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Hot Biblical Erotica: Song of Solomon

painting from "Song of Songs Which Is Solomon's" illustrated by W. Russell Flint, 1909

The Old Testament is one racy tome, full of love, lust, rape, incest, murder, and — perhaps worst of all — masturbation (known then as Onanism). If you can make it through all the repetitive and contradictory proscriptions, unscientific explanations, and general millennia-old nonsense, you’ll be rewarded a little more than midway through with the Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs, as it’s also known — an ode to romantic love which Puritans jumped through hoops to interpret as an allegory of the mutual love between Christ and his Church, or perhaps between God and humankind. Yeah, that’s the ticket. A word of caution regarding the below excerpt: comparing your own lover’s silken hair to a flock of goats, or their breasts to twin fawns, may not have the seductive result you’re hoping for in the 21st century.

Solomon Admires His Bride’s Beauty

He

Behold, you are beautiful, my love,
behold, you are beautiful!
Your eyes are doves
behind your veil.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
leaping down the slopes of Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes
that have come up from the washing,
all of which bear twins,
and not one among them has lost its young.
Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate
behind your veil.
Your neck is like the tower of David,
built in rows of stone;a
on it hang a thousand shields,
all of them shields of warriors.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle,
that graze among the lilies.
Until the day breathes
and the shadows flee,
I will go away to the mountain of myrrh
and the hill of frankincense.
You are altogether beautiful, my love;
there is no flaw in you.
Come with me from Lebanon, my bride;
come with me from Lebanon.
Depart from the peak of Amana,
from the peak of Senir and Hermon,
from the dens of lions,
from the mountains of leopards.

You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
Your lips drip nectar, my bride;
honey and milk are under your tongue;
the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
A garden locked is my sister, my bride,
a spring locked, a fountain sealed.
Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates
with all choicest fruits,
henna with nard,
nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon,
with all trees of frankincense,
myrrh and aloes,
with all choice spices—
a garden fountain, a well of living water,
and flowing streams from Lebanon.

Awake, O north wind,
and come, O south wind!
Blow upon my garden,
let its spices flow.

Together in the Garden of Love

She

Let my beloved come to his garden,
and eat its choicest fruits.

I came to my garden, my sister, my bride,
I gathered my myrrh with my spice,
I ate my honeycomb with my honey,
I drank my wine with my milk.

Others

Eat, friends, drink,
and be drunk with love!

Want some more example of acceptable smut?
Top 5 Dirty Works of Literature You Can Read in Public

How to Masturbate (If You’re a Woman)

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photo via Pixabay

Women don’t always climax during intercourse, but they almost always do during masturbation. At least, if they’re prepared to put in a bit of practice, they do. The first orgasm is usually the hardest to achieve. It may also be mild and fleeting, but it gets way better. And once a woman has orgasmed on her own, she has a much better shot at getting there when she has company. So we’d like to share with you thirteen things every woman should know, whether you’ve never climaxed, you’d like to be multi-orgasmic, or you’re just in need of a masturbation make-over:

1) Get a mirror and check yourself out

It may sound crunchy, but the more familiar you are with what you’ve got, the better you can work it. Men have waged wars for that view; your partners find it sexy, and so should you.

2) Set aside time

Spend a rainy Saturday afternoon at home. Pull a sicky, sleep late, take the phone off the hook. If you’ve never climaxed before, give yourself an hour every few days to practice, but with no expectations of orgasm to avoid disappointment.

3) Put the moves on yourself

Light some candles, take a bath, drink a glass of wine, play that totally cheesy album you’d never admit turns you on, read the dirty parts of Anne Rice novels… It’s all about getting to (and staying in) the right mental place.

4) Warm up

If you insist on foreplay from your partners, then why not from yourself? Rub baby oil on your boobies and thighs, play with your nips, cup your vulva with a hand and rub gently.

5) Lend a hand

Use your palm. Use your knuckles. Use one hand to pull the mons tight and expose your clitoral head. Draw a circle around your clitoris with your middle finger. Make a double-handed fist and lie on it. Keep one hand on the genitals while the other goes wandering. And try a little penetration action, either throughout the sesh, or right as you climax, in your vagina or maybe even your bum. You may not need this to reach an orgasm, but then again, maybe you do.

6) Use lube

All these moves will feel way better if you’re using purpose-made lubricant. Plus, a well-lubed clitoris can usually take more attention—and this might just be the key to your orgasm

7) Do the hump

Ride inanimate objects on your bed—try pillows or balled-up sheets. Or walk around the house and grind whatever feels good—the rounded-corner of the bathroom sink, the washing machine on spin cycle, the couch arm.

8) Be a thigh master

Squeeze your thigh muscles, or rub your thighs together. Cross your legs at the ankles, cross them at the knee—or cross ’em in both places to really tighten things up—all the while doing your kegels. Some lucky ladies can get off from this alone, but even if you can’t, a little lemon-squeezing will always enhance your me-time.

9) Take a loooong bath

Lie under the bathtub faucet, use your detachable shower head, straddle the jets in the pool if you’re the only swimmer, invest in a waterproof vibrator. Just make sure the water’s not scalding hot, and don’t aim a strong stream of water directly into your vagina—this can be fatal!

10) Get your mind into the gutter

Tell yourself a dirty story and give yourself a starring role. It’s not cheating if it’s all in your mind. Try out that impossible position. Have a threeway. Have a fourway. Host an orgy. Indulge your damsel-in-distress fantasy. If you get writer’s block, use erotic novels, magazines, or films as a catalyst.

11) Break out the toybox

Some people say you shouldn’t use a toy until you’ve succeeded with your own hand. We say, whatever floats your little man in the boat. Plus, once you know what your orgasm feels like, it’s easier to get there by hand.

12) Show off your new skills

If you’ve got a special someone in your life, masturbate in the passenger seat while they’re driving—and don’t let them pull over. Or do it while they’re tied up on the phone with the office. Or while they’re tied to the bedposts.

13) Do it together

You eat together, shop together, choose wallpaper patterns together—why not diddle together? It’s called mutual masturbation, and it rocks: You do you, your partner does themselves, and you both get to watch and play. It’s simultaneous voyeurism and exhibitionism, plus it’s the best way to see what really works for your partner. Do it as foreplay, or make a night of it.

So what are you waiting for, ladies?

We’ve given you the HOW; here’s the WHY:
8 Reasons to Have More Orgasms

20 Quotes That Celebrate Sex in Old Age

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Sex in old age — or even middle age — is typically a punch line: it’s gross, it’s non-existent, it’s weird, it’s comical, it’s “like trying to shoot pool with a rope,” as George Burns once said. And though Dr. Ruth continues to fight the good fight, with inspiring self-help books like Sex After 50, she has to compete with gag books like the title Sex After 60, which is blank inside. Tracy Letts writes in August: Osage County: “Women are beautiful when they’re young, and not after. Men can still preserve their sex appeal well into old age … Some men can maintain, if they embrace it … cragginess, weary masculinity. Women just get old and fat and wrinkly.” Gag us with a spoon.

Well, Erica Jong wants to change all this, and she’s starting with her new novel, Fear of Dying, which is being billed as a sort of “spiritual sequel” to her classic Fear of Flying, and is about, yes, the zipless f&*k for old people.

“Women were not allowed to have passion at 60,” she writes in Fear of Dying. “We were supposed to become grandmothers and retreat into serene sexlessness.” (Think: Amy Schumer’s Last F*$#able Day.)

Yes, the book is getting some pretty crummy reviews. But who cares! Erica Jong is talking about old people sex, and she’s making it sound sexy, and that counts for something. To celebrate this fact, here are twenty quotes about old people sex. We hope these words make you long for some boot-knocking deep into your retirement.

Note: Not all of these quotes are explicitly about sex. There’s still such a taboo surrounding this topic — unless you’re joking about Viagra — that we were forced to select a few quotes that require you to read between the lines. Don’t forget your reading glasses…

1.

“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” — Charles Bukowski

2.

“Old people they lose their sex life and that’s not a good time. That’s why they get divorced all the time.” — Snooki

3.

“Sex doesn’t disappear, it just changes forms.” — Eric Jong

4.

“There is this giant void in the culture about women in that age group as heroines, as romantic beings, as sexual beings and as creative beings, and there’s not that void for men. Women don’t stop being all those things as their lives continue into those decades.” — Naomi Wolf

5.

“Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.” — Senator John Glenn, the oldest person to board a U.S. Space Shuttle at age 77 (reading between the lines: your body’s best-before date is when you say it is)

6.

“Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite. “– 76-year-old feminist writer Germaine Greer

7.

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” — Ann Landers (reading between the lines: sex gets better when you stop caring what people think!)

8.

“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be.” — Robert Browning

9.

“If I ever get to 100, I’d want to be filled with wonder and wild, adolescent, wide-eyed interest in newness. So let’s keep the flame burning. Let’s stop thinking everyone over 29, or 49, has to be reinforced by concrete.” — British science fiction writer Tanith Lee

10.

“Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the last time.” — Ian Fleming

11.

“Old age ought to be, and essentially is a manifestation of what is hidden in the depths of man’s nature. It might be, it should be, not an exhibition of crackling impotence and gloomy decay, but the very crown and ripening of life — the symbol of maturity, not of dissolution.” — Nineteenth century American preacher E. H. Chapin (reading between the lines: oh, come on! how else should you celebrate the crown and ripening of life?!)

12.

“Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” — Kevin Costner

13.

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.” — Comedian Emo Phillips

14.

“Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength.” — Betty Friedan

15.

“Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.” — Henry Louis Mencken

16.

“The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul.” — William B. Yeats

17.

“You have to know that an older man cannot hang from a chandelier.” — Dr. Ruth

18.

“[As people age,] the orgasmic response is less intense, and the ejaculatory response for men is less intense. Make the best of what you have. Don’t tell me it used to be like this. I know all that. Make the best of what you can do now. … If you have a washing machine in your apartment, do that together and see if the vibrations of the laundry machine and dryer can do something for your sexual arousal.” — Dr. Ruth

19.

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense.” — Eve Ensler

20.

“Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen: I’m hoping that by the time I’m seventy I’ll straighten it out.” — Harold Robbins

Still not convinced?
Top 5 Reasons Why Sex Makes You Look Younger

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Sept 8th, 2015

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photo via Little Visuals

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You hear that ringing in your head? Really, you do? ‘Cause we were just kidding about a literal noise–you might want to get that checked out. But the metaphorical ringing you hear is your destiny calling. Your one-and-only (at least, your one-and-only for this month) is in the vicinity, but they won’t hang around for long. So don’t hit the snooze button. You snooze, you lose. And also, don’t mix your metaphors and don’t use cliches.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Someone you think is completely wrong for you, for whatever reason–bad hair, bad table manners, bad politics, bad breath–is going to keep pushing. Before you write them off completely, give them a second chance and a mint.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Has the romantic lead in your life been missing their cues, dropping their lines? If the answer is yes, it might be time to give the understudy their big break.

RELATED: Why You Should Dump Someone Who’s Perfect for You

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can have anyone you want this week. Walk down the street, look around–anyone! Ride the subway . . . anyone! Browse the online personals . . . anyone! Anyone in the whole, wide world. Except your relatives, anyone you work with, people with incompatible sexual preferences, anyone more than five years older or younger than you, blondes, anyone who makes more than 10K more than you, people more famous than you, and anyone who you haven’t been introduced to by a friend yet. Now go get ’em, tiger.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Author Amy Bloom once said she always tried to resist writing as if she were on a first date: telling her standard little anecdotes with wit, preciousness, and embellishment in order to make herself seem more attractive and loveable to her listener. You should avoid such precious behavior on actual first dates.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“Communication” is our middle name. Actually, no, it’s not — that’d be kind of assinine (misspelling intended). But we do think it’s very important. If there’s something on your mind that you’ve been debating sharing with your honey, then now’s the time to spill the beans. And if not, then maybe it’s just time to share one of your deepest, darkest childhood secrets. Like that assinine middle name that your parents saddled you with that you’ve been trying to shed since birth.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Choose now or be left without any choice later . . . Oh come on, you know what we’re talking about; don’t make us spell it out.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Secret affairs usually end in tears. Secret affairs at the office are three times as likely to end in tears. However, most opportunities for secret affairs usually present themselves in the workplace. So what are you gonna do? Hey, there’s always honesty and fidelity. Call us old-fashioned, but we happen to think monogamy is underrated.

RELATED: What’s So Wrong with Cheating on My Husband?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The Prince(ss) Charming act may have fooled everyone else, but you can’t fool us. We know you’ve been tempted to abuse your power, especially romantically. Use your power for good, or else end up like a wicked stepsister (or brother).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Being in a relationship is kind of like driving cross-country — if you’re not with someone you really like, you’re better off traveling solo with a bunch of good playlists for company. Practice discrimination, patience, and rampant self-pleasure until you meet someone truly worthy of riding shotgun.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Lo’s high school “sex” ed teacher was quite a meanie with no sense of humor and an iron fist. Her face was screwed up tight in a way that suggested years of sexual frustration. Not surprisingly, no sage sex advice was ever offered. However, she did say one good thing about relationships: “You shouldn’t marry someone for their potential.” That’s the only kernel of goodness that ever came out of that lady (though what it has to do with sexual education, we’ll never know). If she were here today, she’d say the same thing about you and dating.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Let’s say you read Fast Food Nation and it changed your consumption habits for life. But let’s say someone you’re interested in is addicted to McDonald’s fries. Yes, you know the evil reason why they’re addicted to said fries because you’ve read Fast Food Nation, but this certain someone just doesn’t want to hear it. Now, even if your intentions are good, if you knock the french fries out of their hand you may only succeed in ruining a relationship and being the direct cause of even more evil french fries being bought.

RELATED: How to Help Your Vagina Smell and Taste Better

Poem About Early 20th-Century Casual Sex by Edna St. Vincent Millay

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photo via Wikimedia Commons

Edna St. Vincent Millay, born in 1892, was only the third woman to win the Pulitzer Prize for poetry (in 1923), and she is famous both for her feminist activism and also for her bisexuality and open marriage: her husband of twenty-six years was a self-proclaimed feminist who took on most domestic responsibilities so she could write. What’s not to love? Millay wrote openly about female sexuality, and in this poem she explores — nearly a hundred years before the rest of us started talking about booty calls and beer goggles, mind you — the idea of craving a man for his body but not his mind.

I, Being Born a Woman, and Distressed
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I, being born a woman, and distressed
By all the needs and notions of my kind,
Am urged by your propinquity to find
Your person fair, and feel a certain zest
To bear your body’s weight upon my breast:
So subtly is the fume of life designed,
To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind,
And leave me once again undone, possessed.
Think not for this, however, this poor treason
Of my stout blood against my staggering brain,
I shall remember you with love, or season
My scorn with pity — let me make it plain:
I find this frenzy insufficient reason
For conversation when we meet again.

Want to make this poetry thing permanent?
20 Sexy Poem Quotes to Tattoo On Your Body

Why This Pope Is Better for Women Than Republicans

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photo via Pixabay

Let’s begin with a qualifier: us saying the Pope is better for women than Republicans does not mean we think the Pope is some new progressive superhero. He’s got 2000 years of dogmatic baggage to contend with. He believes people — including those in third world countries where HIV and overpopulation are serious problems — shouldn’t use artificial means of birth control (condoms, the Pill, etc). Abortion, premarital sex, gay marriage are all still no-no’s. He is Catholic, after all. But what’s made Pope Francis the crush of the decade for so many liberals (including atheists like Bill Maher) is his willingness to consider the vastness of people’s experiences, to see the other side of things, to at least try not to judge, and to give up the black & white for, if not fifty, then at least a few shades of grey.

Let’s take his latest decree: for the Church’s upcoming Jubilee celebration (which will read “The Year of Mercy” on the tour t-shirts) from December 2015 through November 2016, the Pope is granting all priests the power to forgive women who have terminated unwanted or unsafe pregnancies (it usually takes a bishop for that kind of heavy lifting). It’s like the Holy Roman Empire is having a sale on abortion forgiveness! For a limited time only, you too can save your soul from eternal damnation, but you’ve got to act fast! This offer with participating priests expires on November 26th of next year. See your local clergyman for details.

Leaving alone the the absurdity of the idea that only a handful of men will now have the divine power to absolve the sin of abortion for repentant Catholic women on Saturday, November 26th but not on Sunday, Nov 27th, we can still at least appreciate the gesture. The pope wrote in a letter on the topic on September 1st, 2015, “I know that it is an existential and moral ordeal. I have met so many women who bear in their heart the scar of this agonizing and painful decision. What has happened is profoundly unjust; yet only understanding the truth of it can enable one not to lose hope. The forgiveness of God cannot be denied to one who has repented…”

He’s made it clear: abortion is still wrong in the eyes of the Church and God. But by emphasizing reconciliation over excommunication, mercy over punishment, forgiveness over judgement, all through the prism of empathy for the plights of countless women, he’s indirectly and perhaps inadvertently giving them some credit for their own tough choices. He’s offering a little wiggle room. It’s as if he’s saying, “Let’s not be total dicks about this.”

Compare this to the incredibly callous, hardline approach to abortion that not one, not two, but at least four Republican presidential candidates have taken: Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Marco Rubio and Scott Walker think abortion should be outlawed in all circumstances, with no exceptions for rape or incest, and according to Rubio and Walker, no exceptions for even the health — indeed, the life — of the mother. Let’s unpack this a bit, as philosopher Sam Harris did in a recent podcast: this means that if an 11 eleven year old were raped and impregnated by her father with very good chances that either she or the fetus would die of complications, Rubio and Walker still believe the little girl should be forced to see the pregnancy through to its natural end. They believe a few cells are not just as important, but more important, than the 11 year old. Because God.

By explaining the mysterious and setting the ground rules, religion gives people comfort and purpose in a vast, chaotic universe. But its myopathy and stubbornness in the face of facts and reason have led to more harm than good. This is the 21st century, a golden age of science and innovation, and yet four viable candidates for president of the United States steadfastly believe zygotes have the same rights, if not more, than young women. It’s a sexist affront to women, reified by the fact that the majority of those running have voted against equal pay laws. Rick Santorum has said contraception “is not okay“; Huckabee thinks the government giving women access to affordable birth control means it thinks women “cannot control their libido.” Republicans are threatening to shut down the government in order to defund the one organization that does more to reduce unwanted pregnancies and prevent abortions than any other in the country. The state of Texas has already gone there, denying 147,000 low-income women their only source of medical care, with another 130,000 more at risk for losing care in the near future: we’re talking family planning, well checkups, STD tests, breast and cervical cancer screenings (a whopping 90+ percent of what Planned Parenthood does!). You’d expect this kind of stuff from a pope, but not from political leaders in a country founded on the separation of church and state.

And while Pope Francis is no liberal, he’s at least willing to tone down the rhetoric: He may not believe in artificial contraception, but he’s down with the rhythm method and doesn’t want you spawning “like rabbits” (he’s talking to you, the Duggars); he may not believe in gay marriage, but he’s open to some kinds of civil unions; he wants other Catholic leaders to stop focusing on abortion, contraception and gay issues, saying “it is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time”; in that same interview, he said, “I’ve never been a right winger.” (And we haven’t even touched on his call for action on climate change!)

Sure, Frank is trying to sell Catholicism to a wider audience by playing down its most divisive teachings. Some might call that cynical (“Just ignore the Man behind the curtain”). We’d call it more inclusive, moderate, open-minded and modern. The Republican presidential candidates, on the other hand, are trying to appeal to their evangelical base by playing up the most divisive issues, which is definitely cynical. We think the Pope’s got the better method for winning over the greatest number of hearts: use honey, not vinegar.

Did we go too easy on the Church? Check out:
Stephen Fry on the Catholic Church’s Obsession with Sex

10 Myths About Labia Debunked

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photo via Pixabay

Pity the poor labia — they’re more hated on than the Kardashian sisters. Here we debunk ten commons myths about them, to help you the love the labia in your life a little more.

MYTH #1: Most women have a matching pair.

FACT: Most women have different sized labia — exact symmetry is rare in nature — in the same way that most people have one foot that’s bigger than the other. In other words, a matching pair is the exception, not the rule. Believe the scientific evidence and the awesomely inspiring online photo libraries of real labia, like this one (NSFW), not some random dude gossiping in the locker room about his sexual “conquests.”

MYTH #2: Labia are part of the vagina.

FACT: The labial “lips” are part of a woman’s vulva; the vulva is the outer part of a woman’s genital structure. Labia are the inner and outer lips of the vulva. The vagina is the inner canal, where penises, fingers, and sex toys go in, and babies come out.

MYTH #3: Large labia are freakish and unattractive to men.

FACT: Have you visited the (NSFW) Tumblr Large Labia Project lately? “Large labia” is kind of a misnomer, in fact, because what most women perceive as being “large” are actually perfectly average-sized lips. For the record (stats thanks to the Large Labia Project, also), the average labia minora is 3.2cm, or 1 3/8 inches wide, and approximately 154,000,000 people have labia minora over 8.6cm (3 1/2 inches) wide — which is more than the entire populations of the United Kingdom, France, and Canada combined. Finally, as far as attraction goes: immature junior high boys and asshole frat guys joke about roast beef curtains. Real men don’t give a f*&#.

MYTH #4: The inner labia shouldn’t protrude beyond the outer labia.

FACT: About fifty percent of women have protruding inner labia. And yes, in case you need clarification: fifty percent is the same as half. We can blame the Latin terminology for these body parts (labia majora and labia minora) for perpetuating this myth. Oh, and porn too. One fascinating though NSFW investigation found that labiaplasty has been on the rise because of rules throughout the world on what is too obscene for print; apparently, protruding inner labia is too graphic and gets photoshopped out.

MYTH #5: Masturbation causes the labia to stretch and increase in size.

FACT: Sexual stimulation can temporarily cause the labia to swell along with the clitoris — the outer labia separate and the inner labia enlarge. Most women think that’s a good thing, especially when those enlarged and separated labia rub against the clitoris for increased stimulation!

MYTH #6: “Too much” sex makes labia stretch and increase in size.

FACT: See above. So, no, you can’t tell a woman’s sexual history by “reading” her labia. According to this awesome blog post, this kind of ass-backward thinking “stems from the European colonial occupation of Africa in the early 1800s, and any examination of the topic needs to be viewed through the prism of the massive superiority complex surrounding European civilization that existed then.” In other words, the attitude is about as outdated as slavery.

MYTH #7: “Normal” labia are as delicate and pale pink as Molly Ringwald’s prom dress.

FACT: There’s no such thing as normal labia — there’s just too much diversity in the way women look down there. They’re as unique as snowflakes! The inner labia can be pink…but they can also be dark red or purple or brown or black. Sometimes they’re the same color as a woman’s skin, and other times they’re lighter or darker, just like the lips on a woman’s face. And again, like lips on a face, sometimes they’re thin, sometimes they’re thick — it depends on the pair you were born with. If you want to see real labia that haven’t been air-brushed, check out this (NSFW) gallery.

MYTH #8: Porn stars are naturally blessed with pale pink, neat and tidy labia.

FACT: Porn stars and other women who make a living from their vulvas often undergo a complicated and risky surgery called labiaplasty to look like a Barbie doll or a small girl. In nude photographs, women’s labia are often digitally shortened via Photoshop or airbrushed out completely. Yep, even the freakin’ labia aren’t safe from Photoshop these days!

MYTH #9: Labiaplasty is totally safe.

FACT: According to the New View Campaign (a grassroots campaign to “challenge the distorted and oversimplified messages about sexuality that the pharmaceutical industry relies on to sell its new drugs”), the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) issued a statement saying that most female genital cosmetic surgical procedures are not medically indicated, were ethically questionable, and are not standardized, routine or acceptable. Risks of labiaplasty include scarring, numbness, pain, asymmetry (ironic, we know), discoloration of the labia (ditto), an abnormal appearance to the skin along the edge of the labia, and reduced sexual pleasure (see next myth). Remember, plastic and cosmetic surgeons make a living off of women’s insecurities about their bodies. If you want to discuss your labia with a true professional, talk to your gynecologist instead. They see vulvas every day, and don’t have a vested interest in making you feel bad about your vulva.

MYTH #10: Labia just get in the way.

FACT: Labia do a great job protecting your vagina, and they’re also chock full of nerve endings that provide sensation and lubrication during sex. In fact, the larger the labia, the more likely they are to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse! So. There.

Need more reassurance?
10 Reasons Your “Ugly” Vagina Is Normal and Gorgeous

LELO on a Budget: The Best Sex Toys Under $100

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photo of MIA 2 via LELO

It’s no secret LELO is our favorite maker of pleasure objects in the entire world (and not just because they’re our sponsor!). They make high quality products that are designed to both look and feel wonderful. Put simply: LELO elevates sex.

But quality ain’t cheap. We think it’s worth saving a bit and investing in a toy you’ll love and cherish for a while (it’s way more rewarding than blowing your hard earned money on a piece of jewelry — after all, a necklace won’t give you an orgasm).

But if times are tough, or you’d just like to give yourself or your loved one a little gift, LELO offers plenty of ways to affordably elevate your sex life. Fourteen ways in fact. Here they are, listed in order of affordability:

LELO (Toy) Cleaning Spray

Containing anti-viral and anti-fungal properties within a pH balanced formula that’s alcohol- and silicone-free, this easy-on spray (60 mL/ 2 oz) is great way to help keep your sex toys squeaky clean.
$9.90

TANTRA Feather Teaser

Combining down feathers with a polished metal and acrylic handle, this teaser will give you tickles, chills and thrills — before, during or after the main event. It’s so lightweight, you can even hold it in your mouth!
$24.00

Personal Moisturizer

This dual-purpose, water-based lubricant — that’s glycerine-free, paraben-free and unscented — is safe to use with all LELO products and latex, as well as on you and your partner. Non-greasy and non-staining, you can even use it as a body lotion!
$24.90

Flickering Touch Massage Candle

Made from all-natural soy wax, shea butter and apricot kernel oil (& no chemical additives), the lightly scented wax melts into a warm massage oil. Available in 3 aromas: Vanilla & Crème De Cacao, Snow Pear & Cedarwood, and Black Pepper & Pomegranate. The eco-friendly wick burns up to 36 hours.
$29.90

LUNA Beads Noir

Inspired by centuries-old Ben Wa balls, these comfortable and discreet beads offer gentle vibrations that offer you a sensual secret while strengthening your pelvic muscles, which can lead to stronger orgasms and more sexual satisfaction.
$34.00

SENSUA Suede Whip

Great for beginners, LELO’s little whip gives you a soft (or firm) introduction to kink. The soft suede tassels, alongside the polished metal and acrylic handle, will help you live out your Fifty Shades fantasies.
$44.00

LUNA Beads

The original LELO bead set comes with with four interchangeable beads, with two different weights for variable sensations and customized pelvic workouts. What’s more, they’re available in two sizes, Classic and Mini.
$47.00

ETHEREA Silk Cuffs

Made with 100% pure silk and soft sheepskin suede, these cuffs have long ribbons that allow for versatile use — tie on wrists, ankles, or your surroundings. The cuffs themselves have LELO’s jacquard pattern on one side and soft suede on the other. Restrict anything but pleasure!
$49.00

INTIMA Silk Blindfold

This adjustable blindfold with an elastic band and long ribbons ensure a perfect fit for everyone, so you can heighten senses and focus on the pleasures at hand.
$59.00

MIA 2

For those who like discretions (or just dirty little secrets), the lipstick-style design of the Mia 2 massager will look perfectly at home in your purse or bedside drawer. Since it’s USB-rechargeable, it gives you more power than batteries. And the shape has been specifically molded to target the clitoris — a nice feature in an external vibe.
$69.00

BOA Pleasure Ties

With pouches of freshwater pearls at one end balancing stylish nickel-free metal rings at the other, LELO’s long 100% pure silk restraints can tie you or your partner to bedposts, chairs, each other…
$79.00

SUTRA Chainlink Cuffs

Made from 100 % pure silk, sheepskin suede, and nickel-free metal, LELO’s Sutra cuffs offer a softer, safer, more sensual take on traditional (and traditionally uncomfortable) metal handcuffs.
$89.00

NEA

This external massager has a cool, porcelain-like finish and a floral motif for discretion. The sculpted tip focuses pleasure on and around the clitoris. And it’s fully rechargeable for more power and more convenience.
$89.00

LUNA Smart Bead

With touch-sensors that measure and respond to your every squeeze, the LUNA Smart Bead gages your orgasm-potential and sets a routine that’s right for you.
$109.00 (okay, so it’s a smidge over a $100, but it’s worth it!)

Want to find a great toy to share with your luvva?
A Guide to Couples Toys, from Beginners to Advanced

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Back-to-School Edition

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photo via Pixabay

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your hormones are raging, you feel like you’re the last virgin on earth, and you just want someone to listen to Depeche Mode cassettes, write bad poetry and fall in love with. So you muster the courage to go to the kegger in the woods and try to fit in without embarrassing yourself. The ugly wise-ass from English class who everyone’s friends with (just because it’s not worth it to be an enemy and suffer their wrath) starts encouraging you to do keg stands. You know it’s not a good idea but you crumble under the peer pressure. Next thing you know you’re making out with this asshole in front of the whole party right before you throw up on the front of your shirt. You spend the rest of the year slowly dying of embarrassment. Moral of the story? Stay home and masturbate.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s a sad, sad day when we turn to Katy Perry for inspiration, but hey, the chick has growing pains! “I’m still growing, still stretchin’ / Still breaking in these new shoes / Looking for a way to make a mark of my own / I’m just a spring chick, wet behind the ears / It’s a part of life / So there’s no need to fear / These growing pains that I’m going through.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
No matter what your crush tells you about just being friends with Suzie or Bobby, don’t believe them. We saw them exchange class rings. They’ll say anything to you just to get to third base.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s a little early to ask someone to the prom this week. Hang back a bit. If anything, wait until someone asks you (though it may be a while, this being early fall and all). But perhaps there are fellow eager-beavers out there. Only accept if they say “Do you want to go to the prom with me?” Reject them if they don’t use the definite article “the” before the word “prom. ” Because that’s just wrong, dude.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
So maybe your lab partner is a total dork, but that doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t have a totally hot sibling or friend. So be nice.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re going to spend much of the week in the library, lost in thought. Or maybe you’re just pretending to seem lost in thought to win the heart of super-hottie new kid who’s a bit of a book worm. Pretty sneaky, sis!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Cheat, and you’ll eventually become just another child left behind.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Are you sure you really want to try out for the cheerleading team? Don’t you have higher aspirations than dressing up in skimpy outfits and contorting your body into impossible positions all for the “support” of the all-important players on the field and for the titillation of the hormone-crazed mob? Why not just keep that as major shower-nozzle masturbation material and aim for something a little more deep and meaningful when it comes to real-world sex and love?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t have an affair with your physics teacher or any other inappropriate love interests.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The best part of going back to school is all the shopping for brand new supplies and outfits at all the back-to-school sales. It really made you feel like you were starting with a clean slate: you could reinvent yourself with the right pair of jeans, you could potentially become an A-student with a cool new Trapper-Keeper… Sure, the promises of a better teen life encapsulated in all that shiny new junk were empty, but it made you feel good at the time. Invest in some kind of makeover this week to recapture some of that lost innocence and feel better about your love life, if only temporarily.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember how you used to wrap your text books in brown paper grocery bags to protect them from damage (and have something to doodle on in math class)? Well, wrap up your heart this week so it doesn’t get scuffed up, too.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You know that hottie who wrote “Stay cool, see you in the Fall,” in your yearbook last spring? The one whose touching, heartfelt message of best wishes for the summer you memorized, you re-read it so many times? Yeah, well, (s)he’s looking even hotter right now, so make your move before some ditzy, big-tittied cheerleader or some ditzy, man-tittied football player gets there first.

Oral Sex Etiquette: 12 Golden Rules for Going Down

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photo via Pixabay

The following list of tips is intended for both women and men:

The golden rule of manners as it pertains to dining downtown is this: consider it the equivalent of a free meal at a Gordon Ramsay restaurant. It’s a sheer delight simply to be there! So act like it.
When the best chefs in the country insist that there be no salt and pepper shakers on the tables, then their dishes do not require salt or pepper, and to request either would be an insult. A courteous diner eats everything exactly the way the host suggests they do, and exactly the way it is presented to them. Don’t contradict directions with comments such as, “But my ex used to love it when I did that,” or “But I have been practicing that move all week!” or the unforgivably tactless, “Well! If this isn’t the worst I’ve ever tasted!”
Don’t expect your partner to know exactly how you like it. Offer hints, always phrased in positives. Recommended nudges include “Right there oh my God yes” and “Please, sir, may I have some more?”
Never push someone down by the shoulders, use their ears as a steering wheel, or accelerate the pace by pushing on their head as if it were a toilet plunger. These are NOT “hints.”
Understand that a chef must eat, too. Oral pleasure is a reciprocal activity: you cannot expect to receive head any more often than you proffer it. You may request oral pleasure without reciprocity on the following occasions: it’s your birthday (no half-birthdays); you’ve been laid off; your favorite team lost (major championship games only, no mid-season games); your pet just died (in the case of goldfish passing on, it’s the giver’s call); you styled your short & curlies according to your partner’s preferences; your partner lost the “guess how many pennies are in the jar for free oral sex” contest; your partner fell asleep that last time you went down on them.
Don’t be grossed out by making out with your partner after they’ve just given you head. That said, if you yourself happen to be a particularly sloppy eater, it’s nice to subtly wipe your mouth on the sheet or on the back of your hand mid-ascent.
Keep a clean “house” when expecting company. If any bathroom wipes since your last shower were not clean ones, then for the love of all that’s good and holy, take another shower (especially if you favor the triple-padded, terribly soft, clingy brand of toilet paper). And remember: pubic topiary is a matter of aesthetics, not hygiene.
Avoid ingesting anything that causes the taste or smell down there to be slightly “off.” Common culprits include asparagus, coke (not the trademarked kind), cigarettes, red meat, and coffee.
Make occasional eye contact while giving head, but avoid engaging in staring competitions. It’s fine to close your eyes while receiving if that helps you get to your happy place — especially for the ladies who may need a little help staying focused — though it’s polite to occasionally take a peek to check in on your partner. And know this: a mid-sesh wink, by either party, is extremely hard to pull off with grace.
Never say, “You look like you have a pube mustache, ha ha ha!” or “Yeah, baby, walk like an Egyptian!” — or anything else implying your partner looks like anything other than a sex god/dess down there.
Just as it would be inappropriate to make fake gagging noises if Gordon Ramsay served you escargot, it’s uncool to treat a stray pubic hair as something, well, like snails. Simply remove it with your fingertips without any fuss or take a large gulp of water while maintaining a gracious expression. Don’t try to make light of the situation by flossing with it.
Never hum while giving head during the first two months of a relationship. Not everyone is a fan (i.e. 99 percent of the population). At the very least, ask before you begin a wordless rendition of “Wrecking Ball” on their junk.
If orgasm has not been reached after 30-minutes, then either party is well within their rights to call an end to the oral. Saving your partner or yourself from lockjaw is the right thing to do.

Want more oral advice?
Top 10 Ways to Make Oral Sex More Fun for Both Partners

Can I Cheat on My Husband While He’s Abroad?

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photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I read your articles, and you give great advice to other readers, so maybe you can help me! My husband lives in another country; he’s in the process of coming over here, but we aren’t even sure when! We have been apart for a year already, and we’ve been married for 3 years. The thing is, there’s this other guy. I do not want a relationship with him or anything, more like a one-night stand. Or a friends+benefits type thing? Is this wrong of me? I have been good for the past 3 years but I can’t take it anymore. How would I even ask a guy for a one-night stand? If my husband doesn’t know, it doesn’t hurt him, right? Plus, we don’t have any kids together. I really need your help.

— Married Without a Man

Dear MWAM,

Wait, we’re confused: you say you read our advice columns, and yet you’re asking us if you should secretly cheat on your husband? If you read this site, then you should already know our answer to this question: NOFUCKINGWAY!

Traditionally, marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. You’ve only been hitched a measly three years — that’s nothing! And you’ve been apart for only a year. After 5, maybe even 3 years, we might be a little more sympathetic, but then again we have vibrators that have lasted longer than that — and you should too! Assuming your marriage vows included sexual fidelity (and it sounds like they have) then you need to either A) honor those vows, or B) renegotiate them with your husband. Cheating — even if it’s just a one-night thing — is not an option.

If you go with door A, then there are several things you can do to satisfy your longings. Invest in the aforementioned heavy-duty vibrators and use them. Fluff up your fantasy life. Have regular phone sex with your husband. Set up video chats between the two of you so you can masturbate simultaneously while watching each other. But most importantly, try to remember why you recently married this guy in the first place. When a person considers betraying their partner, it’s obvious some love and respect has been lost somewhere along the way — do a little soul-searching to try to get it back.

If you go with door B, then you need to be honest with him, in the kindest, gentlest, least offensive way possible. Explain to him how much you miss him and miss having sex with him, and how you’ve been feeling primal urges lately that are becoming too difficult to ignore. Would he consider some kind of arrangement for while you two are apart? One that wouldn’t negate your love or commitment, but one that might simply scratch that itch. Obviously, there are many steps to this kind of deal-making which we don’t have the room or time to go into, so you should check out Tristan Taormino’s book, “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” — it’s your best bet for having your cake and eating it too.

Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win,
Em & Lo

Need more tips on fantasizing?
How to Make Masturbation with a Vibe Feel Less Lonely

When Is It OK for a Woman to Fart in a Relationship?

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photo via Pixabay

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “When is it okay for a woman to fart in front of her partner?“

Straight Single Guy (Colin Adamo): Your five-year wedding anniversary. Some rather liberal couples will try to tell you they really don’t care about their partner’s farts (don’t believe them, they are crazy — stop inviting them to your dinner parties). I know you want to share everything with your loved one, but some boundaries exist for everyone’s benefit. This could be the secret barometer for a good relationship. The longer you can go without ever farting in front of your partner, the better your relationship will be. Your five-year is a fine capitulation-point because the two of you have probably hit your stride by now. But be careful, once this door opens, it can never be closed again.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): When I was little I was told that holding in farts causes cancer, or loose bowels, when you’re old. So for the sake of your happy retirement, do both of you a favor and let ’em rip.

anonymous_suit Straight Married Guy (Matt): This is a tough one. I’d say after the first “I love you.” You’re safe after that. I know, it’s terrible to have to pretend until then, but some of us guys are under the (completely mistaken) impression that you ladies don’t fart as often or as terribly as we do, and I think in this case a little bit of a facade is a good thing. I’d still hope that after the facade falls there’s at least some difference between your farting habits and ours — but I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

How to Combat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse… in Bed

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Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, 1887 painting by Victor Vasnetsov

You’ve probably heard of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” — these are the four types of behavior that, when they occur on a regular basis in a relationship, are a good predictor of divorce, according to psychology professor and bestselling author John Gottman, Ph.D. According to the Gottman Relationship Blog, “The Four Horsemen typically come as a sequence of interactions that start with criticism and spill over into defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.” You’ll find hundreds of articles online about how to combat these behaviors in your own marriage — everything from keeping a gratitude journal about your spouse to learning how to “mirror” your partner’s complaints. Today, however, we’d like to talk about the things you can do in your sex life to protect your marriage from these four bogeymen.

First, a quick summary of the original Horsemen: CRITICISM is when you attack your partner’s character or personality rather than complaining about a specific instance where they have failed. Criticism often begins with the phrases “You never…” and “You always…” DEFENSIVENESS is exactly what it sounds like — instead of acknowledging that your partner just might be right about something you’ve done, you point out something they did earlier. CONTEMPT is a set of (mostly non-verbal) behaviors that communicate your, well, contempt of your partner: sneering, sarcasm, name-calling, eye rolling, mockery, condescension, etc. — you get the idea. Finally, STONEWALLING is when one partner simply tunes out of an argument — usually after a bunch of criticism, defensiveness, and contempt — and refuses to engage with their other half.

So here are four things you can do in bed to avoid a Gottman-predicted divorce…

1. Replace CRITICISM with FANTASY FULFILLMENT

Think about the kind of damaging, unhelpful, negative criticisms that couples might level at each other regarding sex: “You never do what I want”; “We never try anything new”; “You’ve never cared about my orgasm.” Head these kind of criticisms off at the pass by fulfilling one of your partner’s fantasies. That means that first, you’ll have to get them to share a fantasy with you first. We recommend a date night and a sultry cocktail or two to help lubricate this conversation.

2. Replace DEFENSIVENESS with READING EACH OTHER’S BODIES

When you’re defensive, you’re demonstrating to your partner that you’re not listening to them. Counteract this by learning how to really listen to each other — and to each other’s bodies — in bed. You can do this verbally by talking to each other in bed, making the communication as dirty as you dare. “Tell me what you want me to do now”; “Do you like it when I do this?”; “Do you want it harder? Softer? Faster? Slower?”; etc. You can do this non-verbally with a simple experiment, taking it in turns being the giver and the receiver: the giver does something to their partner (oral sex, manual sex, using a toy, deep sensual kissing, sensual massage, intercourse, etc.) and the receiver has to guide their partner using only their body. No words allowed!

3. Replace CONTEMPT with BODY WORSHIP

It’s as simple as it sounds: tell your partner exactly what you like about their body — ideally during sex, and ideally using your best dirty talk voice. Don’t worry, you don’t need a porn star‘s vocabulary or Demi Moore’s husky tones to accomplish this — simply complimenting your partner’s body, very specifically, during sex, counts (it’s okay to whisper, or even “murmur,” a la Christian Grey, if you’re feeling shy).

4. Replace STONEWALLING with CREATIVE INITIATION IN BED

If stonewalling is turning away from your partner, then what you want to do instead is turn toward your partner. Lean into the sex, if you will. This means initiating sex in some way other than simply turning to your sweetie at eleven p.m., when your heads are already on the pillows, and saying, “How about a quickie before lights out?” Even just suggesting sex before your brush your teeth and change into your PJs is an improvement!

Want more tips on staying together?
10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

A Guide to Couples Toys, from Beginner to Advanced

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The couple that plays together, stays together. Which is the number one reason you, as a part of a pair, should be regularly investing in new and novel toys together. But not just any toys — we’re not using the term “novel” here literally: stay away from novelties that aren’t really intended for serious use (or even real pleasure) and instead get something well-designed and well-made, that’s good for your bodies — and the environment (no batteries!). When shopping with these standards, you can’t go wrong with a LELO, so below are all their couples’ pleasure objects ranked in order from newbie to next-level.

THE ON-RAMPS

Simple, affordable, easy-to-use options for newbies:

1. LILY
The first ever LELO is still one of their most popular. It’s a diminutive, discreet pebble vibe that won’t intimidate or bruise any egos. With all the power of a larger massager, Lily can be placed or pressed up against any spot between your two bodies for a little extra external stimulation.
$129

2. LUNA BEADS NOIR
This is the gateway toy for all your Fifty Shades fantasies, no pain required. A modern update on Ben Wa balls, LUNA Beads Noir are worn inside of the woman, as foreplay to the main event, as a secret between the two of you while out on the town, or as an accessory to a light Christian-Grey-esque spanking. The sensations are subtle but stimulating. And as a bonus, she gets a pelvic floor workout that will only help improve her orgasms!
$34

THE WEARABLES

These are worn by one of you during intercourse to intensify sensations and orgasms:

3. TOR 2
This is a simple, affordable, and most importantly comfortable couple’s ring worn by the man during intercourse, which enhances the sensations of sex for both partners with its 6 kinds of vibrations. He, in effect, becomes the toy!
$119

4. NOA
The smooth, insertable tail is worn by the woman and affords ample space for both partners during intercourse. One end gives both partners more intense sensations during penetration, while the other end delivers focused vibrations to her clitoris — which is key, since most intercourse positions don’t offer the kind of clitoral stimulation many women need to reach orgasm.
$99

5. PINO
Like the Tor 2 couples ring, but with a unique shape and 2 more pleasure settings. And to sweeten the deal for him, it comes with a money clip and cufflinks!
$159

6. TARA
Worn by the woman during intercourse, the Tara swirls, revolves and vibrates inside, offering both of you a better chance at shared orgasms.
$149

THE REMOTE-CONTROLLED

LELO’s exclusive SenseMotion™ technology allows users to control the sensations during foreplay and sex through movements of the remote, whether you’re right next to each other or across a crowded room:

7. LYLA 2
A premium vibrating bullet-style massager that can give her hands-free stimulation whenever and wherever. With 3x greater range than other wireless massagers and near-silent vibrations, the Lyla and other SenseMotion vibes allow for more daring play.
$139

8. HULA BEADS
The first ever remote-controlled pleasure beads that rotate and vibrate.
$169

9. ODEN 2
An advanced love ring worn by him with a flexible and interchangeable base, as well as a wireless remote.
$179

10. TIANI 2
Like the Noa above, but with a remote control that either of you can manipulate sensations during any kind of sex.
$159

11. TIANI 3
Like the Tiani 2, but with a little more flexibility and a wider end to offer more clitoral coverage.
$169

12. IDA
Like the Tara above, but with a remote control so either partner can set the sensations during intercourse.
$199

THE PLEASURE SETS

Packages designed to introduce you two to the pleasures of kink:

13. INDULGE ME PLEASURE SET
It includes the INTIMA Silk Blindfold and the TANTRA Feather Teaser, along with the NOA Couples’ Massager, for those couples interested in the softer side of kink.
$179

14. ADORE ME PLEASURE SET
Play around with BDSM with the silk and suede Sutra Chainlink Cuffs and the Intima Silk Blindfold — both will intensify your senses for what’s to come from the powerful little Mia 2 rechargeable massager included.
$159

15. DARE ME PLEASURE SET
For those who want to go full Fifty Shades, this set includes the soft-tasseled Sensua Suede Whip, Etherea Silk Cuffs, and Luna Beads Noir.
$119

Need more convincing that LELO’s the best?
Top 10 Reasons to Get a LELO

Your Weekly Horoscopes: Random-Old-TNT-Movies Edition

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Mystic Pizza: While Runaway Bride is clearly a classic, we tend to favor the 1988 Mystic Pizza when it comes to Julia Roberts flicks. Big hair, long earrings, one-shouldered dresses, Julia’s butt (pre-personal trainer), Matt Damon’s bit-part — what’s not to love? Julia may have been a waitress in a small-town pizza parlor (and a bad waitress, at that), but when Mr. Rich Guy shows up to woo her, she’s not easily won. Don’t sell yourself short, either — you may feel desperate inside, but don’t let that prevent you from demanding the best. And in ten years, you too could be making twenty million a picture.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Autumn in New York: So, Richard Gere is like a hundred years old, and he spies Winona Ryder, who’s still in her twenties and giggles like a three-year-old. But neither the age gap nor a bad script nor a lack of on-screen chemistry will stop him from pursuing her. (After Runaway Bride, what did he have to lose, really?) So it turns out that Winona dies an excruciating two hours of screentime later — woah! spoiler alert! — but thank god Richard Gere got to have sex with her first. Make like an aging Buddhist movie star this week and take the plunge with someone.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Kalifornia: When asked if her psychotic boyfriend Brad Pitt hits her, Juliette Lewis responds in a perfect Southern white trash drawl, “Only when I deserve it. ” Similarly, being in love might be preventing you from seeing your honey’s faults clearly: like the fact that they leave the cap off the toothpaste, or randomly smash strangers’ heads in.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Dances with Wolves: If you want your needs satisfied this week, you’ll have to take matters into your own hands. Kind of like how we imagine Kevin Costner must have done, out there in the middle of the prairie, when any kind of booty call would have been seriously long-distance.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Meet the Parents / Meet the Fockers: There is such a thing as trying too hard in making comedies. Not to mention in relationships.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The Tao of Steve: Donal Logue (an overweight pothead who mostly just plays frisbee and shouldn’t get laid nearly as often as he does) explains his three-part plan for snaring the ladeez: 1) Eliminate desire; you cannot score if you want to score. 2) Demonstrate excellence in her presence. 3) Retreat; women will chase what they cannot have. Yeah, it’s pretty much “Men Are from Mars…” for dudes. And though we’ll probably go to hell for saying this, sometimes it works (for either sex). Like this week, for example.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
To Gillian, on Her 37th Birthday: Labor Day weekend on Nantucket Island marks a family reunion for David Lewis (Peter Gallagher) and his teenage daughter Rachel (Claire Danes) along with his sister-in-law Esther (Kathy Baker) and brother-in-law Paul (Bruce Altman). It also marks the anniversary of David’s wife Gillian (Michelle Pfeiffer), who died in a boating accident on her birthday two years ago. To David, it could have been yesterday. Hoping to help David overcome his grief, Paul and Esther bring an attractive single woman (Wendy Crewson) with them to the island. But he’s not over Gillian. In fact, David is completely in love with her. It’s as though the strength of his devotion just might bring her back. As the family celebrates the weekend with the traditional karaoke singing and a sand castle competition, relationships are re-examined and truths are revealed. When David discovers that his obsession with his late wife has damaged his precious relationship with Rachel, he realizes he must do everything in his power to regain his daughter’s love — even if it means letting go of Gillian . . . Whoever is the “Gillian” in your life, Virgo, it’s time to let them go. Let them go.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When Harry Met Sally: “You’re the worst kind of high-maintenance,” Harry tells Sally. “You think you’re low-maintenance, but you’re actually high-maintenance.” This week, make them think that you’re low-maintenance, no matter how needy you’re feeling inside, or how much you want that dressing “on the side. ” You’ll be surprised how liberating it can be.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
St. Elmo’s Fire: You’ll be in an affectionate mood this week, so don’t waste it. Get in touch with someone who interests you and make a date. It’s time you took control of your love life. Kind of like Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire when she does all that cocaine with the sheiks in the fancy hotel and Judd Nelson comes to take her home and she says, “What, and waste all this good coke?” Except, in your case, you’re just high on life.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Fatal Attraction/The entire Poison Ivy franchise/The In Crowd/The Boy Next Door/Etc: Evil hottie ingratiates her way into a single person’s life/a family/a circle of friends, illicit sex is had, someone gets hurt or murdered, the bad gal gets hers in the end, lessons are learned. The hamartia of those who get boffed or offed is their uncritical eye, their willingness to fall quickly for the antogonist’s superficial charms, their gullibility. This week, don’t be a sucker and you’ll avoid living your own version of a bad B-movie.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: To quote arguably the best movie to come out of the ’80s: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. ” It’s like John Hughes was looking into a crystal ball and saw your love life in late summer of 2015 when he wrote that line.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Secretary (yeah, the spanking one): James Spader frees Maggie Gyllenhaal from her addiction to self-mutilation by giving her very strict, very specific instructions on everything she does, from how to dress to how many peas she’s allowed to eat at dinner time. We would like to free you from your incessant need to please, from your habit of molding and shaping yourself to fit others’ expectations of you. So here are our instructions for your week: Say the first thing that comes into your head; don’t edit yourself. Wear your favorite hat, even if everyone says it’s ugly. Don’t try to disguise your funny walk. Eat more peas.

Nostalgic for oldie-but-goodie movies now? Check it out:
The Top 10 Summer Lovin’ Movies

Everything We Needed to Know About Love and Sex We Learned from Dr. Seuss

Chime in!

As the mothers of two small children (two each, that is), we have spent many hours reading the books of Dr. Seuss aloud. And the more we read, the more we realize how freakin’ wise he was…about everything. (Yes, we admit it: We were more excited by the discovery of a new Dr. Seuss book, What Pet Should I Get, than the the “discovery” of a “new” book which was wrested from the archives of a near senile Harper Lee.) Dr. Seuss once said, “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.” Okay, fine, when he said “fantasy,” he probably wasn’t talking about role-playing or dirty talk or dressing up as a maid. But he might well have been talking about life and love.

Here are our top ten favorite lessons from Dr. Seuss, and the quotes from his books that inspired them. Turns out the good doctor knew a lot about how to love and be loved:

**1. You Decide Who to Love (Not Your Parents, Not Your Friends, Not Your Church, and Certainly Not Your Government)**

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

2. Don’t Wait for a Rut to Get Creative in Your Relationship (or in Bed)

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

3. Speaking Of: It’s Not a Sign of Defeat to Read Sex Manuals; Sex is a Life-Long Learning Process

The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.

4. Don’t Hate On Your Naked Body; You Will Look Back on Photos and Realize How Good You Actually Look Right Now

You’re in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.

5. No One Deserves to Be Dumped Via Text

A person’s a person, no matter how small.

6. Don’t Say You’ll Call If You Have No Intention of Doing So

I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

7. Tragedy Plus Time = A Great First-Date Story

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere

8. Stand Up for Women’s Rights, Gay Rights, Transgender People, and Anyone Else Who Doesn’t Get to Love and Be Loved the Way They Should

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.

9. Don’t Wait to Tell Someone You Love Them/Ask Someone on a Date/Reach Out to an Old Flame

How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?

10. Remember to Keep an Open Mind About How to Love…and How to Make Love

And I would eat them in a boat.
And I would eat them with a goat…
And I will eat them, in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
They are so good, so good, you see!
So I will eat them in a box.
And I will eat them with a fox.
And I will eat them in a house.
And I will eat them with a mouse.
And I will eat them here and there.
Say! I will eat them anywhere!

Need more inspiration?
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Toys You'll Love

Want some more example of acceptable smut? Top 5 Dirty Works of Literature You Can Read in Public

1) Get a mirror and check yourself out

2) Set aside time

3) Put the moves on yourself

4) Warm up

5) Lend a hand

6) Use lube

7) Do the hump

8) Be a thigh master

9) Take a loooong bath

10) Get your mind into the gutter

11) Break out the toybox

12) Show off your new skills

13) Do it together

We’ve given you the HOW; here’s the WHY: 8 Reasons to Have More Orgasms

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Still not convinced? Top 5 Reasons Why Sex Makes You Look Younger

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Did we go too easy on the Church? Check out: Stephen Fry on the Catholic Church’s Obsession with Sex

MYTH #1: Most women have a matching pair.

MYTH #2: Labia are part of the vagina.

MYTH #3: Large labia are freakish and unattractive to men.

MYTH #4: The inner labia shouldn’t protrude beyond the outer labia.

MYTH #5: Masturbation causes the labia to stretch and increase in size.

MYTH #6: “Too much” sex makes labia stretch and increase in size.

MYTH #7: “Normal” labia are as delicate and pale pink as Molly Ringwald’s prom dress.

MYTH #8: Porn stars are naturally blessed with pale pink, neat and tidy labia.

MYTH #9: Labiaplasty is totally safe.

MYTH #10: Labia just get in the way.

Need more reassurance? 10 Reasons Your “Ugly” Vagina Is Normal and Gorgeous

Want to find a great toy to share with your luvva? A Guide to Couples Toys, from Beginners to Advanced

Want more oral advice? Top 10 Ways to Make Oral Sex More Fun for Both Partners

Need more tips on fantasizing? How to Make Masturbation with a Vibe Feel Less Lonely

1. Replace CRITICISM with FANTASY FULFILLMENT

2. Replace DEFENSIVENESS with READING EACH OTHER’S BODIES

3. Replace CONTEMPT with BODY WORSHIP

4. Replace STONEWALLING with CREATIVE INITIATION IN BED

Want more tips on staying together? 10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

THE ON-RAMPS

THE WEARABLES

THE REMOTE-CONTROLLED

THE PLEASURE SETS

Need more convincing that LELO’s the best? Top 10 Reasons to Get a LELO

Nostalgic for oldie-but-goodie movies now? Check it out: The Top 10 Summer Lovin’ Movies

1. You Decide Who to Love (Not Your Parents, Not Your Friends, Not Your Church, and Certainly Not Your Government)

2. Don’t Wait for a Rut to Get Creative in Your Relationship (or in Bed)

3. Speaking Of: It’s Not a Sign of Defeat to Read Sex Manuals; Sex is a Life-Long Learning Process

4. Don’t Hate On Your Naked Body; You Will Look Back on Photos and Realize How Good You Actually Look Right Now

5. No One Deserves to Be Dumped Via Text

6. Don’t Say You’ll Call If You Have No Intention of Doing So

7. Tragedy Plus Time = A Great First-Date Story

8. Stand Up for Women’s Rights, Gay Rights, Transgender People, and Anyone Else Who Doesn’t Get to Love and Be Loved the Way They Should

9. Don’t Wait to Tell Someone You Love Them/Ask Someone on a Date/Reach Out to an Old Flame

10. Remember to Keep an Open Mind About How to Love…and How to Make Love

Need more inspiration? 28 “Pretty Woman” Quotes to Use When Online Dating

Want some more example of acceptable smut?
Top 5 Dirty Works of Literature You Can Read in Public

We’ve given you the HOW; here’s the WHY:
8 Reasons to Have More Orgasms

Still not convinced?
Top 5 Reasons Why Sex Makes You Look Younger

Want to make this poetry thing permanent?
20 Sexy Poem Quotes to Tattoo On Your Body

Did we go too easy on the Church? Check out:
Stephen Fry on the Catholic Church’s Obsession with Sex

Need more reassurance?
10 Reasons Your “Ugly” Vagina Is Normal and Gorgeous

Want to find a great toy to share with your luvva?
A Guide to Couples Toys, from Beginners to Advanced

Want more oral advice?
Top 10 Ways to Make Oral Sex More Fun for Both Partners

Need more tips on fantasizing?
How to Make Masturbation with a Vibe Feel Less Lonely

Want more tips on staying together?
10 Things to Say to Your Partner Instead of “I Love You”

Need more convincing that LELO’s the best?
Top 10 Reasons to Get a LELO

Nostalgic for oldie-but-goodie movies now? Check it out:
The Top 10 Summer Lovin’ Movies

**1. You Decide Who to Love (Not Your Parents, Not Your Friends, Not Your Church, and Certainly Not Your Government)**

Need more inspiration?
28 “Pretty Woman” Quotes to Use When Online Dating