All posts by Em & Lo

10 Tips for Finding Love on the 4th of July

Like New Year’s, the Fourth is one of those holidays where the hype always exceeds the reality. But that doesn’t mean you single folk should take it off this year, sit home and binge Killing Eve in your underwear. Independence is overrated! No, you’ve got to put on a happy face, suck it up and work the BBQ like the rest of us this 4th of July. And if you follow our rules below, there could very well be some romantic and/or sexual pay off! If you don’t, then enjoy Killing Eve by your sad, lonesome self.

Don’t just talk about how nice a tofu dog in the park would be right now; go and get one.
Shine and sizzle, like a sparkler at night, not like a greasy strip of fatty bacon.
Open your eyes, not just to giant 3-D fireworks in the shape of stars and flags, but to the potential for love in unlikely places and people.
You can make a little room on your beach blanket for someone who wants to play bingo with you without making a full commitment.
Be like the Continental Congress: be responsive to the needs of your potential constituent, listen to their frustrations, support their desires and fight for their honor. That course of action may lead to a long, fruitful, 200+ year relationship.
If partners are like fireworks displays, then don’t rush to declare one as the best and brightest. Take your time and be observant. One will rise above the rest and prove that they’re worthy of your most heartfelt “ooohs” and “aaaahs.”
That said, don’t save your sparkler for exactly the perfect moment. Light it already and just enjoy it’s hypnotic glow.
When your options for love on the boardwalk come down to the the crisp summer salad with organic veggies or the plate of fried dough with powdered sugar, go for the salad. Always go for the salad.
Don’t be pushy, aggressive or the least bit overbearing — you know, like the British were with their tea tax. A little space, less possessiveness and more trust will be what is required if you want to create your own fireworks.
If you’re not absolutely sure the water is fine, then don’t go swimming. If you DO dive in, wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some third-degree burns on your genitals.

BONUS TIP: Don’t wear flag apparel. Just don’t.

The Em & Lo Down on Ravishment Fantasies (aka Rape Fantasies)

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One of the most popular fantasies is the ravishment fantasy. Does that mean, deep down, people really want to be sexually dominated against their will? We break down the meanings and myths behind one of the most common — and taboo — of sex day dreams.

Rethinking Intercourse: 8 Ideas to Improve the Old “In-Out”

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photo via Pixabay

The definition of sex is not “intercourse”. You won’t find terms like “going all the way” on this site, because intercourse is not the last lap you complete to win a medal — in fact, it’s not even a requirement for “winning” at sex. No, intercourse is one of many ways to engage in sexual pleasure — sometimes it’s on the agenda, and sometimes it’s not.

Intercourse is also more than a series of steps like: Insert tab A into slot B, thrust, repeat as necessary. At least, mutually satisfying intercourse is. Mastering the technical skills of various positions is the easy part. The hard part, as it were, is making style, flow, grace, and equality a sexual priority when it comes to intercourse. It’s what separates us from the animals.

Which is not to say that sex shouldn’t be animalistic: some of the best sessions are rough-and-tumble romps driven by instinct and punctuated with lots of back-of-the-neck biting. But as anyone who’s ever watched a nature show can tell you, sex in the wild often lacks creativity, stamina, romance, birth control, and, perhaps most importantly, orgasms for the female of the species.

While many a poo-poo-er will claim that sex should come naturally (and not from one of our manuals or this advice site), we would suggest that anything (or anyone) worth doing is worth doing well. The difference between just getting by and excelling — at anything, but especially sex — is a willingness to learn, to open your mind, to try new things. And we would suggest that no other sexual activity is in need of more horizon-expanding than intercourse.

There are more ways to move than what you’ve seen in Hollywood blockbusters and skin flicks. The fast-paced, bum-clenched, two-dimensional humping of four-legged creatures is not the all-around winner these movies claim it to be. What looks “normal” and what feels good are often two very different things. The following 8 elements of style that reframe intercourse will help you tell the difference.

Women, study closely: It’s time to welcome your clitoris to the intercourse party! And men, study even closer: It’s time to find out just how good intercourse can be when your partner enjoys it as much as you do.

1. Not the Be-All End-All

MYTH: Simultaneous orgasm during intercourse is the highest sexual ideal you can attain. This is an old-fashioned fairy tale, a late 20th-century (sub)urban legend. Sure, it’s nice work if you can get it (and yes, some couples can). But for many women, the intercourse-centric view goes against their very biological nature (have you noticed how far away the clitoral head is from the vaginal opening?). It sets up unreasonable expectations for both men and women (she thinks, “What’s wrong with me that I can’t come from his dick?” and he just thinks, “What’s wrong with my dick?”). And more often than not it leads to serious — but often unspoken — sexual disappointment and frustration for her. How many men do you know who’d put up with an orgasm-free sexual relationship?

For women who don’t get off on intercourse alone, intercourse is a dish best served after they’ve enjoyed at least one orgasm of their own by whatever means necessary: intercourse just feels better on a full vagina. And, let’s be honest here, many men find it, shall we say, challenging to sustain interest once they’ve been satisfied. (Which is not to say that they shouldn’t try, but “ladies first” tends to put everyone in a better mood.)

2. Safety First

If intercourse is on the menu, then barrier protection and birth control should be too. The majority of STDs can be spread with minimal genital-to-genital contact (i.e. no penetration necessary!). And pre-ejaculate can include enough leftover sperm from a previous ejaculation to result in pregnancy. So if you’re planning on bumping beauties with someone with whom you haven’t A) been tested, B) jointly agreed to be monogamous, and C) established a birth-control plan, then at the very least wrap up his cookie with a condom before going anywhere near her cookie jar — because the five-second rule that applies to sweets dropped on the floor does not apply here.

3. Willing and Able Doesn’t Always Mean Ready

You wouldn’t think of attempting intercourse in the absence of a man’s erection. So don’t try it without a woman’s either. Her genitals should be engorged with blood, aroused, and just as “ready” as his. The best way to achieve this is to give her the kind of genital attention she likes best: manual sex, clittage, g-spotting, and/or oral sex. Or perhaps she prefers more teasing attention, like being being tied up, tickled with feathers, or titillated with naughty words.

By the way, willing, able, and ready won’t necessarily mean wet — arousal is no guarantee of lubrication. In this case, a liberal dose of a store-bought lubricant isn’t a replacement for her arousal but rather a happy accompaniment to it. Even if she is slick herself, adding a dab of the purpose-made stuff can extend her staying power. Oh, and it feels pretty excellent for him, too.

4. Must-Have Accessories

Did we mention the importance of lube? After condoms, lubricant is the next most important bedside accessory for intercourse. But don’t close your nightstand drawer just yet! There are now wonderful, high-quality, beautifully designed, ergonomic vibrators and love rings and vibrating love-ring combos made specifically for heterosexual intercourse that can enhance sensation for both partners and help keep the clitoral head from feeling left out. Wearing cute little butt plugs can spice intercourse up for both of you, too. And don’t forget strategically placed pillows or even made-for-sex bed wedges that can help support your neck, back, bum, and legs to make trickier positions more comfortable for you two. None of the above is cheating; it’s evolving.

5. Going Deep?

Don’t always have tunnel vision, so to speak. Penetration can be more than a means to an end — it can be its own independent sexual activity. Build up to it. Draw it out. The majority of nerve endings in the vaginal canal are concentrated in the outer third, so don’t go racing to the cervix: hang out in the shallow end, too. In fact, shallow penetration is great for targeting her g-spot with the penis and positions like the coital alignment technique. Which is not to say that deep penetration doesn’t have its own rewards: he’ll most likely enjoy the lengthening of the in-out motion and she may like having her cul-de-sac, enlarged from arousal, filled up.

6. The Motion of the Ocean

Continuing with this theme of “out with the old, in with the new”, we’d like you to throw out the “old in-out” move as the intercourse standard. Jack-hammering, piston-thrusting, oil-pumping, old-fashioned screwing, whatever you want to call it — let’s try something different for a change, shall we? Swivel your hips, rock side to side, slide up along each other’s bodies and back down, squeeze and pulse your pelvic floor muscles, use your pubic bone to create more overall genital pressure… (And, ladies, don’t make him do all the movement work.) Basically, find a cadence and a motion that might not look like stereotypical intercourse, but that feels right to both of you. And if one of you likes leisurely pelvic squeezing while the other prefers it fast and furious? Take turns, people: some of what she likes, some of what he likes, and everyone goes home happy.

7. Intercourse Is Not a Hands-Free Zone

The majority of women enjoy — and often require — clitoral stimulation to gain and maintain arousal. Unfortunately, too many of them don’t ask for it during intercourse (or at all). Ladies, speak up! Guys, step up! Don’t hesitate to keep attention on the clitoris with a finger, hand, or sex toy should the clitoris in question want it and the position engaged in logistically allow for it. (For example, clittage ain’t gonna happen with “The Wheelbarrow“, which is just another reason why that position is kind of useless for most hetero couples.)

And don’t forget about all the other fun outlying areas that can be manually handled during intercourse: probe the mouth, tweak the nipples, tickle the testicles, massage the perineum, circle the anus, rub the tummy, scratch the back, squeeze the bum, lick the earlobes, nibble the neck, and, of course, kiss.

8. The Tortoise or the Hare?

Sadly, there’s a lot of pressure on men to break stamina records during intercourse. But we’re here to relieve that pressure, because an extra fifteen minutes of fast, deep pumping rarely translates into orgasmic bliss for her. So don’t worry about that sort of perseverance — you’re off the hook, gentlemen. Instead, earn your stamina points early in the game, with what’s traditionally considered foreplay but which you should now consider “sex.”

When you get to the actual intercourse, take your time during slower, subtler, more rocking and repetitive moves. Conveniently, you should find that this approach naturally extends your endurance anyway. Or try pulling out and offering some oral or manual sex before going back in. Ultimately, when it comes to timing, you just want to make sure you’re dedicating equal time to the techniques that work for each of you, whether they fall under the category of “intercourse” or “other.”

This post has been updated.

Take intercourse off its pedestal:
The Art of Everything But for Straight People

A New, Innovative Way to Deal with Painful Sex: The Ohnut

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Ohnut

Emily Sauer is the founder of Ohnut, an intimate health wearable for painful intercourse that allows you to customize the depth of penetration (think of a “donut” made for decreasing pain and thus increasing pleasure). We asked her a few questions about it (see below). It’s a super cool product for a widespread but under-acknowledged problem. The Ohnut recently reached and exceeded its Kickstarter goal of 50K goal: pre-order yours here!

“Denying the fact that sometimes sex hurts is like being embarrassed to have the flu.”

How did you come up with the idea?

At 33 years old, if you’d asked me what is one secret I never discussed with anyone, it would have been that sometimes intercourse was painful for me. Once I came up with the original product idea (and realized that it worked), I mustered the courage to start talking about this problem and the fact that there was a potential solution. To my surprise friends, strangers, even family members came out and told me they had this problem too. It was a complete paradigm shift for me. I found out how pervasive painful sex is and thought, “This is not okay.” I then took matters into my own hands and built a crude prototype which then evolved into Ohnut.

How common is painful intercourse?

Seventy-five percent of women have experienced painful intercourse — 75%! It’s both surprising and unsurprising that that many women will have painful sex in their lifetime, but it is the collective silence around it that perpetuates the associated shame, self-critique, and feeling of being alone. Alone! I thought no one else knew what I was going through for 10 years, and the second Ohnut became a vehicle for communication I couldn’t believe how alone I wasn’t. From there the conversation snowballed.

Over the course of Ohnut’s business development, we’ve been able to genuinely connect in unexpected ways around a very real challenge for an enormous population, because we’ve been able to strip away the judgement and offer a sense of normalcy, respect, and hope. Denying the fact that sometimes sex hurts is like being embarrassed to have the flu.

By introducing an intimate wearable into the mainstream (not a toy, not a medical device — a wearable) all of a sudden there’s neutral common ground to have curious conversation. It’s a joy to discover how genuinely liberating it feels to be honest about subject matter that is unnecessarily rife with boundaries. “Do you know anyone who’s had painful sex? Chances are you do.” It’s true. And this is not just a conversation for women and female-bodied people! Men/partners have been showing up in the most incredible ways, eager to learn. Our male testers find themselves asking, “Does this feel good? What about this?”

It’s also been exciting that Ohnut’s application for transgender women [after gender-affirmation surgery] is becoming a part of a larger conversation of inclusivity. Down the line we hope to do a more formal clinical study with referrals from doctors for post-op trans women. Right now there is very little support from surgeons regarding maintaining sexual health (physically and mentally) post surgery – and we hope that Ohnut will encourage that conversation between patient/doctor (for cis-women too!).

Why do you think it’s an underreported phenomenon?

This is a can of worms. The societal silence around painful intercourse and pelvic health is part of a larger systemic problem where our medical institutions, education systems, and insurance policies generally don’t support female sexual dysfunction. Delays in diagnoses (which generally range from 6 to 10 years) have been shown to be greater for women reporting pelvic pain compared to those reporting infertility, suggesting that there is greater laxity surrounding pelvic pain symptoms versus procreation. Gynecologists aren’t trained to make the necessary diagnoses around pelvic pain (which to be somewhat fair, are hard to make because often times causes of dyspareunia are compounding). But more discouraging is the fact that only 40% of gynecologists routinely ask if patients even have sexual problems. And yet, even in the case that sexual problems are discussed, solutions options are often invasive, prohibitively expensive, or non-existent. Sigh.

With Ohnut, we’ve worked tirelessly with researchers in sexual medicine and pelvic health specialists to provide a product that’s ergonomically sound, fool-proof to use, and also fun to play with.

What has the reaction been like to early prototypes?

Here are some of the beta testers’ testimonials:

“It made sex feel so much more pleasurable. We just got to explore each other more.”

“When we finally got the Ohnut, he knew exactly what to do and we tried it out that night!”

“Just seeing his level of excitement and seeing how good he was feeling the entire time, it increased my sensation even more so than before I had my son. That definitely was a mutual encouraging positive thing and it also just made us bond and feel like we’re on the same page and we were communicating well and just enjoying ourselves.”

“I enjoyed sex way more! There’s a thought in my mind being hyper aware of how we’re doing. For the first time we weren’t in that overanalyzing headspace.”

“I felt more connected. Now knowing that she experiences pain at times, using the Ohnut makes me more relaxed too. I can feel her relief and her enjoyment.”

“I couldn’t tell what was my skin and what wasn’t. It felt like a hug!”

“One thing I hate about condoms is when you have to adjust them — Ohnut kept it in place.”

What would you say to the critique that this keeps the primary focus on intercourse and the penis, when so many couples would do well to think of sex as so much more than intercourse, to think beyond intercourse (handwork, oral, tantra, sex toys, mutual masturbation, etc).

We can agree that sex is far more than a penetration sport. Culturally we hyper-prioritize longer, deeper harder, (penetrative) sex with orgasms that are bigger, better, and BEST EVER than ever before (compared to everyone else). The default understanding of sex is debilitatingly competitive, hyper-focused on orgasm, and lacking intimacy for the sake of performance. To your point, yes many couples could develop significantly greater pleasure by incorporating non-penetrative techniques and alternate sexual ideologies, but the fundamental challenge for so many individuals, especially those who experience sexual displeasure, is that often times feels impossible… just to start any conversation about sex. The introduction of a friendly wearable, especially one that requires male participation (and especially one that provides a service to women who’ve previously dealt with solutions by herself), it takes a little bit of that previous focus on the “problem” and turns it into a creative collaboration.

What will it be made out of (100% silicone? body-safe? non-porous?)

Ohnut is currently made of a made with a body- and skin-safe polymer blend. The original Ohnut was designed in 100% silicone, but the problem is that silicone products aren’t compatible with silicone lubrication, and the medical community strongly encouraged that silicone lubrication be accessible with Ohnut. It can be cleaned with mild soap and warm water.

Is the size adjustable?

The Ohnut rings can be stacked length-wise to accommodate varying female / female-bodied preferences. Right now it’s one size fits most width-wise.

When will it be available for sale & how much will it cost?

First shipments will go out mid-october and it will retail for $65.

You can find out more & pre-order the Ohnut via Kickstarter.

I Keep Dreaming About an Ex Who Wouldn’t Commit

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photo via Unsplash

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex & relationships. If you’ve got a good one, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg just might tell you what it means! Click here to submit yours (18 and older only for dream interpretations, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri about dreaming of an ex who wouldn’t commit.

I keep having dreams of the guy who wouldn’t commit to me. He ended things over a month ago and I’ve been working hard to move on. His actions never matched his words and he stated that time, fear of failure, and fear of commitment were his reasons for ending things.

In one dream I was in his apartment alone, it was dark and I could barely see. I was going through his things to see signs of another woman or if my belongings had been thrown out. I woke up when I found condoms.

In a second dream we were cuddling and then suddenly started fighting. He asked if I would be upset if he got into a relationship with someone else and I lost it. He rejected me again and I woke up right as I started crying in my dream.

I know I’m not completely over him, but why does he keep showing up in my dreams? Is it a message that he has moved on or just communicating that I’m afraid that he will?

Lauri:It’s very interesting to me that one of the most common dreams we have after a breakup is breaking into the ex’s home and snooping around. The reason why is because this is how the subconscious is trying to figure out what went wrong. The ex’s home represents his mindset. Breaking into his home, or being there alone, and searching through his things represents you taking inventory and examining his words and actions throughout the relationship.

In the first dream it is dark and you can barely see because in real life “you are in the dark” as far as why he ended things. You then find condoms. On one level that does reflect your fear he has moved on but on a deeper level, it symbolizes his protective barrier he put up between the two of you… some sort of barrier that kept you from the emotional and psychological intimacy you desired. Since the condoms belonged to him, your dream is showing you this is HIS issue, not yours.

In the second dream he asks if you mind if he dates someone else and you start fighting. It is so important to remember that any conversation you have in a dream is really a conversation with yourself. That wasn’t your ex asking you that question, that was YOU asking that question of yourself. Your subconscious wants you to start dating again but you are fighting it because you are still hung up on the ex. And that is why he keeps showing up in your dreams.

Your dreams are trying to help you understand the breakup so you can move on. It seems to me they are telling you that there is only so much you can understand about it… and all you really need to understand is that, like the condoms, it’s HIS issue. He feels the need to protect himself for some reason. So try to accept that and realize that he did you a favor and freed you from a relationship that was only half full so that you can find someone who can give themselves to you 100%.

Response from the dreamer: Thank you for your analysis! That actually matches what I am thinking 100%. The interpretation of me having that conversation with myself was refreshing, because the thought of dating again is a struggle to me. I want to, but haven’t moved on and I’m scared of getting hurt again. I also didn’t think of the condoms as a barrier between us. That was a helpful interpretation as well.

Visit Lauri’s site:
WhatYourDreamMeans.com

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Dear Em & Lo, Is “Cunt” an Appropriate Word for Dirty Talk?

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photo via Pixabay

Dear Em & Lo,

Hello there. This morning for the first time, my new boyfriend and I fucked. It was going okay until he came out with the word “cunt.” I froze. Maybe it’s just me, but, I always blush at this word. Now, he wants me to use it when, or rather if, we have sex again. Am I normal? Is “cunt” an okay word to use? Thanks!

— Virgin Ears

Dear V.E.,

What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet . . .

So said Shakespeare’s Juliet when trying to convince herself that Romeo’s last name didn’t matter. Of course his name did matter. The fact that they were from two rival houses — that one was named Capulet and the other named Montague — is what got them both killed!

But it’s also, in large part, what gave their relationship such emotional weight and psychic significance. Their love was forbidden, taboo. The obstacles they tried (and ultimately failed) to overcome to be together is what made their connection all the more special.

And so it often is with sex. The forbidden, the taboo, can make sex all the more erotic. When getting down and dirty, we do and say things that just aren’t polite or proper. It’s the nature (and the fun) of the beast!

So it’s really not surprising that your boyfriend would pull out an “off-limits” word like “cunt” to raise the sexual stakes. In an age of trigger warnings, it’s an easy way to be bad, to be naughty. Especially if you believe that what happens behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors, that your fantasies shouldn’t be dictated by political correctness. After all, there are plenty of feminists who like to be spanked and called “bitch” in the bedroom who would never stand for such assault or disrespect outside of it. How hot something is can be determined by how verboten it is.

Then again, the lines between the private and public are never that concrete. The personal is often political. Men calling women derogatory names during sex, perhaps inspired by degrading or down-right misogynistic porn, reflects a larger problem our patriarchal society has with sexism. (Yes, this prejudice is still alive and well — see Trump’s election as exhibit A).

And so, when it comes to sex, very rarely are there automatic rights and wrongs (except when it comes to consent and safety — those are non-negotiable). Asking what’s appropriate for sex is tricky when sex itself is often considered, by definition, inappropriate. Everyone has a line, but it’s not universal — it ebbs and flows depending on the person, their past experiences, and their political persuasion. One person’s go-to dirty talk may be another person’s boner killer.

You’ve got to decide where that line is for you. Does the word “cunt” cross it? That’s fine if it does — you’ve just got to communicate that to your partner. Just think of it as another sexual preference. Maybe you can’t stand having your nipples pinched. You are totally within your rights to explain to your boyfriend, “Hey, I’m not really into having my nipples pinched/hearing the C-word during sex, let’s find something else we can do/use that works for both of us.”

Perhaps whether you can get behind your boyfriend’s erotic vocabulary will depend on how he uses it. There’s a big difference between him simply using it as a euphemism for “vagina” and him angrily screaming “dirty, filthy, whoring cunt!” at you in the middle of sex (though we’re sure there are at least a few women who’d be fine with, if not delighted by, the latter). The line “I want to fuck your cunt” could be interpreted as either worshipful or hostile — it really depends on the delivery.

We love Cory Silverberg’s take on sex-related words in his sexuality education book for kids, “Sex Is a Funny Word”:

Some people think there are two kinds of words: good words and bd words. A different way to think about it is that words are not good or bad. Words can be helpful, and words can be hurtful. A word is helpful or hurtful depending on how we use it. It also matters how the words feels the person we are talking with. It’s like the difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone. The same word can feel good, or bad, or like nothing at all. It depends on who is saying it., how they say it and why.

So how you use it matters, too. You say you’re embarrassed by the word, but you could choose to embrace it. That’s the entire thesis of Inga Muscio’s book “Cunt: A Declaration of Independence.” That’s what a whole nation of women did with the word “pussy” after Trump was caught on tape spewing it in a decidedly un-erotic, unloving way (read our post “Why You Shouldn’t Be Offended by the P-Word Anymore”). Maybe you could try pushing your own boundaries by giving the word a whirl and delighting in your own embarrassment (shame can be a pretty powerful erotic tool).

Just be sure you find — and use — an equally offensive term for his penis.

Your loving potty mouths,
Em & Lo

Need more encouragement?
5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight

This post has been updated.

How to Use a Wand Massager

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Lelo's Smart Wand

Wand massagers are often referred to as “back massagers,” with an emphasis on the quotation marks, a wink and a nudge indicating that the item is not used on the back but on areas more southerly. However, wands have all sorts of uses, both sensual and sexual.

Our favorite of the all-over-body massagers is the award-winning Smart Wand by LELO, a pleasure company that couldn’t make a bad product if they tried. Like all LELO products, their Smart Wand is well-designed, beautiful to behold, and made with high-quality body-safe materials; and unlike many other “back massagers,” is cordless, rechargeable, and whisper-quiet. Smart Wands also include SenseTouch technology: with the SenseTouch setting on, vibrations are activated upon contact with skin, letting them gradually build to stimulate tissue at increasingly deeper levels. And because Lelo wands are fully immersible up to a meter, you can bring them in the shower or tub no matter how you end up using them.

They Really Are Good For Back Massages!

A bigger massager like LELO’s Large Smart Wand features extra vibration power and added reach for getting at the muscles of your back. It’s the closest you can come to a professional massage from a licensed massage therapist. Plus, for the cost of one hour-and-a-half spa massage, you can give yourself practically unlimited in-home massages!

Treating Stubborn Stiffness or Pain

You can put a smaller wand like LELO’s Medium Smart Wand in your purse or gym bag to help on the spot with issues like a stiff neck at your office computer or a sore muscle after a workout. Lelo wands have 8 different vibe patterns which you can control the intensity of with the intuitive plus and minus buttons. You can also activate the SenseMotion technology, which reacts to touch and pressure, gradually building up intensity so you can ease into your massage and safely reduce pain.

Reduce Leg Swelling

After a long day on your feet, take a load off and minimize possible swelling in your legs with your wand. PLEASE NOTE: If you have a history of blood clots or suspect your leg pain may be caused by a blood clot, consult your physician before trying an electric massager on your legs. But if you’re just feeling every day fatigue, you can try the following suggestions from LELO to relax relax your leg muscles and stimulate circulation:

Lie on your back with your feet in the air to start the blood flowing away from your calves and thighs (resting them against a wall would be the most comfortable way).

While in the position, gently press your massager on your calf near the ankle and slide it towards the joint behind your knee.

Repeat this lower calf to upper calf stroke a few times for each leg, and then move on to your thighs, stroking the wand over your thigh to your hips, pelvic region, and buttocks.

Finally, Yes, By All Means, Use It as a Reliable Sex Toy

Because wands — especially high quality ones like the Smart Wand — pack such a powerful punch, women who need a lot of stimulation to climax find them love savers. Others with more sensitivity find they prefer to use them over clothes or blankets or thin pillows to muffle the power a bit. Smart Wands have so much customizability in terms of vibration pattern and intensity, you’re sure to find a setting that works for you. You can use it alone on the clitoris or vulva (you can press it against your vaginal opening but we wouldn’t recommend insertion as the lip of the head could get wedged behind your pubic bone) or with a partner during play (the Large Smart Wand is good for reach-around positions, the Medium is good for face-to-face positions).

And of course, one of the best things about wand massagers are that if anyone — like a curious child or house guest — finds yours, you can truly call it a “back massager.” (Not that you have anything to be ashamed of!)

Looking for some accessories
for partner play?
Couple Toys Explained

Dear Em & Lo: Were We Ever Really in Love?

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photo via Unspash

Dear Em & Lo,

Four months ago my girlfriend of three years ended our relationship. She gave me generic reasons: “It’s not you, it’s me; we’re too young for such a serious relationship; we have a lot to experience.”

Finally this week I got her to drop her guard and open up to me. Her reasons were valid and I had no problem with them. We did have a communication problem, we swept big issues under the rug only so we wouldn’t argue, etc. I noticed she used words like “cared,””liked a lot,” and would only occasionally use “love” when she referred to me.

So I asked her, “Were you ever actually IN love with me?” I’m paraphrasing her response but it went something like this: “People throw around ‘I love you‘ all the time — and that’s okay because I’m sure they do — but my ideas have changed so much on love. I just think that when you tell someone that you love them, then you should want to marry them. Obviously you and I never got married or even came near it, so it would be unfair to say that I was really IN love with you.”

Besides now thinking that the past three years were a complete waste of time and being crushed, I now question what I believe. I know that I was deeply in love with her and I would have bet my life on it that she was too. I don’t know what love is anymore. What’s your definition of love?

— Heart in a Blender

Dear HiaB,

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: Your ex-girlfriend — let’s call her Fuckface — is an evil demon who has a piece of coal where her heart should be and who definitely doesn’t deserve someone as nice, sensitive, and extremely good-looking as you obviously are.

There now. Feel a little better? Good.

We think FF’s philosophy of love is flawed: Just because you are no longer together doesn’t mean what you had when you were together wasn’t genuine or real. Plenty of couples are “in love” at some point but don’t end up married, for any number of reasons: too young, different career paths, one wants kids and the other doesn’t, religious differences, 3,000 miles between them, mistakes made that are unforgiven, a disdain for the “institution” of marriage, differing libidos, communication problems, extenuating circumstances, the list goes on. Ever seen Once? Or even The Breakup? There you go.

Even if FF truly feels this way and believes it with all her coal, you might think it’s a smidge mean-spirited for her to be so brutally honest — especially when it’s clear you were in love with her. And sure, some people in this situation may have felt inclined to bend the truth a little just to spare their ex’s feelings (akin to the automatic “no” answer to “Do these pants make my butt look big?”).

But dude, you were asking for it. Literally.

The reason she dropped such a bomb on you is because she wanted to finally get you to drop it. After four months, why are you still pushing her to open up about your past relationship, especially when she seems to have definitively moved on? No good can come of this — as you’ve learned the hard way. You wanted the truth? But you can’t handle the truth! She wasn’t actually trying to be a fuckface, she was just speaking her truth. And if you’ve been clinging to some hope of reconciliation, despite signals to the contrary from her, then maybe she feared that admitting to once being really in love with you (whether it’s the truth or a kind white lie) would give you more false hope. Perhaps she was a bit harsh so you’d finally get the point, let go, and move on too.

And you should move on, but not by losing your faith in love. You say that you know you were deeply in love, and that’s all that matters. You do know what love is. Even though your ex has worked hard (kind of at your prodding) to taint the memory of what you had, don’t let her! Cherish the good times you had together, and try to learn from the mistakes you both made in the relationship. So that when you do fall hard again — and you will — it’ll be with someone who who believes in a thing called love too.

All of ours,
Em & Lo

This post has been updated.

Need help moving on?
10 Journal Prompts to Get Over a Breakup

How to Write a Breakup Letter…According to Donald Trump

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photo via Pixabay

President Donald Trump just broke up with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. After some smack talk from both sides, Trump canceled their much ballyhooed nuclear arms summit scheduled for June 12th, 2018 in a letter made public by the White House. The breakup letter is a master class in passive aggressive bitterness that could only be rivaled by a 13-year-old prone to hyperbole who got stood up at the 8th grade dance. Below, we have turned the letter into a template — a sort of breakup Mad Libs — that you can use for all your budding romantic relationships that turn sour:

Dear _________________ [name of boo]:

I greatly appreciate your time, patience, and effort with respect to our recent negotiations and discussions relative to a summit long sought by both parties, which was scheduled to take place on _________ [date] in __________________ [place, e.g. The Cheesecake Factory]. I was informed _______________________ [some meaningless detail about this planned rendezvous], but that to me is totally irrelevant. I was very much looking forward to being there with you. Sadly, based on the tremendous ________________________ [specific bad behavior by boo, e.g. writing personal smack on the wall of a public restroom], I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned meeting. Therefore, please let this letter serve to represent that the summit, for the good of both parties, but to the detriment of the world, will not take place. You talk about _____________________ [specific personal powers, e.g. your neuro-lingistic programming skills], but mine are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.

I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that dialogue that matters. Some day, I look very much forward to meeting with you. In the meantime, I want to thank you for ______________________ [something nice your boo did for you, like sending you flowers or releasing hostages]. That was a beautiful gesture and was very much appreciated.

If you change your mind having to do with this most important summit, please do not hesitate to call me or write. The world, and _______________ [place where you two live] in particular, has lost a great opportunity for lasting peace and great prosperity and wealth. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment in history.

Sincerely yours,
_______________________ [your name]
President of the Baby-sitters Club

Need some REAL breakup advice?
How to Dump Someone:
Breakup Lines That Don’t Suck

My New Boyfriend Has a Small Penis…At Least, It’s Small to Me

1231

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photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

About six months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months and have recently met someone new. The other day the new boy and I were engaging in some hands-on action which led me to discover that he nowhere near measured up to my ex. The new boy was around 4-6″. My problem is that I’m really worried about having sex with him because my ex was over 8″. I feel really disappointed and I know that 8″ is a high bar that’s been set. Am I bad person for thinking he has a small penis or should I go looking for something more? Why can’t good-looking men come with the measurements of their penis tattooed onto their wrist or something? The problems and surprises that would solve.

–Sizeist

Dear Sizeist,

We almost didn’t print your letter because of the emotional damage it might inflict on insecure men everywhere. It’s the secret fear that everyone — male and female — experiences at some point in their hook-up life: Am I being compared to my partner’s ex(es)? And if so, am I failing to measure up?

But on behalf of all the average-sized men out there, i.e. the vast majority of men, we highly recommend you give Mr. 4-6″ a chance. You’ve heard about society’s unfair expectation that women try to live up to impossible female beauty standards, right? Well, you’re doing the same thing, except with men and their dicks.

First, you need to understand that, statistically speaking, 8 inches is abberantly long; out of 100 men, only 5 will be longer than 6.3 inches! (Was it really 8 inches, or are you just bad at spatial reasoning?) It’s not like 8-inchers grow on trees and you’ve dated a string of giants and have come to discover (pun intended) that only super-sized schlongs can satisfy you. No, you just had one great experience with one rare “8-inch“ penis. And this is by no means a guarantee that sex with a 4-6″ penis will feel only 50-75% as great.

For a start, some men with big swinging dicks can get lazy in the sack, assuming that size is the only thing that matters. They may also assume that intercourse is the only thing that matters — and we all know how few women climax from intercourse alone; remember, orgasm achieved through non-penile means still counts as sex. Oral, manual, anal, toys — it’s all good, and in many cases, better! Not to mention, you may suddenly discover new penetration positions that you really enjoy — positions that perhaps were not so comfortable with a larger specimen. Oh, and don’t forget that, for the standard vagina, the majority of sensation is felt and enjoyed in its outer third, thanks to the extensions of the clitoris, the g-spot, and the pelvic floor muscles around the lower part of the vaginal canal (and also since a lot of women don’t enjoy having their cervix pummeled with a battering ram).

On a final note: Maybe he was nervous and not fully inflated, as it were. Basically, you have no idea what more extended and extensive sexual interludes are going to be like with this man. So if you dig him (and we surely hope the handwork you exchanged means that you do), why not find out whether the motion of his ocean can get the job done?

Of course, we can’t discount the fact that you may simply be less attracted to him (or not attracted to him at all) now that you’ve scoped out his unit — you like what you like. This doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, though you are severely limiting your dating options. We suppose you could post a dating profile specifying that only 8″-penis-owners need reply. But something tells us that’s not exactly the way to find the next Boyfriend of the Year. Here’s a better idea: Spend some quality time with an average-sized penis and see if the experience — or the person himself — converts you? He is a human being after all, not a piece of meat.

Size is just a number,

Em & Lo

This post has been updated.

**Do you worry about the size of your package?
“15 Ways to Make the Most of Your Small Peen in Bed”**

How to Discuss Your Sexual History with a New Partner in 10 Steps

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photo via flickr

We know you don’t want to hear it, but: you’ve got to have the hard conversation with each new sexual partner about where your junk has been and what it’s seen. Especially in an age when casual sex is de rigueur, and Tinder is causing STD rates to skyrocket, and almost everyone has or has had something. STIs aren’t anything to be ashamed of — they’re just a part of life we need to acknowledge without judgment. If you want to share your genitals with someone, you’ve got to be prepared to share your sexual history. Just don’t go overboard and share enough information about your exes that your current partner could find extended background information using a person search.

We’re not going to candy-coat it: The talk will be awkward as hell. Though not as awkward as a surprise case of herpes. Just don’t make us pull out the cliche that if you’re comfortable enough to get naked and grind with a new partner then you should be comfortable enough to talk with them about the health aspects of previous grinding sessions, too (sans the salacious details, of course).

Not only will this conversation help everyone make informed decisions, it’s an integral part of intimacy and caring. Which means that, yes, the sex — and your future relationship, should you choose to have one — will be better as a result.

And if that’s not the case — if, for instance, a new potential partner refuses to take a stroll down memory lane with you — then you’ll know to dump their ass right then and there, since they won’t be “looking at your etchings” tonight…or ever.

But assuming they’re evolved sexual beings who are mature, responsible and all ears, here are 10 steps to help get you through the conversation from start to finish:

You go first. Don’t wait for your would-be partner to bring up sex histories. Assume they won’t. It’s your body — be proactive about protecting it.
Have the conversation sooner rather than later. We recommend doing it over a glass of wine when it’s clear where the evening is heading; don’t wait until you’re half-naked in bed — that’s way too late! You and your partner need time to mull over the information exchanged, determine how you’d like to proceed, and maybe even go do some research on a particular STI your partner might have mentioned.
Set the tone: Stay calm and matter-of-fact (even if you’re freaking out inside). Say, “I’m telling you these things because I think it’s important to be honest, and I’d like to hear your side, too. I’m not going to judge you or get mad, I just think it’s good to be informed.”
Consider sharing your body count. Here’s the dilemma: On the one hand, while a higher body count doesn’t automatically mean a potential partner is an STI warehouse, how many previous sexual partners someone has had does increase their risk of exposure. On the other hand, all it takes is one partner to expose another to an STI. There’s also the awkwardness that can result from a dramatic imbalance in totals. Still, transparency is always better than subterfuge. If you decide to exhange totals, try not to judge — in either direction (i.e. whether their number seems ridiculously high or ridiculously low to you).
Tell each other about past or current STDs. Some might say you don’t need to bring up past bacterial infections (e.g. gonorrhea, chlamydia, etc) that have been cured with antibiotics, but doing so will not only prove your willingness to be forthright, it will help demystify and de-stigmatize STIs, which are very common and nothing to be ashamed of. If you have a viral infection that’s currently asymptomatic (like genital warts that have been removed), you still definitely need to share that info, since there’s still the small possibility of transmission.
Talk about when you were last tested and for what. You’ve got to contend with various incubation periods, hookups since the last checkup, and tests that might not have screened for what you or your partner thought they screened. (Yes, sex is all very complicated!) When you go to the doctor, you have to request to be tested for specific infections — they’re not necessarily going to do them all for you automatically. A pap smear ain’t gonna cover everything. Speak with your doctor explicitly about what tests they can do and what their results will rule out or diagnose. Guys, don’t avoid certain tests because you’re afraid of the minor discomfort some testing might involve — ignorance can cause you and your partners a lot more pain down the road.
Don’t forget to bring up abnormal pap smears. They often indicate HPV, the viral STD that basically everyone has at one point or another (the body can often rid itself of eventually. But that’s no excuse not to be honest about it, because sometimes it can turn into cancer). Indeed, the fact that it’s so prevalent should make you feel pretty comfortable about sharing that info.
Be encouraging. Even when someone tells you something you’re not that psyched to hear. After all, you’re better off with someone who can be open and honest with you than with someone who’s going to be vague and beat around the bush, as it were.
Don’t be discouraged. Even if your partner is the one who doesn’t like what they hear. Being honest is the noble, moral, ethical thing to do. It may cost you love in the short term, but an STI doesn’t automatically mean you’ll never find it again (even if it feels that way sometimes). Love, sex, marriage, babies can be all be had with a current or past STD — millions and millions of people prove it every day!
Insist on condoms and oral sex dams EVERY TIME. They don’t prevent everything all of the time, but when used correctly they do help significantly reduce the risk. Once you’ve been thoroughly tested together for all STIs, trust each other explicitly (not just implicitly). If you have verbally agreed to a committed monogamous relationship, then and only then you can you discuss forgoing the condoms. Just make sure you have another reliable form of birth control!

You’ve talked the talk,
now walk the walk:
How to Put on a Condom –
A 12-Point Refresher Course

15 Things You CAN Change About Sex

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photo via Unsplash

We told you about five things you can’t change about your sex life, and we encouraged an attitude of serenity and acceptance. But luckily there are plenty of things you can change about sex, too! Here are 15 to get you started…

1. Your sexual IQ.

Bodies don’t come with instruction manuals, but that’s no excuse for not knowing how your parts work. The better you know your body — and your partner’s — the better you’ll understand your sexual responses, i.e. what does it for each of you. Start with the anatomy chapter of SEX: How to Do Everything by yours truly and then get tinkering. Related: Rethinking Male and Female Sexual Anatomy.

2. How slippery things get.

It’s not always the case that the more turned on a woman is, the wetter she’ll be. Myriad factors affect a woman’s natural lubrication, including age, time of the month, medications, hydration… So rest assured, it’s not “cheating” to use a high quality water-based or silicone-based lubricant to help slick things up. Just avoid using lubes that are made of oil or contain glycerin, as these can lead to infection which can affect the way a woman smells and tastes down there (see #3 below). Related: 6 Kinds of Lube and 6 Reasons to Use Them Every Time.

3. The way you smell and taste down there.

The vagina’s pH balance can sometimes get knocked askew, and the three main causes are douching, sperm, and over-washing with regular soap. Help your female bits by eating lots of yogurt and using a natural, barely scented, hypoallergenic soap with a low pH value to help restore the balance. The jury is still out on whether foods can make a difference (for both women and men), though there is strong anecdotal evidence that citrus fruits (especially pineapple), strawberries and cinnamon are good influences while asparagus, garlic, coffee, booze, and vitamins are bad. Fruit salad, anyone? If you notice a persistent bad odor, see your doctor, as this could indicate a vaginal infection. Related: How to Help Your Vagina Taste and Smell Better.

4. How sexy safer sex is.

Don’t think of condoms as unfortunate necessities, think of them as hot sex accessories! Spend a few more cents and invest in some high-quality condoms that fit him right, are thinner, and have interesting textures for her — yes, she should pick them out. Take some of that lube you’re using for her and put a drop inside the condom for him. Instead of taking a break from the action while he puts the condom on, make it part of the action: you straddle his thighs, slowly and carefully unwrapping the condom, and then putting it on him with lots of teasing strokes. Hey, you have to use hands to get it on, so you might as well make the most of it! Related: Is Sex with a Condom Really All That Bad for Guys?

5. How often you want it.

Your libido is like a muscle — the more you use it, the stronger it will be. A study conducted by the Berman Center for sexual health in Chicago found that women who use sex toys regularly experience higher levels of sexual desire. So keep your favorite sex toy in your nightstand drawer and make sure you’re working out with it regularly to avoid having a flabby sex drive. Related: What to Do When You Have Zero Sex Drive. If you’re the sort of person who prefers less frequent physical sexual encounters but still craves companionship, perhaps something like a Waifu Body Pillow is for you as this is something that has the potential to become a deeply intimate item and maybe even satisfy some of your desires that are not being met by a partner.

6. How your body looks and feels.

Speaking of flab: hitting the Stairmaster and cutting out the junk food won’t necessarily turn you into Gisele/Magic Mike (sigh), but it will help you feel more energized and give you more flexibility and endurance — all of which make for better sex. And if you’re one of those people who is self conscious about their bod, then getting in better shape will give you more naked confidence. Related: Weight Gain Killed My Sex Life.

7. How sexy you feel.

Stimulating all of your senses can heighten your sexual response. Think, chocolate for your sense of taste, soft sexy music for your sense of hearing, orange blossom incense or vanilla Wax Melts for your sense of smell, silk for your sense of touch, and doing it in front of a mirror for your sense of sight. Invigorating your senses before you indulge in some sexy time with your partner could relatively improve your intimate moments, making it a more pleasurable experience for both of you. You could also try lingerie, erotica, and sensual body lotion after a bath. After that, it’d be a waste not to sleep naked! Related: 6 Ways to Stimulate Your Senses During Sex.

8. How focused you are.

Here’s how to focus your mind on sex, so you don’t end up thinking about the argument you had with your boss instead (and this goes especially for the ladies, who are more prone to a lack of focus): Make your bedroom a sacred space for sex — that means no laptop, no TV, and no piles of dirty laundry or work files. If you find your mind wandering, force yourself to watch the action and focus on how each thing feels. You could even describe out loud — in your best sexy voice — the sensations you’re feeling, to help keep you present. We’re guessing your partner would appreciate not only the dirty talk, but the feedback, too! Related: 5 Ways to Practice Mindfulness in the Bedroom.

9. The likelihood of her having an orgasm during sex.

Don’t be one of those people who settles for mediocre sex, and don’t accept this for your partner, either. Increase the amount of time you spend teasing each other; let her have an orgasm on her own first to make sure her naughty bits are fully aroused; use intercourse positions and techniques that work for her (for example, slow and steady with lots of body contact); use a vibrating love ring during intercourse; forget intercourse all together and use your hands or mouth — that still counts as sex! Basically, don’t just lie idly by and accept that she won’t have an O — take control of the situation! Related: 6 Steps to Teaching Yourself to Orgasm.

10. The amount of romance in your relationship.

Recent studies have shown that (1) kissing boosts the bonding chemical oxytocin in guys; (2) using pet names can increase your relationship satisfaction; and (3) doing new and novel activities together as a couple can make you feel like you’re falling in love all over again. So ask your Schmoopie to go skydiving and give them a big, sloppy kiss when you land! Related: 10 Easy Ways to Be More Romantic.

11. Who you sleep with…in your head.

Psychotherapist Brett Kahr conducted the largest ever study of sexual fantasy for his book, Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head? and found that 26% of women use fantasies in order to become more stimulated during sex with their partners — and not much turns a guy on more than knowing his partner is turned on. In addition, the “intra-marital affair,” as Kahr calls it, is incredibly common: according to his book, 90 percent of all adults will think about someone else during sex with their partners at some point. So if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Related: How Often Do Men Think of Someone Else During Sex?

12. How high-tech your love life is.

Don’t be a luddite — technology is your friend in the bedroom. Get a head-start on foreplay by sending each other sexy texts from the office; indulge your inner exhibitionist and voyeur by making your own private porno; get naughty ideas by browsing sex toy sites like GoodVibes.com together; get a wireless headset for your cellphone so that phone sex doesn’t give you a neck cramp. Related: What Men Really Think About Sexting.

13. When you first have sex with a new partner.

If you really like someone, why rush into sex on the first night? Don’t wait just because we said so — researchers at University College London agree with us. They found that the longer you wait to consummate a relationship, the more likely that relationship is to last. The study also showed that men who can put the brakes on are more reliable than those who can’t. So you could think of the delayed gratification as a handy litmus test for whether or not your crush has real relationship potential. Related: How Great Should First-Time Sex with a New Partner Be?

14. The habit you and your long-term partner have fallen into.

Sexual ruts are addictive because comfort feels good. But tapping into your XXX-rated imagination — trust us, it’s there — can feel even better. Do it in the living room instead of the bedroom; ask your partner to dress up like your favorite rock star; or act out the refrigerator scene from 9 1/2 Weeks. Related: How to Combat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse…in Bed.

15. The temperature in the room.

Turn up the heat — and not just because it’s nicer getting naked when you’re not worried about goose bumps. Believe it or not, research actually shows that a warmer room can make your orgasm stronger!

This post has been updated.

On the other hand…
6 Things You Can’t Change About Sex

5 Things You CAN’T Change About Sex

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photo via Pixabay

Did you know that the Serenity Prayer can be applied to your sex life? (“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”) Well, here are the 5 things you can’t change about sex — accepting this list will save you and your partner a lot of unnecessary grief.

1. The position of the clitoral head.

It’s pretty far away from the vaginal opening, which is one big reason why many women don’t reach orgasm during intercourse: they just don’t get enough of the right kind of stimulation. There are various things you can do to increase the attention it gets during the old in-and-out (e.g. not thinking of sex as “the old in-and-out”!), but don’t sweat it if intercourse is not the best route to you or your partner’s happy place. Sex is large, it contains multitudes.

2. Other facts about your genital anatomy.

Just because the G-spot is a household name, doesn’t mean you or your partner will actually like having it stroked. Or perhaps you or your partner’s inner labia are longer than the outer labia (not what you necessarily see in airbrushed mags or your average porn title, which pushes a very narrow genital beauty standard). Or you or your partner isn’t an outlier with a rare 8-inch peen (again, not something normally honored in porn). So what? Everyone is vastly, splendidly different! Embrace what you’ve got and don’t even think about unnecessary, often ineffective or even unhealthy stuff like G-spot injections or labiaplasty or penile surgery.

Here’s another example of an anatomical feature you probably can’t change: your gag reflex. If you can’t deep throat, don’t force it; as long as you use your hands and tongue creatively, you shouldn’t ever need to deep throat. You can mimic the feeling of deep penetration by wrapping your hand around the lower portion of his shaft and moving it up and down as you slide his head from your lips into your mouth.

3. What turns you on.

As long as your sexual fantasies don’t prevent you from having healthy relationships, then there is no “right” or “wrong,” there’s only what turns you on — and what doesn’t. Just because you like the idea of being tied up, spanked and called a “bitch” doesn’t make you a bad feminist. In fact, one survey found that bondage, sadomasochism, voyeurism and exhibitionism are the most common sexual fantasies. So don’t be embarrassed about what’s in your head — enjoy your fantasies!

4. What turns your partner on.

You might be kinky, but your partner is decidedly vanilla. They might love anal play, but you find it unsexy. Communication and an openness to reasonable compromise helps make healthy relationships, especially when different sexual tastes and styles are involved. But sometimes those divides can’t be bridged — and trying to pressure your partner into doing something they’re not into (or not doing something they love to do on their own) rarely ends well.

Let’s take porn. You may not like it or understand it, but if you try to put a ban on it, your partner may just start lying. “I used to hate him looking at porn, which just made me suspicious all the time and him secretive,” says a friend of ours in her early thirties. “But once I realized that it’s just a fantasy, like the sexy vampire novels I’m addicted to, I let it go.” You can certainly try to encourage your partner to consume more realistic porn, feminist porn, porn that you might even enjoy yourself. At the very least, you can set up some reasonable rules about your partner respectfully keeping it out of your space and sight.

5. The fact that sex, like most things in life, is not risk-free.

STDs, pregnancy — even your emotions are at stake. So when it comes to sex, be smart, don’t get drunk, make good decisions, ask for consent proactively/give it enthusiastically only when you really want it, and always use barrier protection and birth control. Having confidence in your and your partner’s safety will allow you to relax so you can just focus on feeling good!

This post has been updated.

What’s the #1 relationship deal-breaker for men?
Find out here!

The Worst Thing About the Stormy Daniels “60 Minutes” Interview

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photo from "60 Minutes" interview

It was a dark and Stormy night….last night, when the highly anticipated Stormy Daniels “60 Minutes” interview about her alleged affair with Donald Trump finally aired. Today, pundits are pontificating on all the questions it raised: Why did Daniels originally deny the affair? Why does Trump regularly use “You remind me of my daughter” as a pick-up line? Who was the thug who threatened her and her infant daughter, telling Daniels to keep her mouth shut about Trump? How much trouble is Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen in for breaking campaign finance laws? And was interviewer Anderson Cooper really as uncomfortable as Alistair Cooke on PBS’s “Masterpiece Theater” would be having to introduce “Debbie Does Dallas”? (This was an actual, unbelievable accusation by legal scholar and professional prude Jonathan Turley on “Morning Joe” this morning. Project much?)

But as sex and relationships writers, the thing that stood out for us the most was the following exchange, after she described going to Trump’s hotel room in 2006, using the rest room, and returning to see him “perched” on the edge of the bed:

Anderson Cooper: And when you saw that, what went through your mind?

Stormy Daniels: I realized exactly what I’d gotten myself into. [laughs] And I was like, “Ugh [deep breath] here we go.” [laughs] And I just felt like maybe [laughs] it was sort of— I had it coming for making a bad decision for going to someone’s room alone. And I just heard the voice in my head, “Well, you put yourself in a bad situation and bad things happen, so you deserve this.”

Anderson Cooper: And you had sex with him?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: You were 27, he was 60. Were you physically attracted to him?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Not at all?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you want to have sex with him?

Stormy Daniels: No. But I didn’t— I didn’t say no. I’m not a victim, I’m not—

Anderson Cooper: It was entirely consensual.

Stormy Daniels: Oh, yes, yes.

Anderson Cooper: You work in an industry where condom use is— is an issue. Did— did he use a condom?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you ask him to?

Stormy Daniels: No. I honestly didn’t say anything.

How does this bum us out? Let us count the ways!

She does say earlier that Trump dangled the the possibility of him getting her on “The Apprentice” like a little seduction carrot. And she also explains that, after their initial tryst, when he gave her updates on his progress with the show’s producers, she did think of their relationship at that point as a business deal. However, she gives every impression (or at least the edit of the interview gives the impression) that during their first encounter she didn’t take Trump’s show suggestion seriously; she didn’t think it was a realistic possibility that first night in the hotel room. So, it would seem, there was nothing on the line.

Add to that the facts that she was not at all attracted to him and she did not want to have sex with him.

Which begs the question — the one that all the pundits should really be asking today — WHY DID SHE HAVE SEX WITH HIM????

Her explanation of why is what feminist nightmares are made of: Going to someone’s hotel room alone automatically means you must have sex with them if they want to have sex with you — even if you don’t want to. Somewhere Gloria Steinem is weeping.

It doesn’t matter how much you’ve flirted, if you’re known for sexual bodaciousness and exhibitionism, or whether you’ve gone somewhere alone with someone — if you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to have it!

And then there’s the issue of the condom — or rather, the lack thereof. Studies show that adult film industry performers have a high burden of STIs. But at least many of them get tested regularly. Who knows how often old-fashioned 60-year-old business men who refer to women as “honey bunch” get tested for STIs, but we’re guessing not very. Daniels should have demanded condom-use with someone she’d just met, if not for herself, then for the safety of her colleagues. (We can’t say the same for Trump because at this point we know all to well that nothing good, responsible or wise can be expected from him.)

Perhaps the saddest line in the above exchange is “I honestly didn’t say anything.” The suggestion being that not only did she not ask him about protection, but she didn’t express her reservations or talk about her own desires (including turn ons and turn offs). Basically, she didn’t employ one of the most important tools necessary fo healthy, pleasurable sex: communication.

We would have thought — or at least we would have hoped — that someone in the adult film industry would have had a more sex-positive approach to a private interlude, would have been more assertive and pleasure-focused. But perhaps making a living performing erotic acts publicly has warped her view of private sex: it’s just not that big a deal, it should be given out of pity or guilt for leading someone on, it’s transactional (maybe she was holding out hope for a spot on “The Apprentice” that evening), it’s performative rather than participatory.

The above exchange on “60 Minutes” doesn’t do any favors for those who argue in favor of the benefits of porn. When one of the biggest stars in the adult film industry feels like she has to have sex with someone she doesn’t want to for free, there’s something seriously wrong.

“Porn star” this and “porn star” that!
The Slut Shaming of Stormy Daniels

Happy Spring: Fuck Like Bunnies!

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It’s finally Spring! A time of chocolates, pastels, persistent urges, and adorable rabbits fucking like bunnies. As Mark Twain said, “It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want – oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” So here’s a collection of heart-achingly cute Getty Images to put a smile on your face, a spring in your step, and the idea of the birds and the bees into your head.

Embed from Getty Images

This post has been updated.

Want more foul?
The 10 Best Bird Kisses

Top 10 Funniest Sex Scenes of All Time

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Funny sex scenes — at least, those that are meant to make you laugh — are often the best kind. Ironically, they tend to portray much more realistic on-screen sex than their serious, sultry counterparts. In funny sex scenes, you get weirdness, kink, awkwardness, jealousy, fantasy — oh yeah, and condoms. For some reason, the only time you see latex on screen is when the sex is supposed to be funny. Below are ten of the funniest sex scenes of all time — though not all of them were initially intended to be funny (we’re looking at you, Clive Owen). By the way, if you’re wondering where the American Pies of the movie world are: we took the liberty of limiting this list to scenes that made us laugh. And we’re not — nor have we ever been — fourteen-year-old boys.

10. THE MEANING OF LIFE (1983)

The Brits may not excel at Olympic opening ceremonies, but they sure do excel at making sex funny. This Monty Python film features the weirdest sex-ed lesson in the history of cinema — but actually, it’s a lot more helpful than most real-life sex ed these days.

A Catholic school teacher, played by John Cleese, asks his male students how to get the “vaginal juices” flowing. “Rubbing the clitoris, sir?” asks one boy. Cleese responds, “What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.” He discusses other methods, from stroking thighs to nibbling earlobes. In case of performance anxiety, he suggests: “Tonguing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along.”

But it’s when Cleese pulls down a four-poster murphy bed from his classroom wall that things get really weird: he proceeds to have matter-of-fact intercourse with his wife in front of the students to demonstrate how things work, while simultaneously reprimanding the students for not paying attention or passing notes. Only Cleese could seem so earnest and likeable in this position.

9. BRIDESMAIDS (2011)

The genius of taking America’s biggest sex symbol at the time (“Mad Men”‘s brooding John Hamm) and putting him in a cameo sex scene — complete with crossed eyes, incompetent sexual technique, and awkward laughing — cannot be understated.

8. BANANAS (1971)

If you can get past the retro references (e.g. “the bride wore the traditional virginal white,” “[they] are now man and wife”) and the abuse allegations against Woody Allen (difficult, we know), the Wild World of Sports parody in this early comedy is awkward sex at its best. Howard Cosell joins a newlywed couple in their hotel room — complete with cheering crowd — to give a live, on-the-spot telecast of their honeymoon night. It’s all done in the style of a boxing match, with a starting bell and the husband making his entrance with a white towel around his neck. Cosell gives running commentary as the marriage is consummated under a shiny peach blanket, then climbs into bed with the couple for the post-coital interview. Points for the acknowledgment of female dissatisfaction in the inept hands of male delusion. Best Cosell commentary? “He’s wearing a green corduroy suit.”

7. AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)

Funny sex isn’t limited to comedies — take the macabre movie American Psycho (based on the disturbing — some have argued woman-hating, others have argued man-hating — book by Bret Easton Ellis). Christian Bale, as Patrick Bateman, hosts two prostitutes and explains to them the genius of Phil Collins. “I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, rather than as a solo artist,” he tells them, and the tone of his voice lets them know they shouldn’t even think about disagreeing. “And I stress the word artist. This is ‘Sussudio.’ Great great song.” Bale then proceeds to have sex with the two women — to ‘Sussudio’! — while vamping in the mirror: he points at himself, winks, flexes his muscles, and runs his hand through his hair like Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. It’s not exactly slapstick, but the dark humor is a welcome relief in this bleak tale of nightmarish misogyny.

6. SHOOT ‘EM UP (2007)

Funny sex isn’t always intentional. At least, we’re assuming we weren’t meant to laugh when Clive Owen is interrupted, mid-sex with Monica Belluci, by a gang of men with guns and never once removes his penis from her vagina, despite dodging bullets and slaying multiple attackers. He rolls off the bed, spins across the floor, bounces off objects, and, for the finale, pushes Belluci against the wall for her orgasmic climax. She has her eyes closed the entire time and it’s unclear whether she’s clueless about all the gunshots or simply turned on by them. Either way, she gets her happy finish. We know: it sure sounds like a joke, but we think it was meant simply to be hot and action-packed. Though Owen’s groan-inducing follow-up line — “Talk about shooting your load” — may suggest otherwise.

5. A FISH CALLED WANDA (1988)

Remember how we said that filmmakers often feel freer to get kinky when the sex is being played for comedic value? Enter Jamie Lee Curtis’s Wanda — a shameless foreign language fetishist — and her boyfriend Otto, played by Kevin Kline. Otto seduces Wanda with a string of Italian words and songs, including, as he places her black lace stocking over his face, a cry of “Benito Mussolini!” He takes breaks to sniff his own armpits, then breathes in the scent of one of her knee-high boots, before inflating it to imitate an elephant, and then beating himself with it. No wonder Kline won the Oscar for this movie — his absolutely ridiculous O-face alone is worth a golden statue.

4. OFFICE SPACE (1999)

John Cusack, in High Fidelity (2000), imagines his ex-girlfriend having ecstatic sex with his long-haired hippie upstairs neighbor (Tim Robbins). Cusack’s voice-over: “No one in the history of the world is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian… in my head.” Meanwhile, Nightmare-Robbins licks the woman’s neck, bears his teeth in a raunchy grimace, and spreads his arms wide to shimmy. Chilling.

Or take the scene in She’s Having a Baby, when Kevin Bacon, after learning that his wife has told her parents about their conception troubles, imagines his in-laws at the foot of their bed, complete with headlamps, giving him pointers: “Get your butt up!”

But we’re going to have go ahead and say that our favorite nightmare sex is from Office Space. (Oh Bill Lumbergh, how we love you and your TPS reports!) Cubicle rat Peter (Ron Livingston) has a nightmare about his boss Lumbergh (Gary Cole) having sex with Peter’s girlfriend, mmm-kay? Nightmare-Lumbergh is oiled up, mid-coitus, and says, “You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left.” He stops to take a sip from his coffee mug and adds, “Yeah, that’s it.”

3. TRAINWRECK (2015)

Talking dirty is hard. Everyone has their own unique idea of what is hot (and what is not). And rarely do two people’s ideas align. No movie captures this more perfectly — or hilariously — than Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck. Early in the film, Amy asks her jacked-up boyfriend (Oscar-worthy John Cena) to talk dirty to her during sex. He proceeds to spew forth inspirational sports quotes, Chinese language lessons, and, inadvertently, deep deep secrets.

2. TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE (2004)

Oh man, we just looked up this scene to refresh our memory, and happened upon the original, uncensored, two-minute long version of the puppet sex scene in this movie. There’s puppet poop play! Puppet watersports! (And we’re not talking windsurfing.) Puppet salad-tossing! But even the much cleaner final cut which made it into the movie — less than a minute long — is simultaneously hilarious and wrong. Some of the sex positions are not humanly possible — and even if they were, you could never show them in an R-rated movie. We love the swift transition from candle-lit chest-stroking and sensually intertwined legs to hardcore doggy-style fucking — all to the tune of a romantic power ballad (“All I Ask Is That You’re a Woman”). Pretty impressive for a plastic doll with no penis.

1. SKIN DEEP (1989)

We love ourselves a little latex humor! And why is it only in comedies that characters talk about safe sex? Remember the drunken misunderstanding in Knocked Up? Or the classic full-body condoms in The Naked Gun. Condoms keep things light while prevent a lot of potential tragedy.

Our favorite classic condom scene is in the otherwise forgettable film Skin Deep. In it, a philandering woman offers her extracurricular lover (John Ritter) one of her partner’s condoms, and it turns out to be glow-in-the-dark blue. When Rick, the woman’s partner, returns, Ritter jumps into a closet, while Rick dons a red glow-in-the-dark condom as a sexy surprise… but the real surprise is when he finds Ritter in the closet. Man fighting ensues. Oh, did we mention that the lights are out for most of this scene? Which means that the entire thing plays out via two bobbing, erect, disembodied, condom-clad penises. Now that’s a sword fight.

1. Not the Be-All End-All

2. Safety First

3. Willing and Able Doesn’t Always Mean Ready

4. Must-Have Accessories

5. Going Deep?

6. The Motion of the Ocean

7. Intercourse Is Not a Hands-Free Zone

8. The Tortoise or the Hare?

This post has been updated.

Take intercourse off its pedestal: The Art of Everything But for Straight People

“Denying the fact that sometimes sex hurts is like being embarrassed to have the flu.”

How did you come up with the idea?

How common is painful intercourse?

Why do you think it’s an underreported phenomenon?

What has the reaction been like to early prototypes?

What would you say to the critique that this keeps the primary focus on intercourse and the penis, when so many couples would do well to think of sex as so much more than intercourse, to think beyond intercourse (handwork, oral, tantra, sex toys, mutual masturbation, etc).

What will it be made out of (100% silicone? body-safe? non-porous?)

Is the size adjustable?

When will it be available for sale & how much will it cost?

You can find out more & pre-order the Ohnut via Kickstarter.

Visit Lauri’s site: WhatYourDreamMeans.com

Get Laurie’s Book!

Have Lauri Make You a Pin-Up (Mention Em & Lo for 10% OFF!):

Need more encouragement? 5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight

This post has been updated.

They Really Are Good For Back Massages!

Treating Stubborn Stiffness or Pain

Reduce Leg Swelling

Finally, Yes, By All Means, Use It as a Reliable Sex Toy

Looking for some accessories for partner play? Couple Toys Explained

This post has been updated.

Need help moving on? 10 Journal Prompts to Get Over a Breakup

Need some REAL breakup advice? How to Dump Someone: Breakup Lines That Don’t Suck

This post has been updated.

Do you worry about the size of your package? “15 Ways to Make the Most of Your Small Peen in Bed”

You’ve talked the talk, now walk the walk: How to Put on a Condom – A 12-Point Refresher Course

1. Your sexual IQ.

2. How slippery things get.

3. The way you smell and taste down there.

4. How sexy safer sex is.

5. How often you want it.

6. How your body looks and feels.

7. How sexy you feel.

8. How focused you are.

9. The likelihood of her having an orgasm during sex.

10. The amount of romance in your relationship.

11. Who you sleep with…in your head.

12. How high-tech your love life is.

13. When you first have sex with a new partner.

14. The habit you and your long-term partner have fallen into.

15. The temperature in the room.

This post has been updated.

On the other hand… 6 Things You Can’t Change About Sex

1. The position of the clitoral head.

2. Other facts about your genital anatomy.

3. What turns you on.

4. What turns your partner on.

5. The fact that sex, like most things in life, is not risk-free.

This post has been updated.

What’s the #1 relationship deal-breaker for men? Find out here!

“Porn star” this and “porn star” that! The Slut Shaming of Stormy Daniels

This post has been updated.

Want more foul? The 10 Best Bird Kisses

10. THE MEANING OF LIFE (1983)

9. BRIDESMAIDS (2011)

8. BANANAS (1971)

7. AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)

6. SHOOT ‘EM UP (2007)

5. A FISH CALLED WANDA (1988)

4. OFFICE SPACE (1999)

3. TRAINWRECK (2015)

2. TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE (2004)

1. SKIN DEEP (1989)

This post has been updated.

RELATED ARTICLES ON EMandLO.com: Top 10 Tangled Love Triangles in Film Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of the Year In Defense of the “Woman Child”

Take intercourse off its pedestal:
The Art of Everything But for Straight People

Visit Lauri’s site:
WhatYourDreamMeans.com

Have Lauri Make You a Pin-Up
(Mention Em & Lo for 10% OFF!):

Need more encouragement?
5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight

Looking for some accessories
for partner play?
Couple Toys Explained

Need help moving on?
10 Journal Prompts to Get Over a Breakup

Need some REAL breakup advice?
How to Dump Someone:
Breakup Lines That Don’t Suck

**Do you worry about the size of your package?
“15 Ways to Make the Most of Your Small Peen in Bed”**

You’ve talked the talk,
now walk the walk:
How to Put on a Condom –
A 12-Point Refresher Course

On the other hand…
6 Things You Can’t Change About Sex

What’s the #1 relationship deal-breaker for men?
Find out here!

“Porn star” this and “porn star” that!
The Slut Shaming of Stormy Daniels

Want more foul?
The 10 Best Bird Kisses

RELATED ARTICLES ON EMandLO.com:

Top 10 Tangled Love Triangles in Film

Top 10 Most Realistic Sex Scenes of the Year

In Defense of the “Woman Child”