Special Issue: Happy New Year!
All posts by Em & Lo
The Top 10 Most Romantic Holiday Movies
We’re suckers for Christmas. The bright lights, the gingerbread houses, the cheesy music, the British “crackers,” the ability to eat and drink to excess without being considered a glutton or an alcoholic! We especially love that cozy feeling that comes from watching favorite movies with a wintery vibe — not necessarily official Christmas movies, but just ones that honor love and family with some cold weather thrown in. Here’s our top 10. (If you’re wondering why “Love, Actually”, the assumed definition of “romantic holiday movie,” didn’t make the cut, it’s because Lo thinks knows that sexist movie sucked reindeer balls.)
1. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Creepy Christmas-obsessed dolls in a macabre parallel universe singing to each other in minor chords under a giant full moon: “My dearest friend, if you don’t mind, I’d like to join you by your side, where we can gaze into the stars, and sit together, now and forever. For it is plain as anyone can see, we’re simply meant to be.” No Disney romance can hold a candle to that sweetness.
2. When Harry Met Sally
The holiday scenes in the city automatically qualify it for inclusion on this list. It’s the kind of movie you can happily watch for the third or fourth time while hungover with friends and loved ones after a blow-out holiday party the night before.
3. The Family Stone
It’s not the greatest movie, but what it lacks in believable plot points (come on, an engaged man and woman each fall for their partner’s sibling overnight?), it makes up for in awesome Christmas decorations, awkward family dinner conversations and the always awesome Diane Keaton.
4. It’s a Wonderful Life
That iconic telephone scene is one of the most dramatic, romantic, sexually tense movie-moments ever made.
5. Moonstruck
New York City at Christmas-time is one of the leading characters in this classic romantic comedy. Makes you want to buy some Christmas cookies from a Brooklyn baker and then have hot monkey sex with them (i.e. the baker, with or without the cookies).
6. Dan in Real Life
We’re not even sure whether this movie takes place around the holidays, but it’s got a big family gathering in a cozy house with lots of kookie characters who sing and dance and fall in love, so that’s festive enough for us.
7. Holiday Inn
Its complicated romance has a bit of a Three’s-Company vibe to it, plus the blackface scene taints the whole thing, but if you compartmentalize enough, it’s hard not love the Bing Crosby/Fred Astaire vehicle that introduced Irving Berlin’s White Christmas to the world as a sort of yearning love song.
8. Bridget Jones’ Diary
See When Harry Met Sally above.
9. Edward Scissorhands
Johnny Depp is Jesus, Winona Ryder is Mary Magdalene and the townspeople are the Romans. See, very Christmas-y! Actually, we just like the kitschy holiday decorations in this one.
10. The Sound of Music
It’s always nice when true love wins out over organized religion.
Want more excuses to cuddle in front of the TV?
13 Snowy Movies to Watch During a Snow Storm
The 12 Days of Kinkmas
You know what makes a great, fun, affordable stocking stuffer (that you an still get last minute)? Our book, 150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink! To whet your appetite, may we present our own special sexy sacrilegious spin on a Xmas classic. Enjoy:
On the 12th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
12 Crops a Cracking
Disciplinary devices for horses and “horses.” However, even if you’ve never gotten on a real horse or gotten into pony play, you can enjoy the erotic benefits of this kind of rod. For one thing, it just…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 11th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
11 Ponies Prancing
One of the most popular forms of animalism, complete with its own subculture and events calendar. There was even once a…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 10th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
10 Chains a Clanging
When nylon and leather cuffs are just too cute and fluffy, and you want something with a little more weight and muscle, go for cold, hard, steel wrist and ankle restraints. Steel shackles have that quintessential…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 9th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
9 Slappers Spanking
Like paddles, but narrower and with better sound effects. Usually made of…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 8th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
8 Boots a Kicking
Tamareki is a ball-kicking fetish. Do we even need to bother telling you that…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 7th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
7 Wheels a Spinning
The human-sized rat-exercise wheels of the BDSM world—except instead of running inside the wheel, you’re strapped to the outside, either…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 6th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
6 Whips a Flaying
A flogger is the pom pom of the BDSM world. (“Give me a W! Give me an H! Give me an I! Give me a P!”) A popular flagellation tool, a flogger consists of…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 5th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
5 Gold Cock Rings
Rings or straps made just for the penis and testicles. Traditionally, a cock ring is meant to…read more in 150 Shades of Play
(full illustration available in the book)
On the 4th Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
4 Balling Babes
Adult babies engage in a form of role-playing wherein one partner (typically a straight guy) plays baby and the other plays grownup (typically mommy). The “baby” wears man-sized diapers and might…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 3rd Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
3 Fetish Masks
Fetish wear for the face (probably what conservatives would consider a gateway accessory to more hardcore hoods). Most masks just…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 2nd Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
2 Latex Gloves
Medical latex hand gloves that help protect against STDs, allow for smoother entry into orifices, and are the perfect accessory for…read more in 150 Shades of Play
On the 1st Day of Kinkmas my true sub gave to me…
And a House Slave in a Gimp Suit
Kinky onesies made out of leather, pleather, rubber, PVC, etc., and typically worn by a (usually male) submissive. Made famous by the 1994 Quentin Tarantino movie Pulp Fiction; made sexy by…read more in 150 Shades of Play
Get the book on Amazon Prime before Xmas!
This post has been updated from the original.
10 “Sexy” Gifts That Will Get You Dumped This Xmas
And 10 That Won’t!
You want to give the object of your affection a gift that expresses your genuine love and sincere lust? Wonderful! But please understand there’s a fine line between sexy and stupid, and that line often moves depending on the couple and each partner’s level of kinkiness, their sense of humor, and their, well, stupidity. Best to err on the side of caution with holiday gifts, which are usually expected to be more romantic than lascivious. In other words, save the butt plug for Valentine’s Day.
Below are 10 gifts you should probably never give, along with suggestions for more appropriate — but still sexy! — alternatives.
1.
Fiber
We have long touted the miraculous sexual benefits of adding fiber to your daily nutrition. After all, a better bathroom experience means more confidence when having all your nooks & crannies explored. But we must draw the line at giving this as a present. Anything with “regularity” in its name does not a good gift make.
The Better Option: If you want to give a gift that promotes pelvic health, then give something luxurious and fun: Lelo’s Luna Beads.
2.
Candy Cane Dildo
We guess it’s kind of cute, but it’s not exactly ergonomic. If you’re going to splurge on a sex toy, make it something guaranteed to get the job done.
The Better Option: Lelo’s Smart Wand.
3.
K-Y Jelly
Let’s be clear: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with KY-Jelly. It’s a perfectly fine solution to your lubrication needs. But when it comes to the holidays, best to splurge on a more luxurious pleasure oil.
The Better Option: Something a little more glitzy, like Uberlube.
4.
Fundies
Ugh, the novelty toy: dumb, cheap, and useless. A piece of coal would be better — at least you can put that in your grill and smoke it.
The Better Option: Silk PJs.
5.
Crotchless Panties
Speaking of underwear…The only person who should be buying this as a gift is the wearer, because it is not a gift for themselves, but for their partner. If you buy this as a holiday gift for your partner to wear, you should be dumped twice — once for its cheap crotchless nature, and again for the uncomfortable thong element.
The Better Option: Proper comfy underthings your partner will actually wear, like Felina or Tommy John.
6.
Modesty Panels
This is the gift that says your body is mine and I want to control it.
The Better Option: A nice, simple, gold necklace that honors her décolletage (as long as it’s not heart shaped!).
7.
Chastity Belt/Cage
This is the gift that SCREAMS your body is mine and I want to control it! Unless you are a seriously kinky couple who have discussed and agreed upon the terms of your BDSM relationship, we’d recommend staying away from any sex toys that could offend more delicate sensibilities, such as ball-gags, butt plugs and anything “realistically veiny.”
The Better Option: A silk blindfold or some nice soft cuffs, like the ones offered in Lelo’s “Adore Me” Gift Box.
8.
Emotion Lotion
Another novelty gift that stinks, tastes bad, and barely works.
The Better Option: A nice massage package with oils, IOUs and the skills to back them up.
9.
STD Stuffed Animals
While STIs are nothing to be ashamed of, and these could, under just the right circumstances, be the kind of prop that could help facilitate a tough discussion about sexual health before you sleep with someone, STD plushies don’t scream “romantic holiday gift.”
The Better Option: If you use condoms with your partner, upgrade your brand for the holidays with more high end options like Lelo’s Hex or Sir Richard’s (for every SR condom you buy, they’ll donate one to someone in need!).
10.
How-To Sex Manuals for Specific Genders
Nothing says “you suck in bed” like a book designated for either him (“His Guide to Going Down“) or her (“Oral Sex He’ll Never Forget“).
The Better Option: A sex book you can have fun reading together like, oh we don’t know, maybe “SEX: How to Do Everything” or “150 Shades of Play“?
How to Create a Sensual Environment for Good Sex
Sometimes sex is no more than a mood you create. The space you find yourself in, the air you breathe, the lights you dim, the furniture you lounge upon, the music you choose to play (no Barry White or his ilk, please) — all these things can serve to ignite your passion…or snuff it. So follow these simple steps to create the right environment for good sex.
All items suggested below make great gifts for a loved one…
Straighten Up to Relax
Just as you would decorate and straighten up before having platonic company over for dinner, so should you decorate and straighten up for more intimate guests. Remember, it’s not just the bedroom that can sustain a sensual mood. A sexy night can begin the moment you or your partner walks in the door, and every room you move through can play a part. So remove the day’s mail from the coffee table and replace it with an orchid plant or that blush-worthy gift we told you to buy. Pull the drapes across the windows as if to say, This evening is for our eyes only. Or if you’re feeling saucy, leave the drapes open just a sliver so that later your misbehaving shadows catch the eyes of passersby. Make sure your abode smells nice, but not overwhelming sweet or antiseptic — go with subtly-scented aromatherapy accessories (not Febreze).
The Right Lighting
Extinguish daytime’s harsh overhead lights in favor of dim, flattering lighting (installing smart-plugs or smart-bulbs with dimmer controls is a great trick; so is floor lighting tucked in corners and behind furniture). When you switch to candlelight, it’s immediately clear that no more bills will be paid, no more dishes will be scrubbed, no more magazines will be skimmed, no more phones will be answered (but if you light enough candles to be a fire hazard, you’ve overdone it). Instead of “dealing”, you’ll be poring over each other’s bodies, admiring how light falls on skin, how the flickering flames dramatize your partner’s curves or sinews.
Pre-Sex Decor & Accessories
Ignore any furniture that isn’t built for two, so that even if you’re just dozing in front of a movie, you’re doing so with your legs intertwined. Or sprawl on a faux-fur rug, surrounded by copious cushions, so that even if you’re doing the crossword, you’re in each other’s arms — sometimes a few hours of this-might-not-go-anywhere body contact is all the seduction you need. If you’re lucky enough to have a fireplace, then light a damn fire every now and then. If the fire grows dim (or you live in a bedsit), snuggle up under a blanket. (Cashmere’s nice if you live on a cashmere-and-caviar budget, but anything soft will do.)
Moving Things to a Well-Appointed Bedroom
Ultimately, you’ll be drawn to the bedroom. Kiss as you go. Open the window to let the long curtains move gently in the breeze. (Or to give the nosy neighbors something to listen to.) The lights should be, yes, dimmed. There should be no clutter, no mess, nothing in sight that is not meant for spending the night together (if this meant shoving all your crap under the bed with the dust bunnies, so be it). Slide your limbs between silk sheets (or at least sheets with a decent thread count). Consider moving the standing mirror closer to the bed for later kinky use.
Moving Things Out of the Bedroom
And if the satin sheets are in the wash? Sometimes, changing your usual sex venue is all you need to reinvigorate the usual sex ritual. There’s no rule book that says good lovin’ must take place in the bedroom each and every time:
- A new five-star hotel in town is an excuse to break the routine. Dress up in one of the silk nighties for the night. Indulge in oysters at the bar. And later press each other against the thick glass door of the shower in your well-appointed room upstairs.
- A sleazy budget motel rented for a lunch-hour might bring out the taboo in you.
- A lavish soiree may give you the opportunity to part, flirt with others until you “accidentally” bump into each other, introduce yourselves as if you’ve never met before, and eventually abscond to a nearby stairwell to lock lips.
- Or a romantic picnic in a remote corner of the park might inspire you to commune on the long leaves of grass.
In Conclusion…
You certainly don’t need a lot of money to set a sexy mood (the satin, cashmere, and five-star hotel are just optional extras for the luxe set). You only need a willingness to invest a little time, effort, and imagination. In the end, if you can both keep your eyes open and still get (and stay) in the right head space for fantastic sex, then you’ve succeeded. We’d give you a medal, but in this case the fantastic sex is its own reward. Plus, we’re all out of medals.
Want more decor advice?
10 Requirements for a Sexy Bedroom
Let’s (Not) Play Sexual Misconduct Bingo!
The #MeToo movement has proven that basically every woman you know (and too many men) have suffered at least one if not several incidents on the sexual misconduct continuum. You can play Sexual Misconduct Bingo, but it’s not a game and nobody wins. The only way to win is for witnesses of inappropriate conduct, victims of sexual harassment, and survivors of sexual assault to keep coming forward, speaking out, and demanding justice.
More on this tough topic:
The Power & Pitfalls of Consent
10 Rules for Surviving Your In-Laws This Holiday Season
You may tie each other up every Monday and feel completely comfortable exploring each other’s less traveled orifices, or you may consider doggie style to be “experimental” — but when it comes to the holidays, we’re all just a bunch of overgrown kids hoping to survive extended time with the in-laws (or potential future in-laws).
We interviewed therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of the book Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, who says she has found, in her long-term study of married couples, that when a husband or wife fails to get along with the in-laws, it’s predictive of marital unhappiness down the road. “On the flip side,” she says, “in the happiest marriages from my study, both spouses reported that they felt close to, or at least got along with, their in-laws.”
We distilled Orbuch’s advice into 10 rules for making sure your relationship survives the onslaught of questionable family members this holiday season.
- Make your partner a priority — and stand up for them. You can affect your parents’ behaviors and how they treat your spouse by treating your spouse with respect, dignity, and validation. If your parents love you, they want what is best for you. And the best thing for you is a happy spouse who wants to spend time with your family.
- Set a time limit. Short visits may be the happiest ones.
- Manage expectations. Don’t expect praise, warmth, and approval from your partner’s family. Realistic expectations reduce frustration.
- Your mother-in-law is not your partner. Don’t let the anger you have toward your mother-in-law (or your partner’s drunk inappropriate uncle) be misplaced on your partner.
- Learn to say when. You may need to accept the chill between you and your in-laws and simply learn to be decent and get along.
- Maintain your relationship privacy. Meddling in-laws sometimes want to invade the privacy between you and your partner. Set clear boundaries regarding what you will tell your in-laws and parents, because they often make terribly biased and unhelpful relationship counselors.
- Be a reporter. One of the best ways to keep conversations light is to ask questions and get your in-laws talking — about their work, childhood, interest in hedge trimming, etc. People love talking about themselves.
- Deflect — or at least postpone — negativity. If your in-law criticizes you, your partner, or a member of your family, simply smile and reply with a neutral comment, such as, “Think so?” Later, after the holidays are over and you have more control over the setting, you can share that it hurt your feelings.
- Play by their house rules. It’s the holidays, do you really need to make an issue out of whether or not you and your partner get to share a bedroom? Besides, who wants to have sex after overindulging in a massive, rich, holiday meal?
- Take a walk with your partner. Everyone understands the need for a walk after a big meal. So get out of the house and take some deep breaths together to remind yourselves of who you’re dating/living with/married to (i.e. not each other’s parents!).
This post has been updated.
Is Your Partner’s Mom a Tough Nut to Crack?
How to Win Over Their Mother at Thanksgiving
How to Navigate the Crappy Holidays When You’re Single (Video)
You’re not alone. Well, sure, you’re alone in the sense that you don’t have a cutie to go ice-skating with while clad in matching striped scarves from the Gap. But you’re not alone alone. Despite the onslaught of trailers for overly sentimental flicks featuring inspirational sports teams/family reunions/elf costumes, all those extra Kay Jewelers commercials (that actually make us pine for the Coors twins), and the music about love and joy that’s piped into every pharmacy — despite all that, love is not, actually, all around.
There’s Trump and war and infidelity and Trump and existential crises and depression and Trump and Roy Moore and Harvey Weinstein and people in those pharmacies fighting and pushing to get to the front of the line with their gift wrap, emergency box of tampons, and prescription meds, including alternative treatments for depression. Read more about some of these at HMHB.org.
It only feels like love’s all around because single people don’t spend as much money on holiday gifts and activities, so as far as Madison Avenue is concerned, you’re persona non grata. You might as well be an elf. So you and the other single people start hibernating — drinking Coors in dive bars, most likely — which makes you feel even more alone.
During this season, you might find yourself lingering in the self-help aisle at your local bookshop on Small Business Saturday, fingering titles like If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? and Healing Your Aloneness: Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child. (We wish we could say we made those titles up.) This extended holiday season is a romance pressure cooker guaranteed to make you feel like the kind of loser who might actually buy one of these books.
But maybe all your inner child needs is to pig out on some chocolate wrapped in red and green foil. The holidays never used to suck when you were a kid, even if Jeanie from the third grade didn’t get you a Christmas card. And it would never have occurred to you to pine for Jeanie on Christmas morning, because you were too busy ripping open your presents and watching your grandmother get soused. Give thanks this year that your to-do list for the season is as uncomplicated as when you were eight — except this time around, you’re allowed to get drunk, too!
And there are other blessings to be counted:
- You get to enjoy a year off from celebrating the holidays with someone else’s annoying and/or dysfunctional family — no pretending to like their mom’s Jell-O mold or fake-laughing at their dad’s bad jokes.
- You don’t have to worry that your partner will embarrass you in front of your family by burping, swearing, or talking about your oral sex acumen.
- And think of all the money you’re saving on presents! You don’t have to fret over whether your partner will break the $50 limit you agreed on, thereby making you look like a cheap bastard.
- You can get drunk at the office holiday party (that is, if they haven’t been cancelled this year) and gossip with all your coworkers without having to make your partner feel “included.” Then you can make out consensually with a colleague (not a boss or employee!) and pretend to be embarrassed about it for the rest of the year.
- Best of all, you can wear your comfy pants with the elastic waistband so you can properly indulge — after all, there’s no annoying girlfriend or boyfriend around to complain that they make you look like George Costanza.
Other steps you can take to survive this season from hell include:
- Doing your shopping early to avoid the worst of the commercial Cheez Whiz (or better yet, doing your shopping online to avoid the trampling masses).
- Getting together with your single friends and talking shit about your ex and all your annoying lovey-dovey coupled friends.
- Volunteering at a soup kitchen to put your own crappy holidays in perspective.
But whatever you do, don’t impulse-shop for a boyfriend or girlfriend just because everyone tells you it sucks to be alone at the holidays. Remember those “a puppy is for life, not just for Christmas” ads? Don’t confuse warm, fuzzy yuletide feelings with the desire to be in a relationship — it’s not true love, it’s just the eggnog. And the hangover’s a bitch.
“Crappy Holidays” originally appeared as an entry in our book Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping & Getting Dumped. This post has been updated.
Read more of our Thanksgiving advice:
Love in the Time of Turkey
Roy Moore: Right Winger (Hair Band Meets Hypocritical Politician)
Roy Moore: Right Winger (Hair Band Meets Hypocrite) https://t.co/CrcenZF1Su pic.twitter.com/Y27Zjvo6bQ
— Em & Lo (@emandlo) November 16, 2017
For more on shitty sexual predators:
Is What Louis CK Did Rape?
The Power and Pitfalls of Consent (Louis CK Part II)
The Weinsteins of the World Get Permission in a Million Little Ways Every Day
10 Easy Ways Not to Be a Misogynist Pig Like Trump
LELO Makes Sonic Waves with the SONA & the SONA CRUISE!
Leave it to our friends at LELO to make a sex toy that addresses the misconception that the clitoris is just that little man in a boat you can see and tries to target the entire extensive clitoral network of innervated tissue beneath the surface that extends throughout the pelvic region.
Meet the Sona and the Sona Cruise, two sister pleasure objects that utilize sonic waves and pulses to deliver sensations that are more than skin deep. According to LELO, they stimulate 75% more of the clitoris than conventional vibes, because rather than applying stimulation directly and only on the surface, the Sona creates sonic waves via the “pad” in its “mouth” that reverberate into the clitoral head and are transmitted throughout its entire structure.
Another unique feature that sets them apart: the Sonas don’t need to come in direct contact with the clitoral head for them to deliver powerful sensations, which means sensitive little bunnies can enjoy more pleasure for longer!
The Features
Like almost all LELO’s, the Sona and the Sona Cruise have these attractive features:
- Completely Waterproof – Made from a single piece of silicone, this one-piece design keeps it watertight, even at the charging socket. So you can take it to the shower, the bath or the hot tub!
- Fully USB Rechargeable – A one hour charge will give you an hour of go-time
- Multiple Pleasure Settings – 8 stimulation patterns that you can increase or decrease in strength
- Quiet – Since the Sona isn’t a traditional vibrator, it doesn’t sound like one. Great for those who like to be discreet.
- Easy to Clean – Unlike novelties, LELOs come with care and cleaning instructions.
- 1 Year Warranty – Plus a 10-year quality guarantee!
Sona Cruise Control
The Sona Cruise has an additional perk: “cruise control. That means when it’s pressed hard against your body it won’t drop its power, so you get a consistent, hassle-free experience. It’s not a setting, it’s completely automatic, and it eliminates the single most common complaint against pleasure products.
Does It Create Wind?
Since we’re all about safety, we wanted to be sure its sonic waves weren’t actually creating wind. Because fun scary fact: if a person were to create a seal with their mouth around the vaginal opening and then blow inside, there’s a small chance it could create an air bubble that gets into the bloodstream and then causes a fatal embolism. So we reached out to LELO and asked them: If someone inserted the tip into their vaginal opening (rather than applying externally to their clitoral head), is there any chance this could happen? Here’s what they said:
There’s a false equivalency at work here: SONA does not create wind in the same way as, say, blowing into the vagina. If you were to blow into a person, you have about 6 liters of lung capacity to convert into exhalation, injecting air into it. SONA has no respiratory capacity at all, so it’s simply not a comparable scenario as SONA has no air to inject. SONA only resonates the existing air, it doesn’t add more, so in direct answer to your question, no, there is no chance at all of an embolism.
On Sale NOW!
At the time of this printing, the Sona Cruise is 45% OFF and the Sona is a whopping 54% OFF! More than half off a luxury LELO? Deals don’t get much sweeter than that!
Do It Tonight! The Pre-Sex Massage
We regularly post quick and easy tips you can take home with you and try out on any given night. Whether you’re a newbie, a playa, or a committed monogamist, you have no excuse for not putting a little effort into your lovin’ every now and then, like with a pre-sex massage.
The Pre-Sex Massage
Couples, the next time you have sex, treat your partner to a 20-minute (minimum) massage first. Turn up the heat in the room, turn down the lights, undress them, and give them an all-over body rub-down, avoiding the obvious erogenous zones until the very end. No need to use oil or put on Enya, but if you do the former, just remember to keep it away from genitals as it can lead to vaginal infection and break down condoms. If you do the latter, we can’t help you.
For specific tips on pre-sex massage technique, check out these helpful articles:
- The Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts of Sensual Massage
- 5 More Sensual Massage No No’s
- One of the Best Foreplay Tools Ever Invented
- A Fantastic Video Guide to Couples Massage
[Updated post]
Thanks to You, We’re Sex Blogger Superheroes!
Thanks to everyone who nominated us for Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex Bloggers list! We made the cut, along with a lot of other cool sites we’re honored to share the space with.
Like Kinkly says:
…it’s easy to take for granted how much the internet has done for sex education. No matter who you are or where you are, you can log on and connect with whatever you need — including other people just like you. You can get the sex education your school won’t give you. Or, if you’re an adult, the one you never got. You can find out that that fantasy you have is perfectly normal, because, look!, other people fantasize about the same thing. You can learn how to use contraception and, if it’s hard to come by where you live, perhaps where to get it. You can learn how to have better sex, how to treat your partner better and with more respect, how to bring more pleasure into your body. You can learn about sex toys and how to use them — and choose them. And, perhaps most importantly, you can figure out how to have the kind of sex you want to have, starting with what that might mean for you. When it comes to sex, getting good information online may not be brand new, but something is definitely happening here in the sense that the information available is more readily available, of higher quality and easier to find.
We’ve always believed that the best sex advice is universal, no matter your gender, junk or orientation. Over the past almost 20 years, we’ve tried to offer insight and suggestions to help make sexual relationships more informed, respectful, egalitarian, and just. But we’ve tried to balance out our earnestness with a healthy sense of humor and lots of ridiculous ’80s pop culture references. We hope you find EMandLO.com informative yet fun, opinionated but not (too) judgmental, philosophically complex yet down-to-earth, sexy but never sleazy, progressive and ethical.
Thank you so much for being here!
Search our Sex Advice Archive!
What Are the Best Intercourse Positions for Shallow Penetration to Avoid Cervical Pain?
This week, a reader wants to know what the best positions for shallow penetration are. Got your own sex or relationship question? Send it to us here and we’ll do our very best to answer it!
Hi Em & Lo,
So me and my boyfriend have been struggling to figure out positions to where he stops hitting my cervix. My cervix opening is only about 3 inches into my vagina and it’s making intercourse very tricky. I do not have a tilted uterus or anything and I got a Paraguard IUD inserted about 3 months ago and my gyno never said anything, except there were complications with my cervix during the procedure. Do you know any tips or positions that might reduce him hitting a shallow cervix? Thank you very much for your time!
— Prob-positioned
Dear P,
First thing’s first: if this cervical discomfort started happening only after you got your IUD, you should definitely speak with your gynecologist about possible IUD-related complications.
Assuming everything’s A-OK with your IUD, let’s move on to the wonderful world of positions:
Not every heterosexual couple fits together perfectly. She might be petite and his penis might be bigger than average. She might be tall and his penis might be smaller than average. One might be slim and the other husky. He might love doggy style but she hates G-spot stimulation. All hetero couples need to work together to find sexual techniques and intercourse positions that they both enjoy comfortably. This requires communication and compromise, things that may not come naturally for people brought up on romance (when it’s right, the sex will be magical) and/or porn (tricky positions produce squirting money shots on demand!).
Obviously, you want to avoid the positions that provide deep penetration. These are often the standard go-to position for guys that usually feel great for them and thus make a lot of appearances in porn: the missionary position (especially with the woman’s legs up and out, or over his shoulders, or bent and back, maybe even as far as her ears!) and doggy style. These are two positions that allow him to thrust away without much restraint, which means your cervix can get a real pounding.
Instead, think of positions that do at least one of two things:
1) Put you in control of the motion.
AND/OR
2) Limit his mobility.
Any position where you’re on top will help you control the thrusting motion, speed and depth. And talk with him about trying to resist bucking up against you like a bronco. You might find Reverse Cowgirl especially effective, since the angle is a little trickier than forward-facing Cowgirl and you can put some weight on his legs with your hands, arms or torso.
But you’ll have the most versatility with positions for shallow penetration in which you’re both lying down fairly flat with your own legs fairly close together. We’re talking:
The Coital Alignment Technique (C.A.T.): read up on it here.
The Reverse Coital Alignment Technique: read up on it here.
Spooning sex: you’re both lying on your sides and he comes in from behind. Keep your legs together for less depth.
Overlapping legs: One of you is on the bottom, the other on top, in a sorted shifted missionary where one of your legs is between your partner’s legs and your other is outside theirs. This means penetration will be aimed off to one side, rather than straight for the cervix.
Perpendicular sex: He’s on his side, you lie on your back perpendicular to him, with your legs over his hips so your genitals line up. This may not work for you, but it’s worth a try.
Lazy doggy: you’re both fairly flat and his legs are on either side of yours.
You can also try Standing-Up sex — it’s the same idea as most of the above: you’re both flat against each other with an angle of penetration that prevents deep penetration. Just resist the temptation to jump up and wrap your legs around him!
Now, while we’re all for encouraging you to try lots of different positions, we’re also big fans of NOT equating sex with intercourse, especially since so many women have trouble climaxing from intercourse alone. There are many routes to orgasm, and despite conventional wisdom (thanks Freud!), intercourse is not the best/most mature/ideal/only one. Stop thinking of intercourse as the end game of all sexual encounters, and a whole new playing field of sexual possibilities opens up: handwork, oral, sex toys, mutual masturbation, anal play… As long as you both end up at the destination of Pleasured and Satisfied, who cares how you get there?
Striking a pose,
Em & Lo
P.S. Thank you for debunking the myth that all straight women automatically want 7 inches or more in the bedroom.
Rethink intercourse:
8 Ideas for Improving the Old In-Out
7 Tips for Determining Who Pays on a Date
Do people even go on dates anymore? It may be a dying tradition, but they still happen. And while they may be cheap, they ain’t never free. So who pays on a date?
This is the 21st century: the old assumption that the man always coughs up doesn’t fly anymore. There might not even be a man on your date! Better to assume the parties on the date will share all costs — it establishes a sense of egalitarianism in any budding relationship and avoids any weird power dynamics that might result from one person paying and feeling owed something. This should be standard with online dating, where everyone is looking and whoever “officially” does the asking first is fairly arbitrary.
But some people still think it’s nice to “gift” someone a fun time, so consider these 7 rules for determining who pays.
- Whoever did the asking can assume they’re paying for the whole date, if they’d like. Offering to do so is a nice gesture, but it’s not necessary. (And straight ladies, you should be asking as much as you’re being asked out! Remember: 21st century and all that jazz…)
- That said, if you’ve been asked out, you should always assume you’ll be going dutch to, yes, instill a sense of egalitarianism in any budding relationship early on…and to avoid disappointment. Bring cash so you don’t end up washing dishes.
- When the check comes, the one who was asked out should offer to go halvsies — and they should try to sound like they mean it. If the one asked out really forcefully insists on splitting the bill, the one who did the asking should seriously consider graciously honoring the request as a way to — we’ll say it again — instill a sense of egalitarianism in this budding relationship (after all, that’s probably the intent of the person forcefully insisting on splitting).
- If you end up sharing the bill, it’s nice to split it evenly, even if one of you got lobster — think of it as paying for the experience of dining out together. Exact breakdowns are usually for roomies, siblings, and other people with no possibility of eventually getting naked together.
- In a battle of the Amexes, you can defer to the one who did the asking (maybe they really want the miles). Though it’s really no longer considered high maintenance to have the server run two cards.
- If your date absolutely insists on getting the whole thing, this is your excuse to extend the date. Offer to buy cocktails, coffee or dessert at the bar/cafe across the street, or insist the next date’s on you. If there will be no next date (in large part because they insisted on getting the whole thing despite your protestations), then thank them kindly before you never see them again — no false promises required.
- Though we’d like to believe that everyone knows better by now, we should note that no matter how much your date spends on dinner, you do not owe them a thing in the booty department — not even a kiss.
This post has been updated.
My Boyfriend Masturbates to Facebook Friends — Is That Normal?
Dear Em & Lo,
My ex and I were in a relationship for just over 2 years. We broke up recently as he preferred to masturbate to his friends Facebook photos than have sex with me. I had known about it all throughout the relationship and tried to get him to stop. It really killed my self esteem and now he’s trying to tell me it’s normal for guys to do this, but wont confess his “habit” to anyone else. It hurts because I know he is playing the victim card to all his family and friends without telling them the whole story and now I feel like I’m the one with the problem.
Is this normal? Am I overreacting? How do you deal with something like this? HELP!
— Exed Out
Dear E.O.,
Two years is a long time, so of course you’re feeling a lot of pain from this breakup. Especially when he’s trying to make you feel like you’re the bad guy for having certain sexual standards and then advertising you as such to friends and family without, shall we say, coming clean. There’s no way around it: it’s a total bummer.
We can’t really speak to what is “normal.” Proclivities and preferences vary so greatly that it’s not only unfair, but damn near impossible, to categorize sexual activities into two distinct boxes labeled “normal” and “abnormal.” But the fact that he won’t admit this habit to others seems to undermine his claim that all guys do it. We would not begrudge you feeling a little vindication over that.
What we can speak to is what is right for you. Obviously, you were hurt by his particular habit. It’s okay to want a partner who prefers sex with you over porn. It’s okay to hope a partner’s masturbatory habits involve more anonymous fantasies rather than actual friends and neighbors (which can make dinner parties mighty awkward). While we acknowledge that many successful relationships include compromise, it’s okay to have certain red lines that you don’t want crossed (e.g. Facebook being a masturbation-free zone). In other words, what worked for him clearly didn’t work for you — and, again, that’s okay. You had the self-awareness to know this relationship was not good for your own self-esteem and got out. That is to be commended.
As far as “how to deal with something like this” goes: You can’t control his behavior, only your own. So feel good about ending a relationship that clearly wasn’t right for you, be confident in your own sexual preferences, and then get out there and find someone who shares them!
— Em & Lo
Trying to get over an ex?
Visit Our Breakup Archive!
The 10 Sexiest Scary Movies
A lot of horror movies just throw in the obligatory topless scene and consider that “sexy.” We’re raising the bar here. All the movies below (except one) receive fresh ratings on RottenTomatoes.com’s Tomatometer and were seminal contributions to the horror genre in some way. Or else they just tickled our fright fancy. (There was some natural crossover with our recent “10 Most Romantic ‘Monster’ Movies” post, but we left off any of those to avoid repetition.) The sexy scary flicks are listed in chronological order (there’s only one real spoiler, which we’ve alerted you to below). Let us know in the comments which other titles we should have made the “sexiest scary movies” cut.
1. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)
The somnabulist that Dr. Caligari keeps in a coffin is tall, pale, dressed in black, and wears lots of goth makeup — in other words, totally sexy! When it comes to tormenting pretty ladies dressed in white, we’ll take him over 1922’s long-nosed Nosferatu any day. “Portlandia” did a whole sketch on how The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is one of those films you know you should watch (it’s a landmark, cinematic masterpiece of German Expressionism!) but you never do. Do it finally! (We’ve embedded the full movie above.)
2. Cat People (1942)
Not to be confused with the graphic cheese-fest that was the 1982 remake, this moody, suspenseful thriller subtly tackled big issues for the time: sexism, sexual abuse, the power of female sexuality, and the dangers of jealousy. The main character refuses to consummate her marriage for fear she’ll turn into a ferocious panther when aroused, a condition caused by her repressive and abusive childhood. One can imagine ISIS using it as a propagandistic cautionary tale; they’d be missing the point.
3. Horror of Dracula (1958)
Time Out London’s list of the top 100 horror films of all time put this film at #74. Here’s what they had to say:
The British horror boom which ran from the late ’50s until the early ’70s received short shrift on this list – which is disappointing for great films like ‘Curse of Frankenstein’, ‘Theatre of Blood’ and ‘Death Line’, but perhaps inevitable given the fact that so many films of the period have aged so poorly. But it’s no surprise to see a solid placing for the film which started it all, Hammer’s (for the time) groundbreakingly savage and saucy take on Stoker’s classic novel, and one of the key works in the modernisation of horror. All those frilly frocks, heaving cleavages and creaky sets don’t look especially modern now, but this was the film which clarified forever the link between vampires and eroticism, as embodied by Lee’s stately, stalking presence as the ultimate gentleman sex fiend.
We agree.
4. Daughters of Darkness (1971)
The fabulous silver sequined dress Delphine Seyrig wears as the ageless Countess at an old grand seaside hotel is enough to get this Belgian movie on our list. But her and her sapphic sidekick’s sensually sadistic seduction of two sad honeymooners scream sexy with a capital S. (That’s a lot of esses.)
Bonus: DoD reminds us of another disturbing seventies flick: Andy Warhol’s Flesh for Frankenstein (1974), an over-the-top camp concoction that shamelessly mixes sex and gore until the two are indistinguishable.
5. Don’t Look Now (1973)
Super creepy movie about the tragic death of a daughter from the perspective of the two parents trying to keep reality from descending into horror (yeah, good luck with that!). It’s beautifully shot in Venice, which is sexy in and of itself, but what makes it stand out is the incredibly realistic sex scene between husband and wife intercut with post-sex shots of them getting ready for the evening. One of the most intimate sex scenes ever made. Just remember it was the 70s — hopefully you can get past the flute music and Donald Sutherland’s perm.
6. Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
It’s about the sexual awakening — and then some — of a conservative, virginal couple (Susan Sarandon and Barry Boswick) in the hands of Frank N. Furter (Tim Curry), the mad scientist who’s incredibly and inspiringly comfortable in his “transvestite” skin. Almost every song in this twisted cult classic send up of old sci-fi and B-horror is an ode to sensuality. “Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me” sung by Sarandon’s Janet is pretty obvious (“I wanna be dirty/Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me”) but there’s no sexier line than the one from “Rose Tint My World” sung by the newly empowered Janet: “I feel released/Bad times deceased/My confidence has increased/Reality is here.”
7. The Hunger (1983)
Another Susan Sarandon vehicle, The Hunger is the only one on our list not to get a fresh rating on RottenTomatoes.com. But come on, it’s got Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie as vampire lovers! (Pictured at the top of this post.) That’s the definition of sexy. Add to that the lesbian “love” scene between Deneuve and Sarandon, plus the kickass soundtrack (with Bach’s Cello Suite #1 alongside Bauhaus’s goth classic, “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”), and we’re giving this a thumbs up.
8. Angel Heart (1987)
Spoiler alert: If you can get past the the fact that the sex scene involves an adult (played by Mickey Rourke) fucking a minor (played by Lisa “Cosby Show” Bonet)…who’s mother is his ex-lover…whom he murdered…and who, it turns out, is his daughter from that dead ex-lover…whom he will kill after they have sex…by shooting her in the freakin’ vajayjay, well then that scene is pretty damned hot (emphasis on the damned).
9. American Psycho (2000)
We realize that by including American Psycho in this list, we’re guilty of the same kind of sexually shallow, consumeristic, image-conscious obsession the movie (based on the Bret Easton Ellis book) is making fun of with its sexually shallow, consumeristic, image-conscious obsessed, serial-killing main character. But it’s not often that movies gaze so lovingly and longingly (however ironically) at the idealized male form (yet another reason Hollywood needs more female directors like this one’s, Mary Harron). So Christian Bale’s chiseled pecs and glutes earn the film a spot on our list.
10. Thirst (2009)
In his 1996 essay “Hail the Returning Dragon, Clothed in New Fire,” David Foster Wallace argued that obstacles are what make sex meaningful and sexy (dragons got in the way of maidens, AIDS got in the way malaise-inducing free love). South Korea’s Thirst is a tale with some serious obstacles: he’s a Catholic priest, she’s a married woman; he’s a vampire, she’s not…not yet at least. It doesn’t get much more forbidden than that.
MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:
- 10 Most Romantic “Monster” Movies
- How to Have Sex with a Vampire
- Halloween Is for Roleplaying
- How Not to Kiss Like a Zombie
