English and Scottish ballads from centuries past — most famously collected by 19th-century American folk scholar Francis J. Childs and delightfully creepily illustrated in the 1912 book Ballads Weird and Wonderful — were pretty, pretty, pretty salacious. Illicit sex? Check! Murder most foul? Check! Spooky spirits? Check! Satisfyingly, “The Cruel Mother” — and it’s numerous versions — have all of the above. Our favorite version is “The Minister’s Daughter of New York,” which goes the extra step in describing the antagonist’s secret affair, the romantic mistake that ultimately leads to death and damnation. Happy Mother’s Day!
“The Minister’s Daughter of New York”
Anonymous Scottish Ballad
The minister’s daughter of New York,
Hey wi the rose and the lindic, 0
Has faen in love wi her father’s clerk.
Alone by the green burn sidie, 0
She courted him six years and a day,
At length her belly did her betray.
She did her down to the greenwood gang,
To spend awa a while o her time.
She lent her back unto a thorn,
And she’s got her twa bonny boys born.
She’s taen the ribbons frae her hair,
Bound their bodyes fast and sair.
She’s put them aneath a marble stane.
Thinking a maiden to gae hame.
Looking oer her castle wa,
She spied her bonny boys at the ha.
‘0 bonny babies, if ye worn mine,
I woud feed you with the white bread and wine.
‘I woud feed you wi the ferra cow’s milk,
And dress you in the finest silk.’
‘0 cruel mother, when we were thine,
We saw none of your bread and wine.
‘We saw none of your ferra cow’s milk,
Nor worn we of your finest silk.’
‘0 bonny babies, can ye tell me,
What sort of death for you I must die?’
‘Yes, cruel mother, we’11 tell to thee,
What sort of death for us you must die.
‘Seven years a fowl in the woods,
Seven years a fish in the floods.
‘Seven years to be a church bell,
Seven years a porter in hell.’
‘Welcome, welcome, fowl in the wood[s],
Welcome, welcome, fish in the flood[s].
‘Welcome, welcome, to be a church bell,
But heavens keep me out of hell.’
Needing advice pls. A man that I once knew many years ago contacted me on Facebook 2 years ago and supposedly had searched me out for 10 years. Before we got separated….mind you, we never had sex, he laid a kiss on my forehead to say goodbye to me before I moved out of state later that same day. Only after I left town did he reveal to me that he was in love with me. Fast forward….after he reached out, I learned that he was married and I wished him well via email, but then admitted that I loved him too. That’s the only email we ever exchanged, and I told him that because I respected his married status now that we couldn’t be digital friends. ..this was in 2013. In 2014 I’m looking through my Twitter account and see that he’s following me. He said that he was happily married, yet he contacted a woman (me) who he never even kissed on the mouth or touched intimately aside from that forehead kiss. I can’t stop thinking about him. What’s the deal?
— The One Who Got Away?
What Should OWGA do?
Let her know in the comments below:
When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we’re compelled to create an ongoing, superlative series of Getty “sex” search images, where we find the best photos by themes so you don’t have to sift through the sludge. This week, the warmer weather got us thinking about pedicures, which got us thinking about foot fetishes….
When our friends and sponsors over at LELO teased on social media late last week about their next big thing — the best advance in condom design since the reservoir tip — people were split:
Is the new LELO condom an elaborate April Fool’s hoax or a genuine innovative product?
LELO is no stranger to pulling pranks around April Fool’s Day. Do you remember their hilarious GASM and DEXTRUS ‘product’ launches? But are peoples’ perceptions of condoms so “meh” that they really couldn’t believe a condom upgrade could be genuine?
Here’s the truth: LELO HEX is coming this summer, 2016 — for real. No joke.
It has been close to 70 years since the invention of the latex condom, followed by lubrication and the addition of the reservoir tip shortly thereafter. Since then, innovation appears to have stalled; beyond superficial additions like ribs, dots and flavors, or alternative materials like polyisoprene or polyurethane for the latex intolerant, the actual design of the condom remains as it was all those years ago.
“Customers simply don’t believe a better condom is possible now,” says Steve Thomson, Chief Marketing Officer at LELO, “and that has terrible consequences in terms of reduced usage rates among young adults, which clearly have an impact on the spread of STIs.”
86% of people have not changed their preferred brand of condoms in the past year
If people don’t like to wear condoms, why don’t they try something new?!
Because there’s nothing genuinely new on the market. LELO interviewed several experts, all of whom agreed that in order to convince more people to wear condoms, a legit update to the current design is required:
“There are countless innovations in the world of sexual pleasure, sex education, and sexual health, but the condom has remained basically the same . . . . We’ve had something that works reasonably well enough, so brands weren’t pushing to completely reinvent it, just improve on the existing models. [But] for many people who do have easy access to condoms, a major reason for not using condoms, or not using them consistently, is the fact they don’t like them.”
— Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, a sex researcher, writer and professor at NYU in Human Sexuality
“I am not sure if [condoms] had smart enough design for the generation that is used to the slick design of smart phones, however knowing LELO and its innovative designers, I am hopeful.”
— Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, Chair of the Communication Committee at American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT)
“Our society and business culture does not encourage people to innovate and disrupt in the area of sex. Society and business throw up huge obstacles for anyone trying to innovate…The major global condom manufacturers go to great lengths to ensure a virtual monopoly.”
— Cindy Gallop, respected feminist activist
Ingenuity is where HEX comes in. Based on their past, high quality innovations in pleasure, we’re confident LELO is going to change the way the world looks at great safer sex by changing the condom — finally! — for the better.
SIGN UP HERE to get sneak peaks, early access to giveaways, and exclusive deals on the imminent launch of HEX!
Paint the walls a deep red (or just on the sheets or pillows if red walls is too much of a commitment!). Add mood lighting with dimmers. Load up on lots of pillows. Install long curtains (would any boudoir be caught dead with short curatins, or worse, shades?). You should have a nightstand drawer that’s easy to reach with all your props (toys, lubricant, condoms, etc). Place a big mirror where you can see yourselves from the bed (or at least put it somewhere so you can easily position yourselves in front of it). Banish TVs and computers from this sacred space. KonMari Method the shit out of the room and declutter! You can even throw down a faux sheepskin rug. Just no animal prints!
2. Make a purposeful playlist for sex.
Surprise your partner with a sex mix and let the songs lead the way. And we’re not talking about taking the easy way out with the “Chilled R&B” station on Spotify. No, create a playlist hand-curated by you for you and your partner with songs you know you’ll both like to boink to. And don’t limit yourself to just one. Create different playlists with different moods for different kinds of sex. Some fun sexy song like “Pony” by Ginuwine at the beginning of a mix might make you feel frisky and confident and in control (no need to do a full on strip tease a la Magic Mike, but who knows, you might feel inspired!). Mellow songs like “I’ve Been Thinking” by Handsome Boy Modeling School featuring Cat Power might help you lie back and enjoy yourself without stressing about what’s happening next. Other songs, like “Cockiness” by Rihanna or “Desire” by Meg Meyers, might make you want to get in touch with your inner dom.
3. Visit a clean, well-lit sex toy shop together.
Gone are the days of the seedy sex shop. Okay, they still exist. But for every one of those, there’s a nice, friendly, feminist sex shop somewhere nearby. You’ll totally crack up at some of the more ridiculous toys that you’d never be comfortable with (and laughter is a great prelude for sex), but somewhere in there, you’re bound to find something you both like. Just being in public together looking at these toys, entertaining their possibility, can be a turn-on. If you’re too shy for that, log onto a store like GoodVibes.com or LELO.com together with a bottle of wine. It’s not quite so much instant gratification, but you can shop together in your sexiest underwear, and you might end up with a whole different kind of instant gratification!
4. Start foreplay right after breakfast
(and make it last all day).
All-day foreplay can include saucy text messages, voicemails, a suggestive polaroid of yourself slipped into their planner, a passionate open mouthed 10 second kiss right before you leave for work in the morning (rather than just a peck on the cheek) — these little affections will put a bounce in both your steps and keep you thinking about racing to get through the day. Call or text your partner on your way home and tell them what you’re planning on doing when you get there. Leave each other sexy assignments on Post-it Notes, or just leave a sexy book with a bookmark in it at a certain spot, e.g. a position you want to try, a passage you want to read together… Leave the book open on their bed, or pop it in their bag for reading on the way to the office.
5. Become sexy study partners.
Take a sexy class together with homework assignments, or just rent an instructional video and set aside one day a week as your class time. Examples of classes include erotic writing, sensual cooking, or even slightly technical classes about specific moves or embraces, like Tantra or sensual massage. Get out of your comfort zone together. You can always learn something new and when you learn it together it keeps things exciting. You could even wear a tie and/or knee-length socks to add to the fun. Bare minimum, buy our book SEX: How to Do Everything for some some new ideas.
6. Dress each other up.
Don’t wear your comfy pizza-stained sweats every night. Go clothes shopping together, and help each other pick stuff out you both like. If either of you can’t stand shopping for clothes, then make a special trip to the lingerie store/high-end underwear shop (we’re talking a step up from Victoria’s Secret). Or else, go your own separate ways: agree to purchase a new cool undergarment for yourself and wear it underneath on a date so you can surprise each other later — you both know you’ve got something new on but have to wait until the end of the night to see! Or buy an item of clothing for yourself that is way too racy for you to wear in public, and wear it for an at-home dinner and a movie date. Boudoir-style clothing can be super comfy and super-sexy, and are a great way to turn a movie night into a hot and heavy make-out session on the couch. If you’re on a budget, just pick out each other’s outfits for an evening date (all the way down to the underwear).
7. Have sex like teenagers.
Start at a movie and make out in the back row, then pull over your car somewhere deserted on the way home and have sex. You’d be surprised how hard it is to find a place to park where you won’t get caught… and just driving around like that, trying to find the right place, acts as a kind of foreplay. Or, have a quickie somewhere in semi-public, i.e. it feels kind of like you’re doing it in public but you’re pretty sure you’d never get caught. For example: on a totally abandoned beach, in the office after hours behind a locked door, in the woods camping. Or even go junior high: make fun of each other in a way that leads to a wrestling match on the couch or a tickle fest.
8. Bring a Polaroid camera into the bedroom.
In the age of infinite digital pics, there’s something so seductively retro about analogue photos. And as long as you keep your mitts on the hard copies, there’s no way to accidentally send them out to your entire email address book! Which is why they make for great naughty photo sessions. The Fuji Instax Mini 8 and the Polaroid Pic-300 are good options — both produce small instant photos that develop before your eyes. If you want to spice it up even more, why not opt for a boudoir photography session and have some professional pictures taken? Photographers know all the best angles and poses and can make you look foxy as ever! Talk to one of the boudoir photographers Edmonton has if you want to learn more about these empowering photoshoots. There’s nothing that could really go wrong!
9. Make your partner your love sub for a night.
You don’t have to adopt the whole BDSM lifestyle to dabble in a little kink. Tell them, “You’ll do whatever I say for the next two hours”. That includes reading to you from your favorite saucy novel, drawing you a bath, washing your hair, giving you a massage, kissing you here…and here….and here. It’s a great way to talk dirty, communicate what you want and actually get it, while not having to worry about pleasing your partner. If you like to have your feet tickled and rubbed, you can even make them give you a pedi. Then, next week, it’s your turn to be their love toy. Just be sure you’re both setting ground rules about (what you will and won’t do) and not abusing your power.
10. Schedule a dirty weekend together.
Book a weekend (or even just a night) at a hotel together so that the whole weekend (or night and morning after) is dedicated to sex. It doesn’t have to be a super-fancy hotel, though the nicer hotels often have great deals off-season or midweek (maybe if a birthday or anniversary falls mid-week, you can make a school-night exception). The novelty of a new space will automatically make the sex feel fresher, more exciting. You can even pretend to be strangers in the hotel bar!
SEX is one big cosmic joke. Just consider the placement of the genitals in regards to the exit of the digestive system! Desire often turns us into pathetic, desperate, vulnerable bonobos making funny noises and weird faces, bonking heads with elbows and other often imperfect and occasionally faulty body parts. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. So let’s yuck it up with these funny sex photos curated from Getty Images:
When you think of vasectomies, you think of silver-streaked, 40-something dads with 2.5 kids. But plenty of guys in their 20s and 30s undergo the snip — the safe, quick, relatively painless and permanent form of birth control for men. (Compare it to the more common tubal ligation that women undergo, which is more invasive, more expensive, more painful, and requires more downtime.) We spoke with several urologists about the common reasons younger men have the hot water turned off:
“I just don’t trust girls to take their pills or get their shots on time and I don’t like condoms. My friend got a girl pregnant when a condom slipped off and he’ll be paying child support for the next 18 years because she would not get an abortion. I don’t think I will ever want kids, but if I ever meet the right girl, we will either adopt or I will take my chances with a reversal.”
“I just don’t want to bring a kid into the world the way it is. There are too many problems and I don’t see the world situation improving.”
“I just don’t like kids, and neither does my girlfriend. My brother has 3 kids and I never envy him. I can come and go as I please, travel, and spend my money on my hobbies and toys. If I ever change my mind, we can adopt or I can take my chances with a reversal. But right now a pregnancy would be more of a problem that would be failure of a reversal in the future.”
“I have bipolar disorder [or any other hereditary disease], as did my mother, and I just don’t want to pass that on, so if I ever want kids, I’ll try adoption.”
“My girlfriend has had brittle diabetes since she was a child and pregnancy would be very risky for her. She cannot take hormones, an IUD was very uncomfortable, and we both hate condoms.”
“My partner is older and already has 2 kids and we have our hands full with them. She could get her tubes tied, but vasectomy is so much easier.”
“My girlfriend and I are quite spontaneous just not very careful. She got pregnant one night when we both drank too much and thought we did not need a condom because it was the wrong time of month. Then she got pregnantagain when she took antibiotics while on birth control pills (she forgot she wasn’t supposed to). That’s 2 abortions! Not very fun and quite expensive, especially for someone with my income. So we want something we can depend on.”
“I’m an environmentalist concerned with the big problem of overpopulation and finite resources. Not producing another polluting burden on the earth is one of the best things I can do for the planet. If I eventually want kids, I’ll adopt.”
“I knew I never wanted to become a parent, and a vasectomy was the most permanent, most foolproof way of ensuring I would not become a parent accidentally. Intellectually, I know that parenthood makes some people happy, much the same way I know that being a chef makes some people happy. I have exactly zero desire to be a chef, and exactly zero desire to be a parent. The difference is, a forgotten pill or ripped condom doesn’t run the risk of turning me into a chef in nine months. “
“I had one unintended child with a girl I had a short-term relationship with when the condom failed. Now I have to pay child support but she challenges my visitation rights all the time. It’s been difficult. I just don’t want to repeat the scenario. I’ve had my semen stored should I change my mind.”
“We had kids young and we don’t want any more. We want our lives back some day!”
It’s always the quiet ones. Introverted Emily Dickinson led a solitary life in a 19th century Puritanical Massachusetts community — the kind of ascetic, lonely life that really knows true longing and yearning. Think of St. Teresa, the 14th century cloistered nun whose description of her ecstatic vision of God is hotter than most erotica. When spirituality is acceptable and sex isn’t, it’s no wonder the two start to look alike. And so you get something like Dickinson’s “Come slowly — Eden!” (1861), which on the surface is about the overwhelming joys of Paradise. But come on, Em, you’re not fooling anyone: The erotic tension of anticipation? The virgin lips tasting the sweetest thing for the first time? The phallic imagery of the bee entering the vulvar flower? The longing for release, but oh, not too quickly?! Don’t let anyone tell you Emily Dickinson was a prude.
Come slowly—Eden!
by Emily Dickinson
Come slowly—Eden!
Lips unused to Thee—
Bashful—sip thy Jessamines—
As the fainting Bee—
Reaching late his flower,
Round her chamber hums—
Counts his nectars—
Enters—and is lost in Balms.
There are popular themes that come up again and again in people’s fantasies. We’re curious if they figure in your dirty thoughts. We created two polls, one for ladies and, below that, one for men. If your favorite fantasy isn’t listed here, let us know what it is in the comments below! Check back later for more vigorous results.
Is your fave fantasy missing?
Let us know in the comments below!
Whether you’re married, living together, or committed for a couple of years, it’s perfectly normal for the sex and passion to wane. The mystery, romance and butterflies of new lust & love cannot be maintained indefinitely. But it shouldn’t disappear all together, either. A good, healthy, satisfying sex life in a long-term, committed relationship takes work. So let’s find out how hard you two have been working:
Sex in public is all about discretion. You want to enjoy yourself, but not at the expense of other people’s comfort and dignity. They just want to have their drink in peace, not be unwitting voyeurs of your not-so-private fantasy. As the old saying goes, it doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
Well, PicoBong wants to help you do it in the streets without frightening the horses.
Introducing their Remoji, a new app they’re developing that allows you to control the pleasure of your partner remotely via four brand new sex toys designed for both women AND men. With Bluetooth technology, you’ll be able to tap, poke and swipe the app to control sensations in the various toys. According to PicoBong:
Remoji™ is all about vibes – sexual vibes, music vibes, YOUR vibes. Inspired by pop culture and music, the app delivers vibrations linked to different music styles but also encourages you to create your own patterns by tapping and swiping the screen following your own rhythm. And Remoji™ doesn’t need to be kept to the confines of the bedroom. Imagine all the music festivals this summer and enjoying your favorite beats in a brand new dimension 😉
So what type of new toys does Remoji control?
1. DIVER:Designed with discreet pleasure in mind, this one has all the right curves to hit her G-spot. Insert the circular end and the handle will hit her clitoris when worn under undies.
2. BLOWHOLE:This male masturbation M-Cup creates totally unique sensations that will blow him away. If you want to wear this one out while your partner uses the app to control the sensations, you might need a big, bulky sweater for discretion. 😉
3. LIFEGUARD:A stretchy silicone love ring that accommodates all sizes to keep him bumping to the beat all night long. It fits around his shaft (or both the shaft and testicles), offering snug vibrations and stimulation. Press up against him and you’ll get to enjoy things too!
4. SURFER: A sleek, vibrating butt plug made from silicone with the requisite flared base for preventing total wipeouts — perfect for first-timers and pros alike. (Get two so you can take each other on a mutual joy ride!)
Even though you’ve heard for years that all people love [fill in the blank], you just don’t. You — or your partner — think (or at least hope) you’ll eventually grow to like it, or even love it. You want to love it. You want to make your partner happy and give them the pleasure they desire. But maybe you feel silly doing it, or you’re unsure of how to do it, or your upbringing has told you “good people don’t.” Assuming you’ve got a hangup you genuinely want to get over, then here a few quick tips for having your Sandra-Dee makeover moment in the sack.
1. Get into the right headspace. Don’t focus too much on the physical aspect, thinking that there’s nothing in the act for you. Instead, focus on how much your partner loves something, how vulnerable and appreciative they are when you do it. Then it can become an exciting power trip.
2. Don’t wait to be asked to do it, initiate yourself. If a partner begs for something, then it can feel like work, like an annoying obligation. But if you offer first, then you’re in control; it’s on your terms. And you’ll feel more like a sex god/dess.
3. Do it your own way. There’s no real one-right-way for any given sex act. So feel free to modify until it works for you. For example, let’s say fellatio is not your favorite, but your partner loves it and you want to return the oral sex favor he happily gives to you. There’s no rule book that says blowjobs must entail deep throating and swallowing. So use both hands as an extension of your mouth (good handwork can make a great blowjob). And have something handy to spit in (we have yet to hear of a guy who would rather have no blowjobs than a blowjob where the woman spits or even uses her hands for the happy ending). If you just don’t like the taste of penis, then attack him next time he comes out of the shower. Brushing your teeth right before will keep things fresher, too. You could even try a flavored lube (those products have improved vastly over the past few years). Basically, modify, modify, modify until it works for you!
4. Practice makes perfect. Let’s say you’d like to do a striptease for your partner, but the thought of being on display and judged freaks you out. Try practicing in front of the mirror on your own until you feel confident enough to go for it. Don’t wait until you’ve got everything just perfect — that’ll put too much pressure on you (plus, perfection is impossible). Whatever it is — tying bondage tape, using a paddle, getting through a porno without blushing or laughing, etc — practice by yourself first alone until you get the swing of things.
5. Have a drink. But just one (ok, maybe two). Ah yes, the trusty old Dutch courage. There’s nothing quite like a glass of wine to help loosen up nagging inhibitions. Of course, there’s a world of difference between a little buzz and being so drunk you can’t remember your own name. You may feel like Demi Moore in Striptease when you’re off your head, but all that practice will go out the window if you can’t walk in your heels. Plus, if you have to get smashed to do something then chances are you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place: some inhibitions are healthy tools for self-preservation and safety.
6. Figure out where you can compromise. It’s a tough call: to fess up or not to fess up; to fake it or not to fake it? As any therapist will tell you, open communication is the key to a healthy sex life. And faking, whether we’re talking about orgasms or enjoying oral, can give a guy the wrong idea of what’s working for you in bed. On the other hand, there can be those too-much-information occasions when the truth hurts without being much help. So you’ve got to decide what is a deal breaker for you. If you’re not into something simply because of old prejudices, because of laziness, or because it just feels okay instead of mind-blowingly amazing, then consider compromising. For example, institute a special-occasions-only policy (whereby you do X on birthdays and anniversaries, and your partner does something special for you in return). Or give your partner two minutes with their favorite position before you move onto your favorite. However, if you’re not into something because it’s an affront to your values, your body or your own pleasure, then see point #7.
7. If you hate it, don’t cave. Stick to your guns and just say no — loudly, clearly and consistently. After all, if something feels like patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time (or worse), why should you pretend it feels like heaven after a long day at the office? Far too often we behave in ways we’ve been told are sexy or sexual, by the media and pop culture, even when that behavior doesn’t make us feel sexy or sexual. Perhaps our biggest sexual hang-up is being able to ask for something we really want.
I have the same problem with my boyfriend [he’s too big for me] and I find that these columns are really unhelpful. Lube only helps temporarily but it doesn’t help the psychological effects. It is hugely frustrating for both parties and not only this but it ruins one’s confidence and self esteem. For my partner and I, enjoying a good sex life is very important. It has got to the point where we are discussing having a threesome so we can experience and enjoy ‘normal sex’. We love each other so much and everything else in our relationship is great but this has been ruining everything. I am starting to think there may be something wrong with my vaginal entrance as it only hurts around the outside – but doctors are unhelpful and use the ‘relax and use lube’ line every time. If only someone would take me seriously because it may result in us ending the relationship now.
— Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
We’re sorry to hear about your plight. And sorry you didn’t find that article helpful. Here’s a similar one with a few more specific tips that might help:
We really think it would benefit you two if you redefined “good sex life” and “normal sex” — it seems like you both think it requires a certain style of sex, i.e. intercourse with deep penetration. Or even just intercourse. But couples can define what “sex” means to them in any number of ways. For example, for some women, the only way they orgasm is through oral; for others, they don’t want it at all — that doesn’t mean one set of women is getting good sex, and the other isn’t. Some gay men are exclusive bottoms — that doesn’t mean they don’t have vibrant sex lives because they never do any penetrating. And think about couples where one partner is a paraplegic! There are many ways sexual pleasure and orgasms can be achieved. If you can get each other off in ways that don’t include intercourse, is that not enough to keep this true love relationship together?
If it’s not — if not experiencing the old in-out is a deal breaker — then opening up your relationship could be a great way to stay together while getting the sex you each want. But you’ve both got to be on board and you’ve both got to clearly define your ground rules. Best to brush up on some non-monogamy tips to help you navigate the terrain. Check out these EMandLO.com article’s:
Late 18th-century poet William Blake’s famous Songs of Innocence were often thought to be merely children’s verse. But don’t mistake simplicity and concision for lack of depth. Take this little gem, one of his Gnomic Verses — just 4 lines, 26 words in total, and only 14 unique words in all! In that neat package, he has answered not only what women want, but what men want, too: simply to feel we have been loved (even if, perhaps, we’re deluding ourselves). Turns out the sexes aren’t so different after all.
The Question Answered
by William Blake
What is it men in women do require?
The lineaments of Gratified Desire.
What is it women do in men require?
The lineaments of Gratified Desire.
s daughter of New York,
