All posts by Em &#38; Lo

This article also appears on YourTango: 10 Meaningful (And Not-Too-Arduous!) Ways To Be Extra-Romantic

photo via Unsplash

Romance is contagious. So the best way to get your partner to be more romantic is to be more romantic with them first. Here are 10 not-too-arduous ways to do just that.

1. Wax nostalgic. Ninety-eight percent of romance is remembering not to take each other for granted. So tap into long-lost crush feelings by regularly thinking back to those first exhilarating moments that made you fall in love: the first time you met, your first date, your first kiss, your first time naked together, the first time you had teary, face-holding, we-adore-each-other sex. Remember how lucky you thought you’d be if you ended up together for the long haul-especially during those moments when the way they chew is starting to annoy you.

2. Don’t overshare. There’s a fine line between intimacy and TMI. We’re not so prudish as to suggest you should never pee in front of one another, but is it so much to ask that you keep your #2’s private? And when it comes to eliminating errant facial and body hairs, it might be a good idea to lock the bathroom door. Ask that your partner do the same for you. Just think of it as quality alone time to pamper yourselves.

3. Go on dates. Someone told us recently that it’s pathetically suburban to call it a “date night.” We say, save “hip” for your wardrobe and music library and embrace the cheese in your relationship. There’s a reason dinner-and-a-movie is a decades-long tradition-it works! Besides, if you don’t call it a date night, how is your partner supposed to know that you want them to change out of their old college sweatshirt and act all date-like? Subtle hints don’t work; calling it a date night does. If you really can’t stand to say those two words, then help clue them in with a new outfit for the occasion-or just ask them to wear a certain outfit that you love.

4. Exchange just-because gifts or treats. Don’t wait for the officially designated romantic holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays, and to give your partner a thoughtful present. It doesn’t have to be anything big, even flowers can bring a smile to their face. You can find a florist by googling “” and make them a bouquet of their favorite flora! Surprising them with something out of the blue shows that they’re on your mind, that you don’t take them for granted, and that you care all of the other non-holiday days of the year, too. Depending on your relationship, you could even get your partner novelty gifts like personalized photo mugs to make them smile! It all narrows down to the thought of even giving them something. When you are thinking of gifting, don’t look for random gifts. Adding a personalization touch to everything you gift would show the extra mile you have gone to care for them. If you and your partner love surprising each other with random gifts like face underwear or socks with your pet’s face on it, it’s the thought that counts. And you may even find that they love it more than you thought! When it comes to gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. If you’re broke, just bring them breakfast in bed with their favorite section of the newspaper on a random Sunday (and yes, “favorite section of the newspaper” may also be a euphemism). Or, you could break out a romantic keyring pendant to remind them of a special memory. Or, you could combine a number of things as a surprise. Remember to reassure them that they didn’t somehow forget a major anniversary, otherwise, their mind will be racing all day.

5. Engage in random PDA. Not to the point where you elicit pleas to “get a room,” but just enough to increase your daily physical contact and prove to the world (or even just your cat) that you’re in love. Hold hands whenever possible. Give a peck on the lips here and a hug there. And don’t forget the occasional furtive pat on the bum. Studies have shown that even a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels – and oxytocin is the Hallmark card of the hormone world.

6. Write love notes. No need to pen long, flowery love letters or corny poetry (though the romantic potential of a sweet and funny love haiku cannot be overestimated). Just write the occasional “thinking of you” email, put a surprise “miss you already” Post-It in his business trip suitcase, or draw a heart around your initials on the steamed bathroom mirror.

7. Brag about your partner in public. We understand the inclination to get together with your girlfriends and bitch about the annoying things your partner does (hey, we all do it). But it’s nice to occasionally embrace the positive and speak glowingly about your fella’s home improvement skills/parental instincts/bedroom acumen. Sure, you might annoy your friends who don’t want to hear about how good you have it, but you’ll feel even better about going home to your awesome relationship. Oh, and brag about him to friends when he’s listening, too. Whether it’s a new promotion or just something witty he said last night, we guarantee he’ll swoon.

8. Compliment your partner. Speaking of his self-esteem: We all like to feel needed and desired, but guys especially. So lay the compliments on thick at home, too. Just because it’s been established in your relationship that he can cook (and you can’t), doesn’t mean you can forgo the lavish praises of his famous homemade lasagna. And just because he doesn’t spend as long as you do in front of the mirror doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to hear how attractive you find him – especially if he’s experimenting with a new facial hairstyle.

9. Skydive together. Studies have shown that participating in adrenaline-revving activities together will help keep that spark lit. Bungie-jumping, whitewater rafting, streaking down Main Street in your home town – there’s nothing like near-death experiences to bring a couple closer together.

10. Take a basket-weaving class together. Joint activities don’t all have to be thrilling – studies have also shown that just the novelty is enough to make two people feel closer. If basket-weaving isn’t your bag, join forces for a yoga class, a comedy show, a walking tour, a cooking class, cha-cha lessons, a movie script… hell, even just a double-date with the new couple in town (and no, that one wasn’t a euphemism).

We forgot one: Watch a romantic movie! Here are:
The 15 Most Romantic Movies Streaming on Netflix Now

VIDEO: An Abridged History of Modern Merkins

At the 2016 Oscars, when presenting the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling, hair-god Jared Leto sung the stylists’ praises to all 34 million viewers:

[T]hey deserve an award just for putting up with us actors, not to mention the prosthetics, the wigs, the occasional merkin. If you happen to be laughing, please explain it to the person next to you, and if you aren’t, Google it.

And so anyone who wasn’t in the know got a crash course in pubic wigs. Around since the the middle ages, merkins were originally worn as the more stylish option when one had to shave for hygiene (pubic lice were rampant), or to hide the symptoms of STDS (those sneaky syphilitic prostitutes), or to cover junk when male actors were playing women in nude scenes on stage (silly rabbit, women weren’t allowed to act back then!).

These days, with the aesthetic trend strongly favoring “The Kojak” look (a.k.a. “The Vin Diesel,” “The Emperor Ming,” “The James Carville”), many actors have to don merkins during nude scenes in period pieces (or just to avoid inadvertently flashing any labe). With the artistry of — and modern technology — available to today’s professional Hollywood stylists, pubic wigs now come in all shapes, textures and colors. Above, behold some of the most icon merkin styles of the past century!

Do you long for the days when pubic hair was hot?
Bring Back the Bush!

The 8 Guys You’ll Find on Tinder (And the One You Won’t)

Whether you’re brand new to Tinder or you’ve downloaded the app, used it, deleted it, and re-downloaded 100 more times, chances are you’ve come across these common straight male characters on the popular dating (read: hook-up) app:

1. The “Nice Guy”
A typical Tinder description is “I’m a nice guy” or “I’ve been told I’m a nice guy.” The nice guy usually gets angry if you don’t respond to a message right away or won’t send him nudes — but remember, he’s one of the nice ones. The take-away: If he has to clarify that he’s a nice guy on his dating profile, he’s probably actually not that nice.

2. Your Close Friend
As soon as he comes up, you immediately swipe left or close the app entirely in utter humiliation. While everyone uses Tinder, the troubling double standard endures that women on it are considered either desperate or nymphomaniacal. He’ll probably screenshot your picture and tease you for a couple weeks. Or he’ll keep casually bringing Tinder up in conversation with friends while you stare at your feet, hoping he won’t publicly reveal your secret shame (even though you have nothing to be ashamed of!).

3. The One in Town for 24 Hours
A classic pickup line: “I’m in town for 24 hours and I’m looking for someone to show me around.” Meaning “I’m looking for someone to show me around their genitalia.” At least with this guy, you know exactly what you’re getting: a sex rental with no option to buy. Still, it’s always a bit awkward when you realize his distance never changes.

4. The Topless Man
These are the guys with the perfect abs. Ah, so pretty, so tempting. But if you’re looking for something deeper than a petri dish, move on. They’ve spent more time perfecting their benching technique than they have their sexual technique. And “stimulating conversation” is not in their vocabulary: the most you’ll get is a “hey cutie ;)” or a “dtf.”

5. The Creep You’ve Been Avoiding
You go on Tinder to find your crush, but only end up finding the weirdo at the gym who’s been crushing on you. You’ve been avoiding his creepy stares for two months and then there he is, staring at you again, this time through your phone screen. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Except take a scalding hot shower.

6. The One Who Wants You to Message First
“Girls who message first are a turn on” conveniently puts the all pressure on you (while belying his laziness). Does he want a quirky pickup line or a simple hello? The onus on you will make you unnecessarily overthink this. Or else you’ll just be so annoyed at being told what to do that what could have potentially been the beginning of a beautiful relationship won’t even be given a second glance by you.

7. Your Ex
It’s awkward to come across your ex in real life — and Tinder’s no better. Whether you miss him or not, now you know 1) he’s on the prowl on Tinder, 2) he knows you’re on the prowl on Tinder, and 3) he’s thinking about you. But what you don’t know is what exactly he’s thinking about you: “She looks good” or “I miss her” or “That’s not a very flattering picture” or “pathetic Tinder whore!” (see #2 for aforementioned self-induced double standard). You’ll continue scrolling but won’t really see any of the other guys because in your mind you’ll be replaying your entire relationship from start to finish while wondering why your ex suddenly looks so much more handsome than when you two were dating.

8. The One Holding a Fish
A typical image of cliche masculinity. He caught a fish, just like he’s going to catch you! Get it? (Gross.) If you’ve been on Tinder for a day, then you’ve probably seen at least 30 of these pictures already — and they all look exactly the same.

The One Guy You Won’t Find: Swiping through Tinder trying to find your crush or that cutie from Starbucks? He’s guaranteed not to come up. You’ll go through the 8 other typical guys for hours and end up nowhere. If you want to ask your crush out, you’re going to have to do it the hard way: in person, without a smartphone, using your actual vocal chords. We know: that’s terrifying enough to drive you right back onto Tinder.

This article was cowritten with the help of our fabulous intern, who wishes to remain anonymous.

Have a hot Tinder date?
How to Host a Sexy Sleepover

If You’re Unsatisfied, Speak Up!

Reader Joanne had this to say in response to the post “My Husband Won’t Even Try to Give Me an Orgasm”:

I have been married for over 20 years and I now have the man of my dreams. It wasn’t always like that though. We had a great relationship and good sex, but he could be selfish at times. In the early years, if I said something to him about him not satisfying me, he would turn it around and make me feel like the selfish one.

I finally got wise and realized we had a communication problem. I was determined to have him see it my way. It just wasn’t right that I was always concerned with pleasing him, but he wasn’t always concerned with pleasing me. For a few years we had many discussions, arguments and even a few blow-ups. This might sound extreme, but it broke down the wall. He needed to see that it wasn’t just the lack of satisfaction that was affecting me, but it was the fact that he didn’t seem to care. It was just as much about my feelings as it was about the sex.

Well, I finally got through to him. We have the most open and honest communication now. It has strengthened our intimacy one thousand times over. He always tries to satisfy me now. In fact, he’s not satisfied until I’m satisfied. If you want a relationship like this you MUST open those lines of communication. It’s painful at first, but the reward is worth it.

Want some more specific ways to talk about this topic?
6 Ways to Address Waning Sex in a Relationship

How to Split the Bill in 7 Easy Steps

photo via flickr

Dates may be cheap but they ain’t never free. So who coughs up?

Whoever did the asking should expect to pay for the date. This is the 21st century, people; it’s so last century to assume the man always gets it.
That said, if you’ve been asked out, you should always assume you’ll be going dutch. Again, this is the 21st century, and splitting the bill is just the most egalitarian thing to do. (Assuming halfsies will also ensure you don’t end up disappointeded.) So bring cash lest you end up washing dishes.
When the check comes, the one who was asked out should offer to go halfsies — and try to sound like you mean it.
If you end up sharing the bill, split it evenly, even if one of you got lobster. Exact breakdowns are for roomies, siblings, and other people with no plans to get naked.
In a battle of the Amexes, defer to who did the asking (perhaps it’s the miles).
If your date absolutely insists on getting the whole thing, this is your excuse to extend the date: offer to buy cocktails or coffee at the bar across the street.
Though we’d like to believe that everyone knows better by now, we should note that no matter how much your date spends on dinner, you do not owe them a thing in the booty department — not even a kiss.

But how do you get to bill with grace?
10 Rules for a Dinner Date

A Peek at China’s Growing Sex Toy Industry

GREG BAKER/AFP/Getty Images

While perusing Getty Images for weird and wacky sex-related photos, we came across this beautifully shot series by photographer Greg Baker that fit the bill: the sex toy industry in China. Baker writes:

China’s puritanical Communist Party decried decadence during its first decades in power, and while conservative attitudes are still widespread, economic reforms have brought the country more sexual freedom, and a plethora of sex shops.

And this is part of the global shift that has occurred in recent years that has allowed sex and sex toys like the Sex ‘N Dolls robotic dolls with AI to be a more open and talked about topic. These topics are becoming less taboo and more people are exploring their sexuality and kinks. On top of this, pornography has increased the popularity of these types of devices. This has lead to sex dolls and toys being more popular than ever and you can see here for the best new sex dolls that you can buy online if you want to give them a go for yourself.

At a high-end sex doll shop, Micdolls, in Beijing:

A sex shop next to a fruit stand:

At a wholesale sex toy market:

A man with his sex doll in his Beijing suburb apartment:

Want something a little wackier?
The Weirdest Sex Images from Getty

What You Need to Know About the SCOTUS Abortion Case

photo via Planned Parenthood

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10 Toys Every Straight Girl Should Have in Her Pleasure Chest

You probably have one trusty, old, well-worn vibe that does the trick. But any self-respecting pleasure enthusiast should have at least a couple of these 10 basics in their bedside toy chest. They’ll support you in both your quality alone time and your partner play. Remember, the won who dies with the most toys wins!

1. Lube
If you have but one sex accessory, this should be it. Purpose-made lubricant gives you the most bang for your buck: it improves all handwork (especially for her), is essential for any backdoor play, and increases sensation and endurance during masturbation or intercourse. A water-based lube is great for any and all play; silicone lubes are a little thicker, handy for sex in the shower and anal play, just don’t use them with your silicone toys.

2. Vibrating Love Ring
Clitoral stimulation during intercourse?! Now that’s sex the way mother nature intended it! Love rings (aka penis rings, aka cock rings) run the gamut from low-end disposables to high-end, eco-friendly artworks.

3. A Finger Toy
It straps onto one’s finger, turning it into a human vibrator—great for anyone of any sexual persuasion, but particularly nice for straight guys who might feel intimidated by or left out around sex toys. You can get a cute little ring or the iconic Fukuoku or JimmyJane’s impressive Hello Touch.

4. An Undercover Toy
Perfect for when you’re on the go and don’t want to get caught red handed. Oh, this? It’s just a lipstick in my handbag. And this? It’s a fancy necklace. The classic is the vibrating I Rub My Duckie, great for immature bath-time fun.

5. A Toy for your G-spot
Not all ladies like having their G-spot stimulated, but for those who do, a toy can be the best way to get at it. Look for toys with a built-in curve to hit the sweet spot.

6. A Toy for his G-spot
Yes, he has a G-spot, too, and toys specifically designed to go in his back door are a great way to stimulate it (especially if you’re squeamish about using your own finger). Just remember: Never stick something up your bum that doesn’t have a flared base, otherwise it may get lost up there.

7. A Rabbit
Perfect for your “me time.” Just steer clear of cheapie knockoffs, which can be toxic—the elastomer version made by Vibratex, LELO’s Ina 2, and Jimmy Jane’s Iconic Rabbit are a few of the best.

8. A Blindfold
Because everything feels naughtier when one of you can’t see. Your other senses are heightened, your anticipation is raised, and the sexual tension is tightened. Up the kink factor with a matching set of made-for-play cuffs.

9. A “Back Massager”
The classic “Cadillac of vibrators” is the Magic Wand, originally made by Hitachi, which has helped many of anorgasmic women finally reach their happy place. LELO makes a more aesthetically pleasing version, if style is a priority. Use a wand as a sex toy when you’re alone, and as a back massager with your guy, lest you give him an inferiority complex (it’s power is unparalleled).

10. Remote Control Toys
These fun toys put the control of your genitals in your or your partner’s hands, literally. LELO makes a line of remote control toys that can work from across a crowded room, a candlelit restaurant table, or just your bed.

Don’t even own ONE toy yet?
How to Choose Your Very First Vibrator

8 Ways Great Sex Starts WITHOUT Your Partner

If you want to start eating healthy, you know that changing your relationship to food is more effective than a crash diet. The same is true with your sex life. Concerning yourself with just the act of sex is like only counting calories. There are numerous aspects of your daily life that affect sex in ways you may never have thought about before: stress levels, diet, (mis)conceptions about sex, and how your body and libido work. It’s all connected. Follow these steps to create a lifestyle and environment that foster a healthy sense of sex.

1. Explore your genitals with your eyes and hands before, during, and after arousal. Yes, we’re talking mostly to the ladies here. And no, we’re not talking about masturbation yet. We’re talking about getting an up close and personal view of your parts. Women are often brought up to be ashamed of their anatomy, so they avoid all exploration and thus understanding. Finally get rid of the unknown! Use a hand mirror for the visual exam, but then supplement this with a tactile exam. You’ll be surprised how liberating and educational this can be. Just like the penis looks and feels really different depending on whether the guy is aroused, you’ll find that so too do your parts. While you’re at it (well, not literally), browse the web (start with www.the-clitoris.com) or get “The Clitoral Truth” (THE handbook for anyone with female genitalia) because stuffy old anatomy text books don’t do the female genitals justice.

2. Replace fatty snacks with foods rich in fiber. You already know that a well-balanced diet high in fiber and low in fat is important for good health. But it’s great for your sex life, too. Lowering your cholesterol by cutting back on foods heavy in fat will increase blood flow to your genitals, which increases sensation down there. But don’t over-do it. If you don’t get enough healthy calories, you won’t have the energy or stamina for sex. So feed your sex life, just feed it well. Replace your morning bagel and cream cheese with a bowl of bran flakes in skim milk, some prunes, or a low-fat bran muffin. That fiber will also do wonders for your digestive process, so you’ll feel more confident having your nooks and crannies intimately explored. We’ve lost count of how many readers have thanked us for introducing them to psyllium husk powder — they tell us it’s revolutionized their sex lives!

3. Feng shui your bedroom. Who feels sexy surrounded by a week’s worth of dirty laundry? Your bedroom should be a sacred space for rest, relaxation, and rolling in the hay. Any reminders of everyday stresses — CNN on the TV, papers you brought home from the office, stacks of unpaid bills, your cellphone — can fill your room with distracting negative energy. And that distraction becomes an excuse for not getting in the mood: “It’s not that I don’t love the sex, it’s that I just have so much to do!'” So get rid of the excuses by getting rid of the clutter. Dim the lights, or at least install low-wattage bulbs. Stream a sexy playlist. Invest in some nice high-thread-count sheets. And hey, if you’re not in the mood for sex in a sacred space, you can always do it on the kitchen table.

4. Compliment your partner at least once a day. If you’re in a new relationship, this shouldn’t be difficult: You’re constantly being surprised and awed by the things you learn about each other every day. But exchanging compliments daily is a good habit to get into early on, because if you end up in a long-term relationship or marriage, you might find yourself taking your partner for granted. When you remind your partner how awesome they are, you’re also reminding yourself. Regularly recount all the things that made you first fall in love — taking those trips down memory lane can reignite that spark.

5. Masturbate regularly solo. Just because you have a partner doesn’t mean you should stop with the self-love. Having quality me-time can actually help keep your libido in shape — because if you don’t use it, you can lose it. It’s especially important for straight women to keep in mind what gets them off, since intercourse doesn’t result in orgasm for most of them. And ladies, don’t pack up your toys when you’ve got someone special in your life, because studies have shown that women who use bedroom gadgets report experiencing higher levels of sexual desire, higher levels of sexual satisfaction with their partners, and higher rates of success when it comes to achieving orgasm.

6. Schedule a friends’ night out and talk about sex. We’re not suggesting you disrespectfully dish the dirt on your partner. Instead, simply use your friends as a great source of sexuality information. Despite our sex soaked culture, sex is still considered such a private matter — too private to talk about honestly. But if you don’t talk about it, then you’re totally on your own. And you’re potentially missing out on some good tips and tricks. Just remember not to let these show-and-tell sessions pressure you into feeling like you’re not orgasmic/limber/daring enough. Think inspiration (“Maybe I should try that some day”), not intimidation (“How come that’s never happened to me?”).

7. Let go of a grudge. For example, if your partner is being cheap with you and that makes you mad, then you might become cheap with your love and affection in the bedroom in retaliation. Let go of any anger you may be harboring against your partner, and definitely don’t let it fester. Instead, talk about hurt feelings and resolve the issues before they seep into your bedroom.

8. Lead a sensual life. You don’t expect your partner to ignore you all day until it’s time for sex, so why would you treat your body’s sense receptors that way? Pampering — whether you’re a gal or guy (and want to call it something else) — can get you in the mood. The next time you have an hour or two to spare before your partner gets home, get naked, then take a hot shower — or even better, soak in the bath tub — then moisturize. The warm water relaxes you and increases the blood flow to your skin, which increases sensation, while rubbing the lotion in wakes up the nerve endings. It’s all foreplay. (You can do the same thing with a partner, too!) Here are some other things you can do: wear a scent to the office that you equate with sexiness, wear your nicest pair of underwear, wear an outfit to expose an area of skin that doesn’t normally feel the breeze, or just go commando. If you really want to up the ante, treat yourself to a massage or pedicure, or, for the more hardcore among you, get a piercing in a private place.

Want some tips you can do together?
How to Redefine Foreplay with Your Partner

Is Just a Kiss Still Full-Blown Cheating?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

I’ve been married for almost 20 years. I often fantasize about kissing other people. Not even having sex with them, just kissing them, just to feel that rush once again. Not necessarily anyone in particular, and maybe even just once would be enough. I love my partner and am not interested in ruining my marriage. I’m in it til the end. But I’m wondering if making out with someone, like while out of town, is just as bad as shagging them. I know both are deceitful, but one seems so much worse than the other. Could the more innocent indiscretion be justified if it just scratched an itch, didn’t disrupt my marriage, and made me happier without hurting my partner?

— Sealed with a Kiss

Can SWAK steal a kiss?
Let them know in the comments below!

Please Don’t Put These 12 Things in Your/Her Vagina, Ever

photo via Unsplash

You might think this topic shouldn’t need explanation or elaboration, but you’d be surprised.

1. Douches
This is the one every woman should know by now not to use. Douches are unnecessary products invented by The Man to solve made-up problems and make a buck. Vaginas, like ears, clean themselves. There’s good bacteria in your vagina that fights off infection, and when you douche, the good stuff is cleaned out along with the bad stuff, leaving your acidic and alkaline balances all off kilter and your vadge prone to infection. Douching can also cause allergic reactions or spread existing infections to the uterus and fallopian tubes, causing more serious problems like pelvic inflammatory disease. And then how “fresh” will you feel? The same goes for feminine hygiene sprays and other deodorizers — fragrances are for potpourri. If you need more convincing, read Tom Robbins’ “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues.”

2. Herbal Sachets or “Detox Pearls”
Created for a germ-obsessed world (like the one depicted in “Safe” starring Julianne Moore), these are the 21st century version of douches. And they come with the same warnings and then some (Toxic Shock Syndrome, anyone?). Don’t just take it from us, take it from a gynecologist who will show you some very unpleasant images of used sachets (don’t read this before lunch).

3. Steam
We can thank Gwenyth Paltrow for perpetuating the creation of imaginary first-world problems with her recommendation of, yes, vaginal cleanses. (So L.A.) Fortunately, the media loves dumping on the insufferable Goop creator, so there was widespread ridicule of this preposterous “service.”

4. Soap
This one may seem a bit counter-intuitive. You want to be clean and showered. But soap can be drying, especially inside. Remember, the vagina is self-cleaning, so stick to washing just the vulva (i.e. the external genitalia, as opposed to the vagina which is the internal canal leading to the uterus) with a natural, mild, fragrance-free soap. Avoid body washes, which often have even more fragrance and alcohol than bar soap. And we know the temptations that come along with back massagers, but don’t even think about using your back scrubber down there!

5. Food
Resist the temptation to recreate the refrigerator scene from 9 1/2 Weeks, at least down there. The vagina is not a bowl; you can’t eat whipped cream or cereal out of it. Food can be irritating and cause infection. So keep the chocolate sauce and wasabi on tough external skin surfaces only and away from any sensitive mucus membranes.

6. Cheap Sex Toys
There are so many high-quality, body-safe toys made by reputable manufacturers these days for any budget that there’s really no excuse to resort to novelties, which may be made with toxic materials, rough seams, and weak motors, and often don’t come with use or care instructions. Stick with well-reviewed and -respected companies, like Fun Factory, Vibratex, or our BFFs LELO.com. Your body will thank you.

7. DIY Toys
Again, there’s no excuse not to have a decent go-to vibe at the ready, whereby you’re forced to make your own sex toy on the fly with found objects. DIY contraptions may break (inside you), are often not aerodynamic, and are rarely as aesthetically pleasing as the real deal. There are also so many eco-friendly rechargeable models that you no longer have to worry about batteries dying on you at that critical moment. (Okay, okay: if you scrub a firm cucumber clean and put a condom on it, we guess that kind of desperate ingenuity is permissible in a pinch. But please don’t serve it to any guests later.)

8. Anything That’s Been in a Butt
Fecal matter entering the vagina is a leading cause of vaginosis, a bacterial infection that can cause burning, itching, abnormal discharge and foul odor. So if something — a finger, a penis, a toy — has gone in a butt or on/around an anus, don’t then put it in a vagina or on the vulva.

9. Condomless Penises
Condoms are like seatbelts: they may not protect you from everything every time, but they greatly reduce the risk of harm. So it’s best to “buckle up” every time to help prevent the spread of STDs and unwanted pregnancy. Plus, condoms make clean up a cinch! (Obviously, the “Ever” in the title of this post may be disregarded if you two are in a committed, body-fluid bonded relationship who’ve been tested together, are on birth control or else trying to get pregnant, and are willing to take the STD risks.)

10. High-Absorbency Tampons
At least when you don’t need them. Researched has linked high absorbency with increased risk for TSS. So use the lowest absorbency for your flow. Or better yet, intersperse with pads, or to eliminate the risk altogether, use pads exclusively. Or best yet, go with a Diva Cup, a Blossom Cup, or a Lena Cup — they’re cost effective, eco-friendly, body safe, chemical-free; they offer better leak protection; and you can go a lot longer between changes!

11. Water
Lie under the bathtub faucet, use your detachable shower head, straddle the jets in the Olympic-sized pool, invest in a waterproof vibrator. Just make sure the water’s not scalding hot, and do NOT aim a strong stream of water directly into your vagina — it can cause a fatal air embolism. (That’s when an air bubble gets into your bloodstream — if the bubble reaches your heart or lungs, it can kill you.)

12. Air
Similarly, don’t blow air directly into the vagina like it’s some “cool, new” sex trick. Just like a strong stream of water, it can cause a fatal air embolism.

Want more DOs when it comes to vaginal care?
How to Help Your Vagina Smell & Taste Better

Size Does Not Correlate with Pleasure

"David and Goliath" via flickr

We can never resist a feel-good, body-positive, you-go-boy! comment. This one is from Olatunji in response to the article “My New Boyfriend Has a Small Penis…At Least, It’s Small to Me“:

The size is not what matters. The smaller organ has a much greater erectile capacity than the larger one. The size of the flaccid or erect penis has absolutely nothing to do with its pleasure-giving qualities. The vagina has a great deal of elasticity and it can adapt to any size of the male organ, be it large or small. And finally, if you think a man is a man cause he guzzles beer or was born with a larger-than-thine appendage, think again. Can’t you see, Sir, the sands of time are dribbling through the hourglass?!

Want to rock what you’ve got?
15 Ways to Make the Most
of Your Small Penis in Bed

The 7 Rules of Orgasm Etiquette

photo via Gratisography

1. The goal should be at least one orgasm per person per sesh, bare minimum.
We hope we don’t need to point out that an orgasm for just one partner is not the finishing tape of a sex run. Instead, think of sex as a three-legged race — your partner can neither compete nor cross the finish line without your help, and vice versa. Each partner should make a concerted effort to satisfy their partner before throwing in the towel.

2. Ladies first.
Because a woman’s post-orgasmic resolution phase is slower and more gradual than a man’s, it makes sense that her orgasm come first: she can often continue to receive and enjoy stimulation, including penetration, long after her first O. In fact continued attention may result in multiple orgasms for a few lucky bitches…excuse us, women. In contrast, men who have climaxed first may consequently struggle against their own quicker resolution and its attendant urges toward sleep and TV watching. However, this is no excuse for shirking sexual responsibility. Men can and should continue to pleasure their female partner until she is satisfied (whatever “satisfied” means to that individual).

3. But don’t make your partner’s orgasm a holy grail.
A word of caution, though: The only thing worse than a man who does not care about a woman’s orgasm is one who cares about it to the exclusion of all else. This is the man who heads downtown and vows not to come up for air until his girlfriend does her best Meg Ryan. He approaches handwork like weeding (“Must. Dig Up. Orgasm!”) and swears, in dulcet tones an octave lower than his usual voice, that he is dedicated to “female pleasure.” He wants to be a super-lover — his ego depends upon it. He covets her orgasms like a Boy Scout covets merit badges. While the intention is indeed admirable, all that pressure can leave a woman wishing she had just played golf instead. Plus, giving her performance anxiety is the best way to ensure she won’t reach orgasm. Don’t worry guys, you won’t lose your “Sensitive Guy” merit badge if you believe her when she says that she’s happy with the sex for sex’s sake, and you give up graciously. Sometimes, the fat lady simply will not sing. But that doesn’t mean everyone can’t still enjoy the show.

4. And don’t assume the worst about an O that’s not forthcoming.
Of course, straight gals aren’t the only ones whose orgasms occasionally go missing. Lesbians and men (both gay and straight) are mere mortals too. Sure, men’s equipment is fairly straightforward and therefore more easily manipulated. However, factors that may inhibit “the little death” — dry skin, urge to pee, spinning room, trouble at the office — are not always discriminating. And of course there’s always a chance that — stop the presses! — he might not be in the mood.

5. Also, don’t apologize, throw blame or pout about a missing O.
No matter who you are, if you find yourself unable to O, never apologize. Don’t blame your partner or yourself for this perceived “failure”; so long as you both enjoyed yourselves, that’s all that counts.

6. Whatever you do, don’t fake it.
This is the most important rule. Many women and men (yes, men) think that putting in an Oscar-winning performance is simply the nice thing to do. However, like any deception, this leads to no good. You may ultimately find yourself backed you into an orgasmless corner, forced to keep up the charade because of your partner’s heightened expectations, unable to openly explore different techniques with them that may ultimately work. Everyone needs their little secrets, but ones about your sexual needs should not be kept from your lover. As long as you sincerely express your thorough enjoyment of your partner’s oral acumen or anal ability, there is no need for garish displays of false ecstasy.

7. Finally, ask if your partner climaxed, but don’t badger them.
What if you can’t tell whether their “Oh, yeah, oooh, uh, more, oh, yeah, baby, god!” is an expression of thorough orgasmic enjoyment or simply thorough enjoyment? While we don’t recommend making it a constant topic of conversation during your session (“Did you come yet?…How about now?…Anything?!”), it’s perfectly acceptable to ask your partner — once gently mid-sesh or more directly post-romp — if they climaxed. After all, people’s orgasms come in all manner of shapes, sizes, and expressions. Asking shows that you care about their satisfaction, and may help you better provide for them in the future. Just try to avoid the cliched, “How was it for you?”

Let’s elaborate on rule #6:
Why You Should Never Fake an Orgasm
(Except in This One Case)

Hate Talking on the Phone? Here are 3 Ways to Cope

photo via Unsplash

Kira Asatryan for YourTango

Stop dreading your ringtone and start connecting with people over the phone!

Let’s be honest, nobody likes talking on the phone these days. At least, nobody in my generation (the infamous Millennial generation) likes it.

One of my good friends – a young woman who’s usually warm and social – greets anyone who tries to leave her a voicemail with the following message: “Don’t bother leaving a message here because I won’t listen to it. Just text or email me. Death to phone calls!”

Hyperbolic voicemail messages aside, many people have a deep negative sentiment toward talking on the phone. I’ve asked both friends and clients how they feel about keeping in contact with people over the phone. The consensus is that calls make us feel anxious, annoyed, and often disappointed in the lack of meaningful conversation that’s possible over the phone.

And it’s not just strangers or acquaintances that we dread talking to on the phone. It seems that calls from those we know and love are some of the most unsatisfying calls of all.

What is it about phone calls that make young people recoil? There is, of course, the obvious reason: Millennials grew up on asynchronous forms of communication like text and email, making real-time conversation stressful. The pressure to actually make conversation is clearly felt over the phone.

But I don’t think this accounts for the whole anti-call phenomenon, as many of those same people who say they hate phone calls say they love in-person interaction. In-person interaction requires making conversation too, right? So what’s the difference?

Somehow, it seems to be the medium of the phone call itself that’s just… awkward. Even when speaking with people we feel totally comfortable with in person, the phone call format makes everything feel more stilted, more forced, and often more shallow.

Is it time to give up on the phone call altogether? I would argue that it’s not. The phone call has continuing relevance for one simple reason: it’s still the best way to maintain relationships across physical distances.

If you’ve moved across the country from your family, you need to be willing to chat on the phone from time to time. If your grandparents are no longer physically able to meet up with you, it’s necessary to be available by phone if you want to maintain a relationship with them. [And if you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s a must.]

You may never be in love with phone calls, but the 3 tips below will help make yours more comfortable, meaningful, and enjoyable.

1. Ask questions.

The simplest and easiest way to make conversations better – in general, but especially over the phone – is to start asking questions. Questions improve the flow of conversation, show the other person you’re interested in what they have to say, and allow you to focus in on the parts of the conversation you’re truly curious about.

Let’s say your brother tells you he’s thinking of selling his house. Instead of responding with a stilted “that’s cool,” attempt to hone in on what aspect of this fact you’re curious about. How did he decide to sell it? What is he hoping to gain from selling it? These are the questions that will make the conversation interesting.

2. Devote less time to niceties and happenings.

When talking on the phone, almost all of us fall into the trap of discussing niceties and happenings – like what we did today, what we’re thinking of doing this weekend, and what we’re working on at the office. It’s common for two people to spend their entire conversation discussing these trivialities and walk away feeling like they didn’t connect with each other at all.

Instead, try to spend no more than 50% of the conversation on the recounting of these everyday happenings. This will free up time and energy for Tip #3, which is the heart and soul of satisfying conversations.

3. Draw understanding about the other person’s inner life.

This tip may sound daunting at first, but it’s shockingly simple in practice. The goal is simply to connect the other person’s happenings – the “what-did-you-do-todays” – with how that personfeels about what they’re doing.

For example, let’s say your sister tells you she’s spent the last few days working on an article for publication. Instead of asking “When is the article due?” or “Where is it being published?” ask, “Do you enjoy writing articles?” or “What are your favorite things to write about?”

Do you see the difference between “When is the article due?” and “Do you enjoy writing articles?” The first question is about the article. The second question is about her.

Asking questions about the other person’s feelings, perspectives, and subjective experiences move you beyond just knowing about her day. They help you know about her inner life. They help you know her.

The next time someone you love calls you, give these tips a whirl. And let me know how the conversation goes in the comments!

Kira Asatryan is a certified relationship coach and author of Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships. For more relationship tips, visit kiraasatryan.com and follow her on Twitter @KiraAsatryan.

This article was originally published at Psychology Today and YourTango. Reprinted with permission from the author.

More relationship advice from YourTango:

Want more examples of how to spark meaningful conversation? 20 Questions to Shake Up Your Relationship (In a Good Way)

How to Dump Someone: Breakup Lines That Don’t Suck