All posts by Em & Lo

Sexy Poetry: Baudelaire’s Hot Haunting by a Naughty Ghost

Charles Baudelaire was the original hipster goth-kid bad-boy romantic (yes, all of those). His provocative 1857 collection of poems Fluers du mal (Flowers of Evil) covered all the good stuff: eroticism, decadence, lesbianism, lost innocence, urban life, wine, even fashion and makeup! Basically, when you want to party, leave Henry David Thoreau’s mid-19th-century nature-loving to the birds, and hook up with Baudelaire in Paris. (You know you’re doing something so wrong it’s right when you outrage and offend the delicate sensibilities of much of the mainstream to the point where elements of your work are outright banned.)

For this spooky time of year, what better than Baudelaire’s “The Ghost,” a hot haunting of a poem. You can find the original in French here, along with a selection of various English translations. Below is our favorite:

The Ghost

41kGup0ZnzL._SX322_BO1,204,203,200_Like angels that have monster eyes,
Over your bedside I shall rise,
Gliding towards you silently
Across night’s black immensity.
O darksome beauty, you shall swoon
At kisses colder than the moon
And fondlings like a snake’s who coils
Sinuous round the grave he soils.

When livid morning breaks apace,
You shall find but an empty place,
Cold until night, and bleak, and drear:
As others do by tenderness,
So would I rule your youthfulness
By harsh immensities of fear.

— Jacques LeClercq, Flowers of Evil (Mt Vernon, NY: Peter Pauper Press, 1958)

Now you know how to have sex with a ghost. Now learn…
How to Have Sex with a Vampire

Halloween Horoscopes: October 26th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What’s the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for the oral sex to come later.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Being a stickler about guests wearing costumes to the party you’re throwing is great…to a point. Yes, when people feel they don’t have a choice, they feel less weird about dressing up — and getting everyone on board means no party poopers to make the participants feel like assholes for dressing up as Caitlyn Jenner or Cecil the Lion. But some people are so against getting outfitted, that they’d rather not attend than be forced to wear a hospital gown or a kitty cat outfit. And are you really going to turn someone away who doesn’t show up in drag? Sometimes it’s good to let things slide a little. This, of course, is a metaphor for your love life.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Trick or treat, smell your feet, give your partner something good to eat — this is the best dating advice we can offer you for this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Being a party pooper about dressing up this week probably means you’re a party pooper in the bedroom, unwilling to be creative and wacky, use props, or try roleplaying. So get thee to a Ricky’s, stat!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Plan your Halloween costume carefully this year, you might just meet someone special. Your dazzling conversation skills combined with your oh-so-witty costume are sure to win them over. By the way, borrowing your friends’ newborn so you can attend a Halloween party as a “new Dad,” thereby attracting more female attention, sounds like a better idea than it actually is.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Question whether or not you’d want a relationship with someone in a suit dressed as someone in a suit for Halloween (like, say, a lawyer dressed as a banker). And if that suit-wearing someone pays an inordinate amount of attention to you, then don’t just question the relationship–run away from it like you’ve just rung their doorbell and left a flaming bag of poo on their doorstep for Goosey Night.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re ready to turn this relationship up to eleven. Prove your commitment by dressing in drag for Halloween to be the male Cher to their female Sonny (or vice versa). Unless of course you’re an actual drag queen or king, in which case Halloween should be a casual day.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll meet a lot of people at any Halloween parties you attend. You should make the first move if you’re attracted to someone. But remember, if you have sex for the first time with someone while in costume, the outfits you are wearing may permanently determine your future relationship. Consider this before you hook up with “Ted Cruz” while dressed as Curious George.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t think of Halloween as just another holiday; consider it an opportunity to try out a new fetish. Plan a team costume with your partner and role-play later–Catholic school teacher/naughty student; cop/robber; fireman/kitten up a tree; etc. Dress as a character who will inspire you to be a little dirtier–it’s not you who likes men in diapers, that’s your costume talking! And remember: Mischief Night (a.k.a. Goosey Night) is as good a time as any to try sploshing.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can give someone a treat, but lay off the tricks — don’t lie to get laid.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Getting laid this week is gonna be as easy as trick-or-treating: Knock once, hold out your goodie bag, and watch the booty come to you. But remember, if you’re going to take candy from strangers, make sure it’s wrapped.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
That hot-hot-hot-hottie at the Halloween party may not show their true colors. Remember, the sluttier their costume, the more likely they are to be a total vanilla prude the rest of the year.

How to Have Sex with a Vampire*

1. Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.*

2. Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.

3. Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.

4. Remove any cross necklaces.

5. Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).

6. Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.

7. Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.

8. Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.

9. Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.

10. Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.

Need Halloween costume inspiration?
The 10 Sexiest Scary Movies

*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. Unless you are a serious, responsible member of the kink community who’s well-versed in the safety considerations of blood play, you should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!

One of Anne Sexton’s Sexiest Poems About Sex

When people think of successful female poets of the 20th century, it’s usually a dead tie (no pun intended) between Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton. Both were gorge, both were students of poet/professor Robert Lowell,  both were married with two children each, both pushed sexual boundaries in their work, both suffered from depression, both killed themselves by carbon monoxide poisoning, and both left incredible artistic legacies. But one fellow student of theirs describes Plath’s work at that time as “perfect” with a “virginal, unborn feeling,” while Sexton “was writing warm poems” that “seared, hot with feeling.” Sexton’s poem below, about the beautifully ironic nature of human love, seems to bear that out:

When Man Enters Woman

When man,
enters woman,
like the surf biting the shore,
again and again,
and the woman opens her mouth with pleasure
and her teeth gleam
like the alphabet,
Logos appears milking a star,
and the man
inside of woman
ties a knot
so that they will
never again be separate
and the woman
climbs into a flower
and swallows its stem
and Logos appears
and unleashes their rivers.

This man,
this woman
with their double hunger,
have tried to reach through
the curtain of God
and briefly they have,
though God
in His perversity
unties the knot.
 

Okay, we know you want to compare her to Plath:
Read Sylvia’s Ode to Young Love Here

4 Good Reasons to Use a Toy for Prostate Massage

While the scientific jury’s still out on the widely-touted medical benefits of prostate massage, one thing is for sure: healthy sex is good for you. And for many men, prostate massage makes healthy sex — and specifically ejaculation — even better. Ergo, prostate massage is good for you!

But don’t take our word for it, listen to our site’s very own urologist, Dr. Joe: “Ejaculation helps reduce stress, potentially boosts immunity, can be a mood-elevator, strengthens pelvic floor muscles, and even helps you sleep better. Within the confines of a healthy lifestyle, I cannot recommend it enough.”

Sure, you can go au naturel with some manual exploration — whether on yourself or your partner — but the right purpose-made toy can elevate prostate massage to art form. Here’s why:

1. Fingers Aren’t Ideally Shaped

Loki Wave Obsidian Black4ed250e929c1cef8da792c0d1acbd0b0They can often be too short to reach the prostate. Long or rough fingernails can be not only uncomfortable, but downright unsafe when it comes to delicate anal tissue. And unless you’ve got sausage fingers, they probably lack the girth many male rectums enjoy. Purpose-made prostate massagers, on the other hand, are made with the male anatomy in mind: they’ve got the length and curve to effectively target the prostate (and sometimes the perineum, too), and if they’re made with high quality materials like body-safe silicone (which they should be), they’ll have a smooth, seamless texture that’s gentle on the rear. And with LELO’s newest massager, the Loki Wave (pictured here & above), it can actually replicate the “come hither” gesture that 9 out of 10 prostates prefer.* Now, for the first time, he can have his very own Rabbit!

*Not a scientific statistic but an excellent best guess.

2. Toys Can Be More Hygienic

LELO_Femme-Homme_LOKI_product_federal-blue_2x_0If you’re on the squeamish side and like a little distance between your hands and your (or your partner’s) fecal matter, then the right toy can provide it. While you might enjoy occasionally employing a pair of disposable latex gloves for a little sanitary doctor/patient roleplaying with your hands, nothing makes truly dirty play more refined than a beautiful pleasure object. Just make sure you invest in one that’s 100% waterproof and made of non-porous material for easy, thorough cleaning. You might find one with a handle like LELO’s Loki (pictured here) helpful, too. And if you’re really squeamish, remember you can always use a condom on your toy* (and you won’t ever have to hear it complaining about diminished sensation).

*In fact you should do this if you’re sharing your toy with more than one person.

3. Made-for-Play Toys Are Way Safer Than Found Items

LELO_Insignia_BRUNO_product-1_purple_2x_0Emergency room horror stories of foreign objects lodged in the rectum aren’t urban legends — they’re statistically significant! Not only do gherkins, flashlights, and other items without a flared base tend to get lost in the tush when inserted, they can also do serious damage if they have hard or sharp edges or rough seams. Quality toys designed with the delicate male rectal anatomy in mind — like the Bruno (pictured here) — will be supple, ergonomic, forgiving, and will always have a flared base or an extension that prevents the toy from getting sucked into your black hole.

4. Technology Is Fun…And Reliable

LELO_Insignia_HUGO_product-1_black_2xFingers can replicate vibration, but unless you’re an Olympic thumb wrestling champion, they can also run out of steam quite quickly. Indeed, they might not have the ability, will or patience to go through a series of routines with different paces and intensities until they find just the right one for your precious prostate. So forget your fingers, let your toys do the walking! As long as they’re charged, prostate pleasure objects can offer different vibration patterns and different power intensities for hours. You can hand the separate remote control over to your partner with LELO’s Hugo (pictured here), which use their Sense Motion technology. And LELO’s newest toy, the Loki Wave (above), not only offers the “come hither” gesture so beloved by prostates around the world, it’s got a second motor in the external extension for simultaneous perineal massage, so you can get at the prostate from two different directions, one internally and the other externally — try doing that with your own hands! (You can, but it’s a little bit like playing Twister.)

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Are you down but your man isn’t so sure?
How to Introduce Your Guy to His Prostate

How These 8 Preschool Skills Can Improve Your Love Life

A recent article in the Times explained why the social and sharing skills that you learn in preschool help you succeed in the workplace — and probably more so than any of the test-taking skills you learn later on in your school life. Reading that piece, we realized that the exact same thing could be said about your dating and love life. So here are our top 8 preschool skills that you should brush up on to improve your love life (and apologies if the analogy makes anyone feel icky — remember, we’re talking about adults using these preschool skills with each other, duh!):

1. How to Share

No matter how spoiled little Johnny has been at home, or how often he beat up any siblings who came near his stuff, he’ll have to share his toys when he gets to preschool. Also, one thing Johnny learned in preschool is that bringing toys along to a playdate just makes that playdate more fun, even if you fight over who gets to use the remote control. You get where we’re going with this, right?

2. How to Cooperate

Working together is important whether you’re performing “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” or trying to figure out the appropriate amount of jealousy in a long-term relationship. Group skills will become particularly important if you decide to expand into, you know, group activities.

3. How to Take Turns

Me then you then me then you sounds like a recipe for life-long bliss to us.

4. How to Follow Simple Directions

Sex is complicated, and orgasms are even more so (especially the female kind), but there’s no reason why talking about sex should be complicated. Especially if the person on the listening end remembers how to be a good listener. Criss-cross, apple sauce, everyone!

5. How to Communicate Wants and Needs

See above — if it’s important to follow simple directions, then it’s just as important to give simple directions. Preschool is the first time many children are dropped off somewhere by their caregivers, and this where they learn to speak for themselves, ask for help, or say what they want and need. Think of how much better your love life would be if you could say these simple things without making a big deal out of it: It hurts my feelings when you say that; It makes me jealous when you do that; I don’t love that thing you do; I might like it if you did this other thing; What if we played something else?

6. How to Ask Someone to Play

Remember back in preschool how boys asked girls to play and girls asked boys to play and nobody made a big deal out of it or thought you were desperate or weird? Remember how, if someone didn’t want to play, you just found someone else to play with? Remember how good you were at finding someone whose interests matched your own? Yeah, we miss those days sometimes.

7. How to Put Away Your Toys

Imagine how much better your relationship would be if you never had to get annoyed at your partner for leaving their dirty socks on the floor or spraying the bathroom mirror with toothpaste from your mouth.

8. How to Be Polite

Good manners make the world a better place. Say please and thank you. Wash your hands before and after eating, and before and after other stuff, too. Call if you say you’re going to call. Don’t give out your number if you don’t want someone to call. If you agree to a playdate, you better show up. Okay, so maybe in preschool the rule is, “You can’t say, you can’t play,” which doesn’t quite work for adults. But, at the very least, we should work on rejecting someone nicely.

Want more ABC’s for your love life?
Everything We Needed to Know About Love We Learned from Dr. Seuss

How Do We Find Non-Creepy People for Our Open Marriage?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

My wife and I have been seriously talking about trying to find other people and couples to have sex with. Both individually and as a couple/threesome/group. The problem is that most of the people we have encountered so far are unattractive to us on a physical or intellectual level, or are just plain creepy. In fact, the creep factor is by far the biggest hurdle. It is getting to the point where we are almost ready to give up on hope that a unicorn just comes prancing through the door some day. How do we find the non-creepsters?

— Open For Business

Have any open-relationship scoping advice?
Let him know in the comments below!

Your Weekly Horoscopes: October 19th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You charmer, you. You’re generating enough heat to melt another iceberg. Stock up while it lasts — it’s going to be a long, chilly winter and you’re going to need the material.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Drink martinis (shaken, not stirred), practice your witty repartee (Hottie: “Hi, Justin Time.” You: “Yes you are.”) and pick up a few gadgets from The Sharper Image. Channel the spirit of James Bond this week (the Connery version, naturally), and you’ll have countless romantic possibilities faster than you can say “Octopussy meets Goldfinger.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
There is an art to persuasion. And this week, you are a grand master in the art of persuasion. You’re the Picasso of pick-up lines! The Van Gogh of “let’s go”! The Monet of amore! You get the picture–now get out there and paint the picture.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Love is like a hurricane. A big-time whirlwind that’s exciting and dramatic and sometimes has devastating consequences. Sometimes it’s enough to keep you inside with your bottled water and books by candlelight. But this week, you should brave the elements.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
All that time at the gym, going shoping, getting your hair cut and plucking your eyebrows won’t help you this week. Emphasize that asset that got Shakespeare, George Sands and Oscar Wilde laid: brains. It’s like Jennifer Aniston said in one of those “The More You Know” bits on NBC: “Smart is sexier than stupid any day.” (Because, you know, she doesn’t spend any time at the gym, going shopping, getting her hair done, or plucking her eyebrows.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you insist that your partner go see the latest Anne Hathaway movie with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone with good taste in movies. This week, make especially sure that your actions will result in desirable equal and opposite reactions.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Anxiety is about as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means.) If you want to fall in love/hook-up soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least, do whatever’s legal.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t you hate buying private jets? So many to choose from, so little time. Do you get the one with the three Jacuzzis or the one that matches your eyes? Whatever your criteria, don’t rush the process. Choose wisely, because this could be your last new jet for a while.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do you know why mass-market consulting firms make so much money? It’s because they have the benefit of mass-experience, thus they don’t have to create a custom solution for each company they consult. Rather, they draw on their pool of generalized solutions and tinker with the one that’s the closest fit until they hit pay dirt. Well, maybe that’s not exactly how the consulting world works, but for the sake of a succinct analogy, let’s pretend it does, okay? We don’t want to promote a mass-market approach to the pick-up scene, but if you’re having trouble acquiring your, uh, market share, get a little business-like about the whole thing, draw on your own pool of solutions (or ask your friends about theirs) and tinker until you find something that works. (Is it just us, or does “tinker” sound dirty all of a sudden?)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Okay, we know if we say “See Virgo,” you’ll feel gipped. You want your own special, personalized horoscope. That’s understandable, because you are special. But sometimes, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander (whatever that means). And sometimes, different star signs end up getting their stars crossed, resulting in very, very similar love and sex advice. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll read “Virgo” and like it.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Are you in it for the love or the loot? Yes, we thought as much.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This one time in the ’80s, a classmate of Em’s offered to finish her Rubik’s Cube for her. The concept of the Rubik’s Cube being a fun pastime and an intentionally time-consuming “puzzle” was somewhat lost on Em, so she agreed and gave up her brand-new toy for the afternoon. But her classmate simply removed all the little colored stickers and replaced them to make it look finished. The fastest way to the finish line isn’t always the most rewarding. We’re talking about foreplay, folks. You didn’t know that’s what Hasbro was trying to teach you back in the ’80s?

17th Century Poem Explains Why Love Means Nothing Without Sex

William Cartwright (1611-1643) was a seventeenth-century poet who was a little tired of all the “minds embracing minds” crap in the poetry he read. In this poem, he claims that love is basically a sham without sex (but that sex without love is still, well, sex). Whether or not Cartwright was fond of seventeenth-century booty-calling is a fact lost to history.

No Platonic Love

by William Cartwright

Tell me no more of minds embracing minds,
And hearts exchang’d for hearts;
That spirits spirits meet, as winds do winds,
And mix their subt’lest parts;
That two unbodied essences may kiss,
And then like Angels, twist and feel one Bliss.

I was that silly thing that once was wrought
To practise this thin love;
I climb’d from sex to soul, from soul to thought;
But thinking there to move,
Headlong I rolled from thought to soul, and then
From soul I lighted at the sex again.

As some strict down-looked men pretend to fast,
Who yet in closets eat;
So lovers who profess they spririts taste,
Feed yet on grosser meat;
I know they boast they souls to souls convey,
Howe’r they meet, the body is the way.

Come, I will undeceive thee, they that tread
Those vain aerial ways
Are like young heirs and alchemists misled
To waste their wealth and days,
For searching thus to be for ever rich,
They only find a med’cine for the itch.

Want something a little more romantic?
Sylvia Plath’s Ode to Young Love

37 Signs Your Relationship Is About to End

We once asked our readers, “How do you know when a relationship is about to end?” Looking back over the replies, we realized that, as a whole, their answers make a pretty good guide to impending doom. Here are our 37 favorite responses:

1.

“When I hate to see the man eat, I know things are over.” — Lovereaction

2.

“When he doesn’t have time for me. There is always an excuse. He doesn’t call me like he used to, makes up excuses, never sees me, and always expects sex, different sex than what we used have.” — Robee

3.

“When I wasn’t excited to see him after we’d been apart for a while.” — Katie

4.

“When he’s always choosing his buds over you.” — Madamoiselle

5.

“When you realized it has been two weeks since you last heard or saw the guy.” — Julie

6.

“When the power balance shifts one way or another. When one partner starts controlling the actions of the other using ultimatums and guilt rather than open communication. It often takes a while to recognize it, but I know the relationship is over if she’s changing who she is deep down for me. or is trying to change me with psychological ploys.” — Doug

7.

“When he does not call you back.” — Patricia

8.

“When you get into a fight and words you never thought that person would say come flying out their mouth!” — Nicole

9.

“When the other person no longer speaks to you in a respectful manner, and communication stops or slows to a grinding halt.” — Hopelessly Single

10.

“When he started being annoyed when I would call him at the end of the day to say good night” — Hopelessly Single

11.

“When he refuses to talk things over or listen, when everything becomes routine and when you do not look at each other with love anymore.” — Ana

12.

“When you have to wait around to get a phone call from him or wait to see when he’ll ask, ‘When can I see you?’ If you have to wait for him to ask and it’s only when he wants, then it’s over.” — Grace

13.

“When you snoop and find something.” — D

14.

“When you completely don’t trust him anymore.” — Nicole

15.

“When you find another woman you lust over. What makes it so bad, you still love the person you are with, but she can’t stand your face anymore because she knows you want to get in somebody else panties and hers too. You know she is the best thing that has happened to you, and you still want somebody else. How many men are screwed up like me?” — Ron

16.

“When you put your all in and get nothing back in return. Then the love turns to resentment. You try talking and all it ends up in is an argument.” — Tam

17.

“When you find yourself in a situation that you need your partner’s help, and they send someone else.” — Tam

18.

“When they have been in one room for hours and you finally come in, then they walk out.” — Tam

19.

“When you can’t view or use his cellphone anymore.” — Tam

20.

“If you think it’s over, then most likely it’s over.” — Britnee

21.

“When your conversations are less than 15 minutes a week, the numerous texting dwindles, and when you do talk, whether he calls or you call, he always tells you that he will call you back.” — Stefanie

22.

“When I don’t care what the hell he thinks, feels or does anymore.” — Opinion

23.

“When I prefer hanging with the girls than being around him.” — Opinion

24.

“When no kissing during sex becomes normal. When a guy stops kissing you, it’s either one of two things: You have bad breath or HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.” — Opinion

25.

“When his presence starts to irritate me and the idea of having sex makes me want to vomit.” — Lexi

26.

“When another man is catching my attention.” — Daisy

27.

“A lack of intimacy.” — Karen

28.

“The feeling of not wanting to be with him, be close to him or kiss him.” — Karen

29.

“Nagging and criticizing is one of the death knells of a relationship. Stating your opinion, when something is really bothering you is one thing, but “When are you going to….when are you going to…..you said you’d do it and here you sit, and I have to wait, when are you….’ That will drive a man away.” — Madamoiselle

30.

“When a guy calls less frequently or takes less effort with his hygiene and appearance or rarely looks at you or doesn’t answer questions.” — Madamoiselle

31.

“When he starts fights about stupid stuff, goes around LOOKING for things to get mad about.” — Madamoiselle

32.

“When the person does something that is so at odds with what I believed them to me that I no longer like them. Or when I feel ill at the thought of touching them, but those both are usually connected since if someone alienates me emotionally I won’t fancy them any more.” — Mab

33.

“When the thought of kissing him starts to nauseate me and I have to force myself to be intimate with him.” — Pepper

34.

“When I have to ask when I’ll see him next, and I start to think, ‘Maybe he’s just been really busy lately.'” — Karen

35.

“When I feel nervous about seeing him, as though we’re both ‘trying’ instead of being ourselves.” — Karen

36.

“When, after or during a meaningless fight or when seeing socks on the floor*, I stomp my foot and start thinking, ‘Or maybe we should just break up right away and everyone would be better off.’ And if this thought comes up more often, and starts to linger, and then suddenly my mind can get used to the idea that breaking up would actually not be the end of the world. Then it’s practically over.” — Trillie
* socks on floor stand for: This kind of meaningless stuff that annoys you but shouldn’t really annoy you when you’re in love and this is The One.

37.

“When I begin to feel chronically henpecked/nagged/criticized. Not just sometimes. All couples have wrinkles to iron out. But when I feel routinely set upon about stupid stuff, when trivial things start becoming fights, when instead of addressing her criticism I reply, ‘Get off my fucking back’…it’s as good as over.” — Johnny

Need help moving on?
10 Journal Prompts to Help You Get Over a Breakup

Sex Advice Bingo: Which Common Questions Have YOU Asked?

Here are the most common sex questions we get. Which ones have YOU asked?

SexAdviceBingo

Here’s another fun personality assessment:
What Your Sex Toy Says About You!

Your Weekly Horoscopes: October 13th, 2015

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Instead of wasting your time on someone who doesn’t make you happy, waste your time on yourself. Work on improving the good and overcoming the bad. You probably won’t be able to undo years of neuroses and the countless ways your parents screwed you up, but at least making the effort will give you something to focus on besides your loneliness. Plus, self-improvement (or the illusion of it) is an attractive quality to people you might be interested in.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, you may be asked to get off the fence regarding your plans for the future. If you can’t oblige this request, at least give an honest and kind explanation as to why (fear of commitment, fear of cohabitation, fear of heights). If you’re a good egg about it, you may get to straddle that fence for a few more weeks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Lucky you: it’s cliche week! . . . You can’t have something for nothing. If you aren’t willing to give you won’t receive. There’s no “I” in “team.” Think twice before you speak. A promise is a promise. Don’t shit where you eat.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You have nothing to worry about this week. No, really. Except for the recession and unemployment rates and climate change and whether or not Scott Disick will succeed in winning back Kourtney Kardashian — nothing. As far as sex, love and naughty underwear go, your life will be worry-free.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, you’ll have to grease the wheels, rev up the engine, and kick it into high gear to get the affection you crave. You may even want to splurge on super unleaded gas and an E-Z Pass. Who knows, you may end up getting lucky in the back seat.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be in an affectionate mood this week, so don’t waste it. Get in touch with someone who interests you and make a date. It’s time you took control of your love life. Kind of like Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire when she does all that cocaine with the sheiks in the fancy hotel and Judd Nelson comes to take her home and she says, “What, and waste all this good coke?” Except, in your case, you’re just high on life.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Okay, this is probably not a good a week to surprise your lover by jumping out from the bedroom closet in the near dark wearing an Eyes Wide Shut mask and a dog collar and nothing else. In fact, there probably is no good time for that. Instead, prepare your partner for a sensual night (or nights) of unbridled passion and blush-inducing lust. Set aside the time, make sex dates, send foreplay emails, light some friggin candles . . . do something.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Take it easy. The more you push someone into an intimate situation the more he or she will be reluctant, slap you in the face or press charges. Didn’t you ever hear that story when you were a kid about the contest between the Wind and the Sun to see who could get the man’s jacket off, and the Wind was all cocky and macho, boasting about its power and strength like a fraternity date rapist, and the Sun was super laid back with a big smile on its face like it had just smoked a big fatty, and the Wind got all up in the man’s face trying to force the jacket off which only made the man button up his jacket tighter while the Sun just sat back and shined and shined and quickly got the man to happily take his jacket off? If it had been an “adult” book, the Sun could have just kept shining, getting the man so hot and bothered that he had to unbutton his shirt, then pull down his pants, and then, aw yeah, slowly, oh so slowly, take off his tight, white Calvin Kleins to reveal his . . . Anyway, you get the picture.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Persistence will lead to pushiness. Pushiness will lead to loneliness. Loneliness will lead to porn. Porn will lead to more porn. More porn will lead to really bad porn. Really bad porn will lead to a warped and selfish sense of sexuality. A warped and selfish sense of sexuality will lead to an inability to maintain relationships. An inability to maintain relationships will lead to an unhappy, meaningless existence. So don’t be persistent this week and you’ll live happily ever after.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You don’t have to read women’s magazines or “How to Succeed in Business” manuals to know that body language works. What you have to remember, however, is that the language you speak has a pretty high correlation to who will listen — if you speak German, your chances of picking up a Fraulein or scoring some Wiener for dinner increase dramatically, and so on. Make sure you know what dialect your body language is speaking this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your blushing rose act can only take you so far. This isn’t the fifties, you know. At some point you’re going to have to actually express interest if you want this little eye-contact game you’ve got going on to develop into a full-blown relationship. It may seem “crass” to you, but trust us, you’ve already exhibited more than enough restraint and politesse to make your point. As Andre the Giant probably said once, it’s time to take it to the mat.

Sex Poetry: Chaucer’s Most Romantic Lines in “The Canterbury Tales”

It’s the bawdiness of some of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales that stays with you from high school lit class (literal ass-kissing? come on!). But it’s the first tale in this collection of stories told by pilgrims lodging at an inn — The Knight’s Tale – that’s quite the opposite of bawdy: a traditional romance of courtly love focused on jousts, justice, and noble ideals. It’s so romantic, in fact, two of the characters in it were the inspiration for Theseus and Hippolyta in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream. Of course, the female love interest doesn’t have much agency — these are medieval times we’re talking about. But it’s a whole lot sweeter — and less rape-y — than a lot of the other tales. Here’s an excerpt, in which the two knights imprisoned in a tower catch a glimpse of Emelye through the bars and fall hard — which swiftly puts an end to their bromance. (Bold is original, unbolded is modern translation.)

 

This passeth yeer by yeer and day by day,
This passes year by year and day by day,
Till it fil ones, in a morwe of May,
Until it befell once, in a morning of May,
That Emelye, that fairer was to sene
That Emelye, who was fairer to be seen
Than is the lylie upon his stalke grene,
Than is the lily upon its green stalk,
And fressher than the May with floures newe —
And fresher than the May with new flowers —
For with the rose colour stroof hire hewe,
For her hue vied with color of the rose,
I noot which was the fyner of hem two —
I do not know which was the finer of them two —
Er it were day, as was hir wone to do,
Before it was day, as was her custom to do,
She was arisen and al redy dight,
She was arisen and all ready prepared,
For May wole have no slogardie anyght.
For May will have no laziness at night.
The sesoun priketh every gentil herte,
The season urges on every gentle heart,
And maketh it out of his slep to sterte,
And makes it out of its sleep to awake suddenly,
And seith “Arys, and do thyn observaunce.”
And says “Arise, and do thy observance.”
This maked Emelye have remembraunce
This made Emelye remember
To doon honour to May, and for to ryse.
To do honor to May, and to rise.
Yclothed was she fressh, for to devyse:
She was gaily clothed, so to say:
Hir yelow heer was broyded in a tresse
Her yellow hair was braided in a tress
Bihynde hir bak, a yerde long, I gesse.
Behind her back, a yard long, I guess.
And in the gardyn, at the sonne upriste,
And in the garden, at the rising of the sun,
She walketh up and doun, and as hire liste
She walks up and down, and as she pleases
She gadereth floures, party white and rede,
She gathers flowers, mixed white and red,
To make a subtil gerland for hire hede;
To make an intricate garland for her head;
And as an aungel hevenysshly she soong.
And she sang (as) heavenly as an angel.
The grete tour, that was so thikke and stroong,
The great tower, that was so thick and strong,
Which of the castel was the chief dongeoun
Which was the main fortification of the castle
(Ther as the knyghtes weren in prisoun
(Where the knights were in prison
Of which I tolde yow and tellen shal),
Of which I told yow and shall tell),
Was evene joynant to the gardyn wal
Was just next to the garden wall
Ther as this Emelye hadde hir pleyynge.
Where this Emelye took her pleasure.
Bright was the sonne and cleer that morwenynge,
The sun was bright and clear that morning,
And Palamoun, this woful prisoner,
And Palamon, this woeful prisoner,
As was his wone, by leve of his gayler,
As was his custom, by permission of his jailer,
Was risen and romed in a chambre an heigh,
Had risen and roamed in a chamber on high,
In which he al the noble citee seigh,
In which he saw all the noble city,
And eek the gardyn, ful of braunches grene,
And also the garden, full of green branches,
Ther as this fresshe Emelye the shene
Where this fresh Emelye the bright
Was in hire walk, and romed up and doun.
Was in her walk, and roamed up and down.
This sorweful prisoner, this Palamoun,
This sorrowful prisoner, this Palamon,
Goth in the chambre romynge to and fro
Goes in the chamber roaming to and fro
And to hymself compleynynge of his wo.
And to himself lamenting his woe.
That he was born, ful ofte he seyde, “allas!”
That he was born, full often he said, “alas!”
And so bifel, by aventure or cas,
And so it happened, by chance or accident,
That thurgh a wyndow, thikke of many a barre
That through a window, thickly set with many a bar
Of iren greet and square as any sparre,
Of iron, great and square as any beam,
He cast his eye upon Emelya,
He cast his eye upon Emelye,
And therwithal he bleynte and cride, “A!”
And with that he turned pale and cried, “A!”
As though he stongen were unto the herte.
As though he were stabbed unto the heart.
And with that cry Arcite anon up sterte
And with that cry Arcite immediately leaped up
And seyde, “Cosyn myn, what eyleth thee,
And said, “My cousin, what ails thee,
That art so pale and deedly on to see?
Who art so pale and deadly to look upon?
Why cridestow? Who hath thee doon offence?
Why didst thou cry out? Who has done thee offence?
For Goddes love, taak al in pacience
For the love of God, take all in patience
Oure prisoun, for it may noon oother be.
Our imprisonment, for it may not be otherwise.
Fortune hath yeven us this adversitee.
Fortune has given us this adversity.
Som wikke aspect or disposicioun
Some wicked aspect or disposition
Of Saturne, by som constellacioun,
Of Saturn, by some arrangement of the heavenly bodies,
Hath yeven us this, although we hadde it sworn;
Has given us this, although we had sworn it would not be;
So stood the hevene whan that we were born.
So stood the heavens when we were born.
We moste endure it; this is the short and playn.”
We must endure it; this is the short and plain.”

This Palamon answerde and seyde agayn,
This Palamon answered and said in reply,
“Cosyn, for sothe, of this opinioun
“Cousin, truly, concerning this opinion
Thow hast a veyn ymaginacioun.
Thou hast a foolish conception.
This prison caused me nat for to crye,
This prison did not cause me to cry out,
But I was hurt right now thurghout myn ye
But I was hurt right now through my eye
Into myn herte, that wol my bane be.
Into my heart, so that it will be the death of me.
The fairnesse of that lady that I see
The fairness of that lady whom I see
Yond in the gardyn romen to and fro
Yonder in the garden roaming to and fro
Is cause of al my criyng and my wo.
Is cause of all my crying and my woe.
I noot wher she be womman or goddesse,
I know not whether she is woman or goddess,
But Venus is it soothly, as I gesse.”
But truly it is Venus, as I suppose.”
And therwithal on knees doun he fil,
And with that he fell down on his knees,
And seyde, “Venus, if it be thy wil
And said, “Venus, if it be thy will
Yow in this gardyn thus to transfigure
Thus to transfigure yourself in this garden
Bifore me, sorweful, wrecched creature,
Before me, sorrowful, wretched creature,
Out of this prisoun help that we may scapen.
Help that we may escape out of this prison.
And if so be my destynee be shapen
And if it be so that my destiny is shaped
By eterne word to dyen in prisoun,
By eternal decree to die in prison,
Of oure lynage have som compassioun,
Have some compassion on our (noble) lineage
That is so lowe ybroght by tirannye.”
Which is brought so low by tyranny.”
And with that word Arcite gan espye
And with that word Arcite did see
Wher as this lady romed to and fro,
Where this lady roamed to and fro,
And with that sighte hir beautee hurte hym so,
And with that sight her beauty hurt him so,
That, if that Palamon was wounded sore,
That, if Palamon was sorely wounded,
Arcite is hurt as muche as he, or moore.
Arcite is hurt as much as he, or more.
And with a sigh he seyde pitously,
And with a sigh he said piteously,
“The fresshe beautee sleeth me sodeynly
“The fresh beauty slays me suddenly
Of hire that rometh in the yonder place;
Of her who roams in the yonder place;
And but I have hir mercy and hir grace,
And unless I have her mercy and her grace,
That I may seen hire atte leeste weye,
So that I can at least see her,
I nam but deed; ther nis namoore to seye.”
I am as good as dead; there is no more to say.”

Want a more modern love poem? Try
By the Number 3

10 Books We’d Like to See with Gender-Swapped Main Characters

In honor of the 10th anniversary of her Twilight series, Stephenie Meyers has just released a new edition, which includes a 400+ paged reimagining of the first novel with the genders reversed called Life and Death. The purpose of the new version is to prove to the world that Bella’s character wasn’t an anti-feminist damsel-in-distress, as so many critics claimed, but just an everyday human in a world of vampires and werewolves (and, oh, Meyers fixed some grammatical errors too). So now Edward is Edythe and Bella is Beaufort (and we get to look forward to a whole new generation of babies named Beaufort). Which got us thinking: Which novels would we like to swap the genders of their main characters?:

1. Fifty Shades of Grey

Duh. Considering Fifty Shades was an erotic fan-fiction rip-off of Twilight, it probably won’t be long now until E.L. James gives her erotica series the same gender-swap treatment as Meyers. Which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, considering Fifty Shades suffered from the same damsel-in-distress problem as Twilight. Here, at least, we’d get to see a successful business woman take advantage of a naive, virginal college bro for a change — though goddess help us with whatever inane internal dialogue and verbal ticks James would instill in this fratboy sub (“I so want to fuck her in the pussy!”).

2. The Unbearable Lightness of Being

How refreshing it would be to see the main character collect male sexual partners in an offensive attempt to decipher the differences between men which, according to “Thomasina,” can only truly be discovered in the instance of their orgasm (since, you know, men are all the same). She would order her fellas to strip and pose naked, and they would all just mindlessly do it.  Meanwhile, the male equivalent of sad Sabina would be weighted down by his love for Thomasina and the world. Reminds us of the current Danish/Swedish television drama “The Bridge,” which features a female detective on the spectrum who coldly uses men for sex while her male investigative partner, overwhelmed with emotion, often cries over matters of love (Hulu it!).

3. Cinderella (or any classic fairy tale, really)

The noble princess saves the adorable prince from a life of indentured servitude by placing the found Testoni dress shoe on his unusually large foot (and you know what they say about foot size!).

4. Purity

Imagine the absurdity, in a serious work of literatooor, of a male character obsessed with men’s rights insisting vehemently that his girlfriend pee standing up in order to right the cultural, emasculating wrongs perpetuated against him by an overly feminist culture. You can’t, because that story would never get published — too unbelievable, too ridiculous. Or, at the very least, it wouldn’t get reviewed in the New York Times Book Review and be automatically considered for a PEN award.

5. Pride and Prejudice

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a husband.” Except rather than 19th century fiction, it’s a futuristic dystopian novel, in which men have been made obsolete and must desperately compete for the affections of women in order to secure financial security and avoid shame and destitution. Usually, they must submit to unhappy marriages of convenience with unloving, uninterested, busy, professional, property-owning wives while they’re stuck playing estate. True wuv is rare, which makes us all cheer when Hizzie Bennet finally snags the grumpy but somehow loveable Ms. Darcy.

6. Harry Potter

Imagine what this series would have done for the millions of little girls reading it had Harry been Harriet. A modern Cinderella story in which the abused orphan doesn’t get saved by a prince at the end, but saves the entire world herself instead!

7. Lolita

Instead of Lolita, the child is nicknamed Lolito. Instead of a literature professor, Humberta Humbert is a middle school teacher, probably in North Carolina. And instead of coining the term nymphet, the new word to describe the seductive [sic*] 12 year old would be satyret. What would remain the same is how something so disturbing could be so funny.

8. Fight Club

Think of a secret sorority making metrosexual beauty products out of biowaste and pounding each other in the face because they “wanted to destroy something beautiful.” It would be a scathing indictment of women’s (and men’s) magazines, cosmetic surgery, the fashion industry, the media’s obsession with female bodies, our culture’s youth obsession, sexism,  and misogyny. Project Mayhem’s anarchic goal would be to take down the entire beauty industrial complex.

9. Disclosure

A female employee rejects the sexual advances of her male boss, who then tries to get her fired, discredited, and professionally humiliated. That sounds like a much more realistic novel than the original. In fact, it would read more like non-fiction than fiction.

10. Taming of the Shrew

Petruchio is a very opinionated, outspoken, fiery dude. Kate is after his family’s money. So she kidnaps him, starves him, and sleep-deprives him until Stockholm Syndrome kicks in and he becomes her obedient slave. It’s not a comedy, it’s a tragedy. Actually, it’s a horror story.

 

Another way to improve a bad book? Make it a movie:
How the “Fifty Shades” Movie Is Better Than the Book

 

8 Ways to Tell If You’re in a Healthy Place on the Jealousy Spectrum

Jealousy is rarely a black and white issue, and it is rarely objective, either. What counts as jealous behavior to one person might be viewed as sweetly protective by another. And what counts as a pleasing lack of jealousy to one person might be viewed as indifference by another. Similarly, what might be viewed as an inappropriate amount of jealousy in one context may be entirely understandable in another. In other words, jealousy exists on a spectrum, and it’s not something that you need to eradicate from your life — it’s merely a matter of finding the appropriate amount of jealousy for the situation.

(FYI, we recently published an article on this site by Dr. Craig Malkin about how narcissism exists on a spectrum — and either end of this spectrum is a rather unhealthy place to be. That’s how we first stared thinking about this idea of jealousy existing on a spectrum, too. If you’re curious where you lie on the narcissism spectrum, you can take Dr. Malkin’s quiz here.)

So, how can you tell if you’re exhibiting too much… or too little jealousy? Like we said, jealousy is both contextual and subjective, so we can’t offer you any hard and fast rules. Instead, we can give you eight questions that you should ask yourself. The answers to these questions will help you figure out whether or not you’re in a healthy place on the jealousy spectrum for your current situation.

1. If the situation was reversed and my partner was the one feeling jealous, would I think they were being reasonable, or a little cuckoo?

Sometimes this is all it takes to temper your jealous feelings, by realizing that you would tell your partner they were being ridiculous. If, however, you think your partner would be insanely jealous, too, then maybe your jealousy is appropriate. Note: Couples don’t always feel jealous about the same things, or in the same amount, so this is more of a guide than a hard and fast rule.

2. If I confided in my best friend about my jealous feelings, would they say I was being reasonable, or a little cuckoo?

Again, this is just a helpful way to get a little perspective. Even better if you actually confide in your best friend — but make sure it’s a friend who is comfortable telling you hard truths, and not just someone who’ll tell you what you want to hear.

3. Is there anything about this situation that is under my control or my partner’s control?

For example, if the situation is simply the unchangeable fact that your partner has a sexual history before you, then chances are your jealousy may be crossing a line. But if the situation is that your partner is rubbing your face in their sexual past, then maybe your jealousy is right on the nose. Again, this varies from relationship to relationship, but it’s a reasonable barometer to throw into the mix.

4. Am I tempted to stalk or snoop on my partner?

If you are, we’re guessing your jealousy might be of the ugly, controlling variety. Unless, of course, your partner has given you very good reason to suspect them of something! That’s your call, not ours.

5. Do I resent my partner for their work friends/guys’ poker nights/ladies’ nights?

Huge red flag if you ask us. And you did, right?

6. Do I resent my partner for the way I feel?

We’re just asking, and you should, too. Because thinking about this can help you get to the bottom of your jealousy. Is there something you wish your partner would do differently — or do you just wish that the world was different? And do you blame your partner, or do you think the jealousy is simply a result of your own insecurities?

7. Do I want the best for my partner?

This may help tell you whether your jealousy is coming from a healthy, protective, totally natural and understandable place… or whether it’s coming from an insecure desire to control and stifle your partner.

8. Do I think my partner wants the best for me?

This can just help put things into perspective, especially if you can admit that your partner isn’t really doing anything wrong — or, at least, doesn’t really mean any harm. Sometimes it’s good to be able to remind yourself that your partner does, actually, have your back. And if they don’t? Well, there’s an answer of sorts right there.

Feeling overwhelmed by jealousy?
5 Ways to Beat the Green-Eyed Monster

Your Call: Is It Normal for Sex to Wane In a Relationship?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Does a man’s interest in having sex decrease as the relationship progresses? Does the urge to have sex decrease in men the longer they stay in a relationship? My boyfriend and I started out with no sex for the first three months, then we started having sex but only about once every two weeks. We’ve been dating now for 7 months and it’s the same rate, if not worse. He is a workaholic. I know he loves me and I trust him. But I’m just concerned how I can manage with such a limited amount of sex. Please help me.

— Burning Up for His Love

Should BUfHL expect or demand more sex?
Let her know in the comments below!