. Tell Him How Much It Turns You On**

Tell your guy how hot it is when he gets turned on, and tell him you’d find it so sexy to explore his ass together. It’s a nice touch to compliment his ass, while you’re at it. You could even tell him this is your ultimate fantasy, and that it would bring you guys closer together to explore this taboo together, for him to trust you in this way. For guys who are worried about what it “means” to enjoy anal play — hint: it simply means you enjoy anal play! — this might be a way to ease into the experiment. He can tell himself, “It’s not that I want to do this — I’m doing it for her.” Or if he finds comfort in numbers, then tell him that a study found that 71% of men in a relationship said they would consider a prostate massager. That all said, we’re pretty sure that after the first explosive orgasm, he won’t need these excuses any more.

2. Know How to Find the Prostate

The P-spot, also sometimes known as the male G-spot — although we think it deserves its own name, don’t you? — is the area of the prostate gland that can be felt and stimulated through the top, belly-side wall of the rectum by inserting a finger, fingers, penis, or anal sex toy a few inches inside and pressing toward the navel or the back of the pubic bone. More indirect stimulation of the gland can also be achieved by pressing up on the perineum. In fact, the Hugo (pictured just above) and Bruno prostate massagers by LELO both feature a second motor in the base to stimulate the perineum.

3. Shower Together First

This is a sexy way to allay your partner’s fears about hygiene and cleanliness. Hint: You might want to get out of the shower a few minutes before he does, to allow your guy a couple of minutes of privacy to stick a soapy finger where the sun don’t shine. A side note to men: Be sure to rinse thoroughly afterward, because soap residue can be a little irritating back there.

4. Don’t Forget the Foreplay (Or the Penis)

Treat him to lots of foreplay — you can’t simply whip out a new anal vibrator, have him bend over, insert it, and then expect him to explode in orgasm. The more turned on he is, the more likely he is to enjoy this new experience. During foreplay, you can tease him by trailing a finger between his ass cheeks, or pressing on the surface of his asshole with a well-lubed pinkie finger.

Also, while many men report being able to achieve orgasm through prostate stimulation alone, there’s no need to put this pressure on your guy — at least the first few times. So give plenty of attention to his penis. Think of it as as little Pavlovian conditioning! And hey, it still counts if the anal play simply enhances a male orgasm that’s achieved through more traditional methods (i.e. handwork, oral, or vaginal intercourse). If there’s simultaneous attention paid to his member, his penis will never feel left out!

5. Use Purpose-Made Lube

The anus is not self-lubricating (unlike vaginas and mouths) and anal tissue is delicate. As they say in the biz, too much lube is almost enough. Spit’s just not enough, no matter what you saw in Brokeback Mountain. That said, it’s best to avoid anything oil-based, like Vaseline or Crisco, since oils degrade the latex in condoms and are a huge pain to clean off bodies and bedsheets. Instead, go for a water-based lube like LELO’s Personal Moisturizer. We recommend a hand pump dispenser for easy one-handed reapplication. And steer clear of lube with numbing ingredients: Pain is a sign that you’re doing something wrong, so you’ll want his pain sensors —not to mention his pleasure sensors! — fully operational.

6. Don’t Go D.I.Y.

Unfortunately this particular region seems to encourage experimentation with D.I.Y. sex toys — and it’s the last place you should be going D.I.Y.! Our E.R. nurse friend confirms that those stories about deodorant sticks/cucumbers/action figures stuck up patients’ butts are not merely urban legends. D.I.Y. solutions are great when it comes to home improvements, but not when it comes to the back door. The anus and rectum are delicate body parts that need special care — the area is prone to tearing if mistreated, and it’s got curves that can’t accommodate certain shapes (like, say, rigid action figures) easily.

7. All Prostate Sex Toys Should Have a Flared Base

When using something other than your own finger to massage a guy’s prostate, make sure the toy was designed for bum play. A key feature of purpose-made prostate sex toys is that they have a flared base so they don’t get lost up there (because no one wants your guy to become another E.R. statistic, see above). For example, LELO’s Loki (pictured just above) has a base above the handle that’s designed to offer safety and security — and, as a bonus, the base offers extra stimulation to him, too! LELO’s Bruno and Hugo, meanwhile, are designed to be at least partially hands-free, if that’s what you and your partner want — hey, it frees up your hands for his penis! So these two anal vibrators are designed with a graduated shape, plus a 90-degree angle between the internal and external parts, to keep them firmly in place.

8. The Future is Silicone, Not Plastics

Any toy going in the back door should ideally be made of a non-porous material like 100% silicone, so it can be sterilized thoroughly (i.e. so it won’t harbor microscopic fecal bacteria). Some high-quality silicone toys designed specifically for his rear include LELO’s Loki, Bruno, and Hugo (all of which vibrate, by the way!). Oh, and if his tush doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10K, then check out LELO’s gold-plated Earl anal plug instead (pictured; it’s $2,590, to be precise).

9. His Ass Deserves the Very Best

High-quality, purpose-made anal toys have a tapered tip for smooth entry, no rough seams, and no parts that could easily break off inside him (yowza!). Ideally, the toy should be ergonomically shaped, too, meaning, for example, that it may curve to target his P-spot. Take LELO’s Loki, which has a comfortable handle for you, and for him, the neck is narrower than the tip, graduating along the contoured body for comfort and a sensuous, natural feeling. And LELO’s Hugo and Bruno both feature elegant sweeping curves and lines, and a smooth, almost frictionless silicone surface that is completely waterproof and feels amazing against the skin. Oh yeah, and Hugo and Bruno are also the most powerful prostate massagers in the world right now. So there’s that. Remember, it’s like what your mom used to tell you about your nose: just because you can stick anything up there doesn’t mean you should.

10. No Fast Exits!

Here’s something to know: While going in with a toy can be an intense sensation for your guy to get used to, going out can feel even more intense. So even if he yells, “Time out!” you should always make sure to pull out slowly and gently. He’ll thank you for your calm reaction later.

11. Let Him Be in Charge

This might be your idea, and your fantasy, but he gets to be in charge. It’s his asshole, after all! He should set the pace, and he may even want to guide the toy in with his own hands, too. If you’re the one guiding the prostate massager in, make sure you maintain eye contact at all times, and keep checking in with your partner, as you figure out the best depth, speed, and rhythm to use. Most importantly, he gets to pick out the toy! LELO offers a fabulous selection of prostate massagers to browse from. The Hugo, for example, is a great prostate massager for any level of experience, including complete beginners, with an insertable length of three inches, and a diameter of one inch at the widest point. Even better, it can be controlled wirelessly —from as far away as across the room, if you’re feeling kinky! — using LELO’s advanced SenseMotion technology. Once you two are more experienced anal travelers, you can decide whether or not you wish to graduate to the slightly more powerful Bruno (pictured just above). Both have dual motors — one in the base for perineum massage, and one in the tip for accurate internal stimulation. And both can be worn during vaginal intercourse. If intercourse isn’t on the menu, but instead prostate massage is the main meal, then consider the Loki instead — its handle offers a more, well, hands-on experience.

On a final note: If you follow these eleven steps, and do so with both love and lust in mind, we guarantee they will forever change the way you think about male pleasure.

FYI, this post is sponsored by our pals at LELO, but we’d heap praise on their high-quality toys even if they didn’t pay us to!

Hamlet Horoscopes: Sept 14th, 2015

Chime in!

still from 1948's "Hamlet"

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.” (III, i)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
“Get thee to a nunnery.” (III, i)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“Give it an understanding, but no tongue.” (I, ii)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; / But never doubt I love.” (II, ii)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“All is not well; / I doubt some foul play.” (I, ii)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“Come, give us a taste of your quality.” (II, ii)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; / God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.” (III, i)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Season your admiration for a while.” (I, ii)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“Assume a virtue if you have it not.” (III, iv)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“Beware/ Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in, / Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; / Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.” (I, iii)

Toys You'll Love

Mad Girl’s Love Song

Want more hot verse? Walt Whitman’s Poem Praises Women Who Love Sex as Openly as Men Do

1. Be Nice

2. Don’t Worry So Much About Inner Beauty

3. Be Honest

4. Be a Decent Host…Or At Least a Polite Guest

5. Be Safe

6. Don’t Be Yourself (Unless You Feel Like It)

7. Hold the Romance

8. Keep Things Light

9. Be a Grownup

10. Have Fun, Goddammit!

Want your next casual encounter to be dirtier? 5 Ways to Spice Up a One-Night Stand

1. Wear a Blindfold

2. Insert Ear Buds

3. Assign Certain Scents Just for Sex

4. Brush Your Teeth Before Oral

5. Apply New & Unexpected Textures

6. Touch Overlooked Body Parts

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Want to turn your partner’s sense of touch up to 11? A Guide to Couples Toys, from Beginners to Advanced

Not ready to give up on that playa? 5 Steps for Getting a Pickup Artist to Commit

Objectification

Longing

Rape & Racism

Homosexuality & Transgenderism

Objectophilia

Incest

Mean-Spirited Love Spells

Big Dicks

Sneaky Seduction

Want more ancient erotica? The Bible’s “Song of Solomon”

1. The Faux Casual Suggestion

2. The Hands-On Demo

3. The You-First Approach

4. The Mime

5. The Risky But Brave Move

Want more advice on talking to your other half? 10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

3 Situations When Expressing Anger May Help Resolve an Argument

… And 3 Situations When Anger May Make an Argument Worse

Want more advice on making your relationship work? 10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

Should they be honest with their sibling? Leave your advice in the comments section below

10 Things That Suck

And 5 Things That Don’t Suck

Want more ways to really spice things up?: 10 Simple Steps to Fifty-ize Your Love Life

A Woman Waits for Me

Want some more examples of “classic” smut? Top 5 Dirty Works of Literature You Can Read in Public

1) Accessorize.

2) Play with the boys.

3) Want a more impressive money shot?

4) Don’t stick your dick anywhere it could get stuck.

We’ve given you the HOW; here’s the WHY: 8 Reasons to Have More Orgasms

1. Tell Him How Much It Turns You On

2. Know How to Find the Prostate

3. Shower Together First

4. Don’t Forget the Foreplay (Or the Penis)

5. Use Purpose-Made Lube

6. Don’t Go D.I.Y.

7. All Prostate Sex Toys Should Have a Flared Base

8. The Future is Silicone, Not Plastics

9. His Ass Deserves the Very Best

10. No Fast Exits!

11. Let Him Be in Charge

Want more hot verse?
Walt Whitman’s Poem Praises Women Who Love Sex as Openly as Men Do

Want your next casual encounter to be dirtier?
5 Ways to Spice Up a One-Night Stand

Want to turn your partner’s sense of touch up to 11?
A Guide to Couples Toys, from Beginners to Advanced

Not ready to give up on that playa?
5 Steps for Getting a Pickup Artist to Commit

Want more ancient erotica?
The Bible’s “Song of Solomon”

Want more advice on talking to your other half?
10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

Want more advice on making your relationship work?
10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

Should they be honest with their sibling?
Leave your advice in the comments section below

Want more ways to really spice things up?:
10 Simple Steps to Fifty-ize Your Love Life

Want some more examples of “classic” smut?
Top 5 Dirty Works of Literature You Can Read in Public

We’ve given you the HOW; here’s the WHY:
8 Reasons to Have More Orgasms

**1. Tell Him How Much It Turns You On**