The following is the statement released by Planned Parenthood Federation of America on June 27, 2016, in response to the Supreme Court’s ruling against the ridiculous/outrageous/bananas/bullshit Texas abortion restrictions:
“We are taking this fight state by state,” says Planned Parenthood
Washington, D.C. – Today, the Supreme Court of the United States in a landmark ruling protected access to safe, legal abortion by blocking two unconstitutional Texas restrictions that threatened to close all but nine health centers in the entire state that could provide abortion for the 5.4 million Texas women of reproductive age — down from approximately 40 health centers before passage of this dangerous law. As the Court recognized, “neither of these provisions offers medical benefits sufficient to justify the burdens upon access that each imposes.”
In response, Planned Parenthood has vowed to redouble its efforts to fight restrictions on safe, legal abortion across the country. Since 2011, state lawmakers have passed more than 316 restrictions on safe, legal abortion, and have introduced 442 in the first six months of 2016 alone, according to Guttmacher. The case, Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt, was brought by several Texas abortion providers, represented by the Center for Reproductive Rights.
Statement from Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America:
“This landmark ruling is an enormous victory for women. We are thrilled the Court recognized that these laws do not enhance patient safety — rather, they punish women by blocking access to safe abortion. Yet far too many women still face insurmountable barriers, which is why we are taking this fight state by state. It’s time to pass state laws to protect a woman’s constitutional right to abortion, and repeal ones that block it. A person’s right to make their own decisions about abortion shouldn’t depend on who they are or where they live. ”
Planned Parenthood health centers in Texas witnessed firsthand the devastating impact of these restrictions when they temporarily went into effect in October 2014. Our Texas health centers wereinundated with calls from frightened and upset patients and women were lined up outside our doors in the morning, waiting to see if they can still access the care they need. Doris Dixon, a call center director for Planned Parenthood in Houston, shared a heartbreaking account of a woman who traveled from out of state and stayed in Houston overnight, only to find that she couldn’t obtain a procedure, writing: “I don’t know what will happen to her. I don’t know that I will ever stop thinking about her. And she is just one woman whose life has been turned upside down by this law.”
A PerryUndem poll commissioned by Vox found that the majority of Americans oppose restrictions meant to shutter health centers or make it more difficult for women to access abortion, and that 70 percent of Americans don’t want to see the Supreme Court overturn Roe vs. Wade.
###
Planned Parenthood is the nation’s leading provider and advocate of high-quality, affordable health care for women, men, and young people, as well as the nation’s largest provider of sex education. With over 650 health centers across the country, Planned Parenthood organizations serve all patients with care and compassion, with respect and without judgment. Through health centers, programs in schools and communities, and online resources, Planned Parenthood is a trusted source of reliable health information that allows people to make informed health decisions. We do all this because we care passionately about helping people lead healthier lives.
My bf and I have sex and it feels so amazing, but after at least 7 to 10 minutes later it begins to hurt and burn. I try using spit to help with the lubrication but that just seems to make matters worst. So how can I use lube during sex without letting him know? I’m ashamed for not being as aroused as him.
— Sa(ha)ra
Dear Sara,
First and foremost, you have nothing to be ashamed of. So stop making yourself feel bad about your totally normal body!
For women, natural lubrication doesn’t necessarily go hand-in-hand with sexual desire. You may be ready mentally, but your body could use a little catching up. Smoking, caffeine, booze, weed, stress, certain days in your menstrual cycle, and medications can all dry you up. It can happen any time, but it’ll be more common the longer you go (10 minutes is actually an eternity in penis-pumping time) and more common the older you get. That’s life!
Let us repeat: using lube to make things more comfortable is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, we recommend incorporating lube into any sexual session whether you think you need it or not! How do we love lube? Let us count the ways:
The Benefits of Lube
It just makes the sex feel better, for both you and your partner!
Adding extra lubrication means your sensitive parts can take more kinds of stimulation for longer without getting over-sensitive.
It helps prevent friction and chaffing that can result in serious soreness for you (and sometime him).
First, tell him you’d really like to add lube to your play because you’ve read/heard/know that it’ll make things feel even better and allow you to have sex for longer without getting rug burn. If his ego seems about ready to collapse in on itself (which we highly doubt will happen), then reassure him that it has nothing to do with how into him (or the sex) you are — in fact, it proves how invested you are in both because you want to make these moments as great as possible! If he’s still not convinced, forward him this post.
What Kind of Lube to Use?
Now, don’t even thinking about going all DIY with some butter (not even olive oil, yuppie). Oils can degrade latex (i.e. break the condom!) and can also encourage vaginal infections. And spit just doesn’t have the staying power you need. So when you’re a friend in need, purpose-made lubricant is a friend indeed.
When picking lube, try to aim for a higher-end, longer-lasting, heartier lubes available at a sex toy outlet like Goodvibes.com (rather than your corner drug store, whose selection will be limited). Reputable sex stores offer sampler packs to experiment with until you find the one that helps you fit together the most comfortably. Or treat yourself to a nice bottle of love that’s glycerine free, paraben free, and fragrance free like Lelo’s Personal Moisturizer. Here are some more great suggestions.
How to Apply It:
Add a few drops to your vulva and vaginal opening yourself, or to make it more fun, have him to do it. Don’t forget to apply some to his member — lube may actually make it difficult to get to the intercourse, since it makes handjobs feel so good. If you’re using a condom (and you should), you can add a drop to the inside of the condom and a lot more to the outside once it’s on. Keep reapplying it throughout the sesh as needed (a pump dispenser is great for one-handed reapplication), especially if you’re having a marathon session (again, anything longer than 10 minutes). Afterwards, it’s always a good idea to clean off properly in the shower.
Have fun slippin’ and slidin’! You’ll be wondering why it took you so long to reap the benefits of one the best, most affordable, most effective sex enhancers available!
Feminine hygiene products are essential for the health and well-being of women and girls. Inadequate menstrual hygiene management is associated with both health and psycho-social issues, particularly among low-income women. Access to feminine hygiene products has proven to be limited for certain populations, including public school students, the homeless, and incarcerated women.
Council Finance Chair Julissa Ferreras-Copeland said:
I am so proud that the Council will pass three pieces of sensible yet groundbreaking legislation which will guarantee access to menstrual hygiene products to tens of thousands of New Yorkers. For students who will no longer miss class because they do not have a pad or tampon to mothers at shelters and women in prison who will have access to these critical yet often overlooked products, this package makes our City a more fair place.
Menstrual hygiene products are as necessary as toilet paper and should be treated as basic bathroom supplies . . . Providing menstrual hygiene products privately, immediately and for free is also about sending a body-positive message by not perpetuating shame and humiliation, and acknowledging that women’s bodies, even those of women serving time in prison, deserve some dignity during their periods.
It’s about damn time there was some movement on the menstrual justice front. How many more periods do you think we’ll have before another city or state passes similar legislation?
LELO just unveiled their new re-engineered condom, the HEX. In the works since 2008, the HEX is designed to address the 3 most common complaints people have with condoms today by:
increasing pleasure
reducing slippage
decreasing breakage
LELO is calling it “the first major step forward since the reservoir tip was added almost 70 years ago.” And while there have been innovations — like polyurethane, textures, and balloon heads with extra material for added sensation — there hasn’t been as impressive a structural innovation with game-changing possibilities for condoms in that time…until now.
The Structure
Inspired by the molecular structure of graphene — the strongest, thinnest material known to science — LELO HEX integrates 350 individual hexagons through its ultra-thin latex surface to help it perform differently from other condoms today. Think honeycombs and snake scales! The design combines a 0.55mm hexagonal web with ultra-thin 0.45mm latex panels for thinness and strength combined. This allows HEX to flex and mold to the uniqueness of the wearer, while it channels unwanted stress through the structure itself. Meanwhile it’s internal texture, inspired by Formula 1 race tires, reduce the chances of slippage.
The Spokesman
When Charlie Sheen announced that he was HIV-positive in November of 2015, online searches related to HIV and condoms increased by 70-400%, a trend dubbed the ‘Charlie Sheen Effect’ by experts. “Announcing my HIV condition gave me a new sense of purpose in speaking actively on sexual health,” says Sheen, who hopes to help drive more conversations on safer sex. “That’s why LELO HEX is such an important project for me.” Watch this vid — it’s probably not the Charlie Sheen you expect.
The Scary Stats
Only 1 in 4 acts of sexual intercourse are protected
1 million people a day contract an STI
There are no less than 2 million new cases of HIV each year
STI rates are on the rise
New viruses may be transmitted via sex, like Ebola and Zika
Early this year (Feb 19), the CDC published a reminder regarding the effectiveness of condoms — when used correctly every time — in preventing unintended pregnancies, viral hepatitis, STIs and some viruses. HEX not only meets all international safety standards, it exceeds them. They also electronically test each and every condom they ship to ensure the highest quality.
The Early Adopter Deals!
LELO is offering some truly amazing deals for signing up early on either LELO.com or Indiegogo to be the first to receive a package of HEX (all with FREE global shipping when they’re mailed August):
$12 = Get a pack of 12 condoms and save $8 off the normal retail price
$39 = Get three 12 packs and a carbon fiber money clip worth $30 for a savings of $50
$49 = Get 36 condoms and a $50 gift card to LELO.com (save $60)
$89 = Get 36 condoms, LELO Personal Moisturizer and a $100 LELO gift card (save $95)
$109 = Get 36 condoms and a TOR 2 vibrating couples ring (save $90)
$145 = Get 36 condoms, LELO Personal Moisturizer and a $200 LELO gift card (save $135)
*BEST DEAL* $189 = Get 36 condoms and the gold-embellished TIANI 24K (save $269!)
$229 = Get 36 condoms, LELO Personal Moisturizer and a $300 LELO gift card (save $160)
In her first speech after securing the Democratic Party nomination, Hillary Clinton gave a powerful speech to the Planned Parenthood Action Fund in DC, slamming Donald Drumpf and reassuring voters that defending women’s rights will be a big part of not only her campaign, but her presidency. Here are the highlights from the half hour speech:
Cecile Richards, President of the Planned Parenthood Action Fund, on women’s current place in the country in her intro to Hillary Clinton:
Largely because women can now access birth control and legal abortion , we are now half of the college students, we are half of the law and medical students, there are three awesome women on the Supreme Court of the United States, there are 20 women in the United States Senate, and when the Planned Parenthood Action Fund and all of us do our work right, over the next five months we will proudly be part of electing the first woman president of the United States of America.
Richards on voting for a woman:
This isn’t about electing any woman to the White House, this is about electing this woman, Hillary Clinton.
Clinton on women being punished for abortions:
[This victory] belongs to the staff, the donors, and to the providers. Providers like Dr. Amna Dermish in Texas, who called out Donald Drumpf when he said women should be punished for having abortions. And the open letter she wrote defending her patients’ right to make their own health decisions should be required reading for every politician in America.
Her on bravery in the face of violence:
When a man who never should have had a gun killed three people at Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs, leaders in this room voted unanimously to keep health centers across America open the next day.
The CEO, the CEO of Planned Parenthood Rocky Mountains made a promise to patients in Colorado and beyond when she said: “Our doors – and our hearts – stay open.”
That is really what Planned Parenthood is all about.
On her dedication to PP:
I’ve been proud to stand with Planned Parenthood for a long time. And as president, I will always have your back.
On reproductive history:
Just think when Planned Parenthood was founded, women couldn’t vote or serve on juries in most states. It was illegal even to provide information about birth control, let alone prescribe it.
On the legalization of birth control:
51 years ago this week, thanks to a Planned Parenthood employee named Estelle Griswold, the Supreme Court legalized birth control for married couples across America.
On the positive effects of Roe v. Wade:
And not long after that, Roe v. Wade guaranteed the right to safe, legal abortion.
So young women were no longer dying in emergency rooms and back alleys from botched, illegal abortions. And this is a fact that is not often heard, but I hope you will repeat it: America’s maternal mortality rate dropped dramatically.
On women in the economy:
The movement of women into the workforce, the paid workforce, over the past 40 years was responsible for more than three and a half trillion dollars in growth in our economy.
On rates of unplanned pregnancy, teen pregnancy and abortion:
And here’s another fact that doesn’t get much attention: unintended pregnancy, teen pregnancy, and abortion rates are at all time record lows. That reality and studies confirm what Planned Parenthood knew all along: Accurate sex education and effective, affordable contraception work.
On the restrictive Texas law before the Supremes:
Any day now, the Supreme Court will rule on the Texas law that imposes burdensome and medically unnecessary requirements on abortion providers. If these restrictions are allowed to stand, 5.4 million women of reproductive age will be left with about 10 health centers that provide abortion – in a state the size of France. It is the biggest challenge to Roe v. Wade in a generation.
On conservative attacks against women’s rights:
Now, meanwhile, in just the first three months of 2016, states across the country introduced more than 400 restrictions on abortion. 11 states have defunded Planned Parenthood in the last year, cutting some women off from their only health care provider. And of course, on a national level, Republicans in Congress have been willing to shut down the entire federal government over Planned Parenthood funding.
Have you ever noticed that the same politicians who are against sex education, birth control, and safe and legal abortion, are also against policies that would make it easier to raise a child – like paid family leave?
They are for limited government everywhere except when it comes to interfering with women’s choices and rights.
Why abortion needs to be defended:
And, it is worth saying again: defending women’s health means defending access to abortion – not just in theory, but in reality. We know that restricting access doesn’t make women less likely to end a pregnancy. It just makes abortion less safe. And that then threatens women’s lives.
Donald on women:
[Donald Drumpf] actually thinks guaranteeing paid family leave would leave America less competitive. He says if women want equal pay, we should just – and this is a quote – “do as good a job” as men – as if we weren’t already.
He wants to appoint justices who want to overturn Roe V. Wade. He of course wants to defund Planned Parenthood. And he wants to go after so many of the fundamental rights we have, including safe and legal abortions. And he actually said, “women should be punished for having abortions.” Now, once he said that there was an outcry, as there should have been, and he tried to walk back his comments. He’s doing that a lot lately.
But anyone who would so casually agree to the idea of punishing women – like it was nothing to him, the most obvious thing in the world – that is someone who doesn’t hold women in high regard. Because if he did, he’d trust women to make the right decisions for ourselves.
. . . When he says pregnant women are an “inconvenience” to their employer, what does that say about how he values women – our work, our contributions?
On women’s rights globally:
But I also come to it as a former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State. And in those roles, in those roles, I traveled to parts of the world where girls are married off as soon as they are old enough to bear children. Places where the denial of family planning consigns women to lives of hardship.
I visited countries where governments have strictly regulated women’s reproduction – either forcing women to have abortions or forcing women to get pregnant and give birth.
Everything I have seen has convinced me that life is freer, fairer, healthier, safer, and far more humane when women are empowered to make their own reproductive health decisions.
And everything I’ve heard from Donald Drumpf, often seems to echo other leaders who have a very different view of women.
This post has been updated since its original posting with further links and excerpts.
The Case
On January 18th, 2015, two Swedish Stanford grad students riding bicycles late that night spotted a man thrusting on top of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. When confronted, he tried to run but one of the cyclists chased him down and held him until the police came and arrested him (you can read about their perspective here). The man was Brock Allen Turner, a star member of Stanford’s varsity swim team with Olympic aspirations, who, according to the Washington Post, was ultimately found guilty by a jury of three felonies: assault with intent to rape an intoxicated woman, sexually penetrating an intoxicated person with a foreign object and sexually penetrating an unconscious person with a foreign object.
At his sentencing on Thursday, June 2nd, the victim read aloud this letter, which has since gone viral, describing the severe impact the rape had on her. If you read nothing else about this case, read this letter in its entirety, which crystalizes how, as Planned Parenthood put it on Twitter, “Rape culture puts the responsibility of sexual assault on survivors—instead of perpetrators.” She eviscerates that culture, along with Turner, his lawyer, and the court. Her bravery, her power, and her conviction are absolutely awe-inspiring. Here are two short excerpts, the first about discovering the horrifying details of her rape online:
One day, I was at work, scrolling through the news on my phone, and came across an article. In it, I read and learned for the first time about how I was found unconscious, with my hair disheveled, long necklace wrapped around my neck, bra pulled out of my dress, dress pulled off over my shoulders and pulled up above my waist, that I was butt naked all the way down to my boots, legs spread apart, and had been penetrated by a foreign object by someone I did not recognize. This was how I learned what happened to me, sitting at my desk reading the news at work. I learned what happened to me the same time everyone else in the world learned what happened to me. That’s when the pine needles in my hair made sense, they didn’t fall from a tree. He had taken off my underwear, his fingers had been inside of me. I don’t even know this person. I still don’t know this person. When I read about me like this, I said, this can’t be me, this can’t be me. I could not digest or accept any of this information. I could not imagine my family having to read about this online. I kept reading. In the next paragraph, I read something that I will never forgive; I read that according to him, I liked it. I liked it. Again, I do not have words for these feelings.
And here’s her conclusion:
And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. As the author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you.
On June 9th, Vice President Joe Biden published an open letter to this woman known as “Emily Doe” in which he said “a lot of people failed her” and that she will “save lives” with her powerful message.
The 6-Month Sentence
Turner could have gotten up to 14 years. But Judge Aaron Persky, who once prided himself on being tough on rape, gave the convicted rapist a measly six-month sentence which, according to the Guardian, is “significantly less severe than the minimum prison time of two years prescribed by state law for his felony offenses.” Judge Persky explained his sentencing, saying in court that “a harsher punishment would have a severe impact” on the defendant, a person who “is youthful and has no significant record of prior criminal offenses.” He also said “There is less moral culpability attached to the defendant who is … intoxicated.” (So we guess if you get drunk and intentionally murder your first victim, that’s fairly small potatoes, too.)
“I would say it’s a case of privilege,” Banks said. “It seems like the judge based his decision on lifestyle. He’s lived such a good life and has never experienced anything serious in his life that would prepare him for prison. He was sheltered so much he wouldn’t be able to survive prison. What about the kid who has nothing, he struggles to eat, struggles to get a fair education? What about the kid who has no choice who he is born to and has drug-addicted parents or a non-parent household? Where is the consideration for them when they commit a crime?”
Also in the Daily News, Shaun King decried the injustice, not only against this victim, but against black people who serve longer sentences for way lesser crimes (like marijuana possession):
He will literally be home in time for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
Do you know how many young black boys and girls, sometimes as young as 13 and 14 years old, are tried as adults in court rooms all across America and given mandatory minimums of 10 years and 20 years and even life in prison? Thousands. Tens of thousands.
Mic pointed out that images used in covering the case — yearbook pictures rather than his booking photo the night of his arrest (above), which wasn’t available until after the sentencing — “expose a double standard at play in the way the media treats young, white criminals versus young, black victims of violence.”
William Wissler Graham, who helped create a satirical Onion video a while back with eerily similar details to this case and Turner’s treatment, had this to share:
This is a piece we made at The Onion when we were doing Sportsdome. I remember shooting it and wondering whether people would be able to see the joke through all the controversial stuff around it. And here it is, five years later, and it’s not a joke at all anymore — It’s pretty much real.
As one of our Facebook fans, William Mills, observed so astutely: “When life imitates art, things are usually ok, when life imitates The Onion, we’re probably about to hit a dead end as a species.”
Before sentencing, several people wrote letters of support on Turner’s behalf, including his father and a childhood friend. Turner himself also wrote a letter to the judge, which became public on June 7th; it blames the college culture of “binge drinking and promiscuity.” You can read it here in full. Many of its points are directly addressed (and often eviscerated) by the victim’s statement.
The father’s tone-deaf letter, which became public on earlier on Sunday, June 5th, asked for mercy and probation only. It offers, as The Atlantic suggested, a stark contrast between the two parties. Slate wrote that Dan Turner defends his son “with nearly every thin excuse his son’s victim demolishes in her letter; he elevates all the rape-apologist, victim-diminishing tropes she exposes as misogynist garbage.”
Countless responses to the father’s note have quickly blanketed social media. Writer and actor Ali Ozeri, in her one and only Tweet as of Monday, June 6th, made spot-on edits to the father’s letter:
If his life has been “deeply altered” it is because he has horribly altered another human being; because he made a reprehensible choice to take advantage of someone for his own pleasure. This young woman will be dealing with this for far longer than the embarrassingly short six months your son is being penalized. She will endure the unthinkable trauma of his “20 minutes of action” for the duration of her lifetime, and the fact that you seem unaware of this fact is exactly why we have a problem.
This is why young men continue to rape women.
This is why so many men believe that they can do whatever they please to a woman’s body without accountability.
This is the reason so many victims of sexual assault never step forward.
This is why white privilege is real and insidious and usually those with it are oblivious to it.
Rob Arnold, a poet and editor friend of ours from Boston, had this to say via Facebook:
Think of all the seconds in a minute, think of how long it takes to lift a shirt, how long it takes to unbutton your pants, or how long it takes for a thought to cross the mind. A second or two, maybe? Sixty seconds in a minute, sixty opportunities to think about the action you’re taking, sixty opportunities every minute for twenty straight minutes to realize the pain you’re causing, the repercussions you will face. Even if we take the twenty minute construct as fact (which, of course, it cannot be because, of course, any sustained action we take is a culmination of social factors, privileges, and lessons we have learned or failed to learn throughout our life), twenty minutes is an eternity.
Another writer friend of ours, Diane Stopyra, posted this on social media:
We put little girls in onesies that say “Not allowed to date… ever.” Why? Because it’s a foregone conclusion that boys will be boys, right? That men are dogs. LOL, you guys — what a funny punchline: we have to protect our daughters from our sons! Look at us, laughing it up over how little respect we anticipate for our girls!
Someone very close to me recently said, very nonchalantly, that all men are “dogs” at some point in their lives. He knows what dogs are — creatures that aren’t human, i.e. creatures capable of acting inhumanely. But LOL – that’s what men are!
We shrug it off. We joke about it. We condition our kids to do the same. Boys will be boys. LOL.
The father of the Stanford rapist called his son’s violent assault behind a dumpster, his insertion of foreign objects into an unconscious female body, just “20 minutes of action.” The rapist’s longtime family friend, a woman, called the whole thing a misunderstanding — said Brock isn’t a “real” rapist (just the hobby kind, presumably?) because he’s such a nice guy normally, and wow, is he ever a good swimmer. And boys will be boys, right?
If I were a man, I’d be furious about the standard to which my gender is being held. And I know there are many men who ARE furious. Thank you for using your powers for good.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could one day associate “boys being boys” with raising the bar, acting honorably, respecting women? Or, at the very least, getting consent? Anything less is pathetic and tragic.
That little boy in the “lock up your daughters” onesie is going to grow up one day, and he’s going to grow up believing what we’ve acculturated him to believe.
I’ve been drunk many times, even in the presence of promiscuous women who were also drunk, and I managed not to rape them, so I don’t think drinking and promiscuity are the problems.
This here is the problem: some guys are entitled pricks, and they’re entitled pricks because their fathers and coaches and friends taught them to be entitled pricks. Because they are entitled pricks, they think they can have whatever they want, and that their worth is defined by what they have and what they take.
Alcohol has this capacity to unlock what, deep down, we’ve always wanted to do. For me, that means, occasionally, running naked in places I probably shouldn’t, like through libraries or deserts (remember for next time: deserts=cactuses). But even at my most intoxicated, I’ve never lost sight of the fact that rape is wrong, because I was raised to know it’s wrong. No amount of alcohol can depress that value.
Brock Turner and his ilk were never taught that. They were taught that they can have what they want, when they want, including women. And that’s called being a man. Brock Turner thought he was entitled to a little “action” any way he could get it, and he thought that long before he got drunk. The alcohol didn’t introduce that thought, it unlocked it. That thought: “I can take whatever I want, including her,” was planted and watered by a whole, rotten village.
It is right that we shame him, and his father, and the friend that came to his defense, and the judge, and every other entitled prick we meet.
Just as importantly, we need to love our boys, and teach them the dignity of the body, and how to live through disappointment and confusion, and how to navigate confusing feelings, and how to separate feelings from action, and how to communicate and listen. We need to redefine for them what it is to be a man, that their worth doesn’t come from that which they have and take.
Most importantly, I did not acknowledge strongly enough the severity of Brock’s crime and the suffering and pain that his victim endured, and for that lack of acknowledgement, I am deeply sorry.
I fully understand the outrage over Brock’s sentencing and my statement. I can only say that I am committed to learning from this mistake. I am 20 years old, and it has never been more clear to me that I still have much to learn.
While the details of this case are disturbing, devastating and all too familiar, the widespread public outcry against the sentencing and the widespread support for the victim, who fought so hard and whose strong voice has been heard, are positive signs that the culture of casual yet brutal sexual violence against women is beginning to crumble.
Kids at last asleep
My wife went out to Costco
A break from laundry
— Carol R.
Congratulations to Carol, who will soon be the proud owner of a luxury Ina Wave pleasure object from LELO.com (worth $200). With so many fantastic entries to choose from, it was a tough call to make, but we settled on this haiku because it did so many positive things within such a limited space: 1) It emphasized the importance of setting aside time for self pleasure even when you’re busy, i.e. married with kids and a ton of chores to do at night because you and your partner both work during the day; 2) it portrayed an egalitarian relationship (she’s at the store while her spouse is home doing laundry); and 3) the juxtaposition of the incredibly mundane with the suggestion of a secret sexual self-tryst was just plain delightful!
THE RUNNER-UP:
No mister right now
But I need not worry how
My vibe is my plow!
— Robin
Congratulations to Robin, who’ll be receiving an elegant bottle of LELO’s Personal Lubricant. Not only does this haiku emphasize empowerming sexual independence (especially for straight women, who are too often defined in terms of their relationships to and with men), but it freakin’ rhymes! Not that that is a requirement of the haiku, but major points for poetic effort!
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Thanks to LELO.com for sponsoring this contest and, most importantly, thanks to everyone who sent in entries! Here are some of our other favorites that made picking winners so very challenging:
The Romantic:
When you are away
I think of us as one. Bliss.
Almost like you’re here.
The Sedative:
Circles of pleasure
Bring me to rapture alone.
What fun! Joy, then sleep.
— Jenna
The Good Question:
Canoodle alone?
Why not, a date with myself
Tonight hits the spot
— Aaron
The Nature Lover:
Drops of moisture form
As I touch my garden bush
Like morning dew drops
— D.
The Clever Orgy:
Threesome is good fun
The three I choose to do are
Me, myself and I
— Joe
The Surprisingly Hilarious:
Wife is sound asleep.
Rub one out…hot videos
Golden Girls mmm mmmm
— Mike
The Most Creative Spelling:
Clit press panties play
Pleasure all day evryday
Come again again
— Lola
Self-Knowledge:
When giving pleasure
It is important to know
Best pleasure yourself!
— Billie
The Wisdom of Elders:
Self love self pleasure
We would snicker as children
So much wiser now
— Dre
The Body Positive:
You learn what you like
When you practice it alone
Start flicking that bean!
Female Empowerment:
Sometimes the best 0
Is the one you make yourself
Give a girl a hand!
— YumBug
The Rhetorical Question:
New job is hectic
No social life to speak of
Does Miss Palmer count?
The MVP:
Imagination
Lets me bang the New York Knicks
Watch that game, boyfriend
So I’m recovering from a bad relationship and by luck, I just find someone new who is nurturing me to have good self-esteem and a good mindset and loves me and I love it. It’s more than what I could possibly ask for in life. Yet, he happens to have a past which worries me because:
1. He has this ex who he went out for 6 years who happens to love to say a lot of subliminal messages on Facebook.
2. He said her name in bed right after he had proposed to me.
3. He kept the conversation he had with her on Facebook (Yes, I snooped)
4. He still had her number on his phone and didn’t delete it until after I told him to do it.
He continuously keeps on saying that it was an accident, it’s all in the past, that she means nothing to him. Yet, I can’t seem to get over it. So, the question now is dump him or try to comprehend him? He claims to want to fix everything but doesn’t bother to really want to fix anything.
— I’m Sorta Lovin’ It
Dear I.S.L.I.,
We have a feeling you’re not going to like what we have to say, because we happen to subscribe to the school of thought that an ex should not automatically become persona non grata after the breakup. People can part amicably, they can remain friends — without any possibility of reconciliation. In fact, maintaining a positive relationship with an ex is imperative when children are involved. If exes with kids can do it, why can’t — and shouldn’t — the young and the childless, too?
Nothing you’ve written here convinces us that there’s anything to worry about. Unless he spends lots of time emailing with her or talking with her on the phone in a genuinely flirty or nostalgic way, especially when he could be giving you attention, then, purely based on the information you’ve provided, we think you may be overreacting:
You say he “has a past” — unless you’re dating a 13 year old, everyone has a past.
Maybe this ex is a flirt. Maybe she talks like this with all her exes on Facebook. Maybe your own paranoia is creating a green-colored lens through which you’re misinterpreting her messages. She is not your problem; your only concern is how he responds. If he’s not flirty back, if he doesn’t spend a lot of time on their friendship, then don’t sweat it.
We’ll admit, saying the wrong name in bed is really unfortunate. That can knock anyone for a loop. Not only is it humiliating to you, it’s embarrassing for them too, especially since more often than not it’s just a muscle memory mistake, a meaningless brain fart. Unless there are other huge red flags (and, again, we frankly don’t see any in your letter) or he keeps calling you whatshername, we’d try to give him the benefit of the doubt this once. (By the way, the fact that you wrote “he loves me and I love it” rather than “him” could be a more telling Freudian slip than him saying the wrong name simply out of habit.)
As for still having her number in his phone contacts, that’s totally reasonable if their breakup was amicable. Not burning platonic bridges just because the two of you didn’t work out romantically is not only karmically beneficial, it could have social or career-related benefits down the road. Maybe she hears about a great job opening that he would be perfect for and gives him a heads up about it. Would that automatically mean she wants to fuck him again? Not unless she forwards him that job listing along with a Snap of her boobs.
Regarding this Facebook conversation you mentioned: Do you mean he has a conversation in his old messages history from when they were dating? So what? It’s in the past. It’s a part of his personal history. It’s something that frankly contributed to him becoming the person you love today. Unless you’re a Kon Mari Method organizational freak who bans all previous clutter from your life, why would you expect him to delete every trace of his his past relationships and his exes’ existences? It’s like making someone get rid of all their baby pictures because they’re not young anymore. As long as he is present in his relationship with you, makes you the only romantic focus in his life, loves you, treats you well, and doesn’t cheat on you, then who gives a shit if he saves some old love letters?
Giving a shit about these kind of perceived infractions is more often a sign of your own insecurities and jealousies than of your partner’s deficiencies in trustworthiness or loyalty. Has he really done anything to deserve you snooping in his private computer history? Of everything you’ve outlined in your letter, the snooping is perhaps the most disturbing, just because it betrays how untrusting and untrustworthy you are. Also, forcing him to delete her number seems pretty controlling. Could it be your previous bad relationship is clouding your judgment, making you assume the worst, and tainting how you perceive your current boyfriend?
If by “not bothering to fix anything” you mean he refuses to unfriend his ex on Facebook, delete all evidence of their previous relationship, and pretend she never existed, then we’re not sure he’s the one that needs to do any fixing, especially if they’re just fairly distant, platonic friends now. The “fixing” may have to happen on your end if you want this otherwise stellar-sounding boyfriend who’s “nurturing” and who “loves you” to stick around.
May is Masturbation Month! Enter our Haiku Contest and you could win an Ina Wave from LELO.com, the revolutionary vibrator with the come-hither gesture for optimum G-spot stimulation worth $200! (One runner-up will receive a bottle of LELO Personal Moisturizer to help make months like May go more smoothly, if you catch our drift.)
TO ENTER: Come up with a haiku about onanism. Takes your cue from LELO by being incredibly clever, never crass. Here are the rules:
The focus of your haiku should be directly or tangentially related to masturbation.
The haiku should follow the traditional 5/7/5 syllable form.
Your poem(s) must be original work written by you.
Submit your haiku(s) via this contact form (choose “Contest” from the pull down menu), making sure to include a name or nickname you’d like as the byline of your haiku, as well as a correct email address so that we may reach you privately in case you win.
Entry deadline is 11:59pm EST Tuesday, May 31st Wed, June 1st.
Must be 18 or older to enter.
Read the fine print.*
The top haiku, as determined by yours truly, will receive their very own Ina Wave! The runner-up will receive LELO lubricant. (Please note, while you may enter as many haikus as you’d like, you cannot “place” more than once — even if your haikus kick-ass. Let’s share the wealth, shall we?)
The winners, along with any honorable mentions, will be announced via an EMandLO.com post in early June. Any winner who does not respond to Em & Lo’s request for a valid shipping address by June 7th, 2016, will forfeit their prize and a new prize recipient will be selected.
* By entering the contest, you affirm both that you are 18 or older and your work is original, and you agree both to receive occasional newsletters from LELO.com and EMandLO.com and to allow EMandLO.com to republish your haiku(s) in subsequent posts on this website, on their social media channels and in any future Em & Lo media projects in perpetuity.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we live together. In the beginning we were madly in love but then, as with most couples, things changed. We argue all the time. He runs off to Florida for the weekend to visit his friend and only tells me 12 hours before his plane departs. He spends all of my money, and is just completely rude to me. And I can’t seem to let go. Mainly because we live together and it would be such a hassle to just separate everything.
I started a job about 8 months ago and there’s a coworker there that caught my eye. I rarely see him at work because he works at another building, but during work parties and events we bump into each other. We’ve been texting and hanging out for a few months now and I feel myself just falling for him. And he already told me that he likes me more than a friend. We are very attracted to each other, and we have the same beliefs and he’s goal oriented. He has his “sh*t” together. He has his own place, has a great job and is furthering his education. He’s the one who pushed me to go back to school, and he’s been helping me every second of the way.
We have kissed and when I kiss him, I feel something I’ve never felt with my boyfriend. And I know it’s wrong, but my boyfriend and I just don’t get along. He doesn’t even tell me he loves me anymore. I swear, he just looks at me with disgust, but I can’t let go. I’m only 22 and I know I’m young and I want to so badly leave my current boyfriend and just date this co worker. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so stuck.
I love my boyfriend but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I’m sorry if this is all rambled I just really don’t know how to put this all into words. Please help, or at least some input would be appreciated.
— Having & Eating Cake
Dear H.E.C.,
You’ve already answered your own question: Your boyfriend treats you badly, you’re not in love with him anymore, and you’re basically already cheating on him with someone you like better. Whether or not you have any future with this guy at work, it’s irrelevant: you’ve got to breakup with your boyfriend and move out.
Convenience is not a good enough reason to stay in a bad relationship, only to be made worse by your cheating. You’re only 22, you’ve got a lot of living (and loving) to do. If you can’t afford living independently, get a platonic roommate. Then you can pursue this coworker with a clean conscience and without any boyfriend baggage.
And hey, if it doesn’t work out with the new guy, it won’t have any impact on your living situation! Your job, on the other hand? Now that’s another question entirely. For more advice on your conundrum, see our 6 posts below.
Good luck having your cake or eating your cake, but not both!
“We had sex.” Upon hearing a confession like that, most people would automatically assume the word “sex” in that sentence means intercourse. If you heard that confession, what would it mean to you? Did you buy Bill Clinton’s claim that he “did not have sex with that woman,” based on your definition of the word “sex”? MVP commenter Johnny recently outlined his own definition, which inspired this poll (his answer is the second option below). So let us know what you think — choose the definition below that best aligns with your own opinion, whether real-world or aspirational:
In 1991, a People magazine reporter interviewed Donald Drumpf’s supposed publicist “John Miller” to discuss his divorce from Ivana, his rebound relationship with Marla Maples, and all the attention he receives from hot female celebrities. Turns out it was actually Drumpf himself posing as his publicist — there’s no denying the Queens accent, the braggadocian style, the verbal tics. Soon after the call, Drumpf admitted it was a joke gone awry, but when the Washington Post ran the recovered audio of that interview on May , 2016, Drumpf the presidential candidate denied it was him! Below are the most outrageous highlights from the original interview:
On his dating options:
He’s somebody that has a lot of options, and, frankly, he gets called by everybody. He gets called by everybody in the book, in terms of women….I mean, they call. They just call. Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.
On Madonna allegedly hitting on him:
Well, she called and wanted to go out with him, that I can tell you.
On buying Marla Maples a ring that wasn’t an engagement ring (even though she thought it was):
This was a way of giving Tiffany [Drumpf Tower’s neighbor] some business in addition to getting Ivan — geting Marla something that would be nice.
On whether there’s any fear that Maples will spill everything about their relationship to the press:
It doesn’t matter to him. He truly doesn’t care.
On pre-nups:
[T]here’s no way he gets married without a prenuptial agreement. You understand that. It was painful but worked in the Ivana case because, you know, while it was challenged, it still ended up being upheld and worked. And frankly, she got not exactly one penny, she didn’t get one penny more than what the agreement called for. So that’s that.
On Marla & marriage:
I can tell you there was never any talk of marriage from Donald’s point of view. I can also say that Marla would’ve liked to get married, obviously, but it was just something he didn’t want to do. It’s just too soon….Off the record, he probably felt Marla wasn’t the right one… [He married her two years later.]
On Ivana telling Barbara Walters she didn’t want to reconcile:
What is she going to say? She’s going to say when he’s with somebody else and had other people lined up, is she going to say, “Yes, I want to get back. I want to get back.” You know, she’s a pretty savvy woman and she’s not going to say — I mean, he’s living with Marla and he’s got three other girlfriends, and then, and she’s not going to say, I really want to get back, you know? She wants to get back, she’s told it to a lot of her friends and she’s told it to him, but it’s so highly unlikely. That’s off the record. He left. I mean, it was his choice to leave and he left.
On not leaving one woman for another:
[Carla Bruni]’s a very successful model, etc., etc. But again, he didn’t leave Marla for her….he does things for himself. He leaves for himself, he does things for himself. He, when he makes the decision, that will be a very lucky woman. But he’s not going to do that until he makes the decision.
On Carla Bruni:
Carla is a very beautiful girl from Italy whose father is one of the wealthiest men in Europe….Eric Clapton introduced her to Mick Jagger, and then Mick Jagger started calling her, and she ended up going with Mick Jagger. And then she dropped Mick Jagger for Donald, and that’s where it is right now. And again, he’s not making any commitments to Carla either just so you understand.
On marriage:
When he meets the right woman, it’s going to be a great relationship and it’s going to be a very, you know, because he believes strongly in the marriage concept. In all fairness, he was married for 12 years and he was happily married for 12, you know, for many of those years, I guess, and he believes in it, especially in this society today, I can tell you. But he believes in it. [Drumpf is on his third marriage.]
This week, Gwyneth Paltrow launched the first ever Sex Issue on her “much-discussed” lifestyle blog, GOOP.com. It’s been a long-time coming from the homeopathic, macrobiotic, down-to-earth gazillionaire who introduced the world to the much-needed infrared and mugwort uterine cleanse. Gwynie’s saucy issue did not disappoint, with such such sage advice as investing in a $15,000 dildo and avoiding most condoms because they’re not vegan. Well, we here at EMandLO.com got the inside scoop on her secondsex issue that’s already in the works — here’s what we have to look forward to, lucky us!*
How to Join the Mile High Club When You Borrow Harvey Weinstein’s Miramax Jet
The Erotic Versatility of Miso
Don’t Listen to Your Concierge! MY Top 10 Places to Get a $500 Bikini Wax in Paris
An Uncle’s Advice for Going Through Puberty, by Special Guest Contributor Jay Z
The Ultimate Guilty Pleasure: Using a Single Pat of Unsalted Organic Butter for Fellatio
Slumming It: How to Fuck Like Someone Who Makes $25,000 a Year
Flowering Zucchini Plants Make My Heart Skip a Beat (Hello, Mother Nature’s Sex Toy!)
The 5 Worst Romantic Comedies of Reese Witherspoon
How Hand-Rolled Sushi Lessons Can Get You in Touch with Your Omanko
Making Love in the Sun Without Sunscreen or Birth Control or STD Protection Because Natural
Steam Cleaning Your Vagina Is So 2015: This Year, It’s All About Steam Cleaning Your Asshole
Conscious Undiddling: A 30-Day Masturbation Cleanse
The Best Lubricant Is In Your 41K Italian Meneghini Arredamenti Refrigerator: Vegenaise!
I just got out of a long-term relationship. I’m just wondering how long one should wait before dating or hooking up or whatever it’s called these days again…? Is there a “right” amount of time? How can you tell if you’re rebounding? Is that a bad thing or is a rebound relationship something that’s got to be had before one can move on?
— Free Agent
Dear F.A.,
There’s no hard and fast rule about when you should get out there again, it really depends on so many factors. For example, what would you be hitting the market for? If you just want to go on a few blind dates to remind yourself that there are other single people out there, and to get back into the habit of making small talk with strangers, then this might be only a matter of a weeks (or days if it was a mini relationship!).
A good rule of thumb is this: If your best friend thinks you’re ready, then go for it.
If you’re worried it might be too early but you could really use the distraction of a few dates, then set some ground rules for yourself, e.g. no more than one date a week, or, no more than kiss, or, no overnight stays, etc.
Another thing to bear in mind is your ex: If you just broke someone’s heart after five years of cohabitation, then you might want to stay away from the market for a respectable mourning period — unless you’re 100 percent sure your ex won’t find out. But dates in another county or — better yet –another country? Go for it!
If you’re the one who got dumped, then there’s no need to worry about that respectful mourning period — hit Tinder whenever you’re ready, even if it’s only a day later.
You definitely don’t want to try to leap into a long-term relationship while you’re on the rebound. This is a time for you to focus on you: your career, your hobbies, your self-improvement. Be independent for a while. You don’t have to constantly be defined in relation to another person. Also, if you try to get too serious too quickly after a breakup, you run the risk of being distracted by the fallout from your earlier relationship, constantly comparing your new partner to your ex, not being able to be fully in the moment of this new relationship. Give yourself some time to heal. Even if you don’t think anything got broken because you did the dumping, there’s still some emotional processing you could probably benefit from.
Now a brief hookup, or even mini relationship, on the other hand, can be the perfect “palate cleanser.” Especially before moving onto something more serious. Think of it a a sexual sorbet! If you’re coming out of a long-term, serious relationship, it can be incredibly intimidating to imagine ever being with someone again. You might think you’ve forgotten how to act on a date, or how to kiss someone for the first time, or how to have sex with someone besides the former love of your life. So sometimes a quickie relationship or even just a one-night stand is the best way to get back on the horse, as it were. You’re not getting into anything emotionally heavy that you’re not ready for yet, you’re just testing the waters.
Again, a good rule of thumb is to ask your best friend if they think you can handle it. It’s only fair — after all, they’re the one who’ll have to pick up the pieces if you’re a muddle of self-doubt and self-hatred at the end of it!
And just make sure in your attempt to mend a broken (or simply lonely) heart with casual sex that you don’t accidentally leave someone else with one.
